Ben H Week Seven: What Came from Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas

Hello, Bachelor nation! Guest columnist Rob here blogging from the mean streets of Chicago. If you've never had the pleasure of watching an episode of The Bachelor with the league at The Nest, it's quite an experience. Wine is in abundance. Earplugs are necessary.

As the solitary straight man in attendance this past week, I feel it is my duty to give my take on this week's episode with an honest eye. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins in Warsaw, IN. Like most places in Indiana, the settlers of the town were lazy and just decided to name it after some other place in the world. Also, fun fact: I once puked in Warsaw, IN but that's a story for another post on another blog.

It's Meet-Ben's-Parents week (for one of the girls at least, more on that later) and we see Ben greet them in the local greasy spoon. They seem like wholesome, God-fearing Americans so all seems right with the world. Ben goes through a rundown of all the girls left and Ben's mom is like, "wait, what? one of them has two kids? I ain't ready to be an insta-gram."

The women check in to the nicest Air BnB within a fifty mile radius and for some reason tell us they love Warsaw, IN. This is perhaps the most confusing part of the episode.

Pawnee = Warsaw.

Ben greets the ladies and then asks out Lauren for a coveted one-on-one in front of everyone. This is taken as an affront to the rest of the women and tears are had.

I hear a wine bottle pop next to me and we are well underway here at The Nest.

BYOWine is how we roll.

Ben gives Lauren the world-renowned tour of Warsaw and they hit all the must-see stops. The old movie theater where he had his first kiss. His high school. And finally the Baker Youth Club.

Alright, let's cut the snark. This date was awesome. Lauren and Ben really hit it off and seemed to have a genuine connection. If I was a gambling man (wait, I am), I'd put all my money on Lauren winning. Also, how great is Ben with kids?! He sat down with a kid who was crying and comforted him. HE'S A SAINT. And Lauren was ~loving it~. I'm fairly confident she was ready to jump him right there and procreate on the spot.

Then some wizard of a child sinks a half court shot like he's Steph Curry and Ben has to kiss Lauren in front of all the children of the corn. Adorable.

Ronnie, all day err day.

Ben and Lauren then pretended to have dinner and chatted about how THAT BITCH (can I say that here?) tried to steamroll over their connection last week. Praise God everything seems back on track for them to have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

Back at the AirBnB, a letter arrives and Jojo is the lucky lady who snags a one-on-one. Seriously, Jojo. Go by anything but Jojo. You're not a backup dancer for Prince. I digress... It's off to Chicago we go! Hey, I live there!

Jojo and Ben straddle each other on Clark Street and then go to Wrigley Field for a dream date complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. I don't know about you but I would find that creepy. The audience at The Nest did not think so, commenting: 

"He looks good in a Cubs jersey...or anything."

"Or nothing."

But it gets better! After frolicking on the field and being master batters, Ben treats Jojo, who I reiterate is not a backup dancer for Prince, to faux dinner on the field. This elicited the following reaction from the crowd at home:

"Are you freaking kidding me?" (that's jealousy, for all you non-Chicagoans/Cubs fans)

Jojo explains to Ben that she's scared by how much she cares about him. Note to everyone ever: if someone says this to you, RUN.

Cut to Warsaw and the rest of the women are giving Lauren the resting bitch face because she's still glowing from her date with Ben. A card is delivered and ...wait for it... it's a group date! Caila, Amanda, and Becca are chosen which means that Emily, who's "pretty but just has a weird face," gets a one-on-one. Emily and her oxymoron of a face proceed to cry ugly tears of joy.

We then see Caila, Amanda, and Becca standing on a dock and Ben pulling up in a boat on a small lake that sometimes catches fire because it's in freaking Warsaw, IN. The four of them get into row boats two by two and proceed to spin in circles because the complexities of rowing a boat are beyond all of them. This is by far the worst group date ever and I swear, Caila and Amanda are automatons. I don't see why they're still here. Caila's time with Ben is always excruciating to watch and the fact that he *thinks* there's a connection there makes me think Caila's meandering and confusing non-answers to his questions have put a spell on him. Seriously. “I picture myself as moss, and I’ve always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with.” Good talk.

