Kaitlyn Finale: Shine Bright Like a Neil Lane Diamond

We finally leave the land of boring "hometowns" and head back to Los Angeles. The peanut gallery is berating both Shawn and Nick for being such whiny little bitches about each other. Seriously, will it ever stop? And then, in the midst of the suitcase packing montage, as if sent from Chris Harrison above, Shawn bends over.

Silence from the peanut gallery.

I'll just wait for Shawn right here.

Dat ass doe.

Kaitlyn's family comes all the way from Canada to meet these two dudes, one of whom will be part of their lives for the foreseeable future forever. She tells them first aboot Nick, and aboot how they boned super early, oopsies! Then when he arrives and right before they go in she's all, "Oh yeah by the way, they know we had sex on the first date." What a way to make a first impression. Throwing him to the lions!

Kaitlyn needs a haircut, those split ends are killer. It must be from her recent dye job.

Nick doesn't fit on the couch!! How incredibly awkward. He also talks behind his hands which just screams DON'T TRUST ME.

Nick would fail at trust falls.

Kaitlyn says her relationship with Nick is intense. But wait a minute...I thought it was in cabins! (Hi Julie)

I packed all wrong.

K's mom is skeptical about Nick. They sit down for a spontaneous heart to heart. WOW omg so many man tears from Nick and a complete 180 from the mom. I think Nick sheds more man tears in this conversation than all other men in Bachelor History combined. She loves him what the heck.

Mom: "I saw you last season. You were arrogant. Are you surprised you've made it this far?"
Nick: "NOPE! Cause I'm awesome."

Nick gets the blessing from the dad.

Well played, kid.

Shawn's turn! He comes bearing flowers and moonshine. Even a gift for the sister's kids! He's winning so far.

Mom: "I have a question for you. I already asked this of The Other Guy."
Shawn: "Gonna stop you right there... Knucks."
Mom: "I just need to know. Are my eyelashes too out of control?"

Mom talks to Shawn about Nick because that's the most important thing of all time in all relationships ever. She basically tells Shawn in so many words that Kaitlyn is a sloot and he just has to deal. Also she cries at the drop of a hat. Like mother, like daughter I guess.

The fam is #TeamShawn. He talks to Dad for a bit, then makes the power move and brings in Mom for the asking for hand in marriage. They say yes to him too.

You have our blessing! And YOU have our blessing! AND YOU have our blessing!

Nick's final date on a boat. They snog and talk about their families getting together at a bbq. That seems legit. But overall Nick's date is not going great. She seems to be pulling back from him. They keep reminiscing and talking about nothing special.

Nick: "I got you a gift, it's in my pants bedroom."

Oh lord, it's poetry. Nope nope nope. He can't even get artistry as a form of flattery points here ughhhhh! She looks like she feels guilty about this gift, like she's leading him on by accepting it.

Shawn's final date at a winery. We learn that Shawn has a sunscreen intern! There's hope for me on the show after all! That was the only thing holding me back...signing up now.

Shawn gives really good toasts too. Did he and Ben H take Toastmasters together?

They sit in the winery and talk for a while, and this happens:

Kaitlyn makes Shawn a little nervy because she's incapable of expressing her emotions (I feel your pain, girlfriend). But they talk it out and have an adorable conversation about their future together.

Shawn gives her a memory jar. She's noticeably more excited and touchy with him than she is with Nick. Gosh darn it they are so cute together. #ItIsDecided

Neil Lane's here! Good to see you, man. Welcome back. Nick and Shawn pick out rings from a predetermined, Bach-ette approved selection.

IT IS TIME.

Damn, Shawn looks freakin SHARP. Not many men can wear a suit like he can. Juxtapose that beautiful specimen with a shot of Nick getting ready with puka shell bracelets. No contest. Take those off, you are 34 years old!

Wait, the proposal is happening at the house?? The budget is getting SLASHED this season. This is lame.

Remember Bali? Or the Caymans? Or all of those beach places?

Who's getting the boot?? The anxiety is killing me! The driveway is gleaming so beautifully, how long did the interns have to hoard their leftover shower water to make that cement so wet? #droughtproblems

Nick's limo arrives first. Once second best, always second best. She lets him say a whole spiel but then stops him before he gets down on one knee. She should've ended it earlier and not let him talk. Poor guy. They have one of the most legit breakups ever on the show. That was for real. He seemed legitimately mad and hurt and they actually talked about real things.

Tossing the Neil Lane box and then the Claddagh ring. Such a statement. Sorry, Nick V. Looks like a classic case of Other Guys Finish Last.

Maybe next season, champ.

Okay but for real she looks so much happier with Shawn. You can see it in her eyes. Shawn wins the Final Rose, Kaitlyn's heart, and 40 POINTS! They seem happy. Good for them. Roses to Riches wishes you all the best.

And just like that, it's over. Our 5th season has come to a close. Congrats to our winners! In the Chicago Conference, Never Gonna Win Corinne ran away with it and ended up with an incredible 313 points. Competitive Clare had Shawn on her team and jumped two spots to second place, bumping Elizabeth's Team of Calloused Up Weinies to third and pushing Julie's Jerks off the podium.

Chicago Conference #2 was a tight race to the end. Maddie took first place with 243! Audrey's Angsty Assholes finished in a close second with 237 points. League newcomer Sara took third with 205.

In Chicago Conference #3, Shannon finished first with 293 points. Jenna trailed a bit behind but took second with 208 points. Emily came in third with 159.

Finally, we can't forget about our Nashville Conference! Wurzy's Weiners scored the number one spot with 296 points, followed by Team Catherine: Dem Boiz with 250 and then Caitmen with 241.

Cheers to this year's winners.

Well played, everyone. This was a great season. The producers definitely threw us for a few loops but we all came out stronger and drunker at the end of it. Here's to true love and eternal happiness. And wine.

Enjoy Bachelor in Paradise. See you this winter for #BenHforBachelor.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

POST SCRIPT:
We would be remiss not to mention the debt of gratitude we owe to our new Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh. Her wit each week was remarkable and we are so excited to have her as part of the Roses to Riches team. Thank you, MC!!! Register on time next season and you'll get to play :)

An example of her fine dedication to the league