Kaitlyn Finale: Shine Bright Like a Neil Lane Diamond

We finally leave the land of boring "hometowns" and head back to Los Angeles. The peanut gallery is berating both Shawn and Nick for being such whiny little bitches about each other. Seriously, will it ever stop? And then, in the midst of the suitcase packing montage, as if sent from Chris Harrison above, Shawn bends over.

Silence from the peanut gallery.

I'll just wait for Shawn right here.

Dat ass doe.

Kaitlyn's family comes all the way from Canada to meet these two dudes, one of whom will be part of their lives for the foreseeable future forever. She tells them first aboot Nick, and aboot how they boned super early, oopsies! Then when he arrives and right before they go in she's all, "Oh yeah by the way, they know we had sex on the first date." What a way to make a first impression. Throwing him to the lions!

Kaitlyn needs a haircut, those split ends are killer. It must be from her recent dye job.

Nick doesn't fit on the couch!! How incredibly awkward. He also talks behind his hands which just screams DON'T TRUST ME.

Nick would fail at trust falls.

Kaitlyn says her relationship with Nick is intense. But wait a minute...I thought it was in cabins! (Hi Julie)

I packed all wrong.

K's mom is skeptical about Nick. They sit down for a spontaneous heart to heart. WOW omg so many man tears from Nick and a complete 180 from the mom. I think Nick sheds more man tears in this conversation than all other men in Bachelor History combined. She loves him what the heck.

Mom: "I saw you last season. You were arrogant. Are you surprised you've made it this far?"
Nick: "NOPE! Cause I'm awesome."

Nick gets the blessing from the dad.

Well played, kid.

Shawn's turn! He comes bearing flowers and moonshine. Even a gift for the sister's kids! He's winning so far.

Mom: "I have a question for you. I already asked this of The Other Guy."
Shawn: "Gonna stop you right there... Knucks."
Mom: "I just need to know. Are my eyelashes too out of control?"

Mom talks to Shawn about Nick because that's the most important thing of all time in all relationships ever. She basically tells Shawn in so many words that Kaitlyn is a sloot and he just has to deal. Also she cries at the drop of a hat. Like mother, like daughter I guess.

The fam is #TeamShawn. He talks to Dad for a bit, then makes the power move and brings in Mom for the asking for hand in marriage. They say yes to him too.

You have our blessing! And YOU have our blessing! AND YOU have our blessing!

Nick's final date on a boat. They snog and talk about their families getting together at a bbq. That seems legit. But overall Nick's date is not going great. She seems to be pulling back from him. They keep reminiscing and talking about nothing special.

Nick: "I got you a gift, it's in my pants bedroom."

Oh lord, it's poetry. Nope nope nope. He can't even get artistry as a form of flattery points here ughhhhh! She looks like she feels guilty about this gift, like she's leading him on by accepting it.

Shawn's final date at a winery. We learn that Shawn has a sunscreen intern! There's hope for me on the show after all! That was the only thing holding me back...signing up now.

Shawn gives really good toasts too. Did he and Ben H take Toastmasters together?

They sit in the winery and talk for a while, and this happens:

Kaitlyn makes Shawn a little nervy because she's incapable of expressing her emotions (I feel your pain, girlfriend). But they talk it out and have an adorable conversation about their future together.

Shawn gives her a memory jar. She's noticeably more excited and touchy with him than she is with Nick. Gosh darn it they are so cute together. #ItIsDecided

Neil Lane's here! Good to see you, man. Welcome back. Nick and Shawn pick out rings from a predetermined, Bach-ette approved selection.

IT IS TIME.

Damn, Shawn looks freakin SHARP. Not many men can wear a suit like he can. Juxtapose that beautiful specimen with a shot of Nick getting ready with puka shell bracelets. No contest. Take those off, you are 34 years old!

Wait, the proposal is happening at the house?? The budget is getting SLASHED this season. This is lame.

Remember Bali? Or the Caymans? Or all of those beach places?

Who's getting the boot?? The anxiety is killing me! The driveway is gleaming so beautifully, how long did the interns have to hoard their leftover shower water to make that cement so wet? #droughtproblems

Nick's limo arrives first. Once second best, always second best. She lets him say a whole spiel but then stops him before he gets down on one knee. She should've ended it earlier and not let him talk. Poor guy. They have one of the most legit breakups ever on the show. That was for real. He seemed legitimately mad and hurt and they actually talked about real things.

Tossing the Neil Lane box and then the Claddagh ring. Such a statement. Sorry, Nick V. Looks like a classic case of Other Guys Finish Last.

Maybe next season, champ.

Okay but for real she looks so much happier with Shawn. You can see it in her eyes. Shawn wins the Final Rose, Kaitlyn's heart, and 40 POINTS! They seem happy. Good for them. Roses to Riches wishes you all the best.

And just like that, it's over. Our 5th season has come to a close. Congrats to our winners! In the Chicago Conference, Never Gonna Win Corinne ran away with it and ended up with an incredible 313 points. Competitive Clare had Shawn on her team and jumped two spots to second place, bumping Elizabeth's Team of Calloused Up Weinies to third and pushing Julie's Jerks off the podium.

Chicago Conference #2 was a tight race to the end. Maddie took first place with 243! Audrey's Angsty Assholes finished in a close second with 237 points. League newcomer Sara took third with 205.

In Chicago Conference #3, Shannon finished first with 293 points. Jenna trailed a bit behind but took second with 208 points. Emily came in third with 159.

Finally, we can't forget about our Nashville Conference! Wurzy's Weiners scored the number one spot with 296 points, followed by Team Catherine: Dem Boiz with 250 and then Caitmen with 241.

Cheers to this year's winners.

Well played, everyone. This was a great season. The producers definitely threw us for a few loops but we all came out stronger and drunker at the end of it. Here's to true love and eternal happiness. And wine.

Enjoy Bachelor in Paradise. See you this winter for #BenHforBachelor.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

POST SCRIPT:
We would be remiss not to mention the debt of gratitude we owe to our new Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh. Her wit each week was remarkable and we are so excited to have her as part of the Roses to Riches team. Thank you, MC!!! Register on time next season and you'll get to play :)

An example of her fine dedication to the league

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Kaitlyn Week Eight: Killjoys in Killarney

Welcome back to the Shawn B Anxiety Hour. The group is hanging out in Killarney, Ireland and Kaitlyn is still whining on about her overnight with Nick. Dude, Kaitlyn, your sleepover was like four days ago, which is MONTHS in Bachelorette time. It's time to move on.

Unforunately, we did not get to see what became of Cupcake at the end of his cliffside meltdown last episode. Let's hope he didn't jump.

Ben H gets a workout one-on-one date. He gets to row Kaitlyn around in a boat for probably hours. When Ben H gets exhausted but not too sweaty, the two get to roam around on a private island. Ben H sure knows how to play the Bach game. He is spewing out all of the Bachelorette key phrases and propaganda as if it just popped into his head naturally. His producers are looking on like proud parents as he tells Kaitlyn that she's wife material, he's falling for her, and he has fears about love. Someone memorized his lines on this week's script.

Kaitlyn freaks out for a hot sec because Ben wants to talk and not bone, meaning he MUST be a virgin because who the hell would want to ~*talk*~ to a future fiance...Kaitlyn, honey, Ben H went to IU. He's for sure not a virgin, and probably just had an STD cleared up right before filming. Go Hoosiers!

Next we have a group date with Shawn, Nick and Joe. Some producer convinced Kaitlyn thats it's a good idea to bone and tell, so now then entire date is about "will I, won't I?"

Joe starts to be all "I could kiss you forever, I'm ready for marriage, I LOVE YOU" and she's all "thank you...?" He then turns into a petulant child, starts to mope and continually uses the phrase "it's cool, just have fun." Unceremonious elimination for Joe with no consolation tears. One down, one more to go this week.

Side note: Shawn still refers to Nick exclusively as "the other guy." What a power move.

Shawn gets to spend the rest of the evening with Kaitlyn and he has no idea what misery is in store. His ego is about to get squashed like the grapes that made this wine. Kaitlyn drops the we-had-sex bomb, and you can see SUCH a dramatic change in Shawn's eyes. He is very clearly thinking of all the violent things he could do to "the other guy" in retaliation. Some producer talked him down and he's willing to suck it up and keep going in The Process. Good choice, kid.

At the cocktail party...PSYCH, cocktail party is canceled!

I love when they do this because all of the guys sweat like sinners in church. Shawn gets called first and chooses to be difficult by asking to talk to her before accepting the rose. They talk about nothing for a few seconds and he ends up staying.

Back to the action: She keeps Ben and Nick. Poor Dark Horse Jared gets the boot. This guy was a last round draft pick for all of us, and ends up being one of the hardest goodbyes of the show. The dude takes it like a champ and continues to be sweet even after the dumping. Heck, I've never had an ex offer me his coat for warmth mid-breakup. Jared, I wish I could give you, and your bad facial hair, a hug.

With the departure of Cupcake, Joe, and Jared, several teams have been knocked out of the game. Check your score here.

Since ABC cannot take any of our hints, we move on to week eight at the end of the episode.

Kaitlyn spends the day with Nick and they end up at yet another church. They talk to some Irish actors locals. Say all the crap you want about Nick or Kaitlyn, but the two actually seem like they fit well together and are having a good time. Their evening date is going all well 'n stuff, until Nick decides to seize the day and toss Shawn under the bus. Against all odds, playing dirty works for Nick (always has) and she eats it up. As is tradition, the two retire off to the fantasy suite and reenact her biggest drama inducing action of the season. Cue hotel door closing.

Once Nick returns to his own room the next day he gets a visit from his good buddy Shawn and ABC leaves us for the week with the promise of a cat fight next Monday. Leave a comment about how you see it playing out.

If you have men left in the league, kudos. If you don't, I recommend bringing extra wine next week. Don't forget, the league is based on points, so even if all your men are out, you could have a chance at placing.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Seven: Cliffs of Moher and Moher Drama

Man, all the carryover drama this season is so exhausting. Just once, I would love to cap off an episode with a rose ceremony, a champagne toast, and the announcement of the next travel destination. Then open the next episode with "Tonight, on The Bachelorette..."

IS THAT SO HARD, PRODUCERS? IS IT?

Since no one this season can keep their shit together, we pick up where we left off with Shawn B having his weekly freakout. He doesn't know if he can continue with The Process.
Shawn: "Are you in love with me?"
Kaitlyn: "You can't put me on the spot like that."
Shawn: "YES OR NO?"

In her recap of the situation, Kaitlyn tells us, mid-meltdown, that Shawn was the one having a meltdown. Come on guys. Get it together.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE! I wish there were more of these. These are the best. Both people bring their own A game and simultaneously go for the kill shot with their opponent. It's brutal and beautiful. It's Bachelorette meets Gladiator. Take our suggestions seriously, ABC.

This Two-On-One features Joe versus JJ, in what JJ describes as "the most important day in my recent life." How recent are we talking, JJ? Like this week? This year? Since you broke up with Clint?

Wow Joe opens strong with possibly the most well worded Hail Mary play in Bachelor History. He knows he doesn't have much time left, so lays it all on the table and tells Kaitlyn that he's falling in love with her. I feel bad for Joe because if he cut his hair he might actually stand a chance. He just needs to find a nice southern girl who will appreciate his country boy manners. And moonshine.

During JJ's turn he drops a huge bomb and tells Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife. Did he cheat with a man? Just kidding, I know this is serious. I just have zero tolerance for cheaters and I already hated JJ to begin with so hearing this news I'm just like "oh of course you did." I don't know how he even made it this far. Bye forever, JJ. #bringbackpantsapreneur

Kaitlyn decides to send JJ home, praise Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. In what is her clearest moment of thinking yet this season, she doesn't give the rose to Joe quiiiite yet, decides she needs more time to talk. He eventually does get the rose. Yay Joe.

Back to Shawn B. So much inner turmoil. He is an emotional train wreck and the epitome of Analysis Paralysis. He has constant crazy eyes and looks like he could explode with frustration at any second.

He's back again! Shawn needs to talk to Kaitlyn and she loses it AGAIN because she thinks he knows about her boning Nick. They're both a complete mess. Much to her relief, he just wants to talk about himself and is still oblivious to the Nick situation.

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn opens with "HEY EVERYONE I MADE SOME MISTAKES THIS WEEK." This puts all the guys into a tizzy. Watching some of them squirm is fun, but Shawn and Nick are just like

uhh wut.

Uh oh now Ben H needs to talk to her. Serious face. Oh no! He's feeling self conscious about the Shawn situation. Damn, all this nonsense with Shawn is going to let everything with Nick get swept under the rug. Ugh. Also these convos go nowhere. She just makes them say words, then she gets uncomfortable and makes out with them so they don't have to keep talking.

Poor Shawn thinks Kaitlyn's "mistakes" are about him. Still no one knows she boned Nick.

Kaitlyn: "Don't tell anyone we boned."
Nick: "I didn't even say we kissed, I just said it was romantic and intimate and passionate."

She keeps saying, "I don't feel bad about Nick, I just feel bad about how it will affect my other relationships." I don't understand how she can separate and reconcile those two feelings. But can we pause for a sec? This is exactly why the Fantasy Suite exists! This show is a well oiled machine, Kaitlyn. The Process is The Process for a reason. They all messed it up by not being able to keep it in their pants and now everyone is losing their minds. Nick has an unfair advantage, Shawn thinks Kaitlyn is in love with him, it's all spiraling out of control. Let's hash this out in the comments, shall we?

#UserEngagement

Only three roses to give out tonight. Side note: Kaitlyn is way better at holding the rose than Andi was. Calling it now, Cupcake and Tanner are gone. But.....

ACK. Kaitlyn makes her third-worst decision this season (first-worst was letting Nick on the show, second-worst was sleeping with him) AND SENDS BEN Z HOME OVER CUPCAKE CHRIS. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THE BACHELORETTE ANYMORE, KAITLYN.

BEN Z NOOOOOOOOO. How is Ben Z gone but Jared is still here?! This is an outrage. Ben Z, please be the next Bachelor. Honest to Chris Harrison, I will sign up immediately. July 11 casting in Chicago, anyone??

Damnit, that was tragic. I hate to see you go, Ben Z. But I love to watch you leave.

Yes, I'm thirsty for some Ben Z

Laura L and Kristen both win wine! Ben Z was their last man standing. This show definitely self selects for drama. The guys who wear their hearts on their sleeves get all weepy when she bangs other people, but the people who have reasonable guards up and stay under the radar get cut for not being open to The Process.

Let's move ahead! We're departing Dublin and heading to the other side of the Emerald Isle to Killarney. Jared gets the first second one-on-one. <--sentence that makes perfect sense in Bach-ette world but is a complete cluster IRL. They drive to Killarney while the rest of the dude ride the bus. Shawn B snores.

Jared pulls out SO MANY cheesy one liners but they seem to be having a fun time in the car. Getting stuck in traffic is actually a great way to get to know someone so good on ya, producers. One good decision so far. They kiss the Blarney Stone.

Roadtrip

Cupcake with the comparisons again, god he's so annoying. "Killarney is old and beautiful like my soul." Go home please.

Ooh this is exciting! Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior visits Kaitlyn to impart his godly wisdom and give her some advice lay down the law. THEY'RE CHANGING EVERYTHING. Instead of 4 guys getting hometown dates, Kaitlyn has to narrow it down to 3 men this week and skip right to the fantasy suite dates. Hometowns when there are 2 left. Essentially, Kaitlyn needs to just sleep with the rest of the guys already level the playing field.

Is this the PR team intervening so save this train wreck of a season? Did Kaitlyn really already pick Shawn and, if so, is this the producers' way of speeding up the season because she wants out? A new way to slash the show's budget? So many questions.

It's like that one time they tried to change the Facebook layout!

Date with Cupcake. The fact that his nametag even says Cupcake means he's going home very soon. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. Chris is way too soft for her. They get a little bit of momentum and almost have a real conversation but then they just go back to talking about the logistics of the show, which is all anyone ever talks about. She breaks up with him. He sobs loudly and says indistinguishable words for a long time, teeters dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Kaitlyn gets in a helicopter and leaves him there. Does he jump? How does he get home? This date departure was classic, almost as good as when Ali left Kasey on a glacier in Iceland.

This actually happened.

Next week we'll find out which guys get to be sloppy seconds to Nick! Something they've all dreamed about, I'm sure. Until then, leave us a comment and share this with your friends!

Points are updated here. Every pool has at least one team that's been eliminated, so we're getting down to the final contenders! Keep up the good work, everyone.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Four: Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made...By Chris Harrison

A NEW DRAMATIC EPISODE! We really need a previously on The Bachelorette at the beginning here, I need a refresher on what's happening. So many points awarded in these first 10 minutes, all of which go toward last week's episode. Clint is "making some power moves" or, from Kaitlyn's POV, "about to go down in flames." I wish I could type "about" in a Canadian accent. 

Kaitlyn breaks up with Clint, and he's mostly just sad about having to leave JJ. 

Clint: "JJ...me and him have become best best best friends. Like we are very very very very close."

Kaitlyn: "You can't sit with us."

Music so ominous. I want to be friends with the score composer.

They go back to the party to announce that Clint is going home. Normally they send the unceremoniously rejected ones home without any parting goodbyes, but the producers clearly love us so they're fueling this fire. Upon hearing the news JJ starts crying, but then makes an unexpected move and he also breaks up with Clint! Holy crap so much bro-trayal happening. This breakup is no longer about Kaitlyn and the secret lovers take their spat out into the hallway (big points for this extreme verbal altercation).

Betrayal - bro betrayal - brotrayal?

JJ: "You don't know how much this hurts me."

Clint: "How dare you BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. I was only half a virgin when I met you."

JJ: "I told you stuff I've never told anyone before."

Clint: "Hey that tie goes really good with your shirt. F*** you. BYE FELICIA." (Clearly they helped each other get dressed today)

The next few minutes become the JJ show. 

JJ to camera: "I will defend Clint to the day I die until Kaitlyn sends him home and I have to find a new house husband." 

He retreats to the moonlit balcony and sobs about losing Clint and actually gets in a physical altercation with himself! A punch to his own face followed by various curses. Props to the sound guys for JJ's well-placed collar mic. Really felt like I was right up in there for that hit. Punches are so rarely thrown on the show, so JJ definitely gets points for this self-mutilation. Pull yourself together, man.

Move on, dude.

Dun dun dunnnn rose ceremony cancelled! Roses for everyone!

We're already traveling now? Guess the budget is higher since they saved so much money on Chris' season staying in South Dakota the whole time. We're off to the Big Apple. 

The first group date is rap battling with "The World's Greatest Entertainer"...Doug E Fresh. Very disappointed it's not R Kelly. What does the E stand for? I hope it's something super nerdy like Earl or Eugene. 

Do all these white people in the crowd even know who Doug E Fresh is? They're cheering louder for Kaitlyn than they are for him. We see a blurry, foreboding shot of Nick V lurking in the back of the crowd with Ashley I the crazy slut virgin! I wonder if she's still a virgin. 

Okay some of these guys really pulled it out in the battles. Corey with an E finally has a personality. Shawn B is swoon worthy as always. Justin actually was dece too, minus the 90s butt-cut hairdo.

Drop the mic, boys...no seriously, drop it and never touch it again.

Nick V makes his grand entrance and asks if he can be on the show. They're making out within 30 seconds. She says maybe. Apparently they have undeniable chemistry. Good thing they've built such a solid foundation/7 tweets back and forth. The other guys get wind of the situation and are not happy about it. They bring up good questions about her not being confident in the options she already has (remember, they're still on the group date. awkwardddd).

Justin stands up to say to everyone that it's okay if Nick comes back. Such a power play to get the rose and it worked.

Back at the house, some intern puts them all on a couch to bro out and have a spontaneous chat about the drama. Obviously won't be promoted to junior producer, pull another couch over and don't make them same side! Amateur. But really there is so much Nick drama I can't even keep all these conversations straight anymore.

"I miss Tony." -Brittany Ross, Chicago Conference #2 

OMG Ashley S is back! But this is not the Ashley S we know and love. Can't decide if Old Ashley S was on drugs or if New Ashley S is... Either way she gives advice to Kaitlyn while pretending to do her hair. We know it's fake because Kaitlyn left the salon with a side braid.

Kaitlyn is in SUCH a difficult situation, with guys flying across the country trying to date her. I just can't identify with that problem. If I were the Bach-ette, here's how it would work. Everyone would get out of the limo and introduce themselves. After I meet everyone, I go into the house. They've all disappeared without a trace, except maybe one who doesn't know the difference between apart and a part.

The single life.

One-on-one date with...Jared the rodent/hawk with facial hair that's constantly askew. 

K is wearing special ABC-endorsed Neil Lane diamonds! Making an early appearance this season, usually we don't see him until the proposal.

Okay Jared looks semi-decent in his tux and in this lighting. They brought in a facial hair specialist to help him out. WHAT UGH CHRIS HARRISON GAVE THE FIRST HELICOPTER RIDE TO JARED?! Feeling betrayed by Our Lord and Savior. Jared gets a rose.

Group date on Broadway, promoting Aladdin this year instead of a new Disney film. It worked, because it subconsciously influenced our .gif selection.

According to Kaitlyn, Aladdin is the perfect love story. So basically she is looking for a street rat who lies about his identity so the girl will fall in love with him. Aladdin is not there for the right reasons.

These guys need to work on their jazz hands. 

The only thing we learn during this date is that Chris is a little bit tone deaf and a lotta bit gay. Somehow he scores the solo date. Joe and Ben H are adorably salty in the back row together. Chris and Kaitlyn perform stand silently in the show, he gets the rose and a lame kiss.

Kaitlyn: "That guy has heart and I think he would make a great husband for another man."

PS "having heart" is basically the kiss of death on this show. He won't last much longer.

WE DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE ROSE CEREMONY THIS WEEK THIS IS BS. I am livid. This is really screwing up our point system.

I feel personally victimized by ABC

You can check your standings here, though it's not totally up to date since The Process is all whack now. 

Will Nick V be accepted by The Bachelors? Will they revolt? Leave us your thoughts (and some love) in the comments. Feel free to share these posts too! Julie made it super easy for you with little icons down below. Also, we're on Twitter now. Follow us @RosesToRiches.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Two: Fly Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bach

Thank goodness we're getting back to some normalcy in week two. We're backdown to one bachelorette, she's having a chatty brunch with Chris Harrison, and all is right in the world. Surprisingly, she's not staying in Chris Soules' rustic cabin at the end of the Bach House driveway. Maybe they thought the outdoor shower would tempt the cameramen...or maybe they were worried she too would discover the backlot betting ring (#throwbacktoAshleyS)

After Kaitlyn's little "yay me" chat, we see the guys hanging out in the Bach House. Here's my big question: Why are they telling each other who they are voting for?! Guys, consider some strategy play. You met these dudes less than 24 hours ago, and don't think they're going to use that great little sabotage tidbit when they most need it? What is this, amateur hour? You're all bro-y now but in two days you're going to be all "I'm not here to make friends." Trust me. This ain't our first rodeo.

First up, we get a group date. Some ambitious junior producer said, "hey, I know how to bring out their aggression, AND feature a former DWTS participant, AND put our on-call medics to good use....BOXING!" Whoever you are, junior producer, we thank you. You get a promotion. During these boxing workouts, Kupah is way more into boxing than into Kaitlyn and I'm way more into Kupah's body than writing this blog.

ANYWAY, the boxing matches are brutal and also make no sense. Somehow against all odds and logic, Jared makes it to the final round, where he gets pummeled. Regardless, he's the first contestant to require medical attention! Thanks for taking one for the team...quite literally. Those five points are totally worth your concussion.

On the calm portion of the date, Ben Z comes out of the gate sprinting into his heartbreaking story. Some of the other dudes start sharing their feelings. Justin shows off his resting douche face. Jared swings by on his way home from the hospital, and for some totally unexplainable reason, she's into him. They kiss and I pour myself more wine. She gives Ben Z the date rose and makes out with everyone else as a consolation prize.

Clint gets the first one-on-one date. As Kaitlyn points out, any man who draws Chris Harrison on a triceratops deserves a one-on-one. We agree, girl. They go to do an underwater photoshoot which they say is "all the rage." To me, it looks like a great way to ruin a thousand dollar gown and get swimmers ear in the process. He gets a rose.

 ^^ The result of my last underwater photoshoot ^^

Meanwhile, back at the house, Touchy Tony goes on a rant about non-violence and love. Yes, Touchy Tony is the one with a black eye. Am I missing something? He keeps spewing some "I need a supportive girl" nonsense and he then REFERS TO HER AS BRITT BY ACCIDENT. Homeboy is some fat that needs to be trimmed. All the other dudes agree with me.

The second group date involves standup comedy, Amy Schumer, and JJ's obnoxious ego. Some standouts: Chris the Dentist and Joshua the Welder. A not-so-surprising failure: Touchy Tony. later on, after a few make outs, JJ gets the rose. He looks like an awful kisser.

"But we're all special butterflies, guys" - Tony

Finally, we're at cocktail party time. JJ snags her first, even though he already has a rose. That's a big Bachetiquette no-no. So much so that Touchy Tony and Kupah get all antagonistic and JJ is now the villain of the house. Is anyone else reminded of Ben from a few seasons back? I miss JJ the Pantsapreneur. Can we organize a trade?

Ian sneaks her away for some good chit-chat time. I'm diggin it. She's diggin it. You keep doing you, Ian.

Kupah tries to "be honest' with her, but it sounds a little more like fishing for compliments. He does address race in that he doesn't want to be the "token black guy." Once again, I'm ashamed that we count minority points, and ashamed that minorities on the Bachelor/ette are such a novelty. Unfortunately for him, he goes mouthing off to the other guys within earshot of Kaitlyn and she decides to send him packing. He gets confrontational with the producers and...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Are you serious, ABC? What happened to the guaranteed rose ceremonies every episode? YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT.

Welp. we have no rose ceremony this week, but at least Britt and Brady are happy, I guess. I wouldn't want to date either of them, so at least they have each other. Points from this week and next will be grouped together as "Episode 2" because without a rose ceremony, did the episode really happen?

Happy Merlot Monday and Terrible Tuesday everybody.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Britt/Kaitlyn Week 1, Part 1: Go Home, You're Drunk.

Hold on to your hats, people, it's going to be a wild ride. The season is already off to a great start, and we're only one episode in.

First, a big welcome to all the new league participants! The Roses to Riches Chicago conference has increased to a whopping three pools and the Nashville Conference is growing as well. We're at record capacity this year and actually had to turn people away. Looking into expansion possibilities, so stay tuned for that.

Second, huge thanks to the Orchard gals for hosting draft night. The Coach House is out of commission and Julie took the TV, so we appreciate you allowing the league to take over your living room for the evening.

Right off the bat in this episode we get some nice quality time with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. I've missed him so! He tries to convince America that allowing men to choose the Bach-ette will offer a better opportunity for true love to blossom. He only said that to work in the rose pun, so I can't fault him for that. Side note: can't wait to pre-order The Perfect Letter!

Here's a rundown of the contestants for this season. What follows is a combination of a few people's note-taking, plus crowd reactions and text message conversations.

Ben H. Julie knows him! Kind of. Friend of a friend.
Ben Z. Former almost-NFL player. Dead mom. Front runner
Bradley
Brady. Singer from Nashville. Waxes poetic about Britt being a billion on a scale of 1 to 10, says he has melodies inside him. ok.
Chris arrived in a cupcake car
Clint looks like a loser, needs a haircut.
Corey
Cory no E. I call him Flex.
Daniel is almost definitely gay. We can tell by his occupation and also because Emily knows three girls who have made out with him and can back this claim up
David
Ian in a coma from car accident. Taking an early lead
Jared awkwardly talking at both of them while standing only in front of Britt. Possibly gay. Snaggletooth
JJ tryna puck Kaitlyn. She digs the jokes
Joe needs a haircut but love the moonshine and the accent. "yes ma'am" ftw
Jonathan has a child. And earrings.
Josh. Criminal lawyer/stripper. Unable to find a wife among the women who watch him strip. He seems bewildered by this so now he's on the show, procrastinating studying for the bar. BEWARE ANYONE ON THIS SHOW NAMED JOSH. DID NO ONE LEARN THAT LESSON FROM ANDI'S SEASON?
Joshua the welder from Idaho. Makes a promising metaphor about welding and love with heat, friction and sparks flying. Okay that metal rose though...
Justin OMG every J name on the planet in this cast
Kupah looks like a half-black Pitbull. The man, not the dog. I like him mostly because his answers online sound like he was just g-chatting someone about going on the show. "What does marriage mean to you?" "FOOORREEEVEEERRRRR."
Ryan B
Ryan M is drunk already, just go home
Shawn B Ryan Gosling doppelgänger holy smokes
Shawn E, amateur sex coach (not even a professional?!) and arrived in a hot tub
Tanner pwns Britt immediately by handing her some tissues. Kaitlyn continues the pwn-age, asking "Is that soap or tissues??" Heh.
Tony omg he literally just kissed his plants. "See you later babies." Plant kisser! He's talking yogi nonsense about the puzzle pieces of life and sounds like he's on a lot of drugs. Also has a suspicious black eye...

The cocktail party is in full swing and the guys are in serious competition analysis mode. They're discussing the ladies as if they are a political platform. "Are you pro-Kaitlyn or pro-Britt?" "I just found a pocket of people who are pro-Kaitlyn." "I haven't decided which way I'm voting yet." It's called love guys just follow your hearts. Not that hard.

Ian with the first steal of the evening! He stole Kaitlyn from the group though, not from an individual, so no points awarded for that. He's an early favorite among the viewing audience.

Clint earns huge metaphorical points with his cocktail party stunt. He brings out a framed piece of art and it is the most beautiful masterpiece I have ever seen, second only to The Naked Man. It's a pencil drawing. Of Chris Harrison. RIDING A TRICERATOPS. I would pay big money to own this piece of history.

Then, we have Ryan M. Oh, Ryan M. So many points, so little screen time! The guy shows up already drunk, then proceeds to:

- Call out Shawn E's limo stunt as stupid, telling him he sucks

- Bang on the windows during other people's intros, waving like an idiot

- Slap Kaitlyn's rear end 

- Shout "IS THIS THE GAY BACHELOR?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY" after doing a scan of all the guys in the room

If this isn't enough, he then strips naked (where was Josh for this?) and jumps in the pool. He's literally falling over as he tries to get out of the pool, then goes running around the house tearing shit up and knocking pictures off the walls. JJ tries to intervene, asking him, "Why do you have your shirt off right now?" 

To which Ryan M responds, "WHY AM I NOT RAPING YOU RIGHT NOW?"

Then, for the first time in Bachelor history, Chris Harrison intervenes! Ryan M gets bounced out by the large man in the golf cap, struggles to navigate his way around the rose bush, and gets sent home by Our Lord and Savior in a prison van. No rejection limo for you, sir. #byeforever

The guys then start to vote on who they want by putting a rose in one of two boxes. Tony rushes to the ballot box before Chris Harrison even stops talking. "The energy coming from the chest with Britt's name on it was...pulsating." Cool it on the sensual talk dude it's night one.

Of COURSE ABC left us with a cliff hanger. Darn you, producers and your antics. Why can't I be one of you.

Tonight we'll find out who the Bachette is! We'll also have preliminary standings at the end of the episode, which will go up Wednesday.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

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Chris Week Seven (and eight): Hey, Mom, Don't Google My Wife

I know this is a day late. I'M SO SORRY. Four entire hours of material to recap is a LOT and I have this thing called a job that makes blogging a little difficult sometimes.

We open the evening's marathon in the wake of the beautiful disaster that was the two on one date last week. The girls want to know where Chris' head is at after that train wreck. They're all proud of him. Megan suddenly decides that she's donezo. Just like that, she leaves! Unceremonious elimination! Didn't see that coming. Just kidding, I totally saw that coming.

Then, Bachelor Chris and Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior pull a classic switcheroo on the girls. The ole "ladies, we WILL have a rose ceremony tonight." "JK I LOVE YOU ALL! YOU ALL GET A ROSE!"

You get a rose! And YOU get a rose!

The group leaves the Badlands and heads to the big, glamorous city of Des Moines. They walk in to see their fancy new digs and the only thing they can come up with is "OMG it's so big!" That's what she said. 

Jade gets the first one on one. Not loving her so much. She has such a flat vanilla pancake personality and has not really said anything of substance yet. Chris shows Jade around Arlington which is the smallest town in the entire world. They go to a football game and meet Chris' parents...? Chris is gonna regret that one I think. He thinks she's this perfect, small town girl next door with a "good head on her shoulders." WRONG WRONG WRONG can't wait for this to go down in flames.

At the football the crowd starts to cheer "kiss Chris" and Jade is all "omg! This is so spontaneous and wonderful! How did we even get to the center of this football field on display for the entire town?"

Meh.

Side note, Carly's commentary through out this whole episode is gold. The Midas touch of the night.

Whitney gets the next one on one. They go to a lame photography museum which is probably the pinnacle of culture in Des Moines. The interns hand them a camera and they get to take their own premature engagement pictures. Her voice is literally one of the most irritating sounds ever created by a human being.

pls stahhhhhhhp

They meet Chris' best friends. Whitney thought they were stalkers fans at first which was funny. Then they go back outside to see that one of their photos has been painted on the wall as a giant mural! If Whitney loses, will the mural be painted over?

In the hotel Jade tells the girls about her date and Britt cries. Carly makes fun of her. Carly then proposes a road trip to Arlington! Let's go see our future! It's like preparing for your own execution.

They make it to Arlington and get from one end to the other in under two minutes. No restaurants, bars, open businesses. Britt to girls: no fuckin way. Britt to Chris: I loved it! *~The sUnSeTs!~*

Group date is Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn. Carly rips Britt a new one for crying again about how bad she's going to be at ice skating.

Staged side convo where Jade reveals her nude modeling career to Carly. We pause to investigate. There was googling. There was screaming. There was a lot of judging Rob. Pretty much in that order. Shock and awe, minus the awe. 

Back to the group date. Britt is so full of shit! Apparently all she wants is to be a mom. I don't really see that. Whitney, totally. Whitney is already pregnant in her mind. Luckily Carly warns Chris about how shady Britt is. Kaitlyn gets the rose and shit goes down. The score is incredible. The drums! Britt is cracking her knuckles. She absolutely loses it in front of Chris.

"It was so much better of an explosion than I could've ever possibly expected."

Becca goes on a one on one. They have the most real conversation. Congrats Becca on having a realistic perspective on love/The Process.

Before the rose ceremony Britt packs her stuff! She's so manipulative omg she just wants Chris to beg her to stay. Go home, Britt.

Surprise! No cocktail party. Britt interrupts the rose ceremony. The girls are losing their shit. Carly's about to vom.

Chris: "I'm not saying you're lying about loving Arlington, I'm just saying other people said you're lying."

HOLY SHIT BRITT GOES HOME. UNCEREMONIOUS ELIMINATION AND SO MUCH DRY CRYING.

Bet she wishes she took off her makeup now.

Carly: "Heh, now you know what it's like to be a normal person!"

Whitney: "Britt isn't getting a hometown. This is so huge I have to shut one eye about it."

Hometowns. These are surprisingly dull if I recall correctly.

Becca goes first. Becca's family dances around the fact that she's a virgin. Chris won't be surprised by this next week but hopefully it's not a deal breaker because we like Becca.

Whitney's next. They go to the fertility clinic. "I'm pretty confident my soldiers are marching." Whitney says I love you. There's so much cart in front of this horse right now.

Kaitlyn's date starts in a dirty alley so who know's what's gonna happen. They rap. Chris is the worst rapper of all time. Kaitlyn's family has a cool dinner table with a fire in the middle.

Jade goes last. Ohhhhhh Jade. Her brothers call her a wild mustang. After family time Jade confesses her past to Chris and shows him the pictures AND THE VIDEO. Wrong move. Chris ends up sending Jade home. It's not because of the Playboy thing, but it's totally because of the Playboy thing.

Except the computer in the trash is Jade...in the limo.

So many points this week! Check the standings here. Can't wait until Fantasy Suites next week! It's gonna be so sexy.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Six: I Know What You Did.

Finally, the resolution we've been waiting for! The anticipation from last week's cliff hanger has been torturous.

Me all week

In sum: Kelsey the Black Widow (props to Carly for that one) has a panic attack. While on the floor with an oxygen mask, she giggles and says to the medic, "I'm totally getting a rose tonight."

The other girls see right through this stunt and are annoyed. Chris sends home Samantha (who?) and McKenzie (finally). GOODBYE, MOTHER OF KALE.

Moving on. The group continues on their low budget travels and makes their way to Deadwood, South Dakota. Not much to see here, folks. Chris gives America a brief history of Deadwood, telling us that "this is where Calamity Jane...did her business." All this does is prove that Chris knows nothing about Calamity Jane.

We learn that Britt hangs out in her bra at the hotel. This is not the Bachelorette! No gratuitous shirtlessness. Put yo clothes back on girl. Maybe this is a strategy to keep her clothes clean since she doesn't shower? Still baffled by this based on the perfection of her hair and lack of pimples.

Becca gets the first one-on-one date in Deadwood and they go horseback riding to a castle (??). The interns definitely built that for this episode. Becca gets a lot of metaphorical points on this date for finally acknowledging three critical/awkward facets of this show:

1. Chris' giggle. She admits that she's not laughing at what Chris is saying, but laughing at his laugh because it's so hilarious and girly.
2. The awkwardness of kissing on TV/in front of other people. She CAN'T be the only person who's ever thought this. She says it's weird for her because she's a virgin. I think it's just weird for...people. Right?
3. What are your parents feeling when they watch the show? Again, why aren't more people concerned about the way they're acting on TV? 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a producer makes Kelsey go and sit in the middle of a small group of betches so they can spontaneously have a conversation about how much they don't like her. She follows up with an I-can't-help-it-that-I'm-popular sort of response. "They are intimidated by me because I am #blessed with eloquence. I'm smart and I use big words. They just don't understand."

Kelsey. Gtfo.

During the group date we get an appearance from Big and Rich! What a fall from grace. They have a new album but they just stick with the classic Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. More appropriate for Chris' situation, I guess. The date activity is writing a love song for Chris. Chaos ensues.

Let's examine the irony of this situation. For the last few seasons, there has been at least one group date that involved contestants stripping off an inappropriate amount of clothing and performing various activities: pole dancing, dog photo shoot (IT WAS FOR CHARITY, Y'ALL). There's always one token player who is supremely uncomfortable. S/he expresses these feelings to the Bachelor/ette and usually ends up with the rose.

This year, we finally have a contestant who would THRIVE in this setting! Jade the cosmetics developer model PLAYMATE. She would totally rock a nude photo shoot, but here she is, "riding the struggle bus" on the song writing date. Well played, producers. She's annoyingly nervous like okay just get over it have you never watched the show before? Talent matters zero percent.

To add to the group date drama, Chris whisks Britt off for a "surprise" Big & Rich concert for TWO WHOLE HOURS where he gives her the rose, they make out on stage and sing...you guessed it...Save a Horse, Ride a Farmboy. Anyone else notice this lyric change by B&R? Subtle.

This ordeal does not go over well with the other girls (shocker). Shitty move for Chris to do that on a group date. The girls seem to be mad at Britt, but what is Britt going to do? It's not like she's going to say no when Chris is all "let's sneak off to a concert!" She can't just not come back or pretend she didn't get the rose. Every one of those girls would have done the exact same thing. Lots of tear points though, yay.

^^All the other bach-ettes be like ^^

Finally, we get to the best part of the episode. The TWO ON ONE DATE: Ashley the Slut Virgin versus Kelsey the Psycho Husband Killer. Ashley is super confident that she's going to boot Kelsey off during this date, but it ends up being a beautiful accidental murder-suicide. 

Kelsey/Ashley: We're going to the Badlands! The baadddddlaaannnndsssss YASSS. I love the Badlands.

Kelsey: Ashley doesn't even know what the Badlands are. I definitely know. 

Chris: This is gonna be really awkward today.

Kelsey identifies all the presidents on Mount Rushmore and Ashley rolls her eyes.

Ashley: I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS DATE.

There's a bed set up in the middle of the Badlands. The producers aren't even trying to disguise the awkwardness here. 

Chris and Ashley talk. Ashley tells Chris that Kelsey is fake and crazy.

Chris and Kelsey talk. Chris tells Kelsey what Ashley said about her. Chris WTF are you doing? He's facilitating their self-destruction, that's what he's doing. 

Kelsey and Ashley reunite on the bed and Kelsey stares Ashley down with her dagger eyes. "I know what you did." If looks could kill, then Kelsey definitely murdered her first husband.

Ashley: "Oh, OKAY, you think you're so smart because you use big words. Well I have a masters too and it's from a better place SO THERE." She's so drunk throwing shade and masters degrees. 

Ashley to camera: "I may be a virgin, but I'm mature sexy and she's not!" Ha! In your face, Kelsey!

It played out a lot like this

Chris and Ashley talk again. He breaks up with her and she sobs hysterically. This conversation needs subtitles. Ashley storms off, totally expecting Chris to chase after her. When he doesn't, she comes back like "CHRIS!! WHY AREN'T YOU FOLLOWING ME? WHY AM I ACTING LIKE THIS? CONSOLE ME." So instead he tells her that Kelsey said she was immature and that's why she has to leave.

Then Chris and Kelsey talk again. He breaks up with her too! She acts like she's okay but we all know she's secretly plotting her revenge. The conversation ends pretty abruptly. Chris says "welp take care" and then hops in his helicopter to fly away back home. He leaves Kelsey to mourn alone in the Badlands. The camera pans wide and ASHLEY IS STILL THERE TOO OMG HE STRANDED THEM BOTH IN THE BADLANDS.

The girls learn of Kelsey's departure and there was much rejoicing! They pop some bottles in celebration.

No rose ceremony this week, and minimal screen time with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. Sad times.

Points and standings are available here. Most teams are hanging on with one or two girls left, but Maggie's team has bitten the dust. Kelsey and Ashley were her two remaining gals and they took each other out in a glorious battle to the death. Maggie wins wine.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Five: We're Not in Iowa Anymore

This week's episode takes us to the exotic city of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Contrary to what several of the girls believe, New Mexico is actually not part of Old Mexico, and no, they don't wear sombreros or dance like lunatics. Where do they find these girls, really? Remedial history classes?

The first one-on-one date goes to my girl Carly. She gets the privilege of intimate time with Chris and the voyeuristic love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury (whose name totally sounds like something out of Harry Potter!) She forces them to get all awkward and sexual, which is every girl's dream first date, I'm sure. The two are even instructed to undress the other while Tzi looks on with chronic hungry eyes. Carly gets a rose. Chris gets blue balls.

Tziporah be like ^^

Now that everyone is feeling sufficiently weird-ed out, ABC brings us back to reality with the most normal situation they could muster: a group date. Two rafts full of squealing ladies float down a river, and somehow Jade gets thrown in the water which aggravates her too-ridiculous-to-be-real medical disorder. Apparently her body temperature is like that of a lizard, so she gets hypothermia at temps those of us in the Midwest call "summer." Let's all keep in mind, this girl use to model for nudie mags, and I'm sure they don't keep space heaters around those shoots...how did she survive? 

I digress...the point is, she uses her hypothermia to her advantage, scoring a foot rub from Chris and making the other girls (and Rob) jealous. Kelsey starts to get ideas. Note: this does not qualify for Medical Attention Points because a medic was not present; Chris administering "medical attention" does not count.

The date gets real interesting at the after party. Everyone's favorite drunk sorostitute Jordan shows up at the hotel begging for a second chance. Naturally, our actual contestants are pissed and throwing SO MUCH shade. It's glorious. They all bitch and whine about her return, so Chris decides is forced to drop her like a bad handbag. Whitney gets the group date rose. Jordan earns a whopping 19pts for returning, getting unceremoniously eliminated, and then crying about it. MVP of the week.

The next one-on-one date goes to Britt, who we learn is "hygienically challenged." According to her BFF Bach sistas, Britt doesn't shower. Like...ever. She also sleeps with makeup on, like a monster. Seriously, ladies, don't do that. It's really really really bad for your skin. 

^ Britt showing artistry as a form of flattery ^

Britt and Chris go on a hot air balloon ride. She seems to forget about her "fear of heights" that she had been crying about not 12 hours prior. After the date the two go snuggle up in Chris's hotel room, and Britt has the lady-balls to tell the rest of the girls about their "nap." You want to get a stiletto to the eye? That's how you get a stiletto to the eye. More shade thrown. Britt gets a rose.

Finally ABC decides to introduce us to the crazy bundle of sociopathy that is Kelsey. Yes, Kelsey has a tragic story that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. Yes, I'm sure she'll never quite get over that trauma. No, she does not need to flippantly discuss the death of her husband on national TV as if it was a flash sale at Bloomingdale's. Kelsey sneaks off to Chris's room to tell him all about her late husband, then says to the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? Tragic, but it's amazing!" and there is definitely a serial-killer smile behind it all. Our whole viewing party was still recovering from the creepiness of the first date, so this Kelsey moment causes all of our wine bottles to magically empty into our livers.

The pre-ceremony cocktail party is canceled because Chris is sure of his decision and probably too scared to face Kelsey the girls for fear of injury...or more shade. ABC proceeds to pull the biggest bitch move in the history of bitch moves, and they push the rose ceremony to next week! They had the audacity to leave us with a To Be Continued! You know what's not to be continued, ABC? My wine collection, because I drank it all last night trying to cope.

Best .gif in the history of .gifs

Points have been updated. No one has been eliminated yet, so we have that to be thankful for. All points that happen up to the end of what would have been this week's rose ceremony will be assigned to Episode 5. Then we'll proceed to Episode 6. Next week looks extra point-heavy with betch tears and actual medical attention. Until then, if anyone has a fool proof cure for Tuesday hangovers, give me a call.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Four: Organic Drama That's Farm to Cable

Week four is here, and we're finally getting down to a lean, fat-trimmed cast of ladies. There are two group dates, two-ish one-on-ones, and plenty of sponsorship dollars to afford helicopters for endless seasons to come.

The first group date is, as Kelsey so eloquently puts it, a "perfect date for bimbos." Needless to say, it was hilarious. Chris takes a gaggle of girls to a lake/retention pond where they swim (skinny dip), relax (mentally strategize for one-on-one time) and later camp (get wasted by a fire). No complaints from Chris on any of these fronts, go figure. Men, right? Anyway, he says he's just happy to be able to spend some quality time with these women in their bikinis/birthday suits.

Once everyone is sun burnt and nursing their bee stings and leech wounds (probably), they set up tents and "camp" while all the producers laugh and refuse to help. The full moon starts to bring out Ashley S's full crazy, so her interaction with Chris is quite entertaining. Unfortunately, she throws a big 'ole crazy socket wrench in the league points, as she TELLS HIM SHE LOVES HIM AND WE ALL SCREAM AT THE TV. Our league rules have never taken intoxication/lunacy into account for the "I love you" rule, so that means Ashley S. gets the points. All ten stupid points.

As we all whine about Ashley S ruining everything, Ashley I jumps in the ring and makes a few bold, ridiculous choices. She sneaks into Chris' tent after he falls asleep, and we're all cheering for some hanky-panky. No. Instead she awkwardly tries to tell him she's a virgin without using any of the words that define "virgin." She says something to the effect of "I'm so innocent, which makes me sooooooooo unique, blah blah blah" and Chris has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. She could have been telling him that a coyote ate her collection of fake eyelashes, for all he knew. She leaves, he sleeps, we all cringe. Kaitlyn gets a rose.

LAWLZ, no.

While these girls are out in the wilderness, Chris' sisters come to the house and interview the remaining girls that weren't picked for kickball. They choose Jade to accompany Chris on a Cinderella date, but more importantly, they choose Jade to get a FREE pair of Louboutins and a FREE pair of diamond earrings. Ashley I. is losing her shit over this because apparently she's the only girl who has ever seen a Disney movie, and has always dreamed of starring in a Disney commercial going on a princess date. ANYWAY Jade is all cute, and wearing an adorable dress, and I think Chris showed up at some point. Jade gets a rose.

The third date of the episode involves mud, wedding dresses, and more advertising. Chris takes several gals to San Fran to do a mud run in wedding dresses. Jillian happens to be on this date, and also happens to be a beast, so she wins the muddy obstacle course thanks to ABC not testing for performance enhancing drugs. According to Carly, she'd need to run a mile every day for five years to keep up with Jillian. That's a loooot of laps around the cruise ship, honey. Jillian wins a one-on-one dinner with Chris, and it appears no one every told her the rules of this show. She seems to be under the impression she's actually supposed to talk about herself...so naturally he's bored out of his mind and ends up giving her the boot. Goodbye Jillian. We'll miss your front and back censorship boxes.

The world may never know.

Finally, we make it to the cocktail party (thank goodness, because we're running out of wine!). A bunch of girls do a bunch of boring things, and then Ashley I comes back in outfit repeating glory. The producers obviously told her Chris didn't really understand her during their conversation in the tent, because homegirl decides to reiterate her whole "I'm a virgin" speech as if she's telling him she has an infectious disease. He looks pretty shocked and a little scared. Carly is just as shocked, because "[Ashley's] mouth is not a virgin." Ten points to Gryffindor for that comment. Ashley flips out and sheds some more betch tears. Then we find out Becca is also a virgin, because, you know, sexual history is the only important quality about a female...duh.

At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. Thank goodness.

She may feel nothing, but you'll feel pain.

Next week should be a doozey, since someone requires medical attention (5pts) and Kesley starts to show her real crazy.

Points are up. We're still missing dues and team names from a few players. So get those in or we'll tell Ashley S. where you live!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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