JoJo's Season: The Bros Before the Rose

HEY GUYS.

Eliz here, comin at ya this week from my happy place: drinking tinto on the porch while blogging about the Bachelorette. For our fans out there who don't actually know me (AND I KNOW YOU EXIST), I promise I'm cool.

It feels like it has been for.ev.er. since Ben's season ended, doesn't it? It was a long, cold winter without y'all. We're almost back and I could not be more jazzed about it.

Let's take a moment... and praise Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison that the Bachelorette is not Caila. I would be in a sad sad state if I had to watch her manic robot performances for an entire season. I was Team JoJo from the get go. Plus, from the few short previews I've seen, JoJo's season promises us a wiiild ride on that ERC (Emotional Roller Coaster for you NARPs), which is nothing short of thrilling.

The cast of characters list of suitors was finally released last week, much to my delight, so I'm here to break it down and give you my completely biased opinions about JoJo's future husband. I'm no fan of dilly dallying, so let's jump right in.

First glance. Just opened the page and saw one man in a Santa suit and one man in a kilt. Don't know who they are but gonna go ahead and nix those two before we even start.

Second glance. These guys are all so...pretty. Except for a select few. I'm not sure if that's good or bad for them. Hopefully for JoJo's sake (and ours) they are less pretty in person because honestly I'm not tryna date someone who has better eyebrows than I do. Also this yearbook-style blue background kills me every year. You rock, never change. XOXO, Eliz

Third, before we really dig deep, here are the men who qualify for minority points in the fantasy league: Christian, Grant, Jake, Jonathan. THIS IS THE FINAL DECISION. YOU WILL BE REFERRED HERE IF YOU DISPUTE MINORITY POINTS AT ANY TIME DURING THE SEASON.

Shit, y'all, the website crashed. ABC.go.com has failed me. Does Chris Harrison even realize how long my breath has been bated for this moment? How can you do me like this, C?!

False alarm. Wifi went out for a hot sec. Phew.

For real this time. Here's what we're working with this year. Let's take a look-see.

My Bachelorette MO tbh.

Alex, 25, US Marine
Very short in comparison with the rest of the guys, but everything else about him seems super promising. He saved someone from a burning car once. May prove to be too mature for this show.

Ali, 27, Bartender
Afraid of "bugs, cockroaches and bees" (am I the only one who groups those things together as one category and not three?), loves it when his date "dresses sexy" (eye roll). Will Ali have Persian heritage in common with JoJo, an assumption based solely on his name and his face? Maybe. Is that racial profiling? Definitely.

Brandon, 28, Hipster
Self-diagnosed hopeless romantic, idealistic, needs a haircut.

Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent
Is this the OC (Original Chad)? Could ignite some Chad-PTSD for JoJo. In his bio, he answered three different questions with "myself in 10 years." Those questions were: "Who do you admire most in the world?" "If you could be someone else for just one day, who would you be?" and "If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be?" Kill me now. His one redeeming quality (former Marine) is completely negated by his greatest achievement to date, which he listed as "being born good looking." Get over yourself, Chad. Your name is Chad.

Chase, 27, Medical Sales Rep
I've read his profile like 4 times and haven't retained anything.

Christian, 26, Telecom Consultant
Victim of ex-girlfriend pet theft. But it was a Chihuahua so I don't feel bad.

Coley, 27, Real Estate Consultant
Hair is indistinguishable between manbun and greased back mullet. Ew. But he is anti-phone-during-dates so he gets points for that.

Derek, 29, Commercial Banker
Okay Derek is someone I could get under  on top of  on board with. Good writer, good eyebrows, good number of inches...taller than me. Questionable cucumber phobia but I'm sure that's easily explained. We all have our quirks.

Daniel, 31, Male Model
Daniel refers to his body as a "Lambo" not once, but TWICE in his bio. His OWN body. Not even JoJo's body, which arguably would be better, depending on who you ask. I'm sorry, Daniel. Gtfo. That kind of cockiness would make me run for the hills. JoJo, be careful.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Expert
WHERE DO I EVEN START. There's so much meat here. Or is it not enough meat? Ha. Penis jokes. How does one become an erectile disfunction expert? From experience? Is this a medical profession? I have so many questions and nothing else about him matters anymore. OH except I just read that one of his deal breakers is "girls with chipped nail polish." Sorry, Evan, you aren't hot enough to have requirements that outrageous. Baiiiiiii.

Grant, 27, Firefighter
Poor man's Derek Morgan. Doesn't like when girls talk about Harry Potter for more than 20 minutes on a date. Rude, but he'll be nice to look at.

Hey, baby girl.

Jake, 26, Landscape Architect
Overly confident about his future with JoJo. His answers are all very cocky, yet he lists humility as his best attribute. Suspicious.

James F, 34, Boxing Club Owner
In addition to throwing a mean left hook (just like me), James F seems like a totally reasonable and normal person! He won't last more than two episodes. His shirt isn't tight enough.

James S, 27, Bachelor Superfan
Not even clicking on the full bio based on his "profession."

James Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter
I've had a lot of tinto and I'm not absorbing anything from this guy's bio. His face is weird and he might be the Brady of this season. Saw the word daddy and x-ed out immediately. Noooope. Also he's named James Taylor.

Jonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep
Has a tattoo of his grandmother. Dislikes all vegetables. Swipe left.

Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback
NO. NOT AGAIN. This show and its former professional athletes. Ughhhhhghhhghgh. Please prove me wrong, Jordan. Please. I'm having flashbacks of Josh M.

Luke, 31, War Veteran
Remarkably unremarkable.

Nick B, 33, Electrical Engineer
He's got an automatic leg up with his last initial B. The three most recent winners of the show all had B last names too (Lauren B, Shawn B, Whitney B). Other than that Nick B seems pretty decent. Plus he plays rugby. Hoping for some Gratuitous Nakedness Points with this one. #DemThighsDoe

Nick S, 26, Software Salesman
Goodness gracious, another Nick who sells software? We've been here before; I recognize that tree. I just took a closer look at Nick S's picture and was alarmed by what appears to be a rolled up bandana necklace. Wild West meets tech nerd? Who let him keep that thing on for his photo? I appreciate that his bio answers made me giggle (dreams of running a tomato farm one day, dislikes "scary cheeses") but I don't know if I can get past his fashion choices.

Peter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager
Needs to hurry up and choose between clean shaven or full beard. The in-between stage is really not working for him. Ain't gon be meeting Peter at the perk if he looks like that.

Robby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer
Former Competitive Swimmer? Seriously, Robby? I ALSO AM A FORMER COMPETITIVE SWIMMER but you don't see me listing that on job applications or my Bumble profile. Might as well add all your other high school and middle school accolades while you're at it. Former Spanish Club President, Former Key Club Treasurer, Former Spelling Bee Champion...

Sal, 28, Operations Manager
I can't think about anything except that children's book called Blueberries for Sal. All I want to do now is go back to Nesbit, Mississippi and pick blueberries. Country roads, take me home...

Vinny, 28, Barber
Don't think Vinny will be a strong contender.

Wells, 31, Radio DJ
Not your typical face for radio. I'm okay with it. His ideal date is also my ideal date, so there's that. "Really good tacos, a great live band, a walk around the city, and wine and cheese on my front porch as Otis Redding plays on my turn table." *sWoOn* Okay, Wells, I'm impressed. If things don't work out between you and JoJo, I'll be seeing you in Nashville v soon.

Will, 26, Civil Engineer
Shave the soul patch, please. Then we can reevaluate.

FINALLY DONE. Man, that was exhausting. If you've made it this far, you're welcome for doing your research for you.

Okay! Now that that's out of the way, super excited for this season to get rolling. There's still time to get a pool together for the league and sign up online. Up there at the top there's a section called Register Your Pool. That's where you register your pool. If you aren't smart enough to figure out the form, you aren't smart enough to be in the league and that's that.

Let the drama begin.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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Ben H Week One: Gettin' Higgy Wit It

Welcome back, Baches!

It feels like years since the last time we were graced with the wise words of Chris Harrison, our Lord and Savior. He's back in all of his therapeutic glory and we couldn't be happier.

My winter just got 28 degrees warmer.

The Roses to Riches Fantasy League has grown exponentially since the amateur days of Desiree's season. We're up to over 70 players in 6+ states! We have satellite conferences in Nashville, Lexington, and New York City. Yours truly is playing in the Remote Conference (aka Hoes in Different Area Codes) with competition from all over the country. The Chicago Conference is up to 5 pools of players and even conducted their draft at a sponsor bar. Congrats, folks. We've hit the big time. If we get any bigger, we might have to institute a bowl playoff system with a totally biased selection committee.

Let's get down to business, shall we? Judging by the season previews, we are in for a classically dramatic season. Night one was no disappointment. Ben H's season is full of just enough weirdos to keep our game fun. Personal favorites from draft night include the crazy chicken lady, drunk girl already stirring up trouble, and Lil' Sebastian's hillbilly friend.

RIP lil' buddy. You will always be missed.

Can we halt for a moment and talk about how Ben H is 26 and from almost the same hometown as me? He might as well be all the losers I wanted to date in high school. I don't even pay my own cell phone bill yet and this kid is talking about marriage. How could a town an hour away produce Ben H but my hometown only produced meth-addicts and Best Buy employees? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

All angsty thoughts aside, Ben H is quite good at playing the Bachelor game. He and Christ Chris Harrison are already best bros, and as we learned from 'ole Juan Pablo, that is the key to success and positive PR.

Straight out of the limo some ladies make swift advances. Lace says "hi" with an awkward kiss (does not count for points.) Leah uses a football ruse as an excuse to hike up her dress and show off the goods. JoJo terrifies us all with a unicorn mask. Lauren R confessed her social media stalking skills. The twins say and do the exact same things all night, raising suspicions of cloning and/or robot parts.

Props go out to my girl Izzy for wearing a comfy pajama onesie to such an uncomfortable formal event. You da real MVP.

Becca and Amber, the two girls from prior seasons, show up fashionably late with smug got-this-in-the-bag expressions. Naturally, the other girls already hate them.

Speaking of hate, Lace has a fewww too many glasses of pinot and has already brought our her crazy and her claws. Instead of hiding her inner-lunatic for just one night like the rest of the contestants, she decides to start shit talking and asking Ben for more attention. Not the smoothest of moves. Lace turns out to be quite the point-cow, however, thanks to her knack for insulting others and stealing Ben during one-on-one times.

Lace is the type to burn all of your stuff because your phone died.

The first impression rose, and 10 beautiful points, goes to Olivia. She's was an obvious front-runner from her introduction, but the first impression rose, aka kiss of death, almost certainly means she doesn't win. I hope she has a contingency plan, because she quit her new anchor gig to embarrass herself on television.

Thank goodness ABC followed protocol this season and gave us a rose ceremony on the first night. They tried to get all tricky last season which just flared up my stress ulcer. The rose ceremony happens at what appears to be 6am. The gals are all nervous and Lace is having trouble standing up straight. Some surprising keeps, other than Miss Inebriation, are the mother of two and the girl who never spoke English.

Our eliminated one-night-wonders are:
Breanne (the gluten hater)
Tiara (crazy chicken lady)
Maegan (can we keep Lil' Sebastian?)
Izzy (onesie hero)
Laura (intelligent redhead - who saw that coming? Sorry, Eliz)
Jessica (I don't remember anything distinct about her)

Too bad, so sad ladies.

League members, check your points and rosters on your conference page. For the sake of efficiency, Lexington is listed as part of the Nashville Conference. Don't forget to send us your team name and Tweet your watch party photos to @RosestoRiches. The league is much more fun when trash talking is involved, so pool texts/emails are highly encouraged. Feel free to also leave those thoughts and feelings in the comment section of this post.

May the roses be ever in your favor.

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

Special thanks this week goes out to Conor at Gaslight Pub in Chicago. We appreciate your patience, accommodating spirit, and sense of humor. We'll be back with bells on, if you'll have us! We may even bring you a rose.

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