Becca, who is a smokeshow, lays it all on the line and tells Ben not to blindside her. This interaction in the middle of a fallow Indiana corn field brought forth the following line from the peanut gallery: 

"They're either gonna break up or have sex right now."

Probably not the latter, because, Becca.

Amanda inhales three balloons of helium and then pretends that she can show emotions through her Botox injected face. People, she's in her 20s. At this rate she'll look like Joan Rivers by 35.

Ben is then faced with the tough decision of giving one rose out. This is a biggie since it means the rest of the day will be a one-on-one and he will meet the girl's family next week. I have no idea why but he gives the rose to Amanda. Becca and Caila are devastated.

Since we've already spent ten minutes too many in Warsaw, IN and have run out of places to see, Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's for the rest of their date. This actually happened.

To make it abundantly clear that the bachelor has sold its soul to the Kroc family, Ben and Amanda share a French fry kiss in the style of Lady and the Tramp. Somewhere, Walt Disney weeps.

Next we have an uneventful one-on-one with Emily and Ben. Lolz jk it's a shitshow. Emily wears what I can only describe as stripper jeans and then proceeds to tell Ben's mom that she's "dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember" following that gem up with, "I feel like I'm average at everything in life."

This is so incomprehensibly stupid that there are no words in the English language sufficient to describe what has just happened. If Las Vegas was to take the form of a human being, it would be Emily.

Ben's mom then cries when she talks with Ben because Emily is so terrible. Everything that occurred on this date made me uncomfortable. One onlooker was quoted as saying, "She's like Taylor Swift smashed together with Sarah Palin." An apt comparison.

Ben and Emily leave and praise Chris Harrison that date is over. Ben then sits on the dock by their AirBnB and tells Emily she's the worst while the rest of the girls look on from the house. #ColdBlooded.

Finally we reach the rose ceremony and Ben looks DISTRAUGHT. It's looking like a photo finish for the last rose between Caila and Becca. We all know Lauren is gonna get one because she's #thebest and Amanda already has one because Ben meeting children makes for good TV. Jojo is just there so whatever.

Boom. Lauren B gets a rose.

Boom. Jojo gets a rose.

#DRAMATICMUSIC

BOOM. Caila gets a rose.

~and the crowd goes wild...with anger~

Becca walks away with Ben, which autocorrects to barn sometimes, and speaking for the rest of America asks, "Why did you do that?"

Ben, knowing he made a mistake, can't really come up with a coherent answer. As a straight man, I know why this occurred. WE ARE DUMB AND MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES. Unfortunately for Ben, his mistake cost him a smokeshow in front of millions of screaming fans at home across North America.

In summation, Ben is an idiot and shouldn't have chosen Caila. She's the worst and her name looks like the word Cialis. Lauren is an angel sent from heaven and will win. Jojo really needs to pick a different name to go by, and Amanda sounds like she's inhaled helium at all times. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.

Love and Roses,

Rob
Straight, Male, First Time League Participant

HUGE thank you to Rob for writing this week's post! If you thought it was funny, which you should because it was, follow him on Twitter for more hilarity (@_ob_yan). Teams and standings are up to date! Some teams who are already out still have a chance of making the podium, which would be a first in Roses to Riches history. Let's make history, people. Love you all.

At least Twimily went down swingin'.

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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Ben H Week Four: Attack of the Awko Taco

I apologize if this post is a little disjointed. I'm still in hangover recovery from last week's commissioner reunion. If that sentence confuses you, read last week's post.

Welcome back to The Olivia Show. ABC's editors are having a field day with Olivia soundbites this episode. If I had to estimate airtime, I'd say about 60% of the show is dedicated to her. Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior, only gets like 5%, which is FAR TOO LITTLE. Need more Chris Harrison.

Miss you, boo.

"Ben is my piece" - Olivia.
"Please mean Slam Piece! Damn, she means calm 'peace.' What a waste." - Me.

Before we get too deep into the episode, let's pause for a message about one of ABC's sponsors. Manwich is the worst show sponsor I can imagine. Yea, the brand name has "man" in it, but serving Manwich sloppy joes is a sure-fire way to lose love instead of find it. Can we have a job placement agency or more Neil Lane instead? Manwich's commercial makes my eyes hurt from rolling so hard.

Back to our regularly scheduled recap:

The twins show off how homogenous they are. They live together, work together, speak together, and even coordinate outfits together. They put no effort into differentiating themselves, and methinks this will come back to haunt them.

JoJo gets the first one-on-one date of the week in Vegas. She gets a cocktail followed by a helicopter ride. Some intern forgot to secure the champagne so it falls and shatters when the helicopter lands. Rookie mistake. You're demoted to Are You the One. Ben asks about JoJo's last relationship and she's super vague about what happened. "Did he cheat on you?" "Well, I wasn't the only person involved...there were trust issues..." She then tells the producer how proud she is of opening up and that she deserves a cookie. The date ends in fireworks and JoJo gets a rose.

Cut to Olivia World, where homegirl is crazy confident for the first three minutes of the show, but after seeing Ben kiss JoJo she realizes that her life ISN'T one big Truman-show type sitch and she flips out.

Next we get a group date. It's the classic humiliate-yourself-in-front-of-a-crowd date that usually happens about this far into the season. The girls have to resurrect their old beauty pageant routines in a "talent" show.

"Crap, I have no talent!" We know. That's why you're on the Bachelor, hun.

Jubilee plays the cello, proving once again that she's the most accomplished and therefore out-of-place contestant. She reminds me of Sharleen in that she's too intelligent for this show.

The twins Irish dance without name tags. Again, no differentiation.
We also have a juggler, hula hooper, balloon animal creator, girl in a chicken suit, and a pogo stick-rider-person.

Olivia has some kind of secret "talent" she's concealing from the girls. SURPRISE! It's nakedness. She wears a showgirl outfit and performs dance moves my mother trademarked at the last family wedding. Her talent is giving other people third party embarrassment. About 10 minutes after the talent show she freaks the shit out and pulls the fake panic attack card to mask her humiliation. Unfortunately, no medical personnel make an appearance, so no points are awarded.

Sexy.

Later that night things get delightfully raunchy. Ben calls Caila a Sex Panther (see you in the fantasy suite, gurrrrl) and the kindergarten teacher gifts us a penis joke ("Little Ben is bigger than I expected...").

Meanwhile, Olivia spends all of her time fishing for compliments. He obliges for a little while. She gets interrupted and then we get another look at her mouth fixation. Later on she comes back to have an awkward attack. She vomits her self esteem spasm all over him and continues her terrible dance routine.

Jim Halpert for next Bachelor.

Out of all of this, Lauren B gets the rose.

Becca gets the next one-on-one.  Dress code is Wedding Casual. Is Becca’s wedding dress from Jessica McClintock? Regardless, she's rockin' some Jared Leto hair.

The best part of Becca dates is all the Virginity Points! These points are new this season, and they're awarded to any contestant who discusses virginity, whether it's their own or another person's. Jubilee and Becca both get Virginity Points tonight.

Instead of getting married and obnoxiously playing Going to the Chapel of Love by the Dixie Cups, Ben's ordained and they marry other people. It's pretty cute in a hijacking-other-people's-moments kind of way. Becca is even wearing a shade of white to really emphasize that people's life moments don't matter unless they're shown on television. Best part of the date is the super awko taco (yes, using it as much as possible) kiss from the two anonymous Asians.

Love is a farse, kids.

Later they go to the Neon Museum / junk yard.

"Can she love? Can she feel? Can she commit?" I've been saying for seasons that Becca is a robot, and Ben is now on the same wavelength.

Ben brings up the virgin elephant in the room and I love his direct style. He just straight up asks her if his sex-having past is an issue. He even uses the phrase "jump their bones." I'm in love. No really, he's making me swoon. Becca gets a rose and meanwhile I'm gassing up my car to go steal Ben away.

Back at the ranch suite, Chris Harrison walks in to a room full of unmade-up girls. The twins get a surprise two-on-one, which is the best kind of two-on-one. They wear the same color in case they need to pull an Olsen-style switcheroo.

Pause: Can you imagine if he picked one and did a hometown date with her eventually? Would he have to have that sit down with the other?

He sees their bedrooms and hangs out with their mom. Ben drops Haley and keeps Emily. If my last boyfriend had broken up with me in front of my mother, he'd be leaving the house in pieces, not a limo. Consider yourself spared, Ben.

Actual footage of the twins' mom.

On the special rose ceremony edition of the Olivia show, she steals time to continue fishing for compliments and rehashing her past embarrassment. He's sending all possible "please stop talking" signals. The editors cut to Olivia's talking head between every rose, which I'm really getting tired of.

Amber and unemployed girl go home. Amber partakes in the traditional Removal of the Heals. Maybe third time's the charm, Amber. See ya next season!

During the credits we get a glimpse into "The Cookie Game" with Caila. Apparently eating snacks without having to move your arms is a sport and I finally have a shot at being an olympic athlete.

Points are up. Check your teams. We have a few folks hanging on by a thread.

Send in your watch party photos and best quotes! We'd love to feature more of the league on weekly blog posts. We're also open for guest bloggers. Call us, beep us if you want to reach us, folks.

Love & Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

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Ben H Week Two: Hey We All Just Met You, And Lace Is Crazy

Hello my little popsicles. Elizabeth here this week. I'm still reeling from the success of Draft Night, but super jazzed to be back on the blog. Let's jump right in, shall we? I'm not one for small talk.

Except for one thing. Check out this impressiveness from long time league member, Rob S. Our first (and sometimes favorite) male participant!

You go, Glen Coco.

Lace is off and running, already talking about getting a rose and a ring? You barely got a rose in Week 1, honey. Don't count your diamonds before the Neil Lane egg hatches. Slow your roll. 

Now onto the first date of the season! It's a group date at Bachelor High where they compete to be Homecoming Queen. The girls are all reminiscing about their own homecoming experiences. They're all, "OMG I remember high school back in the day   right before I came on the show   still working on my GED off camera."

These pipsqueaks are way too young to be reminiscing.

Principal Harrison makes some announcements over the PA system. He’s my favorite princi-PAL. 

The girls pair off to make Ben's love volcano erupt. Please hire the intern who came up with that one. She can stay.

They proceed to make out with each other/bob for apples. Jackie wishes she had a bigger mouth for...apple bobbing.

The final test is to place the state of Indiana on a map. They fail miserably, making us all look bad. Even Amber, WHO IS FROM CHICAGO, can't get it right. Becca takes the cake though and basically turns it into Pennsylvania, upgrading Indiana from Worst State in America to Fourth Worst State in America (sorry, Julie's mom.)

Mandi and Amber are the final pair standing, and face off in a hurdles race for the prize. Mandi schools Amber (and btw is actually legit AF), winning one-on-one time with Ben aka one lap around the track in a car. It was so boring they didn't show us any of it.

At the wrap party, Morals and Values (Jennifer + her boobs) gets the First Real Kiss (+10)! The producers played that one up with the delayed music there at the end of the kiss. I'm feeling some real deal chemistry between them.

Back at the mansion...oh hey Olivia without makeup is a little insane and OH MY GOD OLIVIA’S MOUTH IS OUTRAGEOUS. OH. OH. WHAT. LOOK.

I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see? 

Ben, back on the group date: "I love being able to date with no distractions except for the distraction of dating 20 women at once."

JoJo frets about not having a lot of time with Ben, but then he takes her up on the helipad! You know who didn't get to go up on the helipad? Lace. Ben and JoJo have a super magical-looking kiss with his big manly hands on her neck ugh I hate my life. JoJo gets a rose! Snaps for JoJo. 

Next up is the one-on-one date with Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Caila.

We learn that before the show started, Ben was afraid everyone would walk away once they met him. That’s literally what would happen if I were the Bachelorette. All the dudes would ghost. Chris Harrison would break the news to me by saying “Elizabeth, the men have left. They did not take a moment to say their goodbyes. You can write about these 25 men in your book called Quit Dating Dweebs, but maybe just one chapter for the lot of them. Now take a moment and say your goodbyes. But it's just me here. Because everyone ghosted."

Srsly, ghosting is not okay.

Caila earns some hot tub points! Plus a bonus of naked Kevin Hart. During dinner we find out that Caila has some depth to her, which makes up for their dinner table which has no depth. Seriously, they're sitting next to an actual 4-top with ample room for two plates and six wine glasses. Y'all can't make this any more believable? Come on. Then they get a private concert from Amos Lee. You can tell that Ben really is loving it because he's singing all the words to Caila. Presh. Caila gets a rose. Snaps for Caila.

Another group date, and all the girls recite the science-y spiel from the Love Lab. No one paid attention. They put everyone under a heat lamp with Ben to test their compatibility. Real scientific. 

Twins: "I dont know much about science anything."

The less hot twin actually says, “I’m not very...smart.” #shocker

Then the "scientists" make them work out WITHOUT PONYTAIL HOLDERS which completely voids this entire experiment. One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls work out with their hair down. It's infuriating and it makes me question their judgment in all areas of life. After they sweat for a bit Ben smells them to test out their pheromones. Samantha apparently smells sour :( In her defense, Ben probably meant something along the lines of "tart" but made an unfortunate word choice there. Samantha is a self-fulfilling prophecy and gets pretty sour about it. #SourPussSamantha #ew #notsorry 

Question: Did the twins get the same score? 

We learn that Shushanna came to the US from Russia with two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka.

Olivia: "If Ben is a believer in science then maybe we should take this test seriously."

Other girls: "BEN BELIEVES IN JESUS, OLIVIA. NOT SCIENCE. THOSE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. OBVIOUSLY."

Amanda the MILF reveals her surprise children. *points!* (To clarify for all you doubters, the children were revealed to Ben after the first night, and therefore were a surprise to Ben. This is a very important life detail that she concealed for at least 24 hours. +8)

But mah girl Olivia gets the rose! Cue evil mastermind music. Because later, at the cocktail party, as if she hadn't already proven herself worthy of all the points, Olivia commits The Cardinal Sin: stealing Ben for one on one time, having already received a rose for the week.

*~!gAsP!~*

Everyone gets their panties in a wad about it. HOW DARE SHE. 

Olivia, casually: "I got my time, I’m done, so everyone can have at him! Good luck, bitches."

Girls, offended: "Um, Olivia, he's not a piece of meat."

Olivia is watching Lace with an "oh honey" face while Lace talks nonsense at her. Lace reminds me of Shoshanna from Girls. Anyone?

Lace talks to Ben AGAIN and opens the convo by calling herself crazy, just giving Ben more positive reinforcement for that fact.

Ladies, get your mouths under control. <-- I forgot what made me write this note and underline it but apparently they're all doing weird things with their mouths. #luckyben

Okay Ben and the MILF make barrettes for her kids Kensley and Jarlee Yardling ohhh Charlie. Ben 100% doesn’t know what barrettes are but DAMN IT THIS IS ADORABLE. Good on ya, interns.

The rose ceremony happens (YAY) and Ben makes some predictable choices. The producers give a rose to Lace. LB is offered a rose but declines and eliminates herself (+5)! A notable first in Bachelor History. I would stipulate that they have minimal/no chemistry because she started going by a nickname from the very beginning. Immediate nickname = immediate Friend Zone. Everyone knows that. If you didn't, you're welcome. I'm so conflicted because I'm earning self-removal points but she was on my team and I had high hopes for her! Bye, LB :(

Ben eliminates Jackie (who?), Mandi the dentist, and Sour Puss Samantha.

The point breakdown per contestant:

You may want to double-check our math. We spilled Pinot on the calculator.

Check your points and your updated rosters. Smack talk your league mates. Follow us on Twitter and get in touch if you're interested in being a guest blogger!

NEXT WEEK JULIE AND I WILL BE CO-BLOGGING! TOGETHER! FROM NEW ORLEANS. I am aware of the redundancies in that sentence but my excitement precludes grammatical correctness.

It feels so good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
Co-commissioner

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Ben H Week One: Gettin' Higgy Wit It

Welcome back, Baches!

It feels like years since the last time we were graced with the wise words of Chris Harrison, our Lord and Savior. He's back in all of his therapeutic glory and we couldn't be happier.

My winter just got 28 degrees warmer.

The Roses to Riches Fantasy League has grown exponentially since the amateur days of Desiree's season. We're up to over 70 players in 6+ states! We have satellite conferences in Nashville, Lexington, and New York City. Yours truly is playing in the Remote Conference (aka Hoes in Different Area Codes) with competition from all over the country. The Chicago Conference is up to 5 pools of players and even conducted their draft at a sponsor bar. Congrats, folks. We've hit the big time. If we get any bigger, we might have to institute a bowl playoff system with a totally biased selection committee.

Let's get down to business, shall we? Judging by the season previews, we are in for a classically dramatic season. Night one was no disappointment. Ben H's season is full of just enough weirdos to keep our game fun. Personal favorites from draft night include the crazy chicken lady, drunk girl already stirring up trouble, and Lil' Sebastian's hillbilly friend.

RIP lil' buddy. You will always be missed.

Can we halt for a moment and talk about how Ben H is 26 and from almost the same hometown as me? He might as well be all the losers I wanted to date in high school. I don't even pay my own cell phone bill yet and this kid is talking about marriage. How could a town an hour away produce Ben H but my hometown only produced meth-addicts and Best Buy employees? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

All angsty thoughts aside, Ben H is quite good at playing the Bachelor game. He and Christ Chris Harrison are already best bros, and as we learned from 'ole Juan Pablo, that is the key to success and positive PR.

Straight out of the limo some ladies make swift advances. Lace says "hi" with an awkward kiss (does not count for points.) Leah uses a football ruse as an excuse to hike up her dress and show off the goods. JoJo terrifies us all with a unicorn mask. Lauren R confessed her social media stalking skills. The twins say and do the exact same things all night, raising suspicions of cloning and/or robot parts.

Props go out to my girl Izzy for wearing a comfy pajama onesie to such an uncomfortable formal event. You da real MVP.

Becca and Amber, the two girls from prior seasons, show up fashionably late with smug got-this-in-the-bag expressions. Naturally, the other girls already hate them.

Speaking of hate, Lace has a fewww too many glasses of pinot and has already brought our her crazy and her claws. Instead of hiding her inner-lunatic for just one night like the rest of the contestants, she decides to start shit talking and asking Ben for more attention. Not the smoothest of moves. Lace turns out to be quite the point-cow, however, thanks to her knack for insulting others and stealing Ben during one-on-one times.

Lace is the type to burn all of your stuff because your phone died.

The first impression rose, and 10 beautiful points, goes to Olivia. She's was an obvious front-runner from her introduction, but the first impression rose, aka kiss of death, almost certainly means she doesn't win. I hope she has a contingency plan, because she quit her new anchor gig to embarrass herself on television.

Thank goodness ABC followed protocol this season and gave us a rose ceremony on the first night. They tried to get all tricky last season which just flared up my stress ulcer. The rose ceremony happens at what appears to be 6am. The gals are all nervous and Lace is having trouble standing up straight. Some surprising keeps, other than Miss Inebriation, are the mother of two and the girl who never spoke English.

Our eliminated one-night-wonders are:
Breanne (the gluten hater)
Tiara (crazy chicken lady)
Maegan (can we keep Lil' Sebastian?)
Izzy (onesie hero)
Laura (intelligent redhead - who saw that coming? Sorry, Eliz)
Jessica (I don't remember anything distinct about her)

Too bad, so sad ladies.

League members, check your points and rosters on your conference page. For the sake of efficiency, Lexington is listed as part of the Nashville Conference. Don't forget to send us your team name and Tweet your watch party photos to @RosestoRiches. The league is much more fun when trash talking is involved, so pool texts/emails are highly encouraged. Feel free to also leave those thoughts and feelings in the comment section of this post.

May the roses be ever in your favor.

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

Special thanks this week goes out to Conor at Gaslight Pub in Chicago. We appreciate your patience, accommodating spirit, and sense of humor. We'll be back with bells on, if you'll have us! We may even bring you a rose.

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Chris' Finale: Love Is Blind and Apparently Also Deaf

Alterate titles to this post:
- Whitney's Voice Forever. Forever ever? Forever EVER?!
- I Ain't Sayin' She A Gold Digger, But She Ain't Messin' With No Broke Farmer
- To Have and To Hold Until I Have To Go Harvest
- She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy

Well, folks, this season is over. Prince Farming has found his "princess" and half of our league lost their $15. The finale was pretty anticlimactic as far as Bachelor finales go. Let's get into the details, shall we?

Both ladies get the privilege of traveling to Iowa (again, yay?) to meet Chris' family. First up is Whitney. She makes a bunch of ridiculous speeches that make our ears bleed, but she cries a lot, so at least that voice is earning some of us points. Chris' sisters and mom really like her so she takes an early lead.

Becca goes into the lions' den and confirm her status as a rational thinker with her whole "no, I'm actually a normal human and don't fall in love with people immediately on TV." She's not head-over-heels. The fam's not impressed. Chris, on the other hand, basically say's she has it in the bag.

Fast forward to some evening in an actual municipality: Chris goes to see Becca in her hotel and is all "do you love me?" and she's all "dude, slow your roll." Meanwhile Julie is all "love is stupid" and the rest of the viewing party is all "shut up."

After Becca fails to express any real thoughts, Chris takes Whitney out on a date on a tractor, winning the first tractor ride points (Note: there was a tractor featured early on this season, but due to a movement technicality, it didn't count.)

They go back to Chris' house, where Whitney immediately starts to visualize where she will put the framed picture SHE ALREADY HAS OF THEM. Chris comments that the house has "room to grow" meaning let's pop out some babies now, shall we? There were some more serious boring conversations but we were too busy taking jello shots to notice.

After all that non-drama, we get to the rose ceremony. The limos have to travel appx 90 minutes to get to this barn in the middle of nowhere, not counting the McDonald's stop 20 mins out because that's the only restaurant around. The setup is a pretty weird, like rustic chic on acid (although the stained glass was on point). The anticipation of who will get out first is killing me!!! WHO IS IT OMGGGGG.

Becca. Damnit.

She steps out of the limo in her super fab red velvet gown, Chris breaks up with her and she takes it like a champ. She saves face for the camera and doesn't shed a single tear. I acknowledge that people like her don't necessarily make for good TV and, as Julie points out, if everyone acted like she did we wouldn't have a league to speak of. But I applaud Becca for not having a hysterical breakdown on national television. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Emotions are the worst.

I'm making Julie write about Whitney now because I don't like her and it'll be too mean.

So Whitney steps out of the limo and gets her little hug and pep talk from Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. She's shaking like a chihuahua in the springtime and her eyes are bugging out in a similar fashion. Did she steal some substances from Ashley S? Whit reiterates the whole "I love you, we'd make awesome babies" schpiel for like a half hour. On this note, Chris drops to one knee and gives her the huge rock provided by a jeweler who we will not name drop (we'll reconsider if he pays us the same he pays ABC to get on the show every season.) Anyway, they get all lovey-dovey, sit on the barn ledge in their formal wear, and watch the midwestern sunset in below-freezing temperatures. True romance.

Our viewing party does one last cheers with Jello shots (thanks, Corinne's Aunt!) and tallies up points:

In Chicago Pool #1 Team Audrey, the Farmer's Floozies took first place. That team had BOTH Whitney and Becca. Props for good drafting. Second went to Julie's Jive Turkeys and third went to a former champion: MC's McSluts.

In Chicago Pool #2 Finally Gonna Win Corinne takes back the title of first place with her team Corinne & Chris' Corn-fed Cuties. Second place goes to Shannon's Boot Scootin' Biddies. It was a tight race and Shannon lost by only 2 points, despite being out of team members for weeks. Kyle's Threesome appropriately took third place.

In the Nashville Pool, Team Caitlin Bach of Cookies won by a landslide with 233 points. Second place went to Katharine's Kittenz. Rounding out the Nashville top 3 was Rachel's Blackout Bitches. Also in this league, we set a new record low. Team Emily: A Roll in the Hay brought disgrace to their GM with only 63 points. Maybe next season they can recover.

Now that this season's over, let's talk about next. What the hell, ABC? Chris Harrison announced last night that next season will feature...wait for it... TWO bachelorettes. Not only are they breaking the sacred cycle, they're letting bratty Britt get more screen time.

   

On a serious note, ABC is taking the sexism of the show to a whole new level. Before, it was acceptable because it's The Bachelor and it's cheesy and it's funny to watch people make a fool of themselves. It's not funny anymore. They took it too far. On a less serious note, this is totally going to wreak havoc on the structure of the league, which we do NOT appreciate. Throwing off our groove here, Chris Harrison.

It's been an excellent season, Bachies.  Until next time...


Love & Roses
Julie and Elizabeth
Your League Czars Commissioners

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