Chris' Finale: Love Is Blind and Apparently Also Deaf

Alterate titles to this post:
- Whitney's Voice Forever. Forever ever? Forever EVER?!
- I Ain't Sayin' She A Gold Digger, But She Ain't Messin' With No Broke Farmer
- To Have and To Hold Until I Have To Go Harvest
- She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

Well, folks, this season is over. Prince Farming has found his "princess" and half of our league lost their $15. The finale was pretty anticlimactic as far as Bachelor finales go. Let's get into the details, shall we?

Both ladies get the privilege of traveling to Iowa (again, yay?) to meet Chris' family. First up is Whitney. She makes a bunch of ridiculous speeches that make our ears bleed, but she cries a lot, so at least that voice is earning some of us points. Chris' sisters and mom really like her so she takes an early lead.

Becca goes into the lions' den and confirm her status as a rational thinker with her whole "no, I'm actually a normal human and don't fall in love with people immediately on TV." She's not head-over-heels. The fam's not impressed. Chris, on the other hand, basically say's she has it in the bag.

Fast forward to some evening in an actual municipality: Chris goes to see Becca in her hotel and is all "do you love me?" and she's all "dude, slow your roll." Meanwhile Julie is all "love is stupid" and the rest of the viewing party is all "shut up."

After Becca fails to express any real thoughts, Chris takes Whitney out on a date on a tractor, winning the first tractor ride points (Note: there was a tractor featured early on this season, but due to a movement technicality, it didn't count.)

They go back to Chris' house, where Whitney immediately starts to visualize where she will put the framed picture SHE ALREADY HAS OF THEM. Chris comments that the house has "room to grow" meaning let's pop out some babies now, shall we? There were some more serious boring conversations but we were too busy taking jello shots to notice.

After all that non-drama, we get to the rose ceremony. The limos have to travel appx 90 minutes to get to this barn in the middle of nowhere, not counting the McDonald's stop 20 mins out because that's the only restaurant around. The setup is a pretty weird, like rustic chic on acid (although the stained glass was on point). The anticipation of who will get out first is killing me!!! WHO IS IT OMGGGGG.

Becca. Damnit.

She steps out of the limo in her super fab red velvet gown, Chris breaks up with her and she takes it like a champ. She saves face for the camera and doesn't shed a single tear. I acknowledge that people like her don't necessarily make for good TV and, as Julie points out, if everyone acted like she did we wouldn't have a league to speak of. But I applaud Becca for not having a hysterical breakdown on national television. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Emotions are the worst.

I'm making Julie write about Whitney now because I don't like her and it'll be too mean.

So Whitney steps out of the limo and gets her little hug and pep talk from Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. She's shaking like a chihuahua in the springtime and her eyes are bugging out in a similar fashion. Did she steal some substances from Ashley S? Whit reiterates the whole "I love you, we'd make awesome babies" schpiel for like a half hour. On this note, Chris drops to one knee and gives her the huge rock provided by a jeweler who we will not name drop (we'll reconsider if he pays us the same he pays ABC to get on the show every season.) Anyway, they get all lovey-dovey, sit on the barn ledge in their formal wear, and watch the midwestern sunset in below-freezing temperatures. True romance.

Our viewing party does one last cheers with Jello shots (thanks, Corinne's Aunt!) and tallies up points:

In Chicago Pool #1 Team Audrey, the Farmer's Floozies took first place. That team had BOTH Whitney and Becca. Props for good drafting. Second went to Julie's Jive Turkeys and third went to a former champion: MC's McSluts.

In Chicago Pool #2 Finally Gonna Win Corinne takes back the title of first place with her team Corinne & Chris' Corn-fed Cuties. Second place goes to Shannon's Boot Scootin' Biddies. It was a tight race and Shannon lost by only 2 points, despite being out of team members for weeks. Kyle's Threesome appropriately took third place.

In the Nashville Pool, Team Caitlin Bach of Cookies won by a landslide with 233 points. Second place went to Katharine's Kittenz. Rounding out the Nashville top 3 was Rachel's Blackout Bitches. Also in this league, we set a new record low. Team Emily: A Roll in the Hay brought disgrace to their GM with only 63 points. Maybe next season they can recover.

Now that this season's over, let's talk about next. What the hell, ABC? Chris Harrison announced last night that next season will feature...wait for it... TWO bachelorettes. Not only are they breaking the sacred cycle, they're letting bratty Britt get more screen time.

   

On a serious note, ABC is taking the sexism of the show to a whole new level. Before, it was acceptable because it's The Bachelor and it's cheesy and it's funny to watch people make a fool of themselves. It's not funny anymore. They took it too far. On a less serious note, this is totally going to wreak havoc on the structure of the league, which we do NOT appreciate. Throwing off our groove here, Chris Harrison.

It's been an excellent season, Bachies.  Until next time...


Love & Roses
Julie and Elizabeth
Your League Czars Commissioners

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Chris Week Nine: Do You BALIeve In Life After Love?

Last night I had a dream that I was on The Bachelor. In true Elizabeth fashion, I got sunburned at the first pool party and was really peeved about it. I went to my weekly therapy session with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior to complain. I told him, for the millionth time, that this was EXACTLY why I didn't want to go on the show. How many times do I have to ask for a sunscreen intern? Now I'll never get to be a farmer's wife. Blast!

It was weird. No more wine before bed. Jk I gave that up for Lent. I'm writing this completely sober! I hope you still think I'm funny.

We're down to the last three ladies and we FINALLY get to leave the country! This season has been waiting on the tarmac for far too long. Glad we get to take off and do some real sight seeing (lookin' at you, South Dakota). Bring on Bali.

This is how sweaty y'all are about to be in Bali.

This is also Fantasy Suite Week, so lots of big things are happening here. Chris: "If I'm going to be confident about proposing to one of these girls, I'm going to have to have sex with all of them first."

Kaitlyn's date is first. They roam around and interact with strategically placed locals. They find some pretty aggressive monkeys and feed them bananas. They also visit a temple and share a spiritual moment, creating a bond that will last forever a few more days.

In what is possibly the sweatiest conversation in Bachelor History, Kaitlyn talks about her feelings, which she says is difficult for her to do. Preach, Kaitlyn, feelings are the worst. Chris is all, "We're both really vulnerable right now, because if you left I would only have two girls to choose from."

I just want to bake a cake full of sunshine...and ROSES

Kaitlyn: "There's not one thing I don't like about us. Even your giggle, which is a lot to love." She has zero questions for Chris at this point, which is very concerning. She enthusiastically agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite. Now Chris can "plow the f*ck out of her field" like she requested on night one. Well played.

Kaitlyn agrees that America Needs Farmers. 

They bone.

Next up is the date with Shitney Whiney Whitney (<--- actual typos I made, no joke).

They are on a boat. WHY ISN'T CHRIS HARRISON THE BOAT DRIVER? I want Chris Harrison to play every extra role possible on this show. Need more Chris Harrison.

Whitney babbles on about how perfect and natural their relationship is. Chris doesn't add much to the conversation. At "dinner," Whitney doesn't even pretend for a second that her career is important to her. She's prepared to drop everything and immediately pop out babies in Arlington. You do you, girl.

Someone didn't read Lean In.

They bone.

Becca's date is last. Is she wearing leather shorts in Bali? That is such a bad idea. They go to another temple (maybe the same temple as before?) and talk to the medium about their relationship. The producers definitely had a prior conversation with these guys and told them that their advice to Becca and Chris HAD to be about sex, because OMG VIRGIN.

The buildup to this "I'm a virgin" revelation is a little ridiculous. Chris handles the news like a normal human being should handle the news. Becca: "I'm a virgin." Chris: "Okay."

They don't bone.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Chris is distressed about who to send home. Chris Harrison comes in to save the day and help Chris make pro/con lists about each girl. They figure it out together. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Side note: New goal is to have Chris Harrison as my life coach.

Chris is about to give one girl the axe. Becca thinks it's going to be her. Chris takes her aside for one last conversation. Meanwhile, Whitney and Kaitlyn are (not so) secretly happy that Becca's going to be privately eliminated and they'll be the final two. They're totally circle of bitching right now and it's amazing.

Kaitlyn: "I feel bad for feeling so happy but like she's for sure going home :)))))"

Then: THE ULTIMATE FAKEOUT!!!!!! BECCA STAYS! Chris escorts her back in and ends up giving Kaitlyn the boot. This is nuts. Legit did not see this coming. Thought Whitney would for sure go home before Kaitlyn did.

Exact face we all made^^

Whitney: "I'm really confused because what I thought was going to happen didn't happen." #braincells

Kaitlyn is next Bachelorette for sure: "I didn't expect to feel this way when I left here. I let my guard down and The Process worked for me and I'm devastated now but when I have 30 guys fighting over me I'll def find true love." *Bachelor buzz words! Producers all high-fiving each other during this convo*

Points are SUPER CLOSE and standings are neck and neck in all leagues. The finale will be huge! So so so excited.

Next week is the Women Tell All/Crucifixion of Kelsey episode. No blog post (sorry) but we'll be doing prop bets at Corinne's place for whoever wants to participate.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Seven (and eight): Hey, Mom, Don't Google My Wife

I know this is a day late. I'M SO SORRY. Four entire hours of material to recap is a LOT and I have this thing called a job that makes blogging a little difficult sometimes.

We open the evening's marathon in the wake of the beautiful disaster that was the two on one date last week. The girls want to know where Chris' head is at after that train wreck. They're all proud of him. Megan suddenly decides that she's donezo. Just like that, she leaves! Unceremonious elimination! Didn't see that coming. Just kidding, I totally saw that coming.

Then, Bachelor Chris and Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior pull a classic switcheroo on the girls. The ole "ladies, we WILL have a rose ceremony tonight." "JK I LOVE YOU ALL! YOU ALL GET A ROSE!"

You get a rose! And YOU get a rose!

The group leaves the Badlands and heads to the big, glamorous city of Des Moines. They walk in to see their fancy new digs and the only thing they can come up with is "OMG it's so big!" That's what she said. 

Jade gets the first one on one. Not loving her so much. She has such a flat vanilla pancake personality and has not really said anything of substance yet. Chris shows Jade around Arlington which is the smallest town in the entire world. They go to a football game and meet Chris' parents...? Chris is gonna regret that one I think. He thinks she's this perfect, small town girl next door with a "good head on her shoulders." WRONG WRONG WRONG can't wait for this to go down in flames.

At the football the crowd starts to cheer "kiss Chris" and Jade is all "omg! This is so spontaneous and wonderful! How did we even get to the center of this football field on display for the entire town?"

Meh.

Side note, Carly's commentary through out this whole episode is gold. The Midas touch of the night.

Whitney gets the next one on one. They go to a lame photography museum which is probably the pinnacle of culture in Des Moines. The interns hand them a camera and they get to take their own premature engagement pictures. Her voice is literally one of the most irritating sounds ever created by a human being.

pls stahhhhhhhp

They meet Chris' best friends. Whitney thought they were stalkers fans at first which was funny. Then they go back outside to see that one of their photos has been painted on the wall as a giant mural! If Whitney loses, will the mural be painted over?

In the hotel Jade tells the girls about her date and Britt cries. Carly makes fun of her. Carly then proposes a road trip to Arlington! Let's go see our future! It's like preparing for your own execution.

They make it to Arlington and get from one end to the other in under two minutes. No restaurants, bars, open businesses. Britt to girls: no fuckin way. Britt to Chris: I loved it! *~The sUnSeTs!~*

Group date is Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn. Carly rips Britt a new one for crying again about how bad she's going to be at ice skating.

Staged side convo where Jade reveals her nude modeling career to Carly. We pause to investigate. There was googling. There was screaming. There was a lot of judging Rob. Pretty much in that order. Shock and awe, minus the awe. 

Back to the group date. Britt is so full of shit! Apparently all she wants is to be a mom. I don't really see that. Whitney, totally. Whitney is already pregnant in her mind. Luckily Carly warns Chris about how shady Britt is. Kaitlyn gets the rose and shit goes down. The score is incredible. The drums! Britt is cracking her knuckles. She absolutely loses it in front of Chris.

"It was so much better of an explosion than I could've ever possibly expected."

Becca goes on a one on one. They have the most real conversation. Congrats Becca on having a realistic perspective on love/The Process.

Before the rose ceremony Britt packs her stuff! She's so manipulative omg she just wants Chris to beg her to stay. Go home, Britt.

Surprise! No cocktail party. Britt interrupts the rose ceremony. The girls are losing their shit. Carly's about to vom.

Chris: "I'm not saying you're lying about loving Arlington, I'm just saying other people said you're lying."

HOLY SHIT BRITT GOES HOME. UNCEREMONIOUS ELIMINATION AND SO MUCH DRY CRYING.

Bet she wishes she took off her makeup now.

Carly: "Heh, now you know what it's like to be a normal person!"

Whitney: "Britt isn't getting a hometown. This is so huge I have to shut one eye about it."

Hometowns. These are surprisingly dull if I recall correctly.

Becca goes first. Becca's family dances around the fact that she's a virgin. Chris won't be surprised by this next week but hopefully it's not a deal breaker because we like Becca.

Whitney's next. They go to the fertility clinic. "I'm pretty confident my soldiers are marching." Whitney says I love you. There's so much cart in front of this horse right now.

Kaitlyn's date starts in a dirty alley so who know's what's gonna happen. They rap. Chris is the worst rapper of all time. Kaitlyn's family has a cool dinner table with a fire in the middle.

Jade goes last. Ohhhhhh Jade. Her brothers call her a wild mustang. After family time Jade confesses her past to Chris and shows him the pictures AND THE VIDEO. Wrong move. Chris ends up sending Jade home. It's not because of the Playboy thing, but it's totally because of the Playboy thing.

Except the computer in the trash is Jade...in the limo.

So many points this week! Check the standings here. Can't wait until Fantasy Suites next week! It's gonna be so sexy.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Six: I Know What You Did.

Finally, the resolution we've been waiting for! The anticipation from last week's cliff hanger has been torturous.

Me all week

In sum: Kelsey the Black Widow (props to Carly for that one) has a panic attack. While on the floor with an oxygen mask, she giggles and says to the medic, "I'm totally getting a rose tonight."

The other girls see right through this stunt and are annoyed. Chris sends home Samantha (who?) and McKenzie (finally). GOODBYE, MOTHER OF KALE.

Moving on. The group continues on their low budget travels and makes their way to Deadwood, South Dakota. Not much to see here, folks. Chris gives America a brief history of Deadwood, telling us that "this is where Calamity Jane...did her business." All this does is prove that Chris knows nothing about Calamity Jane.

We learn that Britt hangs out in her bra at the hotel. This is not the Bachelorette! No gratuitous shirtlessness. Put yo clothes back on girl. Maybe this is a strategy to keep her clothes clean since she doesn't shower? Still baffled by this based on the perfection of her hair and lack of pimples.

Becca gets the first one-on-one date in Deadwood and they go horseback riding to a castle (??). The interns definitely built that for this episode. Becca gets a lot of metaphorical points on this date for finally acknowledging three critical/awkward facets of this show:

1. Chris' giggle. She admits that she's not laughing at what Chris is saying, but laughing at his laugh because it's so hilarious and girly.
2. The awkwardness of kissing on TV/in front of other people. She CAN'T be the only person who's ever thought this. She says it's weird for her because she's a virgin. I think it's just weird for...people. Right?
3. What are your parents feeling when they watch the show? Again, why aren't more people concerned about the way they're acting on TV? 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a producer makes Kelsey go and sit in the middle of a small group of betches so they can spontaneously have a conversation about how much they don't like her. She follows up with an I-can't-help-it-that-I'm-popular sort of response. "They are intimidated by me because I am #blessed with eloquence. I'm smart and I use big words. They just don't understand."

Kelsey. Gtfo.

During the group date we get an appearance from Big and Rich! What a fall from grace. They have a new album but they just stick with the classic Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. More appropriate for Chris' situation, I guess. The date activity is writing a love song for Chris. Chaos ensues.

Let's examine the irony of this situation. For the last few seasons, there has been at least one group date that involved contestants stripping off an inappropriate amount of clothing and performing various activities: pole dancing, dog photo shoot (IT WAS FOR CHARITY, Y'ALL). There's always one token player who is supremely uncomfortable. S/he expresses these feelings to the Bachelor/ette and usually ends up with the rose.

This year, we finally have a contestant who would THRIVE in this setting! Jade the cosmetics developer model PLAYMATE. She would totally rock a nude photo shoot, but here she is, "riding the struggle bus" on the song writing date. Well played, producers. She's annoyingly nervous like okay just get over it have you never watched the show before? Talent matters zero percent.

To add to the group date drama, Chris whisks Britt off for a "surprise" Big & Rich concert for TWO WHOLE HOURS where he gives her the rose, they make out on stage and sing...you guessed it...Save a Horse, Ride a Farmboy. Anyone else notice this lyric change by B&R? Subtle.

This ordeal does not go over well with the other girls (shocker). Shitty move for Chris to do that on a group date. The girls seem to be mad at Britt, but what is Britt going to do? It's not like she's going to say no when Chris is all "let's sneak off to a concert!" She can't just not come back or pretend she didn't get the rose. Every one of those girls would have done the exact same thing. Lots of tear points though, yay.

^^All the other bach-ettes be like ^^

Finally, we get to the best part of the episode. The TWO ON ONE DATE: Ashley the Slut Virgin versus Kelsey the Psycho Husband Killer. Ashley is super confident that she's going to boot Kelsey off during this date, but it ends up being a beautiful accidental murder-suicide. 

Kelsey/Ashley: We're going to the Badlands! The baadddddlaaannnndsssss YASSS. I love the Badlands.

Kelsey: Ashley doesn't even know what the Badlands are. I definitely know. 

Chris: This is gonna be really awkward today.

Kelsey identifies all the presidents on Mount Rushmore and Ashley rolls her eyes.

Ashley: I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS DATE.

There's a bed set up in the middle of the Badlands. The producers aren't even trying to disguise the awkwardness here. 

Chris and Ashley talk. Ashley tells Chris that Kelsey is fake and crazy.

Chris and Kelsey talk. Chris tells Kelsey what Ashley said about her. Chris WTF are you doing? He's facilitating their self-destruction, that's what he's doing. 

Kelsey and Ashley reunite on the bed and Kelsey stares Ashley down with her dagger eyes. "I know what you did." If looks could kill, then Kelsey definitely murdered her first husband.

Ashley: "Oh, OKAY, you think you're so smart because you use big words. Well I have a masters too and it's from a better place SO THERE." She's so drunk throwing shade and masters degrees. 

Ashley to camera: "I may be a virgin, but I'm mature sexy and she's not!" Ha! In your face, Kelsey!

It played out a lot like this

Chris and Ashley talk again. He breaks up with her and she sobs hysterically. This conversation needs subtitles. Ashley storms off, totally expecting Chris to chase after her. When he doesn't, she comes back like "CHRIS!! WHY AREN'T YOU FOLLOWING ME? WHY AM I ACTING LIKE THIS? CONSOLE ME." So instead he tells her that Kelsey said she was immature and that's why she has to leave.

Then Chris and Kelsey talk again. He breaks up with her too! She acts like she's okay but we all know she's secretly plotting her revenge. The conversation ends pretty abruptly. Chris says "welp take care" and then hops in his helicopter to fly away back home. He leaves Kelsey to mourn alone in the Badlands. The camera pans wide and ASHLEY IS STILL THERE TOO OMG HE STRANDED THEM BOTH IN THE BADLANDS.

The girls learn of Kelsey's departure and there was much rejoicing! They pop some bottles in celebration.

No rose ceremony this week, and minimal screen time with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. Sad times.

Points and standings are available here. Most teams are hanging on with one or two girls left, but Maggie's team has bitten the dust. Kelsey and Ashley were her two remaining gals and they took each other out in a glorious battle to the death. Maggie wins wine.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Four: Organic Drama That's Farm to Cable

Week four is here, and we're finally getting down to a lean, fat-trimmed cast of ladies. There are two group dates, two-ish one-on-ones, and plenty of sponsorship dollars to afford helicopters for endless seasons to come.

The first group date is, as Kelsey so eloquently puts it, a "perfect date for bimbos." Needless to say, it was hilarious. Chris takes a gaggle of girls to a lake/retention pond where they swim (skinny dip), relax (mentally strategize for one-on-one time) and later camp (get wasted by a fire). No complaints from Chris on any of these fronts, go figure. Men, right? Anyway, he says he's just happy to be able to spend some quality time with these women in their bikinis/birthday suits.

Once everyone is sun burnt and nursing their bee stings and leech wounds (probably), they set up tents and "camp" while all the producers laugh and refuse to help. The full moon starts to bring out Ashley S's full crazy, so her interaction with Chris is quite entertaining. Unfortunately, she throws a big 'ole crazy socket wrench in the league points, as she TELLS HIM SHE LOVES HIM AND WE ALL SCREAM AT THE TV. Our league rules have never taken intoxication/lunacy into account for the "I love you" rule, so that means Ashley S. gets the points. All ten stupid points.

As we all whine about Ashley S ruining everything, Ashley I jumps in the ring and makes a few bold, ridiculous choices. She sneaks into Chris' tent after he falls asleep, and we're all cheering for some hanky-panky. No. Instead she awkwardly tries to tell him she's a virgin without using any of the words that define "virgin." She says something to the effect of "I'm so innocent, which makes me sooooooooo unique, blah blah blah" and Chris has absolutely no idea what she's talking about. She could have been telling him that a coyote ate her collection of fake eyelashes, for all he knew. She leaves, he sleeps, we all cringe. Kaitlyn gets a rose.

LAWLZ, no.

While these girls are out in the wilderness, Chris' sisters come to the house and interview the remaining girls that weren't picked for kickball. They choose Jade to accompany Chris on a Cinderella date, but more importantly, they choose Jade to get a FREE pair of Louboutins and a FREE pair of diamond earrings. Ashley I. is losing her shit over this because apparently she's the only girl who has ever seen a Disney movie, and has always dreamed of starring in a Disney commercial going on a princess date. ANYWAY Jade is all cute, and wearing an adorable dress, and I think Chris showed up at some point. Jade gets a rose.

The third date of the episode involves mud, wedding dresses, and more advertising. Chris takes several gals to San Fran to do a mud run in wedding dresses. Jillian happens to be on this date, and also happens to be a beast, so she wins the muddy obstacle course thanks to ABC not testing for performance enhancing drugs. According to Carly, she'd need to run a mile every day for five years to keep up with Jillian. That's a loooot of laps around the cruise ship, honey. Jillian wins a one-on-one dinner with Chris, and it appears no one every told her the rules of this show. She seems to be under the impression she's actually supposed to talk about herself...so naturally he's bored out of his mind and ends up giving her the boot. Goodbye Jillian. We'll miss your front and back censorship boxes.

The world may never know.

Finally, we make it to the cocktail party (thank goodness, because we're running out of wine!). A bunch of girls do a bunch of boring things, and then Ashley I comes back in outfit repeating glory. The producers obviously told her Chris didn't really understand her during their conversation in the tent, because homegirl decides to reiterate her whole "I'm a virgin" speech as if she's telling him she has an infectious disease. He looks pretty shocked and a little scared. Carly is just as shocked, because "[Ashley's] mouth is not a virgin." Ten points to Gryffindor for that comment. Ashley flips out and sheds some more betch tears. Then we find out Becca is also a virgin, because, you know, sexual history is the only important quality about a female...duh.

At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Juelia, Nikki, and Ashley S. Thank goodness.

She may feel nothing, but you'll feel pain.

Next week should be a doozey, since someone requires medical attention (5pts) and Kesley starts to show her real crazy.

Points are up. We're still missing dues and team names from a few players. So get those in or we'll tell Ashley S. where you live!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week Three: I'd Shuck That

This week on The Bachelor, ABC confirms that this show is a joke by bringing on a guest host--none other than the great Jimmy Kimmel. The episode opens with Jimmy sneaking into Chris' bachelor pad and waking him up in the morning. Chris is relatively unfazed and looks surprisingly good for having just woken up. I wish I #wokeuplikethat. Or #wokeupnexttothat. I'd settle for either.

We learn that Jimmy will be third wheeling on each of the dates this week and offering Chris guidance where he can. He gives the first date card to Kaitlyn and we're off!

Kaitlyn gets all dolled up in her crop top and she and Chris sip on some bubbly en route to their romantic date. When they pull up to their final destination at COSTCO, they both immediately chug their glasses before getting out. Surprise! Jimmy assures them that "this is what real couples do together." You know what they say, "Couples that shop at Costco one time, stay together for three months max after the show airs."

They make out in the bubble soccer ball. This is cute but it just reminds me how salty I am that no one would join my bubble soccer team last fall.

Totally thrilling and not at all dangerous!

They load up their cart with three steaks, a few folding chairs, and an ungodly amount of ketchup and head back to the house to cook dinner for themselves...and Jimmy.

Jimmy arrives and discovers that Kaitlyn has given all her lipstick to Chris. We learn that Kaitlyn has a very manly laugh while Chris just giggles like a little girl. Seriously, you can't un-hear this. His giggle is pretty much all I listened to the rest of the episode. During dinner the three of them chat casually about sex in the fantasy suite. Jimmy tells Chris that "God made him the bachelor," basically confirming what we all already knew. Chris Harrison = God. Kait gets the rose.

The ultimate third wheel.

Montage of Jillian working out. Good lord this woman is terrifying. Rob says, "I don't know if terrifying is the word I'd use." TMI, Rob.

Now we move on to the group date. FINALLY we get to see the girls perform some farm tasks! We can really evaluate how well they'd survive as a farmer's wife. The tasks are as follows:

1. Shuck as much corn as you can, as quickly as you can. I see what you're getting at here, Chris/producers... ;)
2. Search the chicken coop for an egg, crack it into a skillet without breaking the yolk. Okay seriously if you can't crack an egg without breaking the yolk then GTFO. Honestly who are these girls that's like a basic life skill. McKenzie fails at this task. I feel bad for Kale because he's obviously missing out on some great breakfasts back home.
3. Milk a goat and then drink the milk. The lactose intolerant girl chugs hers like a champ, which really bodes well for the rest of the evening...
4. Pig penning. I've done this on a horse with cows instead of pigs. Not that hard. The girls are squealing louder than the pigs.

I have to admit I am very disappointed in the lack of farming innuendoes during this portion of the date.

During the after party, Chris kisses every girl except Becca who plays the "you have to earn it" card. Chris says "mad respect" and they hug it out. She gets the group date rose, proving that modest is hottest. The other girls whine about it and Chris is just like, "There's a fair amount of kissing going on which is kind of the point of this whole deal." #truthbomb

*Interlude while Corinne washes out the red wine in her glass with white wine so she can switch to a new bottle. Rob offers to wash it out with Miller Lite from his 40.*

Whitney's date card says "NO WHINING." Is that because her voice is so annoying? 

They spot a wedding from their perch in the vineyard and decide to crash it. Whitney actually says YOLO which is major points against her. She turns it around though thankfully. They get drunk real quick, ditch the cameras, buy a gift and make their way to the reception. Chris gets nervous and giggles a few times but Whit has their story down and they kill it. I wish her voice wasn't so shrill because this is pretty great. Good for Whitney.

Chris talks about how he can see Whitney as his wife. ~*pRomiSiNG!*~ 

Back at Bachelor Mansion, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior informs the girls of some bad news. There will be no cocktail party this evening. BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING A POOL PARTY INSTEAD, BITCHEZZZZ!!!!! Classic bait and switch, Chris Harrison! He tells the ladies that Chris will be arriving in one hour, sending them all into a tizzy. Only one hour to apply all the waterproof makeup available in the greater Los Angeles area! 

Chris arrives and the party is on. He cannon balls into the pool (such an attention hog) and every girl cowers to protect her hair. Jimmy Kimmel has had more fun in the tub with Chris this week than all the girls combined, so this is pretty much the Hail Mary moment for all of them.

Such a tender moment.

The girls pull out all the stops:

• Juelia shares her sob story, which is actually a sob-worthy story. Heavy stuff for a drunk pool party.
• Jade and Chris "test out the bed." Major side boob/under boob/nude bikini happening here.
• Jillian waits for them outside in the hot tub.
• McKenzie, Ashley I and Megan team up to steal Chris from Jillian for "one on one" time but Jillian doesn't leave. Good for her. Honestly, I probably wouldn't leave either. It's not one on one time if there are three of them. This is not junior high. If you want Chris to yourself, just (wo)man up and do it. You don't need a posse to help you.
• Ashley I gets drunk disappointed and tosses her plastic wine glass down the driveway in despair. #alliteration

Where is Chris Harrison during all of this? I want him to join the pool party one of these days.

Rose ceremony time. No catastrophes this week which is a huge bummer. Everyone lands on both feet and relatively sober(ish). Ashley I receives the final rose of the evening, and approaches Chris with the desperate relief of making it to the bank right before it closes. 

You're welcome.

We say goodbye (and, "who are you again?") to Tracy, Trina and Amber. Oh yeah and Samantha/giraffe. We also learn that there's another virgin in the group! Can't wait to find out who it is. 

The point gap is growing steadily in each pool. Check standings here. Current leaders are Mary Clare, Nora and Katharine. Nice work this week, everyone!

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Chris Week Two: Dawn of the Living Crazies

Thank goodness Monday Night Bachelor is back! Week two is quite a doozie of ditzes.  Let's dive right in, shall we?

ABC left us with a cliff hanger last week with sore-loser-Kimberly. Chris made many dumb, drama-inducing decisions this week, and keeping Kimberly was one of them. We enjoyed all the shade being thrown in her direction, though. All the other contestants were quite bitter, but soon got over it when the producers finally let them go to bed.

The next morning, our first date card is delivered, and praise Chris Harrison, it's a group date. It's a gaggle of girls whose names I cannot even begin to remember (thanks a lot, fermented grapes). The producers Chris makes them strip down into their itsy bitsy, teenie weenie bikinis for a "pool party" followed by a bikini tractor race...because apparently that's normal. Chris spends some alone time with Kimberly where she basically gives him a love fern, and they do the whole "starting over" cliche. Later he gets some one-on-one time with the Kim Kardashian wannabe sitting on a tractor, Unfortunately the tractor was not in motion with both of them on it, thus no First Tractor Points were awarded.

Next on the dating docket, McKenzie gets selected for some prolonged one-on-one time, and we learn that she's a grade A psycho. Before giggling like a school girl, she was sure to tell him how perfect his big nose is (who says that??) and ask him if he believes in aliens. Finally, she timidly told him about her surprise child named Kale...that's right. Kale. Every time she talks about how cute her kid is I just picture an extraordinarily beautiful bunch of chewy lettuce. Let's just stop this paragraph right there, because Mama always said if you don't have anything nice to say, move on to the next sarcastic thought. Yes, McKenzie got a rose.

The first one-on-one date of the season went to Megan. She scored some serious pointage with the First Helicopter Ride as the two traveled over the Grand Canyon. The date was pretty typical: the two shared 6 minutes of conversation and spent the rest of the film reel snogging.

Imma take this moment to make one serious, out-of-character statement. We heard some pretty heartbreaking stories from Megan and Juelia this episode. Because I have a human soul, I can't bring myself to talk too much smack about them, even if Juelia's name is spelled incorrectly. If they do something ridiculous next week, I'll reconsider, but for now, Megan, Juelia, I'm sorry for your losses. Juelia is re-qualified for life.

Now that that moment of weakness is over...

We are now to the best part of the night. For the second group date, the girls are brought to a remote location and frightened by interns dressed as zombies. As Eliz so accurately pointed out, the girls' screams were on par with that time JP saw his girls with no makeup. Ees not ok!

This date includes zombies, paintball guns, and a complete lunatic known as Ashley S. Crazy Eyes McGee must have been on some kind of drugs, because she was completely incoherent from the time the date started to when a producer took her home and re-fastened the straight jacket. As Kaitlin pointed out, 'ole Ash-face shouldn't be entrusted with a wet noodle, let alone a paintball gun.

Surprisingly, this date ends with Kaitlin getting a rose, and NOT with a trip to the nut house for them all. We were shocked.

Now we've gotten to the rose ceremony. Chris basically makes out with everyone, and then Jordan gets white girl wasted, which she's apparently been doing all week. Our Party Princess earned 12 whole Visibly Intoxicated points, which is a new league record.

Before I end this post, let's all take a moment to talk about Jillian. Our first visit with her this week included a black censorship box covering both the front AND back of her bathing suit, leaving us completely baffled. We find out later in the episode, thanks to a drunk cohort, she does not groom her body hair. After laughing, the whole viewing party had another moment of sympathy and actually felt bad that Jillian's grooming details were shared with all of the non-football watching population of America. Sorry, girlfriend. Icing on top of the cake: Jillian totally thought her name was being called when Chris really said "Juelia," so the woolly mammoth walked forward, almost face planted on the laminate floor, and cackled like the Wicked Witch of the West. Jillian had an all around rough week. If only we handed out humiliation points. Thankfully, we don't.

Points have been updated and losers removed. There are some early league leaders, but there are plenty of weeks left for change.

Does this zip height make me look "urban"?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week One, Draft Night: Prince Farming's Big Debut

Well, folks, it's finally that time of year when Mondays are our favorite day of the week. BACHELOR SEASON IS BACK! Put on your snazziest judging clothes, because all bets are on.

In case you live under a rock and/or are a complete moron, this season's piece of meat up for grabs is hunky farm boy Chris: a millionaire farmer from Podunk Arlington, Iowa. He subtly made a name for himself on Andi's season by being the most rational, reasonable contestant ever to set foot in the Bachelor mansion.

Here's hoping ABC brought their first string producers and interns to stir up some drama for us, because I am a little fearful that Chris' devastating earnestness won't make great TV. But based on the season's previews, I'm confident that the producers won't disappoint. A few things we've got in store for us include:

• "The strangest rose ceremony we've ever seen on the show"
• VIRGIN! IN THE FANTASY SUITE! 

Say it in Professor Quirrell's voice 

• Someone requiring oxygen from a medical professional
• Make-out montages
• Betch tears on betch tears on betch tears

Some notes before we get started. Point categories are located here. Team Rosters are here. For clarity purposes, Bachelor Chris will be referred to as Chris, among any/all punny nicknames we assign him. Chris Harrison will always be referred to as Chris Harrison, Cupid, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, or simply CH. 

Master Matchmaker

Let's go through the ladies in alphabetical order. Chris is presented with an unprecedented 30 potential wifeys this season, and quickly gets overwhelmed by the choices. At one point, he confesses, "I wish I was a polygamist right now."

This is how I would be if I were in Chris' shoes:

Luckily for us, Chris is more open minded. Let's take a look-see...

Alissa, 24, flight attendant. Brought a seatbelt and did the demo. "That was f***ing adorable." -said all the bachelorettes from inside, and all of us viewers at home.

Amanda, 24, ballet teacher. Alarmingly large eyes. Tried to be Chris' secret admirer the way he was for Andi. Didn't pull it off; Chris' reaction was, "K." She was sent home.

Amber, 29, bartender. Brought her teddy bear...

Ashley I, 26, nanny.

Ashley S, 24, hair stylist. Got wasted and started hallucinating pomegranates outside with the producers while she talked about peeling away the layers of an onion. She looks very distracted all the time, not much going on upstairs.

Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant. Chris dug her. Checkin her OUT and tongue tied.

Bo, 25, plus-size model

Britt, 27, waitress. Gave Chris the longest hug ever experienced and OMG she is almost as devastatingly earnest as he is. Is this even possible?? Early front runner, probably has a target on her back. #bachelorjargon

Brittany, 26, WWE diva-in-training. Enough said.

Carly, 29, cruise ship singer. During her entrance, other girls were watching from inside. "What is she singing?" "I don't know but I think she's going to get eliminated tonight."

Jade, 28, cosmetics developer. Seems legit. Promising musical accompaniment with her entrance.

Jillian, 25, news producer. Kind of scary. Keeps flexing for the camera...?

Jordan, 24, student. Takes whiskey shots with Chris as her entrance gimmick.

Juelia 30, esthetician. Disqualified from life based on the spelling of her name.

Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor. Doesn't blink often enough. Tells super inappropriate jokes, is loud and crude. She'll earn some points for us hopefully.

Kara, 25, high school soccer coach. Got out of the limo and immediately mentions having babies with Chris. Slow your roll, girlfriend.

Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor. We like Kelsey. She's cute and normal.

Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor.

Mackenzie, 21, dental assistant. She's 21.

Megan, 23, makeup artist.

Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator.

Nicole, 31, real estate agent. Red head! Solidarity, sister. Sorry you went home.

Nikki, 26, FORMER NFL cheerleader. The Josh of Chris' season. What is she currently doing with her life?! Also my dog's name is Nikki.

Reegan, 28, donated tissue specialist. She brought out tissue from a heart and Chris was disgusted, so she reminded him that "IT WAS A JOKE" while making that emoji face with all the teeth.

IT WAS A JOKE.

Samantha, 27, fashion designer.

Tandra, 30, executive assistant. Rode in on a motorcycle.

Tara, 26, sport fishing enthusiast. I assume she's taking a cue from Dog Lover on her profession. Homegirl stepped out of the limo in daisy dukes and cowgirl boots and Chris seemed to dig it. She should've quit while she was ahead. She proceeded to change clothes, re-introduce herself, and then slam a few too many Jack on the rocks. She barely made it through the rose ceremony without vomming and passing out. Chris decided to give her a second chance so we'll see how she handles her liquor next week. Jack wins every time, Tara. Everyone knows that.

Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher.

Trina, 33, special education teacher.

Whitney, 29, fertility nurse. Corinne knows her! Kind of.

The whole thing with two groups of limos was silly. "Another limo showed up in front of the mansion surprising everyone no one." -Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. All this did was cause a huge rift between the Original Fifteen and the Nouveau Femmes.

Also why was this premiere THREE WHOLE HOURS? So unnecessary. Britt got the First Impression Rose and the First Real Kiss, blowing everyone else out of the water and earning us lots of points right out of the gate. Lots of people are #TeamBritt, but I have to say I'm a little skeptical. She seems almost too good to be true. I think the producers are setting America up for heartbreak. Planting the seeds early.

In true Bachelor form, ABC left us with a cliffhanger! Kimberly was eliminated but after crying some betch tears for the camera she decided she wasn't ready to leave just yet (even though it was morning wtf I'd be out of there so fast). She goes back in to talk to Chris in what will hopefully be a teary drunken confrontation. We won't know for sure until next week! Can't wait. This is going to be a great season.

We have a record number of people playing this season, so we had to make THREE pools! Points are up here. Those with Britt on their teams are killing it right now, but don't fret! There will be plenty of crazy to go around.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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