Ben H Week Seven: What Came from Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas

Hello, Bachelor nation! Guest columnist Rob here blogging from the mean streets of Chicago. If you've never had the pleasure of watching an episode of The Bachelor with the league at The Nest, it's quite an experience. Wine is in abundance. Earplugs are necessary.

As the solitary straight man in attendance this past week, I feel it is my duty to give my take on this week's episode with an honest eye. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins in Warsaw, IN. Like most places in Indiana, the settlers of the town were lazy and just decided to name it after some other place in the world. Also, fun fact: I once puked in Warsaw, IN but that's a story for another post on another blog.

It's Meet-Ben's-Parents week (for one of the girls at least, more on that later) and we see Ben greet them in the local greasy spoon. They seem like wholesome, God-fearing Americans so all seems right with the world. Ben goes through a rundown of all the girls left and Ben's mom is like, "wait, what? one of them has two kids? I ain't ready to be an insta-gram."

The women check in to the nicest Air BnB within a fifty mile radius and for some reason tell us they love Warsaw, IN. This is perhaps the most confusing part of the episode.

Pawnee = Warsaw.

Ben greets the ladies and then asks out Lauren for a coveted one-on-one in front of everyone. This is taken as an affront to the rest of the women and tears are had.

I hear a wine bottle pop next to me and we are well underway here at The Nest.

BYOWine is how we roll.

Ben gives Lauren the world-renowned tour of Warsaw and they hit all the must-see stops. The old movie theater where he had his first kiss. His high school. And finally the Baker Youth Club.

Alright, let's cut the snark. This date was awesome. Lauren and Ben really hit it off and seemed to have a genuine connection. If I was a gambling man (wait, I am), I'd put all my money on Lauren winning. Also, how great is Ben with kids?! He sat down with a kid who was crying and comforted him. HE'S A SAINT. And Lauren was ~loving it~. I'm fairly confident she was ready to jump him right there and procreate on the spot.

Then some wizard of a child sinks a half court shot like he's Steph Curry and Ben has to kiss Lauren in front of all the children of the corn. Adorable.

Ronnie, all day err day.

Ben and Lauren then pretended to have dinner and chatted about how THAT BITCH (can I say that here?) tried to steamroll over their connection last week. Praise God everything seems back on track for them to have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

Back at the AirBnB, a letter arrives and Jojo is the lucky lady who snags a one-on-one. Seriously, Jojo. Go by anything but Jojo. You're not a backup dancer for Prince. I digress... It's off to Chicago we go! Hey, I live there!

Jojo and Ben straddle each other on Clark Street and then go to Wrigley Field for a dream date complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. I don't know about you but I would find that creepy. The audience at The Nest did not think so, commenting: 

"He looks good in a Cubs jersey...or anything."

"Or nothing."

But it gets better! After frolicking on the field and being master batters, Ben treats Jojo, who I reiterate is not a backup dancer for Prince, to faux dinner on the field. This elicited the following reaction from the crowd at home:

"Are you freaking kidding me?" (that's jealousy, for all you non-Chicagoans/Cubs fans)

Jojo explains to Ben that she's scared by how much she cares about him. Note to everyone ever: if someone says this to you, RUN.

Cut to Warsaw and the rest of the women are giving Lauren the resting bitch face because she's still glowing from her date with Ben. A card is delivered and ...wait for it... it's a group date! Caila, Amanda, and Becca are chosen which means that Emily, who's "pretty but just has a weird face," gets a one-on-one. Emily and her oxymoron of a face proceed to cry ugly tears of joy.

We then see Caila, Amanda, and Becca standing on a dock and Ben pulling up in a boat on a small lake that sometimes catches fire because it's in freaking Warsaw, IN. The four of them get into row boats two by two and proceed to spin in circles because the complexities of rowing a boat are beyond all of them. This is by far the worst group date ever and I swear, Caila and Amanda are automatons. I don't see why they're still here. Caila's time with Ben is always excruciating to watch and the fact that he *thinks* there's a connection there makes me think Caila's meandering and confusing non-answers to his questions have put a spell on him. Seriously. “I picture myself as moss, and I’ve always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with.” Good talk.

Becca, who is a smokeshow, lays it all on the line and tells Ben not to blindside her. This interaction in the middle of a fallow Indiana corn field brought forth the following line from the peanut gallery: 

"They're either gonna break up or have sex right now."

Probably not the latter, because, Becca.

Amanda inhales three balloons of helium and then pretends that she can show emotions through her Botox injected face. People, she's in her 20s. At this rate she'll look like Joan Rivers by 35.

Ben is then faced with the tough decision of giving one rose out. This is a biggie since it means the rest of the day will be a one-on-one and he will meet the girl's family next week. I have no idea why but he gives the rose to Amanda. Becca and Caila are devastated.

Since we've already spent ten minutes too many in Warsaw, IN and have run out of places to see, Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's for the rest of their date. This actually happened.

To make it abundantly clear that the bachelor has sold its soul to the Kroc family, Ben and Amanda share a French fry kiss in the style of Lady and the Tramp. Somewhere, Walt Disney weeps.

Next we have an uneventful one-on-one with Emily and Ben. Lolz jk it's a shitshow. Emily wears what I can only describe as stripper jeans and then proceeds to tell Ben's mom that she's "dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember" following that gem up with, "I feel like I'm average at everything in life."

This is so incomprehensibly stupid that there are no words in the English language sufficient to describe what has just happened. If Las Vegas was to take the form of a human being, it would be Emily.

Ben's mom then cries when she talks with Ben because Emily is so terrible. Everything that occurred on this date made me uncomfortable. One onlooker was quoted as saying, "She's like Taylor Swift smashed together with Sarah Palin." An apt comparison.

Ben and Emily leave and praise Chris Harrison that date is over. Ben then sits on the dock by their AirBnB and tells Emily she's the worst while the rest of the girls look on from the house. #ColdBlooded.

Finally we reach the rose ceremony and Ben looks DISTRAUGHT. It's looking like a photo finish for the last rose between Caila and Becca. We all know Lauren is gonna get one because she's #thebest and Amanda already has one because Ben meeting children makes for good TV. Jojo is just there so whatever.

Boom. Lauren B gets a rose.

Boom. Jojo gets a rose.

#DRAMATICMUSIC

BOOM. Caila gets a rose.

~and the crowd goes wild...with anger~

Becca walks away with Ben, which autocorrects to barn sometimes, and speaking for the rest of America asks, "Why did you do that?"

Ben, knowing he made a mistake, can't really come up with a coherent answer. As a straight man, I know why this occurred. WE ARE DUMB AND MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES. Unfortunately for Ben, his mistake cost him a smokeshow in front of millions of screaming fans at home across North America.

In summation, Ben is an idiot and shouldn't have chosen Caila. She's the worst and her name looks like the word Cialis. Lauren is an angel sent from heaven and will win. Jojo really needs to pick a different name to go by, and Amanda sounds like she's inhaled helium at all times. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.

Love and Roses,

Rob
Straight, Male, First Time League Participant

HUGE thank you to Rob for writing this week's post! If you thought it was funny, which you should because it was, follow him on Twitter for more hilarity (@_ob_yan). Teams and standings are up to date! Some teams who are already out still have a chance of making the podium, which would be a first in Roses to Riches history. Let's make history, people. Love you all.

At least Twimily went down swingin'.