Chris Week Seven (and eight): Hey, Mom, Don't Google My Wife

I know this is a day late. I'M SO SORRY. Four entire hours of material to recap is a LOT and I have this thing called a job that makes blogging a little difficult sometimes.

We open the evening's marathon in the wake of the beautiful disaster that was the two on one date last week. The girls want to know where Chris' head is at after that train wreck. They're all proud of him. Megan suddenly decides that she's donezo. Just like that, she leaves! Unceremonious elimination! Didn't see that coming. Just kidding, I totally saw that coming.

Then, Bachelor Chris and Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior pull a classic switcheroo on the girls. The ole "ladies, we WILL have a rose ceremony tonight." "JK I LOVE YOU ALL! YOU ALL GET A ROSE!"

You get a rose! And YOU get a rose!

The group leaves the Badlands and heads to the big, glamorous city of Des Moines. They walk in to see their fancy new digs and the only thing they can come up with is "OMG it's so big!" That's what she said. 

Jade gets the first one on one. Not loving her so much. She has such a flat vanilla pancake personality and has not really said anything of substance yet. Chris shows Jade around Arlington which is the smallest town in the entire world. They go to a football game and meet Chris' parents...? Chris is gonna regret that one I think. He thinks she's this perfect, small town girl next door with a "good head on her shoulders." WRONG WRONG WRONG can't wait for this to go down in flames.

At the football the crowd starts to cheer "kiss Chris" and Jade is all "omg! This is so spontaneous and wonderful! How did we even get to the center of this football field on display for the entire town?"

Meh.

Side note, Carly's commentary through out this whole episode is gold. The Midas touch of the night.

Whitney gets the next one on one. They go to a lame photography museum which is probably the pinnacle of culture in Des Moines. The interns hand them a camera and they get to take their own premature engagement pictures. Her voice is literally one of the most irritating sounds ever created by a human being.

pls stahhhhhhhp

They meet Chris' best friends. Whitney thought they were stalkers fans at first which was funny. Then they go back outside to see that one of their photos has been painted on the wall as a giant mural! If Whitney loses, will the mural be painted over?

In the hotel Jade tells the girls about her date and Britt cries. Carly makes fun of her. Carly then proposes a road trip to Arlington! Let's go see our future! It's like preparing for your own execution.

They make it to Arlington and get from one end to the other in under two minutes. No restaurants, bars, open businesses. Britt to girls: no fuckin way. Britt to Chris: I loved it! *~The sUnSeTs!~*

Group date is Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn. Carly rips Britt a new one for crying again about how bad she's going to be at ice skating.

Staged side convo where Jade reveals her nude modeling career to Carly. We pause to investigate. There was googling. There was screaming. There was a lot of judging Rob. Pretty much in that order. Shock and awe, minus the awe. 

Back to the group date. Britt is so full of shit! Apparently all she wants is to be a mom. I don't really see that. Whitney, totally. Whitney is already pregnant in her mind. Luckily Carly warns Chris about how shady Britt is. Kaitlyn gets the rose and shit goes down. The score is incredible. The drums! Britt is cracking her knuckles. She absolutely loses it in front of Chris.

"It was so much better of an explosion than I could've ever possibly expected."

Becca goes on a one on one. They have the most real conversation. Congrats Becca on having a realistic perspective on love/The Process.

Before the rose ceremony Britt packs her stuff! She's so manipulative omg she just wants Chris to beg her to stay. Go home, Britt.

Surprise! No cocktail party. Britt interrupts the rose ceremony. The girls are losing their shit. Carly's about to vom.

Chris: "I'm not saying you're lying about loving Arlington, I'm just saying other people said you're lying."

HOLY SHIT BRITT GOES HOME. UNCEREMONIOUS ELIMINATION AND SO MUCH DRY CRYING.

Bet she wishes she took off her makeup now.

Carly: "Heh, now you know what it's like to be a normal person!"

Whitney: "Britt isn't getting a hometown. This is so huge I have to shut one eye about it."

Hometowns. These are surprisingly dull if I recall correctly.

Becca goes first. Becca's family dances around the fact that she's a virgin. Chris won't be surprised by this next week but hopefully it's not a deal breaker because we like Becca.

Whitney's next. They go to the fertility clinic. "I'm pretty confident my soldiers are marching." Whitney says I love you. There's so much cart in front of this horse right now.

Kaitlyn's date starts in a dirty alley so who know's what's gonna happen. They rap. Chris is the worst rapper of all time. Kaitlyn's family has a cool dinner table with a fire in the middle.

Jade goes last. Ohhhhhh Jade. Her brothers call her a wild mustang. After family time Jade confesses her past to Chris and shows him the pictures AND THE VIDEO. Wrong move. Chris ends up sending Jade home. It's not because of the Playboy thing, but it's totally because of the Playboy thing.

Except the computer in the trash is Jade...in the limo.

So many points this week! Check the standings here. Can't wait until Fantasy Suites next week! It's gonna be so sexy.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners