Kaitlyn Week Nine: Bach Shit Cray

We're getting down to the wire! It's an odd week of both fantasy suites AND hometowns, an emotional roller coaster for everyone. Deep breaths, everyone. Okay. Let's resume this catfight between Nick and Shawn.

Shawn: "I just want to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I hate you and you're the worst."
Nick: "Don't hate me cause you ain't me."

Pretty anticlimactic, I have to say.

Date with Ben H. They ride horses through the Irish countryside. They are continually surprised at how tame and responsive the horses are! Even the feisty one! I'm giving Kaitlyn so much side eye right now.

They have a picnic outside a castle...fantastic setup by the interns.

Kaitlyn: "The architect of this castle is the same guy who designed Buckingham Palace! I know this because I am smart and worldly." Oh did you just pull that fun fact out of your own tiny brain, Kaitlyn? I doubt it.

Kaitlyn tells Ben they're having dinner and sexy time in that castle. He flips out a little, it's like he's never watched the show before.

They Sweater Swap before dinner.

Kaitlyn: "If all goes well, Ben and I will bone here tonight!"

Ben gives the best toasts. Heart eyes emoji. The interns prepped him well. OH OKAY BEN with the most perfect Fantasy Suite proposal response of all time. *producers high-five each other off camera*

He leaves with a backpack the next morning and is all kinds of adorable.

Date with Shawn. They go golfing, Kaitlyn makes him wear bright clothes in a HILARIOUS PRANK. Shawn keeps hitting his balls into the water, which is a great metaphor for how this whole season has gone for him. Clearly Kaitlyn's six weeks of lessons in anticipation of this very moment have paid off. She actually beats Shawn and her prize is Shawn B's body in all its naked glory. She dares him go streaking across the golf course (would make a joke about why American tourists are hated all over the world...but she's Canadian).

Shawn takes his pants off. I'm sorry, who do you think you are with that underwear? Michael Phelps?

Oh, hello.

Didn't think so. But ya still look good, Shawn. Just keep stripping, just keep stripping.

Confession: I just spent a long time looking through pictures of Michael Phelps to find just the right one. Not the worst way to spend half an hour... 

Kaitlyn pulls a Parent Trap and steals his clothes while he's putting. He chases after her and they just run around naked for a while. The best part of this whole incident is the entire crew that has to follow the action outside the frame. The boom guy, probably two different cameras, plus an intern or two, all getting a serious eyeful on this date. What a job perk!

At "dinner" they talk about The Process. Shawn continues to spew nonsense about Nick. He uses the word allegations and Corinne makes us pause so she can go take a cold shower. #vocabturnons

They bone. He leaves pretty abruptly the next morning.
Kaitlyn as Shawn walks away: "Shawn does have a great butt, but is it worth all this drama?"

Nick is waiting in the wings as Shawn leaves bonetown. But here's a question...wasn't his date in a completely different part of the country? Which poor souls had to drive him all the way to Northern Ireland so he could lean against the wall in such a formidable fashion? #BachelorInterns #unsungheroes

They have yet another verbal altercation. Afterwards, Shawn retreats to his safe room bathroom to hide his rage boner collect himself.

Side note: remember when this was supposed to be a serious confrontation?

#throwback #TouchyTony

Back to the Rose Ceremony. Before handing out roses, Kaitlyn has a mini meltdown. She turns a complete 360 degrees to avoid ugly crying on camera. Her heart is beating out of her chest, per usual. Shouldn't that be a red flag that you might be making a mistake? Just one girl's opinion.

Nick and Shawn get roses. Not surprised.

We say a sad (BUT TEARLESS?!?!) goodbye to Ben H. I was really counting on those points. Very disappointed in his lack of emotion. Can I rewind to this last weekend and audition for Ben H's Bach season? He's it for sure. A comparable exit to Jared in terms of class, but less rodent-y, better looking, more universal appeal. I mean, who didn't have a crush on Peter Brady growing up? He was the best part of the Brady Bunch. Plus Ben already knows all the Bachelor Buzzwords! Minimal prep needed.

