Ben H Week Five: Rock Out With Your Caucus Out

*turns on TV*

*sees George Stephanopoulos talking about Iowa caucus instead of Chris Harrison telling me what's happening "tonight...on the Bachelor"*

*throws remote at TV in a blind rage*

George: "Thanks for tuning into the Iowa caucus. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming, which is world news for most people, but for some eejit peasants (that's you and me), it's The Bachelor."

Another note: We learned last night that our Roses to Riches blog is considered NSFW at ComEd. It's blocked and Rachel is not able to read at work! I am so sorry. But at the same time I feel so validated as a writer. Apparently making it big isn’t about getting published, it’s about getting censored.

Let's begin. VIVA LA MEXICO! So many crop tops. You can tell that the penny pinching during Chris and Kaitlyn's seasons paid off because ABC is finally on track budget-wise. We've had 3 or 4 airplane/helicopter rides, hot tubs in the desert, and we're traveling internationally in week 5. This is The Bachelor I know and love. Welcome back.

Emily (the twin who didn't get dumped in front of her mom): I'm so excited to really start The Process with Ben now that I don’t have Haley anything holding me back.

Amanda the MILF gets the first one-on-one. YESSSSS Ben pulls my favorite Bachelor move of all and goes into the girls' room at 4:30 am for a surprise wake up call, which is the worst kind of wake up call. I LOVE watching them freak out when Ben sees their faces for what they really are. He shines an obnoxiously bright light at them and it backfires when the reflection from Metal Mouth's, I mean Lauren H's, retainer blinds him forever.

Orthodontia for the right reasons

Side note: does the Bachelorette ever do this? I totally would but I can't recall one recently. If you've seen it happen pls alert me in the comments.

Someone definitely tipped Amanda off that her date was going to start super early, because while all the other girls were screaming and hiding their faces in their pillows, Amanda just sits up calmly, in full makeup, and says "oh good morning, Ben" like the Disney animal character she is. She for sure woke up like 2 hours before, stealthily got ready, and crawled back into bed in the nick of time.

While she's off hot air ballooning, we see Olivia (a known betch) Lauren H (a secret betch and possibly super racist) discussing Amanda's children. These girls are such amateurs. Referring to kids as baggage (which they do) is a one way ticket off the show. And if you express that feeling to anyone it will get back to Ben. GIRLS. FREAKING DUH. Ugh they are so dumb it hurts.

Meanwhile, Amanda says she can't stop smiling but her face is not really smiling.

After they go hot air ballooning they talk about her past. I wish she didn’t use Botox because otherwise I really like her. Doesn't she know she's beautiful the way she is? Someone show this girl a Dove commercial STAT. Also I’m 95% sure she is outfit repeating tonight and clearly does not give two shits about it. Major props. #capsulewardrobe

Ben bringing the kids back into this conversation about Amanda's ex is such a strong move and shows a lot about Ben's character. I think someone rang our doorbell at this point and ruined the moment because I don't have any more notes about that. But it was nice. She gets the rose.

The group date is Emily, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Jennifer, Olivia and one other one I can't remember. Help? Emily’s occupation is still twin.

Ben and the girls take a Spanish class to prep for their cooking challenge. They learn useful culinary phrases like "I want to kiss you" and "I love you." The r-rolling technique is perfected by just motor boating the air.

The cooking class begins and the chefs give them a dumbed down version of the importance of food in Mexican culture.

Chef 1: There's a saying that a woman is ready to get married once she knows how to cook.
Chef 2: BUT IT'S A VERY OLD STYLE WAY OF THINKING SO PLZ DON'T SUE US FOR SAYING THAT.

Ben: "I'm no longer the Bachelor...I'm the Spachelor!"
Chris Harrison: "Get out."

They divide into pairs for a cooking challenge. Olivia snatches up Ben immediately for her team, surprising no one.

Olivia: "Ben can you be on my team?"
Ben: "I can be on anyone's team. Literally anyone. Anyone?!?!"
Olivia: "I’m so obsessed with you. Today was the best day ever."
Ben: "It was aight."

Olivia is all four hippos at once.

Lauren B and Jubilee win the contest, but it means nothing because we know that on this show talent gets you nowhere.

Lucky for Lauren B she redeems herself in other ways, namely by looking amaze in her outfit. It must be so hard to be 90 lbs. Good for Lauren B for bringing her A game though, it's definitely working. Ben takes her to a special spot away from the group so they can snog.

Jubilee not so jubilant this week. Her insecurities really get the better of her during this episode and she completely self-destructs. First she rejects Ben's hand hold attempt. Burn. Then it gets awkward and Ben just ends up sending her home unceremoniously. I feel bad for Jubilee. I really liked her but she was not right for the show. Also, I did not appreciate her "I'm so unlovable" comment in her exit interview because that was Ben's biggest selling point so now Jubilee trying to claim it as her own weakness kind of invalidates her. Bummer dude.

Kendra Scott is getting so much free publicity this season.

Ben goes back to the girls to tell them about Jubilee and JoJo steals him mid sentence. What a power move. We learn surmise that Ben has been stealing second base by putting his jacket on the girls!

Sneaky, Ben.

Ben gives the date rose to Olivia, shocking everyone in our living room and sending the girls into a tizzy. Shit's about to go DOWN.

Lauren H gets the last one-on-one. Guess Ben doesn't mind the retainer. Probably because he had one too when he was in high school last year. Lauren H's accent is insufferable and makes it hard to take her seriously. Sam and I spend the entire date repeating her atrocious pronunciations.

Ben and Lauren H try on hideous designer clothes and then they get surprise-entered into Mexico City Fashion Week show, which only proves how low stakes Mexico City Fashion Week is. The biggest takeaway from the runway show is that Ben is, hands down, the sexiest winker in the history of winkers. I am not ashamed to admit that we rewatched it about seven times. However, I am ashamed to admit that the second biggest takeaway was learning that I took part in a winking contest on Saturday night. I have no memory of this contest. Apparently I'm not exactly the "wink and a smile" type. I'm more of the "wink and a smile and two finger points and a high five" type. So there's that.

Also Lauren H walks weird.
Rob: "There are bigger sins than the way she walks."
Me: "For example, the way she talks."

Rob's walk was a little wobbly too...

Lauren H gets the rose.

During the cocktail party, Olivia tells Amanda that her life is an episode of Teen Mom. Her backtracking explanation is, "I’m learning so much about myself." Olivia, get your fat cankles out of your mouth.

Emily falls on the sword and is the first of three girls to warn Ben about Olivia. All three earn those most noble of points.

Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Olivia.

Emily: "I hate Olivia and her tacky, poorly constructed prom dress. It’s okay to say that." Preach, gurl.

We're left with a cliff hanger and PTSD from last season. To distract ourselves we spent the next half hour on hold with Bachelor Live, hoping to ask Ben, "DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ASPIRING CATWALK WINKERS?" I really need help. Unfortunately we did not make it onto the show.

Will Ben take away Olivia's rose? Who will be sent home? We'll find out next week. Rose points for that ceremony will apply to this week's totals, and points will accrue normally thenceforth. Please note, at that point we will be down to a single digit roster of ladies, which means the roses will begin to increase in value by one point each week.

Check your scores and standings, talk smack with your teams. And if you feel compelled, share this on social media with your friends! We love having fans.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Four: Attack of the Awko Taco

I apologize if this post is a little disjointed. I'm still in hangover recovery from last week's commissioner reunion. If that sentence confuses you, read last week's post.

Welcome back to The Olivia Show. ABC's editors are having a field day with Olivia soundbites this episode. If I had to estimate airtime, I'd say about 60% of the show is dedicated to her. Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior, only gets like 5%, which is FAR TOO LITTLE. Need more Chris Harrison.

Miss you, boo.

"Ben is my piece" - Olivia.
"Please mean Slam Piece! Damn, she means calm 'peace.' What a waste." - Me.

Before we get too deep into the episode, let's pause for a message about one of ABC's sponsors. Manwich is the worst show sponsor I can imagine. Yea, the brand name has "man" in it, but serving Manwich sloppy joes is a sure-fire way to lose love instead of find it. Can we have a job placement agency or more Neil Lane instead? Manwich's commercial makes my eyes hurt from rolling so hard.

Back to our regularly scheduled recap:

The twins show off how homogenous they are. They live together, work together, speak together, and even coordinate outfits together. They put no effort into differentiating themselves, and methinks this will come back to haunt them.

JoJo gets the first one-on-one date of the week in Vegas. She gets a cocktail followed by a helicopter ride. Some intern forgot to secure the champagne so it falls and shatters when the helicopter lands. Rookie mistake. You're demoted to Are You the One. Ben asks about JoJo's last relationship and she's super vague about what happened. "Did he cheat on you?" "Well, I wasn't the only person involved...there were trust issues..." She then tells the producer how proud she is of opening up and that she deserves a cookie. The date ends in fireworks and JoJo gets a rose.

Cut to Olivia World, where homegirl is crazy confident for the first three minutes of the show, but after seeing Ben kiss JoJo she realizes that her life ISN'T one big Truman-show type sitch and she flips out.

Next we get a group date. It's the classic humiliate-yourself-in-front-of-a-crowd date that usually happens about this far into the season. The girls have to resurrect their old beauty pageant routines in a "talent" show.

"Crap, I have no talent!" We know. That's why you're on the Bachelor, hun.

Jubilee plays the cello, proving once again that she's the most accomplished and therefore out-of-place contestant. She reminds me of Sharleen in that she's too intelligent for this show.

The twins Irish dance without name tags. Again, no differentiation.
We also have a juggler, hula hooper, balloon animal creator, girl in a chicken suit, and a pogo stick-rider-person.

Olivia has some kind of secret "talent" she's concealing from the girls. SURPRISE! It's nakedness. She wears a showgirl outfit and performs dance moves my mother trademarked at the last family wedding. Her talent is giving other people third party embarrassment. About 10 minutes after the talent show she freaks the shit out and pulls the fake panic attack card to mask her humiliation. Unfortunately, no medical personnel make an appearance, so no points are awarded.

Sexy.

Later that night things get delightfully raunchy. Ben calls Caila a Sex Panther (see you in the fantasy suite, gurrrrl) and the kindergarten teacher gifts us a penis joke ("Little Ben is bigger than I expected...").

Meanwhile, Olivia spends all of her time fishing for compliments. He obliges for a little while. She gets interrupted and then we get another look at her mouth fixation. Later on she comes back to have an awkward attack. She vomits her self esteem spasm all over him and continues her terrible dance routine.

Jim Halpert for next Bachelor.

Out of all of this, Lauren B gets the rose.

Becca gets the next one-on-one.  Dress code is Wedding Casual. Is Becca’s wedding dress from Jessica McClintock? Regardless, she's rockin' some Jared Leto hair.

The best part of Becca dates is all the Virginity Points! These points are new this season, and they're awarded to any contestant who discusses virginity, whether it's their own or another person's. Jubilee and Becca both get Virginity Points tonight.

Instead of getting married and obnoxiously playing Going to the Chapel of Love by the Dixie Cups, Ben's ordained and they marry other people. It's pretty cute in a hijacking-other-people's-moments kind of way. Becca is even wearing a shade of white to really emphasize that people's life moments don't matter unless they're shown on television. Best part of the date is the super awko taco (yes, using it as much as possible) kiss from the two anonymous Asians.

Love is a farse, kids.

Later they go to the Neon Museum / junk yard.

"Can she love? Can she feel? Can she commit?" I've been saying for seasons that Becca is a robot, and Ben is now on the same wavelength.

Ben brings up the virgin elephant in the room and I love his direct style. He just straight up asks her if his sex-having past is an issue. He even uses the phrase "jump their bones." I'm in love. No really, he's making me swoon. Becca gets a rose and meanwhile I'm gassing up my car to go steal Ben away.

Back at the ranch suite, Chris Harrison walks in to a room full of unmade-up girls. The twins get a surprise two-on-one, which is the best kind of two-on-one. They wear the same color in case they need to pull an Olsen-style switcheroo.

Pause: Can you imagine if he picked one and did a hometown date with her eventually? Would he have to have that sit down with the other?

He sees their bedrooms and hangs out with their mom. Ben drops Haley and keeps Emily. If my last boyfriend had broken up with me in front of my mother, he'd be leaving the house in pieces, not a limo. Consider yourself spared, Ben.

Actual footage of the twins' mom.

On the special rose ceremony edition of the Olivia show, she steals time to continue fishing for compliments and rehashing her past embarrassment. He's sending all possible "please stop talking" signals. The editors cut to Olivia's talking head between every rose, which I'm really getting tired of.

Amber and unemployed girl go home. Amber partakes in the traditional Removal of the Heals. Maybe third time's the charm, Amber. See ya next season!

During the credits we get a glimpse into "The Cookie Game" with Caila. Apparently eating snacks without having to move your arms is a sport and I finally have a shot at being an olympic athlete.

Points are up. Check your teams. We have a few folks hanging on by a thread.

Send in your watch party photos and best quotes! We'd love to feature more of the league on weekly blog posts. We're also open for guest bloggers. Call us, beep us if you want to reach us, folks.

Love & Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner

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