Ben H Week Two: Hey We All Just Met You, And Lace Is Crazy

Hello my little popsicles. Elizabeth here this week. I'm still reeling from the success of Draft Night, but super jazzed to be back on the blog. Let's jump right in, shall we? I'm not one for small talk.

Except for one thing. Check out this impressiveness from long time league member, Rob S. Our first (and sometimes favorite) male participant!

You go, Glen Coco.

Lace is off and running, already talking about getting a rose and a ring? You barely got a rose in Week 1, honey. Don't count your diamonds before the Neil Lane egg hatches. Slow your roll. 

Now onto the first date of the season! It's a group date at Bachelor High where they compete to be Homecoming Queen. The girls are all reminiscing about their own homecoming experiences. They're all, "OMG I remember high school back in the day   right before I came on the show   still working on my GED off camera."

These pipsqueaks are way too young to be reminiscing.

Principal Harrison makes some announcements over the PA system. He’s my favorite princi-PAL. 

The girls pair off to make Ben's love volcano erupt. Please hire the intern who came up with that one. She can stay.

They proceed to make out with each other/bob for apples. Jackie wishes she had a bigger mouth for...apple bobbing.

The final test is to place the state of Indiana on a map. They fail miserably, making us all look bad. Even Amber, WHO IS FROM CHICAGO, can't get it right. Becca takes the cake though and basically turns it into Pennsylvania, upgrading Indiana from Worst State in America to Fourth Worst State in America (sorry, Julie's mom.)

Mandi and Amber are the final pair standing, and face off in a hurdles race for the prize. Mandi schools Amber (and btw is actually legit AF), winning one-on-one time with Ben aka one lap around the track in a car. It was so boring they didn't show us any of it.

At the wrap party, Morals and Values (Jennifer + her boobs) gets the First Real Kiss (+10)! The producers played that one up with the delayed music there at the end of the kiss. I'm feeling some real deal chemistry between them.

Back at the mansion...oh hey Olivia without makeup is a little insane and OH MY GOD OLIVIA’S MOUTH IS OUTRAGEOUS. OH. OH. WHAT. LOOK.

I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see? 

Ben, back on the group date: "I love being able to date with no distractions except for the distraction of dating 20 women at once."

JoJo frets about not having a lot of time with Ben, but then he takes her up on the helipad! You know who didn't get to go up on the helipad? Lace. Ben and JoJo have a super magical-looking kiss with his big manly hands on her neck ugh I hate my life. JoJo gets a rose! Snaps for JoJo. 

Next up is the one-on-one date with Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Caila.

We learn that before the show started, Ben was afraid everyone would walk away once they met him. That’s literally what would happen if I were the Bachelorette. All the dudes would ghost. Chris Harrison would break the news to me by saying “Elizabeth, the men have left. They did not take a moment to say their goodbyes. You can write about these 25 men in your book called Quit Dating Dweebs, but maybe just one chapter for the lot of them. Now take a moment and say your goodbyes. But it's just me here. Because everyone ghosted."

Srsly, ghosting is not okay.

Caila earns some hot tub points! Plus a bonus of naked Kevin Hart. During dinner we find out that Caila has some depth to her, which makes up for their dinner table which has no depth. Seriously, they're sitting next to an actual 4-top with ample room for two plates and six wine glasses. Y'all can't make this any more believable? Come on. Then they get a private concert from Amos Lee. You can tell that Ben really is loving it because he's singing all the words to Caila. Presh. Caila gets a rose. Snaps for Caila.

Another group date, and all the girls recite the science-y spiel from the Love Lab. No one paid attention. They put everyone under a heat lamp with Ben to test their compatibility. Real scientific. 

Twins: "I dont know much about science anything."

The less hot twin actually says, “I’m not very...smart.” #shocker

Then the "scientists" make them work out WITHOUT PONYTAIL HOLDERS which completely voids this entire experiment. One of my biggest pet peeves is when girls work out with their hair down. It's infuriating and it makes me question their judgment in all areas of life. After they sweat for a bit Ben smells them to test out their pheromones. Samantha apparently smells sour :( In her defense, Ben probably meant something along the lines of "tart" but made an unfortunate word choice there. Samantha is a self-fulfilling prophecy and gets pretty sour about it. #SourPussSamantha #ew #notsorry 

Question: Did the twins get the same score? 

We learn that Shushanna came to the US from Russia with two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka.

Olivia: "If Ben is a believer in science then maybe we should take this test seriously."

Other girls: "BEN BELIEVES IN JESUS, OLIVIA. NOT SCIENCE. THOSE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. OBVIOUSLY."

Amanda the MILF reveals her surprise children. *points!* (To clarify for all you doubters, the children were revealed to Ben after the first night, and therefore were a surprise to Ben. This is a very important life detail that she concealed for at least 24 hours. +8)

But mah girl Olivia gets the rose! Cue evil mastermind music. Because later, at the cocktail party, as if she hadn't already proven herself worthy of all the points, Olivia commits The Cardinal Sin: stealing Ben for one on one time, having already received a rose for the week.

*~!gAsP!~*

Everyone gets their panties in a wad about it. HOW DARE SHE. 

Olivia, casually: "I got my time, I’m done, so everyone can have at him! Good luck, bitches."

Girls, offended: "Um, Olivia, he's not a piece of meat."

Olivia is watching Lace with an "oh honey" face while Lace talks nonsense at her. Lace reminds me of Shoshanna from Girls. Anyone?

Lace talks to Ben AGAIN and opens the convo by calling herself crazy, just giving Ben more positive reinforcement for that fact.

Ladies, get your mouths under control. <-- I forgot what made me write this note and underline it but apparently they're all doing weird things with their mouths. #luckyben

Okay Ben and the MILF make barrettes for her kids Kensley and Jarlee Yardling ohhh Charlie. Ben 100% doesn’t know what barrettes are but DAMN IT THIS IS ADORABLE. Good on ya, interns.

The rose ceremony happens (YAY) and Ben makes some predictable choices. The producers give a rose to Lace. LB is offered a rose but declines and eliminates herself (+5)! A notable first in Bachelor History. I would stipulate that they have minimal/no chemistry because she started going by a nickname from the very beginning. Immediate nickname = immediate Friend Zone. Everyone knows that. If you didn't, you're welcome. I'm so conflicted because I'm earning self-removal points but she was on my team and I had high hopes for her! Bye, LB :(

Ben eliminates Jackie (who?), Mandi the dentist, and Sour Puss Samantha.

The point breakdown per contestant:

You may want to double-check our math. We spilled Pinot on the calculator.

Check your points and your updated rosters. Smack talk your league mates. Follow us on Twitter and get in touch if you're interested in being a guest blogger!

NEXT WEEK JULIE AND I WILL BE CO-BLOGGING! TOGETHER! FROM NEW ORLEANS. I am aware of the redundancies in that sentence but my excitement precludes grammatical correctness.

It feels so good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
Co-commissioner