Ben H Finale: Jamaican Me Love You

Final week, Baches. This rose is for the whole kit and caboodle. Some of you ended the night as winners, the rest of you ended the night just as bored as you started. Speaking for myself, I ended the night $20 poorer with a nasty case of merlot mouth.

This episode was brought to you by Producers Choice Waterproof Mascara! The only brand that will keep your smoky eye on point through your worst public heartbreak. More on that later.

Both contestants must be using paraffin wax-based makeup, because DAYUM.

This week takes us to...jk we're still in Jamaica. Did someone leave an expensive straightener in the hotel or something, because I feel like this is the first time ABC has repeated the same locale twice in a season. Maybe the producers just wanted another hit of that Jamaican Kush to get through this snoozer of a season. Whatever the reason, Sandals Resort is getting all kinds of screen time and making me never want to go there ever.

The first 40 minutes of the episode feel like a loop of the same interviews.
"I never expected the producers to make me profess my love to two people" - Ben
"This is, like, crazy" - Lauren B
"Does this neon bikini make me look thirsty?" - Jojo
"You're immature and embarrassing" - Ben's mother
Repeat these quotes infinitely and you've written a transcript of the episode.

Ben LOVES lamp.

Lauren B gets the first parents-on-one date. She tells them how it's embarrassing, but she's been waiting “since their first date” to meet his parents, which isn't that weird because a) that first date was about a month ago and b) meeting the parents means you're winning, and no one auditioned for this show hoping to lose. She's using the classic power move of calling his parents by their first names, which is something I will be terrified of until the day I die. Srsly y'all, I dated a guy for five years and still referred to his mom as Mrs. Loser-face (real names have been replaced for privacy purposes.) Parents are scary.

Post parent date Lauren and Ben get all snuggly. My watch party is convinced of Ben's sincerity. Lauren throws in some added value to her worth by saying she'll, like, TOTALLY say yes if he proposes.

Luv ya, Courtney!

Next up Jojo meets the parents. Her bouquet for Mama Higgins is far inferior in size and floral variety, sealing her fate as second place. I don't know about you, but ABC spilled ALL the suspense beans with that props department plant. Jojo must know it too because she spends the whole time groveling and begging his parents to like her. It's unpleasant.

Sidebar, can we start having the potential in-laws meet? I’d love to see Mama Higgins hardcore judging Mama Jojo. Or, plot twist, maybe Mrs. Higgins and Jojo Sr. would become best drinking buddies. Either way, I think the week after hometowns ABC adds an episode where the parents are locked in a house where they stop being polite and start getting real (sidebar-squared, did I just come up with the Nick at Night version of the Real World? Viacom, call me to discuss).

According to Ben's mom:

Lauren = polished.

Jojo = more in love with you than you are her.

Both great qualities. Flip a coin. Either way you're still a disappointment.

Mama Higgins wondering why Ben couldn't find a nice non-television girl.

More of the same Ben talking head:
"Blah blah blah I'm so torn, they're both pretty, blah"
We get it, you’re torn. You don’t love one more than the other and you’ll never totally be satisfied because you’ll always think “what if?” We get it.

Both girls get final dates including boats and bikinis. They're both throwing all their Hail Mary passes and we're sitting here wondering just HOW these kids are so bad at communicating. Yea, they're barely old enough to rent a car, but they all went to college. They should be able to verbalize their thoughts on practical life decisions.

“Like, its crazy. I’m, like, at peace with you. Like, I like-you like you but, like, I don’t know. I’m, like, emotional about it.” You’re making millennials look bad and causing me to finish my bottle of wine faster than usual. 

Jojo comes through with the saddest moment of the night: “He’s my best friend. This is the best relationship I've ever been in." Let's deep dive into how heartbreaking this is, shall we?
a) You met him a month ago. Do you not have any girlfriends? PSA to men: NEVER trust a girl without girlfriends. It's a sign of serious crazy.
b) Sucks to be Chad, lawlz.
c) This man is dating someone else at the same time he is dating you. You're saying that this boy who is effectively cheating on you (granted, with permission) is more devoted to you than ANY other guy you've ever been with? You need to have a sit down with Dr. Chris Harrison, our Lord, Savior and Therapist, to discuss making better choices. Luckily, you're going to have that chance.

Turns out this is the perfect visual representation of Jojo's love life.

Jojo's also a little quick to throw out the "baaaabbbbe" title. There are few things I dislike more than this pet name.

Ok, sorry team. I'll try to be a little more positive about Jojo and the current sitch. I'll put my cynicism in the recycling bin with the wine bottles I've already finished. See above for detail.

I will award some mental brownie points to Jojo for confronting him at the end of the last night. She straight out asks him if he's choosing her. Eyes are rolled (you go girl!) and shit is called out. She pulls him into a bathroom stall for privacy [insert half-baked joke about my typical first dates] and the convo gets real. He tells her all about his feelings for Lauren. They proceed to sob and whine about how they don’t like the rules they signed up for.

Flash forward to a visit from every girls' best friend: Neil Lane, the Keeper of the Diamonds. Neil Lane probably pays more in sponsorship per year than I’m going to make in forever, but boy do I love seeing him. Take note, Manwich. This is how TV sponsorship is done right!

Ben picks a ring and a girl. Oh goody!

The Losercopter arrives and it's.............. JOJO.

She knows it's over almost immediately due to his lack of smiling. According to Kelly, he looks dead in the eyes. Sun's too high for a proposal, Jojo. You should have expected this.

In typical soul crushing fashion, ABC lets her finish her closing argument before the traditional dumping. I wish he could just shake his head when she opened the helicopter door so we could spare ourselves some emotions. De-heel and run away, girlfriend.

He does the ceremonious Dumping of the Other. She goes home with some class. Chad, if you're reading, now's your chance to pounce.

Ben takes a minute or two to get over it. Pan to his sweaty back and bad case of swass. They toss an ice pack down his pants (this isn't hyperbole) and on to the next one.

Prior to the Winnercopter's arrival, Ben makes all traditional gals swoon and all modern gals cringe. He calls Lauren's dad for proposal approval. This adorable/chauvinistic act causes folks at my watch party to crack with emotions. Thankfully, I held on to my stoicism strong. 

The proposal happens. Ben and Lauren are all kinds of cute. They say some super adorable stuff to convince us that love is real (I'm still on the fence about that one.) Quote of the night: “I want to wake up every morning and kiss you ON THE FACE." As opposed to where, Benny Boy? Despite all my wishes, they throw in some cheesy "you're my person" lines that reek of ABC self promotion.

TGIT is the real winner here.

And that's that. They walk off into their sunset backdrop.

Great season, league members! And big deal here, for the first time drafting the winner on your team DID NOT guarantee a place on the RtR podium! Several teams that drafted Lauren B landed in fourth or fifth place. Proof is in the non fat pudding, folks; balance your team with winners and crazies.

Keep an eye out for details on next season. Important: Roses to Riches WILL NOT be handling the cash money next season (it's screwing with our personal budgeting) so once Jojo's promo starts running, get your own pools together and make your own financial obligation choices. We'll still handle score keeping, but y'all are old enough to gamble on your own.

This is what all my dreams are made of.

Send us feedback for game improvements or new categories!

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Commissioner

WINNERS' CIRCLE

Chicago Winners

Team Maggie B.
Team Rachel P.
Team Shari: The Mascara Runners (also my fav name, beeteedubs)
Team Alex + Joanne
Team Kellie K.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Mary Clare (2nd); Team Audrey: Ben's Batshit Bitches (3rd)
Team Anne H. (2nd); Katie's Klassy Ladies (3rd + wine!)
Team Brittany: Emergency Fantasy Suite (2nd + wine!); Team Lora: The Rose Ceremony is Cancelled (3rd)
Team Jason L. (2nd); Team Rachel B. (3rd)

Honorable mention goes to Gaslight Pub.

Nashville Winners

Team Emily
Team K. Fockler

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Zach (2nd); Team Catherine (3rd)
Team Morgan (2nd); Team K. Skinny (3rd)

Lexington Winners

Team Simon

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Rachel (2nd); Team Ben (3rd)

New York City Winners

Team Courtney S.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Anna S. (2nd); Team Winny H. (3rd)

Hoes in Different Area Codes

Team Laura + Kelly

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Laura P. (2nd); Team Allee (3rd)

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Ben H Week Nine: If You Choose to Forgo Your Individual Dignities...

I’m taking back the blog reins this week! I have missed it so much. Guest bloggers, you were so wonderful and you did a fantastic job and I am so grateful. But I have to admit I was feeling dethroned by my own empire. It was unsettling. SO I’M BACK. But don't call it a comeback.

This week's episode has a lot of meat to it (heh). What/who will go down in the fantasy suites? Who will Ben say “I love you” to? Will Caila deliver on her Sex Panther promises?

Speaking of Caila, I do need to make one major clarification. There has been some confusion as to whether or not Caila is a minority and should be earning points for her Filipino heritage. It was a gray area because the category originated as “Black Guy Points” before ABC started to diversify their diversity. After much debate among the commissioners, it has been decided that Caila is indeed a minority. The RtR qualification for minority is whether the person would check something other than “white” when filling out the census. Since we had not been awarding minority points thus far, this week we will award all 40 minority points Caila should have earned in Weeks 1 through 8. Roses to Riches sincerely apologizes for any inconvenience, disappointment or outrage this may cause.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way (or unpleasantries, depending on how you drafted), let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.

The peanut gallery is debating the hotness of Ben. Group consensus: he’s hot but approachable. Elizabeth and Sam consensus: he is a flawless human specimen. We learn that Rob S. knows three straight women who don’t find him attractive at all. They can see themselves out.

Exotic locations! Jamaica! Ben needs to be wearing white linen pants and nothing else, pls and thx.

Caila gets the first date. Question: would you rather be first or last during Fantasy Suite week? Pros and cons to both. I would say first, for a variety of reasons. Discuss in the comments.

Ben: "Will I be able to get below the clothes surface of Caila?"
Producer: "Probs."

Caila reiterates that her biggest fear is that she can’t love. I don’t think she realizes that she sounds like a character on Criminal Minds. And not in a good way, like the love interest of SSA Derek Morgan. She is the sociopath serial killer. Guess the apples in that family don't fall far from the tree.

Derek, you slay me.

Caila and Ben have nothing to talk about on their bamboo float ride through the lazy river of Jamaica. Really bodes well for their future together.

They get to the second part of the date and suddenly Caila is Ben's chattiest friend. She's been holding in words all day and now she’s just vomiting them at Ben in the most uncomfortably staged conversation.

Caila: "I can't love anyone but when I'm with you I feel happy and my gut tells me I'm wrong but I love you question mark?"
Ben: "Can we get to the sex part now?"

Seriously, what just happened? When Caila talks she does a bunch of 180s and somehow ends up facing the right direction. Ben can only focus on the sex jaguar panther. He hands her the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it.

And then, Ben gives her a look that sends women and gay men across America into a tizzy and in need of a cold shower. I don't think I have words to suffice. Only gifs. We rewound it many many times, and I've immortalized it here for you. You're welcome.

LOOK AT HIS HUNGRY EYES. Game over.

We can assume they boned since that's obviously the only reason Caila is still here. There's no way he can actually like her. She is an ABC-manufactured Bachelor robot with the fatal flaw of not being able to love. Back to the drawing board, interns. Rework that prototype.

[Probably a few hours later...]

Lauren walks weird. It looks like she's chafing, which is unfortunate. Plus it's super hot in Jamaica so her inner thighs are probably on fire, and not in the fun way.

Lauren and Ben release baby turtles into the ocean!!! This is so precious. The turtles are cute as can be, Ben and Lauren are smitten with each other and the turtles, and did we already talk about how cute the turtles are? They're teeny tiny and so excited to swim! My ovaries are freaking out right now.

They have a serious conversation.
Ben: "I cried in front of your sister." 
Lauren: "Ya I know she told me lol"

They have a "you're too good for me" // "no, YOU'RE too good for ME" conversation, which is a marginally more mature version of "you hang up first" // "no YOU hang up first!" 

Lauren says I love you to Ben. And he says it back! She looks pretty surprised. Probably because the entire time up until now they've all been BEGGING Ben for some real affection and he has been very diplomatic about it. Guess now all bets are off. They are cute together. At this point the competition is Lauren's to lose. 

Sidebar: Sandals Resort is getting more screen time than Chris Harrison which I feel is very disrespectful to Our Lord and Savior.

In the morning Ben makes Lauren breakfast brings in the tray of room service ordered by the interns. He calls her honey. 

FML.

Ominous clouds before Jojo's date.

Jojo baby talks to Ben and it’s very unappealing. Better than baby talking to dogs, though. 

Second sidebar. PSA: If you have a dog and a Y chromosome, baby talk is off the table. Talk to your dog like a damn man. If your voice gets higher than mine and your words are unintelligible, you need to reevaluate your strategy immediately. [This sentiment reflects the feelings of one person and not the thoughts and opinions of the Roses to Riches organization as a whole (i.e. Julie's cool with it.)]

[More hours and sexy times later...]

Jojo gets a nudity censorship box! Jojo says I love you. Ben says I love you! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Jojo (computer keeps correcting this to mojo) looks genuinely surprised to hear that Ben loves her. Ben's going completely rogue on the Bachelor franchise rules.

Jojo: "Are you allowed to say that?"
Ben: "Well I already said it to Lauren sooooo..."

Mojo and Lauren both think they're winning this thing. I vote Jojo for next Bachelorette! It would make sense because there have been rumblings about a "more diverse" Bach-ette and before Jojo’s mom was plastic, Jojo's mom was Persian (shoutout to Persians). Something to think about.

Ben doesn’t say I love you as emphatically to Jojo as he does to Lauren. 

Jojo: "I love you a lot." 
Ben: "I love you I’M SORRY I'M ABOUT TO BREAK YOUR HEART."

These people read the fantasy suite date card as if they have no idea what it's going to say. Corinne knows this date card by heart. 

I pledge allegiance to the rose of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison.
And to true love, for which it stands -
Bachelor Nation, under ABC, THE MOST DRAMATIC, with date cards and helicopters for all.

*curtsey*

Cut to the next morning, Ben is walking weird. Jojo did crazy things to him last night.

The producers send in psycho Caila to surprise Ben. They give her the crazy music so we know this will not end well. Caila is never going to surprise any man ever again.  

They sit down for a chat.
Ben: "I’ve been thinking about the ups and downs of this process. Heads up, you’re about to be in a down moment."

He breaks up with her. Caila’s sad and wishing she was wearing a whole shirt. They say goodbye and in typical Caila-acting-like-her-life-is-a-movie-script fashion, she jumps out of the car while it's still moving to get one last word in with Ben. She basically pulls a half-Nick V, asking (in so many words) "why did you make love to me if you weren't in love with me?" Welcome to being a woman, Caila. Ben gives her a generic response and she gets back in the car. Buh-bye.

Observations from The Nest
Gena: "I could never be the Bachelorette, I have enough trouble telling my Tinder dates I don’t want to go on a second one."
Sam: "This is such an effed up show."

Good talk, guys.

The remaining ladies arrive at the Good Hope Great House rehab facility for the rose ceremony. Jojo really pulls out the stops with these rose ceremony dresses. Lauren...not so much this week because she clearly thinks she's got this in the bag. I'm surprised she's even wearing makeup. Can't let yourself go yet, Lauren, it ain't over till it's over! While they're "waiting for Caila to arrive" they make small talk about the week they just had. 

Jojo: "Sooo…how was it for you?" 
Lauren: "How was it for you?" 
Jojo: "I asked you first."  

Default roses awarded all around. Group hug because Ben loves both of you! 

Vintage Ben Higgins.

We're down to the final two ladies! I can't believe the season is almost over. Next week is Women Tell All. No points will be awarded during this episode. There also will not be a blog post. I'm giving you a week's notice so you have ample time to find a replacement highlight for your Tuesday. 

If you're in Chicago, please plan to join us March 14 for the finale! We'll be watching at Gaslight Bar (where we had Draft Night). More details to come. Save the date.

Standings have changed a bit since the alterations re: Caila, so check how your team is doing going into the final episode!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Eight: Hungover and Hard Up

To continue our foray into blog delegation, this week's blog post comes from long time league participant Clare C. out of Chicago, IL. Always the runner up, never the winner, Team Competitive Clare is always a fierce force to be reckoned with. As a Roses to Riches OG, she's got jokes.

Oh, and if a Bachelor producer happens to be reading, Clare would make a top notch contestant. Contact us for business inquiries.

Enjoy!

Hey Batches,

Competitive Clare, here. I’m gonna go ahead and put it out there that it is an honor—I repeat—an HONOR to be guest bloggin' this week. Let’s dig in.

First of all, let’s clear a few things up—even if all of your ladies have been eliminated, if you are in the lead (aka, you had Olivia and Emily and Jubilee on you team), you can still win it all. If someone has the winning lady on his or her team (cough LAUREN cough), you do not necessarily win. That is to say, in Quidditch, catching the snitch does not always mean you have won the match.

I'm not a nerd. Shut up.

Okay. On to tonight’s episode. The preview of tonight’s episode was just as good or better than the episode itself. Well done producers. The shots of Amanda’s hometown were like something out of the Blair Witch Project. Handheld shots of Ben and Amanda looking devastated in a narrow haunted house hallway while demon children scream bloody murder. (jk, they’re cute. They’re just kids. Have you ever met kids? They cry. Ben’s about to figure that out)

In fact, much of this week’s episode was accompanied by a decent amount of murder music. And, surprisingly, not only when Caila’s serial-killer-rapist-from-SVU-season 3- father was present.

This man haunts my nightmares.

Ben starts the episode by letting us know he thinks this is going to be an amazing week. Is it Ben? Is it though?

Amanda runs towards Ben on the beach like she's on Baywatch, only wearing less clothes. No, seriously, this was so inappropriate. Her shirt was falling off of her. Definitely not okay mom attire, unless you’re preparing to breastfeed your little girls. Too much? Too real? Okay. Just saying. Girl was naked from the waist up.

Someone in the Nest said that Amanda reminded them of a Disney princess. She's not. She’s like a Disney princess’ clingy older sister who was ignored and didn’t get to take voice lessons and never got rid of that horrible nasal Midwest accent, and whines all the time and gets spray tans and botox. 

We got to meet her little girls (who she couldn’t fully hug because one hand was devoted to making sure she didn’t flash the camera crew). One of the little girls said she felt “shy.” That was cute. We’ll give her that, she made cute kids. The only problem was, Amanda (or a producer) felt it was appropriate to make a 4 year old child wear GLADIATOR SANDALS ON THE BEACH. ON THE BEACH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A SAND TRAP THOSE SHOES ARE??

When meeting Amanda’s family, Ben said “the girls were amazing, but it was a LONG day.” Come on Ben. You can fake liking the kid thing better than that. He and Amanda put the kids to bed and Ben immediately hits the Pinot Noir.

Amanda’s dad correctly asserts that Ben looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Ben literally said, at one point, in response to how he got along with the children, “they…didn’t hate me?”

In an effort to make herself feel better, Amanda talks to her mom about how she needs to focus on dating FOR THE SAKE OF HER CHILDREN and having fun. So, she felt the best way to do that would be to abandon them for 8 weeks and go on The Bachelor. Dear Amanda, have you ever tried just…like…dating? In your hometown? With other humans not on TV? There’s this great dating app you should try.

Ben and Amanda’s dad have a heart to heart and pops basically says “trust me….you might think you want kids. But you don’t want kids.” Cut to Ben, knee deep in Pinot Noir, saying “I’m a little buzzed right now….but I hear what you’re saying. Believe me. I. Hear. What. You’re. Saying.”

Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time?

Ben and Amanda then woke up the little girls from their nap in order to have a cute bedtime story for the camera. Sorry, no napping. We’re in show business, kiddos.

Amanda then proceeds to tell her family that Ben is the one.

Ugh. Moving on.

"No way she's from Portland, she wears makeup."

Lauren proceeds to kill it. She takes him to food trucks and feeds him eggs and butter on bread. EGGS AND BUTTER ON BREAD. Done. He fed her grilled cheese. Shuh uhp. She then takes him to the WHISKEY LIBRARY. Literally my dream.

Except. She called in a Libary. Which breaks my heart and makes me extremely happy all at once. 

We then go back to Lauren’s family’s house, where we meet her EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD DOG. THAT’S ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX IN DOG YEARS. This dog needs to be dead. It really does.

Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside and starts grilling him. But Ben is about to smash her doubts and make her fall in love with him. Ben is pretty good at handling curveballs. After all, he was on Wrigley field last week. She asked, “how do I know you’re not saying the exact same thing to everyone.” Ben handled it by saying that every girl left is amazing, and if he gets on one knee, that means he really means it.” Well played, Ben. You should be in politics. Way to not answer the question.

Then, to get her sister off his back, he took a moment to look down and force himself to cry, to prove his love for Lauren. Jk. It seemed like he really cried out of genuine residual hangover  exhaustion  love. Ben and the sister almost make out, but they decide not to in front of the camera. Class acts, those two.

Ben continues to be the politician we know him to be and navigate dangerous waters when dealing with the dad. He straight up says he’s not good at this and the process has been hard to handle. Way to be, Ben, way to be. Honesty is the best policy.

Lauren continues the trend of saying that she thinks Ben is the man for her. Her dad pats her on the head and reminds her that she’s a big ole dummy. He calls her Baby Lolo, and suddenly, I’ve found my stripper name.

Next, we’re onto Caila and BLAH BLAH BLAH I seriously can’t hear or understand anything you’re saying, that’s how little I care about you. She talks vaguely about how she wants a REAL house to make out in, not just a toy house. I don't know. I didn't listen.

They go on to make out in her father’s toy factory (or...murder house?), and Ben picks Caila up as the soundtrack from Flashdance plays. Her father has previously made it clear to the workers that their pay will be docked if they don’t applaud and make it look like a heartwarming blue-collar moment out of Rudy (Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuuudy.)

Caila’s lovely Filipino mother has adult braces and is sweet, while we all continue to be terrified by her serial killer father that happens to be CEO of Step 2 Toys (get after that toy fortune Ben. Get it.) 

Folllowing in her serial killer father’s footsteps, Caila says a fear that only serial killers and sociopaths generally feel—that deep down feeling that she is incapable of love. Oof. I’m gonna slowly back away from you now.

Despite her creepy lack of being able to love, she whispers (I kid you not, WHISPERS) “I know he’s the one” to both her mother and father. Caila, honey, you’ve got a microphone on. The cameras can still hear you (and see you) even when you whisper.

Her dad responds saying “I wish he was the one for you, but there are other girls, and you have no idea.” She proceeds to cry. Dad predicts that she’s going to get crushed. Clare gives a quiet evil laugh, because Clare agrees.

Caila continues to creepily whisper “I know he’s the one” about 8 times.

I think we’re done here.

Ah, finally, to Dallas. Jojo sees a bouquet of red roses on her doorstep and reads a FULL PARAGRAPH OF A LETTER (which contains the sentence “I’m not just writing this because you are on a show”) before she realizes the flowers and note might not be from Ben.

I’m just gonna say this. If you have no idea what your man’s handwriting looks like, you maybe aren't in a place to consider marrying him.

She breaks down and loses it, revealing that she is not the slightest bit over Chad.

Yep. His. Name. Is. Chad. Come on now.

She calls him, and we get a glimpse into what a complete and total tool Chad is. She reveals that he is the one that broke it off, and she begged him to come back. To add to Chad’s totally creeposity, let us remember that he delivered a bouquet of RED ROSES to her doorstep, knowing full well that she is on The Bachelor and practically has to beg for a SINGLE red rose every week.

Chad is all like, step up Ben, I got her a whole bouquet. Step. Up.

Quick reminder: HIS NAME IS CHAD.

Jojo tearfully welcomes Ben, and awkwardly says “First, welcome to Dallas” about four times. During Jojo’s description of the events, Ben develops a pretty intense case of murder eyes, and experiences some mild PTSD from a past relationship in which there was cheating. The two of them are practically twitching throughout the entire conversation.

Elizabeth gleefully observed, "Ben's limo wall (guard) is going RIGHT back up."

Ben meets the fam, and Jojo says y’all 14 times in order to prove they’re from texas. When asked why Jojo is different, Ben puts it out there and says he feels more himself with her than anyone else. Bold move, Ben, bold move. 

This does nothing to satisfy the hunger of the Patton men. They both creepily state that they are very “attached” to their sister, and make Ben squirm. The brothers buckle down with Jojo and remind her that she’s had two (count it)—one, two—(They hold up two fingers, to make sure she gets it)—TWO dates with Ben. They straight up tell her that he is not as emotionally invested as she is, and tell her to protect herself.

The bros confront Ben and accuse him of brainwashing the women, and psychologically tricking the ladies into desiring him. Hold up, slightly-hotter-brother-Patton—didn’t we see you on Eva Longoria’s Ready for Love? And (as research yields) haven’t you yourself participated in dating a bachelor alum?! You best check yoself before you wreck yoself.

While the brothers might be used to this kind of chaos and DRAMAAA, this whole “dating-multiple-people” thing comes as a shock to Jojo’s mom. Though, to be fair, you might not be able to tell she is shocked at first, since she cannot move her face and can barely speak, due to offensive levels of plastic surgery.

#duckfaceforever

Strange as it seems, it legitimately appears as though her mother did not know there were still 3 other girls involved on this show. While she initially told her daughter “you won’t get hurt, you’re beautiful” (helpful, thanks mom), Jojo rebuts saying “there are still three other people involved” and Mama Jojo literally says “…oh!” and covers her mouth in shock.

I can’t express the joy this moment brought the ladies of the nest. We rewound it 3 times to watch her mother’s grief at realizing her daughter is, in fact, on a reality show. All of a sudden, her mother is sobbing that she needs to “have faith” and starts chugging champagne from the bottle while the cameras are still rolling.

"Honey, they're still filming." -Jojo's dad, Joe

Here comes the Rose Ceremony. Jojo realizes she’s screwed so wears the sluttiest dress she can find. And damn gurl, it works. OH HAY GURL.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that, at this point, I find it so creepy and weird that he just hands out roses to women he might marry. This is the point where it feels a little TOO demeaning. Can I just say that? Rose ceremonies should stop at this point. Breakups should just happen in person. Let’s write Chris Harrison a letter about it.

Ben gives Lauren a rose. Obvi. Future wife.

Ben gives Caila a rose and tears of boredom are shed across the nation. A moment of intense eye contact between Amanda and Jojo, which we in the nest determined was a moment of support and solidarity.

I gotchu, girl.

He sends home the mom.

Cold. Blooded.

Amanda took it like a champ and told him she wished he’d just told her in person at the time. Ben continues to keep it real and says his feelings for the other women were simply stronger. Ben cries, feeling glad to be done with her, but rightfully guilty about the way it went down with the kids. It’s sad. Ben is a good person, and I’m still #TeamBen.

We end the episode with a wonderful excerpt of Lauren’s blonde, pubescent brothers attempting to intimidate Ben. The contrast between the two sets of brothers is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Ben nearly shit his pants when dealing with the JojoBros, and legit could not stifle a laugh when the Culkin brothers questioned him about the fantasy suite.

Love and Roses,

Competitive Clare

Hoes in Diff. Area Codes Conference

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Check your points! We have two weeks left and many teams are in peril. Props to those of you (Maggie B. in particular) who drafted the top four contestants!  Remember, winners are based on point total and NOT having the fiance on your team.

P.S. Sharing the blog and bragging about your points is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED and sometimes rewarded. Do it.

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Ben H Week Seven: What Came from Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas

Hello, Bachelor nation! Guest columnist Rob here blogging from the mean streets of Chicago. If you've never had the pleasure of watching an episode of The Bachelor with the league at The Nest, it's quite an experience. Wine is in abundance. Earplugs are necessary.

As the solitary straight man in attendance this past week, I feel it is my duty to give my take on this week's episode with an honest eye. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins in Warsaw, IN. Like most places in Indiana, the settlers of the town were lazy and just decided to name it after some other place in the world. Also, fun fact: I once puked in Warsaw, IN but that's a story for another post on another blog.

It's Meet-Ben's-Parents week (for one of the girls at least, more on that later) and we see Ben greet them in the local greasy spoon. They seem like wholesome, God-fearing Americans so all seems right with the world. Ben goes through a rundown of all the girls left and Ben's mom is like, "wait, what? one of them has two kids? I ain't ready to be an insta-gram."

The women check in to the nicest Air BnB within a fifty mile radius and for some reason tell us they love Warsaw, IN. This is perhaps the most confusing part of the episode.

Pawnee = Warsaw.

Ben greets the ladies and then asks out Lauren for a coveted one-on-one in front of everyone. This is taken as an affront to the rest of the women and tears are had.

I hear a wine bottle pop next to me and we are well underway here at The Nest.

BYOWine is how we roll.

Ben gives Lauren the world-renowned tour of Warsaw and they hit all the must-see stops. The old movie theater where he had his first kiss. His high school. And finally the Baker Youth Club.

Alright, let's cut the snark. This date was awesome. Lauren and Ben really hit it off and seemed to have a genuine connection. If I was a gambling man (wait, I am), I'd put all my money on Lauren winning. Also, how great is Ben with kids?! He sat down with a kid who was crying and comforted him. HE'S A SAINT. And Lauren was ~loving it~. I'm fairly confident she was ready to jump him right there and procreate on the spot.

Then some wizard of a child sinks a half court shot like he's Steph Curry and Ben has to kiss Lauren in front of all the children of the corn. Adorable.

Ronnie, all day err day.

Ben and Lauren then pretended to have dinner and chatted about how THAT BITCH (can I say that here?) tried to steamroll over their connection last week. Praise God everything seems back on track for them to have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

Back at the AirBnB, a letter arrives and Jojo is the lucky lady who snags a one-on-one. Seriously, Jojo. Go by anything but Jojo. You're not a backup dancer for Prince. I digress... It's off to Chicago we go! Hey, I live there!

Jojo and Ben straddle each other on Clark Street and then go to Wrigley Field for a dream date complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. I don't know about you but I would find that creepy. The audience at The Nest did not think so, commenting: 

"He looks good in a Cubs jersey...or anything."

"Or nothing."

But it gets better! After frolicking on the field and being master batters, Ben treats Jojo, who I reiterate is not a backup dancer for Prince, to faux dinner on the field. This elicited the following reaction from the crowd at home:

"Are you freaking kidding me?" (that's jealousy, for all you non-Chicagoans/Cubs fans)

Jojo explains to Ben that she's scared by how much she cares about him. Note to everyone ever: if someone says this to you, RUN.

Cut to Warsaw and the rest of the women are giving Lauren the resting bitch face because she's still glowing from her date with Ben. A card is delivered and ...wait for it... it's a group date! Caila, Amanda, and Becca are chosen which means that Emily, who's "pretty but just has a weird face," gets a one-on-one. Emily and her oxymoron of a face proceed to cry ugly tears of joy.

We then see Caila, Amanda, and Becca standing on a dock and Ben pulling up in a boat on a small lake that sometimes catches fire because it's in freaking Warsaw, IN. The four of them get into row boats two by two and proceed to spin in circles because the complexities of rowing a boat are beyond all of them. This is by far the worst group date ever and I swear, Caila and Amanda are automatons. I don't see why they're still here. Caila's time with Ben is always excruciating to watch and the fact that he *thinks* there's a connection there makes me think Caila's meandering and confusing non-answers to his questions have put a spell on him. Seriously. “I picture myself as moss, and I’ve always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with.” Good talk.

Becca, who is a smokeshow, lays it all on the line and tells Ben not to blindside her. This interaction in the middle of a fallow Indiana corn field brought forth the following line from the peanut gallery: 

"They're either gonna break up or have sex right now."

Probably not the latter, because, Becca.

Amanda inhales three balloons of helium and then pretends that she can show emotions through her Botox injected face. People, she's in her 20s. At this rate she'll look like Joan Rivers by 35.

Ben is then faced with the tough decision of giving one rose out. This is a biggie since it means the rest of the day will be a one-on-one and he will meet the girl's family next week. I have no idea why but he gives the rose to Amanda. Becca and Caila are devastated.

Since we've already spent ten minutes too many in Warsaw, IN and have run out of places to see, Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's for the rest of their date. This actually happened.

To make it abundantly clear that the bachelor has sold its soul to the Kroc family, Ben and Amanda share a French fry kiss in the style of Lady and the Tramp. Somewhere, Walt Disney weeps.

Next we have an uneventful one-on-one with Emily and Ben. Lolz jk it's a shitshow. Emily wears what I can only describe as stripper jeans and then proceeds to tell Ben's mom that she's "dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember" following that gem up with, "I feel like I'm average at everything in life."

This is so incomprehensibly stupid that there are no words in the English language sufficient to describe what has just happened. If Las Vegas was to take the form of a human being, it would be Emily.

Ben's mom then cries when she talks with Ben because Emily is so terrible. Everything that occurred on this date made me uncomfortable. One onlooker was quoted as saying, "She's like Taylor Swift smashed together with Sarah Palin." An apt comparison.

Ben and Emily leave and praise Chris Harrison that date is over. Ben then sits on the dock by their AirBnB and tells Emily she's the worst while the rest of the girls look on from the house. #ColdBlooded.

Finally we reach the rose ceremony and Ben looks DISTRAUGHT. It's looking like a photo finish for the last rose between Caila and Becca. We all know Lauren is gonna get one because she's #thebest and Amanda already has one because Ben meeting children makes for good TV. Jojo is just there so whatever.

Boom. Lauren B gets a rose.

Boom. Jojo gets a rose.

#DRAMATICMUSIC

BOOM. Caila gets a rose.

~and the crowd goes wild...with anger~

Becca walks away with Ben, which autocorrects to barn sometimes, and speaking for the rest of America asks, "Why did you do that?"

Ben, knowing he made a mistake, can't really come up with a coherent answer. As a straight man, I know why this occurred. WE ARE DUMB AND MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES. Unfortunately for Ben, his mistake cost him a smokeshow in front of millions of screaming fans at home across North America.

In summation, Ben is an idiot and shouldn't have chosen Caila. She's the worst and her name looks like the word Cialis. Lauren is an angel sent from heaven and will win. Jojo really needs to pick a different name to go by, and Amanda sounds like she's inhaled helium at all times. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.

Love and Roses,

Rob
Straight, Male, First Time League Participant

HUGE thank you to Rob for writing this week's post! If you thought it was funny, which you should because it was, follow him on Twitter for more hilarity (@_ob_yan). Teams and standings are up to date! Some teams who are already out still have a chance of making the podium, which would be a first in Roses to Riches history. Let's make history, people. Love you all.

At least Twimily went down swingin'.

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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