ABC left us with a cliff hanger last week with sore-loser-Kimberly. Chris made many dumb, drama-inducing decisions this week, and keeping Kimberly was one of them. We enjoyed all the shade being thrown in her direction, though. All the other contestants were quite bitter, but soon got over it when the producers finally let them go to bed.
The next morning, our first date card is delivered, and praise Chris Harrison, it's a group date. It's a gaggle of girls whose names I cannot even begin to remember (thanks a lot, fermented grapes). The producers Chris makes them strip down into their itsy bitsy, teenie weenie bikinis for a "pool party" followed by a bikini tractor race...because apparently that's normal. Chris spends some alone time with Kimberly where she basically gives him a love fern, and they do the whole "starting over" cliche. Later he gets some one-on-one time with the Kim Kardashian wannabe sitting on a tractor, Unfortunately the tractor was not in motion with both of them on it, thus no First Tractor Points were awarded.
Next on the dating docket, McKenzie gets selected for some prolonged one-on-one time, and we learn that she's a grade A psycho. Before giggling like a school girl, she was sure to tell him how perfect his big nose is (who says that??) and ask him if he believes in aliens. Finally, she timidly told him about her surprise child named Kale...that's right. Kale. Every time she talks about how cute her kid is I just picture an extraordinarily beautiful bunch of chewy lettuce. Let's just stop this paragraph right there, because Mama always said if you don't have anything nice to say, move on to the next sarcastic thought. Yes, McKenzie got a rose.
The first one-on-one date of the season went to Megan. She scored some serious pointage with the First Helicopter Ride as the two traveled over the Grand Canyon. The date was pretty typical: the two shared 6 minutes of conversation and spent the rest of the film reel snogging.
Imma take this moment to make one serious, out-of-character statement. We heard some pretty heartbreaking stories from Megan and Juelia this episode. Because I have a human soul, I can't bring myself to talk too much smack about them, even if Juelia's name is spelled incorrectly. If they do something ridiculous next week, I'll reconsider, but for now, Megan, Juelia, I'm sorry for your losses. Juelia is re-qualified for life.
Now that that moment of weakness is over...
We are now to the best part of the night. For the second group date, the girls are brought to a remote location and frightened by interns dressed as zombies. As Eliz so accurately pointed out, the girls' screams were on par with that time JP saw his girls with no makeup. Ees not ok!
This date includes zombies, paintball guns, and a complete lunatic known as Ashley S. Crazy Eyes McGee must have been on some kind of drugs, because she was completely incoherent from the time the date started to when a producer took her home and re-fastened the straight jacket. As Kaitlin pointed out, 'ole Ash-face shouldn't be entrusted with a wet noodle, let alone a paintball gun.
Surprisingly, this date ends with Kaitlin getting a rose, and NOT with a trip to the nut house for them all. We were shocked.
Now we've gotten to the rose ceremony. Chris basically makes out with everyone, and then Jordan gets white girl wasted, which she's apparently been doing all week. Our Party Princess earned 12 whole Visibly Intoxicated points, which is a new league record.
Before I end this post, let's all take a moment to talk about Jillian. Our first visit with her this week included a black censorship box covering both the front AND back of her bathing suit, leaving us completely baffled. We find out later in the episode, thanks to a drunk cohort, she does not groom her body hair. After laughing, the whole viewing party had another moment of sympathy and actually felt bad that Jillian's grooming details were shared with all of the non-football watching population of America. Sorry, girlfriend. Icing on top of the cake: Jillian totally thought her name was being called when Chris really said "Juelia," so the woolly mammoth walked forward, almost face planted on the laminate floor, and cackled like the Wicked Witch of the West. Jillian had an all around rough week. If only we handed out humiliation points. Thankfully, we don't.
Points have been updated and losers removed. There are some early league leaders, but there are plenty of weeks left for change.
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| Does this zip height make me look "urban"? |
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners
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