JoJo's Season: The Bros Before the Rose

HEY GUYS.

Eliz here, comin at ya this week from my happy place: drinking tinto on the porch while blogging about the Bachelorette. For our fans out there who don't actually know me (AND I KNOW YOU EXIST), I promise I'm cool.

It feels like it has been for.ev.er. since Ben's season ended, doesn't it? It was a long, cold winter without y'all. We're almost back and I could not be more jazzed about it.

Let's take a moment... and praise Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that the Bachelorette is not Caila. I would be in a sad sad state if I had to watch her manic robot performances for an entire season. I was Team JoJo from the get go. Plus, from the few short previews I've seen, JoJo's season promises us a wiiild ride on that ERC (Emotional Roller Coaster for you NARPs), which is nothing short of thrilling.

The cast of characters list of suitors was finally released last week, much to my delight, so I'm here to break it down and give you my completely biased opinions about JoJo's future husband. I'm no fan of dilly dallying, so let's jump right in.

First glance. Just opened the page and saw one man in a Santa suit and one man in a kilt. Don't know who they are but gonna go ahead and nix those two before we even start.

Second glance. These guys are all so...pretty. Except for a select few. I'm not sure if that's good or bad for them. Hopefully for JoJo's sake (and ours) they are less pretty in person because honestly I'm not tryna date someone who has better eyebrows than I do. Also this yearbook-style blue background kills me every year. You rock, never change. XOXO, Eliz

Third, before we really dig deep, here are the men who qualify for minority points in the fantasy league: Christian, Grant, Jake, Jonathan. THIS IS THE FINAL DECISION. YOU WILL BE REFERRED HERE IF YOU DISPUTE MINORITY POINTS AT ANY TIME DURING THE SEASON.

Shit, y'all, the website crashed. ABC.go.com has failed me. Does Chris Harrison even realize how long my breath has been bated for this moment? How can you do me like this, C?!

False alarm. Wifi went out for a hot sec. Phew.

For real this time. Here's what we're working with this year. Let's take a look-see.

My Bachelorette MO tbh.

Alex, 25, US Marine
Very short in comparison with the rest of the guys, but everything else about him seems super promising. He saved someone from a burning car once. May prove to be too mature for this show.

Ali, 27, Bartender
Afraid of "bugs, cockroaches and bees" (am I the only one who groups those things together as one category and not three?), loves it when his date "dresses sexy" (eye roll). Will Ali have Persian heritage in common with JoJo, an assumption based solely on his name and his face? Maybe. Is that racial profiling? Definitely.

Brandon, 28, Hipster
Self-diagnosed hopeless romantic, idealistic, needs a haircut.

Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent
Is this the OC (Original Chad)? Could ignite some Chad-PTSD for JoJo. In his bio, he answered three different questions with "myself in 10 years." Those questions were: "Who do you admire most in the world?" "If you could be someone else for just one day, who would you be?" and "If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?" Kill me now. His one redeeming quality (former Marine) is completely negated by his greatest achievement to date, which he listed as "being born good looking." Get over yourself, Chad. Your name is Chad.

Chase, 27, Medical Sales Rep
I've read his profile like 4 times and haven't retained anything.

Christian, 26, Telecom Consultant
Victim of ex-girlfriend pet theft. But it was a Chihuahua so I don't feel bad.

Coley, 27, Real Estate Consultant
Hair is indistinguishable between manbun and greased back mullet. Ew. But he is anti-phone-during-dates so he gets points for that.

Derek, 29, Commercial Banker
Okay Derek is someone I could get under  on top of  on board with. Good writer, good eyebrows, good number of inches...taller than me. Questionable cucumber phobia but I'm sure that's easily explained. We all have our quirks.

Daniel, 31, Male Model
Daniel refers to his body as a "Lambo" not once, but TWICE in his bio. His OWN body. Not even JoJo's body, which arguably would be better, depending on who you ask. I'm sorry, Daniel. Gtfo. That kind of cockiness would make me run for the hills. JoJo, be careful.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Expert
WHERE DO I EVEN START. There's so much meat here. Or is it not enough meat? Ha. Penis jokes. How does one become an erectile disfunction expert? From experience? Is this a medical profession? I have so many questions and nothing else about him matters anymore. OH except I just read that one of his deal breakers is "girls with chipped nail polish." Sorry, Evan, you aren't hot enough to have requirements that outrageous. Baiiiiiii.

Grant, 27, Firefighter
Poor man's Derek Morgan. Doesn't like when girls talk about Harry Potter for more than 20 minutes on a date. Rude, but he'll be nice to look at.

Hey, baby girl.

Jake, 26, Landscape Architect
Overly confident about his future with JoJo. His answers are all very cocky, yet he lists humility as his best attribute. Suspicious.

James F, 34, Boxing Club Owner
In addition to throwing a mean left hook (just like me), James F seems like a totally reasonable and normal person! He won't last more than two episodes. His shirt isn't tight enough.

James S, 27, Bachelor Superfan
Not even clicking on the full bio based on his "profession."

James Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter
I've had a lot of tinto and I'm not absorbing anything from this guy's bio. His face is weird and he might be the Brady of this season. Saw the word daddy and x-ed out immediately. Noooope. Also he's named James Taylor.

Jonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep
Has a tattoo of his grandmother. Dislikes all vegetables. Swipe left.

Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback
NO. NOT AGAIN. This show and its former professional athletes. Ughhhhhghhhghgh. Please prove me wrong, Jordan. Please. I'm having flashbacks of Josh M.

Luke, 31, War Veteran
Remarkably unremarkable.

Nick B, 33, Electrical Engineer
He's got an automatic leg up with his last initial B. The three most recent winners of the show all had B last names too (Lauren B, Shawn B, Whitney B). Other than that Nick B seems pretty decent. Plus he plays rugby. Hoping for some Gratuitous Nakedness Points with this one. #DemThighsDoe

Nick S, 26, Software Salesman
Goodness gracious, another Nick who sells software? We've been here before; I recognize that tree. I just took a closer look at Nick S's picture and was alarmed by what appears to be a rolled up bandana necklace. Wild West meets tech nerd? Who let him keep that thing on for his photo? I appreciate that his bio answers made me giggle (dreams of running a tomato farm one day, dislikes "scary cheeses") but I don't know if I can get past his fashion choices.

Peter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager
Needs to hurry up and choose between clean shaven or full beard. The in-between stage is really not working for him. Ain't gon be meeting Peter at the perk if he looks like that.

Robby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer
Former Competitive Swimmer? Seriously, Robby? I ALSO AM A FORMER COMPETITIVE SWIMMER but you don't see me listing that on job applications or my Bumble profile. Might as well add all your other high school and middle school accolades while you're at it. Former Spanish Club President, Former Key Club Treasurer, Former Spelling Bee Champion...

Sal, 28, Operations Manager
I can't think about anything except that children's book called Blueberries for Sal. All I want to do now is go back to Nesbit, Mississippi and pick blueberries. Country roads, take me home...

Vinny, 28, Barber
Don't think Vinny will be a strong contender.

Wells, 31, Radio DJ
Not your typical face for radio. I'm okay with it. His ideal date is also my ideal date, so there's that. "Really good tacos, a great live band, a walk around the city, and wine and cheese on my front porch as Otis Redding plays on my turn table." *sWoOn* Okay, Wells, I'm impressed. If things don't work out between you and JoJo, I'll be seeing you in Nashville v soon.

Will, 26, Civil Engineer
Shave the soul patch, please. Then we can reevaluate.

FINALLY DONE. Man, that was exhausting. If you've made it this far, you're welcome for doing your research for you.

Okay! Now that that's out of the way, super excited for this season to get rolling. There's still time to get a pool together for the league and sign up online. Up there at the top there's a section called Register Your Pool. That's where you register your pool. If you aren't smart enough to figure out the form, you aren't smart enough to be in the league and that's that.

Let the drama begin.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Ben H Week One: Gettin' Higgy Wit It

Welcome back, Baches!

It feels like years since the last time we were graced with the wise words of Chris Harrison, our Lord and Savior. He's back in all of his therapeutic glory and we couldn't be happier.

My winter just got 28 degrees warmer.

The Roses to Riches Fantasy League has grown exponentially since the amateur days of Desiree's season. We're up to over 70 players in 6+ states! We have satellite conferences in Nashville, Lexington, and New York City. Yours truly is playing in the Remote Conference (aka Hoes in Different Area Codes) with competition from all over the country. The Chicago Conference is up to 5 pools of players and even conducted their draft at a sponsor bar. Congrats, folks. We've hit the big time. If we get any bigger, we might have to institute a bowl playoff system with a totally biased selection committee.

Let's get down to business, shall we? Judging by the season previews, we are in for a classically dramatic season. Night one was no disappointment. Ben H's season is full of just enough weirdos to keep our game fun. Personal favorites from draft night include the crazy chicken lady, drunk girl already stirring up trouble, and Lil' Sebastian's hillbilly friend.

RIP lil' buddy. You will always be missed.

Can we halt for a moment and talk about how Ben H is 26 and from almost the same hometown as me? He might as well be all the losers I wanted to date in high school. I don't even pay my own cell phone bill yet and this kid is talking about marriage. How could a town an hour away produce Ben H but my hometown only produced meth-addicts and Best Buy employees? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

All angsty thoughts aside, Ben H is quite good at playing the Bachelor game. He and Christ Chris Harrison are already best bros, and as we learned from 'ole Juan Pablo, that is the key to success and positive PR.

Straight out of the limo some ladies make swift advances. Lace says "hi" with an awkward kiss (does not count for points.) Leah uses a football ruse as an excuse to hike up her dress and show off the goods. JoJo terrifies us all with a unicorn mask. Lauren R confessed her social media stalking skills. The twins say and do the exact same things all night, raising suspicions of cloning and/or robot parts.

Props go out to my girl Izzy for wearing a comfy pajama onesie to such an uncomfortable formal event. You da real MVP.

Becca and Amber, the two girls from prior seasons, show up fashionably late with smug got-this-in-the-bag expressions. Naturally, the other girls already hate them.

Speaking of hate, Lace has a fewww too many glasses of pinot and has already brought our her crazy and her claws. Instead of hiding her inner-lunatic for just one night like the rest of the contestants, she decides to start shit talking and asking Ben for more attention. Not the smoothest of moves. Lace turns out to be quite the point-cow, however, thanks to her knack for insulting others and stealing Ben during one-on-one times.

Lace is the type to burn all of your stuff because your phone died.

The first impression rose, and 10 beautiful points, goes to Olivia. She's was an obvious front-runner from her introduction, but the first impression rose, aka kiss of death, almost certainly means she doesn't win. I hope she has a contingency plan, because she quit her new anchor gig to embarrass herself on television.

Thank goodness ABC followed protocol this season and gave us a rose ceremony on the first night. They tried to get all tricky last season which just flared up my stress ulcer. The rose ceremony happens at what appears to be 6am. The gals are all nervous and Lace is having trouble standing up straight. Some surprising keeps, other than Miss Inebriation, are the mother of two and the girl who never spoke English.

Our eliminated one-night-wonders are:
Breanne (the gluten hater)
Tiara (crazy chicken lady)
Maegan (can we keep Lil' Sebastian?)
Izzy (onesie hero)
Laura (intelligent redhead - who saw that coming? Sorry, Eliz)
Jessica (I don't remember anything distinct about her)

Too bad, so sad ladies.

League members, check your points and rosters on your conference page. For the sake of efficiency, Lexington is listed as part of the Nashville Conference. Don't forget to send us your team name and Tweet your watch party photos to @RosestoRiches. The league is much more fun when trash talking is involved, so pool texts/emails are highly encouraged. Feel free to also leave those thoughts and feelings in the comment section of this post.

May the roses be ever in your favor.

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

Special thanks this week goes out to Conor at Gaslight Pub in Chicago. We appreciate your patience, accommodating spirit, and sense of humor. We'll be back with bells on, if you'll have us! We may even bring you a rose.

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Kaitlyn Week Three: Villains Gonna Vill

Annnnnd we're back. We're continuing last week's To Be Continued episode, which I'm still salty about. Kupah is still drangry and yelling at Elan (yes, first name basis with Producer Numero Uno). Kaitlyn overhears and scolds him. He retracts back into his turtle shell and resembles a petulant 5-year-old afraid of its mother. "FINE. I won't yell anymore, mom." Once she steps away, his ego kicks back in and he's all "I didn't like her anyway" and the whole thing is over. Not the blaze of glory we all hoped for. I waited a week for this interaction; I was hoping it'd be something more, and not just a reenactment of all my relationship arguments ever. At least he earned some points for an unceremonious elimination and making her cry. Love it when they go down swinging.

Finally, we get our rose ceremony. She boots off Cory-No-E and Daniel. No surprises there.

Now we move on to the actual week three, and it starts out pretty heavy (LITERALLY! ha). The schtick this week is sumo wrestling! ABC was able to cast the heaviest Japanese person ever (<-- actual thing they said. He is 600lbs.) to teach the men sumo-basics. Unfortunately, ABC still employs their trusty censorship box operator, so we didn't get to see all the man tushy that was on screen. I mostly feel bad for the cameramen. Country Bumpkin Joe didn't fasten his diaper thong properly and had a little more showing the entire time, so let's hope Elizabeth's future sunscreen intern was also on the call sheet.

The men, who almost all still have black eyes from last week's aggression fun date, "wrestle" in the form of bumping, grinding, and diaper grabbing. So many sexual jokes were made, including something about a dong show and mushing of man meat.

Things we learn about Touchy Tony:

1. He love his bonzai trees most in life and hates violence
2. He has the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy
3. He sees the world through the eyes of a child
4. He enjoys taking dates to the zoo and imitating the elephants
5. He is a sore loser

We also learn that JJ loves Japanese culture, like sushi and... that's really it.

Youths.

During Tony's turn he tickles the sumo guy instead of actual fighting. Sumo giggles like a 5-year-old Asian Santa Claus and tosses Tony out of the ring like a rag doll. Tony then throws a temper tantrum about it. Frankly, I missed a lot of it because my viewing party was busy discussing his visible moose knuckle (educate yourself here). Tony, dude, you're attempting to get yourself kicked off while in a man thong. Contestants have hit low points on this show before, but I really think we're witnessing a rock bottom.

The men go do some more touching in front of an audience. Clint goes all Hulk and takes it too seriously. Apparently he was a wrestler in college, which might explain some of his later behavior involving shirtlessness and male bonding.

Touchy Tony leaves the show and earns some unceremonious elimination points. I hope a producer gave him Ashley S's number on the way out.

Pardon my french here, but all the dudes on this date are so butt-hurt. It makes sense, because it's like the second week of grownup sleepaway camp when exhaustion, hangover, and homesickness set in, but it's annoying anyway. Shawn B gets the group date rose and also 10 points for being the first to say he's "falling for Kaitlyn." We all swoon.

Next up is a one-on-one date with Ben Z who, as Kaitlyn so accurately described, is a babe-soda. They go on a TERRIFYING Saw-themed date supposedly set up by Chris Harrison. They are locked in a horrifying room with live creatures and they have to find clues for the code to get out. When I say terrifying, I mean it. A live scorpion? Snakes? I had to keep my eyes closed this whole segment. I've had this nightmare before, and it ended in a Monday morning staff meeting. All I know is that the password was "Roses" and now I have to change the password for all accounts associated with this blog. Thanks ABC. I would not have judged either of them if they had peed their pants...I know I would have when I saw the LIVE SNAKES. One thing I most certainly did judge for, however, is Kaitlyn's fear of birds. Look, I get it, pigeons are absolutely disgusting, but she has TWO bird tattoos permanently on her body? Why would you do that if you have a fear of them? Whyyyyyyyy.

Me during this whole date.

Once that's over, Ben Z gets his date time, and he's all cute and rose-deserving. Yay. Ben Z is top notch. He's literally everyone's type. Even Rob said he's gay for Ben Z.

The third date of the night is another group adventure. The men are required to teach children (concerningly young child actors, to be specific) the birds and the bees. This proves to be difficult because Joshua learned all of his sex ed from watching their cows back on the farm. Considering my mother was my middle school sex ed teacher (shout out to Mama Sutton!), I have little sympathy for the men's claims of feeling awkward. Ben H steps up and shows the group how it's done (LITERALLY AGAIN! Ha!) He gives an adorably accurate description of baby making [insert babymaking-with-me joke here...you can stop reading now, Mama] and makes all of us swoon at his charisma. Obviously he's going to know the ins and outs of sex...he went to IU ZING. Ben H gets the group date rose.

He's not wrong.

On to the cocktail party. Can we address the homoeroticism in the room? Clint and JJ are all about each other and it's the secondary storyline to the whole episode. I know that they're joking, but they're joking a little too calmly, and I'm not sure I like that they're joking about being gay. I love too many gays to let idiots on reality television make fun of them. Naming the episode Brokeback Bachelor not only insults my gay best friends, but it also insults Heath Ledger, which we can all agree is NEVER ok. JJ plays the Bach game and at least pretends to like Kaitlyn, but Clint goes as far to say that he only wants to stay because of JJ. He actually says "I'm not into Kaitlyn." JJ and Clint form an alliance to piss off everyone around them and help each other win. Newsflash: this is not Survivor. Anyone who might mistake Chris Harrison for Jeff Probst can just gtfo right now.

Villains Gonna Vill.

Meanwhile, plenty of men are taking their turn drunkenly making out with Kaitlyn, pleading for her to keep them. Several dudes get points for warning her that C+JJ are there for the wrong reasons. She storms over to find Clint (and for some reason, only Clint) and tell him off...

ANOTHER STUPID TO BE CONTINUED. SCREW YOU ABC. We have a structure for our point keeping and you're totally throwing it off. We can only include the Emperor's New Groove .gif so many weeks in a row. Next week we'll have another rose ceremony in the first 10 minutes (30 minutes, if you include commercials)

My groove is still off, ABC. STILL.

Points and rosters have been updated.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Britt/Kaitlyn Week 1, Part 1: Go Home, You're Drunk.

Hold on to your hats, people, it's going to be a wild ride. The season is already off to a great start, and we're only one episode in.

First, a big welcome to all the new league participants! The Roses to Riches Chicago conference has increased to a whopping three pools and the Nashville Conference is growing as well. We're at record capacity this year and actually had to turn people away. Looking into expansion possibilities, so stay tuned for that.

Second, huge thanks to the Orchard gals for hosting draft night. The Coach House is out of commission and Julie took the TV, so we appreciate you allowing the league to take over your living room for the evening.

Right off the bat in this episode we get some nice quality time with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. I've missed him so! He tries to convince America that allowing men to choose the Bach-ette will offer a better opportunity for true love to blossom. He only said that to work in the rose pun, so I can't fault him for that. Side note: can't wait to pre-order The Perfect Letter!

Here's a rundown of the contestants for this season. What follows is a combination of a few people's note-taking, plus crowd reactions and text message conversations.

Ben H. Julie knows him! Kind of. Friend of a friend.
Ben Z. Former almost-NFL player. Dead mom. Front runner
Bradley
Brady. Singer from Nashville. Waxes poetic about Britt being a billion on a scale of 1 to 10, says he has melodies inside him. ok.
Chris arrived in a cupcake car
Clint looks like a loser, needs a haircut.
Corey
Cory no E. I call him Flex.
Daniel is almost definitely gay. We can tell by his occupation and also because Emily knows three girls who have made out with him and can back this claim up
David
Ian in a coma from car accident. Taking an early lead
Jared awkwardly talking at both of them while standing only in front of Britt. Possibly gay. Snaggletooth
JJ tryna puck Kaitlyn. She digs the jokes
Joe needs a haircut but love the moonshine and the accent. "yes ma'am" ftw
Jonathan has a child. And earrings.
Josh. Criminal lawyer/stripper. Unable to find a wife among the women who watch him strip. He seems bewildered by this so now he's on the show, procrastinating studying for the bar. BEWARE ANYONE ON THIS SHOW NAMED JOSH. DID NO ONE LEARN THAT LESSON FROM ANDI'S SEASON?
Joshua the welder from Idaho. Makes a promising metaphor about welding and love with heat, friction and sparks flying. Okay that metal rose though...
Justin OMG every J name on the planet in this cast
Kupah looks like a half-black Pitbull. The man, not the dog. I like him mostly because his answers online sound like he was just g-chatting someone about going on the show. "What does marriage mean to you?" "FOOORREEEVEEERRRRR."
Ryan B
Ryan M is drunk already, just go home
Shawn B Ryan Gosling doppelgänger holy smokes
Shawn E, amateur sex coach (not even a professional?!) and arrived in a hot tub
Tanner pwns Britt immediately by handing her some tissues. Kaitlyn continues the pwn-age, asking "Is that soap or tissues??" Heh.
Tony omg he literally just kissed his plants. "See you later babies." Plant kisser! He's talking yogi nonsense about the puzzle pieces of life and sounds like he's on a lot of drugs. Also has a suspicious black eye...

The cocktail party is in full swing and the guys are in serious competition analysis mode. They're discussing the ladies as if they are a political platform. "Are you pro-Kaitlyn or pro-Britt?" "I just found a pocket of people who are pro-Kaitlyn." "I haven't decided which way I'm voting yet." It's called love guys just follow your hearts. Not that hard.

Ian with the first steal of the evening! He stole Kaitlyn from the group though, not from an individual, so no points awarded for that. He's an early favorite among the viewing audience.

Clint earns huge metaphorical points with his cocktail party stunt. He brings out a framed piece of art and it is the most beautiful masterpiece I have ever seen, second only to The Naked Man. It's a pencil drawing. Of Chris Harrison. RIDING A TRICERATOPS. I would pay big money to own this piece of history.

Then, we have Ryan M. Oh, Ryan M. So many points, so little screen time! The guy shows up already drunk, then proceeds to:

- Call out Shawn E's limo stunt as stupid, telling him he sucks

- Bang on the windows during other people's intros, waving like an idiot

- Slap Kaitlyn's rear end 

- Shout "IS THIS THE GAY BACHELOR?!?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY" after doing a scan of all the guys in the room

If this isn't enough, he then strips naked (where was Josh for this?) and jumps in the pool. He's literally falling over as he tries to get out of the pool, then goes running around the house tearing shit up and knocking pictures off the walls. JJ tries to intervene, asking him, "Why do you have your shirt off right now?" 

To which Ryan M responds, "WHY AM I NOT RAPING YOU RIGHT NOW?"

Then, for the first time in Bachelor history, Chris Harrison intervenes! Ryan M gets bounced out by the large man in the golf cap, struggles to navigate his way around the rose bush, and gets sent home by Our Lord and Savior in a prison van. No rejection limo for you, sir. #byeforever

The guys then start to vote on who they want by putting a rose in one of two boxes. Tony rushes to the ballot box before Chris Harrison even stops talking. "The energy coming from the chest with Britt's name on it was...pulsating." Cool it on the sensual talk dude it's night one.

Of COURSE ABC left us with a cliff hanger. Darn you, producers and your antics. Why can't I be one of you.

Tonight we'll find out who the Bachette is! We'll also have preliminary standings at the end of the episode, which will go up Wednesday.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

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Chris' Finale: Love Is Blind and Apparently Also Deaf

Alterate titles to this post:
- Whitney's Voice Forever. Forever ever? Forever EVER?!
- I Ain't Sayin' She A Gold Digger, But She Ain't Messin' With No Broke Farmer
- To Have and To Hold Until I Have To Go Harvest
- She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

Well, folks, this season is over. Prince Farming has found his "princess" and half of our league lost their $15. The finale was pretty anticlimactic as far as Bachelor finales go. Let's get into the details, shall we?

Both ladies get the privilege of traveling to Iowa (again, yay?) to meet Chris' family. First up is Whitney. She makes a bunch of ridiculous speeches that make our ears bleed, but she cries a lot, so at least that voice is earning some of us points. Chris' sisters and mom really like her so she takes an early lead.

Becca goes into the lions' den and confirm her status as a rational thinker with her whole "no, I'm actually a normal human and don't fall in love with people immediately on TV." She's not head-over-heels. The fam's not impressed. Chris, on the other hand, basically say's she has it in the bag.

Fast forward to some evening in an actual municipality: Chris goes to see Becca in her hotel and is all "do you love me?" and she's all "dude, slow your roll." Meanwhile Julie is all "love is stupid" and the rest of the viewing party is all "shut up."

After Becca fails to express any real thoughts, Chris takes Whitney out on a date on a tractor, winning the first tractor ride points (Note: there was a tractor featured early on this season, but due to a movement technicality, it didn't count.)

They go back to Chris' house, where Whitney immediately starts to visualize where she will put the framed picture SHE ALREADY HAS OF THEM. Chris comments that the house has "room to grow" meaning let's pop out some babies now, shall we? There were some more serious boring conversations but we were too busy taking jello shots to notice.

After all that non-drama, we get to the rose ceremony. The limos have to travel appx 90 minutes to get to this barn in the middle of nowhere, not counting the McDonald's stop 20 mins out because that's the only restaurant around. The setup is a pretty weird, like rustic chic on acid (although the stained glass was on point). The anticipation of who will get out first is killing me!!! WHO IS IT OMGGGGG.

Becca. Damnit.

She steps out of the limo in her super fab red velvet gown, Chris breaks up with her and she takes it like a champ. She saves face for the camera and doesn't shed a single tear. I acknowledge that people like her don't necessarily make for good TV and, as Julie points out, if everyone acted like she did we wouldn't have a league to speak of. But I applaud Becca for not having a hysterical breakdown on national television. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Emotions are the worst.

I'm making Julie write about Whitney now because I don't like her and it'll be too mean.

So Whitney steps out of the limo and gets her little hug and pep talk from Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. She's shaking like a chihuahua in the springtime and her eyes are bugging out in a similar fashion. Did she steal some substances from Ashley S? Whit reiterates the whole "I love you, we'd make awesome babies" schpiel for like a half hour. On this note, Chris drops to one knee and gives her the huge rock provided by a jeweler who we will not name drop (we'll reconsider if he pays us the same he pays ABC to get on the show every season.) Anyway, they get all lovey-dovey, sit on the barn ledge in their formal wear, and watch the midwestern sunset in below-freezing temperatures. True romance.

Our viewing party does one last cheers with Jello shots (thanks, Corinne's Aunt!) and tallies up points:

In Chicago Pool #1 Team Audrey, the Farmer's Floozies took first place. That team had BOTH Whitney and Becca. Props for good drafting. Second went to Julie's Jive Turkeys and third went to a former champion: MC's McSluts.

In Chicago Pool #2 Finally Gonna Win Corinne takes back the title of first place with her team Corinne & Chris' Corn-fed Cuties. Second place goes to Shannon's Boot Scootin' Biddies. It was a tight race and Shannon lost by only 2 points, despite being out of team members for weeks. Kyle's Threesome appropriately took third place.

In the Nashville Pool, Team Caitlin Bach of Cookies won by a landslide with 233 points. Second place went to Katharine's Kittenz. Rounding out the Nashville top 3 was Rachel's Blackout Bitches. Also in this league, we set a new record low. Team Emily: A Roll in the Hay brought disgrace to their GM with only 63 points. Maybe next season they can recover.

Now that this season's over, let's talk about next. What the hell, ABC? Chris Harrison announced last night that next season will feature...wait for it... TWO bachelorettes. Not only are they breaking the sacred cycle, they're letting bratty Britt get more screen time.

   

On a serious note, ABC is taking the sexism of the show to a whole new level. Before, it was acceptable because it's The Bachelor and it's cheesy and it's funny to watch people make a fool of themselves. It's not funny anymore. They took it too far. On a less serious note, this is totally going to wreak havoc on the structure of the league, which we do NOT appreciate. Throwing off our groove here, Chris Harrison.

It's been an excellent season, Bachies.  Until next time...


Love & Roses
Julie and Elizabeth
Your League Czars Commissioners

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Chris Week Two: Dawn of the Living Crazies

Thank goodness Monday Night Bachelor is back! Week two is quite a doozie of ditzes.  Let's dive right in, shall we?

ABC left us with a cliff hanger last week with sore-loser-Kimberly. Chris made many dumb, drama-inducing decisions this week, and keeping Kimberly was one of them. We enjoyed all the shade being thrown in her direction, though. All the other contestants were quite bitter, but soon got over it when the producers finally let them go to bed.

The next morning, our first date card is delivered, and praise Chris Harrison, it's a group date. It's a gaggle of girls whose names I cannot even begin to remember (thanks a lot, fermented grapes). The producers Chris makes them strip down into their itsy bitsy, teenie weenie bikinis for a "pool party" followed by a bikini tractor race...because apparently that's normal. Chris spends some alone time with Kimberly where she basically gives him a love fern, and they do the whole "starting over" cliche. Later he gets some one-on-one time with the Kim Kardashian wannabe sitting on a tractor, Unfortunately the tractor was not in motion with both of them on it, thus no First Tractor Points were awarded.

Next on the dating docket, McKenzie gets selected for some prolonged one-on-one time, and we learn that she's a grade A psycho. Before giggling like a school girl, she was sure to tell him how perfect his big nose is (who says that??) and ask him if he believes in aliens. Finally, she timidly told him about her surprise child named Kale...that's right. Kale. Every time she talks about how cute her kid is I just picture an extraordinarily beautiful bunch of chewy lettuce. Let's just stop this paragraph right there, because Mama always said if you don't have anything nice to say, move on to the next sarcastic thought. Yes, McKenzie got a rose.

The first one-on-one date of the season went to Megan. She scored some serious pointage with the First Helicopter Ride as the two traveled over the Grand Canyon. The date was pretty typical: the two shared 6 minutes of conversation and spent the rest of the film reel snogging.

Imma take this moment to make one serious, out-of-character statement. We heard some pretty heartbreaking stories from Megan and Juelia this episode. Because I have a human soul, I can't bring myself to talk too much smack about them, even if Juelia's name is spelled incorrectly. If they do something ridiculous next week, I'll reconsider, but for now, Megan, Juelia, I'm sorry for your losses. Juelia is re-qualified for life.

Now that that moment of weakness is over...

We are now to the best part of the night. For the second group date, the girls are brought to a remote location and frightened by interns dressed as zombies. As Eliz so accurately pointed out, the girls' screams were on par with that time JP saw his girls with no makeup. Ees not ok!

This date includes zombies, paintball guns, and a complete lunatic known as Ashley S. Crazy Eyes McGee must have been on some kind of drugs, because she was completely incoherent from the time the date started to when a producer took her home and re-fastened the straight jacket. As Kaitlin pointed out, 'ole Ash-face shouldn't be entrusted with a wet noodle, let alone a paintball gun.

Surprisingly, this date ends with Kaitlin getting a rose, and NOT with a trip to the nut house for them all. We were shocked.

Now we've gotten to the rose ceremony. Chris basically makes out with everyone, and then Jordan gets white girl wasted, which she's apparently been doing all week. Our Party Princess earned 12 whole Visibly Intoxicated points, which is a new league record.

Before I end this post, let's all take a moment to talk about Jillian. Our first visit with her this week included a black censorship box covering both the front AND back of her bathing suit, leaving us completely baffled. We find out later in the episode, thanks to a drunk cohort, she does not groom her body hair. After laughing, the whole viewing party had another moment of sympathy and actually felt bad that Jillian's grooming details were shared with all of the non-football watching population of America. Sorry, girlfriend. Icing on top of the cake: Jillian totally thought her name was being called when Chris really said "Juelia," so the woolly mammoth walked forward, almost face planted on the laminate floor, and cackled like the Wicked Witch of the West. Jillian had an all around rough week. If only we handed out humiliation points. Thankfully, we don't.

Points have been updated and losers removed. There are some early league leaders, but there are plenty of weeks left for change.

Does this zip height make me look "urban"?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Chris Week One, Draft Night: Prince Farming's Big Debut

Well, folks, it's finally that time of year when Mondays are our favorite day of the week. BACHELOR SEASON IS BACK! Put on your snazziest judging clothes, because all bets are on.

In case you live under a rock and/or are a complete moron, this season's piece of meat up for grabs is hunky farm boy Chris: a millionaire farmer from Podunk Arlington, Iowa. He subtly made a name for himself on Andi's season by being the most rational, reasonable contestant ever to set foot in the Bachelor mansion.

Here's hoping ABC brought their first string producers and interns to stir up some drama for us, because I am a little fearful that Chris' devastating earnestness won't make great TV. But based on the season's previews, I'm confident that the producers won't disappoint. A few things we've got in store for us include:

• "The strangest rose ceremony we've ever seen on the show"
• VIRGIN! IN THE FANTASY SUITE! 

Say it in Professor Quirrell's voice 

• Someone requiring oxygen from a medical professional
• Make-out montages
• Betch tears on betch tears on betch tears

Some notes before we get started. Point categories are located here. Team Rosters are here. For clarity purposes, Bachelor Chris will be referred to as Chris, among any/all punny nicknames we assign him. Chris Harrison will always be referred to as Chris Harrison, Cupid, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, or simply CH. 

Master Matchmaker

Let's go through the ladies in alphabetical order. Chris is presented with an unprecedented 30 potential wifeys this season, and quickly gets overwhelmed by the choices. At one point, he confesses, "I wish I was a polygamist right now."

This is how I would be if I were in Chris' shoes:

Luckily for us, Chris is more open minded. Let's take a look-see...

Alissa, 24, flight attendant. Brought a seatbelt and did the demo. "That was f***ing adorable." -said all the bachelorettes from inside, and all of us viewers at home.

Amanda, 24, ballet teacher. Alarmingly large eyes. Tried to be Chris' secret admirer the way he was for Andi. Didn't pull it off; Chris' reaction was, "K." She was sent home.

Amber, 29, bartender. Brought her teddy bear...

Ashley I, 26, nanny.

Ashley S, 24, hair stylist. Got wasted and started hallucinating pomegranates outside with the producers while she talked about peeling away the layers of an onion. She looks very distracted all the time, not much going on upstairs.

Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant. Chris dug her. Checkin her OUT and tongue tied.

Bo, 25, plus-size model

Britt, 27, waitress. Gave Chris the longest hug ever experienced and OMG she is almost as devastatingly earnest as he is. Is this even possible?? Early front runner, probably has a target on her back. #bachelorjargon

Brittany, 26, WWE diva-in-training. Enough said.

Carly, 29, cruise ship singer. During her entrance, other girls were watching from inside. "What is she singing?" "I don't know but I think she's going to get eliminated tonight."

Jade, 28, cosmetics developer. Seems legit. Promising musical accompaniment with her entrance.

Jillian, 25, news producer. Kind of scary. Keeps flexing for the camera...?

Jordan, 24, student. Takes whiskey shots with Chris as her entrance gimmick.

Juelia 30, esthetician. Disqualified from life based on the spelling of her name.

Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor. Doesn't blink often enough. Tells super inappropriate jokes, is loud and crude. She'll earn some points for us hopefully.

Kara, 25, high school soccer coach. Got out of the limo and immediately mentions having babies with Chris. Slow your roll, girlfriend.

Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor. We like Kelsey. She's cute and normal.

Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor.

Mackenzie, 21, dental assistant. She's 21.

Megan, 23, makeup artist.

Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator.

Nicole, 31, real estate agent. Red head! Solidarity, sister. Sorry you went home.

Nikki, 26, FORMER NFL cheerleader. The Josh of Chris' season. What is she currently doing with her life?! Also my dog's name is Nikki.

Reegan, 28, donated tissue specialist. She brought out tissue from a heart and Chris was disgusted, so she reminded him that "IT WAS A JOKE" while making that emoji face with all the teeth.

IT WAS A JOKE.

Samantha, 27, fashion designer.

Tandra, 30, executive assistant. Rode in on a motorcycle.

Tara, 26, sport fishing enthusiast. I assume she's taking a cue from Dog Lover on her profession. Homegirl stepped out of the limo in daisy dukes and cowgirl boots and Chris seemed to dig it. She should've quit while she was ahead. She proceeded to change clothes, re-introduce herself, and then slam a few too many Jack on the rocks. She barely made it through the rose ceremony without vomming and passing out. Chris decided to give her a second chance so we'll see how she handles her liquor next week. Jack wins every time, Tara. Everyone knows that.

Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher.

Trina, 33, special education teacher.

Whitney, 29, fertility nurse. Corinne knows her! Kind of.

The whole thing with two groups of limos was silly. "Another limo showed up in front of the mansion surprising everyone no one." -Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. All this did was cause a huge rift between the Original Fifteen and the Nouveau Femmes.

Also why was this premiere THREE WHOLE HOURS? So unnecessary. Britt got the First Impression Rose and the First Real Kiss, blowing everyone else out of the water and earning us lots of points right out of the gate. Lots of people are #TeamBritt, but I have to say I'm a little skeptical. She seems almost too good to be true. I think the producers are setting America up for heartbreak. Planting the seeds early.

In true Bachelor form, ABC left us with a cliffhanger! Kimberly was eliminated but after crying some betch tears for the camera she decided she wasn't ready to leave just yet (even though it was morning wtf I'd be out of there so fast). She goes back in to talk to Chris in what will hopefully be a teary drunken confrontation. We won't know for sure until next week! Can't wait. This is going to be a great season.

We have a record number of people playing this season, so we had to make THREE pools! Points are up here. Those with Britt on their teams are killing it right now, but don't fret! There will be plenty of crazy to go around.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Draft Night: Andi's Season

Welcome back, Bach-es.
It's our favorite time of the year, Bachelorette season! Don't get me wrong, the Bachelor is all well and good, but for some reason man-tears and excessive male ego crushing just makes my Mondays 10x better.

Regardless of your show preference, we can all get behind the wonderful return of the League. This season we have a whopping 14 league participants, including three males. More participants = more money and more brie, so check out this season's point categories, stock up on wine, and set your Monday night DVR.

Due to the high demand, we have broken up the league into two league pools. Each pool is made up of 7 teams of 10. First place in each pool wins $50, second place wins $25, third place wins $15, and each pool's loser get a cheap-o bottle of wine (we're talking two-buck-chuck, because that is all a loser deserves).

Now, on to the important stuff...
After last season's snoozefest/douchbaggery, we were all craving some classic Bachelorette ridiculousness, and ABC did not disappoint. While I'm still under the impression that Andi is way too smart to be fooled into drinking the Bachelorette kool-aid, she sure did a good job of convincing the audience that she is 100% in this "for love." You do you, girl.

The men this season are a nice mix of juiceheads, salesmen, and wedding planners. We saw plenty of gimmicky entrances, including Macklemore/SeanLowe pushing a limo up the driveway. Mullet dude brought a floor lamp with him because nothing says "I like you" like stolen goods. Some soccer player actually had the guts to bring up 'ole JP in casual conversation (bold move, bro).

After introductions and a few rounds of one-on-ones, ABC had a surprise for us. A mysterious man was at the front gate carrying roses and a heart full of love for Andi. Lo and behold, our mystery suitor was Chris P. from Emily's season and Bachelor Pad! Merry Christmas, viewers.  Turns out that since Bachelor Pad, our buddy Chris has become pathetic and lost all the producers' phone numbers. Apparently he had been in LA for 10 days just waiting to crash Andi's first night and vie for Andi's affection. Andi rejects him and Chris Harrison, feeling useful again, has to let Chris P. down easy.

The whole Chris P. sitch took some time away from the actual suitors, so unfortunately, we only got about 2 seconds of opera singing out of Michigan man.  Points-wise, this episode lacked in excitement.


Point Earning Highlights

Nick V. got the first impression rose earning him 5pts
Our two minorities both live to see another episode, earning 5pts each
She kept the wedding planner and tossed the helicopter pilot, like a chump

Team totals can be viewed here. Kelly's currently unnamed team is the only team still 10 for 10!  Good luck, competitors. This season is shaping up to be a tough one.



Love and Roses,

Julie and Elizabeth
League Commissioners

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Week Six: The Squeeze

First of all, our sincerest apologies for the lack of Bach-tastic blogging last week. Contrary to popular belief, we do have lives outside of the Bachelor (jk, we were lazy)

On to the good stuff:
This week the ladies trotted down to New Zealand, the land of hobbits, volcanoes, and bratty tourists.  The festivities start with Andi's first one-on-one date featuring a speed boats and waterfalls. Props to Andi for being the one chick gutsy enough to wear a one piece bathing suit. Here at the Bachelor fantasy league, we applaud your fashion sense (this actually isn't sarcasm...I thought it was really cute).  After frolicking in the forest with whatever kind of horrid creatures were in that water, the pair enjoyed 10 seconds of dinner, followed by 10 minutes of complaining about the geyser they were sitting next to.  How romantic.

Next, on the group date, the gang spent quality time getting to know each other...while rolling down a hill in some kind of inflatable ball contraption. After the spin cycle was done, we cut to a cocktail party in a hobbit home on the set of Lord of the Rings. Since most of these girls have never read a book, the novelty of the location was lost on everyone except Sharleen. Naturally, our resident opera singer and nerd was geekin' out. JP is still trying to figure out what a hobbit is.

This group date happens to be Cassandra's 22nd birthday (yea, that's right, she's younger than us), and boy, did she get a great gift. ABC executed some classic bait-and-switch moments this week, and this one left all of our jaws dropping: JP and Cassandra had this great talk, and she was starting to show glimpses of an actual personality, and then he gives the rose to Nikki and disposes of Cassandra like a used tissue. The poor girl thought she was going outside for some kind of birthday wish, when instead she just got a swift boot to the behind. Very smooth, Juan Pablo. 

The good news is that points were plentiful. Nikki gave us the first "I'm falling for you" and Cassy got some hefty unceremonious elimination points. Peppered in there were other catch-phrases like future family discussions and date/life analogies. Hooray!

The third and final date of the week was a one-on-one with Crazy Eyes Clare. They spent the morning whining about what did or did not happen in the ocean last week, and then hung out in sweatpants...much like my typical Friday night. JP is still all about Clare and thinks she "has sumting verrrry sexy about her," so we'll see where this goes.  

This week Juan Pablo eliminated Kat (the one girl he had not yet kissed), which leaves 6 remaining contestants for his heart. Previews for next week are looking pretty spectacular and we can't wait to see a verbal altercation go down.

I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss Dog Lover and her slut shaming.


Week six standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

128 points - MC's McSluts

100 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 77 points - Cooney's Cunts

76 points - J$'s Dime$

70 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

 67 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

64 points - Julie's Jezebels

61 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

54 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept dis rose?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers

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Week One Recap: Draft Night

Last night was the premiere of Juan Pablo's glorious tenure on "El Bachelor," which also means Draft Night. And what an exciting draft it was! All the league participants were furiously jotting down notes during the introductions, pausing only to refill wine glasses or inhale more baked brie. It's a unanimous feeling that this season will certainly live up to its hype, with a colorful cast of characters (figuratively AND literally...way to go, ABC!) and a plethora of shower shots of el guapeton, Juan Pablo.

Some highlights from the night and a few brief profiles of our favorite Bachelorettes, based on our introduction note-taking.

Quite an array of professions this season, ranging from federal prosecutor, to first grade teacher, to free spirit, to dog lover. For the record, dog lover = unemployed and free spirit = trust fund baby.

Amy J wins the insane award. Crazy eyes. Crazy gimmick (was that massage considered sexual assault?). Saying "I'm coming for you, Juan Pablo" a little too often. It's a shame she was eliminated, the other girls would've called her crazy millions of times! So many points for that!

Lucy twirled a lot, wore flowers in her hair and left her shoes at home. She's the free spirit/trust fund baby if that wasn't clear. She can't be trusted but she'll be a gold mine of crazy points.

Valerie was the first girl to actually refer to her betch claws. She also is a pro at archery. She'll be getting some confrontation points for sure.

Sharleen was the only girl NOT fangirling and drooling over Juan Pablo, so of course she got the First Impression Rose. Because doesn't it always work that way? We all want the one person who couldn't give less of a bother. Oh, life.

Poor, poor Kylie. Eliminated in the most horrifying and embarrassing way possible. She was too drunk to listen properly for her own name and came forward for her rose when Juan Pablo called Kat. Awk city bitch, awk awk city bitch...

Cassandra said literally one word the entire night: her name. THAT INCLUDES HER INTRODUCTION TO JUAN PABLO. SHE JUST STOOD THERE LIKE A FREAKING MANNEQUIN. Last girl chosen for dodgeball and for any of our teams. "My only note next to her name was a sad face so I'll just take Amy L..." -Emily Wurz, during Round 8 of the draft.

Who am I missing? I drank a lot of wine. Write about your favorite Bach-ies in the comments.

Bach-ies...can that be a thing?

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Team selections and team names can be viewed in the previous post, and point categories are available in the post immediately prior. Team names will be updated but the information will not change and those posts will serve as a permanent point of reference throughout the season.

Point Standings from Week One in descending order:

17 Points - MC's McSluts

14 Points - J$'s Dime$

13 Points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

8 Points - Julie's Jezebels

8 Points - Cooney's Cunts

8 Points - Shannon
7 Points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches

7 Points - Maggie

7 Points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

6 Points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Organizers

Will you accept this rose?

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Draft Results

The draft is finalized, team selections are below. Team names, if chosen, are shown. A photo roster is below for visual reference.

Julie's Jezebels:

Nikki

Renee

Amy J.

Ashley

Christine

Lucy

Kylie

Chantal

Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

Sharleen

Victoria

Clare

Lucy

Lacy

Danielle

Christy

Cassandra

Cooney's Cunts

Andi

Renee

Alli

Chelsie

Kat

Alexis

Kelly

Amy J.

Corinne's Circle of Bitches

Nikki

Lacy

Christine

Maggie

Alexis

Lauren H.

Elise

Christy

Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

Alli

Lauren S.

Clare

Kat

Ashley

Maggie

Danielle

Kylie

J-$'s Dime$

Sharleen

Renee

Valerie

Lauren H.

Christine

Elise

Amy L.

Cassandra

Maggie's Maids of Mischief. Last place! Wins wine!

Alexis

Lauren S.

Elise

Valerie

Lucy

Chantal

Amy L.

Kylie

MC's McSluts

Nikki

Andi

Sharleen

Lauren H.

Chelsie

Victoria

Amy J.

Kelly

Audrey's Fetch Betches

Andi

Clare

Alli

Maggie

Ashley

Danielle

Kat

Chantal

Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

Lauren S.

Victoria

Chelsie

Lacy

Valerie

Kelly

Christy

Cassandra

The Bachelorettes

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