Britt/Kaitlyn Week 1, Part 2: Love Hunger Games (the odds are not in Britt's favor)

Wow okay they are not wasting any time here tonight. Getting right down to it! I like the efficiency. Chris Harrison walks over to Britt and drops the bomb on her almost immediately. She takes it surprisingly well and with relatively few tears. KAITLYN IS THE BACHETTE!!!!! Side note: My computer keeps trying to autocorrect "Bachette" to "Machete" so if that pops up anywhere it's unintentional. 

In true form, Chris Harrison then pulls his classic bait and switch with Kaitlyn and says, "We tallied up the votes and.......unfortunately...........barely more than half the guys think you're marginally hotter than Britt." Kaitlyn legit looks like she's gonna vomit and also is trying so hard not to just scream HAHA IN YOUR FACE YOU OVERCONFIDENT BRATZ DOLL at Britt who already peaced out to cry in private.

Yay, Kaitlyn. We all knew it was her but now it's officially official. Let the games begin...

Ian again getting assertive with the immediate steals. A few others follow suit now that they've realized the power is no longer in their hands. #cocktailpartystrategies

Joshua gives her the metal rose which he definitely welded JUST for her.

Chris sneaks in with the first real kiss!!! 10 points to the guy from the cupcake car. That was a cute kiss. Still surprised at happening the first night, like way to build a solid foundation man.

OH SNAP Shawn B totally upstages Cupcake with what might be the hottest first kiss In Bachelor History. Two kisses on the first night! Points only awarded for the first one but seriously Shawn B omg. Wowie. I think all of America needed a cold shower after watching that.

We said goodbye to quite a few men this week, some surprises and some not so much. Excited to find out if Britt and Brady are a thing after that dramatic mid-rose ceremony self-removal. Josh the stripper is going back to stripping, Shawn E the sex coach is going back to sex coaching. Bradley and David never stood a chance. So long, fellas.

So we end the night with a preview for the rest of the season and holy triceratops-riding Chris Harrison are we in for a good one. Here's some of what ABC's beautiful producers/real life heroes have in store for us:

• Surprise Nick V, which is the best kind of Nick V. Proves that having an in with Chris Harrison is like having that skip-the-line pass at Disney World.
• SEX! Not alleged sex disguised as skinny dipping. Real, bonafide boning. ~*dRaMa!!!*~
• An alarming amount of Jared.

WATCH IT. WATCH IT NOW.


Points for each team have been tallied! Ryan M really did a number on this week's totals. Check your standings here. If you haven't submitted your team name, let me or Julie know soon!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Britt/Kaitlyn Week 1, Part 1: Go Home, You're Drunk.

Hold on to your hats, people, it's going to be a wild ride. The season is already off to a great start, and we're only one episode in.

First, a big welcome to all the new league participants! The Roses to Riches Chicago conference has increased to a whopping three pools and the Nashville Conference is growing as well. We're at record capacity this year and actually had to turn people away. Looking into expansion possibilities, so stay tuned for that.

Second, huge thanks to the Orchard gals for hosting draft night. The Coach House is out of commission and Julie took the TV, so we appreciate you allowing the league to take over your living room for the evening.

Right off the bat in this episode we get some nice quality time with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. I've missed him so! He tries to convince America that allowing men to choose the Bach-ette will offer a better opportunity for true love to blossom. He only said that to work in the rose pun, so I can't fault him for that. Side note: can't wait to pre-order The Perfect Letter!

Here's a rundown of the contestants for this season. What follows is a combination of a few people's note-taking, plus crowd reactions and text message conversations.

Ben H. Julie knows him! Kind of. Friend of a friend.
Ben Z. Former almost-NFL player. Dead mom. Front runner
Bradley
Brady. Singer from Nashville. Waxes poetic about Britt being a billion on a scale of 1 to 10, says he has melodies inside him. ok.
Chris arrived in a cupcake car
Clint looks like a loser, needs a haircut.
Corey
Cory no E. I call him Flex.
Daniel is almost definitely gay. We can tell by his occupation and also because Emily knows three girls who have made out with him and can back this claim up
David
Ian in a coma from car accident. Taking an early lead
Jared awkwardly talking at both of them while standing only in front of Britt. Possibly gay. Snaggletooth
JJ tryna puck Kaitlyn. She digs the jokes
Joe needs a haircut but love the moonshine and the accent. "yes ma'am" ftw
Jonathan has a child. And earrings.
Josh. Criminal lawyer/stripper. Unable to find a wife among the women who watch him strip. He seems bewildered by this so now he's on the show, procrastinating studying for the bar. BEWARE ANYONE ON THIS SHOW NAMED JOSH. DID NO ONE LEARN THAT LESSON FROM ANDI'S SEASON?
Joshua the welder from Idaho. Makes a promising metaphor about welding and love with heat, friction and sparks flying. Okay that metal rose though...
Justin OMG every J name on the planet in this cast
Kupah looks like a half-black Pitbull. The man, not the dog. I like him mostly because his answers online sound like he was just g-chatting someone about going on the show. "What does marriage mean to you?" "FOOORREEEVEEERRRRR."
Ryan B
Ryan M is drunk already, just go home
Shawn B Ryan Gosling doppelgänger holy smokes
Shawn E, amateur sex coach (not even a professional?!) and arrived in a hot tub
Tanner pwns Britt immediately by handing her some tissues. Kaitlyn continues the pwn-age, asking "Is that soap or tissues??" Heh.
Tony omg he literally just kissed his plants. "See you later babies." Plant kisser! He's talking yogi nonsense about the puzzle pieces of life and sounds like he's on a lot of drugs. Also has a suspicious black eye...

The cocktail party is in full swing and the guys are in serious competition analysis mode. They're discussing the ladies as if they are a political platform. "Are you pro-Kaitlyn or pro-Britt?" "I just found a pocket of people who are pro-Kaitlyn." "I haven't decided which way I'm voting yet." It's called love guys just follow your hearts. Not that hard.

Ian with the first steal of the evening! He stole Kaitlyn from the group though, not from an individual, so no points awarded for that. He's an early favorite among the viewing audience.

Clint earns huge metaphorical points with his cocktail party stunt. He brings out a framed piece of art and it is the most beautiful masterpiece I have ever seen, second only to The Naked Man. It's a pencil drawing. Of Chris Harrison. RIDING A TRICERATOPS. I would pay big money to own this piece of history.

Then, we have Ryan M. Oh, Ryan M. So many points, so little screen time! The guy shows up already drunk, then proceeds to:

- Call out Shawn E's limo stunt as stupid, telling him he sucks

- Bang on the windows during other people's intros, waving like an idiot

- Slap Kaitlyn's rear end 

- Shout "IS THIS THE GAY BACHELOR?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY" after doing a scan of all the guys in the room

If this isn't enough, he then strips naked (where was Josh for this?) and jumps in the pool. He's literally falling over as he tries to get out of the pool, then goes running around the house tearing shit up and knocking pictures off the walls. JJ tries to intervene, asking him, "Why do you have your shirt off right now?" 

To which Ryan M responds, "WHY AM I NOT RAPING YOU RIGHT NOW?"

Then, for the first time in Bachelor history, Chris Harrison intervenes! Ryan M gets bounced out by the large man in the golf cap, struggles to navigate his way around the rose bush, and gets sent home by Our Lord and Savior in a prison van. No rejection limo for you, sir. #byeforever

The guys then start to vote on who they want by putting a rose in one of two boxes. Tony rushes to the ballot box before Chris Harrison even stops talking. "The energy coming from the chest with Britt's name on it was...pulsating." Cool it on the sensual talk dude it's night one.

Of COURSE ABC left us with a cliff hanger. Darn you, producers and your antics. Why can't I be one of you.

Tonight we'll find out who the Bachette is! We'll also have preliminary standings at the end of the episode, which will go up Wednesday.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

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Chris Week One, Draft Night: Prince Farming's Big Debut

Well, folks, it's finally that time of year when Mondays are our favorite day of the week. BACHELOR SEASON IS BACK! Put on your snazziest judging clothes, because all bets are on.

In case you live under a rock and/or are a complete moron, this season's piece of meat up for grabs is hunky farm boy Chris: a millionaire farmer from Podunk Arlington, Iowa. He subtly made a name for himself on Andi's season by being the most rational, reasonable contestant ever to set foot in the Bachelor mansion.

Here's hoping ABC brought their first string producers and interns to stir up some drama for us, because I am a little fearful that Chris' devastating earnestness won't make great TV. But based on the season's previews, I'm confident that the producers won't disappoint. A few things we've got in store for us include:

• "The strangest rose ceremony we've ever seen on the show"
• VIRGIN! IN THE FANTASY SUITE! 

Say it in Professor Quirrell's voice 

• Someone requiring oxygen from a medical professional
• Make-out montages
• Betch tears on betch tears on betch tears

Some notes before we get started. Point categories are located here. Team Rosters are here. For clarity purposes, Bachelor Chris will be referred to as Chris, among any/all punny nicknames we assign him. Chris Harrison will always be referred to as Chris Harrison, Cupid, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, or simply CH. 

Master Matchmaker

Let's go through the ladies in alphabetical order. Chris is presented with an unprecedented 30 potential wifeys this season, and quickly gets overwhelmed by the choices. At one point, he confesses, "I wish I was a polygamist right now."

This is how I would be if I were in Chris' shoes:

Luckily for us, Chris is more open minded. Let's take a look-see...

Alissa, 24, flight attendant. Brought a seatbelt and did the demo. "That was f***ing adorable." -said all the bachelorettes from inside, and all of us viewers at home.

Amanda, 24, ballet teacher. Alarmingly large eyes. Tried to be Chris' secret admirer the way he was for Andi. Didn't pull it off; Chris' reaction was, "K." She was sent home.

Amber, 29, bartender. Brought her teddy bear...

Ashley I, 26, nanny.

Ashley S, 24, hair stylist. Got wasted and started hallucinating pomegranates outside with the producers while she talked about peeling away the layers of an onion. She looks very distracted all the time, not much going on upstairs.

Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant. Chris dug her. Checkin her OUT and tongue tied.

Bo, 25, plus-size model

Britt, 27, waitress. Gave Chris the longest hug ever experienced and OMG she is almost as devastatingly earnest as he is. Is this even possible?? Early front runner, probably has a target on her back. #bachelorjargon

Brittany, 26, WWE diva-in-training. Enough said.

Carly, 29, cruise ship singer. During her entrance, other girls were watching from inside. "What is she singing?" "I don't know but I think she's going to get eliminated tonight."

Jade, 28, cosmetics developer. Seems legit. Promising musical accompaniment with her entrance.

Jillian, 25, news producer. Kind of scary. Keeps flexing for the camera...?

Jordan, 24, student. Takes whiskey shots with Chris as her entrance gimmick.

Juelia 30, esthetician. Disqualified from life based on the spelling of her name.

Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor. Doesn't blink often enough. Tells super inappropriate jokes, is loud and crude. She'll earn some points for us hopefully.

Kara, 25, high school soccer coach. Got out of the limo and immediately mentions having babies with Chris. Slow your roll, girlfriend.

Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor. We like Kelsey. She's cute and normal.

Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor.

Mackenzie, 21, dental assistant. She's 21.

Megan, 23, makeup artist.

Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator.

Nicole, 31, real estate agent. Red head! Solidarity, sister. Sorry you went home.

Nikki, 26, FORMER NFL cheerleader. The Josh of Chris' season. What is she currently doing with her life?! Also my dog's name is Nikki.

Reegan, 28, donated tissue specialist. She brought out tissue from a heart and Chris was disgusted, so she reminded him that "IT WAS A JOKE" while making that emoji face with all the teeth.

IT WAS A JOKE.

Samantha, 27, fashion designer.

Tandra, 30, executive assistant. Rode in on a motorcycle.

Tara, 26, sport fishing enthusiast. I assume she's taking a cue from Dog Lover on her profession. Homegirl stepped out of the limo in daisy dukes and cowgirl boots and Chris seemed to dig it. She should've quit while she was ahead. She proceeded to change clothes, re-introduce herself, and then slam a few too many Jack on the rocks. She barely made it through the rose ceremony without vomming and passing out. Chris decided to give her a second chance so we'll see how she handles her liquor next week. Jack wins every time, Tara. Everyone knows that.

Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher.

Trina, 33, special education teacher.

Whitney, 29, fertility nurse. Corinne knows her! Kind of.

The whole thing with two groups of limos was silly. "Another limo showed up in front of the mansion surprising everyone no one." -Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. All this did was cause a huge rift between the Original Fifteen and the Nouveau Femmes.

Also why was this premiere THREE WHOLE HOURS? So unnecessary. Britt got the First Impression Rose and the First Real Kiss, blowing everyone else out of the water and earning us lots of points right out of the gate. Lots of people are #TeamBritt, but I have to say I'm a little skeptical. She seems almost too good to be true. I think the producers are setting America up for heartbreak. Planting the seeds early.

In true Bachelor form, ABC left us with a cliffhanger! Kimberly was eliminated but after crying some betch tears for the camera she decided she wasn't ready to leave just yet (even though it was morning wtf I'd be out of there so fast). She goes back in to talk to Chris in what will hopefully be a teary drunken confrontation. We won't know for sure until next week! Can't wait. This is going to be a great season.

We have a record number of people playing this season, so we had to make THREE pools! Points are up here. Those with Britt on their teams are killing it right now, but don't fret! There will be plenty of crazy to go around.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Draft Results

The draft is finalized, team selections are below. Team names, if chosen, are shown. A photo roster is below for visual reference.

Julie's Jezebels:

Nikki

Renee

Amy J.

Ashley

Christine

Lucy

Kylie

Chantal

Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

Sharleen

Victoria

Clare

Lucy

Lacy

Danielle

Christy

Cassandra

Cooney's Cunts

Andi

Renee

Alli

Chelsie

Kat

Alexis

Kelly

Amy J.

Corinne's Circle of Bitches

Nikki

Lacy

Christine

Maggie

Alexis

Lauren H.

Elise

Christy

Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

Alli

Lauren S.

Clare

Kat

Ashley

Maggie

Danielle

Kylie

J-$'s Dime$

Sharleen

Renee

Valerie

Lauren H.

Christine

Elise

Amy L.

Cassandra

Maggie's Maids of Mischief. Last place! Wins wine!

Alexis

Lauren S.

Elise

Valerie

Lucy

Chantal

Amy L.

Kylie

MC's McSluts

Nikki

Andi

Sharleen

Lauren H.

Chelsie

Victoria

Amy J.

Kelly

Audrey's Fetch Betches

Andi

Clare

Alli

Maggie

Ashley

Danielle

Kat

Chantal

Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

Lauren S.

Victoria

Chelsie

Lacy

Valerie

Kelly

Christy

Cassandra

The Bachelorettes

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