Chris Week Three: I'd Shuck That

This week on The Bachelor, ABC confirms that this show is a joke by bringing on a guest host--none other than the great Jimmy Kimmel. The episode opens with Jimmy sneaking into Chris' bachelor pad and waking him up in the morning. Chris is relatively unfazed and looks surprisingly good for having just woken up. I wish I #wokeuplikethat. Or #wokeupnexttothat. I'd settle for either.

We learn that Jimmy will be third wheeling on each of the dates this week and offering Chris guidance where he can. He gives the first date card to Kaitlyn and we're off!

Kaitlyn gets all dolled up in her crop top and she and Chris sip on some bubbly en route to their romantic date. When they pull up to their final destination at COSTCO, they both immediately chug their glasses before getting out. Surprise! Jimmy assures them that "this is what real couples do together." You know what they say, "Couples that shop at Costco one time, stay together for three months max after the show airs."

They make out in the bubble soccer ball. This is cute but it just reminds me how salty I am that no one would join my bubble soccer team last fall.

Totally thrilling and not at all dangerous!

They load up their cart with three steaks, a few folding chairs, and an ungodly amount of ketchup and head back to the house to cook dinner for themselves...and Jimmy.

Jimmy arrives and discovers that Kaitlyn has given all her lipstick to Chris. We learn that Kaitlyn has a very manly laugh while Chris just giggles like a little girl. Seriously, you can't un-hear this. His giggle is pretty much all I listened to the rest of the episode. During dinner the three of them chat casually about sex in the fantasy suite. Jimmy tells Chris that "God made him the bachelor," basically confirming what we all already knew. Chris Harrison = God. Kait gets the rose.

The ultimate third wheel.

Montage of Jillian working out. Good lord this woman is terrifying. Rob says, "I don't know if terrifying is the word I'd use." TMI, Rob.

Now we move on to the group date. FINALLY we get to see the girls perform some farm tasks! We can really evaluate how well they'd survive as a farmer's wife. The tasks are as follows:

1. Shuck as much corn as you can, as quickly as you can. I see what you're getting at here, Chris/producers... ;)
2. Search the chicken coop for an egg, crack it into a skillet without breaking the yolk. Okay seriously if you can't crack an egg without breaking the yolk then GTFO. Honestly who are these girls that's like a basic life skill. McKenzie fails at this task. I feel bad for Kale because he's obviously missing out on some great breakfasts back home.
3. Milk a goat and then drink the milk. The lactose intolerant girl chugs hers like a champ, which really bodes well for the rest of the evening...
4. Pig penning. I've done this on a horse with cows instead of pigs. Not that hard. The girls are squealing louder than the pigs.

I have to admit I am very disappointed in the lack of farming innuendoes during this portion of the date.

During the after party, Chris kisses every girl except Becca who plays the "you have to earn it" card. Chris says "mad respect" and they hug it out. She gets the group date rose, proving that modest is hottest. The other girls whine about it and Chris is just like, "There's a fair amount of kissing going on which is kind of the point of this whole deal." #truthbomb

*Interlude while Corinne washes out the red wine in her glass with white wine so she can switch to a new bottle. Rob offers to wash it out with Miller Lite from his 40.*

Whitney's date card says "NO WHINING." Is that because her voice is so annoying? 

They spot a wedding from their perch in the vineyard and decide to crash it. Whitney actually says YOLO which is major points against her. She turns it around though thankfully. They get drunk real quick, ditch the cameras, buy a gift and make their way to the reception. Chris gets nervous and giggles a few times but Whit has their story down and they kill it. I wish her voice wasn't so shrill because this is pretty great. Good for Whitney.

Chris talks about how he can see Whitney as his wife. ~*pRomiSiNG!*~ 

Back at Bachelor Mansion, Chris Harrison Our Lord and Savior informs the girls of some bad news. There will be no cocktail party this evening. BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING A POOL PARTY INSTEAD, BITCHEZZZZ!!!!! Classic bait and switch, Chris Harrison! He tells the ladies that Chris will be arriving in one hour, sending them all into a tizzy. Only one hour to apply all the waterproof makeup available in the greater Los Angeles area! 

Chris arrives and the party is on. He cannon balls into the pool (such an attention hog) and every girl cowers to protect her hair. Jimmy Kimmel has had more fun in the tub with Chris this week than all the girls combined, so this is pretty much the Hail Mary moment for all of them.

Such a tender moment.

The girls pull out all the stops:

• Juelia shares her sob story, which is actually a sob-worthy story. Heavy stuff for a drunk pool party.
• Jade and Chris "test out the bed." Major side boob/under boob/nude bikini happening here.
• Jillian waits for them outside in the hot tub.
• McKenzie, Ashley I and Megan team up to steal Chris from Jillian for "one on one" time but Jillian doesn't leave. Good for her. Honestly, I probably wouldn't leave either. It's not one on one time if there are three of them. This is not junior high. If you want Chris to yourself, just (wo)man up and do it. You don't need a posse to help you.
• Ashley I gets drunk disappointed and tosses her plastic wine glass down the driveway in despair. #alliteration

Where is Chris Harrison during all of this? I want him to join the pool party one of these days.

Rose ceremony time. No catastrophes this week which is a huge bummer. Everyone lands on both feet and relatively sober(ish). Ashley I receives the final rose of the evening, and approaches Chris with the desperate relief of making it to the bank right before it closes. 

You're welcome.

We say goodbye (and, "who are you again?") to Tracy, Trina and Amber. Oh yeah and Samantha/giraffe. We also learn that there's another virgin in the group! Can't wait to find out who it is. 

The point gap is growing steadily in each pool. Check standings here. Current leaders are Mary Clare, Nora and Katharine. Nice work this week, everyone!