Ben H Week Three: A Blog About Cankles

This week's blog post is brought to you by Bota Box wines, San Pellegrino, and Winn Dixie King Cake.

First of all, I am so happy to be co-blogging with my co-commissioner this week. I left the single digit temps behind and reunited with Julie for warmer, jazzier times in the Big Easy.

LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE! Just missing our boy Chris Harrison.

So elated.

Chris Harrison comes to the mansion right away to deliver the date card in person. "You ladies look very hungover anxious this morning."

Lauren B gets the first of two one-on-one dates this week. Of course the flight attendant gets picked for the prop plane date, but she is surprisingly afraid of it. (For the record, the prop plane ride does not count for First Helicopter points.)

During the plane ride they try to kiss over their microphones which looks really awkward. Just pay attention to the view! ABC spent a big chunk of their budget on this. ENJOY IT PLS AND MAKE OUT LATER. In a shocking twist they fly over Bachelor Mansion to taunt the other girls. Despite the fact that they're thousands of feet in the air, the girls on the ground know exactly what's happening (thank you, producers). They squeal like Julie while the plane flies overhead.

Ben and Lauren B keep kissing instead of watching out the window.

"I'm not super into situations I haven't been in before" is a softer/more stupid-sounding way of saying "I'm not adventurous and I hate trying new things." Welcome to the Bachelor, Lauren B. Have you seen the show before? List your biggest fear and the producers will make damn sure to incorporate it into your date.

The plane lands in the middle of nowhere but somehow there's a hot tub. Questions I have: Where is the water source? What about electricity? How did the hot tub get there?

Answers I have: Interns.

They have a meaningful conversation in the hot tub. Lauren B went up in that tiny plane and now all of a sudden she wants to get her pilot's license. Apparently she's the "always the flight attendant, never the pilot" type and now she's on the Bachelor discovering dreams she never knew she had. Aim high, Lauren B. Aim as high as the sky. Because it's flying. Get it?

Ben's hair line might be receding. He also has a surprisingly large amount of chest hair, which I didn't expect but also don't hate.

Back at the mansion, Caila is getting hysterical. She's JUST NOW realizing that Ben might fall in love with one of the other amazing women on the show instead of her. Again, welcome to the Bachelor. It's like she's never seen the show before either! What is this, amateur hour? By the way, I love these "meanwhile, back at the ranch" clips. We really get to see the girls unraveling slowly and steadily as opposed to all at once, for example, at the cocktail party. The Analysis Paralysis is strong with this group. And it's only Week 3! eeeeek!

In an interesting turn of events, Ben shares his own sob story with Lauren B. This is new for the Bachelor - we don't usually get to hear personal issues from the Bachelor/Bach-ette. The move works the way sob stories on this show are supposed to, and Lauren B declares her desire to meet Ben's family. Embarrassingly early, if you ask me. But she gets the rose.

The group date card arrives.
Rachel, on the Bachelor version of crossing your fingers: "I was squeezing my abs reeeally hard, hoping my name would be on the date card...and worrying I might have to be filmed in a bikini."

Group date at USC football field, The Coliseum. BOOOOOOO.

Ben: "We're here to play some soccer and here to help us today is Bachelor Nation's own former soccer legend JUAN PABLO!" JK I wish. He's blacklisted from Bachelor events. It's two members of the US women's team, Alex Morgan and what's her face.

All of these girls are unbelievably terrible at soccer. What are the odds of that? I really want to know. 15 presumably athletic women together in a group and not a single one has ever kicked a soccer ball? I'm sorry, did you all not have a childhood? I'm not saying they have to be amazing at it but it's honestly like watching a bunch of toddlers play. Only less funny because these are (almost) grown ass women. Get it together, girls, you're embarrassing the rest of us.

Bubble soccer is the only excuse for that kind of performance.

Also I can't get an exact count but at least six of them are wearing their hair down. Unforgivable. Immediate red card.

Chris Harrison comes out to the stir the pot, per usual. He's lookin' pretty fine in that jersey, I must say. Dayummmmmmmm. Can I be on his team?

He pits the girls against each other, and the losing team has to go back to the mansion to ice their sore muscles and bruised egos. #ouch.

Okay they're ready to play and thank goodness they all put their hair up but *~!whoopsie daisies!~* they all lose their shorts in the process. Apparently it's not Bachelor Soccer unless the girls are wearing the bare minimum amount of clothing.

Lace didn't know she couldn't pick up the ball as the goalie. Normally, one might blame the coach for that oversight in the rules explanation, but I don't know a single person who doesn't know that goalies can use their hands. It's one of the most basic, most intuitive rules of soccer. And life. GOD, LACE.

After a hard fought battle, the Stripes team wins. The Stars limp home in tears. Sorry boutcha.

Intermission!
Big news, y'all. Julie's friend knows Ben! They're going to be at the same wedding in a few weeks. Jury's still out on whether Ben will guest-blog for us. We'll keep you posted.

At the victory party, Olivia steals Ben first and then she yells off the balcony at the rest of the girls. Ben seems uncomfortable and he's all, "um, what's ur deal?" and Olivia's all, "I can't help it that I'm popular."

While Olivia is off galavanting with Ben, the rest of the girls take the opportunity to ruthlessly rip her appearance to shreds.

Thing 1: "Ugh have you guys noticed her fat toes?"
Thing 2: "OMG YES HAHA FAT TOES FAT TOES."
Okay for real though, that is literally my worst nightmare. I was cursed with terrible toes so I feel Olivia's pain here.
Thing 3: "Also her boobs are definitely fake, I'm pretty sure."
Thing 4: "Also have they kissed? Does Ben smell what I've smelled?"

Lord these girls are vicious.

Jami, in an attempt to be a good samaritan, tells Olivia what went down.

Olivia: "OMG WAS IT MY CANKLES AGAIN" (ps now all of America is going to be sneaking a peek at your cankles. self fulfilling prophecy)
Jami: "No it was your fat toes."
Olivia: "Welp."

Amber finally finds her Bachelor balls legs and steals some time and a kiss with Ben. She gets the rose.

Olivia: "But he pushed off on my leg when he stood so we're basically engaged." #secretsignals

Jubilee gets the last date card! She is jubilant about it.

Jami calls Jubilee an Awko Taco (which I am totally adding to my arsenal of insults), but Jubilee looks dynamite in that all-white ensemble so it doesn't even matter.

FIRST HELICOPTER RIDE OF THE SEASON! AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING by everyone with Jubilee on their team.

She gets a little sarcastic and standoffish ("does anyone want to go on my date?") which is clearly just a defense mechanism. But the other girls are peeved that she's disrespecting Ben and The Process.

"How dare you be anything but GRATEFUL to Ben and Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior who graciously chose you for the honor of this helicopter ride??!"

After a while she comes out of her shell.

Jubilee, on shuffleboard: "Hey, white boy, I don't play."
Ben, on dick size: "But I aint that white. I got...you know..."
AWWWW YEAH BEN.

Okay Jubilee I see you rocking that bikini. #bootygoals

Later, they have a pretty uncomfortable and emotional discussion about her adoption and life in Haiti. She gets the rose.

Lauren, on the first black girl appearing to do well in the competition: "I just don't see Ben with someone like Jubilee. Ben wants a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer moms!"

I don't have enough time, energy, or blog space to unpack that statement.

At the cocktail party, we learn that Ben had a family tragedy that week. He announces this to the group in a Hunger Games-esque manner to see who will be able to console him the best tonight. #OTPHJ

Olivia steals him first (classic Olivia) and wants to talk about her cankles (also classic Olivia). Some mean jerks have written blogs about her cankles and it's been really hard on her but she tries to stay strong.

Jubilee sets up a massage table and steals him away, committing the Cardinal Sin! Somehow it seems less sinful when she does it, but the girls lose their minds, as expected.

"Getting a massage is my favorite thing in the world." -Ben, to the next girl in line who didn't think to give him a massage. #subtweet

Let's talk about Amber. This is her third attempt on a Bachelor/Bachelor-affiliated show. But somehow she is STILL SO BAD AT THIS GAME. She is being such a drunk bully tonight. She tries to corner Jubilee and confront her about how annoying it is to keep losing on this show how Jubilee is an ungrateful snob. Jubilee rightfully gets defensive and upset but Amber continues to berate her IN FRONT OF BEN. What the F is happening here?! Ben defends Jubilee, but what he really needs to do is retract Amber's rose and send her some. What a b-nasty. I don't think she will stick around much longer.

I actually feel so bad for Ben. All he wanted from this cocktail party was for the women to console him in his time of need. Instead he had to deal with all these selfish betches and their trivial problems (cankles) and emotional baggage (crippling insecurity).

Ben is finally able to sit down for a second. He takes a deep breath to relax and is interrupted by surprise Lace, which is both the worst kind and the most frequent kind of Lace. She pulls him aside and eliminates herself with one last tearful monologue, in which she quotes advice from a tattoo. From her own body. In that moment Lace erodes what little credibility she has left.

"It's just like my tattoo says, 'You can't love someone else until you truly love yourself.'"

Bye, Lace. See you in Paradise.

Ben eliminates Jami and Shushanna, surprising no one. He gives Olivia The Final Rose - saving best for last, according to Olivia. Still a little bit of fat to trim from this group, but we are getting close!

Signing off now from New Orleans, but not without one last peanut gallery contribution (Julie and I are the peanut gallery tonight).

"I just want to go on a date with Chris Harrison. Can someone just make that happen please?"
"Yeah, if only you could go on Make a Wish without, like, having to die."

I'm going to hell. Meet you there?

Shoutout to boxed wine.

Check your rosters and standings to see how your pool is faring. As far as eliminations go, this week ruined the few perfect teams that were left. One team is, hilariously, already out (Team Hanna from Hoes in Different Area Codes). Better luck next season, Hanna! You'll receive your cheap wine shortly.

Jubilee REALLY kicked some Bach butt this week

We enjoy positive reinforcement. Let us know how much you adore us in the comments. Trash talking is also highly encouraged.

Can't wait for the rest of the season to unfold! It looks like it's going to be a...

ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Co-Commissioners