JoJo's Season: The Bros Before the Rose

HEY GUYS.

Eliz here, comin at ya this week from my happy place: drinking tinto on the porch while blogging about the Bachelorette. For our fans out there who don't actually know me (AND I KNOW YOU EXIST), I promise I'm cool.

It feels like it has been for.ev.er. since Ben's season ended, doesn't it? It was a long, cold winter without y'all. We're almost back and I could not be more jazzed about it.

Let's take a moment... and praise Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that the Bachelorette is not Caila. I would be in a sad sad state if I had to watch her manic robot performances for an entire season. I was Team JoJo from the get go. Plus, from the few short previews I've seen, JoJo's season promises us a wiiild ride on that ERC (Emotional Roller Coaster for you NARPs), which is nothing short of thrilling.

The cast of characters list of suitors was finally released last week, much to my delight, so I'm here to break it down and give you my completely biased opinions about JoJo's future husband. I'm no fan of dilly dallying, so let's jump right in.

First glance. Just opened the page and saw one man in a Santa suit and one man in a kilt. Don't know who they are but gonna go ahead and nix those two before we even start.

Second glance. These guys are all so...pretty. Except for a select few. I'm not sure if that's good or bad for them. Hopefully for JoJo's sake (and ours) they are less pretty in person because honestly I'm not tryna date someone who has better eyebrows than I do. Also this yearbook-style blue background kills me every year. You rock, never change. XOXO, Eliz

Third, before we really dig deep, here are the men who qualify for minority points in the fantasy league: Christian, Grant, Jake, Jonathan. THIS IS THE FINAL DECISION. YOU WILL BE REFERRED HERE IF YOU DISPUTE MINORITY POINTS AT ANY TIME DURING THE SEASON.

Shit, y'all, the website crashed. ABC.go.com has failed me. Does Chris Harrison even realize how long my breath has been bated for this moment? How can you do me like this, C?!

False alarm. Wifi went out for a hot sec. Phew.

For real this time. Here's what we're working with this year. Let's take a look-see.

My Bachelorette MO tbh.

Alex, 25, US Marine
Very short in comparison with the rest of the guys, but everything else about him seems super promising. He saved someone from a burning car once. May prove to be too mature for this show.

Ali, 27, Bartender
Afraid of "bugs, cockroaches and bees" (am I the only one who groups those things together as one category and not three?), loves it when his date "dresses sexy" (eye roll). Will Ali have Persian heritage in common with JoJo, an assumption based solely on his name and his face? Maybe. Is that racial profiling? Definitely.

Brandon, 28, Hipster
Self-diagnosed hopeless romantic, idealistic, needs a haircut.

Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent
Is this the OC (Original Chad)? Could ignite some Chad-PTSD for JoJo. In his bio, he answered three different questions with "myself in 10 years." Those questions were: "Who do you admire most in the world?" "If you could be someone else for just one day, who would you be?" and "If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?" Kill me now. His one redeeming quality (former Marine) is completely negated by his greatest achievement to date, which he listed as "being born good looking." Get over yourself, Chad. Your name is Chad.

Chase, 27, Medical Sales Rep
I've read his profile like 4 times and haven't retained anything.

Christian, 26, Telecom Consultant
Victim of ex-girlfriend pet theft. But it was a Chihuahua so I don't feel bad.

Coley, 27, Real Estate Consultant
Hair is indistinguishable between manbun and greased back mullet. Ew. But he is anti-phone-during-dates so he gets points for that.

Derek, 29, Commercial Banker
Okay Derek is someone I could get under  on top of  on board with. Good writer, good eyebrows, good number of inches...taller than me. Questionable cucumber phobia but I'm sure that's easily explained. We all have our quirks.

Daniel, 31, Male Model
Daniel refers to his body as a "Lambo" not once, but TWICE in his bio. His OWN body. Not even JoJo's body, which arguably would be better, depending on who you ask. I'm sorry, Daniel. Gtfo. That kind of cockiness would make me run for the hills. JoJo, be careful.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Expert
WHERE DO I EVEN START. There's so much meat here. Or is it not enough meat? Ha. Penis jokes. How does one become an erectile disfunction expert? From experience? Is this a medical profession? I have so many questions and nothing else about him matters anymore. OH except I just read that one of his deal breakers is "girls with chipped nail polish." Sorry, Evan, you aren't hot enough to have requirements that outrageous. Baiiiiiii.

Grant, 27, Firefighter
Poor man's Derek Morgan. Doesn't like when girls talk about Harry Potter for more than 20 minutes on a date. Rude, but he'll be nice to look at.

Hey, baby girl.

Jake, 26, Landscape Architect
Overly confident about his future with JoJo. His answers are all very cocky, yet he lists humility as his best attribute. Suspicious.

James F, 34, Boxing Club Owner
In addition to throwing a mean left hook (just like me), James F seems like a totally reasonable and normal person! He won't last more than two episodes. His shirt isn't tight enough.

James S, 27, Bachelor Superfan
Not even clicking on the full bio based on his "profession."

James Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter
I've had a lot of tinto and I'm not absorbing anything from this guy's bio. His face is weird and he might be the Brady of this season. Saw the word daddy and x-ed out immediately. Noooope. Also he's named James Taylor.

Jonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep
Has a tattoo of his grandmother. Dislikes all vegetables. Swipe left.

Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback
NO. NOT AGAIN. This show and its former professional athletes. Ughhhhhghhhghgh. Please prove me wrong, Jordan. Please. I'm having flashbacks of Josh M.

Luke, 31, War Veteran
Remarkably unremarkable.

Nick B, 33, Electrical Engineer
He's got an automatic leg up with his last initial B. The three most recent winners of the show all had B last names too (Lauren B, Shawn B, Whitney B). Other than that Nick B seems pretty decent. Plus he plays rugby. Hoping for some Gratuitous Nakedness Points with this one. #DemThighsDoe

Nick S, 26, Software Salesman
Goodness gracious, another Nick who sells software? We've been here before; I recognize that tree. I just took a closer look at Nick S's picture and was alarmed by what appears to be a rolled up bandana necklace. Wild West meets tech nerd? Who let him keep that thing on for his photo? I appreciate that his bio answers made me giggle (dreams of running a tomato farm one day, dislikes "scary cheeses") but I don't know if I can get past his fashion choices.

Peter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager
Needs to hurry up and choose between clean shaven or full beard. The in-between stage is really not working for him. Ain't gon be meeting Peter at the perk if he looks like that.

Robby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer
Former Competitive Swimmer? Seriously, Robby? I ALSO AM A FORMER COMPETITIVE SWIMMER but you don't see me listing that on job applications or my Bumble profile. Might as well add all your other high school and middle school accolades while you're at it. Former Spanish Club President, Former Key Club Treasurer, Former Spelling Bee Champion...

Sal, 28, Operations Manager
I can't think about anything except that children's book called Blueberries for Sal. All I want to do now is go back to Nesbit, Mississippi and pick blueberries. Country roads, take me home...

Vinny, 28, Barber
Don't think Vinny will be a strong contender.

Wells, 31, Radio DJ
Not your typical face for radio. I'm okay with it. His ideal date is also my ideal date, so there's that. "Really good tacos, a great live band, a walk around the city, and wine and cheese on my front porch as Otis Redding plays on my turn table." *sWoOn* Okay, Wells, I'm impressed. If things don't work out between you and JoJo, I'll be seeing you in Nashville v soon.

Will, 26, Civil Engineer
Shave the soul patch, please. Then we can reevaluate.

FINALLY DONE. Man, that was exhausting. If you've made it this far, you're welcome for doing your research for you.

Okay! Now that that's out of the way, super excited for this season to get rolling. There's still time to get a pool together for the league and sign up online. Up there at the top there's a section called Register Your Pool. That's where you register your pool. If you aren't smart enough to figure out the form, you aren't smart enough to be in the league and that's that.

Let the drama begin.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Seven: What Came from Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas

Hello, Bachelor nation! Guest columnist Rob here blogging from the mean streets of Chicago. If you've never had the pleasure of watching an episode of The Bachelor with the league at The Nest, it's quite an experience. Wine is in abundance. Earplugs are necessary.

As the solitary straight man in attendance this past week, I feel it is my duty to give my take on this week's episode with an honest eye. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins in Warsaw, IN. Like most places in Indiana, the settlers of the town were lazy and just decided to name it after some other place in the world. Also, fun fact: I once puked in Warsaw, IN but that's a story for another post on another blog.

It's Meet-Ben's-Parents week (for one of the girls at least, more on that later) and we see Ben greet them in the local greasy spoon. They seem like wholesome, God-fearing Americans so all seems right with the world. Ben goes through a rundown of all the girls left and Ben's mom is like, "wait, what? one of them has two kids? I ain't ready to be an insta-gram."

The women check in to the nicest Air BnB within a fifty mile radius and for some reason tell us they love Warsaw, IN. This is perhaps the most confusing part of the episode.

Pawnee = Warsaw.

Ben greets the ladies and then asks out Lauren for a coveted one-on-one in front of everyone. This is taken as an affront to the rest of the women and tears are had.

I hear a wine bottle pop next to me and we are well underway here at The Nest.

BYOWine is how we roll.

Ben gives Lauren the world-renowned tour of Warsaw and they hit all the must-see stops. The old movie theater where he had his first kiss. His high school. And finally the Baker Youth Club.

Alright, let's cut the snark. This date was awesome. Lauren and Ben really hit it off and seemed to have a genuine connection. If I was a gambling man (wait, I am), I'd put all my money on Lauren winning. Also, how great is Ben with kids?! He sat down with a kid who was crying and comforted him. HE'S A SAINT. And Lauren was ~loving it~. I'm fairly confident she was ready to jump him right there and procreate on the spot.

Then some wizard of a child sinks a half court shot like he's Steph Curry and Ben has to kiss Lauren in front of all the children of the corn. Adorable.

Ronnie, all day err day.

Ben and Lauren then pretended to have dinner and chatted about how THAT BITCH (can I say that here?) tried to steamroll over their connection last week. Praise God everything seems back on track for them to have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

Back at the AirBnB, a letter arrives and Jojo is the lucky lady who snags a one-on-one. Seriously, Jojo. Go by anything but Jojo. You're not a backup dancer for Prince. I digress... It's off to Chicago we go! Hey, I live there!

Jojo and Ben straddle each other on Clark Street and then go to Wrigley Field for a dream date complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. I don't know about you but I would find that creepy. The audience at The Nest did not think so, commenting: 

"He looks good in a Cubs jersey...or anything."

"Or nothing."

But it gets better! After frolicking on the field and being master batters, Ben treats Jojo, who I reiterate is not a backup dancer for Prince, to faux dinner on the field. This elicited the following reaction from the crowd at home:

"Are you freaking kidding me?" (that's jealousy, for all you non-Chicagoans/Cubs fans)

Jojo explains to Ben that she's scared by how much she cares about him. Note to everyone ever: if someone says this to you, RUN.

Cut to Warsaw and the rest of the women are giving Lauren the resting bitch face because she's still glowing from her date with Ben. A card is delivered and ...wait for it... it's a group date! Caila, Amanda, and Becca are chosen which means that Emily, who's "pretty but just has a weird face," gets a one-on-one. Emily and her oxymoron of a face proceed to cry ugly tears of joy.

