Chris' Finale: Love Is Blind and Apparently Also Deaf

Alterate titles to this post:
- Whitney's Voice Forever. Forever ever? Forever EVER?!
- I Ain't Sayin' She A Gold Digger, But She Ain't Messin' With No Broke Farmer
- To Have and To Hold Until I Have To Go Harvest
- She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

Well, folks, this season is over. Prince Farming has found his "princess" and half of our league lost their $15. The finale was pretty anticlimactic as far as Bachelor finales go. Let's get into the details, shall we?

Both ladies get the privilege of traveling to Iowa (again, yay?) to meet Chris' family. First up is Whitney. She makes a bunch of ridiculous speeches that make our ears bleed, but she cries a lot, so at least that voice is earning some of us points. Chris' sisters and mom really like her so she takes an early lead.

Becca goes into the lions' den and confirm her status as a rational thinker with her whole "no, I'm actually a normal human and don't fall in love with people immediately on TV." She's not head-over-heels. The fam's not impressed. Chris, on the other hand, basically say's she has it in the bag.

Fast forward to some evening in an actual municipality: Chris goes to see Becca in her hotel and is all "do you love me?" and she's all "dude, slow your roll." Meanwhile Julie is all "love is stupid" and the rest of the viewing party is all "shut up."

After Becca fails to express any real thoughts, Chris takes Whitney out on a date on a tractor, winning the first tractor ride points (Note: there was a tractor featured early on this season, but due to a movement technicality, it didn't count.)

They go back to Chris' house, where Whitney immediately starts to visualize where she will put the framed picture SHE ALREADY HAS OF THEM. Chris comments that the house has "room to grow" meaning let's pop out some babies now, shall we? There were some more serious boring conversations but we were too busy taking jello shots to notice.

After all that non-drama, we get to the rose ceremony. The limos have to travel appx 90 minutes to get to this barn in the middle of nowhere, not counting the McDonald's stop 20 mins out because that's the only restaurant around. The setup is a pretty weird, like rustic chic on acid (although the stained glass was on point). The anticipation of who will get out first is killing me!!! WHO IS IT OMGGGGG.

Becca. Damnit.

She steps out of the limo in her super fab red velvet gown, Chris breaks up with her and she takes it like a champ. She saves face for the camera and doesn't shed a single tear. I acknowledge that people like her don't necessarily make for good TV and, as Julie points out, if everyone acted like she did we wouldn't have a league to speak of. But I applaud Becca for not having a hysterical breakdown on national television. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Emotions are the worst.

I'm making Julie write about Whitney now because I don't like her and it'll be too mean.

So Whitney steps out of the limo and gets her little hug and pep talk from Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. She's shaking like a chihuahua in the springtime and her eyes are bugging out in a similar fashion. Did she steal some substances from Ashley S? Whit reiterates the whole "I love you, we'd make awesome babies" schpiel for like a half hour. On this note, Chris drops to one knee and gives her the huge rock provided by a jeweler who we will not name drop (we'll reconsider if he pays us the same he pays ABC to get on the show every season.) Anyway, they get all lovey-dovey, sit on the barn ledge in their formal wear, and watch the midwestern sunset in below-freezing temperatures. True romance.

Our viewing party does one last cheers with Jello shots (thanks, Corinne's Aunt!) and tallies up points:

In Chicago Pool #1 Team Audrey, the Farmer's Floozies took first place. That team had BOTH Whitney and Becca. Props for good drafting. Second went to Julie's Jive Turkeys and third went to a former champion: MC's McSluts.

In Chicago Pool #2 Finally Gonna Win Corinne takes back the title of first place with her team Corinne & Chris' Corn-fed Cuties. Second place goes to Shannon's Boot Scootin' Biddies. It was a tight race and Shannon lost by only 2 points, despite being out of team members for weeks. Kyle's Threesome appropriately took third place.

In the Nashville Pool, Team Caitlin Bach of Cookies won by a landslide with 233 points. Second place went to Katharine's Kittenz. Rounding out the Nashville top 3 was Rachel's Blackout Bitches. Also in this league, we set a new record low. Team Emily: A Roll in the Hay brought disgrace to their GM with only 63 points. Maybe next season they can recover.

Now that this season's over, let's talk about next. What the hell, ABC? Chris Harrison announced last night that next season will feature...wait for it... TWO bachelorettes. Not only are they breaking the sacred cycle, they're letting bratty Britt get more screen time.

   

On a serious note, ABC is taking the sexism of the show to a whole new level. Before, it was acceptable because it's The Bachelor and it's cheesy and it's funny to watch people make a fool of themselves. It's not funny anymore. They took it too far. On a less serious note, this is totally going to wreak havoc on the structure of the league, which we do NOT appreciate. Throwing off our groove here, Chris Harrison.

It's been an excellent season, Bachies.  Until next time...


Love & Roses
Julie and Elizabeth
Your League Czars Commissioners

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Chris Week Nine: Do You BALIeve In Life After Love?

Last night I had a dream that I was on The Bachelor. In true Elizabeth fashion, I got sunburned at the first pool party and was really peeved about it. I went to my weekly therapy session with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior to complain. I told him, for the millionth time, that this was EXACTLY why I didn't want to go on the show. How many times do I have to ask for a sunscreen intern? Now I'll never get to be a farmer's wife. Blast!

It was weird. No more wine before bed. Jk I gave that up for Lent. I'm writing this completely sober! I hope you still think I'm funny.

We're down to the last three ladies and we FINALLY get to leave the country! This season has been waiting on the tarmac for far too long. Glad we get to take off and do some real sight seeing (lookin' at you, South Dakota). Bring on Bali.

This is how sweaty y'all are about to be in Bali.

This is also Fantasy Suite Week, so lots of big things are happening here. Chris: "If I'm going to be confident about proposing to one of these girls, I'm going to have to have sex with all of them first."

Kaitlyn's date is first. They roam around and interact with strategically placed locals. They find some pretty aggressive monkeys and feed them bananas. They also visit a temple and share a spiritual moment, creating a bond that will last forever a few more days.

In what is possibly the sweatiest conversation in Bachelor History, Kaitlyn talks about her feelings, which she says is difficult for her to do. Preach, Kaitlyn, feelings are the worst. Chris is all, "We're both really vulnerable right now, because if you left I would only have two girls to choose from."

I just want to bake a cake full of sunshine...and ROSES

Kaitlyn: "There's not one thing I don't like about us. Even your giggle, which is a lot to love." She has zero questions for Chris at this point, which is very concerning. She enthusiastically agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite. Now Chris can "plow the f*ck out of her field" like she requested on night one. Well played.

Kaitlyn agrees that America Needs Farmers. 

They bone.

Next up is the date with Shitney Whiney Whitney (<--- actual typos I made, no joke).

They are on a boat. WHY ISN'T CHRIS HARRISON THE BOAT DRIVER? I want Chris Harrison to play every extra role possible on this show. Need more Chris Harrison.

Whitney babbles on about how perfect and natural their relationship is. Chris doesn't add much to the conversation. At "dinner," Whitney doesn't even pretend for a second that her career is important to her. She's prepared to drop everything and immediately pop out babies in Arlington. You do you, girl.

Someone didn't read Lean In.

They bone.

Becca's date is last. Is she wearing leather shorts in Bali? That is such a bad idea. They go to another temple (maybe the same temple as before?) and talk to the medium about their relationship. The producers definitely had a prior conversation with these guys and told them that their advice to Becca and Chris HAD to be about sex, because OMG VIRGIN.

The buildup to this "I'm a virgin" revelation is a little ridiculous. Chris handles the news like a normal human being should handle the news. Becca: "I'm a virgin." Chris: "Okay."

They don't bone.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Chris is distressed about who to send home. Chris Harrison comes in to save the day and help Chris make pro/con lists about each girl. They figure it out together. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Side note: New goal is to have Chris Harrison as my life coach.

Chris is about to give one girl the axe. Becca thinks it's going to be her. Chris takes her aside for one last conversation. Meanwhile, Whitney and Kaitlyn are (not so) secretly happy that Becca's going to be privately eliminated and they'll be the final two. They're totally circle of bitching right now and it's amazing.

Kaitlyn: "I feel bad for feeling so happy but like she's for sure going home :)))))"

Then: THE ULTIMATE FAKEOUT!!!!!! BECCA STAYS! Chris escorts her back in and ends up giving Kaitlyn the boot. This is nuts. Legit did not see this coming. Thought Whitney would for sure go home before Kaitlyn did.

Exact face we all made^^

Whitney: "I'm really confused because what I thought was going to happen didn't happen." #braincells

Kaitlyn is next Bachelorette for sure: "I didn't expect to feel this way when I left here. I let my guard down and The Process worked for me and I'm devastated now but when I have 30 guys fighting over me I'll def find true love." *Bachelor buzz words! Producers all high-fiving each other during this convo*

Points are SUPER CLOSE and standings are neck and neck in all leagues. The finale will be huge! So so so excited.

Next week is the Women Tell All/Crucifixion of Kelsey episode. No blog post (sorry) but we'll be doing prop bets at Corinne's place for whoever wants to participate.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Five: We're Not in Iowa Anymore

This week's episode takes us to the exotic city of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Contrary to what several of the girls believe, New Mexico is actually not part of Old Mexico, and no, they don't wear sombreros or dance like lunatics. Where do they find these girls, really? Remedial history classes?

The first one-on-one date goes to my girl Carly. She gets the privilege of intimate time with Chris and the voyeuristic love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury (whose name totally sounds like something out of Harry Potter!) She forces them to get all awkward and sexual, which is every girl's dream first date, I'm sure. The two are even instructed to undress the other while Tzi looks on with chronic hungry eyes. Carly gets a rose. Chris gets blue balls.

Tziporah be like ^^

Now that everyone is feeling sufficiently weird-ed out, ABC brings us back to reality with the most normal situation they could muster: a group date. Two rafts full of squealing ladies float down a river, and somehow Jade gets thrown in the water which aggravates her too-ridiculous-to-be-real medical disorder. Apparently her body temperature is like that of a lizard, so she gets hypothermia at temps those of us in the Midwest call "summer." Let's all keep in mind, this girl use to model for nudie mags, and I'm sure they don't keep space heaters around those shoots...how did she survive? 

I digress...the point is, she uses her hypothermia to her advantage, scoring a foot rub from Chris and making the other girls (and Rob) jealous. Kelsey starts to get ideas. Note: this does not qualify for Medical Attention Points because a medic was not present; Chris administering "medical attention" does not count.

The date gets real interesting at the after party. Everyone's favorite drunk sorostitute Jordan shows up at the hotel begging for a second chance. Naturally, our actual contestants are pissed and throwing SO MUCH shade. It's glorious. They all bitch and whine about her return, so Chris decides is forced to drop her like a bad handbag. Whitney gets the group date rose. Jordan earns a whopping 19pts for returning, getting unceremoniously eliminated, and then crying about it. MVP of the week.

The next one-on-one date goes to Britt, who we learn is "hygienically challenged." According to her BFF Bach sistas, Britt doesn't shower. Like...ever. She also sleeps with makeup on, like a monster. Seriously, ladies, don't do that. It's really really really bad for your skin. 

^ Britt showing artistry as a form of flattery ^

Britt and Chris go on a hot air balloon ride. She seems to forget about her "fear of heights" that she had been crying about not 12 hours prior. After the date the two go snuggle up in Chris's hotel room, and Britt has the lady-balls to tell the rest of the girls about their "nap." You want to get a stiletto to the eye? That's how you get a stiletto to the eye. More shade thrown. Britt gets a rose.

Finally ABC decides to introduce us to the crazy bundle of sociopathy that is Kelsey. Yes, Kelsey has a tragic story that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. Yes, I'm sure she'll never quite get over that trauma. No, she does not need to flippantly discuss the death of her husband on national TV as if it was a flash sale at Bloomingdale's. Kelsey sneaks off to Chris's room to tell him all about her late husband, then says to the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? Tragic, but it's amazing!" and there is definitely a serial-killer smile behind it all. Our whole viewing party was still recovering from the creepiness of the first date, so this Kelsey moment causes all of our wine bottles to magically empty into our livers.

The pre-ceremony cocktail party is canceled because Chris is sure of his decision and probably too scared to face Kelsey the girls for fear of injury...or more shade. ABC proceeds to pull the biggest bitch move in the history of bitch moves, and they push the rose ceremony to next week! They had the audacity to leave us with a To Be Continued! You know what's not to be continued, ABC? My wine collection, because I drank it all last night trying to cope.

Best .gif in the history of .gifs

Points have been updated. No one has been eliminated yet, so we have that to be thankful for. All points that happen up to the end of what would have been this week's rose ceremony will be assigned to Episode 5. Then we'll proceed to Episode 6. Next week looks extra point-heavy with betch tears and actual medical attention. Until then, if anyone has a fool proof cure for Tuesday hangovers, give me a call.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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