This week's episode was chock full of absolute horseshit nonsense. I am not happy about it.
Shaking my wine glass fist at you, ABC.
And so, since we've been enjoying our stay we're fuming at this reprehensible production schedule, we are choosing to forgo these individual episodes, and will publish them as a couple in the Fantasy Suite next week.
Me right now on the outside.
Me right now on the inside.
How I feel about Andi showing up. YOU'RE WASTING MY PRECIOUS, VALUABLE TIME, ANDI.
How the Roses to Riches blogging table looks.
What I want to do to Chris Harrison's face. I hate how much I love you.
Furious but powerless.
Been waiting all season for Nick to bust out the turtlenecks so I could show off this side-by-side. The resemblance is uncanny.
YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR A FULL RECAP AND POINTS. BLAME CHRIS HARRISON, NOT ME.
Comin at ya this week from a raucous watch party in Nashville! It was a challenge fitting everyone into my living room.
Nah jk it's just me and my good friend Chardonnay. Nashville Conference, let's get our shit together.
Priorities, people. Priorities.
Right off the bat we're greeted by the ladies in the purest form of Bachelor salutations: shouting from an elevated area. Four points to each of those 14 ladies and let me tell you, that identification process was a bitch.
Morning visit from Our Lord and Savior! I love when we get impromptu appearances like this. All of the ladies are at their prime: haven't eaten since 3pm yesterday, newly energized by their 8am and 10am workouts, likely on their 5th mimosa. Just how I like to be when I receive my daily agenda from a god incarnate like ol' Chris Harrison.
The girls get the first date card. It's a group date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. They specifically call her Elizabeth W, which angers me beyond measure.
Don't tarnish my name, please. I am begging you.
The card says, "Always a bridesmaid..." In case you missed the joke (which almost all the girls did), it's the first half of the phrase, "Always a bridesmaid, never the bride." It refers to a woman who is a frequent participant in weddings buuuuuut never quite the star, i.e. the likely fate of most of these ladies, let's be honest.
None of these girls understand the phrase. Like, at all.
Dumb: "Wow, I've never been a bridesmaid! This will be fun!"
Dumber: "Wow, I've been a bridesmaid, but never a bride! This will be Nick's and my first time together! This will be fun!"
My eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head.
Nick: "I had this BRILLIANT idea to take wedding photos for our date." Oh did you, Nick?
So Nick is taking wedding photos with each girl in their different bridal gowns. It's awkward because Nick is, well, Nick, and the girls are all wasted. Oh my gawd, honestly, they are getting SO territorial, peeing on Nick kissing Nick in front of each other to get a one-up on everyone else. Seriously, girls. Be cool. "Hard to get" is a strategy that works. It's tried and true. Just ask Liz.
...Too soon?
Alexis, who is assigned the role of Shotgun Bride, is now 2 for 2 on days spent with Nick in costume. Alexis does not know what a shotgun wedding is, so there's that. She also has a horrendous New Jersey accent, so there's also that.
Corinne: "I get to wear a bikini, but Brittany gets to wear a bikini without a top. She has less clothes on than I do and it's not fairrrrrrr! Daddyyyyyyyyy."
Corinne is 100% the type of girl who only has guy friends and doesn't understand why she just can't get along with other girls.
We cut to a v important conversation in the house, where the girls are talking about who's kissed Nick so far. Because what else are they going to talk about? Liz is lording over them all, with a sly smile about her secret sex with Nick nine months ago. She's so condescending and it's super annoying. Like okay CONGRATS, Liz, he boned you in the bathroom at a wedding. You had your chance and you didn't take it. Move along, please.
Side note: every time Liz says "we hooked up nine months ago," I feel like she's about to announce that she just gave birth to Nick's child and she's here to retrieve her baby daddy. The ultimate plot twist! A girl can dream...
Back on the date, Corinne continues to fret about someone looking sexier than she does. Her crippling insecurities are shocking. Do you think you're the only person who's ever experienced that feeling, Corinne? Welcome to being a woman. Spoiler alert: she doesn't handle it well.
Someone put an intern on 24/7 Corinne watch - she seems like the violent type.
When it's Corinne's turn for her photo shoot, she goes for the power play by removing her bikini top and forcing Nick to cover her breasts. Nick looks exceptionally uncomfortable, as do the 10 other women in the immediate vicinity who are also trying to date him. This actually makes me pretty mad. It's basically sexual assault! Hear me out. What if the roles had been reversed here? What if Nick had been the one to remove his swimsuit and made Corinne cover his boner with her hands? America would be OUTRAGED, and rightfully so. I will take serious issue with anyone who champions this as bold and empowering feminism. You and Corinne can get OUTTA HERE with your manipulative bullshit. You can't do that.
But, against all odds (or perhaps most predictably), Corinne wins the competition. She has convinced herself that this is how you find a husband. Serious question for our straight, male readers out there: is she right? Have I been doing it wrong all this time? Should I be throwing my platinum vagine at you (her words, not mine) in exchange for a platinum ring?!?! Please weigh in in the comments.
Corinne: "When I feel something, I feel it with my boobs whole heart."
Corinne: "Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, Dad would be proud."
I don't even know where to begin to unpack that statement.
At the wrap party, we overhear Brittany ask Nick, "Whose boobs were better? Mine or Corinne's?" As a reminder, Brittany was also topless for the photo shoot. But girlfriend, why would you subject yourself, or the man you're trying to marry, to that question? You're just begging to be objectified, evaluated, and deceived.
We learn that Raven got cheated on in her last relationship. The ex conversation lasts for appx 45 seconds, short and sweet. If I were on the Bachelor, my dating history would get its own spin off show--called Quit Dating Dweebs.
Actually, this is the title of my memoir. Look for it in a bookstore near you.
Success story epilogue still TBD.
Short interlude where we see the date card arrive for Danielle M. Yay! "Your relationship is about to take off." IN A HELICOPTER?! PLEASE CHRIS HARRISON WE CAN ONLY HOPE.
Alexis continues to draw the short straw on the group date. She sits down with Nick and literally says one sentence before she's interrupted by Corinne. Her one sentence was, "I'm from Jersey." In a comically emphasized accent, to boot. What a unique Bachelor Journey that will definitely not lead to Alexis getting engaged! From Left Shark (which she continues to insist was a dolphin) to Pregnant Bride, now Girl from Jersey. If anyone deserves a participation trophy, it's Alexis.
Corinne and Taylor get into an interrupting war with each other, obviously instigated by Corinne who is the worst. Corinne refers to herself in the third person. Corinne also has never heard of the Golden Rule.
Taylor, hoping that Nick doesn't think with his dick: "Maybe his heart's coming to me and my brain!"
Corinne, knowing that Nick absolutely thinks with his dick: "All I did was put my boobs out there and I was myself! Just Corinne, clothes not necessary."
Corinne comes back from her third snog sesh with Nick. She's clearly still intoxicated and suddenly starts pontificating about how she's not here to make friends. Totally unwarranted and the other girls are staring at her like mmmmmmmm OKAY CORINNE.
In an unexpected turn of events (eye roll), Corinne gets the rose. She gives an acceptance speech like it's the freaking Golden Globes. Relax, Meryl.
Nick, bruh. Really?
Raven, to camera: "If Nick likes the kind of girl who leads with her sexuality, no wonder it's his fourth time on the show."
America, to each other: "That's SO Raven."
I think some of these girls might be confused. This is NICK. The one who called Andi out on national television for her hit it and quit it Fantasy Suite. The one who came on Kaitlyn's season halfway through and slept with her almost immediately, stirring the pot with the biggest wood(en spoon) he could muster find. Do these girls not know what they signed up for? This is not Sean Lowe, the born-again virgin. No wonder Corinne is winning!
Corinne: "When I was talking to Nick, he was like, LISTENING. Guys usually don't LISTEN to me!" It's clear that Corinne has low standards, but hey - low standards doesn't mean no standards. (h/t IRL Corinne)
with these people.
Finally the group date is over and it's time for Danielle M's one-on-one.
FIRST HELICOPTER! No fanfare! I appreciate your humility, ABC. Good job.
Danielle literally can't talk and it's adorable. They helicopter around for a while and then hang out on a yacht. Precious.
At dinner, we learn that Danielle's fiancé died from a drug overdose and she was the one who found him. She didn't even know he had been an addict. So tragic. Hug your loved ones, people.
On a lighter note, Danielle's jumpsuit is FIRE. She gets the rose and then she and Nick make out on a ferris wheel. #swoon
Meanwhile, Liz really needs to let her sex secret out.
Liz: "I need to talk about me and Nick having sex. Who can I trust? Def the virgin."
A producer play at its best, but I still love it.
As Christen learns the details of Liz and Nick's sordid past, she gets that uncomfortable, toothy smile that people get when they reeeeeally don't want to be having that conversation anymore. I've made that face many times. She is getting new details from Liz every hour, on the hour. It's like whenever I start dating someone new and all my closest friends get by-the-minute screenshots of our text messages. #analysisparalysis
Another date card arrives. Thank goodness. Sarah runs to retrieve it. Sarah runs everywhere. Anyone else notice that? Really sticking to her first night gimmick.
"We need to talk..." date with Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz.
Josephine: "I'm so excited! I haven't had this feeling since I was a teenager three years ago!"
They visit the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is basically a memorial of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past.
Nick donated Kaitlyn's engagement ring and a dead rose to the museum. Did Neil Lane approve that?
The girls have to do an exercise where they pretend to break up with Nick. The purpose of this exercise is to mentally prepare them for when Nick breaks up with them.
Nick to Josephine: "Can't wait to see how insane you are."
Liz to Nick: "U ready, bro? This shit is about to get real."
Most of the breakups are pretty unremarkable, except for Josephine. Josephine does an A+ skit wherein Nick is an alcoholic and she decides to leave him. She slaps Nick across the face and he definitely gets a boner from it.
Liz's turn. Damnit, Liz, stop being such an attention whore. She's telling their actual story and it's awful. You could cut the tension with a knife. No one knows the story is real, but everyone can sense Liz's crazy, simmering there beneath her psycho eyes. Yo, everyone is confused and Liz is the worst.
At the wrap party, Jaimi tells Nick that she used to date a woman. They joke about competing for the same girls in the house. I feeeeel like she might have just friend zoned herself with that line. Interesting that ABC just skimmed right over the fact that Jaimi is bisexual. I wonder if they'll come back to it? We shall see.
They clearly have bigger fish to fry this week.
Liz continues to prove that she sucks. Nick agrees and sends her home unceremoniously. Points on points on points! Apparently "always a bridesmaid, never Nick's bride" applies to Liz as well. #foreshadowing
Prediction: Liz will never wear that romper again. It is not nearly as cute from the back as she thinks it is.
We're left with a cliffhanger, so no rose ceremony this week.
"oh no. alexis. no no no no no no noooooooo." I forgot why I wrote this and just remembered. During the credits, we see Alexis trotting out two cupcakes decorated as boobs. Because it's her one year fake boob-iversary. She and Nick eat them together and I want to punch her in the face. How dare she disrespect cupcakes like that?
Next week we anticipate a dramatic fallout from the Liz sitch. Can't wait to watch these girls crumble after hearing the news. Should be mahhhvelous.
High points earned this week! Check your standings. Leave us some validation below. Our egos will appreciate it.
Welcome back, Bachies! We're thrilled to begin our eighth season of roses, points, and casual Monday night gambling. The Roses to Riches club has maintained its strong participation numbers, with more than 100 participants spanning coast to coast once again.
Some administrative announcements:
There have been a few slight rule changes this season. See your Rules and Deets doc for details. If you don't have one, yell at your pool captain about it. Of the rule changes, my favorite is the addition of Over-the-Hill Points. This season, contestants aged 30 or over will receive three extra points for each episode they appear in. There are only three geriatric contestants in the competition, despite Nick being 36. Let's see how this plays out, shall we?
Also, in case you missed it, we have eliminated Minority Points, due to Nick's extremely diverse and racially ambiguous cast. This is a true win for humanity.
Side Note: I always miss Chris Harrison, our lord and savior, SO MUCH during the off season. His voice is like a big hug. Mr. Harrison, if you're reading, please come live in my apartment as a therapeutic life coach.
As we begin the episode, Nick really turns on the charm. He appears to be humble and relatively self aware. In the beginning we get a good recap of his past humiliations on TV.
Elizabeth is proud of his big Catholic family. His sister Bella has grown up a lot - wasn't she just a toddler last season? She's now old enough to offer "advice." Bizarre.
He meets with bachelor-emeriti Chris, Sean and Ben. They offer nothing of value, but get their ABC appearance paycheck. This is a pleasant reminder that Nick is the most interesting bachelor in at least four seasons, so we've got that going for us.
Damn girl. Got some sun to go with that shade?
The contestant bios begin, and honestly, this part of the night is kind of a blackout for blog notes. I was busy furiously writing draft notes that include the following, in no particular order:
- psycho eyes
- too much midriff
- NO PLS NO
- relatively normal
- ADULT WITH A NANNY
- old, but promising
- destined for paradise
- BOOBS
- good sob story
- gorgeous but annoying
- excited about food. KEEPER
- no underwear. NO UNDERWEAR. do not pick.
- dead eyes
I'll let you figure out which girl gets which note.
Other highlights: Neil Lane makes a guest appearance to get his sponsorship money's worth. Many contestants have potty mouths, tattoos and red dresses. Liz had a drunk quickie with Nick at a wedding earlier this year. Danielle is super confident in her french toast. Josephine forced him to eat a cold hot dog. Alexis thinks her shark costume is a dolphin.
#neverforget
Let's unpack that last one real quick - the "aspiring dolphin trainer" doesn't realize that her Left Shark costume is not, in fact, a dolphin. How is that possible? A) Wherever she got that costume from for sure had it titled "shark costume." B) Aren't there obnoxious actual dolphin costumes she could have worn? C) She probably doesn't know that Chicken of the Sea is tuna. WHY is she doing this to herself?
The limos leave, the girls put their game faces on, and our watch party launches in drafting chaos.
^Two pools drafting in one apartment looks like this ^
Once drafting is complete the point categories begin.
Rachel gets the first chat time. She's adorable and clearly too intelligent to be on this show. We immediately see some sparks and I immediately begin shit talking since she was my first draft pick. Keep it up, girl.
Virgin Christen has the hungriest eyes. She's wearing a highlighter-yellow dress and clearly imagining Nick naked - not that we need to imagine since ABC put a camera man in Nick's shower at the top of the show.
Bring on the points!
Corinne shows up as the early villain. She tries to suppress her crazy at first in front of Nick, but that doesn't last long. She steals him away for a second one-on-one chat so that she can earn First Kiss Points! Conveniently, all the other girls saw the kiss and the hatred spread like wild fire. According to Nick he wasn't totally comfortable with the gun-jumping, but that clearly didn't stop him from participating in the >3sec smooch.
Liz, however, kissed him nine months ago – so she's feeling good.
We're getting a lot of stealing away points and even some early tear points from Jasmine G.
Claw are coming out and I'm remembering why I love this show.
Dolphin/Shark girl is killin' me. She starts calling for Nick with her best dolphin impression while wading in the pool. Nick is understandably concerned with her confusion of sharks and dolphins. She does a confessional interview and her eyes don't open, so she earns the first Visibly Intoxicated points of the season.
Nick calls out the elephant in the mansion with Liz. She's Jade's best friend and hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. After the incident he asked for her number, she said no thanks, then waited nine months to reach out to him via national television. Nick's cautious, as he should be, but my guess is that we'll see her for at least another two episodes.
"Except we didn't sleep and he may not remember me."
Taylor has told him multiple times that her friends think he is a piece of shit. <- that is not hyperbole; she got bleeped out every time. It's not like "my friends hate you BUT...here's a compliment to show you that I feel differently." She just says piece of shit and leaves it. That technique has never worked for me in the past, but good luck to her.
Danielle M is ADORABLE. The baby nurse. They have some chemistry and she seems likes a pleasant human to be around. Snaps for Danielle M.
Vanessa apparently hates flowers. Gonna be a rough experience for her.
Rachel gets the first impression rose! I'm thrilled, as is the Bachelor PR team now that a minority woman is an early front runner. Looks like HuffPo will need to table their white washing op-eds for at least another week.
Keep the points coming, Rachel.
At the first rose ceremony of the season Vanessa gets the first rose and Liz rounds out with the final. Sharkphin girl shockingly gets a rose. Going home tonight this morning are Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B, Lauren, Michelle, Olivia and Susannah. We get some last minute tear points from Briana and Lauren.
Props to Rob S, Clare C, Mary and Amanda out of Chicago, Jessica in Kansas City, and Alex H in Nashville for the only teams completely standing after night one! (and trust me, it's painful to give any credit to Rob S for anything)
Check your points and double-check our work on the pool listings. We typed a lot of teams after several bottles of Bachelor branded wine, so there are likely to be a few typos. Reach out to commish@rosestoriches.com with questions or tweet @rosestoriches. Leave us some love below.
Final week, Baches. This rose is for the whole kit and caboodle. Some of you ended the night as winners, the rest of you ended the night just as bored as you started. Speaking for myself, I ended the night $20 poorer with a nasty case of merlot mouth.
This episode was brought to you by Producers
Choice Waterproof Mascara! The only brand that will keep your smoky eye on point through your worst public heartbreak. More on that later.
Both contestants must be using paraffin wax-based makeup, because DAYUM.
This week takes us to...jk we're still in Jamaica. Did someone leave an expensive straightener in the hotel or something, because I feel like this is the first time ABC has repeated the same locale twice in a season. Maybe the producers just wanted another hit of that Jamaican Kush to get through this snoozer of a season. Whatever the reason, Sandals Resort is getting all kinds of screen time and making me never want to go there ever.
The first 40 minutes of the episode feel like a loop of the same interviews.
"I never expected the producers to make me profess my love to two people" - Ben
"This is, like, crazy" - Lauren B
"Does this neon bikini make me look thirsty?" - Jojo
"You're immature and embarrassing" - Ben's mother
Repeat these quotes infinitely and you've written a transcript of the episode.
Ben LOVES lamp.
Lauren B gets the first parents-on-one date. She tells them how it's embarrassing, but she's
been waiting “since their first date” to meet his parents, which isn't that weird because a) that first date was about a month ago and b) meeting the parents means you're winning, and no one auditioned for this show hoping to lose. She's using the classic power move of calling his parents by their first names, which is something I will be terrified of until the day I die. Srsly y'all, I dated a guy for five years and still referred to his mom as Mrs. Loser-face (real names have been replaced for privacy purposes.) Parents are scary.
Post parent date Lauren and Ben get all snuggly. My watch party is convinced of Ben's sincerity. Lauren throws in some added value to her worth by saying she'll, like, TOTALLY say yes if he proposes.
Luv ya, Courtney!
Next up Jojo meets the parents. Her bouquet for Mama Higgins is far inferior in size and floral variety, sealing her fate as second place. I don't know about you, but ABC spilled ALL the suspense beans with that props department plant. Jojo must know it too because she spends the whole time groveling and begging his parents to like her. It's unpleasant.
Sidebar, can we start having the potential in-laws meet? I’d love to see Mama Higgins hardcore judging Mama Jojo. Or, plot twist, maybe Mrs. Higgins and Jojo Sr. would become best drinking buddies. Either way, I think the week after hometowns ABC adds an episode where the parents are locked in a house where they stop being polite and start getting real (sidebar-squared, did I just come up with the Nick at Night version of the Real World? Viacom, call me to discuss).
According to Ben's mom:
Lauren = polished.
Jojo = more in love with you than you are her.
Both great qualities. Flip a coin. Either way you're still a disappointment.
Mama Higgins wondering why Ben couldn't find a nice non-television girl.
More of the same Ben talking head:
"Blah blah blah I'm so torn, they're both pretty, blah"
We get it, you’re torn. You don’t love one more than the other and you’ll
never totally be satisfied because you’ll always think “what if?” We get it.
Both girls get final dates including boats and bikinis. They're both throwing all their Hail Mary passes and we're sitting here wondering just HOW these kids are so bad at communicating. Yea, they're barely old enough to rent a car, but they all went to college. They should be able to verbalize their thoughts on practical life decisions.
“Like, its crazy.
I’m, like, at peace with you. Like, I like-you like you but, like, I don’t know. I’m,
like, emotional about it.” You’re making millennials look bad and causing me to finish my bottle of wine faster than usual.
Jojo comes through with the saddest moment of the night: “He’s my best friend. This is the best relationship I've ever been in." Let's deep dive into how heartbreaking this is, shall we?
a) You met him a month ago. Do you not have any girlfriends? PSA to men: NEVER trust a girl without girlfriends. It's a sign of serious crazy.
b) Sucks to be Chad, lawlz.
c) This man is dating someone else at the same time he is dating you. You're saying that this boy who is effectively cheating on you (granted, with permission) is more devoted to you than ANY other guy you've ever been with? You need to have a sit down with Dr. Chris Harrison, our Lord, Savior and Therapist, to discuss making better choices. Luckily, you're going to have that chance.
Turns out this is the perfect visual representation of Jojo's love life.
Jojo's also a little quick to throw out the "baaaabbbbe" title. There are few things I dislike more than this pet name.
Ok, sorry team. I'll try to be a little more positive about Jojo and the current sitch. I'll put my cynicism in the recycling bin with the wine bottles I've already finished. See above for detail.
I will award some mental brownie points to Jojo for confronting him at the end of the last night. She straight out asks him if he's choosing her. Eyes are rolled (you go girl!) and shit is called out. She pulls him into a bathroom stall for privacy [insert half-baked joke about my
typical first dates] and the convo gets real. He tells her all about his feelings for Lauren. They proceed to sob and whine about how they don’t like the rules they signed up for.
Flash forward to a visit from every girls' best friend: Neil Lane, the Keeper of the Diamonds. Neil Lane probably pays more in sponsorship per year than
I’m going to make in forever, but boy do I love seeing him. Take note, Manwich. This is how TV sponsorship is done right!
Ben picks a ring and a girl. Oh goody!
The Losercopter arrives and it's.............. JOJO.
She knows it's over almost immediately due to his lack of smiling. According to Kelly, he looks
dead in the eyes. Sun's too high for a proposal, Jojo. You should have expected this.
In typical soul crushing fashion, ABC lets her finish her closing argument before the traditional dumping. I wish he could just shake his head when she opened the helicopter door so we could spare ourselves some emotions. De-heel and run away, girlfriend.
He does the ceremonious Dumping of the Other. She goes home with some class. Chad, if you're reading, now's your chance to pounce.
Ben takes a minute or two to get over it. Pan to his sweaty back and bad case of swass. They toss an ice pack down his pants (this isn't hyperbole) and on to the next one.
Prior to the Winnercopter's arrival, Ben makes all traditional gals swoon and all modern gals cringe. He calls Lauren's dad for proposal approval. This adorable/chauvinistic act causes folks at my watch party to crack with emotions. Thankfully, I held on to my stoicism strong.
The proposal happens. Ben and Lauren are all kinds of cute. They say some super adorable stuff to convince us that love is real (I'm still on the fence about that one.) Quote of the night: “I want to wake up every morning and kiss you ON THE FACE." As opposed to where, Benny Boy? Despite all my wishes, they throw in some cheesy "you're my person" lines that reek of ABC self promotion.
TGIT is the real winner here.
And that's that. They walk off into their sunset backdrop.
Great season, league members! And big deal here, for the first time drafting the winner on your team
DID NOT guarantee a place on the RtR podium! Several teams that drafted Lauren B
landed in fourth or fifth place. Proof is in the non fat pudding, folks; balance your
team with winners and crazies.
Keep an eye out for details on next season. Important: Roses to Riches WILL NOT be handling the cash money next season (it's screwing with our personal budgeting) so once Jojo's promo starts running, get your own pools together and make your own financial obligation choices. We'll still handle score keeping, but y'all are old enough to gamble on your own.
This is what all my dreams are made of.
Send us feedback for game improvements or new categories!
Love and Roses,
Julie
League Commissioner
WINNERS' CIRCLE
Chicago Winners
Team Maggie B.
Team Rachel P.
Team Shari: The Mascara Runners (also my fav name, beeteedubs)
Team Alex + Joanne
Team Kellie K.
Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Mary Clare (2nd); Team Audrey: Ben's Batshit Bitches (3rd)
Team Anne H. (2nd); Katie's Klassy Ladies (3rd + wine!)
Team Brittany: Emergency Fantasy Suite (2nd + wine!); Team Lora: The Rose Ceremony is Cancelled (3rd)
Team Jason L. (2nd); Team Rachel B. (3rd)
Honorable mention goes to Gaslight Pub.
Nashville Winners
Team Emily
Team K. Fockler
Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Zach (2nd); Team Catherine (3rd)
Team Morgan (2nd); Team K. Skinny (3rd)
Lexington Winners
Team Simon
Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Rachel (2nd); Team Ben (3rd)
New York City Winners
Team Courtney S.
Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Anna S. (2nd); Team Winny H. (3rd)
Hoes in Different Area Codes
Team Laura + Kelly
Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Laura P. (2nd); Team Allee (3rd)
I’m taking back the blog reins this week! I have missed it so much. Guest bloggers, you were so wonderful and you did a fantastic job and I am so grateful. But I have to admit I was feeling dethroned by my own empire. It was unsettling. SO I’M BACK. But don't call it a comeback.
This week's episode has a lot of meat to it (heh). What/who will go down in the fantasy suites? Who will Ben say “I love you” to? Will Caila deliver on her Sex Panther promises?
Speaking of Caila, I do need to make one major clarification. There has been some confusion as to whether or not Caila is a minority and should be earning points for her Filipino heritage. It was a gray area because the category originated as “Black Guy Points” before ABC started to diversify their diversity. After much debate among the commissioners, it has been decided that Caila is indeed a minority. The RtR qualification for minority is whether the person would check something other than “white” when filling out the census. Since we had not been awarding minority points thus far, this week we will award all 40 minority points Caila should have earned in Weeks 1 through 8. Roses to Riches sincerely apologizes for any inconvenience, disappointment or outrage this may cause.
Now that the pleasantries are out of the way (or unpleasantries, depending on how you drafted), let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.
The peanut gallery is debating the hotness of Ben. Group consensus: he’s hot but approachable. Elizabeth and Sam consensus: he is a flawless human specimen. We learn that Rob S. knows three straight women who don’t find him attractive at all. They can see themselves out.
Exotic locations! Jamaica! Ben needs to be wearing white linen pants and nothing else, pls and thx.
Caila gets the first date. Question: would you rather be first or last during Fantasy Suite week? Pros and cons to both. I would say first, for a variety of reasons. Discuss in the comments.
Ben: "Will I be able to get below the clothes surface of Caila?"
Producer: "Probs."
Caila reiterates that her biggest fear is that she can’t love. I don’t think she realizes that she sounds like a character on Criminal Minds. And not in a good way, like the love interest of SSA Derek Morgan. She is the sociopath serial killer. Guess the apples in that family don't fall far from the tree.
Derek, you slay me.
Caila and Ben have nothing to talk about on their bamboo float ride through the lazy river of Jamaica. Really bodes well for their future together.
They get to the second part of the date and suddenly Caila is Ben's chattiest friend. She's been holding in words all day and now she’s just vomiting them at Ben in the most uncomfortably staged conversation.
Caila: "I can't love anyone but when I'm with you I feel happy and my gut tells me I'm wrong but I love you
question mark?"
Ben: "Can we get to the sex part now?"
Seriously, what just happened? When Caila talks she does a bunch of 180s and somehow ends up facing the right direction. Ben can only focus on the sex jaguar panther. He hands her the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it.
And then, Ben gives her a look that sends women and gay men across America into a tizzy and in need of a cold shower. I don't think I have words to suffice. Only gifs. We rewound it many many times, and I've immortalized it here for you. You're welcome.
LOOK AT HIS HUNGRY EYES. Game over.
We can assume they boned since that's obviously the only reason Caila is still here. There's no way he can actually like her. She is an ABC-manufactured Bachelor robot with the fatal flaw of not being able to love. Back to the drawing board, interns. Rework that prototype.
[Probably a few hours later...]
Lauren walks weird. It looks like she's chafing, which is unfortunate. Plus it's super hot in Jamaica so her inner thighs are probably on fire, and not in the fun way.
Lauren and Ben release baby turtles into the ocean!!! This is so precious. The turtles are cute as can be, Ben and Lauren are smitten with each other and the turtles, and did we already talk about how cute the turtles are? They're teeny tiny and so excited to swim! My ovaries are freaking out right now.
They have a serious conversation. Ben: "I cried in front of your sister." Lauren: "Ya I know she told me lol" They have a "you're too good for me" // "no, YOU'RE too good for ME" conversation, which is a marginally more mature version of "you hang up first" // "no YOU hang up first!" Lauren says I love you to Ben. And he says it back! She looks pretty surprised. Probably because the entire time up until now they've all been BEGGING Ben for some real affection and he has been very diplomatic about it. Guess now all bets are off. They are cute together. At this point the competition is Lauren's to lose. Sidebar: Sandals Resort is getting more screen time than Chris Harrison which I feel is very disrespectful to Our Lord and Savior. In the morning Ben makes Lauren breakfast brings in the tray of room service ordered by the interns. He calls her honey.
FML.
Ominous clouds before Jojo's date. Jojo baby talks to Ben and it’s very unappealing. Better than baby talking to dogs, though. Second sidebar. PSA: If you have a dog and a Y chromosome, baby talk is off the table. Talk to your dog like a damn man. If your voice gets higher than mine and your words are unintelligible, you need to reevaluate your strategy immediately. [This sentiment reflects the feelings of one person and not the thoughts and opinions of the Roses to Riches organization as a whole (i.e. Julie's cool with it.)] [More hours and sexy times later...] Jojo gets a nudity censorship box!
Jojo says I love you. Ben says I love you! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Jojo (computer keeps correcting this to mojo) looks genuinely surprised to hear that Ben loves her. Ben's going completely rogue on the Bachelor franchise rules. Jojo: "Are you allowed to say that?"
Ben: "Well I already said it to Lauren sooooo..." Mojo and Lauren both think they're winning this thing. I vote Jojo for next Bachelorette! It would make sense because there have been rumblings about a "more diverse" Bach-ette and before Jojo’s mom was plastic, Jojo's mom was Persian (shoutout to Persians). Something to think about. Ben doesn’t say I love you as emphatically to Jojo as he does to Lauren. Jojo: "I love you a lot." Ben: "I love you I’M SORRY I'M ABOUT TO BREAK YOUR HEART." These people read the fantasy suite date card as if they have no idea what it's going to say. Corinne knows this date card by heart.
I pledge allegiance to the rose of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison.
And to true love, for which it stands -
Bachelor Nation, under ABC, THE MOST DRAMATIC, with date cards and helicopters for all.
*curtsey* Cut to the next morning, Ben is walking weird. Jojo did crazy things to him last night. The producers send in psycho Caila to surprise Ben. They give her the crazy music so we know this will not end well. Caila is never going to surprise any man ever again. They sit down for a chat. Ben: "I’ve been thinking about the ups and downs of this process. Heads up, you’re about to be in a down moment." He breaks up with her. Caila’s sad and wishing she was wearing a whole shirt. They say goodbye and in typical Caila-acting-like-her-life-is-a-movie-script fashion, she jumps out of the car while it's still moving to get one last word in with Ben. She basically pulls a half-Nick V, asking (in so many words) "why did you make love to me if you weren't in love with me?" Welcome to being a woman, Caila. Ben gives her a generic response and she gets back in the car. Buh-bye. Observations from The Nest Gena: "I could never be the Bachelorette, I have enough trouble telling my Tinder dates I don’t want to go on a second one." Sam: "This is such an effed up show." Good talk, guys. The remaining ladies arrive at the Good Hope Great House rehab facility for the rose ceremony. Jojo really pulls out the stops with these rose ceremony dresses. Lauren...not so much this week because she clearly thinks she's got this in the bag. I'm surprised she's even wearing makeup. Can't let yourself go yet, Lauren, it ain't over till it's over! While they're "waiting for Caila to arrive" they make small talk about the week they just had. Jojo: "Sooo…how was it for you?" Lauren: "How was it for you?" Jojo: "I asked you first." Default roses awarded all around. Group hug because Ben loves both of you!
Vintage Ben Higgins.
We're down to the final two ladies! I can't believe the season is almost over. Next week is Women Tell All. No points will be awarded during this episode. There also will not be a blog post. I'm giving you a week's notice so you have ample time to find a replacement highlight for your Tuesday.
If you're in Chicago, please plan to join us March 14 for the finale! We'll be watching at Gaslight Bar (where we had Draft Night). More details to come. Save the date.
Standings have changed a bit since the alterations re: Caila, so check how your team is doing going into the final episode!
To continue our foray into blog delegation, this week's blog post comes from long time league participant Clare C. out of Chicago, IL. Always the runner up, never the winner, Team Competitive Clare is always a fierce force to be reckoned with. As a Roses to Riches OG, she's got jokes.
Oh, and if a Bachelor producer happens to be reading, Clare would make a top notch contestant. Contact us for business inquiries.
Enjoy!
Hey Batches,
Competitive Clare, here. I’m gonna go ahead and put it out there that it is an honor—I repeat—an HONOR to be guest bloggin' this week. Let’s dig in.
First of all, let’s clear a few things up—even if all of your ladies have been eliminated, if you are in the lead (aka, you had Olivia and Emily and Jubilee on you team), you can still win it all. If someone has the winning lady on his or her team (cough LAUREN cough), you do not necessarily win. That is to say, in Quidditch, catching the snitch does not always mean you have won the match.
I'm not a nerd. Shut up.
Okay. On to tonight’s episode. The preview of tonight’s episode was just as good or better than the episode itself. Well done producers. The shots of Amanda’s hometown were like something out of the Blair Witch Project. Handheld shots of Ben and Amanda looking devastated in a narrow haunted house hallway while demon children scream bloody murder. (jk, they’re cute. They’re just kids. Have you ever met kids? They cry. Ben’s about to figure that out)
In fact, much of this week’s episode was accompanied by a decent amount of murder music. And, surprisingly, not only when Caila’s serial-killer-rapist-from-SVU-season 3- father was present.
This man haunts my nightmares.
Ben starts the episode by letting us know he thinks this is going to be an amazing week. Is it Ben? Is it though?
Amanda runs towards Ben on the beach like she's on Baywatch, only wearing less clothes. No, seriously, this was so inappropriate. Her shirt was falling off of her. Definitely not okay mom attire, unless you’re preparing to breastfeed your little girls. Too much? Too real? Okay. Just saying. Girl was naked from the waist up.
Someone in the Nest said that Amanda reminded them of a Disney princess. She's not. She’s like a Disney princess’ clingy older sister who was ignored and didn’t get to take voice lessons and never got rid of that horrible nasal Midwest accent, and whines all the time and gets spray tans and botox.
We got to meet her little girls (who she couldn’t fully hug because one hand was devoted to making sure she didn’t flash the camera crew). One of the little girls said she felt “shy.” That was cute. We’ll give her that, she made cute kids. The only problem was, Amanda (or a producer) felt it was appropriate to make a 4 year old child wear GLADIATOR SANDALS ON THE BEACH. ON THE BEACH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A SAND TRAP THOSE SHOES ARE??
When meeting Amanda’s family, Ben said “the girls were amazing, but it was a LONG day.” Come on Ben. You can fake liking the kid thing better than that. He and Amanda put the kids to bed and Ben immediately hits the Pinot Noir.
Amanda’s dad correctly asserts that Ben looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Ben literally said, at one point, in response to how he got along with the children, “they…didn’t hate me?”
In an effort to make herself feel better, Amanda talks to her mom about how she needs to focus on dating FOR THE SAKE OF HER CHILDREN and having fun. So, she felt the best way to do that would be to abandon them for 8 weeks and go on The Bachelor. Dear Amanda, have you ever tried just…like…dating? In your hometown? With other humans not on TV? There’s this great dating app you should try.
Ben and Amanda’s dad have a heart to heart and pops basically says “trust me….you might think you want kids. But you don’t want kids.” Cut to Ben, knee deep in Pinot Noir, saying “I’m a little buzzed right now….but I hear what you’re saying. Believe me. I. Hear. What. You’re. Saying.”
Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time?
Ben and Amanda then woke up the little girls from their nap in order to have a cute bedtime story for the camera. Sorry, no napping. We’re in show business, kiddos.
Amanda then proceeds to tell her family that Ben is the one.
Ugh. Moving on.
"No way she's from Portland, she wears makeup."
Lauren proceeds to kill it. She takes him to food trucks and feeds him eggs and butter on bread. EGGS AND BUTTER ON BREAD. Done. He fed her grilled cheese. Shuh uhp. She then takes him to the WHISKEY LIBRARY. Literally my dream.
Except. She called in a Libary. Which breaks my heart and makes me extremely happy all at once.
We then go back to Lauren’s family’s house, where we meet her EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD DOG. THAT’S ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX IN DOG YEARS. This dog needs to be dead. It really does.
Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside and starts grilling him. But Ben is about to smash her doubts and make her fall in love with him. Ben is pretty good at handling curveballs. After all, he was on Wrigley field last week. She asked, “how do I know you’re not saying the exact same thing to everyone.” Ben handled it by saying that every girl left is amazing, and if he gets on one knee, that means he really means it.” Well played, Ben. You should be in politics. Way to not answer the question.
Then, to get her sister off his back, he took a moment to look down and force himself to cry, to prove his love for Lauren. Jk. It seemed like he really cried out of genuine residual hangoverexhaustion love. Ben and the sister almost make out, but they decide not to in front of the camera. Class acts, those two.
Ben continues to be the politician we know him to be and navigate dangerous waters when dealing with the dad. He straight up says he’s not good at this and the process has been hard to handle. Way to be, Ben, way to be. Honesty is the best policy.
Lauren continues the trend of saying that she thinks Ben is the man for her. Her dad pats her on the head and reminds her that she’s a big ole dummy. He calls her Baby Lolo, and suddenly, I’ve found my stripper name.
Next, we’re onto Caila and BLAH BLAH BLAH I seriously can’t hear or understand anything you’re saying, that’s how little I care about you. She talks vaguely about how she wants a REAL house to make out in, not just a toy house. I don't know. I didn't listen.
They go on to make out in her father’s toy factory (or...murder house?), and Ben picks Caila up as the soundtrack from Flashdance plays. Her father has previously made it clear to the workers that their pay will be docked if they don’t applaud and make it look like a heartwarming blue-collar moment out of Rudy (Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuuudy.)
Caila’s lovely Filipino mother has adult braces and is sweet, while we all continue to be terrified by her serial killer father that happens to be CEO of Step 2 Toys (get after that toy fortune Ben. Get it.)
Folllowing in her serial killer father’s footsteps, Caila says a fear that only serial killers and sociopaths generally feel—that deep down feeling that she is incapable of love. Oof. I’m gonna slowly back away from you now.
Despite her creepy lack of being able to love, she whispers (I kid you not, WHISPERS) “I know he’s the one” to both her mother and father. Caila, honey, you’ve got a microphone on. The cameras can still hear you (and see you) even when you whisper.
Her dad responds saying “I wish he was the one for you, but there are other girls, and you have no idea.” She proceeds to cry. Dad predicts that she’s going to get crushed. Clare gives a quiet evil laugh, because Clare agrees.
Caila continues to creepily whisper “I know he’s the one” about 8 times.
I think we’re done here.
Ah, finally, to Dallas. Jojo sees a bouquet of red roses on her doorstep and reads a FULL PARAGRAPH OF A LETTER (which contains the sentence “I’m not just writing this because you are on a show”) before she realizes the flowers and note might not be from Ben.
I’m just gonna say this. If you have no idea what your man’s handwriting looks like, you maybe aren't in a place to consider marrying him.
She breaks down and loses it, revealing that she is not the slightest bit over Chad.
Yep. His. Name. Is. Chad. Come on now.
She calls him, and we get a glimpse into what a complete and total tool Chad is. She reveals that he is the one that broke it off, and she begged him to come back. To add to Chad’s totally creeposity, let us remember that he delivered a bouquet of RED ROSES to her doorstep, knowing full well that she is on The Bachelor and practically has to beg for a SINGLE red rose every week.
Chad is all like, step up Ben, I got her a whole bouquet. Step. Up.
Quick reminder: HIS NAME IS CHAD.
Jojo tearfully welcomes Ben, and awkwardly says “First, welcome to Dallas” about four times. During Jojo’s description of the events, Ben develops a pretty intense case of murder eyes, and experiences some mild PTSD from a past relationship in which there was cheating. The two of them are practically twitching throughout the entire conversation.
Elizabeth gleefully observed, "Ben's limo wall (guard) is going RIGHT back up."
Ben meets the fam, and Jojo says y’all 14 times in order to prove they’re from texas. When asked why Jojo is different, Ben puts it out there and says he feels more himself with her than anyone else. Bold move, Ben, bold move.
This does nothing to satisfy the hunger of the Patton men. They both creepily state that they are very “attached” to their sister, and make Ben squirm. The brothers buckle down with Jojo and remind her that she’s had two (count it)—one, two—(They hold up two fingers, to make sure she gets it)—TWO dates with Ben. They straight up tell her that he is not as emotionally invested as she is, and tell her to protect herself.
The bros confront Ben and accuse him of brainwashing the women, and psychologically tricking the ladies into desiring him. Hold up, slightly-hotter-brother-Patton—didn’t we see you on Eva Longoria’s Ready for Love? And (as research yields) haven’t you yourself participated in dating a bachelor alum?! You best check yoself before you wreck yoself.
While the brothers might be used to this kind of chaos and DRAMAAA, this whole “dating-multiple-people” thing comes as a shock to Jojo’s mom. Though, to be fair, you might not be able to tell she is shocked at first, since she cannot move her face and can barely speak, due to offensive levels of plastic surgery.
#duckfaceforever
Strange as it seems, it legitimately appears as though her mother did not know there were still 3 other girls involved on this show. While she initially told her daughter “you won’t get hurt, you’re beautiful” (helpful, thanks mom), Jojo rebuts saying “there are still three other people involved” and Mama Jojo literally says “…oh!” and covers her mouth in shock.
I can’t express the joy this moment brought the ladies of the nest. We rewound it 3 times to watch her mother’s grief at realizing her daughter is, in fact, on a reality show. All of a sudden, her mother is sobbing that she needs to “have faith” and starts chugging champagne from the bottle while the cameras are still rolling.
"Honey, they're still filming." -Jojo's dad, Joe
Here comes the Rose Ceremony.
Jojo realizes she’s screwed so wears the sluttiest dress she can find. And damn gurl, it works. OH HAY GURL.
I’m gonna go ahead and say that, at this point, I find it so creepy and weird that he just hands out roses to women he might marry. This is the point where it feels a little TOO demeaning. Can I just say that? Rose ceremonies should stop at this point. Breakups should just happen in person. Let’s write Chris Harrison a letter about it.
Ben gives Lauren a rose. Obvi. Future wife.
Ben gives Caila a rose and tears of boredom are shed across the nation. A moment of intense eye contact between Amanda and Jojo, which we in the nest determined was a moment of support and solidarity.
I gotchu, girl.
He sends home the mom.
Cold. Blooded.
Amanda took it like a champ and told him she wished he’d just told her in person at the time. Ben continues to keep it real and says his feelings for the other women were simply stronger. Ben cries, feeling glad to be done with her, but rightfully guilty about the way it went down with the kids. It’s sad. Ben is a good person, and I’m still #TeamBen.
We end the episode with a wonderful excerpt of Lauren’s blonde, pubescent brothers attempting to intimidate Ben. The contrast between the two sets of brothers is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Ben nearly shit his pants when dealing with the JojoBros, and legit could not stifle a laugh when the Culkin brothers questioned him about the fantasy suite.
Love and Roses,
Competitive Clare
Hoes in Diff. Area Codes Conference
_________________________
Check your points! We have two weeks left and many teams are in peril. Props to those of you (Maggie B. in particular) who drafted the top four contestants! Remember, winners are based on point total and NOT having the fiance on your team.
P.S. Sharing the blog and bragging about your points is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED and sometimes rewarded. Do it.
