Rachel Week Five & Six: He's Reptileean. He's a Leezard

I'll do my best to keep it brief because ABC has stolen too much time from us already. This two-night-event business is hard on those of us with jobs and social lives, which I have a feeling is not the majority of the fanbase. Thus, we're combining the two eps into one post. Please refer any questions/concerns to your favorite commissioner.

We start Monday night back in Week Four, in the middle of the Hilton Head group date, and Kenny and Lee are back in the middle of their little quarrel. Kenny does his best to stay as calm as possible and it's kind of impressive considering Lee is truly being a piece of shit. Nothing about his personality is attractive.

Will's commentary on the fight discussion is lovely. He's sitting inside evaluating the intensity of Kenny and Lee's pointing. Ultimately, nothing really comes of it all and Bryan gets the group date rose.

Next up is a one-on-one with Jack Stone. Is it possible his teeth got MORE white? He's seriously rocking some #ffffff (heh, nerd joke.)

Real footage of Jack, filmed 1 year ago.

The date is awkward from the start. We've seen this same situation before. He thinks he's killin' it while she's just not that into him. I usually hate the word "chemistry" in this context, but there is about as much chemistry as I demonstrated on the AP Chem test: 0/5.

At "dinner" Jack starts gushing about how into Rachel he is, but he's getting ZERO reciprocation. How do guys not notice when a girl is just NOT feeling it? She's nodding and like half-smiling, but he keeeeeeeps talking and staring at her like he's going to harvest her organs. Jack does not get the date rose and is unceremoniously eliminated.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch hotel, Will finally points out the racist elephant on the set and explains to Lee how offensive calling black men "aggressive" can be. Lee feigns ignorance and continues to be a d-bag. He accuses Kenny of using "the race card" which makes my white skin tingle with shame. Maybe he thinks being the villain will give him Chad-like fame post-show, but Lee's gone too far and no one is going to be interested in the racist southerner who pretended to like a black girl to get on TV. 

Rachel cancels the cocktail party and dives straight into the Rose Ceremony. Her dress is fabulous, so it's a little sad she's wasting it on a short night. That said, I appreciate her efforts to move things along.

The look on her face throughout the entire ceremony is "I'm over this shit." I don't blame her, especially knowing from the previews that the producers are making her keep Lee. Iggy and Tickle Monster get the boot.

Get a real job, Jonathan.

Iggy gives us some exit tears and makes his way to the limo. Tickle Monster gives Rachel one final tickle. So. Gross.

Points at the end of Week Four, for those keeping score at home.

ON TO WEEK 5

Our cast travels from South Carolina to Norway. Although, I highly doubt there's a direct flight from Hilton Head to Oslo. The layovers must have sucked.

I assume Will forgot his razor, because he's grown a Week Five 'stache. Will it help or hurt? 

First international one-on-one is with Bryan. They wander around Oslo then go up a former Olympic ski jump only to rappel down. He kisses her mid-rappel like A PRO. He's smooth, confident, and as Rachel puts it, too good to be true.

Maybe Bryan has a tail or something.

During "dinner" Bryan makes a bold, high-points move by telling Rachel he's "falling in love" with her. My prediction: this guy makes Top 2 but doesn't win. Calling it now.

The next group date is handball, which I know is crazy popular in Norway because our high school Norwegian exchange student told me so. 

Josiah wins joke of the night with a Donald Trump tiny hands dig. He went up a few points in my book, but it's too bad the comment didn't earn any points.

This joke will never die, and I'm ok with that.

Peter spends the whole game getting handsy (his joke, not mine) and flirting with Rachel. PSA FUTURE CONTESTANTS: This is what you're supposed to do on the athletic dates! It's not about winning or even playing; it's about showing you're not an asshole or distracted in competitive environments.

Somewhere in there we cut back to Kenny in the hotel Facetiming with his adorable daughter. He starts crying and it almost makes my dark soul feel emotion. Almost. You can tell he's a good dad.

Back on the date, each guy is doing well and being charming...until Josiah. He tries to be a smooth talker but Rachel sees right through it. It's like he's reading off a script and she astutely points out that he never asks about her. REDDEST OF FLAGS. Hope he has his bags packed.

We all know this type of fuckboy.

Peter lucks out with some hot tub time and the two of them look pretty darn smitten with one another. Rachel then gives the group rose to Will, which pulls the rug out from under Peter. She's keeping him on his toes.

Next, our long-awaited two-on-one provides both Lee and Kenny with First Helicopter Ride points.

Can they rename these dates to something like Enemy Battle or Face Off? Because it's always the two contestants that hate each other the most.

There's a bunch of whining. Kenny continues to accurately call Lee a snake, so ABC tosses in some extra b-roll of a snake from some other season, because there's no way they happened to come up on that snake in Norway. Probably leftover from that Badlands trip a few years back.

Hurry up and slither out of this show, Lee.

Lee is like textbook Bach franchise villain. He's giving zero attention to his relationship with Rachel and is 100% focused on shit talking Kenny.

BREAK FOR A 22 HOUR RECESS

On Tuesday, more bickering and he-said, he-said. Lee straight up lies a few times. Kenny loses his cool and probably makes the record for most censored words in a single scene.

All in all, Rachel dumps Lee and doesn't immediately give Kenny a rose, but does ask him to spend the evening with her. They're almost out of there, but Kenny just has to go back and yell at Lee some more, which Rachel is not at all fond of. Dude, just let. it. go.

My favorite moment of two-on-ones: the removal of Lee's luggage.

Finally.

Later on that night Kenny gets a rose. She's super direct and calls him out on how he annoyed her earlier, but I guess she's still optimistic.

Kenny again calls his daughter and again cries on the phone. It's so precious and makes me sad for when Rachel eventually dumps him.

Rose ceremony is 25 minutes into the ep, which makes me optimistic that we'll get back on formula track with another rose ceremony tonight. No cocktail party again (thanks, girl!).

Josiah's ego is out of control, which makes it extra satisfying when he gets the boot along with Anthony. Neither provides any exit tears, but Josiah does spend a minute too long ranting and calling Alex a KGB agent. Let's move on, shall we?

Maybe this rejection will be good for Josiah.

Anyone with Kenny and/or Lee really raked in the points tonight. Sorry for the rest of us.

Point totals for Week Five of filming The Journey

Week Six takes us to Denmark. Eric gets the first one-on-one and starts strong. They spend a lot of time laughing, which is refreshing.

I'm quite bothered by their constant use of "copen" as a verb for the sake of the Copenhagen pun. Is it supposed to be "coping"? Because that doesn't work in this context. You don't cope to love. Is this some new-fangled slang the kids are saying these days?

*UPDATE: After publishing, several people pointed out that "copen" was a pun on "open" and I'm just super dense.

Apparently, downtown Copenhagen has hot tubs with naked Danish men in them. Eric earns some Hot Tub Points and continues to charm Rachel.

The only hot tub I want to be in.

During "dinner" Eric calls out his mom for not loving him enough. Yikes--hometowns could get awkward.

Eric gets a rose.

Group date is Viking themed and the guys are so into it, especially with the costumes. Alex feels like he's totally in his element. I've written this before, but being OK with costumes is a boyfriend requirement of mine. Not in a gross sex way, but in a "don't be a buzz kill at the costume party" kind of way.

The Viking fighting instructors are goofy and intriguing. Can they stick around, Jorge-in-Paradise style??

The group plays some violent games that culminate in Adam and Kenny battling it out with swords and shields. It gets a little too violent and both guys require medical attention for cuts to the face. Yes, this is the Kenny-bleeding scene ABC tried to fake us out with in previews. The cut was from a friendly fight with Adam, and not a snake bite from Lee. *Cue some strong eyerolls*

Kenny wins the Viking games

Post-fight Kenny starts getting in his head and second guessing his relationship with Rachel. He basically says "cut me, unless you're sure you're going to pick me in the end" so she lets him go. It was a sweet and mutual goodbye. He chose his daughter over Rachel and Rachel appreciates that.

"If my daughter grows up to be like Rachel, I'll know I've done my job." Guys, I might cry.

Stop making me feel things.

Peter gets the group date rose because Peter is end game.

Will goes on the final one-on-one of the week. We're almost there, guys. Bear with me a few more paragraphs.

They hop the border over to Sweden for another passport stamp. They happen upon a planted unsuspecting Swedish couple who gives them advice in broken English. Will's pretty adorable, but something is missing. There are some awkward silences and Will is not the most assertive with the affection. Performance anxiety, maybe? Or maybe he's just choking because his pullover is zipped all the way up to his chin.

Last chance, Will.

At "dinner" he tells her that he has mostly dated white girls, which is his second set of Race Relations points for the week. He also says he's super physical in relationships, which confuses Rachel because he wasn't at all physical with her. Will is Unceremoniously Eliminated due to lack of passion.

We skip another cocktail party (praise Chris Harrison) and get back to the show formula with a rose ceremony closing out the night. Rachel is wearing a gorgeous gown, as always.

For some reason I cannot fathom, she cuts hot Russian Alex and keeps Matt (who even is that?) and Adam (have they ever spoken?) I would have kept him for fantasy suites purposes alone.

Someone give Alex my number.

AND THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. We've made it out the other side of this two-night time suck. Check your points. Many teams are now out of contestants, so check and see if someone won the wine in your pool (cough, Maddie G, cough.)

Week Six totals

Love, Exhaustion and Roses
Julie

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JoJo Week Three(cont.): Oh, PocoNO You Didn't!

Welcome back to the out-of-whack schedule that everyone hates but that we still tolerate because this show controls our lives. ABC has once again decided to monopolize my week with episodes on back-to-back nights. I had to cancel so many important, wild, social Tuesday night plans to watch this episode (JK I had to put down my cross stitch and stop petting my dog.)

What's so wrong with episode formulas?

We pick up where we left off, at the pool party. Everyone thinks that Chad is about to announce that he's leaving. PSYCHE, he's just explaining his poor behavior in a way that makes sense to absolutely no one except Chad.

Evan: "Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology."
Chad: "Counteroffer: I'll give you twenty bucks and punch you in the face."

During that whole conversation Evan was so incredulous but mostly just spastic. Wells jumps in with his tiny shorts and level headed opinions. Such an adorable voice of reason. I think it's very brave of him because if Wells spoke his mind and Chad didn't agree, Wells would be dead in appx .3 seconds.

Pool party! Everyone strip! And put on sunscreen! (Off camera, tho, because sunscreen is for nerds)

My kind of pool party

JoJo: "It's been a little stressful this week. Hopefully the pool party will take the edge off and not make the guys insane and jealous."
^famous last words

They do normal pool party activities like having chicken fights and sneakily checking out the only bikini-clad girl present. You know, the usj.

The guys do a cute little diving stunt for JoJo. Evan gets a nosebleed. Classic Evan.

JoJo is skeptical about Jordan. She thinks he may be too good to be true, and rightly so! YOU GO, GLEN JOJO. YOU ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU NEED. But seriously, ask him some questions. Making out with Jordan will not get you any information whatsoever. If you're gonna marry the guy you're gonna need to talk to him.

Chad has his first verbal altercation of MANY during this episode. This one's with Derek. Derek holds his own like a damn man during this confrontation. My ovaries are exploding right now. Derek I love you but your lapels need some work.

We finally get a rose ceremony. She chooses all the predictables and then Chad, yes Chad, the psychotic altercation-point-MVP gets the final rose of the night. That is a producer planted rose if I've ever seen one. We get at least one more week of his antics, which is good for the league but makes NO SENSE for JoJo. Ali, Christian and Nick B go home. Not at all surprised, but def disappointed.

Killin' me.

League rules reminder: All rose ceremony points went under "Week 3." Moving forward through the next rose ceremony, whenever that may be, will be "Week 4." This means your Week 3 points changed from yesterday.

The crew travels to exotic Pennsylvania for their first destination of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Pocono Mountains and Amish people, but I have a sneaking suspicion from all the hotel name drops that JoJo didn't pick this locale.

Luke gets first one-on-one. They wander through the forest and arrive at....wait for it... the First Hot Tub of the season! It's a wood fire hot tub which requires Luke to chop some wood first. By design, this activity gets his muscles all toned and bulging for his shirtlessness. He picks her up like no man has ever been able to pick me up and daintily places her in the scalding water.

These two might be LOVAHS afterall.

Side note, Luke wins an award for most un-photogenic. His contestant photo looked hella crooked, but in all of these film shots his face is of a normal layout. Seriously, did he have pink eye when they took that? In any case, I now have him on my short list of front runners.

AM I WRONG?

Luke gets all personal and does the whole "open up" thing. He shows some depth, tells a heartbreaking story and makes me and JoJo swoon. He's got this broody country boy thing going on and we're all diggin' it. Luke gets a rose.

JoJo takes Luke go to a Ben and Jay Jan and Ray Dan and Shay concert where EVERY SINGLE ATTENDEE has their phone up. I couldn't pay attention to anything else that was going on because I was having flashbacks of all concerts I've had to watch though the phone of Suzie Social Media standing in front of me. Put your phone down and let love happen!

The group date is at Heinz Field (that's a football stadium, for you non-ESPNers). Jordan is foaming at the mouth hoping for another tryout. The guys start to get a little violent and sweetheart James Taylor gets his face smashed so hard that he needs stitches. He's looking a hot mess and does his best to stick it out. Note to the producers, we love these Medical Attention points. Next season you should try rugby or UFC.

While the rest of the guys are on the date, Chad, Alex and Luke are hanging out, yelling at each other at the hotel. Casual vacation activities for most families. Alex keeps poking the Chad-shaped bear with very passive aggressive questions.

Back in Football Land the guys play a game of touch football featuring Jordan as the all-time peacock quarterback. These guys are straight up terrible. Did JoJo list "bad at sports" as one of her preferences in men? Magically, the all-injured team wins so Evan, Jordan, James T, Robby and Derek get to spend more time with JoJo tonight.

Evan continues to show his Dorky Dad colors. He seems to have a permanent bloody nose. I thought Evan was going home on the first night, so I'm flabbergasted he's made it this far.

On the date, my team cash cow, Jordan, gets Falling for You points! Reminder: these points go to the first man to tell JoJo that he is "falling in love with her" or "falling for her." Naturally, this earns him the date MVP rose! He's single handedly carrying my team like he carried the football date.

The next day, prior to our two-on-one date, Chad chooses Jordan to take out his nervous anger on. Jordan makes one sass-tastic comment and Chad flips his Mr. Hyde switch and starts threatening to hunt Jordan down Taken-style after this Journey is complete. I can't even laugh at this anymore because Chad very clearly needs some professional help.

Now that Chad's in such a great mood, he gets to go on a two-on-one date with his BFFL Alex. Slight upside: both guys earn First Helicopter points!

The date is a hike in the woods and the tension could be cut with a pocket knife. I'm hiding under a blanket due to the third party awkwardness. Chad and Alex want to murder each other, and you can tell both are looking around at all the potential weapons in the woods around them.

Alex warns JoJo that she's dating a psychopath. She's all "are you sure he's not a sociopath?" Immediately following her chat with Alex, she straight up tells Chad about the Alex shit-talking. She's pretty much feeding Alex to a rabid bear. Chad's eyes go black and I think his head spun around once. JoJo is acting surprised as if all Chads aren't like this.

Chad's vampire/killer transition ^
Side note, I've been looking for an excuse to use a Buffy gif for YEARS. Thanks, Chad.

JoJo gives the default rose to Alex, shocking no one. Chad is left wandering the forest in the night, Deliverance-style. He wanders all the way back to the contestant lodge where...the episode cuts.

We have to wait two weeks for the next episode because ABC has no respect for my emotional stability.

Huge points week, y'all. Anyone with Chad/Evan/Alex scored BIG on altercation points. I refuse to draft Chads on principle and Evan reminded me of Larry the Lesbian, so needless to say, Julie's Juiceheads are starting their decline.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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