Welcome back to The Olivia Show. ABC's editors are having a field day with Olivia soundbites this episode. If I had to estimate airtime, I'd say about 60% of the show is dedicated to her. Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior, only gets like 5%, which is FAR TOO LITTLE. Need more Chris Harrison.
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| Miss you, boo. |
"Please mean Slam Piece! Damn, she means calm 'peace.' What a waste." - Me.
Before we get too deep into the episode, let's pause for a message about one of ABC's sponsors. Manwich is the worst show sponsor I can imagine. Yea, the brand name has "man" in it, but serving Manwich sloppy joes is a sure-fire way to lose love instead of find it. Can we have a job placement agency or more Neil Lane instead? Manwich's commercial makes my eyes hurt from rolling so hard.
Back to our regularly scheduled recap:
The twins show off how homogenous they are. They live together, work together, speak together, and even coordinate outfits together. They put no effort into differentiating themselves, and methinks this will come back to haunt them.
JoJo gets the first one-on-one date of the week in Vegas. She gets a cocktail followed by a helicopter ride. Some intern forgot to secure the champagne so it falls and shatters when the helicopter lands. Rookie mistake. You're demoted to Are You the One. Ben asks about JoJo's last relationship and she's super vague about what happened. "Did he cheat on you?" "Well, I wasn't the only person involved...there were trust issues..." She then tells the producer how proud she is of opening up and that she deserves a cookie. The date ends in fireworks and JoJo gets a rose.
Cut to Olivia World, where homegirl is crazy confident for the first three minutes of the show, but after seeing Ben kiss JoJo she realizes that her life ISN'T one big Truman-show type sitch and she flips out.
Next we get a group date. It's the classic humiliate-yourself-in-front-of-a-crowd date that usually happens about this far into the season. The girls have to resurrect their old beauty pageant routines in a "talent" show.
"Crap, I have no talent!" We know. That's why you're on the Bachelor, hun.
Jubilee plays the cello, proving once again that she's the most accomplished and therefore out-of-place contestant. She reminds me of Sharleen in that she's too intelligent for this show.
The twins Irish dance without name tags. Again, no differentiation.
We also have a juggler, hula hooper, balloon animal creator, girl in a chicken suit, and a pogo stick-rider-person.
Olivia has some kind of secret "talent" she's concealing from the girls. SURPRISE! It's nakedness. She wears a showgirl outfit and performs dance moves my mother trademarked at the last family wedding. Her talent is giving other people third party embarrassment. About 10 minutes after the talent show she freaks the shit out and pulls the fake panic attack card to mask her humiliation. Unfortunately, no medical personnel make an appearance, so no points are awarded.
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| Sexy. |
Meanwhile, Olivia spends all of her time fishing for compliments. He obliges for a little while. She gets interrupted and then we get another look at her mouth fixation. Later on she comes back to have an awkward attack. She vomits her self esteem spasm all over him and continues her terrible dance routine.
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| Jim Halpert for next Bachelor. |
Becca gets the next one-on-one. Dress code is Wedding Casual. Is Becca’s wedding dress from Jessica McClintock? Regardless, she's rockin' some Jared Leto hair.
The best part of Becca dates is all the Virginity Points! These points are new this season, and they're awarded to any contestant who discusses virginity, whether it's their own or another person's. Jubilee and Becca both get Virginity Points tonight.
Instead of getting married and obnoxiously playing Going to the Chapel of Love by the Dixie Cups, Ben's ordained and they marry other people. It's pretty cute in a hijacking-other-people's-moments kind of way. Becca is even wearing a shade of white to really emphasize that people's life moments don't matter unless they're shown on television. Best part of the date is the super awko taco (yes, using it as much as possible) kiss from the two anonymous Asians.
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| Love is a farse, kids. |
"Can she love? Can she feel? Can she commit?" I've been saying for seasons that Becca is a robot, and Ben is now on the same wavelength.
Ben brings up the virgin elephant in the room and I love his direct style. He just straight up asks her if his sex-having past is an issue. He even uses the phrase "jump their bones." I'm in love. No really, he's making me swoon. Becca gets a rose and meanwhile I'm gassing up my car to go steal Ben away.
Back at the
Pause: Can you imagine if he picked one and did a hometown date with her eventually? Would he have to have that sit down with the other?
He sees their bedrooms and hangs out with their mom. Ben drops Haley and keeps Emily. If my last boyfriend had broken up with me in front of my mother, he'd be leaving the house in pieces, not a limo. Consider yourself spared, Ben.
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| Actual footage of the twins' mom. |
Amber and unemployed girl go home. Amber partakes in the traditional Removal of the Heals. Maybe third time's the charm, Amber. See ya next season!
During the credits we get a glimpse into "The Cookie Game" with Caila. Apparently eating snacks without having to move your arms is a sport and I finally have a shot at being an olympic athlete.
Points are up. Check your teams. We have a few folks hanging on by a thread.
Send in your watch party photos and best quotes! We'd love to feature more of the league on weekly blog posts. We're also open for guest bloggers. Call us, beep us if you want to reach us, folks.
Love & Roses,
Julie
League Co-commissioner
Hey I really enjoy your posts and this one was no exception. Thanks a bunch for putting in all the time and effort to delivery such quality. And this did not seem disjointed to me at all.
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