Rachel Finale: I Cried My Eyelashes Off

Congratulations! We've made it to Week 10 of the ~*mOsT ~ dRaMaTic*~ season ever! It's been a wild and often annoying ride, but at least we now know who won some spare cash and bragging rights.

Because ABC no longer recognizes consistency as a positive quality, they've decided to change up the ATFR format. Is nothing sacred anymore? We're stuck listening to the mind-numbing interviews of Rachel and her exes mid-show as opposed to after. Thus, ABC is forcing us into three hours of television on a school work night.

...just in case my super salty attitude wasn't clear already.

The ep begins where last week left off; Rachel has been to the Fantasy Suite with Eric and is about to go for round two with Peter. However, in a fun show role reversal, Peter is questioning his relationship with Rachel. Turns out, he's a rational human being who feels uncomfortable giving expensive jewelry and commitments to someone he just met and probably has never seen without makeup. It's oddly reminiscent of Brooks from Desiree's season. Peter is so similar to Brooks in fact that league veteran Competitive Clare is swooning uncontrollably again.

"Can we just like date for a while."
"You signed up for this show to give me a ring. That's literally the whole point."
"I'm not proposing until I'm 100% sure you don't have student loan debt I'd be responsible for."

I'd demand a credit check and STD test prior to any Neil Lane visits. 

Rachel cries and basically begs him to propose to her. He's oddly turned on by her crying. Unrelated: isn't that one of the characteristics of a sociopath? Meanwhile, I'm oddly turned on by her voluminous and fabulous fake eyelashes.

The #drama is somewhat short lived, because they make up enough to bone stay in the Fantasy Suite.

Bryan's date is next and his Miami is really showing. They ride horses in a vineyard, which I guess is romantic and whatever. Is it just me, or is any activity that involves the stench of animal waste really unsexy? Anyway, either from the animal smell, or last night's romp with Peter, Rachel is a bit cranky. Not like noticeably cranky, but like would say "it's fine" if her bf said he was ditching date night for a football game. Bryan picks up on the delicate mood and adjusts his behavior accordingly. TAKE NOTES, ALL MY FUTURE BOYFRIENDS.

^Rachel's current mood^

The Fantasy Suite gets its third night of action, and we move on to the Week Nine rose ceremony. In a bold, possibly reckless move, Eric chooses to forgo a dress shirt and tie to just wear an undershirt beneath his suit jacket. Did he leave his only dress shirt in the Fantasy Suite and couldn't retrieve it because she was in there with one of her other boyfriends all week? This is now my focus for the next 10 minutes, until...

...ERIC GETS THE BOOT. I hope it wasn't his lack of dress shirt that did him in, but honestly I would understand. His exit interview, however, is the opposite of sloppy. He has the classiest, most heartbreaking limo interview we've seen in a while.

"I'm just going to miss her. I'm going to miss all that is her. I'm just so thankful to have experienced life with a person so beautiful as Rachel" < no, not a passage from a Nicholas Sparks book. Legit quote from Eric. In my imagination, all men say this when I break up with them.

During the ATFR interview, which we should probably now call the "Before, During, and/or After the Final Rose" Special Eric again shows us his maturity and I swoon. He spits some more of those Nora Roberts-esque lines. (Hey, Eric, call me maybe?)

"My heart was broken because I didn't have love, but [Rachel] filled my heart. I was a boy, but now I'm a man" THEN HE CALLED HER YOUNG LADY AND I DIED OF A SWOLLEN BROKEN HEART.

and I want an Eric.

Last dates week! The proposal(s) is in a matter of days, and Peter still needs a lot of convincing.

During his last sales pitch, Bryan gives her a homemade Spanish-English dictionary with a cheat sheet of cutesy, romantic words for Rachel. It's super presh and makes me almost like the guy for a second. Then I remember he's a chiropractor and go back to the salt.

"You should pick me because my mom might murder you otherwise."

Bryan is off to meet Neil Lane.

Instead of a last ditch sales pitch, Picky Proposer Peter tells her he's not about that engagement ring life...at least not until he knows her middle name. Maybe he has an elaborate flash mob proposal dream that he's worried will never happen? In any case, Rachel is crushed. He tries his best to explain and get her to come around, but neither is willing to compromise. Peter finally offers to just propose because she wants him to, which is not a reason any man should ever propose.

"I want you to WANT to propose"
"Yea, but I don't. Can we just pretend I do?"
"Commit the rest of your life and half your assets to me, and you won't be embarrassed on a Spanish mountainside tomorrow."
"No thanks. Check please."

We had high hopes for you, Peter. 

Rachel cries so much her amazing eyelashes disappear mid-scene.

I don't know what this gif is from, but its my new favorite.

Sooooo that's it. Peter pulls an unceremonious self-elimination, and Bryan wins by default. We don't even see the Bryan proposal until what feels like hours later, after the ex-couple's counseling session with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. Talk about an anticlimactic ending!! Do you know how much I look forward to seeing the loser's shoes come out of the proposal limo each year? You know, when the sun is nowhere near setting, but they're still oblivious that they've lost? I cherish that bi-annual schadenfreude and ABC stole it from me.

^Me

Eventually Bryan proposes on what looks like the windiest mountain in Europe. Rachel is giddy that she got her ring, but let's just say I don't have high hopes for their future.

As much as I've loved Rachel and her cocktail dresses this season, tonight really made me see her in a different light. I don't know if it was the editing or just the stress of the situation, but she really did seem like she wanted the fancy ring and the wedding more than the actual husband. Plus, she was condescending to Peter in their live interview. I felt bad for the guy, but he came out of this smelling pretty rose-like, so I'm sure his handsome salt and pepper hair will find a good home with some other nice lady. Maybe me? A girl can dream.

Keep on being you, Peter

That's all, folks! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Check your final season points and settle up money/wine/smack talk. Best of luck on that post-finale hangover!

We've had a blast being your commissioners once again. If you're new to the league, or just have a lot of feelings, let us know how awesome we are. Next week starts Bach in Paradise, which we will not be blogging, but probably will be hate-watching, so feel free to send your feelings then too.

Lastly, Big shout out to Corinne and Audrey for proof reading and helping out this season! May the blessings of Chris Harrison rain down upon you.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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Rachel Week Two: White Dudes Buggin'

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Hope you celebrated in your best USA tank top. Apparently Chris Harrison doesn't believe in days off, because there was, in fact, an episode last night. Though to be fair, I guess every day is a day off when you spend it drinking mimosas in a bathrobe in your luxury trailer. But I digress.

We're coming off Night One and all the dudes are feeling good. Rachel is the #totalpackage and they're just amped to get this thing started. They gather for a pep talk from Chris Harrison before the date card is read.

^All of the guys in prep for today^

Our Lord and Savior: "I hope you are all here FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. HOPEFULLY we'll see all you suckers at the next Rose Ceremony. FORESHADOWING!"

The first group date is a cookout with some good ol' backyard games, refereed by none other than Bachelor Superfans Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. They've designed an admittedly awesome Husband Material obstacle course for the guys to complete: diaper changing, Baby Bjorn assembly, vacuuming, drain unclogging, table setting, flower delivery.

Iggy: "I poop every day. I got this."
Thanks for letting us know you have regular bowel movements, Iggy.

Lucas wins with a questionable stiff-arm against Kenny. His prize is nothing. Our prize is watching the rest of the guys continue to cradle their baby dolls on the sideline. Every person except Lucas is pissed that Lucas wins. He does the Whaboom for the Kutchers and makes them v uncomfy. How long do we have to endure this? Please, Chris Harrison, no more.

Baby dolls were most certainly harmed in the making of this ep.

Ashton: "All of these guys are morons. Next?"

At the wrap party, Blake E and Lucas get in a bitch fight about whether Lucas is there for the *~right reasons~*. Clearly Blake E has never seen this show before, because he immediately warns Rachel about Lucas (5 pts). Everyone knows that the correct strategy is to use Lucas' insanity to promote your own sanity. What is this, amateur hour? Guess Blake E the Amateur Aspiring Drummer is forever "aspiring."

Rachel: "All of these conversations are mundane. Next?"

Rachel is one of us.

Kenny escapes to wax exasperation about these "white dudes acting crazy." Thank you, Kenny, for saying what we're all thinking. But also, welcome to The Bachelorette?

Dean gets the rose. I can't wait for him to reveal that he believes marriage is an institutionalized sham. Dean's narrow, sloping shoulders give me the creeps.  

Peter gets the one-on-one and it's actually a two-on-one with Rachel's pup, Copper! They all three fall in love on this magical date at Barkfest. Pretty much the competition is now Peter's to lose. We're all obsessed: he's got that humble, gap toothed charm, a speck of Stage One salt&pepper hair, and a voice like John Smith. And of course can't forget his aptitude for (dog) fatherhood. I meeeeaannnnnn...

I, ever the pessimist, am having PTSD flashbacks to Desiree's season. I'm a liiiiiitle afraid that Peter might turn into another Brooks situation. Maybs not, but it's basically game over for Rachel at this point. Did you see her geeking out when the fireworks started?? He gets the rose OBVI.

The next group date is a basketball date. All the black guys are ecstatic. The white guys are quakin' in their pristine Air Jordans.

In the excitement of getting ready for their date, the guys lose all control of the English language. Side bar: Botching a Common English Idiom is my absolute favorite new point category.

DeMario: "You can sink with the fishes or swim to shore." A new version of the phrase "sink or swim," perhaps?

Josiah: "In the jungle, it's kill or be eaten. And I'm not gonna be anyone's meal."

Josiah: "She had on some legging tights that just fit her body like a Coca Cola bottle."

They arrive at the date, and are surprised by Kareem Abdul Jabbar! Pretty cool actually. What a star studded ep!

They play bball. Pretty standard procedure. Funny to see how bad Josiah is. DeMario dunks all over everyone. Classic.

After the game, Rachel is greeting all her adoring fans, and she is approached by a girl claiming to be DeMario's CURRENT girlfriend. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN!!!!!

^Footage from our watch party^

That's what I'm talking about. YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS KIND OF DRAMA IS WHY WE WATCH THIS DUMB SHOW.

Rachel brings out DeMario to find out what the heck is going on. His reaction is price.less. He can't explain his side of the story coherently, so he gets the boot. Ladies, take note, because Rachel handled this perfectly.

Any time a man's explanation of alleged cheating begins with, "who is this person?" and gets walked back to, "we had sexual intercourse," then that conversation MUST end with, "I'm gonna need you to get the f*** out."

Don't try to pull this shit with an attorney.

The rest of the date gives the guys an opportunity to shine in the wake of DeMario. They do a good job. Josiah gets the rose.

We're left with cliffhanger at the end of the ep (careful, ABC) with DeMario crashing the cocktail party and begging Chris Harrison for some more screen time. If DeMario does, in fact, make contact with Rachel next week, he'll earn the coveted 15 points for Coming Back After Being Eliminated. He must have a conversation with Rachel to earn these points. Here's hoping DeMario turns out to be the cash cow I always knew he could be.

Check your standings, some teams are starting to break away with a strong lead! It's good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Rachel Week One: Whaboom Goes the Dynamite

Welcome back, baches! You miss us? (correct answer is yes, otherwise we'll dock points)

To be totally honest, this break was too short. After Nick's season, I was pretty frustrated with ABC and ready to throw in the towel on the whole dedicating-over-thirty-hours-of-my-life-per-season thing. Thankfully, the second the show started, my head got back in the game, and I can confidently say I'm pumped for Rachel. All it took was the melodic tones of Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior, and a few too many fake courtroom scenes and my passion is back. I truly think Rachel will be a nice breath of fresh air to the starting-to-stale series. Not only are her 31 men racially diverse, but most seem to actually have actual personalities, which is quite the shift from past seasons (lookin' at you, JoJo...).

My progression of emotion during the first 5 minutes of the show.

Roses to Riches is still running coast-to-coast, and once again has close to 100 participants, including some people we didn't even have to bully into playing! We've hit the big time.

Exciting addition to this season: my mom drafted a team in the league and is now in full competition mode. She didn't come here to make friends and is SUPER judgy of people who chose to be on TV. She strategized and is determined to win. It's like that time she insisted on beating me in that "fun" 5k we ran together by pushing me back and sprinting away while shouting, "SEE YA!" This season could start some family feuds.

She's going to yell at me for including that.

Did anyone else notice that Chris Harrison's hair is just a smidge too dark? The hair stylist got a little too aggressive with the dye job. Embrace the salt and pepper, bruh. You're like a fine wine getting better and more lovable with age...not that I would know about fine wine. I'm drinking Barefoot.

As for the show, a lot goes on night one, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

Introduction highlights:

• So many cheesy puns - I'm loving it and Rachel is obvs loving it. 
• Bryan speaking sultry Spanish - yes please.
• Josiah's opening video package was a straight punch in the gut - he has the most heart wrenching story and I think I speak for America when I say we all want him to succeed. 
• Penguin suit man whose name I didn't even register - at least he knows it's a penguin and not a dolphin.
• Aspiring drummer showed up with a marching band, which not gonna lie, is one of my nerdiest fantasies. Take note, boys: it takes all 76 trombones to get my attention.
• Tickle Monster practiced what he preached and led with a tickle. If I were Rachel, I'd shout "NEXT!" and argue with any producer that tried to say "wrong show."
• Blake K doesn't have to say anything, because that bone structure made my knees week.
• Fred went to elementary school with Rachel and apparently was a bit of a bad kid! He's v attractive now, and let's hope he's got his act together.
• "See you later, litigator" is my new favorite lawyer joke.
• Adam decides to go the creepy route and bring a scary looking doll. More on that later.
• Lucas, aka Whaboom, is the absolute worst. He's like that little kid who got a laugh one time and has been repeating the same insufferable joke for 30 years since. Not funny then, not funny now, will never be funny.

Overall the guys gush about how smart Rachel is, which I'm unfortunately impressed with. I say unfortunately, because this shouldn't be something I'm surprised about. They all want to take her home to their moms, which is the highest compliment, as long as your mom is not like Regina George's.

Keep complimenting her intelligence, boys.

Best suits:

• Peter is looking FINE in that blue plaid jacket.
• Josiah's grey with black velvet wide lapels makes me drool.
• Bryce is rockin' his firefighter fomals, and who can complain about that?
• Diggy is able to make a million different patterns work together...I think it's the glasses that tie it all in.

Worst suits:

• Bryan, you're hot, but get those skinny lapels outta here.
• Dean's floral skinny tie mess
• Eric gets props for being different with a tan suit, but it's just not doing it for me.
• Jedidiah thinks he can get away without a jacket....ummm no.
• Lucas, because obvi. He's worst at everything.

As the night really begins, Josiah grabs her first for one-on-one time. It's a good move, but for the REST of the night he's puffing his chest and trying to assert his dominance over the other guys. He keeps insisting HE will be getting the first impression rose. Seriously, he says it like 10 times. Bruh, you're cute, but that ego is going to need to be checked if you plan on moving forward.

Rob somehow has Bachelor trading cards...? Where do I buy those? SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Adam & his doll, Adam Jr, might take the cake for most bizarre gimmick of the night. It's hella creepy looking and the producers decide to run with it. Adam Jr is apparently French and will probably eat your soul. Rachel asks big Adam, "Is he always going to be around?" in a tone that more suggests "Are you clinically insane? Please dear God get rid of that thing." Demented looking dolls is a deal breaker in my book.

THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.

First true power move of the night is by Bryan, who swoops in for the First Real Kiss (+10pts!) The kiss was a little too I'm-going-to-eat-your-face for me, but Rachel is apparently into it. I'm not too surprised though, because his ABC bio said he's watched the show a lot before, so homeboy knows how to play the game.

Mohit fills the drunkard quota for the night. Probably had too many mojitos......GET IT? Sorry. I'll stop.

Milton, along with an unfortunate name, has an unfortunate affinity with purring. Yes, you read that right - he purrs MULTIPLE times throughout the night.
"At first it was funny, but then he kept doing it. Apparently purring is his *thing*." - Rachel. Milton will soon be purring his way outta the mansion.

Make that never.

Blake E, Mr. Aspiring Drummer, is already starting shit. Look, I get it--Lucas is indeed THE WORST, but night one is not the time to start arguments. Having a feud with Whaboom is only going to make the producers want to keep him longer, a la Corinne and Taylor. As my kindergarten teacher would say: ignore him and he'll get a plane ticket home.

First Impression Rose goes to...wait for it...face-sucking Bryan! (+10 MORE pts!) He's killin' it night one. Personally, I hope he can sustain this kind of momentum all season.

Some other stuff probably happened, then finally Chris Harrison awakens from his nap to announce the ceremony. Love ya, CH. Production isn't even trying to hide the fact that the sun is coming up and the "cocktail party" literally lasted all night. Would it kill them to start this "journey" an hour or two earlier, for the sake of sleep?

First rose of the night: Fab Plaid Suit Peter. The two of them would indeed have adorable gap-toothed babies together.

Final rose of the night: Lucas, despite all my yelling at the TV.

Somehow Tickle Monster snuck in there too. So much eye rolling.

Poor Milton sheds a few goodbye tears, but not for the reason you may think, aka Rachel. He's more upset about all the outfits he brought and won't be able to flaunt. Pour some out for Milton's fly wardrobe.

Sorry boutcha.

My favorite part of the entire evening is the season preview because HOT DAMN is this season going to be hilarious dramatic. I think it has to do with all the men being slightly older, but for some reason their tears seems more genuine than the 23 year old spoiled brats we've had the past few seasons. Seeing a 37 year old man cry for not getting his way just makes me light up with joy.

Double-check your point totals based on the below. If you have any questions about why points are how they are, shoot an email or text to your favorite commissioner.

Thank Chris Harrison the show is on an hour earlier next week. Your two commissioners will be hosting an awesome watch party together in Nashville next week, so if you're in town, stop on by. If you're not in town, expect a few face swap Snapchats.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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Nick V Week Ten: 4th Time's the Limit

Is it just me or has this season been dragging on For. Ev. Er.? Honestly. Let's get this show on the road.

Oh my gawd, this shit is THREE HOURS tonight? Need to ration my Final Rose wine accordingly.

Nick's dad: "Going through this process with Nick was excruciating."

Forget you, Lena Dunham. Mr. Viall is the voice of our generation.

It's 7:12pm and Raven's family date is already over. How on earth are they going to fill the next two hours and 48 minutes? My eyeball muscles are already sore from the workout they're about to get doing so many squats eye rolls. Gonna be so toned, though. Bring on bikini season.

Or just watch this show.

The family sits around and talks about all of Nick's failed relationships. I hope my family doesn't do that when I'm not around.

Nick's...brother?: "These women can still say no to him and, given Nick's track record, it's pretty likely that they will."

Good to know your fam has your back, Nick.

How your family SHOULD act after a breakup.

How Nick's family acts after his breakups.

During Vanessa's family date, she tells Nick's family about how she puked on their date and that's when she knew Nick was the one. As someone who has vommed on a date (IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY OKAY), I can vouch for that feeling. Nothing brings two people together like a bout of motion sickness. Granted, we're not together anymore, but it was not because of the vomming.

Ew, Vanessa why are you wearing cargo pants? Just because cargo pants are tight does not mean they are sexy. Cargo pants are only acceptable when on Safari. Or at least when you actually USE those extraneous pockets, which would probably only happen on Safari.

Vanessa has a convo with Mr. Viall. It ends with them both in precious father/maybe-future-daughter-in-law tears and there's not a dry eye in the house. To be fair, my eyes are the only eyes in the house, but it still counts.

Me: "I'm crying right now wtf."
Julie: "Are you watching with people or alone? My mom is disappointed in you."
Me: "Alone. Maybe I'm crying because I'm alone."
*The ep cuts to commercial. The accompanying song is "One Is the Loneliest Number."*

Ridin' that ERC.

Mrs. Viall: "Nick, we know an engagement is precious to you even though you've proposed three times more than the average man."

The family has mixed feelings about both women. The live studio audience is overwhelmingly Team Vanessa but they also hope he ends up alone. #savage

Vanessa and Nick have their final date. They ride horses and visit Santa Claus. Vanessa earns Metaphor Points for making one of the most far-fetched date/activity comparisons in Bachelor History. Vanessa likens believing in Santa to being in love with Nick. Which either means that A) Vanessa is a grown-ass woman who still believes in Santa OR B) Vanessa thinks that a future with Nick is utterly unrealistic and impossible but she's still holding out hope because in the meantime it's fun and you get orgasms presents. GOOD OMENS FOR YOUR FUTURE.

I'm sure you guys are gonna last forever.

They are really drawing out Vanessa's anxiety to an obnoxious level. I guess we're supposed to believe that Nick and Vanessa are each as insecure as the other? She's really only upset because she didn't win it right out of the gate like Whitney B or Lauren B or Shawn B. Maybe if you added a B to your name, V? Just one woman's opinion.

The date concludes. Nothing is resolved.

Raven gets her final date. She does her signature move, the Run and Jump™. She exclaims, "Ah! You caught me!" as if this is the first time she's ever done that signature move. IT'S CALLED A SIGNATURE MOVE FOR A REASON, RAVEN.

They ice skate to a soundtrack straight out of 2001. Like the good Midwestern boy he is, Nick is actually a VERY good ice skater, which is pretty impressive. Like, he can skate while carrying Raven in his arms. Maybe I should raise my standards from "could and would carry me out of a burning building" to "could and would ice skate with me in his arms away from a burning Finnish forest." Maybe that's unrealistic. Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

Nick disappears for a sec and reappears with husky puppies. We're all ded.

THEY'RE SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIEEEEE.

Raven: "This is the best day of my life. I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies."

Honestly, Raven, that's all anyone can hope for with aliens babies. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking.

We learn that Nick is literally paralyzed by the stress of The Process. He cannot move his neck. Maybe that's because he's old AF and and he was doing tons of ice tricks today! You're no spring chicken, Nick V.

Raven is head over heels for Nick and it's tragic to watch. That's SO Poor Raven. They are setting her up for a HARD fall. She's obviously about to lose and I'm already sad about it.

Neil Lane arrives the door and Nick picks an engagement ring for the fourth time. We see an unprecedented level of camaraderie between Nick and Neil. Maybe because no one in Bachelor History has ever spent so much time with the ring guy.

Nick: "I don't know anything about engagement rings."

Sure you don't, Nick.

Nick prepares to break up with Raven. She arrives wearing a stunning fur coat. I can't wait till I'm 60 and can wear coats like that errday. 

She gives her speech and the imminent breakup is all. over. Nick's. face. How does she not see it? Why is she still talking? If I were giving a speech like that and I saw Nick's face, I'd start to course-correct immediately. "No? This isn't happening? BOY BYE." Throw deuces, grab my fur (and the sunscreen intern who's been seriously bored since we left Bimini), run back to the limo and peace the F out before anyone can earn betch tear points from me.

Nick breaks up with Raven. He cries more than she does. Raven and I are both over it.

Raven's thinking about how easily she can remove her stilettos in this moment.

Fun fact: when we were kids, my best and oldest friend Maggie and I used to play a game called Stoic. Like a staring contest but more intense. I was very good. So in case anyone was questioning my abilities, I'd have the stoic exit DOWN. PAT.

Funner fact: Maggie is currently growing another human being inside her body and I write a blog about The Bachelor. So take what you will from that.

Raven's exit score is 1,000% a riff on Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On." I've played that enough times on piano to know that it's a near perfect harmony. 

Vanessa arrives in a, frankly, subpar fur to Raven's. Nick proposes to Vanessa and she says yes. In the words of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison, "It was one of the most anticipated proposals of all time in Bachelor History."

He proposed, she said yes, they're happy. Maybe.

How both Nick and Vanessa are feeling.

After the Final Rose is a lot of waffling over whether they're happy, whether they're not. It's a bunch of nonsense and I really don't want to watch but my remote is far away and I'm comfortable on my couch. Also I'm a rationing pro and still have half a glass of wine left (barely). I hope they're happy, even though they don't quite seem to be. Honestly, I just want them to get married so I can stop seeing Nick on this damn television show. We're all ready to move on with our lives.

Congrats to the Roses to Riches winners and to the losers wine winners. Pool captains, if you have questions about payouts, get in touch with Julie or me. We'll help you out. It's been a hell of a season. Thanks for sticking with us, loyal readers. We love you so. See you in two months!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

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Nick V Week Eight: Needs More Ja Rule--I Mean--Chris Harrison

Happy Tuesday, y'all. Eliz here. Sorry to disappoint, but Sam's Roses to Riches cameo has ended for now. But not without a casual tripling of our regular page views. If you're a Sam Fan, PLEASE STAY. We love you.

This episode picks up where we left off, with a tragic recap of Kristina's departure. A reminder to Kristina, wherever you are: You are WAY too good for Nick. Always know that.

Corinne is convinced she's going home. However, she's only got one arm pulled through her jacket sleeves so I'm automatically discrediting everything she says.

Goals?

Rachel: "The situation is that four people will get a hometown date and there are four people left."
Corinne: "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN."

Corinne: "Nick comes in with roses but I can't count so I don't know how many there are. Also I run a multi-million dollar company."

Turns out, Nick has brought four roses in and gives one to each remaining girl! I AM SO SHOCKED AT THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

This casual af Rose Ceremony reminds me of Season One, when they all used to sit on the couch in their slacks and turtlenecks (for real) while Alex Michel handed out leafy, thorny roses (for real) in his baggy, late-nineties suit (FOR REAL). Fifty seasons later: a lot less fabric, but otherwise exactly the same. This show hasn't aged a bit. Neither has Chris Harrison.

Speaking of, where is that sneaky little devil? We haven't seen him since, what, New Orleans? Was he even in St. Thomas? Is ABC grandfathering him out so they can replace him with Nick? I mean, their cumulative screen time across all seasons has to be pretty similar by this point. Come back, Chris Harrison. I need you. America needs you.

First hometown visit is Hoxie, Arkansas with That's So Raven. This date is straight out of MTV's Buckwild, aka every Arkansas country boy's wet dream. Boy meets girl. Girl arrives to date on a 4-wheeler in Daisy Dukes and a slinky white crop top. Boy and girl go muddin' on the 4-wheeler, roll around in the bog and climb a grain bin. A modern day romance, I tell ya.

A cop pulls up to give them some grief about climbing on the grain bin. Nick looks pretty nervy until we find out that the cop is actually Raven's brother! Let's all act surprised together. On the count of three...

They meet Raven's parents. Raven's mom chooses this moment to announce that Raven's dad is cancer-free! Nick claps embarrassingly loud but we're happy for them. It's emotional and sweet. Raven visits with Mom and Nick visits with Dad. Tbh, between Nick's mumbling and all the Southern accents, some parts of these convos desperately need subtitles. The cop brother has disappeared. Someone's climbing the grain bin again.

Nick doesn't waste any time with small talk and asks Raven's dad for his blessing. He gets the green light.

One down, three to go.

Raven wants to say I Love You to Nick but she just can't do it yet. She's too afraid. That's SO Raven.

We're off to Dallas to see Rachel.

Good thing Nick is wearing a suit because Rachel takes him to CHURCH! YAS GIRL this makes me love her so much more. They get a special shout out from the pastor. Nick does impressively well. By that I mean that Nick is able to at least appear to be having an okay time. Pretty sure the last time he was in a church, he was snogging with Kaitlyn in the confessional. After typing that sentence I probably should see myself to a confessional...

Nick: "This is a little different from my church at home that I haven't been to in many years."

I have mixed feelings here. This date makes me really disappointed that Rachel doesn't win, but also SO EXCITED for her to be the Bachelorette.

Daddy Lindsay, a Texas Federal Judge, can't be at dinner because of work obligations. AKA he would like to maintain his legit legal career and also he's busy weeping for his daughter's future legal career.

1000% guarantee that he is actually there but they're just cutting out his scenes because he wouldn't sign the release form.

They meet the fam bam. Younger sister Heather looks JUST like Rachel. Older sister Constance is married to "a white." His words, not mine. Apparently the Lindsay family motto is, "You don't need to have black skin, but you need to have thick skin." I love that. Hey, totally random question: does Rachel have a brother who is maybe also hiding off screen while clutching his law degree for dear life? Asking for a friend...

Can I marry into this family?

They have multiple serious conversations about race. I would say this is an historic moment for this franchise but that technically would be inaccurate. Fun fact: the First Real Kiss in Bachelor History was between the Bachelor, Alex, and a black woman named LaNease. They discussed race briefly and she made it pretty far. Another fun fact: that Bachelor only kissed like 7 of the 30 contestants that season. Imagine the havoc Corinne would have wreaked on that group! But I digress...

This hometown date with Rachel's family is a big effin deal. Very excited about what this means for future seasons/humanity. Rachel's mom expresses her approval of Nick. A little sad because we know it's about to end for Rachel (and she's the one remaining contestant on my team), but I can't wait to watch her again next season. I'M A SUCKER, OKAY.

Next we go to Miami! Cuban music plays in the background but I don't anticipate any local Cuban cultural experiences.

Corinne and Nick spend the day doing what Corinne does best: blowing through obscene amounts of money for no good reason. They go shopping at "the most exclusive mall in Miami." I think that means you definitely have to own the Visa Infinite Eurasian Diamond Card, which has a literal diamond embedded in the card. Easy.

Nick: "When Corinne walks into these stores it's like Christmas morning for the employees because now they can buy Christmas presents for their families with the commission they're about to make."

Nick jokes about having to pick up a few extra jobs to afford being Corinne's sig oth. Meanwhile, we're laughing because when he says "extra jobs" we know he just means "one real job" because INSTAGRAM IS NOT A JOB.

Nick tries on an ombre Juicy Couture haute couture track suit that costs a cool grand and a half. He doesn't buy it because it's too "Miami Soccer Dad" and he's not ready for that self-fulfilling prophecy. He ends up selecting a simple grey sweater made of unicorn hair, regular slim fit navy chinos that were hand-dyed with actual liquefied sapphires, and blue suede shoes that were dug up and retrieved from Elvis Presley's grave. Corinne signs away close to $3,500 on ONE outfit for Nick, which is more than I pay for three months' rent. As I scoff at them in disgust, I catch a glimpse of the last bite of my dinner: Sunday brunch leftovers. I shed a single tear into my glass of boxed wine.

At lunch, Corinne tells Nick she loves him. It's so awkward and forced. 10 reluctant points to Corinne.

They go to the family's high rise condo for dinner. Corinne's dad makes Nick eat a Greek olive that actually does look delicious. Unfortunately, Nick appears to detest olives. It takes him for.ev.er to chew and he kind of chokes a little while he grits through his teeth that it's the best. olive. he's. ever. had.

Run away fast, Nick. This is your future.

We finally meet the famous Raquel, who serves dinner and then does the Mom Chat with Nick. Raquel is underwhelming in a way that makes me want to organize a rescue operation to liberate her from this family's claws. Although, to be fair, based on Corinne's casual spending habits, Raquel probably makes more money than I ever will. Sooo... #worthit?

Corinne and her dad have girl talk on her bed, which is very uncomfortable to watch. Daddy is worried that Nick is a street urchin who won't be able to provide for Jasmine. Valid concern since Nick is currently unemployed.

During Nick's chat, Mr. Corinne teaches Nick how ergonomic wine glasses work. Nick is so appreciative. Now he finally knows what that little divot is! He does not move his thumb for the rest of the evening. After enduring a painful conversation about who will be the breadwinner, Nick gets the blessing from Corinne's dad. He's 2 for 3 at this point.

Nick says goodbye to Corinne and suddenly I start to feel sorry for her. It's pretty clear that she really has fallen in love with Nick and wants to end up with him. At the risk of sounding slut-shame-y, Corinne probably has never had a man engage in actual conversation with her so often without also having sex with her. He's the first person to tolerate like her for her--not just for her platinum vagine--and she definitely thinks he's the only one who ever will. Corinne! You have good things coming your way if you just grow the eff up. YOU ARE WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. YOU CAN REDEEM YOURSELF. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Pretty impressed by my own mature opinions on this topic. I've come full circle with Corinne.

Nick saved the best for last, and we go to Montreal to reunite with Vanessa. "Oh, Canada" plays joyously upon our arrival. Now the national anthem of Genovia is stuck in my head.

They go to Vanessa's school and Nick is immediately overwhelmed with emotion.

Shout out to Skenny for this wonderful snap.

They make scrapbooks with Vanessa's students.

Nick: "It was so cool that the interns were able to figure out how to print photos in Canada!"

First they go to V's mom's house. Did we know her parents were divorced? This feels like new information. There are one million of Vanessa's EEEE-talian family members there, so Nick feels right at home. Just a regular Sunday dinner for the Viall fam.

Vanessa's mom: "What is special about Vanessa?"
Nick: "She thick."

The family's biggest concerns are: 1) What is Nick's actual job? 2) You live in different countries? 3) Can Nick think with his brain and not his dick?

We'd all like to know.

There's a 99% chance I have seen this house on Love It or List It. It looks so familiar.

Next they go see Dad. Nick doesn't beat around the bush and asks for permission to marry Vanessa right away. Vanessa's dad ultimately gives in and then immediately spills the beans to Vanessa that Nick also asked all the other parents the same question.

Ooooooo Nick's in trouble.

Nick should've pulled a Ben Higgins and called the parents of the winner right before he proposed. Like just leave em a voicemail: "Hey man, 'bout to propose to your daughter. We cool? Just text me."

Vanessa is ~*QuEsTiOnInG eVeRytHiNg*~. She's finally realized that she's in a competition with other people. Welcome to the world, baby girl.

They all meet up for the Rose Ceremony in Brooklyn, Nick's "favorite city in the world." Vanessa is pulling out ALL the stops with this dress. The competition is hers to lose at this point, but she doesn't see herself as the front runner anymore.

OH MY GAWD ABC ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS AMATEUR BULLSHIT CLIFFHANGER? How is it that I can love and hate you, a television network, with so much passion? Why you gotta do us like that? Like can't you just go on the Activia diet and get regular for once? Plus, this cutoff is particularly insulting because we all know that literally nothing about this Andi conversation will be hostile. Just get on with it already. We're invested, okay? We don't need these dumb antics anymore.

Check your points. Vanessa cried a bunch this episode. My teams are donezo. We're getting down to the wire.


Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Nick V Week Five: Whipped Cream and Lies

Hey, y'all. It's our pleasure to hand the blog over this week to none other than Jillian Wyatt! Jillian is a Nashvillian who has a blog of her own, called FauxFringe. Check that out after you're done reading this. She's a bomb writer and we are thrilled that she was able to contribute to Roses to Riches this week. Without further ado, I'll give you what you came here for: sassy words and sassy .gifs. Read on, my pretties. xoxo, eliz

It is truly great timing that I have the opportunity to blog this week’s episode for you. A mere two days ago, I ran into not one but two former Bachelor contestants in the same day: Luke Pell and America’s Sweetheart Wells Adams. Luke jogged by the Thompson Hotel where I was brunching, and Wells was filling up his vintage Toyota SUV with gas at an East Nashville gas station as I drove past! I have never felt more a part of the Bachelor Nation.

Not that I encourage stalking, but if you happen to be in the Nashville area and you want to know where you too might find Wells or Luke, I’d recommend looking here or here. 

Ok, now on to the show. This week, we are blessed not only to watch The Most Dramatic Episode Ever, but to have it be sponsored by Emma Watson’s Beauty and the Beast! I hope we see at least one yellow dress and a rose in a glass container. Oh! And a singing teapot. (We already know who the Beast is.)

Chris Harrison’s voice over reminds us that last week’s episode left off just as things were starting to heat up between Corinne and Taylor. We meet them where we last saw them, on a bench in a Wisconsin courtyard, and we dive straight back into the drama.

Both women are speaking in the highest-pitched, betchiest voices I’ve ever heard. “You’re, like, not emotionally intelligent, Corinne!” “I, like, literally run a multi-million dollar company, Tay-lor!” I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s dog is barking as a result of these high-pitched reverberations. 

Can't. Escape. The. Voices.

Off camera, Corinne voices her “genuine” concern for Nick. “I’m honestly worried for him,” she says. “Taylor is a bully. Plus she’s disgusting.”

Inside, all the girls are talking about Corinne and Taylor, including Alexis who – let’s face it – aren’t we all shocked that Shark Girl is still here?

In the courtyard, Corinne is pulling the most conniving move by planting deep seeds of doubt in Taylor’s mind. “It’s not just me. No one in this house likes you,” she smiles. “Fifty percent of the girls think you’re here for the wrong reasons.” Taylor looks dismayed. Oh, this cunning bitch is gooooood.

Then, Corinne puts the cherry on top by taking her “concerns” to Nick. “She’s different when you’re not around,” she blinks at him, doe eyed. Classic.

Now we’re at the Rose Ceremony. Yes, last week’s Rose Ceremony. (Are we going to have Rose Ceremonies that span into the following week every week? Because I’m kind of over it. Wrap it up in one episode, ABC!) Nick enters the room and thanks the girls for a “great week” literally three times. “This is the hardest rose ceremony yet,” he sweats, before saying thank you for a fourth time. 

Pro tip: This is much more becoming. Never let 'em see you sweat.

Four thank yous? Is this a sign of Stockholm syndrome? Or just a peek inside the psyche of an insecure bachelor? He does talk about Andi and Kaitlyn in every episode... All these thank yous come off like he’s pleading for the women to stay. “Don’t leave me alone. Again,” his eyes plead as he picks up the first rose.

He gives the rose to Whitney, who has yet to speak this season. The second rose goes to fellow Nashvillian, Danielle M. (yay for Over the Hill points!) Then Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine (who looks as stunned as I do), Vanessa, ALEXIS?! and Corinne. Now we’re down to the last rose, and oh! the tension! It’s for Taylor, which means lights out for Sarah and Astrid.

I’ll miss Sarah’s voluptuous lips and perfectly smudged eyeliner. And I’ll miss Astrid’s… wait, which one is Astrid?

As Sarah leaves the house, she weeps to the camera. “Love is all I want. It’s. All. I. Want.”

“Then go to the fcking grocery store and meet somebody!” my husband, who swears he hates this show, shouts from the couch next to me. Upon hearing himself speak out loud, he looks sheepishly at me, then down to his phone. “I’m just saying, the grocery store is a place she could meet a guy.” Uh huh. I knew he was a fan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made an appearance as a guest blogger before this season’s through. (Editor’s note: sounds like he might have read last week’s post, too. Just saying.)

After a brief commercial break, we find that we’re no longer in Wisconsin; we’re in New Orleans! “I couldn’t be more excited about being here,” Nick deadpans into the camera in the most monotone voice of all time.

After jumping on all the beds in their penthouse hotel room, the girls gather to talk to Chris Harrison, who has just adopted the word “y’all” into his vocabulary. “Welcome to N’awlins, y’all! Let me tell y’all how it’s gonna go this week. Ya’ll fixin’ to have a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date!” The ladies gasp.

“Two-on-one?” “I hope it’s not me!” “Did he just say ‘y’all’?” 

Chris leaves and the ladies open the date card. It’s a one-on-one for Rachel! Annoying Taylor confides that she would “really really really really like to have the one-on-one” which is the most obvious sentence spoken in the history of this show. Stupid bit—wait! Has Corinne turned me against Taylor, too?!

Rachel meets Nick in some sort of open-air market, and she bounces up to him when she sees him. She appears to be wearing a one-piece bathing suit under a pair of yellow shorts? But Nick doesn’t mind. They shop around and feed each other random things from spoons. Then, they shoot oysters on the half shell and I bet you $1,000,000 they’re going to make a joke about oysters being an aphrodisiac – yes! Yes, there it is.

Now they’re pouring hot sauce all over the oysters and I’M SORRY did Nick just blow his hot sauce breath on Rachel’s face? I’m not kidding, y’all. I think that just happened. (“Y’all.” Look at me. I’m turning into Chris Harrison.)

After stuffing their faces with oysters and powdery beignets, they walk outside and just *happen* upon a parade! They join in, dancing around with beautiful lace parasols, and suddenly I’ve forgotten about the cheesiness of the moment because all I can think about is how beautiful and cool Rachel seems. I must buy a white one-piece as soon as possible.

This was awkward to search for at work...

From the heavens above, the rest of the ladies watch the parade through their penthouse widow, lamenting the fact that they can’t dance in the parade, too. A group of modern-day Rapunzels. Or Beasts in a tower?

From the parade, Nick and Rachel casually walk into a concert and dance, almost like it wasn’t planned at all. After dancing, they sit and watch the band, and – Nick’s fingers creep like the SCARIEST TARANTULA ACROSS RACHEL’S SHOULDER?! Did anyone else see that? I swear you can’t make this ish up.

Now it’s nighttime, and Nick escorts Rachel into a building to look at “like, Mardi Gras floats.” After they look around, they sit at a table for dinner, where Nick drinks white wine and Rachel sips what appears to be a foamy beer in a stemless wine glass.

Rachel tells Nick about the full-circle day she’s having. Last time she was in New Orleans, it was for a funeral. Back then, she vowed to live each day to its fullest, and now look at her! She’s in New Orleans again, this time with someone who could be her future husband! Nick asks Rachel about her family, and she tells him that her dad is a federal judge. They wax hypothetical about what it’d be like for Nick to meet him, (“Don’t call him Sam!” LOL LYLAS) and then Nick breaks all the rules by telling Rachel he’s “super into” her. Ahh, the romance.

Nick offers Rachel a rose, and she accepts it. Later, alone with the camera, she confides, “I can see myself falling in love today. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, which was a fairy tale.” I think it will take me years to unravel that sentence.

Back in the penthouse, the women anxiously await the next date card. They all wonder who is going on the two-on-one date, BUT WE ALREADY KNOW, DON’T WE? The date card arrives, and Vanessa confirms what we saw coming from a mile away – Corinne and Taylor are going on the two-on-one.

Sweet, sweet Raven with her jet-black hair drawls into the camera, “I think this is gonna be a fight to the death.”

Corinne v Taylor. A showdown for the ages.

But before that bloody battle, we’re subjected to the group date: an evening in a haunted mansion. “This is going to be spooky and scary!” Raven says. “I am going to rebuke these ghosts in the name of Jesus.” Yes you will, honey.

The women meet Nick at the ghost house, and they sit together in the parlor drinking mint juleps, which are scary in a Diabetes-type way. (So much sugar!) Then, the bartender/caretaker/maybe also ghost named Boo gives them a tour of the house. He tells them the story of an eight-year-old girl, Mae, who died in the house wayyy back in like the 1800’s or something. “Legend has it, she still haunts this home, searching for her beloved doll. Whatever you do, don’t touch the doll – or anything else in her bedroom!”

Jasmine, who doesn’t believe in ghosts, immediately touches everything in the entire house. “Well, she’s cursed,” says Jaimi through the balls dangling from her nose.

The sun sets, and Nick and the women are still in the mansion, drinking and arguing about whether or not ghosts are real. They find a Ouija board and, of course, start playing with it which FOR THE RECORD is breaking one of my cardinal rules. NEVER, NEVER, EVER PLAY WITH A OUIJA BOARD! When I was little, my cousins and I found a Ouija board at my grandparents’ house (why?) and I swear we conjured an evil spirit. I’m talking books flying off the shelf and everything. Don’t eff with that stuff.

But do these bitches listen to me? No. They’re just playing away, asking Mae who will get the group date rose, when we all know Mae does not give a flying fck. She’s just looking for her dolly! She died of yellow fever for pete’s sake! She doesn’t have time for this!

I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so, because before we know it, the power goes out throughout the whole mansion. The ladies are freaking out, but Nick wants to explore the house. He and some of the ladies wander back into Mae’s room, where they discover to everyone’s horror that Mae’s prized doll has gone missing!

You guys – I’m going to be honest. This is where I start to vehemently hate this date. Can we just move on? Basically, a bunch of fake shit happens. Jasmine goes on and on about how she’s not scared of ghosts, Josephine starts touching all of the things Boo tells her not to touch, a chandelier “mysteriously” falls from the ceiling, everyone’s screaming for 20 solid minutes, blah blah blah.

This is just so fake. Come on, ABC. We watch The Bachelor because we like to see a true and factual show full of genuine people who are honestly searching for everlasting love, not this overdramatized BS.

Meanwhile, we cut away from the mansion and back to the penthouse, where Corinne applies a green facial masque while sipping champagne in a bubble bath. Taylor sits, surrounded by candles, in front of a mirror and applies 20 different essential oils to balance her chakras. All of this in preparation for tomorrow’s big date.

Back at the haunted mansion, we talk to Nick, who manages to make this date even more unbearable. “I thought there were 10 women on this date,” he laughs, “but now with Mae here, I have 11 women I need to manage.” [RECORD SCREECH] Need to manage? OH HELL NO. Ain’t nobody here that needs your managing, Nick. These ladies will go on to make millions selling hair gummies and tea that makes you poop without your “management,” thank you very much.

“Things can get kind of catty on group dates,” he continues. ARE YOU FOR REAL, NICK? Would you like to spurt any other offensive “truths” about women, Nick? All of female America is waiting for your commentary.

Somehow, through all the very real ghost things that are happening, and Nick’s sudden and brief chauvinist rant, Danielle L can still see herself falling in love with Nick. Danielle M is glad to have had a moment alone with Nick because she wants to make sure their connection is still strong. It’s been awhile since their week two date. Raven accidentally tells Nick that she fell in love with him during their one-on-one date last week. Oh honey. She is made of pure sugar.

Finally – I thought this date would never end – the group date rose appears, encased in glass just like in Beauty and the Beast. I knew it! Nick retrieves the rose and gives it to Danielle M. She is happy to be one step closer to love, and I am happy that date is over.

And now it’s time for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for: Corinne + Taylor + Nick in the Bayou! The three of them meet and board a small boat captained by a man with a beer gut and curly blonde ponytail. Taylor is wearing a fishtail braid, which… is… fine…

“I hope Nick sees my golden heart on this date,” Corinne says, miraculously leaving out mention of her platinum you-know-what this time around.

After a quick spin around the swamp, the three lovers hop off the boat and traipse through the woods, where I can only assume they’re all contracting the Zika virus. They happen upon a Voodoo ceremony, where they meet a Voodoo priestess. We all breathe a sigh of relief when she tells them she can help “bring truth to the surface.” Well, why didn’t we just hire this lady in the first place?!

The priestess guides the love triangle to a table, conveniently placed amidst the trees, where a tarot card reader sits. She talks to the ladies one-by-one, starting with Taylor, and reveals their truths.

“It feels very tense,” the reader tells Taylor. “There’s a lot of energy and tension. There seems to be a negative energy around you.”

Cut to Corinne, who is snuggling with Nick on a log a mere five feet away. “My daddy Alabama,” she smiles at him. “Mama Louisiana.” And then, once again, she starts spinning to Nick about Taylor picking on her. “She’s such a bully!”

“How does that make you feel?” Nick asks flatly, completely disinterested. My husband chortles from the couch.

Now, it’s time for Taylor to join Nick, and Corinne sits with the reader. “How do you make a Voodoo doll specific to a person?” Corinne asks immediately.

Meanwhile, on the log, Nick tells Taylor he was surprised to hear that she’s been bullying Corinne. “What? She flat-out asked me ‘what is emotional intelligence?’” Taylor defends, as if that explains anything. Of course, we can see what Taylor can’t – that Nick lacks emotional intelligence, as well.

In the background, we see Corinne pushing a pin into the heart of the Voodoo doll she and the reader just crafted together. 

Finally, having gained all of this clarity, the Taylor and Corinne sit alone at the reader’s table, waiting for Nick to give one of them the rose.

“Taylor is a bug. She belongs in a swamp,” Corinne’s voice over tells us. “Have you seen my butt? It doesn’t belong in a swamp!” The producers grace us with a gratuitous shot of Corinne’s full bottom.

“I know that Nick will see through Corinne’s lies,” Taylor says. “He won’t pick her. If he did, their relationship would be based off of whipped cream and lies!” And now we know the name of Corinne’s forthcoming memoir.

Nick joins the ladies at the table. “I’m as anxious as I was on night one,” he says. But this isn’t about how the ladies are getting along; it’s about his feelings. “This won’t be easy, but I know what I have to do.”

He picks up the rose. “I need to have an emotional connection with the person I’m going to spend a life with.” DUH. “And that’s why –“ he turns to Corinne. “Corinne, will you accept this rose?” Of course she does.

Nick hugs Taylor goodbye, and he and Corinne return to the boat, where the ponytailed man is waiting to take them away. Now there’s no one left but Taylor and the gators. Oh! and the Voodoo priestess, whom Taylor joins for a cleansing ritual in the nighttime that has suddenly fallen. (Weird, the sun appeared to be out just a moment ago?) The priestess sprinkles water all over Taylor’s arms and head as others circle around and chant.

“I won’t go home without speaking my piece,” Taylor vows, even after the Voodoo priestess told her SPECIFICALLY not to engage. Personally, it seemed to me like the appropriate time for piece speaking was a few minutes ago before Nick abandoned her in a swamp? But what do I know.

Nick and Corinne have now changed into evening wear (still no yellow Belle dress, unfortunately) and they just sit down to enjoy a nice dinner together when – gasp! – Taylor shows up, having emerged from the swamp! She’s soaking wet and covered in Spanish moss, speaking in Voodoo tongues. Corinne gasps. Nick looks scared. And before we know it – the episode is over. 

Nick and Corinne when Taylor reappears.

Wow, that truly was the Most Dramatic Episode of All Time.

Next week on the Bachelor: Wait, I’M SORRY. Did someone just say “two people went home on the two-on-one date”? Does that mean Corinne goes home? Or does Swamp Monster Taylor murder her with her newfound Voodoo powers? Wait, now Nick is crying? Now all the ladies are crying? This is producer magic at work, people. Can’t wait.

Of course, we’ve found ourselves in yet another Rose Ceremony-less episode, but oh man. It looks like this is about to get good.

Love and Roses,

Jillian

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