Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right?
Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…
Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.
“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben
Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.
Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.
Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.
Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!
Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.
Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.
During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.
Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.
“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila
They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.
Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.
Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.
Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.
At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick.
They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.
At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.
Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”
That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.
During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.
….Or is it???
Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.
“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah
Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports
As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.
Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.
Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.
After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.
There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:
The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.
I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.
Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love andJARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!
Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.
Love and roses and pigs,
Emily
Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!
Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…
Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.
“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben
 |
| Olivia has no regrets or ragrets. |
Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.
Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.
 |
| Vamos a la playa. |
Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.
Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.
During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.
Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.
“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila
They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.
Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.
Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.
Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.
At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick.
They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.
At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.
Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”
That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.
During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.
….Or is it???
Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.
 |
| Don't we all, Ron? |
Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports
As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.
Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.
Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.
After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.
There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:
 |
| U R so beautiful...to me. |
I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.
Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and
Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.
Love and roses and pigs,
Emily
Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!
Oh ems you witty devil you.
ReplyDeleteI've been using "I don't know, a pig is coming over" for years now! I'm glad it's finally getting some traction.
ReplyDelete