JoJo's Season: The Bros Before the Rose

HEY GUYS.

Eliz here, comin at ya this week from my happy place: drinking tinto on the porch while blogging about the Bachelorette. For our fans out there who don't actually know me (AND I KNOW YOU EXIST), I promise I'm cool.

It feels like it has been for.ev.er. since Ben's season ended, doesn't it? It was a long, cold winter without y'all. We're almost back and I could not be more jazzed about it.

Let's take a moment... and praise Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that the Bachelorette is not Caila. I would be in a sad sad state if I had to watch her manic robot performances for an entire season. I was Team JoJo from the get go. Plus, from the few short previews I've seen, JoJo's season promises us a wiiild ride on that ERC (Emotional Roller Coaster for you NARPs), which is nothing short of thrilling.

The cast of characters list of suitors was finally released last week, much to my delight, so I'm here to break it down and give you my completely biased opinions about JoJo's future husband. I'm no fan of dilly dallying, so let's jump right in.

First glance. Just opened the page and saw one man in a Santa suit and one man in a kilt. Don't know who they are but gonna go ahead and nix those two before we even start.

Second glance. These guys are all so...pretty. Except for a select few. I'm not sure if that's good or bad for them. Hopefully for JoJo's sake (and ours) they are less pretty in person because honestly I'm not tryna date someone who has better eyebrows than I do. Also this yearbook-style blue background kills me every year. You rock, never change. XOXO, Eliz

Third, before we really dig deep, here are the men who qualify for minority points in the fantasy league: Christian, Grant, Jake, Jonathan. THIS IS THE FINAL DECISION. YOU WILL BE REFERRED HERE IF YOU DISPUTE MINORITY POINTS AT ANY TIME DURING THE SEASON.

Shit, y'all, the website crashed. ABC.go.com has failed me. Does Chris Harrison even realize how long my breath has been bated for this moment? How can you do me like this, C?!

False alarm. Wifi went out for a hot sec. Phew.

For real this time. Here's what we're working with this year. Let's take a look-see.

My Bachelorette MO tbh.

Alex, 25, US Marine
Very short in comparison with the rest of the guys, but everything else about him seems super promising. He saved someone from a burning car once. May prove to be too mature for this show.

Ali, 27, Bartender
Afraid of "bugs, cockroaches and bees" (am I the only one who groups those things together as one category and not three?), loves it when his date "dresses sexy" (eye roll). Will Ali have Persian heritage in common with JoJo, an assumption based solely on his name and his face? Maybe. Is that racial profiling? Definitely.

Brandon, 28, Hipster
Self-diagnosed hopeless romantic, idealistic, needs a haircut.

Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent
Is this the OC (Original Chad)? Could ignite some Chad-PTSD for JoJo. In his bio, he answered three different questions with "myself in 10 years." Those questions were: "Who do you admire most in the world?" "If you could be someone else for just one day, who would you be?" and "If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?" Kill me now. His one redeeming quality (former Marine) is completely negated by his greatest achievement to date, which he listed as "being born good looking." Get over yourself, Chad. Your name is Chad.

Chase, 27, Medical Sales Rep
I've read his profile like 4 times and haven't retained anything.

Christian, 26, Telecom Consultant
Victim of ex-girlfriend pet theft. But it was a Chihuahua so I don't feel bad.

Coley, 27, Real Estate Consultant
Hair is indistinguishable between manbun and greased back mullet. Ew. But he is anti-phone-during-dates so he gets points for that.

Derek, 29, Commercial Banker
Okay Derek is someone I could get under  on top of  on board with. Good writer, good eyebrows, good number of inches...taller than me. Questionable cucumber phobia but I'm sure that's easily explained. We all have our quirks.

Daniel, 31, Male Model
Daniel refers to his body as a "Lambo" not once, but TWICE in his bio. His OWN body. Not even JoJo's body, which arguably would be better, depending on who you ask. I'm sorry, Daniel. Gtfo. That kind of cockiness would make me run for the hills. JoJo, be careful.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Expert
WHERE DO I EVEN START. There's so much meat here. Or is it not enough meat? Ha. Penis jokes. How does one become an erectile disfunction expert? From experience? Is this a medical profession? I have so many questions and nothing else about him matters anymore. OH except I just read that one of his deal breakers is "girls with chipped nail polish." Sorry, Evan, you aren't hot enough to have requirements that outrageous. Baiiiiiii.

Grant, 27, Firefighter
Poor man's Derek Morgan. Doesn't like when girls talk about Harry Potter for more than 20 minutes on a date. Rude, but he'll be nice to look at.

Hey, baby girl.

Jake, 26, Landscape Architect
Overly confident about his future with JoJo. His answers are all very cocky, yet he lists humility as his best attribute. Suspicious.

James F, 34, Boxing Club Owner
In addition to throwing a mean left hook (just like me), James F seems like a totally reasonable and normal person! He won't last more than two episodes. His shirt isn't tight enough.

James S, 27, Bachelor Superfan
Not even clicking on the full bio based on his "profession."

James Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter
I've had a lot of tinto and I'm not absorbing anything from this guy's bio. His face is weird and he might be the Brady of this season. Saw the word daddy and x-ed out immediately. Noooope. Also he's named James Taylor.

Jonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep
Has a tattoo of his grandmother. Dislikes all vegetables. Swipe left.

Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback
NO. NOT AGAIN. This show and its former professional athletes. Ughhhhhghhhghgh. Please prove me wrong, Jordan. Please. I'm having flashbacks of Josh M.

Luke, 31, War Veteran
Remarkably unremarkable.

Nick B, 33, Electrical Engineer
He's got an automatic leg up with his last initial B. The three most recent winners of the show all had B last names too (Lauren B, Shawn B, Whitney B). Other than that Nick B seems pretty decent. Plus he plays rugby. Hoping for some Gratuitous Nakedness Points with this one. #DemThighsDoe

Nick S, 26, Software Salesman
Goodness gracious, another Nick who sells software? We've been here before; I recognize that tree. I just took a closer look at Nick S's picture and was alarmed by what appears to be a rolled up bandana necklace. Wild West meets tech nerd? Who let him keep that thing on for his photo? I appreciate that his bio answers made me giggle (dreams of running a tomato farm one day, dislikes "scary cheeses") but I don't know if I can get past his fashion choices.

Peter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager
Needs to hurry up and choose between clean shaven or full beard. The in-between stage is really not working for him. Ain't gon be meeting Peter at the perk if he looks like that.

Robby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer
Former Competitive Swimmer? Seriously, Robby? I ALSO AM A FORMER COMPETITIVE SWIMMER but you don't see me listing that on job applications or my Bumble profile. Might as well add all your other high school and middle school accolades while you're at it. Former Spanish Club President, Former Key Club Treasurer, Former Spelling Bee Champion...

Sal, 28, Operations Manager
I can't think about anything except that children's book called Blueberries for Sal. All I want to do now is go back to Nesbit, Mississippi and pick blueberries. Country roads, take me home...

Vinny, 28, Barber
Don't think Vinny will be a strong contender.

Wells, 31, Radio DJ
Not your typical face for radio. I'm okay with it. His ideal date is also my ideal date, so there's that. "Really good tacos, a great live band, a walk around the city, and wine and cheese on my front porch as Otis Redding plays on my turn table." *sWoOn* Okay, Wells, I'm impressed. If things don't work out between you and JoJo, I'll be seeing you in Nashville v soon.

Will, 26, Civil Engineer
Shave the soul patch, please. Then we can reevaluate.

FINALLY DONE. Man, that was exhausting. If you've made it this far, you're welcome for doing your research for you.

Okay! Now that that's out of the way, super excited for this season to get rolling. There's still time to get a pool together for the league and sign up online. Up there at the top there's a section called Register Your Pool. That's where you register your pool. If you aren't smart enough to figure out the form, you aren't smart enough to be in the league and that's that.

Let the drama begin.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

Continue Reading

Ben H Week Two: Hey We All Just Met You, And Lace Is Crazy

Hello my little popsicles. Elizabeth here this week. I'm still reeling from the success of Draft Night, but super jazzed to be back on the blog. Let's jump right in, shall we? I'm not one for small talk.

Except for one thing. Check out this impressiveness from long time league member, Rob S. Our first (and sometimes favorite) male participant!

You go, Glen Coco.

Lace is off and running, already talking about getting a rose and a ring? You barely got a rose in Week 1, honey. Don't count your diamonds before the Neil Lane egg hatches. Slow your roll. 

Now onto the first date of the season! It's a group date at Bachelor High where they compete to be Homecoming Queen. The girls are all reminiscing about their own homecoming experiences. They're all, "OMG I remember high school back in the day   right before I came on the show   still working on my GED off camera."

These pipsqueaks are way too young to be reminiscing.

Principal Harrison makes some announcements over the PA system. He’s my favorite princi-PAL. 

The girls pair off to make Ben's love volcano erupt. Please hire the intern who came up with that one. She can stay.

They proceed to make out with each other/bob for apples. Jackie wishes she had a bigger mouth for...apple bobbing.

The final test is to place the state of Indiana on a map. They fail miserably, making us all look bad. Even Amber, WHO IS FROM CHICAGO, can't get it right. Becca takes the cake though and basically turns it into Pennsylvania, upgrading Indiana from Worst State in America to Fourth Worst State in America (sorry, Julie's mom.)

Mandi and Amber are the final pair standing, and face off in a hurdles race for the prize. Mandi schools Amber (and btw is actually legit AF), winning one-on-one time with Ben aka one lap around the track in a car. It was so boring they didn't show us any of it.

At the wrap party, Morals and Values (Jennifer + her boobs) gets the First Real Kiss (+10)! The producers played that one up with the delayed music there at the end of the kiss. I'm feeling some real deal chemistry between them.

Back at the mansion...oh hey Olivia without makeup is a little insane and OH MY GOD OLIVIA’S MOUTH IS OUTRAGEOUS. OH. OH. WHAT. LOOK.

I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see? 

Ben, back on the group date: "I love being able to date with no distractions except for the distraction of dating 20 women at once."

JoJo frets about not having a lot of time with Ben, but then he takes her up on the helipad! You know who didn't get to go up on the helipad? Lace. Ben and JoJo have a super magical-looking kiss with his big manly hands on her neck ugh I hate my life. JoJo gets a rose! Snaps for JoJo. 

Next up is the one-on-one date with Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Caila.

We learn that before the show started, Ben was afraid everyone would walk away once they met him. That’s literally what would happen if I were the Bachelorette. All the dudes would ghost. Chris Harrison would break the news to me by saying “Elizabeth, the men have left. They did not take a moment to say their goodbyes. You can write about these 25 men in your book called Quit Dating Dweebs, but maybe just one chapter for the lot of them. Now take a moment and say your goodbyes. But it's just me here. Because everyone ghosted."

Srsly, ghosting is not okay.

Caila earns some hot tub points! Plus a bonus of naked Kevin Hart. During dinner we find out that Caila has some depth to her, which makes up for their dinner table which has no depth. Seriously, they're sitting next to an actual 4-top with ample room for two plates and six wine glasses. Y'all can't make this any more believable? Come on. Then they get a private concert from Amos Lee. You can tell that Ben really is loving it because he's singing all the words to Caila. Presh. Caila gets a rose. Snaps for Caila.

Another group date, and all the girls recite the science-y spiel from the Love Lab. No one paid attention. They put everyone under a heat lamp with Ben to test their compatibility. Real scientific. 

Twins: "I dont know much about science anything."

The less hot twin actually says, “I’m not very...smart.” #shocker

Then the "scientists" make them work out WITHOUT PONYTAIL HOLDERS which completely voids this entire experiment. One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls work out with their hair down. It's infuriating and it makes me question their judgment in all areas of life. After they sweat for a bit Ben smells them to test out their pheromones. Samantha apparently smells sour :( In her defense, Ben probably meant something along the lines of "tart" but made an unfortunate word choice there. Samantha is a self-fulfilling prophecy and gets pretty sour about it. #SourPussSamantha #ew #notsorry 

Question: Did the twins get the same score? 

We learn that Shushanna came to the US from Russia with two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka.

Olivia: "If Ben is a believer in science then maybe we should take this test seriously."

Other girls: "BEN BELIEVES IN JESUS, OLIVIA. NOT SCIENCE. THOSE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. OBVIOUSLY."

Amanda the MILF reveals her surprise children. *points!* (To clarify for all you doubters, the children were revealed to Ben after the first night, and therefore were a surprise to Ben. This is a very important life detail that she concealed for at least 24 hours. +8)

But mah girl Olivia gets the rose! Cue evil mastermind music. Because later, at the cocktail party, as if she hadn't already proven herself worthy of all the points, Olivia commits The Cardinal Sin: stealing Ben for one on one time, having already received a rose for the week.

*~!gAsP!~*

Everyone gets their panties in a wad about it. HOW DARE SHE. 

Olivia, casually: "I got my time, I’m done, so everyone can have at him! Good luck, bitches."

Girls, offended: "Um, Olivia, he's not a piece of meat."

Olivia is watching Lace with an "oh honey" face while Lace talks nonsense at her. Lace reminds me of Shoshanna from Girls. Anyone?

Lace talks to Ben AGAIN and opens the convo by calling herself crazy, just giving Ben more positive reinforcement for that fact.

Ladies, get your mouths under control. <-- I forgot what made me write this note and underline it but apparently they're all doing weird things with their mouths. #luckyben

Okay Ben and the MILF make barrettes for her kids Kensley and Jarlee Yardling ohhh Charlie. Ben 100% doesn’t know what barrettes are but DAMN IT THIS IS ADORABLE. Good on ya, interns.

The rose ceremony happens (YAY) and Ben makes some predictable choices. The producers give a rose to Lace. LB is offered a rose but declines and eliminates herself (+5)! A notable first in Bachelor History. I would stipulate that they have minimal/no chemistry because she started going by a nickname from the very beginning. Immediate nickname = immediate Friend Zone. Everyone knows that. If you didn't, you're welcome. I'm so conflicted because I'm earning self-removal points but she was on my team and I had high hopes for her! Bye, LB :(

Ben eliminates Jackie (who?), Mandi the dentist, and Sour Puss Samantha.

The point breakdown per contestant:

You may want to double-check our math. We spilled Pinot on the calculator.

Check your points and your updated rosters. Smack talk your league mates. Follow us on Twitter and get in touch if you're interested in being a guest blogger!

NEXT WEEK JULIE AND I WILL BE CO-BLOGGING! TOGETHER! FROM NEW ORLEANS. I am aware of the redundancies in that sentence but my excitement precludes grammatical correctness.

It feels so good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
Co-commissioner

Continue Reading

Kaitlyn Week Nine: Bach Shit Cray

We're getting down to the wire! It's an odd week of both fantasy suites AND hometowns, an emotional roller coaster for everyone. Deep breaths, everyone. Okay. Let's resume this catfight between Nick and Shawn.

Shawn: "I just want to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I hate you and you're the worst."
Nick: "Don't hate me cause you ain't me."

Pretty anticlimactic, I have to say.

Date with Ben H. They ride horses through the Irish countryside. They are continually surprised at how tame and responsive the horses are! Even the feisty one! I'm giving Kaitlyn so much side eye right now.

They have a picnic outside a castle...fantastic setup by the interns.

Kaitlyn: "The architect of this castle is the same guy who designed Buckingham Palace! I know this because I am smart and worldly." Oh did you just pull that fun fact out of your own tiny brain, Kaitlyn? I doubt it.

Kaitlyn tells Ben they're having dinner and sexy time in that castle. He flips out a little, it's like he's never watched the show before.

They Sweater Swap before dinner.

Kaitlyn: "If all goes well, Ben and I will bone here tonight!"

Ben gives the best toasts. Heart eyes emoji. The interns prepped him well. OH OKAY BEN with the most perfect Fantasy Suite proposal response of all time. *producers high-five each other off camera*

He leaves with a backpack the next morning and is all kinds of adorable.

Date with Shawn. They go golfing, Kaitlyn makes him wear bright clothes in a HILARIOUS PRANK. Shawn keeps hitting his balls into the water, which is a great metaphor for how this whole season has gone for him. Clearly Kaitlyn's six weeks of lessons in anticipation of this very moment have paid off. She actually beats Shawn and her prize is Shawn B's body in all its naked glory. She dares him go streaking across the golf course (would make a joke about why American tourists are hated all over the world...but she's Canadian).

Shawn takes his pants off. I'm sorry, who do you think you are with that underwear? Michael Phelps?

Oh, hello.

Didn't think so. But ya still look good, Shawn. Just keep stripping, just keep stripping.

Confession: I just spent a long time looking through pictures of Michael Phelps to find just the right one. Not the worst way to spend half an hour... 

Kaitlyn pulls a Parent Trap and steals his clothes while he's putting. He chases after her and they just run around naked for a while. The best part of this whole incident is the entire crew that has to follow the action outside the frame. The boom guy, probably two different cameras, plus an intern or two, all getting a serious eyeful on this date. What a job perk!

At "dinner" they talk about The Process. Shawn continues to spew nonsense about Nick. He uses the word allegations and Corinne makes us pause so she can go take a cold shower. #vocabturnons

They bone. He leaves pretty abruptly the next morning.
Kaitlyn as Shawn walks away: "Shawn does have a great butt, but is it worth all this drama?"

Nick is waiting in the wings as Shawn leaves bonetown. But here's a question...wasn't his date in a completely different part of the country? Which poor souls had to drive him all the way to Northern Ireland so he could lean against the wall in such a formidable fashion? #BachelorInterns #unsungheroes

They have yet another verbal altercation. Afterwards, Shawn retreats to his safe room bathroom to hide his rage boner collect himself.

Side note: remember when this was supposed to be a serious confrontation?

#throwback #TouchyTony

Back to the Rose Ceremony. Before handing out roses, Kaitlyn has a mini meltdown. She turns a complete 360 degrees to avoid ugly crying on camera. Her heart is beating out of her chest, per usual. Shouldn't that be a red flag that you might be making a mistake? Just one girl's opinion.

Nick and Shawn get roses. Not surprised.

We say a sad (BUT TEARLESS?!?!) goodbye to Ben H. I was really counting on those points. Very disappointed in his lack of emotion. Can I rewind to this last weekend and audition for Ben H's Bach season? He's it for sure. A comparable exit to Jared in terms of class, but less rodent-y, better looking, more universal appeal. I mean, who didn't have a crush on Peter Brady growing up? He was the best part of the Brady Bunch. Plus Ben already knows all the Bachelor Buzzwords! Minimal prep needed.

Anyway, time for low budget fakeout hometowns...bringing the families to Utah? Seems random. But we have already seen Nick's hometown, plus if Nick and Shawn are near each other there is more potential for dramatic encounters. I see what you're doing, producers.

I can't look away

Everyone in Nick's family is crying about this situation. Poor Viall fam, they're just a nice Catholic family from Wisconsin and this show is ripping them apart.

The phrase "someone only a mother could love" was definitely coined about Nick. "My family is worried about me because I keep messing my life up on national television."

Kaitlyn to cameras: "We have insane, passionate chemistry and we can't keep our hands off each other."
Kaitlyn to family: "We have great conversation."

Nick and Mom have a nice heart to heart. They both cry. Is he normal in real life? Can't tell.

Shawn's "hometown" date is less teary. Where does Shawn get his looks from? It's clearly not his dad. Mom is inexplicably MIA. Shawn is like a little kid begging for his older sisters' approval. Pretty endearing I guess. They mostly like her.

JK I'm sure his sisters are lovely.

End of hometowns. In two weeks, we're scooping up Neil Lane and then heading to the tropics! Men Tell All is next week so no blog post. FINALLY BACK ON SCHEDULE. Thank goodness.

Even though there's only one draftee left in the league, the standings are not final. Depending on which guy gets The Final Rose, some teams may be able to overtake current leaders. This is why I love the league...gotta keep y'all on the edge of your seats! Check your standings here and see if you're still in the running.

I am not winning. 

Are you Team Nick or Team Shawn? Let us know who you're rooting for in the comments.

PREACH.

Also, don't forget to follow us on Twitter! Check us out over there on the right side column or go straight to the page to see our hilarious episode commentary. S/o to Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh, who is working hard on skyrocketing us to internet fame. She's funny.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

Continue Reading

Kaitlyn Week Seven: Cliffs of Moher and Moher Drama

Man, all the carryover drama this season is so exhausting. Just once, I would love to cap off an episode with a rose ceremony, a champagne toast, and the announcement of the next travel destination. Then open the next episode with "Tonight, on The Bachelorette..."

IS THAT SO HARD, PRODUCERS? IS IT?

Since no one this season can keep their shit together, we pick up where we left off with Shawn B having his weekly freakout. He doesn't know if he can continue with The Process.
Shawn: "Are you in love with me?"
Kaitlyn: "You can't put me on the spot like that."
Shawn: "YES OR NO?"

In her recap of the situation, Kaitlyn tells us, mid-meltdown, that Shawn was the one having a meltdown. Come on guys. Get it together.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE! I wish there were more of these. These are the best. Both people bring their own A game and simultaneously go for the kill shot with their opponent. It's brutal and beautiful. It's Bachelorette meets Gladiator. Take our suggestions seriously, ABC.

This Two-On-One features Joe versus JJ, in what JJ describes as "the most important day in my recent life." How recent are we talking, JJ? Like this week? This year? Since you broke up with Clint?

Wow Joe opens strong with possibly the most well worded Hail Mary play in Bachelor History. He knows he doesn't have much time left, so lays it all on the table and tells Kaitlyn that he's falling in love with her. I feel bad for Joe because if he cut his hair he might actually stand a chance. He just needs to find a nice southern girl who will appreciate his country boy manners. And moonshine.

During JJ's turn he drops a huge bomb and tells Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife. Did he cheat with a man? Just kidding, I know this is serious. I just have zero tolerance for cheaters and I already hated JJ to begin with so hearing this news I'm just like "oh of course you did." I don't know how he even made it this far. Bye forever, JJ. #bringbackpantsapreneur

Kaitlyn decides to send JJ home, praise Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. In what is her clearest moment of thinking yet this season, she doesn't give the rose to Joe quiiiite yet, decides she needs more time to talk. He eventually does get the rose. Yay Joe.

Back to Shawn B. So much inner turmoil. He is an emotional train wreck and the epitome of Analysis Paralysis. He has constant crazy eyes and looks like he could explode with frustration at any second.

He's back again! Shawn needs to talk to Kaitlyn and she loses it AGAIN because she thinks he knows about her boning Nick. They're both a complete mess. Much to her relief, he just wants to talk about himself and is still oblivious to the Nick situation.

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn opens with "HEY EVERYONE I MADE SOME MISTAKES THIS WEEK." This puts all the guys into a tizzy. Watching some of them squirm is fun, but Shawn and Nick are just like

uhh wut.

Uh oh now Ben H needs to talk to her. Serious face. Oh no! He's feeling self conscious about the Shawn situation. Damn, all this nonsense with Shawn is going to let everything with Nick get swept under the rug. Ugh. Also these convos go nowhere. She just makes them say words, then she gets uncomfortable and makes out with them so they don't have to keep talking.

Poor Shawn thinks Kaitlyn's "mistakes" are about him. Still no one knows she boned Nick.

Kaitlyn: "Don't tell anyone we boned."
Nick: "I didn't even say we kissed, I just said it was romantic and intimate and passionate."

She keeps saying, "I don't feel bad about Nick, I just feel bad about how it will affect my other relationships." I don't understand how she can separate and reconcile those two feelings. But can we pause for a sec? This is exactly why the Fantasy Suite exists! This show is a well oiled machine, Kaitlyn. The Process is The Process for a reason. They all messed it up by not being able to keep it in their pants and now everyone is losing their minds. Nick has an unfair advantage, Shawn thinks Kaitlyn is in love with him, it's all spiraling out of control. Let's hash this out in the comments, shall we?

#UserEngagement

Only three roses to give out tonight. Side note: Kaitlyn is way better at holding the rose than Andi was. Calling it now, Cupcake and Tanner are gone. But.....

ACK. Kaitlyn makes her third-worst decision this season (first-worst was letting Nick on the show, second-worst was sleeping with him) AND SENDS BEN Z HOME OVER CUPCAKE CHRIS. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THE BACHELORETTE ANYMORE, KAITLYN.

BEN Z NOOOOOOOOO. How is Ben Z gone but Jared is still here?! This is an outrage. Ben Z, please be the next Bachelor. Honest to Chris Harrison, I will sign up immediately. July 11 casting in Chicago, anyone??

Damnit, that was tragic. I hate to see you go, Ben Z. But I love to watch you leave.

Yes, I'm thirsty for some Ben Z

Laura L and Kristen both win wine! Ben Z was their last man standing. This show definitely self selects for drama. The guys who wear their hearts on their sleeves get all weepy when she bangs other people, but the people who have reasonable guards up and stay under the radar get cut for not being open to The Process.

Let's move ahead! We're departing Dublin and heading to the other side of the Emerald Isle to Killarney. Jared gets the first second one-on-one. <--sentence that makes perfect sense in Bach-ette world but is a complete cluster IRL. They drive to Killarney while the rest of the dude ride the bus. Shawn B snores.

Jared pulls out SO MANY cheesy one liners but they seem to be having a fun time in the car. Getting stuck in traffic is actually a great way to get to know someone so good on ya, producers. One good decision so far. They kiss the Blarney Stone.

Roadtrip

Cupcake with the comparisons again, god he's so annoying. "Killarney is old and beautiful like my soul." Go home please.

Ooh this is exciting! Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior visits Kaitlyn to impart his godly wisdom and give her some advice lay down the law. THEY'RE CHANGING EVERYTHING. Instead of 4 guys getting hometown dates, Kaitlyn has to narrow it down to 3 men this week and skip right to the fantasy suite dates. Hometowns when there are 2 left. Essentially, Kaitlyn needs to just sleep with the rest of the guys already level the playing field.

Is this the PR team intervening so save this train wreck of a season? Did Kaitlyn really already pick Shawn and, if so, is this the producers' way of speeding up the season because she wants out? A new way to slash the show's budget? So many questions.

It's like that one time they tried to change the Facebook layout!

Date with Cupcake. The fact that his nametag even says Cupcake means he's going home very soon. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. Chris is way too soft for her. They get a little bit of momentum and almost have a real conversation but then they just go back to talking about the logistics of the show, which is all anyone ever talks about. She breaks up with him. He sobs loudly and says indistinguishable words for a long time, teeters dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Kaitlyn gets in a helicopter and leaves him there. Does he jump? How does he get home? This date departure was classic, almost as good as when Ali left Kasey on a glacier in Iceland.

This actually happened.

Next week we'll find out which guys get to be sloppy seconds to Nick! Something they've all dreamed about, I'm sure. Until then, leave us a comment and share this with your friends!

Points are updated here. Every pool has at least one team that's been eliminated, so we're getting down to the final contenders! Keep up the good work, everyone.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

Continue Reading

Kaitlyn Week Six: Take a Moment, Say Your Irish Goodbyes

Get ready for another shockingly dramatic episode of The Bachelorette (their words, not mine).

We pick right back up with our boys in San Antonio. Ian is still mid hissy fit, and boy does he show his true colors. The dude had so much potential in the preseason, and he's squandering it away. Under the guise of honesty he calls her shallow and slutty, which all around is not cool. "Is humor really what you're looking for in a husband?" ...uh, chyea dude. What are you looking for? Morticia Addams? There ARE ways to tactfully say "meh, I dont think I like you like you enough" and instead he took the "you stink and I'm hangry" approach.

"I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor" "I feel like I'm destined to be the bachelor" - No, dude. If you did, you would have lasted longer in the game in the process.

"I'm tired of talking about sex all the time"..."I just need to have sex"....uhhhh, kay, byeeeeee. Thanks for the unceremonious elimination points.

It's ok, Stanley. He fooled us ALL on draft night.

Kaitlyn is sad but heroic Nick swoops in with his bowtie and saves the day. I hope you know how much it hurts me to praise Nick, but right now, I have to. The kid's got game. He comes over to Kaitlyn and says some pleasant stuff, and suddenly she's all happy again. Magic cheering up abilities are like boyfriend requirement number one numero uno (sorry, I almost forgot we are still in Texas and I need to make sure all the locals can understand this, right ABC? RIGHT?) He pulls the classic "sorry, I'm two whiskeys deep and I'm just really into you" which is how I landed in my last LTR. Smooth, bro.

Shawn B happens to catch a snippet of their makeout session. Cue handsome broody face.

Side bar: I forgot how bad Joshua's hair is from last episode. It's still soo stupid looking. He's like a puppy in the cone-of-shame, trying so hard to shit on the carpet and piss off the humans, but he's just all around hilarious to look at.

His hair is worse than that time I got a perm

Rose Ceremony at the Alamo! I wish we could give out points for "last stand" comments. Triple points for everyone if the rose ceremony takes place in the basement of the Alamo.

Joshua and Justin leave us. Who is Justin, you ask? Good question. I think the dude had like three talking heads all season. If you're going to make it five weeks earning minimal points, the least you can do for us is cry when you leave. No tears are produced by Justin, but that's ok, because Joshua cries enough for the both of them. I hope that limo swings Joshua by a Supercuts on the way to the airport.

LEAGUE UPDATES:
This rose ceremony knocks several teams out of the competition.

• In Chicago Pool #3, Team Gena thought she was in great shape with three contestants still in the game, only to lose all three in about 15 minutes. Team Gena ends the season with an underwhelming 111pts.
• In the Nashville conference, both Team MJ and Team Rachel hung up the towel thanks to Joshua and Justin's poor performance. Team MJ finished her season with 145pts and Team Rachel ended with 128pts. Better luck next season, girls.

Now, on to the next week and first international trip.

Bring on the obnoxious Ireland cliches! Part of me wants to drink at every mention of luck, leprechauns, and four leaf clovers, but I also like my functioning liver, soooo no can do.

Bring on the Guinness!

Nick gets the first foreign one-on-one. His smug smile is backdropped by all the others dudes' dagger eyes. This is great television. The two go walking through Dublin and again we get to see Kaitlyn's quirky-cute absurd fear of birds. Why would you permanently tattoo yourself with your biggest fear? It makes zero sense. I would never dream of tattooing a snake on my arm (for multiple reasons, but at least one of those reasons is that I'm scared of snakes)

OH LOOK, some completely impromptu Irish dancers. What a fantastic coincidental street perfomance. Did Nick get punched in the teeth recently? He has more of a lisp than usual, and it really wouldn't be surprising if one of the other dudes' fist accidentally fell into his upper lip. MVP of tonight's episode: all of the super uncomfortable locals in the background of Kaitlyn and Nick's makeout shots. This is why America is hated all over the world.

The date card is a limerick. Let's pause while I roll my eyes and refill my wine class.

At "dinner" Nick is wearing a square cut tie. It's better than his old scarves but it still makes me hate him with the fire of a thousand tropical Bachelor date suns. Their date is in a church, but what they're about to do is not allowed in churches. ABC, please stahhhp with the whisper subtitles. These whispering moments are filled with comments I do NOT want to hear.

Turn off the mic. TURN IT OFF.

Folks, we're finally here. We've hit the dramatic climax (heh!) of this season, according to all previews. Kaitlyn has to go and be all "I'm an adult woman in charge of my own body" on us by inviting Nick back to her hotel. Yea, ok, maybe sleeping with one dude while you're dating eight is not the most level-headed, fair choice, but it's just that: a choice. She was into him, she chose to do it, whatever. We've all had some form of one night stand, or relationship that suddenly progressed faster than we realized (except for me, Mom! Promise!). Kaitlyn's just happens to be on tape. No one died. No one was called "fake." No harm, no foul. They all are required to get STD tests before the show anyway, so really sleeping with Nick is a lot safer than picking up some dude the Hangge Uppe. There. I'm done. Let's move on.

OH SNAP, we get a nice twist. The other dudes subtly convince Nick that Shawn had already slept with Kaitlyn. The tables really turn and all of a sudden Nick's mood falls from glowing post-coital to glowering pre-temper tantrum. Remember, this is the same bro who made a big stink last season about Andi sleeping with him and not picking him...now he spends some sexy time with a girl when he has a 1/8 chance of being picked. You dug your own jealousy grave, Nick. Speaking of graves...

Today's group date is black tie optional because it's an Irish wake, for someone who is still alive. C'mon producers, there are SO MANY possible cultural cliches to go with, and you chose a morbid cocktail party with the Titanic soundtrack playing in the background? I was expecting some kind of Blarney Stone visit or Guinness factory tour. The boys are instructed to write a eulogy for Kaitlyn. Cheers to never having to listen to exes give my eulogy! Most of the guys spit great lines, and then Ben Z gets super serious. Poor Ben Z is having flashbacks to his mom's funeral...way to go with the sensitivity, ABC. Kaitlyn then calls him a Teddy bear and doesn't even makeout with him. The dude needs a hug. Ben Z, if you're reading, I'm here for ya.

To add to tonight's oddities, Jared is growing on me. Not like fungus-growing, but like Jimmy-Fallon-on-the-Tonight Show-growing. He nails his one-on-one time with K-money. I never thought I would call him charming, but I was wrong. So wrong, in fact: he gets the group date rose and the first live band. Snaps for Jared, and snaps for The Cranberries coming out of retirement to play their one hit song in a church for two people who are slow dancing with their mouths the whole time.

Meanwhile, Shawn B finally cracks and forgets that his mic still works while he talks to his assigned producer. Apparently ABC declined to show us some time when Kaitlyn and Shawn stayed up talking all night and he finally realizes that there are ten whole episodes to a season. Shawn keeps professing his love for her (although no points are earned, since he is not speaking to her and no actual crying is shown). Homeboy goes to her hotel room to interrupt her dinner and talk to her. She's panicking because a) she doesn't have makeup on yet **GASP** and b) he's delaying the only food she's allowed to actually eat all day.

No rose ceremony, AGAIN, but next week looks like a real tear-doozey. Maybe next week's episode will even out the balance of things and we'll get a rose ceremony at the END of the episode, instead of the beginning. Everyone earn some good karma and say your prayers to Chris Harrison, our lord and savior.

Props to Mary Clare again for holding down Twitter. Also, props to Rob for dropping his first "vis a vis" argument of the season via text.

If you survived this week's eliminations, check out your point standings. Are you cheering for a particular guy to survive or crash and burn? Let us know who in the comments.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

Continue Reading

Kaitlyn Week Four: Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made...By Chris Harrison

A NEW DRAMATIC EPISODE! We really need a previously on The Bachelorette at the beginning here, I need a refresher on what's happening. So many points awarded in these first 10 minutes, all of which go toward last week's episode. Clint is "making some power moves" or, from Kaitlyn's POV, "about to go down in flames." I wish I could type "about" in a Canadian accent. 

Kaitlyn breaks up with Clint, and he's mostly just sad about having to leave JJ. 

Clint: "JJ...me and him have become best best best friends. Like we are very very very very close."

Kaitlyn: "You can't sit with us."

Music so ominous. I want to be friends with the score composer.

They go back to the party to announce that Clint is going home. Normally they send the unceremoniously rejected ones home without any parting goodbyes, but the producers clearly love us so they're fueling this fire. Upon hearing the news JJ starts crying, but then makes an unexpected move and he also breaks up with Clint! Holy crap so much bro-trayal happening. This breakup is no longer about Kaitlyn and the secret lovers take their spat out into the hallway (big points for this extreme verbal altercation).

Betrayal - bro betrayal - brotrayal?

JJ: "You don't know how much this hurts me."

Clint: "How dare you BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. I was only half a virgin when I met you."

JJ: "I told you stuff I've never told anyone before."

Clint: "Hey that tie goes really good with your shirt. F*** you. BYE FELICIA." (Clearly they helped each other get dressed today)

The next few minutes become the JJ show. 

JJ to camera: "I will defend Clint to the day I die until Kaitlyn sends him home and I have to find a new house husband." 

He retreats to the moonlit balcony and sobs about losing Clint and actually gets in a physical altercation with himself! A punch to his own face followed by various curses. Props to the sound guys for JJ's well-placed collar mic. Really felt like I was right up in there for that hit. Punches are so rarely thrown on the show, so JJ definitely gets points for this self-mutilation. Pull yourself together, man.

Move on, dude.

Dun dun dunnnn rose ceremony cancelled! Roses for everyone!

We're already traveling now? Guess the budget is higher since they saved so much money on Chris' season staying in South Dakota the whole time. We're off to the Big Apple. 

The first group date is rap battling with "The World's Greatest Entertainer"...Doug E Fresh. Very disappointed it's not R Kelly. What does the E stand for? I hope it's something super nerdy like Earl or Eugene. 

Do all these white people in the crowd even know who Doug E Fresh is? They're cheering louder for Kaitlyn than they are for him. We see a blurry, foreboding shot of Nick V lurking in the back of the crowd with Ashley I the crazy slut virgin! I wonder if she's still a virgin. 

Okay some of these guys really pulled it out in the battles. Corey with an E finally has a personality. Shawn B is swoon worthy as always. Justin actually was dece too, minus the 90s butt-cut hairdo.

Drop the mic, boys...no seriously, drop it and never touch it again.

Nick V makes his grand entrance and asks if he can be on the show. They're making out within 30 seconds. She says maybe. Apparently they have undeniable chemistry. Good thing they've built such a solid foundation/7 tweets back and forth. The other guys get wind of the situation and are not happy about it. They bring up good questions about her not being confident in the options she already has (remember, they're still on the group date. awkwardddd).

Justin stands up to say to everyone that it's okay if Nick comes back. Such a power play to get the rose and it worked.

Back at the house, some intern puts them all on a couch to bro out and have a spontaneous chat about the drama. Obviously won't be promoted to junior producer, pull another couch over and don't make them same side! Amateur. But really there is so much Nick drama I can't even keep all these conversations straight anymore.

"I miss Tony." -Brittany Ross, Chicago Conference #2 

OMG Ashley S is back! But this is not the Ashley S we know and love. Can't decide if Old Ashley S was on drugs or if New Ashley S is... Either way she gives advice to Kaitlyn while pretending to do her hair. We know it's fake because Kaitlyn left the salon with a side braid.

Kaitlyn is in SUCH a difficult situation, with guys flying across the country trying to date her. I just can't identify with that problem. If I were the Bach-ette, here's how it would work. Everyone would get out of the limo and introduce themselves. After I meet everyone, I go into the house. They've all disappeared without a trace, except maybe one who doesn't know the difference between apart and a part.

The single life.

One-on-one date with...Jared the rodent/hawk with facial hair that's constantly askew. 

K is wearing special ABC-endorsed Neil Lane diamonds! Making an early appearance this season, usually we don't see him until the proposal.

Okay Jared looks semi-decent in his tux and in this lighting. They brought in a facial hair specialist to help him out. WHAT UGH CHRIS HARRISON GAVE THE FIRST HELICOPTER RIDE TO JARED?! Feeling betrayed by Our Lord and Savior. Jared gets a rose.

Group date on Broadway, promoting Aladdin this year instead of a new Disney film. It worked, because it subconsciously influenced our .gif selection.

According to Kaitlyn, Aladdin is the perfect love story. So basically she is looking for a street rat who lies about his identity so the girl will fall in love with him. Aladdin is not there for the right reasons.

These guys need to work on their jazz hands. 

The only thing we learn during this date is that Chris is a little bit tone deaf and a lotta bit gay. Somehow he scores the solo date. Joe and Ben H are adorably salty in the back row together. Chris and Kaitlyn perform stand silently in the show, he gets the rose and a lame kiss.

Kaitlyn: "That guy has heart and I think he would make a great husband for another man."

PS "having heart" is basically the kiss of death on this show. He won't last much longer.

WE DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE ROSE CEREMONY THIS WEEK THIS IS BS. I am livid. This is really screwing up our point system.

I feel personally victimized by ABC

You can check your standings here, though it's not totally up to date since The Process is all whack now. 

Will Nick V be accepted by The Bachelors? Will they revolt? Leave us your thoughts (and some love) in the comments. Feel free to share these posts too! Julie made it super easy for you with little icons down below. Also, we're on Twitter now. Follow us @RosesToRiches.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Commissioners

Continue Reading

Kaitlyn Week Three: Villains Gonna Vill

Annnnnd we're back. We're continuing last week's To Be Continued episode, which I'm still salty about. Kupah is still drangry and yelling at Elan (yes, first name basis with Producer Numero Uno). Kaitlyn overhears and scolds him. He retracts back into his turtle shell and resembles a petulant 5-year-old afraid of its mother. "FINE. I won't yell anymore, mom." Once she steps away, his ego kicks back in and he's all "I didn't like her anyway" and the whole thing is over. Not the blaze of glory we all hoped for. I waited a week for this interaction; I was hoping it'd be something more, and not just a reenactment of all my relationship arguments ever. At least he earned some points for an unceremonious elimination and making her cry. Love it when they go down swinging.

Finally, we get our rose ceremony. She boots off Cory-No-E and Daniel. No surprises there.

Now we move on to the actual week three, and it starts out pretty heavy (LITERALLY! ha). The schtick this week is sumo wrestling! ABC was able to cast the heaviest Japanese person ever (<-- actual thing they said. He is 600lbs.) to teach the men sumo-basics. Unfortunately, ABC still employs their trusty censorship box operator, so we didn't get to see all the man tushy that was on screen. I mostly feel bad for the cameramen. Country Bumpkin Joe didn't fasten his diaper thong properly and had a little more showing the entire time, so let's hope Elizabeth's future sunscreen intern was also on the call sheet.

The men, who almost all still have black eyes from last week's aggression fun date, "wrestle" in the form of bumping, grinding, and diaper grabbing. So many sexual jokes were made, including something about a dong show and mushing of man meat.

Things we learn about Touchy Tony:

1. He love his bonzai trees most in life and hates violence
2. He has the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy
3. He sees the world through the eyes of a child
4. He enjoys taking dates to the zoo and imitating the elephants
5. He is a sore loser

We also learn that JJ loves Japanese culture, like sushi and... that's really it.

Youths.

During Tony's turn he tickles the sumo guy instead of actual fighting. Sumo giggles like a 5-year-old Asian Santa Claus and tosses Tony out of the ring like a rag doll. Tony then throws a temper tantrum about it. Frankly, I missed a lot of it because my viewing party was busy discussing his visible moose knuckle (educate yourself here). Tony, dude, you're attempting to get yourself kicked off while in a man thong. Contestants have hit low points on this show before, but I really think we're witnessing a rock bottom.

The men go do some more touching in front of an audience. Clint goes all Hulk and takes it too seriously. Apparently he was a wrestler in college, which might explain some of his later behavior involving shirtlessness and male bonding.

Touchy Tony leaves the show and earns some unceremonious elimination points. I hope a producer gave him Ashley S's number on the way out.

Pardon my french here, but all the dudes on this date are so butt-hurt. It makes sense, because it's like the second week of grownup sleepaway camp when exhaustion, hangover, and homesickness set in, but it's annoying anyway. Shawn B gets the group date rose and also 10 points for being the first to say he's "falling for Kaitlyn." We all swoon.

Next up is a one-on-one date with Ben Z who, as Kaitlyn so accurately described, is a babe-soda. They go on a TERRIFYING Saw-themed date supposedly set up by Chris Harrison. They are locked in a horrifying room with live creatures and they have to find clues for the code to get out. When I say terrifying, I mean it. A live scorpion? Snakes? I had to keep my eyes closed this whole segment. I've had this nightmare before, and it ended in a Monday morning staff meeting. All I know is that the password was "Roses" and now I have to change the password for all accounts associated with this blog. Thanks ABC. I would not have judged either of them if they had peed their pants...I know I would have when I saw the LIVE SNAKES. One thing I most certainly did judge for, however, is Kaitlyn's fear of birds. Look, I get it, pigeons are absolutely disgusting, but she has TWO bird tattoos permanently on her body? Why would you do that if you have a fear of them? Whyyyyyyyy.

Me during this whole date.

Once that's over, Ben Z gets his date time, and he's all cute and rose-deserving. Yay. Ben Z is top notch. He's literally everyone's type. Even Rob said he's gay for Ben Z.

The third date of the night is another group adventure. The men are required to teach children (concerningly young child actors, to be specific) the birds and the bees. This proves to be difficult because Joshua learned all of his sex ed from watching their cows back on the farm. Considering my mother was my middle school sex ed teacher (shout out to Mama Sutton!), I have little sympathy for the men's claims of feeling awkward. Ben H steps up and shows the group how it's done (LITERALLY AGAIN! Ha!) He gives an adorably accurate description of baby making [insert babymaking-with-me joke here...you can stop reading now, Mama] and makes all of us swoon at his charisma. Obviously he's going to know the ins and outs of sex...he went to IU ZING. Ben H gets the group date rose.

He's not wrong.

On to the cocktail party. Can we address the homoeroticism in the room? Clint and JJ are all about each other and it's the secondary storyline to the whole episode. I know that they're joking, but they're joking a little too calmly, and I'm not sure I like that they're joking about being gay. I love too many gays to let idiots on reality television make fun of them. Naming the episode Brokeback Bachelor not only insults my gay best friends, but it also insults Heath Ledger, which we can all agree is NEVER ok. JJ plays the Bach game and at least pretends to like Kaitlyn, but Clint goes as far to say that he only wants to stay because of JJ. He actually says "I'm not into Kaitlyn." JJ and Clint form an alliance to piss off everyone around them and help each other win. Newsflash: this is not Survivor. Anyone who might mistake Chris Harrison for Jeff Probst can just gtfo right now.

Villains Gonna Vill.

Meanwhile, plenty of men are taking their turn drunkenly making out with Kaitlyn, pleading for her to keep them. Several dudes get points for warning her that C+JJ are there for the wrong reasons. She storms over to find Clint (and for some reason, only Clint) and tell him off...

ANOTHER STUPID TO BE CONTINUED. SCREW YOU ABC. We have a structure for our point keeping and you're totally throwing it off. We can only include the Emperor's New Groove .gif so many weeks in a row. Next week we'll have another rose ceremony in the first 10 minutes (30 minutes, if you include commercials)

My groove is still off, ABC. STILL.

Points and rosters have been updated.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

Continue Reading

Kaitlyn Week Two: Fly Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bach

Thank goodness we're getting back to some normalcy in week two. We're backdown to one bachelorette, she's having a chatty brunch with Chris Harrison, and all is right in the world. Surprisingly, she's not staying in Chris Soules' rustic cabin at the end of the Bach House driveway. Maybe they thought the outdoor shower would tempt the cameramen...or maybe they were worried she too would discover the backlot betting ring (#throwbacktoAshleyS)

After Kaitlyn's little "yay me" chat, we see the guys hanging out in the Bach House. Here's my big question: Why are they telling each other who they are voting for?! Guys, consider some strategy play. You met these dudes less than 24 hours ago, and don't think they're going to use that great little sabotage tidbit when they most need it? What is this, amateur hour? You're all bro-y now but in two days you're going to be all "I'm not here to make friends." Trust me. This ain't our first rodeo.

First up, we get a group date. Some ambitious junior producer said, "hey, I know how to bring out their aggression, AND feature a former DWTS participant, AND put our on-call medics to good use....BOXING!" Whoever you are, junior producer, we thank you. You get a promotion. During these boxing workouts, Kupah is way more into boxing than into Kaitlyn and I'm way more into Kupah's body than writing this blog.

ANYWAY, the boxing matches are brutal and also make no sense. Somehow against all odds and logic, Jared makes it to the final round, where he gets pummeled. Regardless, he's the first contestant to require medical attention! Thanks for taking one for the team...quite literally. Those five points are totally worth your concussion.

On the calm portion of the date, Ben Z comes out of the gate sprinting into his heartbreaking story. Some of the other dudes start sharing their feelings. Justin shows off his resting douche face. Jared swings by on his way home from the hospital, and for some totally unexplainable reason, she's into him. They kiss and I pour myself more wine. She gives Ben Z the date rose and makes out with everyone else as a consolation prize.

Clint gets the first one-on-one date. As Kaitlyn points out, any man who draws Chris Harrison on a triceratops deserves a one-on-one. We agree, girl. They go to do an underwater photoshoot which they say is "all the rage." To me, it looks like a great way to ruin a thousand dollar gown and get swimmers ear in the process. He gets a rose.

 ^^ The result of my last underwater photoshoot ^^

Meanwhile, back at the house, Touchy Tony goes on a rant about non-violence and love. Yes, Touchy Tony is the one with a black eye. Am I missing something? He keeps spewing some "I need a supportive girl" nonsense and he then REFERS TO HER AS BRITT BY ACCIDENT. Homeboy is some fat that needs to be trimmed. All the other dudes agree with me.

The second group date involves standup comedy, Amy Schumer, and JJ's obnoxious ego. Some standouts: Chris the Dentist and Joshua the Welder. A not-so-surprising failure: Touchy Tony. later on, after a few make outs, JJ gets the rose. He looks like an awful kisser.

"But we're all special butterflies, guys" - Tony

Finally, we're at cocktail party time. JJ snags her first, even though he already has a rose. That's a big Bachetiquette no-no. So much so that Touchy Tony and Kupah get all antagonistic and JJ is now the villain of the house. Is anyone else reminded of Ben from a few seasons back? I miss JJ the Pantsapreneur. Can we organize a trade?

Ian sneaks her away for some good chit-chat time. I'm diggin it. She's diggin it. You keep doing you, Ian.

Kupah tries to "be honest' with her, but it sounds a little more like fishing for compliments. He does address race in that he doesn't want to be the "token black guy." Once again, I'm ashamed that we count minority points, and ashamed that minorities on the Bachelor/ette are such a novelty. Unfortunately for him, he goes mouthing off to the other guys within earshot of Kaitlyn and she decides to send him packing. He gets confrontational with the producers and...

TO BE CONTINUED.

Are you serious, ABC? What happened to the guaranteed rose ceremonies every episode? YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT.

Welp. we have no rose ceremony this week, but at least Britt and Brady are happy, I guess. I wouldn't want to date either of them, so at least they have each other. Points from this week and next will be grouped together as "Episode 2" because without a rose ceremony, did the episode really happen?

Happy Merlot Monday and Terrible Tuesday everybody.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

Continue Reading