Kaitlyn Week Six: Take a Moment, Say Your Irish Goodbyes

Get ready for another shockingly dramatic episode of The Bachelorette (their words, not mine).

We pick right back up with our boys in San Antonio. Ian is still mid hissy fit, and boy does he show his true colors. The dude had so much potential in the preseason, and he's squandering it away. Under the guise of honesty he calls her shallow and slutty, which all around is not cool. "Is humor really what you're looking for in a husband?" ...uh, chyea dude. What are you looking for? Morticia Addams? There ARE ways to tactfully say "meh, I dont think I like you like you enough" and instead he took the "you stink and I'm hangry" approach.

"I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor" "I feel like I'm destined to be the bachelor" - No, dude. If you did, you would have lasted longer in the game in the process.

"I'm tired of talking about sex all the time"..."I just need to have sex"....uhhhh, kay, byeeeeee. Thanks for the unceremonious elimination points.

It's ok, Stanley. He fooled us ALL on draft night.

Kaitlyn is sad but heroic Nick swoops in with his bowtie and saves the day. I hope you know how much it hurts me to praise Nick, but right now, I have to. The kid's got game. He comes over to Kaitlyn and says some pleasant stuff, and suddenly she's all happy again. Magic cheering up abilities are like boyfriend requirement number one numero uno (sorry, I almost forgot we are still in Texas and I need to make sure all the locals can understand this, right ABC? RIGHT?) He pulls the classic "sorry, I'm two whiskeys deep and I'm just really into you" which is how I landed in my last LTR. Smooth, bro.

Shawn B happens to catch a snippet of their makeout session. Cue handsome broody face.

Side bar: I forgot how bad Joshua's hair is from last episode. It's still soo stupid looking. He's like a puppy in the cone-of-shame, trying so hard to shit on the carpet and piss off the humans, but he's just all around hilarious to look at.

His hair is worse than that time I got a perm

Rose Ceremony at the Alamo! I wish we could give out points for "last stand" comments. Triple points for everyone if the rose ceremony takes place in the basement of the Alamo.

Joshua and Justin leave us. Who is Justin, you ask? Good question. I think the dude had like three talking heads all season. If you're going to make it five weeks earning minimal points, the least you can do for us is cry when you leave. No tears are produced by Justin, but that's ok, because Joshua cries enough for the both of them. I hope that limo swings Joshua by a Supercuts on the way to the airport.

LEAGUE UPDATES:
This rose ceremony knocks several teams out of the competition.

• In Chicago Pool #3, Team Gena thought she was in great shape with three contestants still in the game, only to lose all three in about 15 minutes. Team Gena ends the season with an underwhelming 111pts.
• In the Nashville conference, both Team MJ and Team Rachel hung up the towel thanks to Joshua and Justin's poor performance. Team MJ finished her season with 145pts and Team Rachel ended with 128pts. Better luck next season, girls.

Now, on to the next week and first international trip.

Bring on the obnoxious Ireland cliches! Part of me wants to drink at every mention of luck, leprechauns, and four leaf clovers, but I also like my functioning liver, soooo no can do.

Bring on the Guinness!

Nick gets the first foreign one-on-one. His smug smile is backdropped by all the others dudes' dagger eyes. This is great television. The two go walking through Dublin and again we get to see Kaitlyn's quirky-cute absurd fear of birds. Why would you permanently tattoo yourself with your biggest fear? It makes zero sense. I would never dream of tattooing a snake on my arm (for multiple reasons, but at least one of those reasons is that I'm scared of snakes)

OH LOOK, some completely impromptu Irish dancers. What a fantastic coincidental street perfomance. Did Nick get punched in the teeth recently? He has more of a lisp than usual, and it really wouldn't be surprising if one of the other dudes' fist accidentally fell into his upper lip. MVP of tonight's episode: all of the super uncomfortable locals in the background of Kaitlyn and Nick's makeout shots. This is why America is hated all over the world.

The date card is a limerick. Let's pause while I roll my eyes and refill my wine class.

At "dinner" Nick is wearing a square cut tie. It's better than his old scarves but it still makes me hate him with the fire of a thousand tropical Bachelor date suns. Their date is in a church, but what they're about to do is not allowed in churches. ABC, please stahhhp with the whisper subtitles. These whispering moments are filled with comments I do NOT want to hear.

Turn off the mic. TURN IT OFF.

Folks, we're finally here. We've hit the dramatic climax (heh!) of this season, according to all previews. Kaitlyn has to go and be all "I'm an adult woman in charge of my own body" on us by inviting Nick back to her hotel. Yea, ok, maybe sleeping with one dude while you're dating eight is not the most level-headed, fair choice, but it's just that: a choice. She was into him, she chose to do it, whatever. We've all had some form of one night stand, or relationship that suddenly progressed faster than we realized (except for me, Mom! Promise!). Kaitlyn's just happens to be on tape. No one died. No one was called "fake." No harm, no foul. They all are required to get STD tests before the show anyway, so really sleeping with Nick is a lot safer than picking up some dude the Hangge Uppe. There. I'm done. Let's move on.

OH SNAP, we get a nice twist. The other dudes subtly convince Nick that Shawn had already slept with Kaitlyn. The tables really turn and all of a sudden Nick's mood falls from glowing post-coital to glowering pre-temper tantrum. Remember, this is the same bro who made a big stink last season about Andi sleeping with him and not picking him...now he spends some sexy time with a girl when he has a 1/8 chance of being picked. You dug your own jealousy grave, Nick. Speaking of graves...

Today's group date is black tie optional because it's an Irish wake, for someone who is still alive. C'mon producers, there are SO MANY possible cultural cliches to go with, and you chose a morbid cocktail party with the Titanic soundtrack playing in the background? I was expecting some kind of Blarney Stone visit or Guinness factory tour. The boys are instructed to write a eulogy for Kaitlyn. Cheers to never having to listen to exes give my eulogy! Most of the guys spit great lines, and then Ben Z gets super serious. Poor Ben Z is having flashbacks to his mom's funeral...way to go with the sensitivity, ABC. Kaitlyn then calls him a Teddy bear and doesn't even makeout with him. The dude needs a hug. Ben Z, if you're reading, I'm here for ya.

To add to tonight's oddities, Jared is growing on me. Not like fungus-growing, but like Jimmy-Fallon-on-the-Tonight Show-growing. He nails his one-on-one time with K-money. I never thought I would call him charming, but I was wrong. So wrong, in fact: he gets the group date rose and the first live band. Snaps for Jared, and snaps for The Cranberries coming out of retirement to play their one hit song in a church for two people who are slow dancing with their mouths the whole time.

Meanwhile, Shawn B finally cracks and forgets that his mic still works while he talks to his assigned producer. Apparently ABC declined to show us some time when Kaitlyn and Shawn stayed up talking all night and he finally realizes that there are ten whole episodes to a season. Shawn keeps professing his love for her (although no points are earned, since he is not speaking to her and no actual crying is shown). Homeboy goes to her hotel room to interrupt her dinner and talk to her. She's panicking because a) she doesn't have makeup on yet **GASP** and b) he's delaying the only food she's allowed to actually eat all day.

No rose ceremony, AGAIN, but next week looks like a real tear-doozey. Maybe next week's episode will even out the balance of things and we'll get a rose ceremony at the END of the episode, instead of the beginning. Everyone earn some good karma and say your prayers to Chris Harrison, our lord and savior.

Props to Mary Clare again for holding down Twitter. Also, props to Rob for dropping his first "vis a vis" argument of the season via text.

If you survived this week's eliminations, check out your point standings. Are you cheering for a particular guy to survive or crash and burn? Let us know who in the comments.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners