Britt/Kaitlyn Week 1, Part 1: Go Home, You're Drunk.

Hold on to your hats, people, it's going to be a wild ride. The season is already off to a great start, and we're only one episode in.

First, a big welcome to all the new league participants! The Roses to Riches Chicago conference has increased to a whopping three pools and the Nashville Conference is growing as well. We're at record capacity this year and actually had to turn people away. Looking into expansion possibilities, so stay tuned for that.

Second, huge thanks to the Orchard gals for hosting draft night. The Coach House is out of commission and Julie took the TV, so we appreciate you allowing the league to take over your living room for the evening.

Right off the bat in this episode we get some nice quality time with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. I've missed him so! He tries to convince America that allowing men to choose the Bach-ette will offer a better opportunity for true love to blossom. He only said that to work in the rose pun, so I can't fault him for that. Side note: can't wait to pre-order The Perfect Letter!

Here's a rundown of the contestants for this season. What follows is a combination of a few people's note-taking, plus crowd reactions and text message conversations.

Ben H. Julie knows him! Kind of. Friend of a friend.
Ben Z. Former almost-NFL player. Dead mom. Front runner
Bradley
Brady. Singer from Nashville. Waxes poetic about Britt being a billion on a scale of 1 to 10, says he has melodies inside him. ok.
Chris arrived in a cupcake car
Clint looks like a loser, needs a haircut.
Corey
Cory no E. I call him Flex.
Daniel is almost definitely gay. We can tell by his occupation and also because Emily knows three girls who have made out with him and can back this claim up
David
Ian in a coma from car accident. Taking an early lead
Jared awkwardly talking at both of them while standing only in front of Britt. Possibly gay. Snaggletooth
JJ tryna puck Kaitlyn. She digs the jokes
Joe needs a haircut but love the moonshine and the accent. "yes ma'am" ftw
Jonathan has a child. And earrings.
Josh. Criminal lawyer/stripper. Unable to find a wife among the women who watch him strip. He seems bewildered by this so now he's on the show, procrastinating studying for the bar. BEWARE ANYONE ON THIS SHOW NAMED JOSH. DID NO ONE LEARN THAT LESSON FROM ANDI'S SEASON?
Joshua the welder from Idaho. Makes a promising metaphor about welding and love with heat, friction and sparks flying. Okay that metal rose though...
Justin OMG every J name on the planet in this cast
Kupah looks like a half-black Pitbull. The man, not the dog. I like him mostly because his answers online sound like he was just g-chatting someone about going on the show. "What does marriage mean to you?" "FOOORREEEVEEERRRRR."
Ryan B
Ryan M is drunk already, just go home
Shawn B Ryan Gosling doppelgänger holy smokes
Shawn E, amateur sex coach (not even a professional?!) and arrived in a hot tub
Tanner pwns Britt immediately by handing her some tissues. Kaitlyn continues the pwn-age, asking "Is that soap or tissues??" Heh.
Tony omg he literally just kissed his plants. "See you later babies." Plant kisser! He's talking yogi nonsense about the puzzle pieces of life and sounds like he's on a lot of drugs. Also has a suspicious black eye...

The cocktail party is in full swing and the guys are in serious competition analysis mode. They're discussing the ladies as if they are a political platform. "Are you pro-Kaitlyn or pro-Britt?" "I just found a pocket of people who are pro-Kaitlyn." "I haven't decided which way I'm voting yet." It's called love guys just follow your hearts. Not that hard.

Ian with the first steal of the evening! He stole Kaitlyn from the group though, not from an individual, so no points awarded for that. He's an early favorite among the viewing audience.

Clint earns huge metaphorical points with his cocktail party stunt. He brings out a framed piece of art and it is the most beautiful masterpiece I have ever seen, second only to The Naked Man. It's a pencil drawing. Of Chris Harrison. RIDING A TRICERATOPS. I would pay big money to own this piece of history.

Then, we have Ryan M. Oh, Ryan M. So many points, so little screen time! The guy shows up already drunk, then proceeds to:

- Call out Shawn E's limo stunt as stupid, telling him he sucks

- Bang on the windows during other people's intros, waving like an idiot

- Slap Kaitlyn's rear end 

- Shout "IS THIS THE GAY BACHELOR?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY" after doing a scan of all the guys in the room

If this isn't enough, he then strips naked (where was Josh for this?) and jumps in the pool. He's literally falling over as he tries to get out of the pool, then goes running around the house tearing shit up and knocking pictures off the walls. JJ tries to intervene, asking him, "Why do you have your shirt off right now?" 

To which Ryan M responds, "WHY AM I NOT RAPING YOU RIGHT NOW?"

Then, for the first time in Bachelor history, Chris Harrison intervenes! Ryan M gets bounced out by the large man in the golf cap, struggles to navigate his way around the rose bush, and gets sent home by Our Lord and Savior in a prison van. No rejection limo for you, sir. #byeforever

The guys then start to vote on who they want by putting a rose in one of two boxes. Tony rushes to the ballot box before Chris Harrison even stops talking. "The energy coming from the chest with Britt's name on it was...pulsating." Cool it on the sensual talk dude it's night one.

Of COURSE ABC left us with a cliff hanger. Darn you, producers and your antics. Why can't I be one of you.

Tonight we'll find out who the Bachette is! We'll also have preliminary standings at the end of the episode, which will go up Wednesday.

TO BE CONTINUED.........