Anyway, time for low budget fakeout hometowns...bringing the families to Utah? Seems random. But we have already seen Nick's hometown, plus if Nick and Shawn are near each other there is more potential for dramatic encounters. I see what you're doing, producers.

I can't look away

Everyone in Nick's family is crying about this situation. Poor Viall fam, they're just a nice Catholic family from Wisconsin and this show is ripping them apart.

The phrase "someone only a mother could love" was definitely coined about Nick. "My family is worried about me because I keep messing my life up on national television."

Kaitlyn to cameras: "We have insane, passionate chemistry and we can't keep our hands off each other."
Kaitlyn to family: "We have great conversation."

Nick and Mom have a nice heart to heart. They both cry. Is he normal in real life? Can't tell.

Shawn's "hometown" date is less teary. Where does Shawn get his looks from? It's clearly not his dad. Mom is inexplicably MIA. Shawn is like a little kid begging for his older sisters' approval. Pretty endearing I guess. They mostly like her.

JK I'm sure his sisters are lovely.

End of hometowns. In two weeks, we're scooping up Neil Lane and then heading to the tropics! Men Tell All is next week so no blog post. FINALLY BACK ON SCHEDULE. Thank goodness.

Even though there's only one draftee left in the league, the standings are not final. Depending on which guy gets The Final Rose, some teams may be able to overtake current leaders. This is why I love the league...gotta keep y'all on the edge of your seats! Check your standings here and see if you're still in the running.

I am not winning. 

Are you Team Nick or Team Shawn? Let us know who you're rooting for in the comments.

PREACH.

Also, don't forget to follow us on Twitter! Check us out over there on the right side column or go straight to the page to see our hilarious episode commentary. S/o to Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh, who is working hard on skyrocketing us to internet fame. She's funny.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Eight: Killjoys in Killarney

Welcome back to the Shawn B Anxiety Hour. The group is hanging out in Killarney, Ireland and Kaitlyn is still whining on about her overnight with Nick. Dude, Kaitlyn, your sleepover was like four days ago, which is MONTHS in Bachelorette time. It's time to move on.

Unforunately, we did not get to see what became of Cupcake at the end of his cliffside meltdown last episode. Let's hope he didn't jump.

Ben H gets a workout one-on-one date. He gets to row Kaitlyn around in a boat for probably hours. When Ben H gets exhausted but not too sweaty, the two get to roam around on a private island. Ben H sure knows how to play the Bach game. He is spewing out all of the Bachelorette key phrases and propaganda as if it just popped into his head naturally. His producers are looking on like proud parents as he tells Kaitlyn that she's wife material, he's falling for her, and he has fears about love. Someone memorized his lines on this week's script.

Kaitlyn freaks out for a hot sec because Ben wants to talk and not bone, meaning he MUST be a virgin because who the hell would want to ~*talk*~ to a future fiance...Kaitlyn, honey, Ben H went to IU. He's for sure not a virgin, and probably just had an STD cleared up right before filming. Go Hoosiers!

Next we have a group date with Shawn, Nick and Joe. Some producer convinced Kaitlyn thats it's a good idea to bone and tell, so now then entire date is about "will I, won't I?"

Joe starts to be all "I could kiss you forever, I'm ready for marriage, I LOVE YOU" and she's all "thank you...?" He then turns into a petulant child, starts to mope and continually uses the phrase "it's cool, just have fun." Unceremonious elimination for Joe with no consolation tears. One down, one more to go this week.

Side note: Shawn still refers to Nick exclusively as "the other guy." What a power move.

Shawn gets to spend the rest of the evening with Kaitlyn and he has no idea what misery is in store. His ego is about to get squashed like the grapes that made this wine. Kaitlyn drops the we-had-sex bomb, and you can see SUCH a dramatic change in Shawn's eyes. He is very clearly thinking of all the violent things he could do to "the other guy" in retaliation. Some producer talked him down and he's willing to suck it up and keep going in The Process. Good choice, kid.

At the cocktail party...PSYCH, cocktail party is canceled!

I love when they do this because all of the guys sweat like sinners in church. Shawn gets called first and chooses to be difficult by asking to talk to her before accepting the rose. They talk about nothing for a few seconds and he ends up staying.

Back to the action: She keeps Ben and Nick. Poor Dark Horse Jared gets the boot. This guy was a last round draft pick for all of us, and ends up being one of the hardest goodbyes of the show. The dude takes it like a champ and continues to be sweet even after the dumping. Heck, I've never had an ex offer me his coat for warmth mid-breakup. Jared, I wish I could give you, and your bad facial hair, a hug.

With the departure of Cupcake, Joe, and Jared, several teams have been knocked out of the game. Check your score here.

Since ABC cannot take any of our hints, we move on to week eight at the end of the episode.

Kaitlyn spends the day with Nick and they end up at yet another church. They talk to some Irish actors locals. Say all the crap you want about Nick or Kaitlyn, but the two actually seem like they fit well together and are having a good time. Their evening date is going all well 'n stuff, until Nick decides to seize the day and toss Shawn under the bus. Against all odds, playing dirty works for Nick (always has) and she eats it up. As is tradition, the two retire off to the fantasy suite and reenact her biggest drama inducing action of the season. Cue hotel door closing.

Once Nick returns to his own room the next day he gets a visit from his good buddy Shawn and ABC leaves us for the week with the promise of a cat fight next Monday. Leave a comment about how you see it playing out.

If you have men left in the league, kudos. If you don't, I recommend bringing extra wine next week. Don't forget, the league is based on points, so even if all your men are out, you could have a chance at placing.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Seven: Cliffs of Moher and Moher Drama

Man, all the carryover drama this season is so exhausting. Just once, I would love to cap off an episode with a rose ceremony, a champagne toast, and the announcement of the next travel destination. Then open the next episode with "Tonight, on The Bachelorette..."

IS THAT SO HARD, PRODUCERS? IS IT?

Since no one this season can keep their shit together, we pick up where we left off with Shawn B having his weekly freakout. He doesn't know if he can continue with The Process.
Shawn: "Are you in love with me?"
Kaitlyn: "You can't put me on the spot like that."
Shawn: "YES OR NO?"

In her recap of the situation, Kaitlyn tells us, mid-meltdown, that Shawn was the one having a meltdown. Come on guys. Get it together.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE! I wish there were more of these. These are the best. Both people bring their own A game and simultaneously go for the kill shot with their opponent. It's brutal and beautiful. It's Bachelorette meets Gladiator. Take our suggestions seriously, ABC.

This Two-On-One features Joe versus JJ, in what JJ describes as "the most important day in my recent life." How recent are we talking, JJ? Like this week? This year? Since you broke up with Clint?

Wow Joe opens strong with possibly the most well worded Hail Mary play in Bachelor History. He knows he doesn't have much time left, so lays it all on the table and tells Kaitlyn that he's falling in love with her. I feel bad for Joe because if he cut his hair he might actually stand a chance. He just needs to find a nice southern girl who will appreciate his country boy manners. And moonshine.

During JJ's turn he drops a huge bomb and tells Kaitlyn that he cheated on his wife. Did he cheat with a man? Just kidding, I know this is serious. I just have zero tolerance for cheaters and I already hated JJ to begin with so hearing this news I'm just like "oh of course you did." I don't know how he even made it this far. Bye forever, JJ. #bringbackpantsapreneur

Kaitlyn decides to send JJ home, praise Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. In what is her clearest moment of thinking yet this season, she doesn't give the rose to Joe quiiiite yet, decides she needs more time to talk. He eventually does get the rose. Yay Joe.

Back to Shawn B. So much inner turmoil. He is an emotional train wreck and the epitome of Analysis Paralysis. He has constant crazy eyes and looks like he could explode with frustration at any second.

He's back again! Shawn needs to talk to Kaitlyn and she loses it AGAIN because she thinks he knows about her boning Nick. They're both a complete mess. Much to her relief, he just wants to talk about himself and is still oblivious to the Nick situation.

At the cocktail party Kaitlyn opens with "HEY EVERYONE I MADE SOME MISTAKES THIS WEEK." This puts all the guys into a tizzy. Watching some of them squirm is fun, but Shawn and Nick are just like

uhh wut.

Uh oh now Ben H needs to talk to her. Serious face. Oh no! He's feeling self conscious about the Shawn situation. Damn, all this nonsense with Shawn is going to let everything with Nick get swept under the rug. Ugh. Also these convos go nowhere. She just makes them say words, then she gets uncomfortable and makes out with them so they don't have to keep talking.

Poor Shawn thinks Kaitlyn's "mistakes" are about him. Still no one knows she boned Nick.

Kaitlyn: "Don't tell anyone we boned."
Nick: "I didn't even say we kissed, I just said it was romantic and intimate and passionate."

She keeps saying, "I don't feel bad about Nick, I just feel bad about how it will affect my other relationships." I don't understand how she can separate and reconcile those two feelings. But can we pause for a sec? This is exactly why the Fantasy Suite exists! This show is a well oiled machine, Kaitlyn. The Process is The Process for a reason. They all messed it up by not being able to keep it in their pants and now everyone is losing their minds. Nick has an unfair advantage, Shawn thinks Kaitlyn is in love with him, it's all spiraling out of control. Let's hash this out in the comments, shall we?

#UserEngagement

Only three roses to give out tonight. Side note: Kaitlyn is way better at holding the rose than Andi was. Calling it now, Cupcake and Tanner are gone. But.....

ACK. Kaitlyn makes her third-worst decision this season (first-worst was letting Nick on the show, second-worst was sleeping with him) AND SENDS BEN Z HOME OVER CUPCAKE CHRIS. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THE BACHELORETTE ANYMORE, KAITLYN.

BEN Z NOOOOOOOOO. How is Ben Z gone but Jared is still here?! This is an outrage. Ben Z, please be the next Bachelor. Honest to Chris Harrison, I will sign up immediately. July 11 casting in Chicago, anyone??

Damnit, that was tragic. I hate to see you go, Ben Z. But I love to watch you leave.

Yes, I'm thirsty for some Ben Z

Laura L and Kristen both win wine! Ben Z was their last man standing. This show definitely self selects for drama. The guys who wear their hearts on their sleeves get all weepy when she bangs other people, but the people who have reasonable guards up and stay under the radar get cut for not being open to The Process.

Let's move ahead! We're departing Dublin and heading to the other side of the Emerald Isle to Killarney. Jared gets the first second one-on-one. <--sentence that makes perfect sense in Bach-ette world but is a complete cluster IRL. They drive to Killarney while the rest of the dude ride the bus. Shawn B snores.

Jared pulls out SO MANY cheesy one liners but they seem to be having a fun time in the car. Getting stuck in traffic is actually a great way to get to know someone so good on ya, producers. One good decision so far. They kiss the Blarney Stone.

Roadtrip

Cupcake with the comparisons again, god he's so annoying. "Killarney is old and beautiful like my soul." Go home please.

Ooh this is exciting! Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior visits Kaitlyn to impart his godly wisdom and give her some advice lay down the law. THEY'RE CHANGING EVERYTHING. Instead of 4 guys getting hometown dates, Kaitlyn has to narrow it down to 3 men this week and skip right to the fantasy suite dates. Hometowns when there are 2 left. Essentially, Kaitlyn needs to just sleep with the rest of the guys already level the playing field.

Is this the PR team intervening so save this train wreck of a season? Did Kaitlyn really already pick Shawn and, if so, is this the producers' way of speeding up the season because she wants out? A new way to slash the show's budget? So many questions.

It's like that one time they tried to change the Facebook layout!

Date with Cupcake. The fact that his nametag even says Cupcake means he's going home very soon. They go to the Cliffs of Moher. Chris is way too soft for her. They get a little bit of momentum and almost have a real conversation but then they just go back to talking about the logistics of the show, which is all anyone ever talks about. She breaks up with him. He sobs loudly and says indistinguishable words for a long time, teeters dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Kaitlyn gets in a helicopter and leaves him there. Does he jump? How does he get home? This date departure was classic, almost as good as when Ali left Kasey on a glacier in Iceland.

This actually happened.

Next week we'll find out which guys get to be sloppy seconds to Nick! Something they've all dreamed about, I'm sure. Until then, leave us a comment and share this with your friends!

Points are updated here. Every pool has at least one team that's been eliminated, so we're getting down to the final contenders! Keep up the good work, everyone.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Six: Take a Moment, Say Your Irish Goodbyes

Get ready for another shockingly dramatic episode of The Bachelorette (their words, not mine).

We pick right back up with our boys in San Antonio. Ian is still mid hissy fit, and boy does he show his true colors. The dude had so much potential in the preseason, and he's squandering it away. Under the guise of honesty he calls her shallow and slutty, which all around is not cool. "Is humor really what you're looking for in a husband?" ...uh, chyea dude. What are you looking for? Morticia Addams? There ARE ways to tactfully say "meh, I dont think I like you like you enough" and instead he took the "you stink and I'm hangry" approach.

"I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor" "I feel like I'm destined to be the bachelor" - No, dude. If you did, you would have lasted longer in the game in the process.

"I'm tired of talking about sex all the time"..."I just need to have sex"....uhhhh, kay, byeeeeee. Thanks for the unceremonious elimination points.

It's ok, Stanley. He fooled us ALL on draft night.

Kaitlyn is sad but heroic Nick swoops in with his bowtie and saves the day. I hope you know how much it hurts me to praise Nick, but right now, I have to. The kid's got game. He comes over to Kaitlyn and says some pleasant stuff, and suddenly she's all happy again. Magic cheering up abilities are like boyfriend requirement number one numero uno (sorry, I almost forgot we are still in Texas and I need to make sure all the locals can understand this, right ABC? RIGHT?) He pulls the classic "sorry, I'm two whiskeys deep and I'm just really into you" which is how I landed in my last LTR. Smooth, bro.

Shawn B happens to catch a snippet of their makeout session. Cue handsome broody face.

Side bar: I forgot how bad Joshua's hair is from last episode. It's still soo stupid looking. He's like a puppy in the cone-of-shame, trying so hard to shit on the carpet and piss off the humans, but he's just all around hilarious to look at.

His hair is worse than that time I got a perm

Rose Ceremony at the Alamo! I wish we could give out points for "last stand" comments. Triple points for everyone if the rose ceremony takes place in the basement of the Alamo.

Joshua and Justin leave us. Who is Justin, you ask? Good question. I think the dude had like three talking heads all season. If you're going to make it five weeks earning minimal points, the least you can do for us is cry when you leave. No tears are produced by Justin, but that's ok, because Joshua cries enough for the both of them. I hope that limo swings Joshua by a Supercuts on the way to the airport.

LEAGUE UPDATES:
This rose ceremony knocks several teams out of the competition.

• In Chicago Pool #3, Team Gena thought she was in great shape with three contestants still in the game, only to lose all three in about 15 minutes. Team Gena ends the season with an underwhelming 111pts.
• In the Nashville conference, both Team MJ and Team Rachel hung up the towel thanks to Joshua and Justin's poor performance. Team MJ finished her season with 145pts and Team Rachel ended with 128pts. Better luck next season, girls.

Now, on to the next week and first international trip.

Bring on the obnoxious Ireland cliches! Part of me wants to drink at every mention of luck, leprechauns, and four leaf clovers, but I also like my functioning liver, soooo no can do.

Bring on the Guinness!

Nick gets the first foreign one-on-one. His smug smile is backdropped by all the others dudes' dagger eyes. This is great television. The two go walking through Dublin and again we get to see Kaitlyn's quirky-cute absurd fear of birds. Why would you permanently tattoo yourself with your biggest fear? It makes zero sense. I would never dream of tattooing a snake on my arm (for multiple reasons, but at least one of those reasons is that I'm scared of snakes)

OH LOOK, some completely impromptu Irish dancers. What a fantastic coincidental street perfomance. Did Nick get punched in the teeth recently? He has more of a lisp than usual, and it really wouldn't be surprising if one of the other dudes' fist accidentally fell into his upper lip. MVP of tonight's episode: all of the super uncomfortable locals in the background of Kaitlyn and Nick's makeout shots. This is why America is hated all over the world.

The date card is a limerick. Let's pause while I roll my eyes and refill my wine class.

At "dinner" Nick is wearing a square cut tie. It's better than his old scarves but it still makes me hate him with the fire of a thousand tropical Bachelor date suns. Their date is in a church, but what they're about to do is not allowed in churches. ABC, please stahhhp with the whisper subtitles. These whispering moments are filled with comments I do NOT want to hear.

Turn off the mic. TURN IT OFF.

Folks, we're finally here. We've hit the dramatic climax (heh!) of this season, according to all previews. Kaitlyn has to go and be all "I'm an adult woman in charge of my own body" on us by inviting Nick back to her hotel. Yea, ok, maybe sleeping with one dude while you're dating eight is not the most level-headed, fair choice, but it's just that: a choice. She was into him, she chose to do it, whatever. We've all had some form of one night stand, or relationship that suddenly progressed faster than we realized (except for me, Mom! Promise!). Kaitlyn's just happens to be on tape. No one died. No one was called "fake." No harm, no foul. They all are required to get STD tests before the show anyway, so really sleeping with Nick is a lot safer than picking up some dude the Hangge Uppe. There. I'm done. Let's move on.

OH SNAP, we get a nice twist. The other dudes subtly convince Nick that Shawn had already slept with Kaitlyn. The tables really turn and all of a sudden Nick's mood falls from glowing post-coital to glowering pre-temper tantrum. Remember, this is the same bro who made a big stink last season about Andi sleeping with him and not picking him...now he spends some sexy time with a girl when he has a 1/8 chance of being picked. You dug your own jealousy grave, Nick. Speaking of graves...

Today's group date is black tie optional because it's an Irish wake, for someone who is still alive. C'mon producers, there are SO MANY possible cultural cliches to go with, and you chose a morbid cocktail party with the Titanic soundtrack playing in the background? I was expecting some kind of Blarney Stone visit or Guinness factory tour. The boys are instructed to write a eulogy for Kaitlyn. Cheers to never having to listen to exes give my eulogy! Most of the guys spit great lines, and then Ben Z gets super serious. Poor Ben Z is having flashbacks to his mom's funeral...way to go with the sensitivity, ABC. Kaitlyn then calls him a Teddy bear and doesn't even makeout with him. The dude needs a hug. Ben Z, if you're reading, I'm here for ya.

To add to tonight's oddities, Jared is growing on me. Not like fungus-growing, but like Jimmy-Fallon-on-the-Tonight Show-growing. He nails his one-on-one time with K-money. I never thought I would call him charming, but I was wrong. So wrong, in fact: he gets the group date rose and the first live band. Snaps for Jared, and snaps for The Cranberries coming out of retirement to play their one hit song in a church for two people who are slow dancing with their mouths the whole time.

Meanwhile, Shawn B finally cracks and forgets that his mic still works while he talks to his assigned producer. Apparently ABC declined to show us some time when Kaitlyn and Shawn stayed up talking all night and he finally realizes that there are ten whole episodes to a season. Shawn keeps professing his love for her (although no points are earned, since he is not speaking to her and no actual crying is shown). Homeboy goes to her hotel room to interrupt her dinner and talk to her. She's panicking because a) she doesn't have makeup on yet **GASP** and b) he's delaying the only food she's allowed to actually eat all day.

No rose ceremony, AGAIN, but next week looks like a real tear-doozey. Maybe next week's episode will even out the balance of things and we'll get a rose ceremony at the END of the episode, instead of the beginning. Everyone earn some good karma and say your prayers to Chris Harrison, our lord and savior.

Props to Mary Clare again for holding down Twitter. Also, props to Rob for dropping his first "vis a vis" argument of the season via text.

If you survived this week's eliminations, check out your point standings. Are you cheering for a particular guy to survive or crash and burn? Let us know who in the comments.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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