We then see Caila, Amanda, and Becca standing on a dock and Ben pulling up in a boat on a small lake that sometimes catches fire because it's in freaking Warsaw, IN. The four of them get into row boats two by two and proceed to spin in circles because the complexities of rowing a boat are beyond all of them. This is by far the worst group date ever and I swear, Caila and Amanda are automatons. I don't see why they're still here. Caila's time with Ben is always excruciating to watch and the fact that he *thinks* there's a connection there makes me think Caila's meandering and confusing non-answers to his questions have put a spell on him. Seriously. “I picture myself as moss, and I’ve always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with.” Good talk.

Becca, who is a smokeshow, lays it all on the line and tells Ben not to blindside her. This interaction in the middle of a fallow Indiana corn field brought forth the following line from the peanut gallery: 

"They're either gonna break up or have sex right now."

Probably not the latter, because, Becca.

Amanda inhales three balloons of helium and then pretends that she can show emotions through her Botox injected face. People, she's in her 20s. At this rate she'll look like Joan Rivers by 35.

Ben is then faced with the tough decision of giving one rose out. This is a biggie since it means the rest of the day will be a one-on-one and he will meet the girl's family next week. I have no idea why but he gives the rose to Amanda. Becca and Caila are devastated.

Since we've already spent ten minutes too many in Warsaw, IN and have run out of places to see, Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's for the rest of their date. This actually happened.

To make it abundantly clear that the bachelor has sold its soul to the Kroc family, Ben and Amanda share a French fry kiss in the style of Lady and the Tramp. Somewhere, Walt Disney weeps.

Next we have an uneventful one-on-one with Emily and Ben. Lolz jk it's a shitshow. Emily wears what I can only describe as stripper jeans and then proceeds to tell Ben's mom that she's "dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember" following that gem up with, "I feel like I'm average at everything in life."

This is so incomprehensibly stupid that there are no words in the English language sufficient to describe what has just happened. If Las Vegas was to take the form of a human being, it would be Emily.

Ben's mom then cries when she talks with Ben because Emily is so terrible. Everything that occurred on this date made me uncomfortable. One onlooker was quoted as saying, "She's like Taylor Swift smashed together with Sarah Palin." An apt comparison.

Ben and Emily leave and praise Chris Harrison that date is over. Ben then sits on the dock by their AirBnB and tells Emily she's the worst while the rest of the girls look on from the house. #ColdBlooded.

Finally we reach the rose ceremony and Ben looks DISTRAUGHT. It's looking like a photo finish for the last rose between Caila and Becca. We all know Lauren is gonna get one because she's #thebest and Amanda already has one because Ben meeting children makes for good TV. Jojo is just there so whatever.

Boom. Lauren B gets a rose.

Boom. Jojo gets a rose.

#DRAMATICMUSIC

BOOM. Caila gets a rose.

~and the crowd goes wild...with anger~

Becca walks away with Ben, which autocorrects to barn sometimes, and speaking for the rest of America asks, "Why did you do that?"

Ben, knowing he made a mistake, can't really come up with a coherent answer. As a straight man, I know why this occurred. WE ARE DUMB AND MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES. Unfortunately for Ben, his mistake cost him a smokeshow in front of millions of screaming fans at home across North America.

In summation, Ben is an idiot and shouldn't have chosen Caila. She's the worst and her name looks like the word Cialis. Lauren is an angel sent from heaven and will win. Jojo really needs to pick a different name to go by, and Amanda sounds like she's inhaled helium at all times. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.

Love and Roses,

Rob
Straight, Male, First Time League Participant

HUGE thank you to Rob for writing this week's post! If you thought it was funny, which you should because it was, follow him on Twitter for more hilarity (@_ob_yan). Teams and standings are up to date! Some teams who are already out still have a chance of making the podium, which would be a first in Roses to Riches history. Let's make history, people. Love you all.

At least Twimily went down swingin'.

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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Ben H Week Five: Rock Out With Your Caucus Out

*turns on TV*

*sees George Stephanopoulos talking about Iowa caucus instead of Chris Harrison telling me what's happening "tonight...on the Bachelor"*

*throws remote at TV in a blind rage*

George: "Thanks for tuning into the Iowa caucus. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming, which is world news for most people, but for some eejit peasants (that's you and me), it's The Bachelor."

Another note: We learned last night that our Roses to Riches blog is considered NSFW at ComEd. It's blocked and Rachel is not able to read at work! I am so sorry. But at the same time I feel so validated as a writer. Apparently making it big isn’t about getting published, it’s about getting censored.

Let's begin. VIVA LA MEXICO! So many crop tops. You can tell that the penny pinching during Chris and Kaitlyn's seasons paid off because ABC is finally on track budget-wise. We've had 3 or 4 airplane/helicopter rides, hot tubs in the desert, and we're traveling internationally in week 5. This is The Bachelor I know and love. Welcome back.

Emily (the twin who didn't get dumped in front of her mom): I'm so excited to really start The Process with Ben now that I don’t have Haley anything holding me back.

Amanda the MILF gets the first one-on-one. YESSSSS Ben pulls my favorite Bachelor move of all and goes into the girls' room at 4:30 am for a surprise wake up call, which is the worst kind of wake up call. I LOVE watching them freak out when Ben sees their faces for what they really are. He shines an obnoxiously bright light at them and it backfires when the reflection from Metal Mouth's, I mean Lauren H's, retainer blinds him forever.

Orthodontia for the right reasons

Side note: does the Bachelorette ever do this? I totally would but I can't recall one recently. If you've seen it happen pls alert me in the comments.

Someone definitely tipped Amanda off that her date was going to start super early, because while all the other girls were screaming and hiding their faces in their pillows, Amanda just sits up calmly, in full makeup, and says "oh good morning, Ben" like the Disney animal character she is. She for sure woke up like 2 hours before, stealthily got ready, and crawled back into bed in the nick of time.

While she's off hot air ballooning, we see Olivia (a known betch) Lauren H (a secret betch and possibly super racist) discussing Amanda's children. These girls are such amateurs. Referring to kids as baggage (which they do) is a one way ticket off the show. And if you express that feeling to anyone it will get back to Ben. GIRLS. FREAKING DUH. Ugh they are so dumb it hurts.

Meanwhile, Amanda says she can't stop smiling but her face is not really smiling.

After they go hot air ballooning they talk about her past. I wish she didn’t use Botox because otherwise I really like her. Doesn't she know she's beautiful the way she is? Someone show this girl a Dove commercial STAT. Also I’m 95% sure she is outfit repeating tonight and clearly does not give two shits about it. Major props. #capsulewardrobe

Ben bringing the kids back into this conversation about Amanda's ex is such a strong move and shows a lot about Ben's character. I think someone rang our doorbell at this point and ruined the moment because I don't have any more notes about that. But it was nice. She gets the rose.

The group date is Emily, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Jennifer, Olivia and one other one I can't remember. Help? Emily’s occupation is still twin.

Ben and the girls take a Spanish class to prep for their cooking challenge. They learn useful culinary phrases like "I want to kiss you" and "I love you." The r-rolling technique is perfected by just motor boating the air.

The cooking class begins and the chefs give them a dumbed down version of the importance of food in Mexican culture.

Chef 1: There's a saying that a woman is ready to get married once she knows how to cook.
Chef 2: BUT IT'S A VERY OLD STYLE WAY OF THINKING SO PLZ DON'T SUE US FOR SAYING THAT.

Ben: "I'm no longer the Bachelor...I'm the Spachelor!"
Chris Harrison: "Get out."

They divide into pairs for a cooking challenge. Olivia snatches up Ben immediately for her team, surprising no one.

Olivia: "Ben can you be on my team?"
Ben: "I can be on anyone's team. Literally anyone. Anyone?!?!"
Olivia: "I’m so obsessed with you. Today was the best day ever."
Ben: "It was aight."

Olivia is all four hippos at once.

Lauren B and Jubilee win the contest, but it means nothing because we know that on this show talent gets you nowhere.

Lucky for Lauren B she redeems herself in other ways, namely by looking amaze in her outfit. It must be so hard to be 90 lbs. Good for Lauren B for bringing her A game though, it's definitely working. Ben takes her to a special spot away from the group so they can snog.

Jubilee not so jubilant this week. Her insecurities really get the better of her during this episode and she completely self-destructs. First she rejects Ben's hand hold attempt. Burn. Then it gets awkward and Ben just ends up sending her home unceremoniously. I feel bad for Jubilee. I really liked her but she was not right for the show. Also, I did not appreciate her "I'm so unlovable" comment in her exit interview because that was Ben's biggest selling point so now Jubilee trying to claim it as her own weakness kind of invalidates her. Bummer dude.

Kendra Scott is getting so much free publicity this season.

Ben goes back to the girls to tell them about Jubilee and JoJo steals him mid sentence. What a power move. We learn surmise that Ben has been stealing second base by putting his jacket on the girls!

Sneaky, Ben.

Ben gives the date rose to Olivia, shocking everyone in our living room and sending the girls into a tizzy. Shit's about to go DOWN.

Lauren H gets the last one-on-one. Guess Ben doesn't mind the retainer. Probably because he had one too when he was in high school last year. Lauren H's accent is insufferable and makes it hard to take her seriously. Sam and I spend the entire date repeating her atrocious pronunciations.

Ben and Lauren H try on hideous designer clothes and then they get surprise-entered into Mexico City Fashion Week show, which only proves how low stakes Mexico City Fashion Week is. The biggest takeaway from the runway show is that Ben is, hands down, the sexiest winker in the history of winkers. I am not ashamed to admit that we rewatched it about seven times. However, I am ashamed to admit that the second biggest takeaway was learning that I took part in a winking contest on Saturday night. I have no memory of this contest. Apparently I'm not exactly the "wink and a smile" type. I'm more of the "wink and a smile and two finger points and a high five" type. So there's that.

Also Lauren H walks weird.
Rob: "There are bigger sins than the way she walks."
Me: "For example, the way she talks."

Rob's walk was a little wobbly too...

Lauren H gets the rose.

During the cocktail party, Olivia tells Amanda that her life is an episode of Teen Mom. Her backtracking explanation is, "I’m learning so much about myself." Olivia, get your fat cankles out of your mouth.

Emily falls on the sword and is the first of three girls to warn Ben about Olivia. All three earn those most noble of points.

Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Olivia.

Emily: "I hate Olivia and her tacky, poorly constructed prom dress. It’s okay to say that." Preach, gurl.

We're left with a cliff hanger and PTSD from last season. To distract ourselves we spent the next half hour on hold with Bachelor Live, hoping to ask Ben, "DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ASPIRING CATWALK WINKERS?" I really need help. Unfortunately we did not make it onto the show.

Will Ben take away Olivia's rose? Who will be sent home? We'll find out next week. Rose points for that ceremony will apply to this week's totals, and points will accrue normally thenceforth. Please note, at that point we will be down to a single digit roster of ladies, which means the roses will begin to increase in value by one point each week.

Check your scores and standings, talk smack with your teams. And if you feel compelled, share this on social media with your friends! We love having fans.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Four: Attack of the Awko Taco

I apologize if this post is a little disjointed. I'm still in hangover recovery from last week's commissioner reunion. If that sentence confuses you, read last week's post.

Welcome back to The Olivia Show. ABC's editors are having a field day with Olivia soundbites this episode. If I had to estimate airtime, I'd say about 60% of the show is dedicated to her. Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior, only gets like 5%, which is FAR TOO LITTLE. Need more Chris Harrison.

Miss you, boo.

"Ben is my piece" - Olivia.
"Please mean Slam Piece! Damn, she means calm 'peace.' What a waste." - Me.

Before we get too deep into the episode, let's pause for a message about one of ABC's sponsors. Manwich is the worst show sponsor I can imagine. Yea, the brand name has "man" in it, but serving Manwich sloppy joes is a sure-fire way to lose love instead of find it. Can we have a job placement agency or more Neil Lane instead? Manwich's commercial makes my eyes hurt from rolling so hard.

Back to our regularly scheduled recap:

The twins show off how homogenous they are. They live together, work together, speak together, and even coordinate outfits together. They put no effort into differentiating themselves, and methinks this will come back to haunt them.

JoJo gets the first one-on-one date of the week in Vegas. She gets a cocktail followed by a helicopter ride. Some intern forgot to secure the champagne so it falls and shatters when the helicopter lands. Rookie mistake. You're demoted to Are You the One. Ben asks about JoJo's last relationship and she's super vague about what happened. "Did he cheat on you?" "Well, I wasn't the only person involved...there were trust issues..." She then tells the producer how proud she is of opening up and that she deserves a cookie. The date ends in fireworks and JoJo gets a rose.

Cut to Olivia World, where homegirl is crazy confident for the first three minutes of the show, but after seeing Ben kiss JoJo she realizes that her life ISN'T one big Truman-show type sitch and she flips out.

Next we get a group date. It's the classic humiliate-yourself-in-front-of-a-crowd date that usually happens about this far into the season. The girls have to resurrect their old beauty pageant routines in a "talent" show.

"Crap, I have no talent!" We know. That's why you're on the Bachelor, hun.

Jubilee plays the cello, proving once again that she's the most accomplished and therefore out-of-place contestant. She reminds me of Sharleen in that she's too intelligent for this show.

The twins Irish dance without name tags. Again, no differentiation.
We also have a juggler, hula hooper, balloon animal creator, girl in a chicken suit, and a pogo stick-rider-person.

Olivia has some kind of secret "talent" she's concealing from the girls. SURPRISE! It's nakedness. She wears a showgirl outfit and performs dance moves my mother trademarked at the last family wedding. Her talent is giving other people third party embarrassment. About 10 minutes after the talent show she freaks the shit out and pulls the fake panic attack card to mask her humiliation. Unfortunately, no medical personnel make an appearance, so no points are awarded.

Sexy.

Later that night things get delightfully raunchy. Ben calls Caila a Sex Panther (see you in the fantasy suite, gurrrrl) and the kindergarten teacher gifts us a penis joke ("Little Ben is bigger than I expected...").

Meanwhile, Olivia spends all of her time fishing for compliments. He obliges for a little while. She gets interrupted and then we get another look at her mouth fixation. Later on she comes back to have an awkward attack. She vomits her self esteem spasm all over him and continues her terrible dance routine.

Jim Halpert for next Bachelor.

Out of all of this, Lauren B gets the rose.

Becca gets the next one-on-one.  Dress code is Wedding Casual. Is Becca’s wedding dress from Jessica McClintock? Regardless, she's rockin' some Jared Leto hair.

The best part of Becca dates is all the Virginity Points! These points are new this season, and they're awarded to any contestant who discusses virginity, whether it's their own or another person's. Jubilee and Becca both get Virginity Points tonight.

Instead of getting married and obnoxiously playing Going to the Chapel of Love by the Dixie Cups, Ben's ordained and they marry other people. It's pretty cute in a hijacking-other-people's-moments kind of way. Becca is even wearing a shade of white to really emphasize that people's life moments don't matter unless they're shown on television. Best part of the date is the super awko taco (yes, using it as much as possible) kiss from the two anonymous Asians.

Love is a farse, kids.

Later they go to the Neon Museum / junk yard.

"Can she love? Can she feel? Can she commit?" I've been saying for seasons that Becca is a robot, and Ben is now on the same wavelength.

Ben brings up the virgin elephant in the room and I love his direct style. He just straight up asks her if his sex-having past is an issue. He even uses the phrase "jump their bones." I'm in love. No really, he's making me swoon. Becca gets a rose and meanwhile I'm gassing up my car to go steal Ben away.

Back at the ranch suite, Chris Harrison walks in to a room full of unmade-up girls. The twins get a surprise two-on-one, which is the best kind of two-on-one. They wear the same color in case they need to pull an Olsen-style switcheroo.

Pause: Can you imagine if he picked one and did a hometown date with her eventually? Would he have to have that sit down with the other?

He sees their bedrooms and hangs out with their mom. Ben drops Haley and keeps Emily. If my last boyfriend had broken up with me in front of my mother, he'd be leaving the house in pieces, not a limo. Consider yourself spared, Ben.

Actual footage of the twins' mom.

On the special rose ceremony edition of the Olivia show, she steals time to continue fishing for compliments and rehashing her past embarrassment. He's sending all possible "please stop talking" signals. The editors cut to Olivia's talking head between every rose, which I'm really getting tired of.

Amber and unemployed girl go home. Amber partakes in the traditional Removal of the Heals. Maybe third time's the charm, Amber. See ya next season!

During the credits we get a glimpse into "The Cookie Game" with Caila. Apparently eating snacks without having to move your arms is a sport and I finally have a shot at being an olympic athlete.

Points are up. Check your teams. We have a few folks hanging on by a thread.

Send in your watch party photos and best quotes! We'd love to feature more of the league on weekly blog posts. We're also open for guest bloggers. Call us, beep us if you want to reach us, folks.

Love & Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

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Ben H Week Three: A Blog About Cankles

This week's blog post is brought to you by Bota Box wines, San Pellegrino, and Winn Dixie King Cake.

First of all, I am so happy to be co-blogging with my co-commissioner this week. I left the single digit temps behind and reunited with Julie for warmer, jazzier times in the Big Easy.

LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE! Just missing our boy Chris Harrison.

So elated.

Chris Harrison comes to the mansion right away to deliver the date card in person. "You ladies look very hungover anxious this morning."

Lauren B gets the first of two one-on-one dates this week. Of course the flight attendant gets picked for the prop plane date, but she is surprisingly afraid of it. (For the record, the prop plane ride does not count for First Helicopter points.)

During the plane ride they try to kiss over their microphones which looks really awkward. Just pay attention to the view! ABC spent a big chunk of their budget on this. ENJOY IT PLS AND MAKE OUT LATER. In a shocking twist they fly over Bachelor Mansion to taunt the other girls. Despite the fact that they're thousands of feet in the air, the girls on the ground know exactly what's happening (thank you, producers). They squeal like Julie while the plane flies overhead.

Ben and Lauren B keep kissing instead of watching out the window.

"I'm not super into situations I haven't been in before" is a softer/more stupid-sounding way of saying "I'm not adventurous and I hate trying new things." Welcome to the Bachelor, Lauren B. Have you seen the show before? List your biggest fear and the producers will make damn sure to incorporate it into your date.

The plane lands in the middle of nowhere but somehow there's a hot tub. Questions I have: Where is the water source? What about electricity? How did the hot tub get there?

Answers I have: Interns.

They have a meaningful conversation in the hot tub. Lauren B went up in that tiny plane and now all of a sudden she wants to get her pilot's license. Apparently she's the "always the flight attendant, never the pilot" type and now she's on the Bachelor discovering dreams she never knew she had. Aim high, Lauren B. Aim as high as the sky. Because it's flying. Get it?

Ben's hair line might be receding. He also has a surprisingly large amount of chest hair, which I didn't expect but also don't hate.

Back at the mansion, Caila is getting hysterical. She's JUST NOW realizing that Ben might fall in love with one of the other amazing women on the show instead of her. Again, welcome to the Bachelor. It's like she's never seen the show before either! What is this, amateur hour? By the way, I love these "meanwhile, back at the ranch" clips. We really get to see the girls unraveling slowly and steadily as opposed to all at once, for example, at the cocktail party. The Analysis Paralysis is strong with this group. And it's only Week 3! eeeeek!

In an interesting turn of events, Ben shares his own sob story with Lauren B. This is new for the Bachelor - we don't usually get to hear personal issues from the Bachelor/Bach-ette. The move works the way sob stories on this show are supposed to, and Lauren B declares her desire to meet Ben's family. Embarrassingly early, if you ask me. But she gets the rose.

The group date card arrives.
Rachel, on the Bachelor version of crossing your fingers: "I was squeezing my abs reeeally hard, hoping my name would be on the date card...and worrying I might have to be filmed in a bikini."

Group date at USC football field, The Coliseum. BOOOOOOO.

Ben: "We're here to play some soccer and here to help us today is Bachelor Nation's own former soccer legend JUAN PABLO!" JK I wish. He's blacklisted from Bachelor events. It's two members of the US women's team, Alex Morgan and what's her face.

All of these girls are unbelievably terrible at soccer. What are the odds of that? I really want to know. 15 presumably athletic women together in a group and not a single one has ever kicked a soccer ball? I'm sorry, did you all not have a childhood? I'm not saying they have to be amazing at it but it's honestly like watching a bunch of toddlers play. Only less funny because these are (almost) grown ass women. Get it together, girls, you're embarrassing the rest of us.

Bubble soccer is the only excuse for that kind of performance.

Also I can't get an exact count but at least six of them are wearing their hair down. Unforgivable. Immediate red card.

Chris Harrison comes out to the stir the pot, per usual. He's lookin' pretty fine in that jersey, I must say. Dayummmmmmmm. Can I be on his team?

He pits the girls against each other, and the losing team has to go back to the mansion to ice their sore muscles and bruised egos. #ouch.

Okay they're ready to play and thank goodness they all put their hair up but *~!whoopsie daisies!~* they all lose their shorts in the process. Apparently it's not Bachelor Soccer unless the girls are wearing the bare minimum amount of clothing.

Lace didn't know she couldn't pick up the ball as the goalie. Normally, one might blame the coach for that oversight in the rules explanation, but I don't know a single person who doesn't know that goalies can use their hands. It's one of the most basic, most intuitive rules of soccer. And life. GOD, LACE.

After a hard fought battle, the Stripes team wins. The Stars limp home in tears. Sorry boutcha.

Intermission!
Big news, y'all. Julie's friend knows Ben! They're going to be at the same wedding in a few weeks. Jury's still out on whether Ben will guest-blog for us. We'll keep you posted.

At the victory party, Olivia steals Ben first and then she yells off the balcony at the rest of the girls. Ben seems uncomfortable and he's all, "um, what's ur deal?" and Olivia's all, "I can't help it that I'm popular."

While Olivia is off galavanting with Ben, the rest of the girls take the opportunity to ruthlessly rip her appearance to shreds.

Thing 1: "Ugh have you guys noticed her fat toes?"
Thing 2: "OMG YES HAHA FAT TOES FAT TOES."
Okay for real though, that is literally my worst nightmare. I was cursed with terrible toes so I feel Olivia's pain here.
Thing 3: "Also her boobs are definitely fake, I'm pretty sure."
Thing 4: "Also have they kissed? Does Ben smell what I've smelled?"

Lord these girls are vicious.

Jami, in an attempt to be a good samaritan, tells Olivia what went down.

Olivia: "OMG WAS IT MY CANKLES AGAIN" (ps now all of America is going to be sneaking a peek at your cankles. self fulfilling prophecy)
Jami: "No it was your fat toes."
Olivia: "Welp."

Amber finally finds her Bachelor balls legs and steals some time and a kiss with Ben. She gets the rose.

Olivia: "But he pushed off on my leg when he stood so we're basically engaged." #secretsignals

Jubilee gets the last date card! She is jubilant about it.

Jami calls Jubilee an Awko Taco (which I am totally adding to my arsenal of insults), but Jubilee looks dynamite in that all-white ensemble so it doesn't even matter.

FIRST HELICOPTER RIDE OF THE SEASON! AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING by everyone with Jubilee on their team.

She gets a little sarcastic and standoffish ("does anyone want to go on my date?") which is clearly just a defense mechanism. But the other girls are peeved that she's disrespecting Ben and The Process.

"How dare you be anything but GRATEFUL to Ben and Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior who graciously chose you for the honor of this helicopter ride??!"

After a while she comes out of her shell.

Jubilee, on shuffleboard: "Hey, white boy, I don't play."
Ben, on dick size: "But I aint that white. I got...you know..."
AWWWW YEAH BEN.

Okay Jubilee I see you rocking that bikini. #bootygoals

Later, they have a pretty uncomfortable and emotional discussion about her adoption and life in Haiti. She gets the rose.

Lauren, on the first black girl appearing to do well in the competition: "I just don't see Ben with someone like Jubilee. Ben wants a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer moms!"

I don't have enough time, energy, or blog space to unpack that statement.

At the cocktail party, we learn that Ben had a family tragedy that week. He announces this to the group in a Hunger Games-esque manner to see who will be able to console him the best tonight. #OTPHJ

Olivia steals him first (classic Olivia) and wants to talk about her cankles (also classic Olivia). Some mean jerks have written blogs about her cankles and it's been really hard on her but she tries to stay strong.

Jubilee sets up a massage table and steals him away, committing the Cardinal Sin! Somehow it seems less sinful when she does it, but the girls lose their minds, as expected.

"Getting a massage is my favorite thing in the world." -Ben, to the next girl in line who didn't think to give him a massage. #subtweet

Let's talk about Amber. This is her third attempt on a Bachelor/Bachelor-affiliated show. But somehow she is STILL SO BAD AT THIS GAME. She is being such a drunk bully tonight. She tries to corner Jubilee and confront her about how annoying it is to keep losing on this show how Jubilee is an ungrateful snob. Jubilee rightfully gets defensive and upset but Amber continues to berate her IN FRONT OF BEN. What the F is happening here?! Ben defends Jubilee, but what he really needs to do is retract Amber's rose and send her some. What a b-nasty. I don't think she will stick around much longer.

I actually feel so bad for Ben. All he wanted from this cocktail party was for the women to console him in his time of need. Instead he had to deal with all these selfish betches and their trivial problems (cankles) and emotional baggage (crippling insecurity).

Ben is finally able to sit down for a second. He takes a deep breath to relax and is interrupted by surprise Lace, which is both the worst kind and the most frequent kind of Lace. She pulls him aside and eliminates herself with one last tearful monologue, in which she quotes advice from a tattoo. From her own body. In that moment Lace erodes what little credibility she has left.

"It's just like my tattoo says, 'You can't love someone else until you truly love yourself.'"

Bye, Lace. See you in Paradise.

Ben eliminates Jami and Shushanna, surprising no one. He gives Olivia The Final Rose - saving best for last, according to Olivia. Still a little bit of fat to trim from this group, but we are getting close!

Signing off now from New Orleans, but not without one last peanut gallery contribution (Julie and I are the peanut gallery tonight).

"I just want to go on a date with Chris Harrison. Can someone just make that happen please?"
"Yeah, if only you could go on Make a Wish without, like, having to die."

I'm going to hell. Meet you there?

Shoutout to boxed wine.

Check your rosters and standings to see how your pool is faring. As far as eliminations go, this week ruined the few perfect teams that were left. One team is, hilariously, already out (Team Hanna from Hoes in Different Area Codes). Better luck next season, Hanna! You'll receive your cheap wine shortly.

Jubilee REALLY kicked some Bach butt this week

We enjoy positive reinforcement. Let us know how much you adore us in the comments. Trash talking is also highly encouraged.

Can't wait for the rest of the season to unfold! It looks like it's going to be a...

ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Co-Commissioners

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Ben H Week Two: Hey We All Just Met You, And Lace Is Crazy

Hello my little popsicles. Elizabeth here this week. I'm still reeling from the success of Draft Night, but super jazzed to be back on the blog. Let's jump right in, shall we? I'm not one for small talk.

Except for one thing. Check out this impressiveness from long time league member, Rob S. Our first (and sometimes favorite) male participant!

You go, Glen Coco.

Lace is off and running, already talking about getting a rose and a ring? You barely got a rose in Week 1, honey. Don't count your diamonds before the Neil Lane egg hatches. Slow your roll. 

Now onto the first date of the season! It's a group date at Bachelor High where they compete to be Homecoming Queen. The girls are all reminiscing about their own homecoming experiences. They're all, "OMG I remember high school back in the day   right before I came on the show   still working on my GED off camera."

These pipsqueaks are way too young to be reminiscing.

Principal Harrison makes some announcements over the PA system. He’s my favorite princi-PAL. 

The girls pair off to make Ben's love volcano erupt. Please hire the intern who came up with that one. She can stay.

They proceed to make out with each other/bob for apples. Jackie wishes she had a bigger mouth for...apple bobbing.

The final test is to place the state of Indiana on a map. They fail miserably, making us all look bad. Even Amber, WHO IS FROM CHICAGO, can't get it right. Becca takes the cake though and basically turns it into Pennsylvania, upgrading Indiana from Worst State in America to Fourth Worst State in America (sorry, Julie's mom.)

Mandi and Amber are the final pair standing, and face off in a hurdles race for the prize. Mandi schools Amber (and btw is actually legit AF), winning one-on-one time with Ben aka one lap around the track in a car. It was so boring they didn't show us any of it.

At the wrap party, Morals and Values (Jennifer + her boobs) gets the First Real Kiss (+10)! The producers played that one up with the delayed music there at the end of the kiss. I'm feeling some real deal chemistry between them.

Back at the mansion...oh hey Olivia without makeup is a little insane and OH MY GOD OLIVIA’S MOUTH IS OUTRAGEOUS. OH. OH. WHAT. LOOK.

I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see? 

Ben, back on the group date: "I love being able to date with no distractions except for the distraction of dating 20 women at once."

JoJo frets about not having a lot of time with Ben, but then he takes her up on the helipad! You know who didn't get to go up on the helipad? Lace. Ben and JoJo have a super magical-looking kiss with his big manly hands on her neck ugh I hate my life. JoJo gets a rose! Snaps for JoJo. 

Next up is the one-on-one date with Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Caila.

We learn that before the show started, Ben was afraid everyone would walk away once they met him. That’s literally what would happen if I were the Bachelorette. All the dudes would ghost. Chris Harrison would break the news to me by saying “Elizabeth, the men have left. They did not take a moment to say their goodbyes. You can write about these 25 men in your book called Quit Dating Dweebs, but maybe just one chapter for the lot of them. Now take a moment and say your goodbyes. But it's just me here. Because everyone ghosted."

Srsly, ghosting is not okay.

Caila earns some hot tub points! Plus a bonus of naked Kevin Hart. During dinner we find out that Caila has some depth to her, which makes up for their dinner table which has no depth. Seriously, they're sitting next to an actual 4-top with ample room for two plates and six wine glasses. Y'all can't make this any more believable? Come on. Then they get a private concert from Amos Lee. You can tell that Ben really is loving it because he's singing all the words to Caila. Presh. Caila gets a rose. Snaps for Caila.

Another group date, and all the girls recite the science-y spiel from the Love Lab. No one paid attention. They put everyone under a heat lamp with Ben to test their compatibility. Real scientific. 

Twins: "I dont know much about science anything."

The less hot twin actually says, “I’m not very...smart.” #shocker

Then the "scientists" make them work out WITHOUT PONYTAIL HOLDERS which completely voids this entire experiment. One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls work out with their hair down. It's infuriating and it makes me question their judgment in all areas of life. After they sweat for a bit Ben smells them to test out their pheromones. Samantha apparently smells sour :( In her defense, Ben probably meant something along the lines of "tart" but made an unfortunate word choice there. Samantha is a self-fulfilling prophecy and gets pretty sour about it. #SourPussSamantha #ew #notsorry 

Question: Did the twins get the same score? 

We learn that Shushanna came to the US from Russia with two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka.

Olivia: "If Ben is a believer in science then maybe we should take this test seriously."

Other girls: "BEN BELIEVES IN JESUS, OLIVIA. NOT SCIENCE. THOSE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. OBVIOUSLY."

Amanda the MILF reveals her surprise children. *points!* (To clarify for all you doubters, the children were revealed to Ben after the first night, and therefore were a surprise to Ben. This is a very important life detail that she concealed for at least 24 hours. +8)

But mah girl Olivia gets the rose! Cue evil mastermind music. Because later, at the cocktail party, as if she hadn't already proven herself worthy of all the points, Olivia commits The Cardinal Sin: stealing Ben for one on one time, having already received a rose for the week.

*~!gAsP!~*

Everyone gets their panties in a wad about it. HOW DARE SHE. 

Olivia, casually: "I got my time, I’m done, so everyone can have at him! Good luck, bitches."

Girls, offended: "Um, Olivia, he's not a piece of meat."

Olivia is watching Lace with an "oh honey" face while Lace talks nonsense at her. Lace reminds me of Shoshanna from Girls. Anyone?

Lace talks to Ben AGAIN and opens the convo by calling herself crazy, just giving Ben more positive reinforcement for that fact.

Ladies, get your mouths under control. <-- I forgot what made me write this note and underline it but apparently they're all doing weird things with their mouths. #luckyben

Okay Ben and the MILF make barrettes for her kids Kensley and Jarlee Yardling ohhh Charlie. Ben 100% doesn’t know what barrettes are but DAMN IT THIS IS ADORABLE. Good on ya, interns.

The rose ceremony happens (YAY) and Ben makes some predictable choices. The producers give a rose to Lace. LB is offered a rose but declines and eliminates herself (+5)! A notable first in Bachelor History. I would stipulate that they have minimal/no chemistry because she started going by a nickname from the very beginning. Immediate nickname = immediate Friend Zone. Everyone knows that. If you didn't, you're welcome. I'm so conflicted because I'm earning self-removal points but she was on my team and I had high hopes for her! Bye, LB :(

Ben eliminates Jackie (who?), Mandi the dentist, and Sour Puss Samantha.

The point breakdown per contestant:

You may want to double-check our math. We spilled Pinot on the calculator.

Check your points and your updated rosters. Smack talk your league mates. Follow us on Twitter and get in touch if you're interested in being a guest blogger!

NEXT WEEK JULIE AND I WILL BE CO-BLOGGING! TOGETHER! FROM NEW ORLEANS. I am aware of the redundancies in that sentence but my excitement precludes grammatical correctness.

It feels so good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
Co-commissioner

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