Ben H Week Five: Rock Out With Your Caucus Out

*turns on TV*

*sees George Stephanopoulos talking about Iowa caucus instead of Chris Harrison telling me what's happening "tonight...on the Bachelor"*

*throws remote at TV in a blind rage*

George: "Thanks for tuning into the Iowa caucus. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming, which is world news for most people, but for some eejit peasants (that's you and me), it's The Bachelor."

Another note: We learned last night that our Roses to Riches blog is considered NSFW at ComEd. It's blocked and Rachel is not able to read at work! I am so sorry. But at the same time I feel so validated as a writer. Apparently making it big isn’t about getting published, it’s about getting censored.

Let's begin. VIVA LA MEXICO! So many crop tops. You can tell that the penny pinching during Chris and Kaitlyn's seasons paid off because ABC is finally on track budget-wise. We've had 3 or 4 airplane/helicopter rides, hot tubs in the desert, and we're traveling internationally in week 5. This is The Bachelor I know and love. Welcome back.

Emily (the twin who didn't get dumped in front of her mom): I'm so excited to really start The Process with Ben now that I don’t have Haley anything holding me back.

Amanda the MILF gets the first one-on-one. YESSSSS Ben pulls my favorite Bachelor move of all and goes into the girls' room at 4:30 am for a surprise wake up call, which is the worst kind of wake up call. I LOVE watching them freak out when Ben sees their faces for what they really are. He shines an obnoxiously bright light at them and it backfires when the reflection from Metal Mouth's, I mean Lauren H's, retainer blinds him forever.

Orthodontia for the right reasons

Side note: does the Bachelorette ever do this? I totally would but I can't recall one recently. If you've seen it happen pls alert me in the comments.

Someone definitely tipped Amanda off that her date was going to start super early, because while all the other girls were screaming and hiding their faces in their pillows, Amanda just sits up calmly, in full makeup, and says "oh good morning, Ben" like the Disney animal character she is. She for sure woke up like 2 hours before, stealthily got ready, and crawled back into bed in the nick of time.

While she's off hot air ballooning, we see Olivia (a known betch) Lauren H (a secret betch and possibly super racist) discussing Amanda's children. These girls are such amateurs. Referring to kids as baggage (which they do) is a one way ticket off the show. And if you express that feeling to anyone it will get back to Ben. GIRLS. FREAKING DUH. Ugh they are so dumb it hurts.

Meanwhile, Amanda says she can't stop smiling but her face is not really smiling.

After they go hot air ballooning they talk about her past. I wish she didn’t use Botox because otherwise I really like her. Doesn't she know she's beautiful the way she is? Someone show this girl a Dove commercial STAT. Also I’m 95% sure she is outfit repeating tonight and clearly does not give two shits about it. Major props. #capsulewardrobe

Ben bringing the kids back into this conversation about Amanda's ex is such a strong move and shows a lot about Ben's character. I think someone rang our doorbell at this point and ruined the moment because I don't have any more notes about that. But it was nice. She gets the rose.

The group date is Emily, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Jennifer, Olivia and one other one I can't remember. Help? Emily’s occupation is still twin.

Ben and the girls take a Spanish class to prep for their cooking challenge. They learn useful culinary phrases like "I want to kiss you" and "I love you." The r-rolling technique is perfected by just motor boating the air.

The cooking class begins and the chefs give them a dumbed down version of the importance of food in Mexican culture.

Chef 1: There's a saying that a woman is ready to get married once she knows how to cook.
Chef 2: BUT IT'S A VERY OLD STYLE WAY OF THINKING SO PLZ DON'T SUE US FOR SAYING THAT.

Ben: "I'm no longer the Bachelor...I'm the Spachelor!"
Chris Harrison: "Get out."

They divide into pairs for a cooking challenge. Olivia snatches up Ben immediately for her team, surprising no one.

Olivia: "Ben can you be on my team?"
Ben: "I can be on anyone's team. Literally anyone. Anyone?!?!"
Olivia: "I’m so obsessed with you. Today was the best day ever."
Ben: "It was aight."

Olivia is all four hippos at once.

Lauren B and Jubilee win the contest, but it means nothing because we know that on this show talent gets you nowhere.

Lucky for Lauren B she redeems herself in other ways, namely by looking amaze in her outfit. It must be so hard to be 90 lbs. Good for Lauren B for bringing her A game though, it's definitely working. Ben takes her to a special spot away from the group so they can snog.

Jubilee not so jubilant this week. Her insecurities really get the better of her during this episode and she completely self-destructs. First she rejects Ben's hand hold attempt. Burn. Then it gets awkward and Ben just ends up sending her home unceremoniously. I feel bad for Jubilee. I really liked her but she was not right for the show. Also, I did not appreciate her "I'm so unlovable" comment in her exit interview because that was Ben's biggest selling point so now Jubilee trying to claim it as her own weakness kind of invalidates her. Bummer dude.

Kendra Scott is getting so much free publicity this season.

Ben goes back to the girls to tell them about Jubilee and JoJo steals him mid sentence. What a power move. We learn surmise that Ben has been stealing second base by putting his jacket on the girls!

Sneaky, Ben.

Ben gives the date rose to Olivia, shocking everyone in our living room and sending the girls into a tizzy. Shit's about to go DOWN.

Lauren H gets the last one-on-one. Guess Ben doesn't mind the retainer. Probably because he had one too when he was in high school last year. Lauren H's accent is insufferable and makes it hard to take her seriously. Sam and I spend the entire date repeating her atrocious pronunciations.

Ben and Lauren H try on hideous designer clothes and then they get surprise-entered into Mexico City Fashion Week show, which only proves how low stakes Mexico City Fashion Week is. The biggest takeaway from the runway show is that Ben is, hands down, the sexiest winker in the history of winkers. I am not ashamed to admit that we rewatched it about seven times. However, I am ashamed to admit that the second biggest takeaway was learning that I took part in a winking contest on Saturday night. I have no memory of this contest. Apparently I'm not exactly the "wink and a smile" type. I'm more of the "wink and a smile and two finger points and a high five" type. So there's that.

Also Lauren H walks weird.
Rob: "There are bigger sins than the way she walks."
Me: "For example, the way she talks."

Rob's walk was a little wobbly too...

Lauren H gets the rose.

During the cocktail party, Olivia tells Amanda that her life is an episode of Teen Mom. Her backtracking explanation is, "I’m learning so much about myself." Olivia, get your fat cankles out of your mouth.

Emily falls on the sword and is the first of three girls to warn Ben about Olivia. All three earn those most noble of points.

Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Olivia.

Emily: "I hate Olivia and her tacky, poorly constructed prom dress. It’s okay to say that." Preach, gurl.

We're left with a cliff hanger and PTSD from last season. To distract ourselves we spent the next half hour on hold with Bachelor Live, hoping to ask Ben, "DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ASPIRING CATWALK WINKERS?" I really need help. Unfortunately we did not make it onto the show.

Will Ben take away Olivia's rose? Who will be sent home? We'll find out next week. Rose points for that ceremony will apply to this week's totals, and points will accrue normally thenceforth. Please note, at that point we will be down to a single digit roster of ladies, which means the roses will begin to increase in value by one point each week.

Check your scores and standings, talk smack with your teams. And if you feel compelled, share this on social media with your friends! We love having fans.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner