Kaitlyn Week Seven: Cliffs of Moher and Moher Drama

Man, all the carryover drama this season is so exhausting. Just once, I would love to cap off an episode with a rose ceremony, a champagne toast, and the announcement of the next travel destination. Then open the next episode with "Tonight, on The Bachelorette..."

IS THAT SO HARD, PRODUCERS? IS IT?

Since no one this season can keep their shit together, we pick up where we left off with Shawn B having his weekly freakout. He doesn't know if he can continue with The Process.
Shawn: "Are you in love with me?"
Kaitlyn: "You can't put me on the spot like that."
Shawn: "YES OR NO?"

In her recap of the situation, Kaitlyn tells us, mid-meltdown, that Shawn was the one having a meltdown. Come on guys. Get it together.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE! I wish there were more of these. These are the best. Both people bring their own A game and simultaneously go for the kill shot with their opponent. It's brutal and beautiful. It's Bachelorette meets Gladiator. Take our suggestions seriously, ABC.

This Two-On-One features Joe versus JJ, in what JJ describes as "the most important day in my recent life." How recent are we talking, JJ? Like this week? This year? Since you broke up with Clint?

Wow Joe opens strong with possibly the most well worded Hail Mary play in Bachelor History. He knows he doesn't have much time left, so lays it all on the table and tells Kaitlyn that he's falling in love with her. I feel bad for Joe because if he cut his hair he might actually stand a chance. He just needs to find a nice southern girl who will appreciate his country boy manners. And moonshine.

During JJ's turn he drops a huge bomb and tells Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife. Did he cheat with a man? Just kidding, I know this is serious. I just have zero tolerance for cheaters and I already hated JJ to begin with so hearing this news I'm just like "oh of course you did." I don't know how he even made it this far. Bye forever, JJ. #bringbackpantsapreneur

Kaitlyn decides to send JJ home, praise Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. In what is her clearest moment of thinking yet this season, she doesn't give the rose to Joe quiiiite yet, decides she needs more time to talk. He eventually does get the rose. Yay Joe.

Back to Shawn B. So much inner turmoil. He is an emotional train wreck and the epitome of Analysis Paralysis. He has constant crazy eyes and looks like he could explode with frustration at any second.

He's back again! Shawn needs to talk to Kaitlyn and she loses it AGAIN because she thinks he knows about her boning Nick. They're both a complete mess. Much to her relief, he just wants to talk about himself and is still oblivious to the Nick situation.

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn opens with "HEY EVERYONE I MADE SOME MISTAKES THIS WEEK." This puts all the guys into a tizzy. Watching some of them squirm is fun, but Shawn and Nick are just like

uhh wut.

Uh oh now Ben H needs to talk to her. Serious face. Oh no! He's feeling self conscious about the Shawn situation. Damn, all this nonsense with Shawn is going to let everything with Nick get swept under the rug. Ugh. Also these convos go nowhere. She just makes them say words, then she gets uncomfortable and makes out with them so they don't have to keep talking.

Poor Shawn thinks Kaitlyn's "mistakes" are about him. Still no one knows she boned Nick.

Kaitlyn: "Don't tell anyone we boned."
Nick: "I didn't even say we kissed, I just said it was romantic and intimate and passionate."

She keeps saying, "I don't feel bad about Nick, I just feel bad about how it will affect my other relationships." I don't understand how she can separate and reconcile those two feelings. But can we pause for a sec? This is exactly why the Fantasy Suite exists! This show is a well oiled machine, Kaitlyn. The Process is The Process for a reason. They all messed it up by not being able to keep it in their pants and now everyone is losing their minds. Nick has an unfair advantage, Shawn thinks Kaitlyn is in love with him, it's all spiraling out of control. Let's hash this out in the comments, shall we?

#UserEngagement

Only three roses to give out tonight. Side note: Kaitlyn is way better at holding the rose than Andi was. Calling it now, Cupcake and Tanner are gone. But.....

ACK. Kaitlyn makes her third-worst decision this season (first-worst was letting Nick on the show, second-worst was sleeping with him) AND SENDS BEN Z HOME OVER CUPCAKE CHRIS. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THE BACHELORETTE ANYMORE, KAITLYN.

BEN Z NOOOOOOOOO. How is Ben Z gone but Jared is still here?! This is an outrage. Ben Z, please be the next Bachelor. Honest to Chris Harrison, I will sign up immediately. July 11 casting in Chicago, anyone??

Damnit, that was tragic. I hate to see you go, Ben Z. But I love to watch you leave.

Yes, I'm thirsty for some Ben Z

Laura L and Kristen both win wine! Ben Z was their last man standing. This show definitely self selects for drama. The guys who wear their hearts on their sleeves get all weepy when she bangs other people, but the people who have reasonable guards up and stay under the radar get cut for not being open to The Process.

Let's move ahead! We're departing Dublin and heading to the other side of the Emerald Isle to Killarney. Jared gets the first second one-on-one. <--sentence that makes perfect sense in Bach-ette world but is a complete cluster IRL. They drive to Killarney while the rest of the dude ride the bus. Shawn B snores.

Jared pulls out SO MANY cheesy one liners but they seem to be having a fun time in the car. Getting stuck in traffic is actually a great way to get to know someone so good on ya, producers. One good decision so far. They kiss the Blarney Stone.

Roadtrip

Cupcake with the comparisons again, god he's so annoying. "Killarney is old and beautiful like my soul." Go home please.

Ooh this is exciting! Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior visits Kaitlyn to impart his godly wisdom and give her some advice lay down the law. THEY'RE CHANGING EVERYTHING. Instead of 4 guys getting hometown dates, Kaitlyn has to narrow it down to 3 men this week and skip right to the fantasy suite dates. Hometowns when there are 2 left. Essentially, Kaitlyn needs to just sleep with the rest of the guys already level the playing field.

Is this the PR team intervening so save this train wreck of a season? Did Kaitlyn really already pick Shawn and, if so, is this the producers' way of speeding up the season because she wants out? A new way to slash the show's budget? So many questions.

It's like that one time they tried to change the Facebook layout!

Date with Cupcake. The fact that his nametag even says Cupcake means he's going home very soon. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. Chris is way too soft for her. They get a little bit of momentum and almost have a real conversation but then they just go back to talking about the logistics of the show, which is all anyone ever talks about. She breaks up with him. He sobs loudly and says indistinguishable words for a long time, teeters dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Kaitlyn gets in a helicopter and leaves him there. Does he jump? How does he get home? This date departure was classic, almost as good as when Ali left Kasey on a glacier in Iceland.

This actually happened.

Next week we'll find out which guys get to be sloppy seconds to Nick! Something they've all dreamed about, I'm sure. Until then, leave us a comment and share this with your friends!

Points are updated here. Every pool has at least one team that's been eliminated, so we're getting down to the final contenders! Keep up the good work, everyone.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners