Chris Week Four: Organic Drama That's Farm to Cable

Week four is here, and we're finally getting down to a lean, fat-trimmed cast of ladies. There are two group dates, two-ish one-on-ones, and plenty of sponsorship dollars to afford helicopters for endless seasons to come.

The first group date is, as Kelsey so eloquently puts it, a "perfect date for bimbos." Needless to say, it was hilarious. Chris takes a gaggle of girls to a lake/retention pond where they swim (skinny dip), relax (mentally strategize for one-on-one time) and later camp (get wasted by a fire). No complaints from Chris on any of these fronts, go figure. Men, right? Anyway, he says he's just happy to be able to spend some quality time with these women in their bikinis/birthday suits.

Once everyone is sun burnt and nursing their bee stings and leech wounds (probably), they set up tents and "camp" while all the producers laugh and refuse to help. The full moon starts to bring out Ashley S's full crazy, so her interaction with Chris is quite entertaining. Unfortunately, she throws a big 'ole crazy socket wrench in the league points, as she TELLS HIM SHE LOVES HIM AND WE ALL SCREAM AT THE TV. Our league rules have never taken intoxication/lunacy into account for the "I love you" rule, so that means Ashley S. gets the points. All ten stupid points.

As we all whine about Ashley S ruining everything, Ashley I jumps in the ring and makes a few bold, ridiculous choices. She sneaks into Chris' tent after he falls asleep, and we're all cheering for some hanky-panky. No. Instead she awkwardly tries to tell him she's a virgin without using any of the words that define "virgin." She says something to the effect of "I'm so innocent, which makes me sooooooooo unique, blah blah blah" and Chris has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. She could have been telling him that a coyote ate her collection of fake eyelashes, for all he knew. She leaves, he sleeps, we all cringe. Kaitlyn gets a rose.

LAWLZ, no.

While these girls are out in the wilderness, Chris' sisters come to the house and interview the remaining girls that weren't picked for kickball. They choose Jade to accompany Chris on a Cinderella date, but more importantly, they choose Jade to get a FREE pair of Louboutins and a FREE pair of diamond earrings. Ashley I. is losing her shit over this because apparently she's the only girl who has ever seen a Disney movie, and has always dreamed of starring in a Disney commercial going on a princess date. ANYWAY Jade is all cute, and wearing an adorable dress, and I think Chris showed up at some point. Jade gets a rose.

The third date of the episode involves mud, wedding dresses, and more advertising. Chris takes several gals to San Fran to do a mud run in wedding dresses. Jillian happens to be on this date, and also happens to be a beast, so she wins the muddy obstacle course thanks to ABC not testing for performance enhancing drugs. According to Carly, she'd need to run a mile every day for five years to keep up with Jillian. That's a loooot of laps around the cruise ship, honey. Jillian wins a one-on-one dinner with Chris, and it appears no one every told her the rules of this show. She seems to be under the impression she's actually supposed to talk about herself...so naturally he's bored out of his mind and ends up giving her the boot. Goodbye Jillian. We'll miss your front and back censorship boxes.

The world may never know.

Finally, we make it to the cocktail party (thank goodness, because we're running out of wine!). A bunch of girls do a bunch of boring things, and then Ashley I comes back in outfit repeating glory. The producers obviously told her Chris didn't really understand her during their conversation in the tent, because homegirl decides to reiterate her whole "I'm a virgin" speech as if she's telling him she has an infectious disease. He looks pretty shocked and a little scared. Carly is just as shocked, because "[Ashley's] mouth is not a virgin." Ten points to Gryffindor for that comment. Ashley flips out and sheds some more betch tears. Then we find out Becca is also a virgin, because, you know, sexual history is the only important quality about a female...duh.

At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. Thank goodness.

She may feel nothing, but you'll feel pain.

Next week should be a doozey, since someone requires medical attention (5pts) and Kesley starts to show her real crazy.

Points are up. We're still missing dues and team names from a few players. So get those in or we'll tell Ashley S. where you live!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners