Kaitlyn Week Three: Villains Gonna Vill

Annnnnd we're back. We're continuing last week's To Be Continued episode, which I'm still salty about. Kupah is still drangry and yelling at Elan (yes, first name basis with Producer Numero Uno). Kaitlyn overhears and scolds him. He retracts back into his turtle shell and resembles a petulant 5-year-old afraid of its mother. "FINE. I won't yell anymore, mom." Once she steps away, his ego kicks back in and he's all "I didn't like her anyway" and the whole thing is over. Not the blaze of glory we all hoped for. I waited a week for this interaction; I was hoping it'd be something more, and not just a reenactment of all my relationship arguments ever. At least he earned some points for an unceremonious elimination and making her cry. Love it when they go down swinging.

Finally, we get our rose ceremony. She boots off Cory-No-E and Daniel. No surprises there.

Now we move on to the actual week three, and it starts out pretty heavy (LITERALLY! ha). The schtick this week is sumo wrestling! ABC was able to cast the heaviest Japanese person ever (<-- actual thing they said. He is 600lbs.) to teach the men sumo-basics. Unfortunately, ABC still employs their trusty censorship box operator, so we didn't get to see all the man tushy that was on screen. I mostly feel bad for the cameramen. Country Bumpkin Joe didn't fasten his diaper thong properly and had a little more showing the entire time, so let's hope Elizabeth's future sunscreen intern was also on the call sheet.

The men, who almost all still have black eyes from last week's aggression fun date, "wrestle" in the form of bumping, grinding, and diaper grabbing. So many sexual jokes were made, including something about a dong show and mushing of man meat.

Things we learn about Touchy Tony:

1. He love his bonzai trees most in life and hates violence
2. He has the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy
3. He sees the world through the eyes of a child
4. He enjoys taking dates to the zoo and imitating the elephants
5. He is a sore loser

We also learn that JJ loves Japanese culture, like sushi and... that's really it.

Youths.

During Tony's turn he tickles the sumo guy instead of actual fighting. Sumo giggles like a 5-year-old Asian Santa Claus and tosses Tony out of the ring like a rag doll. Tony then throws a temper tantrum about it. Frankly, I missed a lot of it because my viewing party was busy discussing his visible moose knuckle (educate yourself here). Tony, dude, you're attempting to get yourself kicked off while in a man thong. Contestants have hit low points on this show before, but I really think we're witnessing a rock bottom.

The men go do some more touching in front of an audience. Clint goes all Hulk and takes it too seriously. Apparently he was a wrestler in college, which might explain some of his later behavior involving shirtlessness and male bonding.

Touchy Tony leaves the show and earns some unceremonious elimination points. I hope a producer gave him Ashley S's number on the way out.

Pardon my french here, but all the dudes on this date are so butt-hurt. It makes sense, because it's like the second week of grownup sleepaway camp when exhaustion, hangover, and homesickness set in, but it's annoying anyway. Shawn B gets the group date rose and also 10 points for being the first to say he's "falling for Kaitlyn." We all swoon.

Next up is a one-on-one date with Ben Z who, as Kaitlyn so accurately described, is a babe-soda. They go on a TERRIFYING Saw-themed date supposedly set up by Chris Harrison. They are locked in a horrifying room with live creatures and they have to find clues for the code to get out. When I say terrifying, I mean it. A live scorpion? Snakes? I had to keep my eyes closed this whole segment. I've had this nightmare before, and it ended in a Monday morning staff meeting. All I know is that the password was "Roses" and now I have to change the password for all accounts associated with this blog. Thanks ABC. I would not have judged either of them if they had peed their pants...I know I would have when I saw the LIVE SNAKES. One thing I most certainly did judge for, however, is Kaitlyn's fear of birds. Look, I get it, pigeons are absolutely disgusting, but she has TWO bird tattoos permanently on her body? Why would you do that if you have a fear of them? Whyyyyyyyy.

Me during this whole date.

Once that's over, Ben Z gets his date time, and he's all cute and rose-deserving. Yay. Ben Z is top notch. He's literally everyone's type. Even Rob said he's gay for Ben Z.

The third date of the night is another group adventure. The men are required to teach children (concerningly young child actors, to be specific) the birds and the bees. This proves to be difficult because Joshua learned all of his sex ed from watching their cows back on the farm. Considering my mother was my middle school sex ed teacher (shout out to Mama Sutton!), I have little sympathy for the men's claims of feeling awkward. Ben H steps up and shows the group how it's done (LITERALLY AGAIN! Ha!) He gives an adorably accurate description of baby making [insert babymaking-with-me joke here...you can stop reading now, Mama] and makes all of us swoon at his charisma. Obviously he's going to know the ins and outs of sex...he went to IU ZING. Ben H gets the group date rose.

He's not wrong.

On to the cocktail party. Can we address the homoeroticism in the room? Clint and JJ are all about each other and it's the secondary storyline to the whole episode. I know that they're joking, but they're joking a little too calmly, and I'm not sure I like that they're joking about being gay. I love too many gays to let idiots on reality television make fun of them. Naming the episode Brokeback Bachelor not only insults my gay best friends, but it also insults Heath Ledger, which we can all agree is NEVER ok. JJ plays the Bach game and at least pretends to like Kaitlyn, but Clint goes as far to say that he only wants to stay because of JJ. He actually says "I'm not into Kaitlyn." JJ and Clint form an alliance to piss off everyone around them and help each other win. Newsflash: this is not Survivor. Anyone who might mistake Chris Harrison for Jeff Probst can just gtfo right now.

Villains Gonna Vill.

Meanwhile, plenty of men are taking their turn drunkenly making out with Kaitlyn, pleading for her to keep them. Several dudes get points for warning her that C+JJ are there for the wrong reasons. She storms over to find Clint (and for some reason, only Clint) and tell him off...

ANOTHER STUPID TO BE CONTINUED. SCREW YOU ABC. We have a structure for our point keeping and you're totally throwing it off. We can only include the Emperor's New Groove .gif so many weeks in a row. Next week we'll have another rose ceremony in the first 10 minutes (30 minutes, if you include commercials)

My groove is still off, ABC. STILL.

Points and rosters have been updated.

Love & Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners