JoJo's Season: The Bros Before the Rose

HEY GUYS.

Eliz here, comin at ya this week from my happy place: drinking tinto on the porch while blogging about the Bachelorette. For our fans out there who don't actually know me (AND I KNOW YOU EXIST), I promise I'm cool.

It feels like it has been for.ev.er. since Ben's season ended, doesn't it? It was a long, cold winter without y'all. We're almost back and I could not be more jazzed about it.

Let's take a moment... and praise Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that the Bachelorette is not Caila. I would be in a sad sad state if I had to watch her manic robot performances for an entire season. I was Team JoJo from the get go. Plus, from the few short previews I've seen, JoJo's season promises us a wiiild ride on that ERC (Emotional Roller Coaster for you NARPs), which is nothing short of thrilling.

The cast of characters list of suitors was finally released last week, much to my delight, so I'm here to break it down and give you my completely biased opinions about JoJo's future husband. I'm no fan of dilly dallying, so let's jump right in.

First glance. Just opened the page and saw one man in a Santa suit and one man in a kilt. Don't know who they are but gonna go ahead and nix those two before we even start.

Second glance. These guys are all so...pretty. Except for a select few. I'm not sure if that's good or bad for them. Hopefully for JoJo's sake (and ours) they are less pretty in person because honestly I'm not tryna date someone who has better eyebrows than I do. Also this yearbook-style blue background kills me every year. You rock, never change. XOXO, Eliz

Third, before we really dig deep, here are the men who qualify for minority points in the fantasy league: Christian, Grant, Jake, Jonathan. THIS IS THE FINAL DECISION. YOU WILL BE REFERRED HERE IF YOU DISPUTE MINORITY POINTS AT ANY TIME DURING THE SEASON.

Shit, y'all, the website crashed. ABC.go.com has failed me. Does Chris Harrison even realize how long my breath has been bated for this moment? How can you do me like this, C?!

False alarm. Wifi went out for a hot sec. Phew.

For real this time. Here's what we're working with this year. Let's take a look-see.

My Bachelorette MO tbh.

Alex, 25, US Marine
Very short in comparison with the rest of the guys, but everything else about him seems super promising. He saved someone from a burning car once. May prove to be too mature for this show.

Ali, 27, Bartender
Afraid of "bugs, cockroaches and bees" (am I the only one who groups those things together as one category and not three?), loves it when his date "dresses sexy" (eye roll). Will Ali have Persian heritage in common with JoJo, an assumption based solely on his name and his face? Maybe. Is that racial profiling? Definitely.

Brandon, 28, Hipster
Self-diagnosed hopeless romantic, idealistic, needs a haircut.

Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent
Is this the OC (Original Chad)? Could ignite some Chad-PTSD for JoJo. In his bio, he answered three different questions with "myself in 10 years." Those questions were: "Who do you admire most in the world?" "If you could be someone else for just one day, who would you be?" and "If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?" Kill me now. His one redeeming quality (former Marine) is completely negated by his greatest achievement to date, which he listed as "being born good looking." Get over yourself, Chad. Your name is Chad.

Chase, 27, Medical Sales Rep
I've read his profile like 4 times and haven't retained anything.

Christian, 26, Telecom Consultant
Victim of ex-girlfriend pet theft. But it was a Chihuahua so I don't feel bad.

Coley, 27, Real Estate Consultant
Hair is indistinguishable between manbun and greased back mullet. Ew. But he is anti-phone-during-dates so he gets points for that.

Derek, 29, Commercial Banker
Okay Derek is someone I could get under  on top of  on board with. Good writer, good eyebrows, good number of inches...taller than me. Questionable cucumber phobia but I'm sure that's easily explained. We all have our quirks.

Daniel, 31, Male Model
Daniel refers to his body as a "Lambo" not once, but TWICE in his bio. His OWN body. Not even JoJo's body, which arguably would be better, depending on who you ask. I'm sorry, Daniel. Gtfo. That kind of cockiness would make me run for the hills. JoJo, be careful.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Expert
WHERE DO I EVEN START. There's so much meat here. Or is it not enough meat? Ha. Penis jokes. How does one become an erectile disfunction expert? From experience? Is this a medical profession? I have so many questions and nothing else about him matters anymore. OH except I just read that one of his deal breakers is "girls with chipped nail polish." Sorry, Evan, you aren't hot enough to have requirements that outrageous. Baiiiiiii.

Grant, 27, Firefighter
Poor man's Derek Morgan. Doesn't like when girls talk about Harry Potter for more than 20 minutes on a date. Rude, but he'll be nice to look at.

Hey, baby girl.

Jake, 26, Landscape Architect
Overly confident about his future with JoJo. His answers are all very cocky, yet he lists humility as his best attribute. Suspicious.

James F, 34, Boxing Club Owner
In addition to throwing a mean left hook (just like me), James F seems like a totally reasonable and normal person! He won't last more than two episodes. His shirt isn't tight enough.

James S, 27, Bachelor Superfan
Not even clicking on the full bio based on his "profession."

James Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter
I've had a lot of tinto and I'm not absorbing anything from this guy's bio. His face is weird and he might be the Brady of this season. Saw the word daddy and x-ed out immediately. Noooope. Also he's named James Taylor.

Jonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep
Has a tattoo of his grandmother. Dislikes all vegetables. Swipe left.

Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback
NO. NOT AGAIN. This show and its former professional athletes. Ughhhhhghhhghgh. Please prove me wrong, Jordan. Please. I'm having flashbacks of Josh M.

Luke, 31, War Veteran
Remarkably unremarkable.

Nick B, 33, Electrical Engineer
He's got an automatic leg up with his last initial B. The three most recent winners of the show all had B last names too (Lauren B, Shawn B, Whitney B). Other than that Nick B seems pretty decent. Plus he plays rugby. Hoping for some Gratuitous Nakedness Points with this one. #DemThighsDoe

Nick S, 26, Software Salesman
Goodness gracious, another Nick who sells software? We've been here before; I recognize that tree. I just took a closer look at Nick S's picture and was alarmed by what appears to be a rolled up bandana necklace. Wild West meets tech nerd? Who let him keep that thing on for his photo? I appreciate that his bio answers made me giggle (dreams of running a tomato farm one day, dislikes "scary cheeses") but I don't know if I can get past his fashion choices.

Peter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager
Needs to hurry up and choose between clean shaven or full beard. The in-between stage is really not working for him. Ain't gon be meeting Peter at the perk if he looks like that.

Robby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer
Former Competitive Swimmer? Seriously, Robby? I ALSO AM A FORMER COMPETITIVE SWIMMER but you don't see me listing that on job applications or my Bumble profile. Might as well add all your other high school and middle school accolades while you're at it. Former Spanish Club President, Former Key Club Treasurer, Former Spelling Bee Champion...

Sal, 28, Operations Manager
I can't think about anything except that children's book called Blueberries for Sal. All I want to do now is go back to Nesbit, Mississippi and pick blueberries. Country roads, take me home...

Vinny, 28, Barber
Don't think Vinny will be a strong contender.

Wells, 31, Radio DJ
Not your typical face for radio. I'm okay with it. His ideal date is also my ideal date, so there's that. "Really good tacos, a great live band, a walk around the city, and wine and cheese on my front porch as Otis Redding plays on my turn table." *sWoOn* Okay, Wells, I'm impressed. If things don't work out between you and JoJo, I'll be seeing you in Nashville v soon.

Will, 26, Civil Engineer
Shave the soul patch, please. Then we can reevaluate.

FINALLY DONE. Man, that was exhausting. If you've made it this far, you're welcome for doing your research for you.

Okay! Now that that's out of the way, super excited for this season to get rolling. There's still time to get a pool together for the league and sign up online. Up there at the top there's a section called Register Your Pool. That's where you register your pool. If you aren't smart enough to figure out the form, you aren't smart enough to be in the league and that's that.

Let the drama begin.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Seven: What Came from Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas

Hello, Bachelor nation! Guest columnist Rob here blogging from the mean streets of Chicago. If you've never had the pleasure of watching an episode of The Bachelor with the league at The Nest, it's quite an experience. Wine is in abundance. Earplugs are necessary.

As the solitary straight man in attendance this past week, I feel it is my duty to give my take on this week's episode with an honest eye. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins in Warsaw, IN. Like most places in Indiana, the settlers of the town were lazy and just decided to name it after some other place in the world. Also, fun fact: I once puked in Warsaw, IN but that's a story for another post on another blog.

It's Meet-Ben's-Parents week (for one of the girls at least, more on that later) and we see Ben greet them in the local greasy spoon. They seem like wholesome, God-fearing Americans so all seems right with the world. Ben goes through a rundown of all the girls left and Ben's mom is like, "wait, what? one of them has two kids? I ain't ready to be an insta-gram."

The women check in to the nicest Air BnB within a fifty mile radius and for some reason tell us they love Warsaw, IN. This is perhaps the most confusing part of the episode.

Pawnee = Warsaw.

Ben greets the ladies and then asks out Lauren for a coveted one-on-one in front of everyone. This is taken as an affront to the rest of the women and tears are had.

I hear a wine bottle pop next to me and we are well underway here at The Nest.

BYOWine is how we roll.

Ben gives Lauren the world-renowned tour of Warsaw and they hit all the must-see stops. The old movie theater where he had his first kiss. His high school. And finally the Baker Youth Club.

Alright, let's cut the snark. This date was awesome. Lauren and Ben really hit it off and seemed to have a genuine connection. If I was a gambling man (wait, I am), I'd put all my money on Lauren winning. Also, how great is Ben with kids?! He sat down with a kid who was crying and comforted him. HE'S A SAINT. And Lauren was ~loving it~. I'm fairly confident she was ready to jump him right there and procreate on the spot.

Then some wizard of a child sinks a half court shot like he's Steph Curry and Ben has to kiss Lauren in front of all the children of the corn. Adorable.

Ronnie, all day err day.

Ben and Lauren then pretended to have dinner and chatted about how THAT BITCH (can I say that here?) tried to steamroll over their connection last week. Praise God everything seems back on track for them to have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

Back at the AirBnB, a letter arrives and Jojo is the lucky lady who snags a one-on-one. Seriously, Jojo. Go by anything but Jojo. You're not a backup dancer for Prince. I digress... It's off to Chicago we go! Hey, I live there!

Jojo and Ben straddle each other on Clark Street and then go to Wrigley Field for a dream date complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. I don't know about you but I would find that creepy. The audience at The Nest did not think so, commenting: 

"He looks good in a Cubs jersey...or anything."

"Or nothing."

But it gets better! After frolicking on the field and being master batters, Ben treats Jojo, who I reiterate is not a backup dancer for Prince, to faux dinner on the field. This elicited the following reaction from the crowd at home:

"Are you freaking kidding me?" (that's jealousy, for all you non-Chicagoans/Cubs fans)

Jojo explains to Ben that she's scared by how much she cares about him. Note to everyone ever: if someone says this to you, RUN.

Cut to Warsaw and the rest of the women are giving Lauren the resting bitch face because she's still glowing from her date with Ben. A card is delivered and ...wait for it... it's a group date! Caila, Amanda, and Becca are chosen which means that Emily, who's "pretty but just has a weird face," gets a one-on-one. Emily and her oxymoron of a face proceed to cry ugly tears of joy.

We then see Caila, Amanda, and Becca standing on a dock and Ben pulling up in a boat on a small lake that sometimes catches fire because it's in freaking Warsaw, IN. The four of them get into row boats two by two and proceed to spin in circles because the complexities of rowing a boat are beyond all of them. This is by far the worst group date ever and I swear, Caila and Amanda are automatons. I don't see why they're still here. Caila's time with Ben is always excruciating to watch and the fact that he *thinks* there's a connection there makes me think Caila's meandering and confusing non-answers to his questions have put a spell on him. Seriously. “I picture myself as moss, and I’ve always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with.” Good talk.

Becca, who is a smokeshow, lays it all on the line and tells Ben not to blindside her. This interaction in the middle of a fallow Indiana corn field brought forth the following line from the peanut gallery: 

"They're either gonna break up or have sex right now."

Probably not the latter, because, Becca.

Amanda inhales three balloons of helium and then pretends that she can show emotions through her Botox injected face. People, she's in her 20s. At this rate she'll look like Joan Rivers by 35.

Ben is then faced with the tough decision of giving one rose out. This is a biggie since it means the rest of the day will be a one-on-one and he will meet the girl's family next week. I have no idea why but he gives the rose to Amanda. Becca and Caila are devastated.

Since we've already spent ten minutes too many in Warsaw, IN and have run out of places to see, Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's for the rest of their date. This actually happened.

To make it abundantly clear that the bachelor has sold its soul to the Kroc family, Ben and Amanda share a French fry kiss in the style of Lady and the Tramp. Somewhere, Walt Disney weeps.

Next we have an uneventful one-on-one with Emily and Ben. Lolz jk it's a shitshow. Emily wears what I can only describe as stripper jeans and then proceeds to tell Ben's mom that she's "dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember" following that gem up with, "I feel like I'm average at everything in life."

This is so incomprehensibly stupid that there are no words in the English language sufficient to describe what has just happened. If Las Vegas was to take the form of a human being, it would be Emily.

Ben's mom then cries when she talks with Ben because Emily is so terrible. Everything that occurred on this date made me uncomfortable. One onlooker was quoted as saying, "She's like Taylor Swift smashed together with Sarah Palin." An apt comparison.

Ben and Emily leave and praise Chris Harrison that date is over. Ben then sits on the dock by their AirBnB and tells Emily she's the worst while the rest of the girls look on from the house. #ColdBlooded.

Finally we reach the rose ceremony and Ben looks DISTRAUGHT. It's looking like a photo finish for the last rose between Caila and Becca. We all know Lauren is gonna get one because she's #thebest and Amanda already has one because Ben meeting children makes for good TV. Jojo is just there so whatever.

Boom. Lauren B gets a rose.

Boom. Jojo gets a rose.

#DRAMATICMUSIC

BOOM. Caila gets a rose.

~and the crowd goes wild...with anger~

Becca walks away with Ben, which autocorrects to barn sometimes, and speaking for the rest of America asks, "Why did you do that?"

Ben, knowing he made a mistake, can't really come up with a coherent answer. As a straight man, I know why this occurred. WE ARE DUMB AND MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES. Unfortunately for Ben, his mistake cost him a smokeshow in front of millions of screaming fans at home across North America.

In summation, Ben is an idiot and shouldn't have chosen Caila. She's the worst and her name looks like the word Cialis. Lauren is an angel sent from heaven and will win. Jojo really needs to pick a different name to go by, and Amanda sounds like she's inhaled helium at all times. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.

Love and Roses,

Rob
Straight, Male, First Time League Participant

HUGE thank you to Rob for writing this week's post! If you thought it was funny, which you should because it was, follow him on Twitter for more hilarity (@_ob_yan). Teams and standings are up to date! Some teams who are already out still have a chance of making the podium, which would be a first in Roses to Riches history. Let's make history, people. Love you all.

At least Twimily went down swingin'.

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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Ben H Week One: Gettin' Higgy Wit It

Welcome back, Baches!

It feels like years since the last time we were graced with the wise words of Chris Harrison, our Lord and Savior. He's back in all of his therapeutic glory and we couldn't be happier.

My winter just got 28 degrees warmer.

The Roses to Riches Fantasy League has grown exponentially since the amateur days of Desiree's season. We're up to over 70 players in 6+ states! We have satellite conferences in Nashville, Lexington, and New York City. Yours truly is playing in the Remote Conference (aka Hoes in Different Area Codes) with competition from all over the country. The Chicago Conference is up to 5 pools of players and even conducted their draft at a sponsor bar. Congrats, folks. We've hit the big time. If we get any bigger, we might have to institute a bowl playoff system with a totally biased selection committee.

Let's get down to business, shall we? Judging by the season previews, we are in for a classically dramatic season. Night one was no disappointment. Ben H's season is full of just enough weirdos to keep our game fun. Personal favorites from draft night include the crazy chicken lady, drunk girl already stirring up trouble, and Lil' Sebastian's hillbilly friend.

RIP lil' buddy. You will always be missed.

Can we halt for a moment and talk about how Ben H is 26 and from almost the same hometown as me? He might as well be all the losers I wanted to date in high school. I don't even pay my own cell phone bill yet and this kid is talking about marriage. How could a town an hour away produce Ben H but my hometown only produced meth-addicts and Best Buy employees? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

All angsty thoughts aside, Ben H is quite good at playing the Bachelor game. He and Christ Chris Harrison are already best bros, and as we learned from 'ole Juan Pablo, that is the key to success and positive PR.

Straight out of the limo some ladies make swift advances. Lace says "hi" with an awkward kiss (does not count for points.) Leah uses a football ruse as an excuse to hike up her dress and show off the goods. JoJo terrifies us all with a unicorn mask. Lauren R confessed her social media stalking skills. The twins say and do the exact same things all night, raising suspicions of cloning and/or robot parts.

Props go out to my girl Izzy for wearing a comfy pajama onesie to such an uncomfortable formal event. You da real MVP.

Becca and Amber, the two girls from prior seasons, show up fashionably late with smug got-this-in-the-bag expressions. Naturally, the other girls already hate them.

Speaking of hate, Lace has a fewww too many glasses of pinot and has already brought our her crazy and her claws. Instead of hiding her inner-lunatic for just one night like the rest of the contestants, she decides to start shit talking and asking Ben for more attention. Not the smoothest of moves. Lace turns out to be quite the point-cow, however, thanks to her knack for insulting others and stealing Ben during one-on-one times.

Lace is the type to burn all of your stuff because your phone died.

The first impression rose, and 10 beautiful points, goes to Olivia. She's was an obvious front-runner from her introduction, but the first impression rose, aka kiss of death, almost certainly means she doesn't win. I hope she has a contingency plan, because she quit her new anchor gig to embarrass herself on television.

Thank goodness ABC followed protocol this season and gave us a rose ceremony on the first night. They tried to get all tricky last season which just flared up my stress ulcer. The rose ceremony happens at what appears to be 6am. The gals are all nervous and Lace is having trouble standing up straight. Some surprising keeps, other than Miss Inebriation, are the mother of two and the girl who never spoke English.

Our eliminated one-night-wonders are:
Breanne (the gluten hater)
Tiara (crazy chicken lady)
Maegan (can we keep Lil' Sebastian?)
Izzy (onesie hero)
Laura (intelligent redhead - who saw that coming? Sorry, Eliz)
Jessica (I don't remember anything distinct about her)

Too bad, so sad ladies.

League members, check your points and rosters on your conference page. For the sake of efficiency, Lexington is listed as part of the Nashville Conference. Don't forget to send us your team name and Tweet your watch party photos to @RosestoRiches. The league is much more fun when trash talking is involved, so pool texts/emails are highly encouraged. Feel free to also leave those thoughts and feelings in the comment section of this post.

May the roses be ever in your favor.

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

Special thanks this week goes out to Conor at Gaslight Pub in Chicago. We appreciate your patience, accommodating spirit, and sense of humor. We'll be back with bells on, if you'll have us! We may even bring you a rose.

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Kaitlyn Finale: Shine Bright Like a Neil Lane Diamond

We finally leave the land of boring "hometowns" and head back to Los Angeles. The peanut gallery is berating both Shawn and Nick for being such whiny little bitches about each other. Seriously, will it ever stop? And then, in the midst of the suitcase packing montage, as if sent from Chris Harrison above, Shawn bends over.

Silence from the peanut gallery.

I'll just wait for Shawn right here.

Dat ass doe.

Kaitlyn's family comes all the way from Canada to meet these two dudes, one of whom will be part of their lives for the foreseeable future forever. She tells them first aboot Nick, and aboot how they boned super early, oopsies! Then when he arrives and right before they go in she's all, "Oh yeah by the way, they know we had sex on the first date." What a way to make a first impression. Throwing him to the lions!

Kaitlyn needs a haircut, those split ends are killer. It must be from her recent dye job.

Nick doesn't fit on the couch!! How incredibly awkward. He also talks behind his hands which just screams DON'T TRUST ME.

Nick would fail at trust falls.

Kaitlyn says her relationship with Nick is intense. But wait a minute...I thought it was in cabins! (Hi Julie)

I packed all wrong.

K's mom is skeptical about Nick. They sit down for a spontaneous heart to heart. WOW omg so many man tears from Nick and a complete 180 from the mom. I think Nick sheds more man tears in this conversation than all other men in Bachelor History combined. She loves him what the heck.

Mom: "I saw you last season. You were arrogant. Are you surprised you've made it this far?"
Nick: "NOPE! Cause I'm awesome."

Nick gets the blessing from the dad.

Well played, kid.

Shawn's turn! He comes bearing flowers and moonshine. Even a gift for the sister's kids! He's winning so far.

Mom: "I have a question for you. I already asked this of The Other Guy."
Shawn: "Gonna stop you right there... Knucks."
Mom: "I just need to know. Are my eyelashes too out of control?"

Mom talks to Shawn about Nick because that's the most important thing of all time in all relationships ever. She basically tells Shawn in so many words that Kaitlyn is a sloot and he just has to deal. Also she cries at the drop of a hat. Like mother, like daughter I guess.

The fam is #TeamShawn. He talks to Dad for a bit, then makes the power move and brings in Mom for the asking for hand in marriage. They say yes to him too.

You have our blessing! And YOU have our blessing! AND YOU have our blessing!

Nick's final date on a boat. They snog and talk about their families getting together at a bbq. That seems legit. But overall Nick's date is not going great. She seems to be pulling back from him. They keep reminiscing and talking about nothing special.

Nick: "I got you a gift, it's in my pants bedroom."

Oh lord, it's poetry. Nope nope nope. He can't even get artistry as a form of flattery points here ughhhhh! She looks like she feels guilty about this gift, like she's leading him on by accepting it.

Shawn's final date at a winery. We learn that Shawn has a sunscreen intern! There's hope for me on the show after all! That was the only thing holding me back...signing up now.

Shawn gives really good toasts too. Did he and Ben H take Toastmasters together?

They sit in the winery and talk for a while, and this happens:

Kaitlyn makes Shawn a little nervy because she's incapable of expressing her emotions (I feel your pain, girlfriend). But they talk it out and have an adorable conversation about their future together.

Shawn gives her a memory jar. She's noticeably more excited and touchy with him than she is with Nick. Gosh darn it they are so cute together. #ItIsDecided

Neil Lane's here! Good to see you, man. Welcome back. Nick and Shawn pick out rings from a predetermined, Bach-ette approved selection.

IT IS TIME.

Damn, Shawn looks freakin SHARP. Not many men can wear a suit like he can. Juxtapose that beautiful specimen with a shot of Nick getting ready with puka shell bracelets. No contest. Take those off, you are 34 years old!

Wait, the proposal is happening at the house?? The budget is getting SLASHED this season. This is lame.

Remember Bali? Or the Caymans? Or all of those beach places?

Who's getting the boot?? The anxiety is killing me! The driveway is gleaming so beautifully, how long did the interns have to hoard their leftover shower water to make that cement so wet? #droughtproblems

Nick's limo arrives first. Once second best, always second best. She lets him say a whole spiel but then stops him before he gets down on one knee. She should've ended it earlier and not let him talk. Poor guy. They have one of the most legit breakups ever on the show. That was for real. He seemed legitimately mad and hurt and they actually talked about real things.

Tossing the Neil Lane box and then the Claddagh ring. Such a statement. Sorry, Nick V. Looks like a classic case of Other Guys Finish Last.

Maybe next season, champ.

Okay but for real she looks so much happier with Shawn. You can see it in her eyes. Shawn wins the Final Rose, Kaitlyn's heart, and 40 POINTS! They seem happy. Good for them. Roses to Riches wishes you all the best.

And just like that, it's over. Our 5th season has come to a close. Congrats to our winners! In the Chicago Conference, Never Gonna Win Corinne ran away with it and ended up with an incredible 313 points. Competitive Clare had Shawn on her team and jumped two spots to second place, bumping Elizabeth's Team of Calloused Up Weinies to third and pushing Julie's Jerks off the podium.

Chicago Conference #2 was a tight race to the end. Maddie took first place with 243! Audrey's Angsty Assholes finished in a close second with 237 points. League newcomer Sara took third with 205.

In Chicago Conference #3, Shannon finished first with 293 points. Jenna trailed a bit behind but took second with 208 points. Emily came in third with 159.

Finally, we can't forget about our Nashville Conference! Wurzy's Weiners scored the number one spot with 296 points, followed by Team Catherine: Dem Boiz with 250 and then Caitmen with 241.

Cheers to this year's winners.

Well played, everyone. This was a great season. The producers definitely threw us for a few loops but we all came out stronger and drunker at the end of it. Here's to true love and eternal happiness. And wine.

Enjoy Bachelor in Paradise. See you this winter for #BenHforBachelor.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

POST SCRIPT:
We would be remiss not to mention the debt of gratitude we owe to our new Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh. Her wit each week was remarkable and we are so excited to have her as part of the Roses to Riches team. Thank you, MC!!! Register on time next season and you'll get to play :)

An example of her fine dedication to the league

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Kaitlyn Week Nine: Bach Shit Cray

We're getting down to the wire! It's an odd week of both fantasy suites AND hometowns, an emotional roller coaster for everyone. Deep breaths, everyone. Okay. Let's resume this catfight between Nick and Shawn.

Shawn: "I just want to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I hate you and you're the worst."
Nick: "Don't hate me cause you ain't me."

Pretty anticlimactic, I have to say.

Date with Ben H. They ride horses through the Irish countryside. They are continually surprised at how tame and responsive the horses are! Even the feisty one! I'm giving Kaitlyn so much side eye right now.

They have a picnic outside a castle...fantastic setup by the interns.

Kaitlyn: "The architect of this castle is the same guy who designed Buckingham Palace! I know this because I am smart and worldly." Oh did you just pull that fun fact out of your own tiny brain, Kaitlyn? I doubt it.

Kaitlyn tells Ben they're having dinner and sexy time in that castle. He flips out a little, it's like he's never watched the show before.

They Sweater Swap before dinner.

Kaitlyn: "If all goes well, Ben and I will bone here tonight!"

Ben gives the best toasts. Heart eyes emoji. The interns prepped him well. OH OKAY BEN with the most perfect Fantasy Suite proposal response of all time. *producers high-five each other off camera*

He leaves with a backpack the next morning and is all kinds of adorable.

Date with Shawn. They go golfing, Kaitlyn makes him wear bright clothes in a HILARIOUS PRANK. Shawn keeps hitting his balls into the water, which is a great metaphor for how this whole season has gone for him. Clearly Kaitlyn's six weeks of lessons in anticipation of this very moment have paid off. She actually beats Shawn and her prize is Shawn B's body in all its naked glory. She dares him go streaking across the golf course (would make a joke about why American tourists are hated all over the world...but she's Canadian).

Shawn takes his pants off. I'm sorry, who do you think you are with that underwear? Michael Phelps?

Oh, hello.

Didn't think so. But ya still look good, Shawn. Just keep stripping, just keep stripping.

Confession: I just spent a long time looking through pictures of Michael Phelps to find just the right one. Not the worst way to spend half an hour... 

Kaitlyn pulls a Parent Trap and steals his clothes while he's putting. He chases after her and they just run around naked for a while. The best part of this whole incident is the entire crew that has to follow the action outside the frame. The boom guy, probably two different cameras, plus an intern or two, all getting a serious eyeful on this date. What a job perk!

At "dinner" they talk about The Process. Shawn continues to spew nonsense about Nick. He uses the word allegations and Corinne makes us pause so she can go take a cold shower. #vocabturnons

They bone. He leaves pretty abruptly the next morning.
Kaitlyn as Shawn walks away: "Shawn does have a great butt, but is it worth all this drama?"

Nick is waiting in the wings as Shawn leaves bonetown. But here's a question...wasn't his date in a completely different part of the country? Which poor souls had to drive him all the way to Northern Ireland so he could lean against the wall in such a formidable fashion? #BachelorInterns #unsungheroes

They have yet another verbal altercation. Afterwards, Shawn retreats to his safe room bathroom to hide his rage boner collect himself.

Side note: remember when this was supposed to be a serious confrontation?

#throwback #TouchyTony

Back to the Rose Ceremony. Before handing out roses, Kaitlyn has a mini meltdown. She turns a complete 360 degrees to avoid ugly crying on camera. Her heart is beating out of her chest, per usual. Shouldn't that be a red flag that you might be making a mistake? Just one girl's opinion.

Nick and Shawn get roses. Not surprised.

We say a sad (BUT TEARLESS?!?!) goodbye to Ben H. I was really counting on those points. Very disappointed in his lack of emotion. Can I rewind to this last weekend and audition for Ben H's Bach season? He's it for sure. A comparable exit to Jared in terms of class, but less rodent-y, better looking, more universal appeal. I mean, who didn't have a crush on Peter Brady growing up? He was the best part of the Brady Bunch. Plus Ben already knows all the Bachelor Buzzwords! Minimal prep needed.

Anyway, time for low budget fakeout hometowns...bringing the families to Utah? Seems random. But we have already seen Nick's hometown, plus if Nick and Shawn are near each other there is more potential for dramatic encounters. I see what you're doing, producers.

I can't look away

Everyone in Nick's family is crying about this situation. Poor Viall fam, they're just a nice Catholic family from Wisconsin and this show is ripping them apart.

The phrase "someone only a mother could love" was definitely coined about Nick. "My family is worried about me because I keep messing my life up on national television."

Kaitlyn to cameras: "We have insane, passionate chemistry and we can't keep our hands off each other."
Kaitlyn to family: "We have great conversation."

Nick and Mom have a nice heart to heart. They both cry. Is he normal in real life? Can't tell.

Shawn's "hometown" date is less teary. Where does Shawn get his looks from? It's clearly not his dad. Mom is inexplicably MIA. Shawn is like a little kid begging for his older sisters' approval. Pretty endearing I guess. They mostly like her.

JK I'm sure his sisters are lovely.

End of hometowns. In two weeks, we're scooping up Neil Lane and then heading to the tropics! Men Tell All is next week so no blog post. FINALLY BACK ON SCHEDULE. Thank goodness.

Even though there's only one draftee left in the league, the standings are not final. Depending on which guy gets The Final Rose, some teams may be able to overtake current leaders. This is why I love the league...gotta keep y'all on the edge of your seats! Check your standings here and see if you're still in the running.

I am not winning. 

Are you Team Nick or Team Shawn? Let us know who you're rooting for in the comments.

PREACH.

Also, don't forget to follow us on Twitter! Check us out over there on the right side column or go straight to the page to see our hilarious episode commentary. S/o to Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh, who is working hard on skyrocketing us to internet fame. She's funny.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Kaitlyn Week Four: Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made...By Chris Harrison

A NEW DRAMATIC EPISODE! We really need a previously on The Bachelorette at the beginning here, I need a refresher on what's happening. So many points awarded in these first 10 minutes, all of which go toward last week's episode. Clint is "making some power moves" or, from Kaitlyn's POV, "about to go down in flames." I wish I could type "about" in a Canadian accent. 

Kaitlyn breaks up with Clint, and he's mostly just sad about having to leave JJ. 

Clint: "JJ...me and him have become best best best friends. Like we are very very very very close."

Kaitlyn: "You can't sit with us."

Music so ominous. I want to be friends with the score composer.

They go back to the party to announce that Clint is going home. Normally they send the unceremoniously rejected ones home without any parting goodbyes, but the producers clearly love us so they're fueling this fire. Upon hearing the news JJ starts crying, but then makes an unexpected move and he also breaks up with Clint! Holy crap so much bro-trayal happening. This breakup is no longer about Kaitlyn and the secret lovers take their spat out into the hallway (big points for this extreme verbal altercation).

Betrayal - bro betrayal - brotrayal?

JJ: "You don't know how much this hurts me."

Clint: "How dare you BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. I was only half a virgin when I met you."

JJ: "I told you stuff I've never told anyone before."

Clint: "Hey that tie goes really good with your shirt. F*** you. BYE FELICIA." (Clearly they helped each other get dressed today)

The next few minutes become the JJ show. 

JJ to camera: "I will defend Clint to the day I die until Kaitlyn sends him home and I have to find a new house husband." 

He retreats to the moonlit balcony and sobs about losing Clint and actually gets in a physical altercation with himself! A punch to his own face followed by various curses. Props to the sound guys for JJ's well-placed collar mic. Really felt like I was right up in there for that hit. Punches are so rarely thrown on the show, so JJ definitely gets points for this self-mutilation. Pull yourself together, man.

Move on, dude.

Dun dun dunnnn rose ceremony cancelled! Roses for everyone!

We're already traveling now? Guess the budget is higher since they saved so much money on Chris' season staying in South Dakota the whole time. We're off to the Big Apple. 

The first group date is rap battling with "The World's Greatest Entertainer"...Doug E Fresh. Very disappointed it's not R Kelly. What does the E stand for? I hope it's something super nerdy like Earl or Eugene. 

Do all these white people in the crowd even know who Doug E Fresh is? They're cheering louder for Kaitlyn than they are for him. We see a blurry, foreboding shot of Nick V lurking in the back of the crowd with Ashley I the crazy slut virgin! I wonder if she's still a virgin. 

Okay some of these guys really pulled it out in the battles. Corey with an E finally has a personality. Shawn B is swoon worthy as always. Justin actually was dece too, minus the 90s butt-cut hairdo.

Drop the mic, boys...no seriously, drop it and never touch it again.

Nick V makes his grand entrance and asks if he can be on the show. They're making out within 30 seconds. She says maybe. Apparently they have undeniable chemistry. Good thing they've built such a solid foundation/7 tweets back and forth. The other guys get wind of the situation and are not happy about it. They bring up good questions about her not being confident in the options she already has (remember, they're still on the group date. awkwardddd).

Justin stands up to say to everyone that it's okay if Nick comes back. Such a power play to get the rose and it worked.

Back at the house, some intern puts them all on a couch to bro out and have a spontaneous chat about the drama. Obviously won't be promoted to junior producer, pull another couch over and don't make them same side! Amateur. But really there is so much Nick drama I can't even keep all these conversations straight anymore.

"I miss Tony." -Brittany Ross, Chicago Conference #2 

OMG Ashley S is back! But this is not the Ashley S we know and love. Can't decide if Old Ashley S was on drugs or if New Ashley S is... Either way she gives advice to Kaitlyn while pretending to do her hair. We know it's fake because Kaitlyn left the salon with a side braid.

Kaitlyn is in SUCH a difficult situation, with guys flying across the country trying to date her. I just can't identify with that problem. If I were the Bach-ette, here's how it would work. Everyone would get out of the limo and introduce themselves. After I meet everyone, I go into the house. They've all disappeared without a trace, except maybe one who doesn't know the difference between apart and a part.

The single life.

One-on-one date with...Jared the rodent/hawk with facial hair that's constantly askew. 

K is wearing special ABC-endorsed Neil Lane diamonds! Making an early appearance this season, usually we don't see him until the proposal.

Okay Jared looks semi-decent in his tux and in this lighting. They brought in a facial hair specialist to help him out. WHAT UGH CHRIS HARRISON GAVE THE FIRST HELICOPTER RIDE TO JARED?! Feeling betrayed by Our Lord and Savior. Jared gets a rose.

Group date on Broadway, promoting Aladdin this year instead of a new Disney film. It worked, because it subconsciously influenced our .gif selection.

According to Kaitlyn, Aladdin is the perfect love story. So basically she is looking for a street rat who lies about his identity so the girl will fall in love with him. Aladdin is not there for the right reasons.

These guys need to work on their jazz hands. 

The only thing we learn during this date is that Chris is a little bit tone deaf and a lotta bit gay. Somehow he scores the solo date. Joe and Ben H are adorably salty in the back row together. Chris and Kaitlyn perform stand silently in the show, he gets the rose and a lame kiss.

Kaitlyn: "That guy has heart and I think he would make a great husband for another man."

PS "having heart" is basically the kiss of death on this show. He won't last much longer.

WE DIDN'T EVEN GET ONE ROSE CEREMONY THIS WEEK THIS IS BS. I am livid. This is really screwing up our point system.

I feel personally victimized by ABC

You can check your standings here, though it's not totally up to date since The Process is all whack now. 

Will Nick V be accepted by The Bachelors? Will they revolt? Leave us your thoughts (and some love) in the comments. Feel free to share these posts too! Julie made it super easy for you with little icons down below. Also, we're on Twitter now. Follow us @RosesToRiches.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Commissioners

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