In case you live under a rock and/or are a complete moron, this season's piece of meat up for grabs is hunky farm boy Chris: a millionaire farmer from
Here's hoping ABC brought their first string producers and interns to stir up some drama for us, because I am a little fearful that Chris' devastating earnestness won't make great TV. But based on the season's previews, I'm confident that the producers won't disappoint. A few things we've got in store for us include:
- "The strangest rose ceremony we've ever seen on the show"
- VIRGIN! IN THE FANTASY SUITE!
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| Say it in Professor Quirrell's voice |
- Someone requiring oxygen from a medical professional
- Make-out montages
- Betch tears on betch tears on betch tears
Some notes before we get started. Point categories are located here. Team Rosters are here. For clarity purposes, Bachelor Chris will be referred to as Chris, among any/all punny nicknames we assign him. Chris Harrison will always be referred to as Chris Harrison, Cupid, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior, or simply CH.
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| Master Matchmaker |
Let's go through the ladies in alphabetical order. Chris is presented with an unprecedented 30 potential wifeys this season, and quickly gets overwhelmed by the choices. At one point, he confesses, "I wish I was a polygamist right now."
This is how I would be if I were in Chris' shoes:
Luckily for us, Chris is more open minded. Let's take a look-see...
Alissa, 24, flight attendant. Brought a seatbelt and did the demo. "That was f***ing adorable." -said all the bachelorettes from inside, and all of us viewers at home.
Amanda, 24, ballet teacher. Alarmingly large eyes. Tried to be Chris' secret admirer the way he was for Andi. Didn't pull it off; Chris' reaction was, "K." She was sent home.
Amber, 29, bartender. Brought her teddy bear...
Ashley I, 26, nanny.
Ashley S, 24, hair stylist. Got wasted and started hallucinating pomegranates outside with the producers while she talked about peeling away the layers of an onion. She looks very distracted all the time, not much going on upstairs.
Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant. Chris dug her. Checkin her OUT and tongue tied.
Bo, 25, plus-size model
Britt, 27, waitress. Gave Chris the longest hug ever experienced and OMG she is almost as devastatingly earnest as he is. Is this even possible?? Early front runner, probably has a target on her back. #bachelorjargon
Brittany, 26, WWE diva-in-training. Enough said.
Carly, 29, cruise ship singer. During her entrance, other girls were watching from inside. "What is she singing?" "I don't know but I think she's going to get eliminated tonight."
Jade, 28, cosmetics developer. Seems legit. Promising musical accompaniment with her entrance.
Jillian, 25, news producer. Kind of scary. Keeps flexing for the camera...?
Jordan, 24, student. Takes whiskey shots with Chris as her entrance gimmick.
Juelia 30, esthetician. Disqualified from life based on the spelling of her name.
Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor. Doesn't blink often enough. Tells super inappropriate jokes, is loud and crude. She'll earn some points for us hopefully.
Kara, 25, high school soccer coach. Got out of the limo and immediately mentions having babies with Chris. Slow your roll, girlfriend.
Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor. We like Kelsey. She's cute and normal.
Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor.
Mackenzie, 21, dental assistant. She's 21.
Megan, 23, makeup artist.
Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator.
Nicole, 31, real estate agent. Red head! Solidarity, sister. Sorry you went home.
Nikki, 26, FORMER NFL cheerleader. The Josh of Chris' season. What is she currently doing with her life?! Also my dog's name is Nikki.
Reegan, 28, donated tissue specialist. She brought out tissue from a heart and Chris was disgusted, so she reminded him that "IT WAS A JOKE" while making that emoji face with all the teeth.
Samantha, 27, fashion designer.
Tandra, 30, executive assistant. Rode in on a motorcycle.
Tara, 26, sport fishing enthusiast. I assume she's taking a cue from Dog Lover on her profession. Homegirl stepped out of the limo in daisy dukes and cowgirl boots and Chris seemed to dig it. She should've quit while she was ahead. She proceeded to change clothes, re-introduce herself, and then slam a few too many Jack on the rocks. She barely made it through the rose ceremony without vomming and passing out. Chris decided to give her a second chance so we'll see how she handles her liquor next week. Jack wins every time, Tara. Everyone knows that.
Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher.
Trina, 33, special education teacher.
Whitney, 29, fertility nurse. Corinne knows her! Kind of.
The whole thing with two groups of limos was silly. "Another limo showed up in front of the mansion surprisingeveryone no one." -Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior. All this did was cause a huge rift between the Original Fifteen and the Nouveau Femmes.
Also why was this premiere THREE WHOLE HOURS? So unnecessary. Britt got the First Impression Rose and the First Real Kiss, blowing everyone else out of the water and earning us lots of points right out of the gate. Lots of people are #TeamBritt, but I have to say I'm a little skeptical. She seems almost too good to be true. I think the producers are setting America up for heartbreak. Planting the seeds early.
In true Bachelor form, ABC left us with a cliffhanger! Kimberly was eliminated but after crying some betch tears for the camera she decided she wasn't ready to leave just yet (even though it was morning wtf I'd be out of there so fast). She goes back in to talk to Chris in what will hopefully be a teary drunken confrontation. We won't know for sure until next week! Can't wait. This is going to be a great season.
We have a record number of people playing this season, so we had to make THREE pools! Points are up here. Those with Britt on their teams are killing it right now, but don't fret! There will be plenty of crazy to go around.
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners
This is how I would be if I were in Chris' shoes:
Luckily for us, Chris is more open minded. Let's take a look-see...
Alissa, 24, flight attendant. Brought a seatbelt and did the demo. "That was f***ing adorable." -said all the bachelorettes from inside, and all of us viewers at home.
Amanda, 24, ballet teacher. Alarmingly large eyes. Tried to be Chris' secret admirer the way he was for Andi. Didn't pull it off; Chris' reaction was, "K." She was sent home.
Amber, 29, bartender. Brought her teddy bear...
Ashley I, 26, nanny.
Ashley S, 24, hair stylist. Got wasted and started hallucinating pomegranates outside with the producers while she talked about peeling away the layers of an onion. She looks very distracted all the time, not much going on upstairs.
Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant. Chris dug her. Checkin her OUT and tongue tied.
Bo, 25, plus-size model
Britt, 27, waitress. Gave Chris the longest hug ever experienced and OMG she is almost as devastatingly earnest as he is. Is this even possible?? Early front runner, probably has a target on her back. #bachelorjargon
Brittany, 26, WWE diva-in-training. Enough said.
Carly, 29, cruise ship singer. During her entrance, other girls were watching from inside. "What is she singing?" "I don't know but I think she's going to get eliminated tonight."
Jade, 28, cosmetics developer. Seems legit. Promising musical accompaniment with her entrance.
Jillian, 25, news producer. Kind of scary. Keeps flexing for the camera...?
Jordan, 24, student. Takes whiskey shots with Chris as her entrance gimmick.
Juelia 30, esthetician. Disqualified from life based on the spelling of her name.
Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor. Doesn't blink often enough. Tells super inappropriate jokes, is loud and crude. She'll earn some points for us hopefully.
Kara, 25, high school soccer coach. Got out of the limo and immediately mentions having babies with Chris. Slow your roll, girlfriend.
Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor. We like Kelsey. She's cute and normal.
Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor.
Mackenzie, 21, dental assistant. She's 21.
Megan, 23, makeup artist.
Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator.
Nicole, 31, real estate agent. Red head! Solidarity, sister. Sorry you went home.
Nikki, 26, FORMER NFL cheerleader. The Josh of Chris' season. What is she currently doing with her life?! Also my dog's name is Nikki.
Reegan, 28, donated tissue specialist. She brought out tissue from a heart and Chris was disgusted, so she reminded him that "IT WAS A JOKE" while making that emoji face with all the teeth.
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| IT WAS A JOKE. |
Samantha, 27, fashion designer.
Tandra, 30, executive assistant. Rode in on a motorcycle.
Tara, 26, sport fishing enthusiast. I assume she's taking a cue from Dog Lover on her profession. Homegirl stepped out of the limo in daisy dukes and cowgirl boots and Chris seemed to dig it. She should've quit while she was ahead. She proceeded to change clothes, re-introduce herself, and then slam a few too many Jack on the rocks. She barely made it through the rose ceremony without vomming and passing out. Chris decided to give her a second chance so we'll see how she handles her liquor next week. Jack wins every time, Tara. Everyone knows that.
Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher.
Trina, 33, special education teacher.
Whitney, 29, fertility nurse. Corinne knows her! Kind of.
The whole thing with two groups of limos was silly. "Another limo showed up in front of the mansion surprising
Also why was this premiere THREE WHOLE HOURS? So unnecessary. Britt got the First Impression Rose and the First Real Kiss, blowing everyone else out of the water and earning us lots of points right out of the gate. Lots of people are #TeamBritt, but I have to say I'm a little skeptical. She seems almost too good to be true. I think the producers are setting America up for heartbreak. Planting the seeds early.
In true Bachelor form, ABC left us with a cliffhanger! Kimberly was eliminated but after crying some betch tears for the camera she decided she wasn't ready to leave just yet (even though it was morning wtf I'd be out of there so fast). She goes back in to talk to Chris in what will hopefully be a teary drunken confrontation. We won't know for sure until next week! Can't wait. This is going to be a great season.
We have a record number of people playing this season, so we had to make THREE pools! Points are up here. Those with Britt on their teams are killing it right now, but don't fret! There will be plenty of crazy to go around.
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners
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