Kaitlyn Week Two: Fly Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bach

Thank goodness we're getting back to some normalcy in week two. We're backdown to one bachelorette, she's having a chatty brunch with Chris Harrison, and all is right in the world. Surprisingly, she's not staying in Chris Soules' rustic cabin at the end of the Bach House driveway. Maybe they thought the outdoor shower would tempt the cameramen...or maybe they were worried she too would discover the backlot betting ring (#throwbacktoAshleyS)

After Kaitlyn's little "yay me" chat, we see the guys hanging out in the Bach House. Here's my big question: Why are they telling each other who they are voting for?! Guys, consider some strategy play. You met these dudes less than 24 hours ago, and don't think they're going to use that great little sabotage tidbit when they most need it? What is this, amateur hour? You're all bro-y now but in two days you're going to be all "I'm not here to make friends." Trust me. This ain't our first rodeo.

First up, we get a group date. Some ambitious junior producer said, "hey, I know how to bring out their aggression, AND feature a former DWTS participant, AND put our on-call medics to good use....BOXING!" Whoever you are, junior producer, we thank you. You get a promotion. During these boxing workouts, Kupah is way more into boxing than into Kaitlyn and I'm way more into Kupah's body than writing this blog.

ANYWAY, the boxing matches are brutal and also make no sense. Somehow against all odds and logic, Jared makes it to the final round, where he gets pummeled. Regardless, he's the first contestant to require medical attention! Thanks for taking one for the team...quite literally. Those five points are totally worth your concussion.

On the calm portion of the date, Ben Z comes out of the gate sprinting into his heartbreaking story. Some of the other dudes start sharing their feelings. Justin shows off his resting douche face. Jared swings by on his way home from the hospital, and for some totally unexplainable reason, she's into him. They kiss and I pour myself more wine. She gives Ben Z the date rose and makes out with everyone else as a consolation prize.

Clint gets the first one-on-one date. As Kaitlyn points out, any man who draws Chris Harrison on a triceratops deserves a one-on-one. We agree, girl. They go to do an underwater photoshoot which they say is "all the rage." To me, it looks like a great way to ruin a thousand dollar gown and get swimmers ear in the process. He gets a rose.

 ^^ The result of my last underwater photoshoot ^^

Meanwhile, back at the house, Touchy Tony goes on a rant about non-violence and love. Yes, Touchy Tony is the one with a black eye. Am I missing something? He keeps spewing some "I need a supportive girl" nonsense and he then REFERS TO HER AS BRITT BY ACCIDENT. Homeboy is some fat that needs to be trimmed. All the other dudes agree with me.

The second group date involves standup comedy, Amy Schumer, and JJ's obnoxious ego. Some standouts: Chris the Dentist and Joshua the Welder. A not-so-surprising failure: Touchy Tony. later on, after a few make outs, JJ gets the rose. He looks like an awful kisser.

"But we're all special butterflies, guys" - Tony

Finally, we're at cocktail party time. JJ snags her first, even though he already has a rose. That's a big Bachetiquette no-no. So much so that Touchy Tony and Kupah get all antagonistic and JJ is now the villain of the house. Is anyone else reminded of Ben from a few seasons back? I miss JJ the Pantsapreneur. Can we organize a trade?

Ian sneaks her away for some good chit-chat time. I'm diggin it. She's diggin it. You keep doing you, Ian.

Kupah tries to "be honest' with her, but it sounds a little more like fishing for compliments. He does address race in that he doesn't want to be the "token black guy." Once again, I'm ashamed that we count minority points, and ashamed that minorities on the Bachelor/ette are such a novelty. Unfortunately for him, he goes mouthing off to the other guys within earshot of Kaitlyn and she decides to send him packing. He gets confrontational with the producers and...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Are you serious, ABC? What happened to the guaranteed rose ceremonies every episode? YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT.

Welp. we have no rose ceremony this week, but at least Britt and Brady are happy, I guess. I wouldn't want to date either of them, so at least they have each other. Points from this week and next will be grouped together as "Episode 2" because without a rose ceremony, did the episode really happen?

Happy Merlot Monday and Terrible Tuesday everybody.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners