Chris Week Five: We're Not in Iowa Anymore

This week's episode takes us to the exotic city of Santa Fe, New Mexico. Contrary to what several of the girls believe, New Mexico is actually not part of Old Mexico, and no, they don't wear sombreros or dance like lunatics. Where do they find these girls, really? Remedial history classes?

The first one-on-one date goes to my girl Carly. She gets the privilege of intimate time with Chris and the voyeuristic love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury (whose name totally sounds like something out of Harry Potter!) She forces them to get all awkward and sexual, which is every girl's dream first date, I'm sure. The two are even instructed to undress the other while Tzi looks on with chronic hungry eyes. Carly gets a rose. Chris gets blue balls.

Tziporah be like ^^

Now that everyone is feeling sufficiently weird-ed out, ABC brings us back to reality with the most normal situation they could muster: a group date. Two rafts full of squealing ladies float down a river, and somehow Jade gets thrown in the water which aggravates her too-ridiculous-to-be-real medical disorder. Apparently her body temperature is like that of a lizard, so she gets hypothermia at temps those of us in the Midwest call "summer." Let's all keep in mind, this girl use to model for nudie mags, and I'm sure they don't keep space heaters around those shoots...how did she survive? 

I digress...the point is, she uses her hypothermia to her advantage, scoring a foot rub from Chris and making the other girls (and Rob) jealous. Kelsey starts to get ideas. Note: this does not qualify for Medical Attention Points because a medic was not present; Chris administering "medical attention" does not count.

The date gets real interesting at the after party. Everyone's favorite drunk sorostitute Jordan shows up at the hotel begging for a second chance. Naturally, our actual contestants are pissed and throwing SO MUCH shade. It's glorious. They all bitch and whine about her return, so Chris decides is forced to drop her like a bad handbag. Whitney gets the group date rose. Jordan earns a whopping 19pts for returning, getting unceremoniously eliminated, and then crying about it. MVP of the week.

The next one-on-one date goes to Britt, who we learn is "hygienically challenged." According to her BFF Bach sistas, Britt doesn't shower. Like...ever. She also sleeps with makeup on, like a monster. Seriously, ladies, don't do that. It's really really really bad for your skin. 

^ Britt showing artistry as a form of flattery ^

Britt and Chris go on a hot air balloon ride. She seems to forget about her "fear of heights" that she had been crying about not 12 hours prior. After the date the two go snuggle up in Chris's hotel room, and Britt has the lady-balls to tell the rest of the girls about their "nap." You want to get a stiletto to the eye? That's how you get a stiletto to the eye. More shade thrown. Britt gets a rose.

Finally ABC decides to introduce us to the crazy bundle of sociopathy that is Kelsey. Yes, Kelsey has a tragic story that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. Yes, I'm sure she'll never quite get over that trauma. No, she does not need to flippantly discuss the death of her husband on national TV as if it was a flash sale at Bloomingdale's. Kelsey sneaks off to Chris's room to tell him all about her late husband, then says to the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? Tragic, but it's amazing!" and there is definitely a serial-killer smile behind it all. Our whole viewing party was still recovering from the creepiness of the first date, so this Kelsey moment causes all of our wine bottles to magically empty into our livers.

The pre-ceremony cocktail party is canceled because Chris is sure of his decision and probably too scared to face Kelsey the girls for fear of injury...or more shade. ABC proceeds to pull the biggest bitch move in the history of bitch moves, and they push the rose ceremony to next week! They had the audacity to leave us with a To Be Continued! You know what's not to be continued, ABC? My wine collection, because I drank it all last night trying to cope.

Best .gif in the history of .gifs

Points have been updated. No one has been eliminated yet, so we have that to be thankful for. All points that happen up to the end of what would have been this week's rose ceremony will be assigned to Episode 5. Then we'll proceed to Episode 6. Next week looks extra point-heavy with betch tears and actual medical attention. Until then, if anyone has a fool proof cure for Tuesday hangovers, give me a call.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners