Kaitlyn Week Nine: Bach Shit Cray

We're getting down to the wire! It's an odd week of both fantasy suites AND hometowns, an emotional roller coaster for everyone. Deep breaths, everyone. Okay. Let's resume this catfight between Nick and Shawn.

Shawn: "I just want to get what I'm feeling off my chest. I hate you and you're the worst."
Nick: "Don't hate me cause you ain't me."

Pretty anticlimactic, I have to say.

Date with Ben H. They ride horses through the Irish countryside. They are continually surprised at how tame and responsive the horses are! Even the feisty one! I'm giving Kaitlyn so much side eye right now.

They have a picnic outside a castle...fantastic setup by the interns.

Kaitlyn: "The architect of this castle is the same guy who designed Buckingham Palace! I know this because I am smart and worldly." Oh did you just pull that fun fact out of your own tiny brain, Kaitlyn? I doubt it.

Kaitlyn tells Ben they're having dinner and sexy time in that castle. He flips out a little, it's like he's never watched the show before.

They Sweater Swap before dinner.

Kaitlyn: "If all goes well, Ben and I will bone here tonight!"

Ben gives the best toasts. Heart eyes emoji. The interns prepped him well. OH OKAY BEN with the most perfect Fantasy Suite proposal response of all time. *producers high-five each other off camera*

He leaves with a backpack the next morning and is all kinds of adorable.

Date with Shawn. They go golfing, Kaitlyn makes him wear bright clothes in a HILARIOUS PRANK. Shawn keeps hitting his balls into the water, which is a great metaphor for how this whole season has gone for him. Clearly Kaitlyn's six weeks of lessons in anticipation of this very moment have paid off. She actually beats Shawn and her prize is Shawn B's body in all its naked glory. She dares him go streaking across the golf course (would make a joke about why American tourists are hated all over the world...but she's Canadian).

Shawn takes his pants off. I'm sorry, who do you think you are with that underwear? Michael Phelps?

Oh, hello.

Didn't think so. But ya still look good, Shawn. Just keep stripping, just keep stripping.

Confession: I just spent a long time looking through pictures of Michael Phelps to find just the right one. Not the worst way to spend half an hour... 

Kaitlyn pulls a Parent Trap and steals his clothes while he's putting. He chases after her and they just run around naked for a while. The best part of this whole incident is the entire crew that has to follow the action outside the frame. The boom guy, probably two different cameras, plus an intern or two, all getting a serious eyeful on this date. What a job perk!

At "dinner" they talk about The Process. Shawn continues to spew nonsense about Nick. He uses the word allegations and Corinne makes us pause so she can go take a cold shower. #vocabturnons

They bone. He leaves pretty abruptly the next morning.
Kaitlyn as Shawn walks away: "Shawn does have a great butt, but is it worth all this drama?"

Nick is waiting in the wings as Shawn leaves bonetown. But here's a question...wasn't his date in a completely different part of the country? Which poor souls had to drive him all the way to Northern Ireland so he could lean against the wall in such a formidable fashion? #BachelorInterns #unsungheroes

They have yet another verbal altercation. Afterwards, Shawn retreats to his safe room bathroom to hide his rage boner collect himself.

Side note: remember when this was supposed to be a serious confrontation?

#throwback #TouchyTony

Back to the Rose Ceremony. Before handing out roses, Kaitlyn has a mini meltdown. She turns a complete 360 degrees to avoid ugly crying on camera. Her heart is beating out of her chest, per usual. Shouldn't that be a red flag that you might be making a mistake? Just one girl's opinion.

Nick and Shawn get roses. Not surprised.

We say a sad (BUT TEARLESS?!?!) goodbye to Ben H. I was really counting on those points. Very disappointed in his lack of emotion. Can I rewind to this last weekend and audition for Ben H's Bach season? He's it for sure. A comparable exit to Jared in terms of class, but less rodent-y, better looking, more universal appeal. I mean, who didn't have a crush on Peter Brady growing up? He was the best part of the Brady Bunch. Plus Ben already knows all the Bachelor Buzzwords! Minimal prep needed.

Anyway, time for low budget fakeout hometowns...bringing the families to Utah? Seems random. But we have already seen Nick's hometown, plus if Nick and Shawn are near each other there is more potential for dramatic encounters. I see what you're doing, producers.

I can't look away

Everyone in Nick's family is crying about this situation. Poor Viall fam, they're just a nice Catholic family from Wisconsin and this show is ripping them apart.

The phrase "someone only a mother could love" was definitely coined about Nick. "My family is worried about me because I keep messing my life up on national television."

Kaitlyn to cameras: "We have insane, passionate chemistry and we can't keep our hands off each other."
Kaitlyn to family: "We have great conversation."

Nick and Mom have a nice heart to heart. They both cry. Is he normal in real life? Can't tell.

Shawn's "hometown" date is less teary. Where does Shawn get his looks from? It's clearly not his dad. Mom is inexplicably MIA. Shawn is like a little kid begging for his older sisters' approval. Pretty endearing I guess. They mostly like her.

JK I'm sure his sisters are lovely.

End of hometowns. In two weeks, we're scooping up Neil Lane and then heading to the tropics! Men Tell All is next week so no blog post. FINALLY BACK ON SCHEDULE. Thank goodness.

Even though there's only one draftee left in the league, the standings are not final. Depending on which guy gets The Final Rose, some teams may be able to overtake current leaders. This is why I love the league...gotta keep y'all on the edge of your seats! Check your standings here and see if you're still in the running.

I am not winning. 

Are you Team Nick or Team Shawn? Let us know who you're rooting for in the comments.

PREACH.

Also, don't forget to follow us on Twitter! Check us out over there on the right side column or go straight to the page to see our hilarious episode commentary. S/o to Director of Social Media Mary Clare Walsh, who is working hard on skyrocketing us to internet fame. She's funny.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners