Chris Week Six: I Know What You Did.

Finally, the resolution we've been waiting for! The anticipation from last week's cliff hanger has been torturous.

Me all week

In sum: Kelsey the Black Widow (props to Carly for that one) has a panic attack. While on the floor with an oxygen mask, she giggles and says to the medic, "I'm totally getting a rose tonight."

The other girls see right through this stunt and are annoyed. Chris sends home Samantha (who?) and McKenzie (finally). GOODBYE, MOTHER OF KALE.

Moving on. The group continues on their low budget travels and makes their way to Deadwood, South Dakota. Not much to see here, folks. Chris gives America a brief history of Deadwood, telling us that "this is where Calamity Jane...did her business." All this does is prove that Chris knows nothing about Calamity Jane.

We learn that Britt hangs out in her bra at the hotel. This is not the Bachelorette! No gratuitous shirtlessness. Put yo clothes back on girl. Maybe this is a strategy to keep her clothes clean since she doesn't shower? Still baffled by this based on the perfection of her hair and lack of pimples.

Becca gets the first one-on-one date in Deadwood and they go horseback riding to a castle (??). The interns definitely built that for this episode. Becca gets a lot of metaphorical points on this date for finally acknowledging three critical/awkward facets of this show:

1. Chris' giggle. She admits that she's not laughing at what Chris is saying, but laughing at his laugh because it's so hilarious and girly.
2. The awkwardness of kissing on TV/in front of other people. She CAN'T be the only person who's ever thought this. She says it's weird for her because she's a virgin. I think it's just weird for...people. Right?
3. What are your parents feeling when they watch the show? Again, why aren't more people concerned about the way they're acting on TV? 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a producer makes Kelsey go and sit in the middle of a small group of betches so they can spontaneously have a conversation about how much they don't like her. She follows up with an I-can't-help-it-that-I'm-popular sort of response. "They are intimidated by me because I am #blessed with eloquence. I'm smart and I use big words. They just don't understand."

Kelsey. Gtfo.

During the group date we get an appearance from Big and Rich! What a fall from grace. They have a new album but they just stick with the classic Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. More appropriate for Chris' situation, I guess. The date activity is writing a love song for Chris. Chaos ensues.

Let's examine the irony of this situation. For the last few seasons, there has been at least one group date that involved contestants stripping off an inappropriate amount of clothing and performing various activities: pole dancing, dog photo shoot (IT WAS FOR CHARITY, Y'ALL). There's always one token player who is supremely uncomfortable. S/he expresses these feelings to the Bachelor/ette and usually ends up with the rose.

This year, we finally have a contestant who would THRIVE in this setting! Jade the cosmetics developer model PLAYMATE. She would totally rock a nude photo shoot, but here she is, "riding the struggle bus" on the song writing date. Well played, producers. She's annoyingly nervous like okay just get over it have you never watched the show before? Talent matters zero percent.

To add to the group date drama, Chris whisks Britt off for a "surprise" Big & Rich concert for TWO WHOLE HOURS where he gives her the rose, they make out on stage and sing...you guessed it...Save a Horse, Ride a Farmboy. Anyone else notice this lyric change by B&R? Subtle.

This ordeal does not go over well with the other girls (shocker). Shitty move for Chris to do that on a group date. The girls seem to be mad at Britt, but what is Britt going to do? It's not like she's going to say no when Chris is all "let's sneak off to a concert!" She can't just not come back or pretend she didn't get the rose. Every one of those girls would have done the exact same thing. Lots of tear points though, yay.

^^All the other bach-ettes be like ^^

Finally, we get to the best part of the episode. The TWO ON ONE DATE: Ashley the Slut Virgin versus Kelsey the Psycho Husband Killer. Ashley is super confident that she's going to boot Kelsey off during this date, but it ends up being a beautiful accidental murder-suicide. 

Kelsey/Ashley: We're going to the Badlands! The baadddddlaaannnndsssss YASSS. I love the Badlands.

Kelsey: Ashley doesn't even know what the Badlands are. I definitely know. 

Chris: This is gonna be really awkward today.

Kelsey identifies all the presidents on Mount Rushmore and Ashley rolls her eyes.

Ashley: I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS DATE.

There's a bed set up in the middle of the Badlands. The producers aren't even trying to disguise the awkwardness here. 

Chris and Ashley talk. Ashley tells Chris that Kelsey is fake and crazy.

Chris and Kelsey talk. Chris tells Kelsey what Ashley said about her. Chris WTF are you doing? He's facilitating their self-destruction, that's what he's doing. 

Kelsey and Ashley reunite on the bed and Kelsey stares Ashley down with her dagger eyes. "I know what you did." If looks could kill, then Kelsey definitely murdered her first husband.

Ashley: "Oh, OKAY, you think you're so smart because you use big words. Well I have a masters too and it's from a better place SO THERE." She's so drunk throwing shade and masters degrees. 

Ashley to camera: "I may be a virgin, but I'm mature sexy and she's not!" Ha! In your face, Kelsey!

It played out a lot like this

Chris and Ashley talk again. He breaks up with her and she sobs hysterically. This conversation needs subtitles. Ashley storms off, totally expecting Chris to chase after her. When he doesn't, she comes back like "CHRIS!! WHY AREN'T YOU FOLLOWING ME? WHY AM I ACTING LIKE THIS? CONSOLE ME." So instead he tells her that Kelsey said she was immature and that's why she has to leave.

Then Chris and Kelsey talk again. He breaks up with her too! She acts like she's okay but we all know she's secretly plotting her revenge. The conversation ends pretty abruptly. Chris says "welp take care" and then hops in his helicopter to fly away back home. He leaves Kelsey to mourn alone in the Badlands. The camera pans wide and ASHLEY IS STILL THERE TOO OMG HE STRANDED THEM BOTH IN THE BADLANDS.

The girls learn of Kelsey's departure and there was much rejoicing! They pop some bottles in celebration.

No rose ceremony this week, and minimal screen time with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. Sad times.

Points and standings are available here. Most teams are hanging on with one or two girls left, but Maggie's team has bitten the dust. Kelsey and Ashley were her two remaining gals and they took each other out in a glorious battle to the death. Maggie wins wine.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners