Nick V Week Nine.Five: Finally, Finlantasy Suites

Welcome back, friends. ICYMI, we're not happy with ABC's scheduling and editing choices this season. See last week's rant for details. Therefore, this post covers two TV weeks, but one week in the Bach universe.

The ep(s) starts with a *~dRaMaTiC~* convo guest starring Andi. She and Nick test their amateur acting skillz to pretend this could get weird. We all know it won't and this whole bit is really just wasting my, and Chris Harrison's, suite sweet time.

Andi, you already had your 15 minutes of fame. Let Nick finish his 45.

The only moment of value in this conversation is Andi telling Nick to sleep with each of his final three, and then chastising him for the infamous "why did you make love with me" line. Oh, the good 'ole days when Nick still wore scarves.

Our rose ceremony is on a freezing NYC rooftop. The poor girls look incredibly uncomfortable. Would it have killed an intern to book a ballroom? Or at least warn the girls to wear long johns under their gowns?

FINALLY, after lasting about seven more episodes than anyone expected, Corinne gets dumped. She immediately starts to bawl. She then proceeds to say the MOST 24 year-old girl things ever and it kind of breaks my heart. She thinks she's getting dumped because she did something wrong (which even though she did, it sucks that she feels that way.) In the limo she promises to never kiss up to a man again, which ALL 24 year-old girls have said, albeit most in an Uber or Yellow Cab. Someone flips her off switch and she promptly passes out.

Bye. I won't miss you, but my scorecard will.

The Core Four don their passports and head to Finland to prove it's a real country. It's probably a good thing Corinne isn't making the trip. Being from Miami, she probably doesn't own a winter coat. On the flip side, she probably would have gone out and purchased the most obnoxious coat of all time.

Hei Finland

Raven gets the first date in Finland. They take a helicopter trip to look at snow covered snow. Then they wise-up, go indoors, and put on a beer blanket. They plan their future in which Nick cooks, Raven folds laundry (#thedream) then argue about the merits of ironing vs. steaming clothing. True romance is unfolding (<pun certainly intended.)

Some producer convinced Raven that it'd be a great idea to go over her non-existent orgasm history with Nick. Raven, dear, you're 👏  on 👏  national 👏 television👏 . Do you want porn producers to spoof you? Because this is how you get the attention of porn producers (or so I'd assume.) Aren't your family members watching this? Hey, I'm all for girl power, sexual equality and all, but discussing orgasms on TV just caught the attention of MY mother. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ORGASMS WITH MY MOTHER. Therefore, I fast forward until the end of their date. Thank goodness, too, because I don't think I could stand ten minutes of Nick in that miserable turtle neck.

End of Raven's overnight date and the editors do everything they can to say "SHE ORGASMED" without actually saying it. They put together an entire Disney-movie-like montage of snow angels, skipping, and birds. Thanks for taking all the mystery out of that one.

Next up we get America's latest sweetheart, Rachel. Every time I see Rachel I get these flashes of anger from ABC's spoilers, so apologies if I miss any details. R & N go cross country skiing together in Finland. As a lawyer from Texas, she's understandably horrible at it. Nick, with his 'Sconnie blood, can at least stand up for a hot cold sec.

Rachel on left. Nick in middle. CH (probably) on right.

Nick alludes to Rachel losing her mind after the volleyball game. A) didn't they all lose their minds? B) Why didn't ABC give us more of that? I feel totally cheated. This needs to be rehashed on Women Tell All. I NEED ANSWERS.

Maybe Rachel's not as intelligent as I originally thought....she's wearing a crop top in an arctic climate. If we can see your breath, we shouldn't see your navel.

They BOTH tell each other they're falling in L-word. Side note: Nick et all are treating "love" as if it were "Voldemort". The feeling-that-must-not-be-named is constantly referring to as an "it" throughout the entire episode, and it's starting to drive me nuts.

Of all the girls, Nick has the most chemistry with Rachel, which induces another round of the rage blackouts. I only snap back to when I notice that she's rocking a onesie the morning after Sexcapades with Nick. Props to you, girlfriend.

ABC PR team, you're on my bad side.

Vanessa is last of the three and she gets the date from hell. Seriously. This is my personal hell. They spend a day frolicking back and forth between a sauna and outdoor frozen ice bath, pretending it's a normal Finnish hobby. Did she piss off a producer at some point, or did they just think that since she's Canadian she's used to being literally frozen to death? First they made her vomit-sick in an airplane, and now they're making her flu-sick via abrasive temperature changes.

Hang in there, V.

Now that their immune systems are compromised, they get into normal intense talks about family, sacrifices and relationship deets. We learn that Nick is a Proud American. *Knucks* They neglect to factor Nick's Dancing with the Stars schedule into their plans. Rookie mistake.

Despite her judgey eyes, it's safe to say Vanessa is in the lead thanks to her practical approach to planning Life After Bach. She's also keeping some teams in the lead thanks to all of her tear points.

Rose Ceremony fashion report: V is rocking a DEEP V. Rachel's dress is FABULOUS. Raven is the only one intelligent enough to wear sleeves.

Raven gets rose numero yksi, and BUM BUM Vanessa gets rose numero kaksi. <- That's your Finnish lesson for the day.

Rachel gets the boot, which is sad because no one should ever have to cry in a dress that beautiful. 

Women Tell All came on after the ep, but honestly, after having the flu all week and being so frustrated with ABC, I can't stand another two hours of this junk. I'm sure the Twitterverse will inform me of anything "important" I missed.

Next week is finale week! Get your watch party together and send us pics of your winning and losing teams.

Love and Roses,

Julie

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Andi's Finale: The champagne didn't even pop.

Well, friends, all mediocre things must come to an end. And Andi's season has done just that. Last night, we watched with bated breath screamed at the TV as Andi chose her husband-to-be in a super dramatic finale. Not the most dramatic ending in Bachelor history, but it was dece.

Chris Harrison is hosting a live studio audience to watch the finale + ATFR. I would give anything to be there. Chris Harrison is my hero. We learn that someone’s gonna stalk Andi while she's on vacay in Mexico. Common sense says it's probably not Josh. If he doesn't win, he's just gonna go slay hoes in back in Atlanta, not continue to pine for Andi. Following Andi to Mehico is definitely a Nick V move, I mean he wrote her a book already. Does that mean Josh wins? Blech.

MEET THE PARENTS

Nick V meets the parents first and the producers cut right to the chase. They don’t waste any time here. Nick is acting super weird and nervous and Andi's parents probably think he has a social disorder. Meanwhile, Rob is picking apart every item of Nick V's ensemble. Man crush?

Nick asks Andi's dad, Hy, for permission to marry her. Hy says meh, fine. He talks about how he’s taking care of all the women in his family, enraging feminists all over the world. WOMEN ARE NOT PROPERTY blah blah blah yackety shmackety.

Josh’s turn. Andi introduces him as a former baseball player, setting him up for immediate skepticism from the entire family from the get go. Josh bumbles around awkwardly with the fam like a bull in a china shop and the dad thinks its hilarious. Hy is actually outside with the producers laughing at Josh. I like Hy. Halfway through the “date” Josh buttons another button on his shirt which was a minor improvement. He and Hy are matching. Josh also asks for Andi's hand in marriage and again Hy says meh, fine.

FINAL DATES

Andi and Josh go on a boat for some alone time with the entire 15-person crew. She talks about how smitten she is with Josh but wonders if it’s too good to be true. Knock knock, Andi, that’s common sense at the door. Apparently no one’s home. Josh sports some salmon pants, looks like Pantsapreneur gave everyone pants to keep up the product placement through the rest of the season.

Josh has a gift! He made her a FREAKING BASEBALL CARD. The “card epitomizes everything about our relationship” meaning it does not go beyond baseball. She calls him "beb" omg gross. The background music is supposed to make us like him. Not working.

Nick's date is a little boring. We talked through most of it honestly. He gets a STAAHHPPP for his gift. It’s a shell from the beach where he said I love you.

OMG ALL THE MONTAGES. Josh has a side tat? She talks about having mental connection with Nick but not with Josh. Duh. Now she’s wearing a negligee? She did not #wakeuplikethat. Oh, Josh also has under arm tats. Kewl.

Just before we cut to commercial, Andi goes off script and goes to Nick V's place unannounced, which can only mean one thing. Nick V is going home. NOOOOO! This is taking a *~*dRaMaTic*~* turn! The live studio audience is stricken with grief. Chris Harrison polls them to see what they think will happen.

"What do you think, will this end well for Nick? (doubt it)"

We get back to the plot and Andi goes to Nick's room? house? to break up with him. We know she's going to break up with him because she’s not wearing makeup in anticipation of tears. Andi makes The Face and tells Nick that "the feeling is not right" and that she doesn't want to overanalyze everything about their relationship. This line is complete bullshit because all she EVER does with Josh is analyze their relationship. I feel bad for Nick because Andi is clearly just a jersey chaser and he's finally realizing he never stood a chance. He even asks, "is it because of someone else?" As if there was some ~mystery~ dude that he just discovered was winning Andi over more than he was. Nick earned himself some tear points and some unceremonious elimination points. It's raining when she leaves, because, producers.

Back with the live studio audience, Farmer Chris is in the house!!!! Everyone cheers. Cody is trying really hard not to spill the beans about who's the next Bachelor (COUGHCOUGHchrisCOUGHCOUGH) and is doing a terrible job.

THE PROPOSAL

Josh ACTUALLY starts his proposal speech with, “When I decided to give up my first love, baseball...” OMG NO. DONE. GTFO. Josh does the Andi face a lot. She says yes, they say I love you, he accepts the final rose. They kiss a lot and clearly just want the producers to leave. Now they are engaged and will live *~happily ever after!~*

At this point, Jenna spilled her wine for the second time. I generously offered to take it off her hands to avoid more spillage. Wanna just pour that in my glass? K, thanks.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

We learn that Nick showed up at The Men Tell All episode but Andi didn't want to talk to him. This was apparently the second time he had tried to see her, so he had a note ready this time in case of rejection. Andi stares pensively at the letter. Does she read it?! We saw this letter during MTA episode but we didn't know who it was from. We should've known better, the note is multiple pages long. Obvi from Nick because Josh can’t write that much.

Nick has a lil therapy sesh with Chris Harrison tonight and doesn't say much, is awkward. Then the producers force Andi to talk to him, because we need some real drama here, people! Bet they didn't see this coming because Nick makes the most explicit reference to S-E-X ever in Bachelor history. Finally addressing the elephant in the Fantasy Suite. We learn that Nick takes S-E-X pretty seriously, like a completely reasonable human being. He refers to it as "fiancé stuff." Nick asks Andi, "If you weren't in love with me, why did you make love with me?" *cue astonished gasps and jaws on the floor from both the live studio audience and everyone in our living room*

Andi makes The Face during this whole "discussion" and pretty much blows it off saying, "The Fantasy Suite is private, durrr. Low blow, dude." But I have to say, I'm on Nick's side. If Andi knew all this about him, and then did all that "fiancé stuff" knowing he wasn't going to win, that's a little selfish I think. 

Anywayyyyy moving on. Best of luck to Nick. See u at Homeslice in Chitown maybz?

I hear their brunch is good.

Josh comes to hang out on the couch. Chris asks them if they've been having secret rendezvous (what's the plural of this? Rendezvouses? Corinne?) in Atlanta. Josh: "yeh fer sher." Andi: "We still haven't been on a real date (that's not paid for by ABC!)" Andi assures us that she's still not preggers, though Josh insists that HE'S TRYING!!!!! Ew, awk. 

Josh and Andi look annoyingly happy together, so I guess that's good for them. It's clear Andi needs to be the smarter person in the relationship, so she got what she wanted: a perfectly dumb former baseball player. Josh, how does it feel to be engaged to a NARP? Can't wait to watch their wedding. I'd put money on an over/under for number of ways baseball is incorporated into the theme. Best wishes, y'all.

Such a gracious winner.

The final tally of points is complete. Rob schooled League 1, followed distantly by Audrey and then Never Gonna Win Corinne. 

League 2 was much closer. Kelly maintained her lead over Katharine and came out on top by just 5 points. Team Shenna came in third. Woo! 

Well done to all players. You competed well, with very little sobriety or dignity. Just the way it should be.

It's been such a magical season! Thanks for participating in the League. Or just reading the blog (shout out to our fans, holla!) We're working on some major improvements during the off season and will keep you posted on our progress. In the meantime, any app developers out there, GET AT ME. 


Love and Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Andi Week Nine: BYOBC Fantasy Suites.

It's the moment Tom has been waiting for (according to Emily)...Fantasy Suites! Andi journals to pass the time in the Dominican Republic until her dates. I don’t journal. If I were the Bachelorette, would they force me to journal for b-roll purposes?

Andi reflects on the remaining bachelors...

Never in a million years. 

Josh M came out of the limo saying, "How YOU doin'??" How did we miss that? I definitely would've reconsidered drafting him. Maybe ABC was playing the happily-in-love soundtrack when he said it so we couldn't hear. Andi talks about feeling over-the-moon giddiness for Josh M. Newsflash: that’s called lust. Or sexual frustration. Tomato, tomato.

Andi says Josh is going to be a great father. A resounding "WHAT?!?!?" follows from the peanut gallery, so loud I bet Chris Harrison heard it from a lamer viewing party in LA. Conclusion: Andi is a jersey chaser.

Andi calls Chris sweet and funny, says he makes her laugh. This is basically the kiss of death for Chris because Andi is stupid.

Nick's recap, womp.

Nick gets the first date in the DR. They go on a helicopter ride over a strategically placed heart-shaped dark spot in the water. They kiss awkwardly with headphones. Then they spend the rest of the date on a private island. 

Practical Reason Numero Uno why I can never be on this show: I would get SO SUNBURNED. ABC would have to hire a special sunscreen intern for me which is the least sexy.

Andi eats on this date! She's eating CHIPS! In a bikini! Nick physically squirms around trying to say I love you. Andi cuts him off and suggests they go snorkeling. "I want to go snorkeling" is everyone's new Get Out of Awkward Free card.

During fake-dinner, Nick tells Andi that during his free time after hometowns, he did what any 33-year-old from the Midwest would do and wrote Andi a story. All the other 33-year-olds from the Midwest feel betrayed by this revelation. Nick's fairy tale for Andi was actually really cute and she loved it. Big drawback though: if Nick doesn’t win, he can’t do this book thing for his eventual wife. It’s a one and done move. 

Andi pulls out the "surprise" fantasy suite card. Nick rambles about how much he wants to go to the fantasy suite and how he's going to talk Andi's ear off. 

Andi: "So is that a really long way of saying yes?" Nick: "Yeah no I’m down."

On the way to the fantasy suite Nick rambles some more and finally blurts out I love you. Andi clings to his front pockets (this move works every time, amiright, ladies?) while Nick grabs her booty. This is for real, you guys. Nick sees her soul.

Josh M gets the next date, and Andi specifies that Santo Domingo is the capital of the DR so that everyone in America learns the capital of the DR.

Josh M gets drunk on mamajuana, which is the Dominican version of moonshine. It's pretty good, actually. They dance terribly in the town square with the band that ABC hired.

Andi takes Josh M to the Dominican Sandlot to play baseball. Again. OH MY GOD. Josh M seems surprised that Andi has realized that he likes baseball. He's like, "I'm so impressed that Andi paid attention to my one and only interest in life. Baseball is super important to me." HUGE SHOCKER, JOSH M. He speaks in Spanish to the kids and jersey chasers all over the world swoon as if he’s the first man to charm the pants off someone by speaking Spanish.

Josh M gets along really well with the Dominican kids. 1) Because he’s charming. 2) Because he is a child himself. They know he’s stupid/on their maturity level so they are cool with it.

Josh M talks about how NOT cocky he is. No one buys it, obviously, except Andi. He and Andi keep talking about some bullshit and he I CAN'T EVEN WRITE ABOUT THIS ANYMORE AHHHHH.

I’m gonna write some more.

Josh M says he and Andi can definitely work in the real world because they’ve gone through the wringer already. RIGHT. Going on magical dates in exotic locations on ABC’s dime. What about financial struggles, sickness, raising kids? THAT'S THE WRINGER, JOSH M. Eric the Explorer's death was your one chance at going through the wringer together but the producers made Andi do the Rose Ceremony instead. Can I kick Josh M off my team? I don't even want to be associated with him any more.

“I can def see you as my wife, fer sher.” #marriagematerial

Andi wonders, will her relationship with Josh M work without the glam of it all, aka in the fantasy suite? "Without the glam of it all," but with fireworks and in a suite filled with rose petals and champagne and candles by the pool? THIS IS THE TRUE TEST.

***In the middle of the episode, Corinne pulls out an issue of In Touch Magazine with Andi on the cover. According to this totally trustworthy media outlet, Andi is preggo. But who's the dad!? We obviously pause to discuss this breaking news. Looks like the fantasy suites went disastrously wrong. We also learn that the fantasy suite is BYO...BC. Duly noted.

Why is Andi first on this list?

Chris, the most legit contestant on the show ever, gets the last date. They ride horses. Andi wears booty shorts and sandals. What is this, amateur hour? Don't act surprised that you wore the wrong outfit, Andi, you planned this date. She curses like a sailor and starts to panic, which is the last thing you should do because horses can smell fear like babies around Julie. Chris eases her fear by telling her she looks good.

They play ghosts in the graveyard again and it’s adorable. They don’t roll in the hay but they should have. Not enough touching here. This is not going well. Later, Chris asks Andi where her gut is. She says she’s not really feeling it. She cries hysterically about not feeling it. Chris talks her through it but realizes it's over. Jenna observes, “He’s so great! Look at him communicating! It takes a true man to sit there and actually have a legit conversation about this.” Preach.

#foreveralone. I'll go to Iowa, happily.

In an unceremonious elimination (points!), Andi sends Chris home in the most mature breakup on the show ever. For Chris at least. He says, "I want your feelings to be for me. If they're not for me, I want to go home." HE'S SO NORMAL! He once again shows that he is a real man and deals with the situation like a grownup. Chris leaves sans drama and even sans tears, while Andi loses her shit and is an inane crybaby. 

Time for the weekly therapy session with Chris Harrison! Andi reminds us that The Process is 100% a two-way street. "The guys still have to accept the rose,” which is silly. These roses are default roses.

Josh is so sweaty and he’s wearing vans. Why aren't you wearing an undershirt? Isn't that the purpose of undershirts? To absorb the sweat before it shows through your actual shirt? Chris Harrison goes back to the car area to "fetch Chris" and then comes back empty-handed! Fake out! Chris is gone with no explanation. The dudes mentally punch the air in victory because they've made it to the end. Congratulations.

Julie is out! Chris was her last remaining Hot Thot, so she wins wine. Tom is also donezo. Points are up, standings haven't changed much thanks to Rob and Kelly. Next week is the Men Tell All episode! No points and probably no recap. Sorry to disappoint, I understand that this is the highlight of many people's Tuesdays. We'll be back in two weeks for the finale to see who Andi decides to spend the rest of her life the next few months with.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Andi Week Eight: Welp.

These were the most uneventful hometown dates in the history of The Bachelor. Seriously. Where is the drama, ABC?? That's where all the points happen. Most of the points this season have been won because of man tears or verbal altercations defending Andi's honor. Which means these bros sometimes are actual good guys who have legitimate feelings. Like, why can't someone just have a crazy ex show up? Or be shamelessly promoting their business? Or have a double life with another family somewhere? Ugh. 

Nick V

First Andi goes to Milwaukee, for her date with Nick V. We really get to see Milwaukee in all its shining glory. Andi gets a cheese head and the river is brown. They go to a brewery which is something Andi has never done before…? They get a little tipsy-tips and do "The Wisconsin Dance." If there's one thing I know, it's that people from Wisconsin LOVE Wisconsin. This dance is SO Wisconsin. Andi and Nick V just jump around like crazy people. I like seeing Nick V like this in his natural habitat because he's so different. He's just a weird, regular ole Midwestern boy doing Midwestern things. It's cute. 

Oh hello there.

Nick has appx one million family members and ominous music plays as Andi meets them all. Nick V doesn't say I Love You to Andi, despite screams of encouragement from our living room. 

Chris

Over in Iowa, Chris looks WAY better in his farmer clothes than he does in scarves. While Andi is en route to Chris's house, Corinne wonders, “Is being a farmer code for 'still living at home with parents?'” We learn that it's quite the opposite. Chris owns his own beautiful home and is apparently super rich, according to his sisters. Chris is too modest to tell us himself. PEOPLE FROM IOWA ARE THE BEST, RIGHT, MOM?

Chris is a grown ass MAN driving his tractor. Andi sits on his lap to drive the tractor/ruin the crops. Did they choose the field that was in off season for this scene? Is off season a thing in farming? While on Chris' lap, Andi muses that “everything is massive about him,” which pretty much tells everything we wanted to know about Chris. Wink wink.

Andi tells Chris that he doesn't look like a farmer and Chris says, "thank you," throwing potentially hot farmers everywhere under the bus. Chris gets a little plane to fly by with a banner that says Chris Loves Andi. They play Ghosts in the Graveyard with the whole fam and Chris wins hometowns. 

Staaaahhhhppppp.

Josh M

To Tampa we go! Josh M all season: “Please don’t stereotype me as just a (former) baseball player!!! But I’m only going to ever talk to you about baseball and on our hometown date we’re gonna play baseball. K?"

They play baseball. Andi breaks the bat. HULK SMASH. Josh M gets to second base through his baseball glove.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF THE GREAT BAMBINO JOSH M talk about something else. Like, seriously, I dare you. Talk about your current job, religion, politics, family, ANYTHING.

Josh’s family dinner date is the Aaron Murray show. Apparently we are supposed to know who this person is? I learned that he's an NFL player. Not a very good one though, heh. Guess mediocrity runs in the family. The Murray family can't accept that though and their lives revolve around Sunday football. Kill me. Andi sees this too and is not necessarily thrilled about it.

No picture for you, Josh M. 

Marcus

Marcus does his strip tease again. Alone, in a sketchy bar on a plastic bench. Nothing else to do in Dallas? Come on, Marcus. I expected better from you. We meet Marcus' questionably abusive mother and everyone has red eyes.

Marcus' sisters informs us that Marcus is a quick finisher. We knew this already because he's on Corinne's team. Andi admits that she’s not as in love with him as he is with her. Def worst hometown date, not just because of the strip tease.

Lol @ opera singer in background.

Marcus goes home, after a dramatic scene where they all learn about Explorer Eric's death. Really sad, nothing snarky to write here.

BONUS! To make up for the lack to wit in this episode and the subsequent note taking, I instead decided to fill out the application to be on the show. My wine bottle and I did this last night. There's a casting here in Chicago next week so we thought it would be funny. Seriously though, if anyone submits this without my permission, I will find you. And I will. end. you. (please use only my 5-15 most beautiful Instagram pictures.)

Here goes.

THE BACHELOR / BACHELORETTE GIRL QUESTIONNAIRE

Name: Elizabeth Anne Walsh
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from? Eliz. It comes from my name being too long for lazy people to write the whole thing out.
Address (Street, City, State, Zip Code) Are you stalking me?
What is the next big city near you and how far is it: Chicago. I'm in it.
Cell #: The people who need it already have it.
Work #: Ever heard of personal space, ABC?
Home #: LOL landlines.
Email: Please don't spam me.
Height: 5' 7"
Birth Date: 9/23/1989
Hair Color: Red. Is this going to be a problem? I've noticed a serious lack of redheads on this show in…all seasons. DISCRIMINATION!
Eye Color: Green, with occasional red/gold streaks, depending on the light
Weight: 1 pound. And I do solemnly swear to never take a bite of food while on the show.
Do you have a valid U.S. passport? Yes.
How did you hear about our search? From years of watching this show in disbelief of its candidates' stupidity. Then from 3 seasons of making a game out of them.
Have you ever applied for the show before? If so, when? The fact that this is even a question makes me laugh with sadness. How many repeat applicants does this show get? Or, better question, for the people who make it on the show, how many times have they applied?
Are you currently: ___Working Full Time ___Working Part Time ___Unemployed ____Student Working full time, like any self respecting human being (unless you're pursuing higher education. Mad props)

Occupation: Boozy Baker // Publicist
Annual salary: Dolla dolla bills, y'all
What is your highest level of education? Bachelors degree
Degree(s): BBA
School(s) Attended: University of Notre Dame
Are you a legal resident of the United States? Yes
If not, where are you a legal resident? n/a
Where were you born? Indianapolis, IN
Where did you grow up? DA SOUF. Memphis, TN to be specific
Do you have siblings? Yes How old are they? 23 and 20
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type? Girl, please.
If so, please give details and dates: n/a
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against someone or had one issued against you? These questions are laughable. No.
If so, please give details and dates: n/a
Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11? No.
If yes, please explain. n/a
Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film? No? Who are these people?!?!
If yes, please explain and give dates: n/a
Do you drink alcoholic beverages? Yes. Isn't that a requirement on this show?
What’s your favorite drink? All of them
Have you ever been married or engaged? No
If yes, how many times? Please list wedding date(s). n/a
If you have been married, why are you no longer together? n/a
List the date when such marriage(s) were legally dissolved: n/a
Do you have any children? None that I know of.
If yes, please list their names and ages and whether they live with you or not. I SAID I DON'T KNOW.
Are you genuinely looking to get married & why? Not to anyone on this show, but eventually, yes. BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. Just kidding. I always wonder about people who say things like that, because I hear it and just think about how much I hate everyone.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show? I don't. I think it's probably a good way to learn about yourself and force yourself to be vulnerable and express some feelings. Also you get to travel.

Side note: This questionnaire gives you the same amount of lines for every question. Just throwing that out there. I find that a little weird. Why don't they put more emphasis on the important questions? Do these questions really give that much insight to how contestants will fare in The Process?

Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction.
- Physical: Can carry me out of a burning building. Not hideous.
- Personality: Similar beliefs. Assertive, knows what he wants, goes after it. Easy conversation, good banter, lots of laughs. Confident. Family oriented (that one's for you, Julie).
How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they? Just going to briefly skim the surface here…and go straight to a few of the more recent perps…
What happened to end those relationships?
- Guy #1. Found out he was married.
- Guy #2. He invited me to meet him at a bar where i then found him making out with another girl.
- Guy #3. He asked me to me his girlfriend and then vanished a week later. He may have died, I'll never know.
What are your hobbies and interests? Organizing the bachelorfantasy league. Making a mockery of other people's love lives. Baking with booze! Throwing bangin parties!
Do you have any pets? Do pet peeves count? If not, then no :(
Do you have any special talents? Tell us! Baking with booze! Throwing bangin parties! I can wiggle my ears!
Do you speak any languages besides English? Spanish.
List 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you: I don't like this question.
Do you have any tattoos? No no no.
If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
What accomplishment are you most proud of? Starting my own small business, which I will shamelessly promote on the show.
What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship? I wonder how people on the show answer this. I'll go with My <3 "Prince Charming" <3 :)

And that's it. That's the application to be on The Bachelor. You also have to submit photos--full body and closeups of your face.

I was curious how the girl questionnaire differed from the guy questionnaire. So I checked it out. The guy questionnaire has two extra questions:
1. Do you think you are ready for marriage? They only ask the guys this because all girls are born ready for marriage, obviously.
2. Why do girls think you are an eligible bachelor? DYING to know what dudes put here. I'm family oriented. I'm the total package. I'm ready to settle down.^I bet you Josh M totally mentioned his brother in this answer.

Anyway, I think this ended up being longer than a regular blog recap. But it was too funny not to do. Points are up, check 'em out. Next week is FANTASY SUITES!

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth & Julie
League Commissioners

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Andi Week Seven: Muscles in Brussels

Welcome back, batches.
This week's episode did not disappoint. There were tears, verbal altercations, cringe-worthy "romance" moments, and many glasses of wine (from the contestants and from our living room viewing party). This episode is super important since next week is hometowns.

We meet up with the gang in Brussels, Belgium. Since we last saw them, the boys have taught Farmer Chris to wear a scarf. The rest of them wear hoodies, causing Elizabeth to let out quite the exasperated sigh.

Marcus gets the first one-on-one, so he and Andi wander aimlessly around Brussels for a few hours prior to the standard dinner. It's a good thing they snacked all day, because we all know how these people don't actually eat the delicious looking food on their dinner dates. No complaints here though, no dinner + plenty of wine = many tears. Anyway, recall how Marcus was the first to play the "I'm falling for you" card? Well he won't stop saying it this whole date. He only pauses his romantic mush to tell Andi and all of America about his dramatic, borderline-abusive mommy and daddy issues. Can't wait to meet your family, Marcus! Yikes.

After the date, Nick V makes a bold, stalker-esque move and sneaks up to Andi's hotel room by exploiting Belgium's trust. I sure hope any hotel I stay at doesn't just give out room keys to the first guy claiming to be my husband, but I digress. Andi is all about the late night meetup. The two (+ camera crew and production team) mosey outside, make out a little, and snuggle. Unfortunately, no 4am "swimming" this season. Andi is following our favorite dating philosophy: when in doubt, keep it in your pants.

The second one-on-one date goes to Jockstrap Josh M. They wander around some other town that hosts daily duck parades. Josh M continues to talk in circles all day and be super vague about his thoughts and "feelings" (those quotation marks are quite intentional). He continues to tell her to trust him, which we've all learned means DON'T TRUST HIM. He actually says the words, "I promise, I'm not too good to be true." WHICH OBVIOUSLY MEANS HE'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. He finally tells Andi he's falling for her, so she lets the sketchiness slide and they snog some more. They have a generic private concert with a generic romantic pop song.

The group date includes Nick V, Farmer Chris, Coach Brian, and Downer Dylan. They go to a monastery that doesn't allow kissing on its premises, which means the producers were getting worried about having enough conversation footage to make the relationships look legit. She gets some time with each of the guys, but her conversation with Dylan is so boring that the producers don’t show us even one minute of it. They show the other three having a side broconvo instead of Andi's chat with Dylan. Why is he still there?

This is why Dylan isn't a front runner. Slicked back ponytail and light wash jeans. Come on man, step up your game. 

Andi chooses Nick V to spend a few more hours with, sending the other guys to go home, get wine drunk, and stew on their hatred for Nick. When he gets back, the boys all get in a little (staged) tussle. The producers sit them all down together, wipe off their merlot mouth and then say, "OKAY, FIGHT!" Nick, Brian, and Chris all earn verbal altercation points.

The rose ceremony concludes with Brian and Dylan being sent packing. Both shed some man tears, aka liquid points.

Rob leads Pool 1 while Never Gonna Win Corinne trails by 25 points. Several other teams still have 2 men, so don't start counting your roses yet.

Kelly leads Pool 2 followed closely by Katharine. Tom is no longer in last place (congrats!) and is now a whole 8 points ahead of Brad.

Check out the Standings and Rosters. All are welcome over for next week's Hometowns watch. We may even have the air conditioning on by then!

Love and Roses,
Julie and Elizabeth
League Commissioners

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Andi Week Six: Word Vomit

We're down to single digits of man-children! Andi is whittling down her selection of potential husbands and we're off to Italia. The bros sail into Venice fist-pumping and cheering like champs. Andi talks about her high hopes for this week, especially after last week when her "head was spinning." Maybe you should cut back on the drinking a little bit, eh, Andi?

Speaking of Andi and drinking (wait a minute, that's the entire season), we're starting a new game during these episodes. Drink every time Andi makes The Face. You know The Face. We all practiced extensively throughout the episode. None of us quite mastered it. She can really frown like it's her job. Actually, it probably is a big part of her job, I mean imagine her rolling up to bust up a gang with a huge smile on her face like "y'all, STAHHPPPPP." She knows what she's doing.

It's date time right away! Eek! There is SO MUCH build up to Cody wanting this date, it's so obvious he's getting the shaft right now. She picks Nick V. Poor Cody. He's like the pet dog of the house. Everyone's just like YEAH CODY YOU'RE SO AWESOME and they pat him on the head. He smiles and wags his tail. But for real he's bummed about not getting the date...again. Josh M can relate: "I mean, I completely understand his frustration. He’s out here [on these streets] in Venice without a one-on-one." Yeah, ROUGH LIFE MAN shut up Josh M. I added the streets part there because Josh M was totally thinking it.

I love that Nick V still has the V even though the other Nick was eliminated the first night.

Andi keeps talking about how she has questions for Nick V because he was so salty on their last date and because Cody told her Nick was a mean jerk to him. But somehow she manages to go the entire day without really asking any questions. Finally, at dinner, she asks him point blank, “Do you think you’re a front runner?” Nick V answered the question perfectly and Andi is in love with him again. But okay seriously. For the amount of time, effort, money and people ABC has expended to convince America that this show is NOT A COMPETITION, using words like "front runner" definitely makes it a competition. Where's the consistency here? Ugh. Anyway, Nick V makes a relationship analogy about the Venetian masks they're wearing and earns some points. They do not touch one bite of their food which is stupid because ITALY. I mean hello. If there's any place to make an exception and eat carbs, it's Italy. Has Andi never seen the Lizzie McGuire movie?

The group date goes to Josh M, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, Pantsapreneur and Chris, meaning...CODY GETS THE ONE ON ONE! The group activity is a lie detector test because ABC didn't want to pay for two dates in Venice. Also because she doesn’t trust Josh M. Woo! So instead of exploring the beautiful city they're stuck in a dark castle with suits of armor and creepy guys with accents. Andi talks about how relationships are built on honesty and trust and all their faces are fraught with panic. It’s hilarious. Pants: "I never lie. Well not never, okay, that’s a lie." Josh wonders how correct the machines are and spends the rest of the date (and, in fact, the entire episode) ranting about this BS of a test. Like, WHY doesn't Andi trust me? She said she trusted me. We trust each other. Doesn't she know I'm a trustworthy former athlete? Waaayyyyy too much objection, Josh M. Whatcha hidin', bro? Methinks thou doth protest too much. 

Here's what we learn about the guys from this nightmare of a date activity:

• Pantsapreneur is good in bed, without hesitation. The question on everyone's mind: does he keep his special pants on?
• Dylan has slept with 20+ women and doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. 
• Chris is the secret admirer! That’s his BIG SECRET.
• Brian is here for the right reasons. Big pat on the back, buddy.
• They have all farted in public.

Dylan is really upset by the test and fakes sick to goes back to the hotel. At this point we're all convinced he's donezo.

At the after party, Brian finally steps up his game and makes the shot on the first try! He whisks Andi away for another lie detector test and is all kinds of adorable. Marcus reveals that he has never been in this kind of situation before? Really, Marcus? You’ve never dated the same girl as 20 other guys simultaneously? I'm shocked. Marcus also tells Andi he's in love with her. A liiiiittle quick to the finish there, if you ask me.

Josh M continues to dig his own grave with this whole lie detector test. Chris reveals his BIG SECRET that he’s the admirer. He’s cute and gets the rose. Also, there's a verbal altercation between Pantsapreneur and Chris! The bros all are congratulating Chris on his rose but Pants just isn't feeling very gracious tonight. Pants doesn’t like faking the bromance anymore. It's getting real. The Process is working for him. Chris tells him, "fine, just go be blankety-blank sour grapes by yourself then," which is the most farmer-y thing he could have possibly said. 

Cody's moment finally arrives! He and Andi head to Verona to read letters people have written to Juliet. Cody can read! Julie is surprised. Cody is so grateful for his date he cannot stop talking about it. He welled up with betch tears (perhaps appropriate due to the roids), but none were shed, so no points. We are majorly distracted by the fact that Cody’s deep V is deeper than Andi’s deep V. So much man cleavage. Wait, Cody is surprisingly eloquent. There’s a brain under all that muscle! At dinner Cody starts word vomiting again about how much he likes Andi and wants her to meet his fam and OMG it's so sad because because she's doing The Face. It's over. Bye, Cody.

At the rose ceremony, the guys are FURIOUS because Nick V scoops up Andi first and he already has a rose. They need to man the F up, though. All’s fair in love and war, and The Bachelorette is both. Josh continues to freak out about the lie detector, we still don’t trust him, obviously.

Andi holds the roses as if she’s about to bowl them to the guys.

DYLAN GOT THE FIRST ROSE... WHAT? He needs to go. On the first night he literally couldn't even be near her because he said she freaked him out. Then we learned his sob story on that awkward train date. Then in Venice he bombed the lie detector test and bailed on the rest of the date to pout. What is he still doing here?? Three strikes, you're out. You've been hanging out with Josh M for six weeks, you should know that by now.

Pantsapreneur goes home! We are all so sad. He didn't even cry, and he wore a seatbelt on the ride home. Weird.

Points are up. Rob is still leading Pool 1, and Kelly's Kuckolds are on top of Pool 2. Shockingly, all teams still have men left, so no one has won the wine. If someone doesn't lose soon, we may end up drinking it.

See y'all in Brussels!

Love and roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners

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Draft Night: Andi's Season

Welcome back, Bach-es.
It's our favorite time of the year, Bachelorette season! Don't get me wrong, the Bachelor is all well and good, but for some reason man-tears and excessive male ego crushing just makes my Mondays 10x better.

Regardless of your show preference, we can all get behind the wonderful return of the League. This season we have a whopping 14 league participants, including three males. More participants = more money and more brie, so check out this season's point categories, stock up on wine, and set your Monday night DVR.

Due to the high demand, we have broken up the league into two league pools. Each pool is made up of 7 teams of 10. First place in each pool wins $50, second place wins $25, third place wins $15, and each pool's loser get a cheap-o bottle of wine (we're talking two-buck-chuck, because that is all a loser deserves).

Now, on to the important stuff...
After last season's snoozefest/douchbaggery, we were all craving some classic Bachelorette ridiculousness, and ABC did not disappoint. While I'm still under the impression that Andi is way too smart to be fooled into drinking the Bachelorette kool-aid, she sure did a good job of convincing the audience that she is 100% in this "for love." You do you, girl.

The men this season are a nice mix of juiceheads, salesmen, and wedding planners. We saw plenty of gimmicky entrances, including Macklemore/SeanLowe pushing a limo up the driveway. Mullet dude brought a floor lamp with him because nothing says "I like you" like stolen goods. Some soccer player actually had the guts to bring up 'ole JP in casual conversation (bold move, bro).

After introductions and a few rounds of one-on-ones, ABC had a surprise for us. A mysterious man was at the front gate carrying roses and a heart full of love for Andi. Lo and behold, our mystery suitor was Chris P. from Emily's season and Bachelor Pad! Merry Christmas, viewers.  Turns out that since Bachelor Pad, our buddy Chris has become pathetic and lost all the producers' phone numbers. Apparently he had been in LA for 10 days just waiting to crash Andi's first night and vie for Andi's affection. Andi rejects him and Chris Harrison, feeling useful again, has to let Chris P. down easy.

The whole Chris P. sitch took some time away from the actual suitors, so unfortunately, we only got about 2 seconds of opera singing out of Michigan man.  Points-wise, this episode lacked in excitement.


Point Earning Highlights

Nick V. got the first impression rose earning him 5pts
Our two minorities both live to see another episode, earning 5pts each
She kept the wedding planner and tossed the helicopter pilot, like a chump

Team totals can be viewed here. Kelly's currently unnamed team is the only team still 10 for 10!  Good luck, competitors. This season is shaping up to be a tough one.



Love and Roses,

Julie and Elizabeth
League Commissioners

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