Ben H Finale: Jamaican Me Love You

Final week, Baches. This rose is for the whole kit and caboodle. Some of you ended the night as winners, the rest of you ended the night just as bored as you started. Speaking for myself, I ended the night $20 poorer with a nasty case of merlot mouth.

This episode was brought to you by Producers Choice Waterproof Mascara! The only brand that will keep your smoky eye on point through your worst public heartbreak. More on that later.

Both contestants must be using paraffin wax-based makeup, because DAYUM.

This week takes us to...jk we're still in Jamaica. Did someone leave an expensive straightener in the hotel or something, because I feel like this is the first time ABC has repeated the same locale twice in a season. Maybe the producers just wanted another hit of that Jamaican Kush to get through this snoozer of a season. Whatever the reason, Sandals Resort is getting all kinds of screen time and making me never want to go there ever.

The first 40 minutes of the episode feel like a loop of the same interviews.
"I never expected the producers to make me profess my love to two people" - Ben
"This is, like, crazy" - Lauren B
"Does this neon bikini make me look thirsty?" - Jojo
"You're immature and embarrassing" - Ben's mother
Repeat these quotes infinitely and you've written a transcript of the episode.

Ben LOVES lamp.

Lauren B gets the first parents-on-one date. She tells them how it's embarrassing, but she's been waiting “since their first date” to meet his parents, which isn't that weird because a) that first date was about a month ago and b) meeting the parents means you're winning, and no one auditioned for this show hoping to lose. She's using the classic power move of calling his parents by their first names, which is something I will be terrified of until the day I die. Srsly y'all, I dated a guy for five years and still referred to his mom as Mrs. Loser-face (real names have been replaced for privacy purposes.) Parents are scary.

Post parent date Lauren and Ben get all snuggly. My watch party is convinced of Ben's sincerity. Lauren throws in some added value to her worth by saying she'll, like, TOTALLY say yes if he proposes.

Luv ya, Courtney!

Next up Jojo meets the parents. Her bouquet for Mama Higgins is far inferior in size and floral variety, sealing her fate as second place. I don't know about you, but ABC spilled ALL the suspense beans with that props department plant. Jojo must know it too because she spends the whole time groveling and begging his parents to like her. It's unpleasant.

Sidebar, can we start having the potential in-laws meet? I’d love to see Mama Higgins hardcore judging Mama Jojo. Or, plot twist, maybe Mrs. Higgins and Jojo Sr. would become best drinking buddies. Either way, I think the week after hometowns ABC adds an episode where the parents are locked in a house where they stop being polite and start getting real (sidebar-squared, did I just come up with the Nick at Night version of the Real World? Viacom, call me to discuss).

According to Ben's mom:

Lauren = polished.

Jojo = more in love with you than you are her.

Both great qualities. Flip a coin. Either way you're still a disappointment.

Mama Higgins wondering why Ben couldn't find a nice non-television girl.

More of the same Ben talking head:
"Blah blah blah I'm so torn, they're both pretty, blah"
We get it, you’re torn. You don’t love one more than the other and you’ll never totally be satisfied because you’ll always think “what if?” We get it.

Both girls get final dates including boats and bikinis. They're both throwing all their Hail Mary passes and we're sitting here wondering just HOW these kids are so bad at communicating. Yea, they're barely old enough to rent a car, but they all went to college. They should be able to verbalize their thoughts on practical life decisions.

“Like, its crazy. I’m, like, at peace with you. Like, I like-you like you but, like, I don’t know. I’m, like, emotional about it.” You’re making millennials look bad and causing me to finish my bottle of wine faster than usual. 

Jojo comes through with the saddest moment of the night: “He’s my best friend. This is the best relationship I've ever been in." Let's deep dive into how heartbreaking this is, shall we?
a) You met him a month ago. Do you not have any girlfriends? PSA to men: NEVER trust a girl without girlfriends. It's a sign of serious crazy.
b) Sucks to be Chad, lawlz.
c) This man is dating someone else at the same time he is dating you. You're saying that this boy who is effectively cheating on you (granted, with permission) is more devoted to you than ANY other guy you've ever been with? You need to have a sit down with Dr. Chris Harrison, our Lord, Savior and Therapist, to discuss making better choices. Luckily, you're going to have that chance.

Turns out this is the perfect visual representation of Jojo's love life.

Jojo's also a little quick to throw out the "baaaabbbbe" title. There are few things I dislike more than this pet name.

Ok, sorry team. I'll try to be a little more positive about Jojo and the current sitch. I'll put my cynicism in the recycling bin with the wine bottles I've already finished. See above for detail.

I will award some mental brownie points to Jojo for confronting him at the end of the last night. She straight out asks him if he's choosing her. Eyes are rolled (you go girl!) and shit is called out. She pulls him into a bathroom stall for privacy [insert half-baked joke about my typical first dates] and the convo gets real. He tells her all about his feelings for Lauren. They proceed to sob and whine about how they don’t like the rules they signed up for.

Flash forward to a visit from every girls' best friend: Neil Lane, the Keeper of the Diamonds. Neil Lane probably pays more in sponsorship per year than I’m going to make in forever, but boy do I love seeing him. Take note, Manwich. This is how TV sponsorship is done right!

Ben picks a ring and a girl. Oh goody!

The Losercopter arrives and it's.............. JOJO.

She knows it's over almost immediately due to his lack of smiling. According to Kelly, he looks dead in the eyes. Sun's too high for a proposal, Jojo. You should have expected this.

In typical soul crushing fashion, ABC lets her finish her closing argument before the traditional dumping. I wish he could just shake his head when she opened the helicopter door so we could spare ourselves some emotions. De-heel and run away, girlfriend.

He does the ceremonious Dumping of the Other. She goes home with some class. Chad, if you're reading, now's your chance to pounce.

Ben takes a minute or two to get over it. Pan to his sweaty back and bad case of swass. They toss an ice pack down his pants (this isn't hyperbole) and on to the next one.

Prior to the Winnercopter's arrival, Ben makes all traditional gals swoon and all modern gals cringe. He calls Lauren's dad for proposal approval. This adorable/chauvinistic act causes folks at my watch party to crack with emotions. Thankfully, I held on to my stoicism strong. 

The proposal happens. Ben and Lauren are all kinds of cute. They say some super adorable stuff to convince us that love is real (I'm still on the fence about that one.) Quote of the night: “I want to wake up every morning and kiss you ON THE FACE." As opposed to where, Benny Boy? Despite all my wishes, they throw in some cheesy "you're my person" lines that reek of ABC self promotion.

TGIT is the real winner here.

And that's that. They walk off into their sunset backdrop.

Great season, league members! And big deal here, for the first time drafting the winner on your team DID NOT guarantee a place on the RtR podium! Several teams that drafted Lauren B landed in fourth or fifth place. Proof is in the non fat pudding, folks; balance your team with winners and crazies.

Keep an eye out for details on next season. Important: Roses to Riches WILL NOT be handling the cash money next season (it's screwing with our personal budgeting) so once Jojo's promo starts running, get your own pools together and make your own financial obligation choices. We'll still handle score keeping, but y'all are old enough to gamble on your own.

This is what all my dreams are made of.

Send us feedback for game improvements or new categories!

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Commissioner

WINNERS' CIRCLE

Chicago Winners

Team Maggie B.
Team Rachel P.
Team Shari: The Mascara Runners (also my fav name, beeteedubs)
Team Alex + Joanne
Team Kellie K.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Mary Clare (2nd); Team Audrey: Ben's Batshit Bitches (3rd)
Team Anne H. (2nd); Katie's Klassy Ladies (3rd + wine!)
Team Brittany: Emergency Fantasy Suite (2nd + wine!); Team Lora: The Rose Ceremony is Cancelled (3rd)
Team Jason L. (2nd); Team Rachel B. (3rd)

Honorable mention goes to Gaslight Pub.

Nashville Winners

Team Emily
Team K. Fockler

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Zach (2nd); Team Catherine (3rd)
Team Morgan (2nd); Team K. Skinny (3rd)

Lexington Winners

Team Simon

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Rachel (2nd); Team Ben (3rd)

New York City Winners

Team Courtney S.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Anna S. (2nd); Team Winny H. (3rd)

Hoes in Different Area Codes

Team Laura + Kelly

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Laura P. (2nd); Team Allee (3rd)