Chris Week Nine: Do You BALIeve In Life After Love?

Last night I had a dream that I was on The Bachelor. In true Elizabeth fashion, I got sunburned at the first pool party and was really peeved about it. I went to my weekly therapy session with Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior to complain. I told him, for the millionth time, that this was EXACTLY why I didn't want to go on the show. How many times do I have to ask for a sunscreen intern? Now I'll never get to be a farmer's wife. Blast!

It was weird. No more wine before bed. Jk I gave that up for Lent. I'm writing this completely sober! I hope you still think I'm funny.

We're down to the last three ladies and we FINALLY get to leave the country! This season has been waiting on the tarmac for far too long. Glad we get to take off and do some real sight seeing (lookin' at you, South Dakota). Bring on Bali.

This is how sweaty y'all are about to be in Bali.

This is also Fantasy Suite Week, so lots of big things are happening here. Chris: "If I'm going to be confident about proposing to one of these girls, I'm going to have to have sex with all of them first."

Kaitlyn's date is first. They roam around and interact with strategically placed locals. They find some pretty aggressive monkeys and feed them bananas. They also visit a temple and share a spiritual moment, creating a bond that will last forever a few more days.

In what is possibly the sweatiest conversation in Bachelor History, Kaitlyn talks about her feelings, which she says is difficult for her to do. Preach, Kaitlyn, feelings are the worst. Chris is all, "We're both really vulnerable right now, because if you left I would only have two girls to choose from."

I just want to bake a cake full of sunshine...and ROSES

Kaitlyn: "There's not one thing I don't like about us. Even your giggle, which is a lot to love." She has zero questions for Chris at this point, which is very concerning. She enthusiastically agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite. Now Chris can "plow the f*ck out of her field" like she requested on night one. Well played.

Kaitlyn agrees that America Needs Farmers. 

They bone.

Next up is the date with Shitney Whiney Whitney (<--- actual typos I made, no joke).

They are on a boat. WHY ISN'T CHRIS HARRISON THE BOAT DRIVER? I want Chris Harrison to play every extra role possible on this show. Need more Chris Harrison.

Whitney babbles on about how perfect and natural their relationship is. Chris doesn't add much to the conversation. At "dinner," Whitney doesn't even pretend for a second that her career is important to her. She's prepared to drop everything and immediately pop out babies in Arlington. You do you, girl.

Someone didn't read Lean In.

They bone.

Becca's date is last. Is she wearing leather shorts in Bali? That is such a bad idea. They go to another temple (maybe the same temple as before?) and talk to the medium about their relationship. The producers definitely had a prior conversation with these guys and told them that their advice to Becca and Chris HAD to be about sex, because OMG VIRGIN.

The buildup to this "I'm a virgin" revelation is a little ridiculous. Chris handles the news like a normal human being should handle the news. Becca: "I'm a virgin." Chris: "Okay."

They don't bone.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Chris is distressed about who to send home. Chris Harrison comes in to save the day and help Chris make pro/con lists about each girl. They figure it out together. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Side note: New goal is to have Chris Harrison as my life coach.

Chris is about to give one girl the axe. Becca thinks it's going to be her. Chris takes her aside for one last conversation. Meanwhile, Whitney and Kaitlyn are (not so) secretly happy that Becca's going to be privately eliminated and they'll be the final two. They're totally circle of bitching right now and it's amazing.

Kaitlyn: "I feel bad for feeling so happy but like she's for sure going home :)))))"

Then: THE ULTIMATE FAKEOUT!!!!!! BECCA STAYS! Chris escorts her back in and ends up giving Kaitlyn the boot. This is nuts. Legit did not see this coming. Thought Whitney would for sure go home before Kaitlyn did.

Exact face we all made^^

Whitney: "I'm really confused because what I thought was going to happen didn't happen." #braincells

Kaitlyn is next Bachelorette for sure: "I didn't expect to feel this way when I left here. I let my guard down and The Process worked for me and I'm devastated now but when I have 30 guys fighting over me I'll def find true love." *Bachelor buzz words! Producers all high-fiving each other during this convo*

Points are SUPER CLOSE and standings are neck and neck in all leagues. The finale will be huge! So so so excited.

Next week is the Women Tell All/Crucifixion of Kelsey episode. No blog post (sorry) but we'll be doing prop bets at Corinne's place for whoever wants to participate.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners