Rachel Finale: I Cried My Eyelashes Off

Congratulations! We've made it to Week 10 of the ~*mOsT ~ dRaMaTic*~ season ever! It's been a wild and often annoying ride, but at least we now know who won some spare cash and bragging rights.

Because ABC no longer recognizes consistency as a positive quality, they've decided to change up the ATFR format. Is nothing sacred anymore? We're stuck listening to the mind-numbing interviews of Rachel and her exes mid-show as opposed to after. Thus, ABC is forcing us into three hours of television on a school work night.

...just in case my super salty attitude wasn't clear already.

The ep begins where last week left off; Rachel has been to the Fantasy Suite with Eric and is about to go for round two with Peter. However, in a fun show role reversal, Peter is questioning his relationship with Rachel. Turns out, he's a rational human being who feels uncomfortable giving expensive jewelry and commitments to someone he just met and probably has never seen without makeup. It's oddly reminiscent of Brooks from Desiree's season. Peter is so similar to Brooks in fact that league veteran Competitive Clare is swooning uncontrollably again.

"Can we just like date for a while."
"You signed up for this show to give me a ring. That's literally the whole point."
"I'm not proposing until I'm 100% sure you don't have student loan debt I'd be responsible for."

I'd demand a credit check and STD test prior to any Neil Lane visits. 

Rachel cries and basically begs him to propose to her. He's oddly turned on by her crying. Unrelated: isn't that one of the characteristics of a sociopath? Meanwhile, I'm oddly turned on by her voluminous and fabulous fake eyelashes.

The #drama is somewhat short lived, because they make up enough to bone stay in the Fantasy Suite.

Bryan's date is next and his Miami is really showing. They ride horses in a vineyard, which I guess is romantic and whatever. Is it just me, or is any activity that involves the stench of animal waste really unsexy? Anyway, either from the animal smell, or last night's romp with Peter, Rachel is a bit cranky. Not like noticeably cranky, but like would say "it's fine" if her bf said he was ditching date night for a football game. Bryan picks up on the delicate mood and adjusts his behavior accordingly. TAKE NOTES, ALL MY FUTURE BOYFRIENDS.

^Rachel's current mood^

The Fantasy Suite gets its third night of action, and we move on to the Week Nine rose ceremony. In a bold, possibly reckless move, Eric chooses to forgo a dress shirt and tie to just wear an undershirt beneath his suit jacket. Did he leave his only dress shirt in the Fantasy Suite and couldn't retrieve it because she was in there with one of her other boyfriends all week? This is now my focus for the next 10 minutes, until...

...ERIC GETS THE BOOT. I hope it wasn't his lack of dress shirt that did him in, but honestly I would understand. His exit interview, however, is the opposite of sloppy. He has the classiest, most heartbreaking limo interview we've seen in a while.

"I'm just going to miss her. I'm going to miss all that is her. I'm just so thankful to have experienced life with a person so beautiful as Rachel" < no, not a passage from a Nicholas Sparks book. Legit quote from Eric. In my imagination, all men say this when I break up with them.

During the ATFR interview, which we should probably now call the "Before, During, and/or After the Final Rose" Special Eric again shows us his maturity and I swoon. He spits some more of those Nora Roberts-esque lines. (Hey, Eric, call me maybe?)

"My heart was broken because I didn't have love, but [Rachel] filled my heart. I was a boy, but now I'm a man" THEN HE CALLED HER YOUNG LADY AND I DIED OF A SWOLLEN BROKEN HEART.

and I want an Eric.

Last dates week! The proposal(s) is in a matter of days, and Peter still needs a lot of convincing.

During his last sales pitch, Bryan gives her a homemade Spanish-English dictionary with a cheat sheet of cutesy, romantic words for Rachel. It's super presh and makes me almost like the guy for a second. Then I remember he's a chiropractor and go back to the salt.

"You should pick me because my mom might murder you otherwise."

Bryan is off to meet Neil Lane.

Instead of a last ditch sales pitch, Picky Proposer Peter tells her he's not about that engagement ring life...at least not until he knows her middle name. Maybe he has an elaborate flash mob proposal dream that he's worried will never happen? In any case, Rachel is crushed. He tries his best to explain and get her to come around, but neither is willing to compromise. Peter finally offers to just propose because she wants him to, which is not a reason any man should ever propose.

"I want you to WANT to propose"
"Yea, but I don't. Can we just pretend I do?"
"Commit the rest of your life and half your assets to me, and you won't be embarrassed on a Spanish mountainside tomorrow."
"No thanks. Check please."

We had high hopes for you, Peter. 

Rachel cries so much her amazing eyelashes disappear mid-scene.

I don't know what this gif is from, but its my new favorite.

Sooooo that's it. Peter pulls an unceremonious self-elimination, and Bryan wins by default. We don't even see the Bryan proposal until what feels like hours later, after the ex-couple's counseling session with Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior. Talk about an anticlimactic ending!! Do you know how much I look forward to seeing the loser's shoes come out of the proposal limo each year? You know, when the sun is nowhere near setting, but they're still oblivious that they've lost? I cherish that bi-annual schadenfreude and ABC stole it from me.

^Me

Eventually Bryan proposes on what looks like the windiest mountain in Europe. Rachel is giddy that she got her ring, but let's just say I don't have high hopes for their future.

As much as I've loved Rachel and her cocktail dresses this season, tonight really made me see her in a different light. I don't know if it was the editing or just the stress of the situation, but she really did seem like she wanted the fancy ring and the wedding more than the actual husband. Plus, she was condescending to Peter in their live interview. I felt bad for the guy, but he came out of this smelling pretty rose-like, so I'm sure his handsome salt and pepper hair will find a good home with some other nice lady. Maybe me? A girl can dream.

Keep on being you, Peter

That's all, folks! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Check your final season points and settle up money/wine/smack talk. Best of luck on that post-finale hangover!

We've had a blast being your commissioners once again. If you're new to the league, or just have a lot of feelings, let us know how awesome we are. Next week starts Bach in Paradise, which we will not be blogging, but probably will be hate-watching, so feel free to send your feelings then too.

Lastly, Big shout out to Corinne and Audrey for proof reading and helping out this season! May the blessings of Chris Harrison rain down upon you.

Love and Roses,
Julie

Continue Reading

Nick V Week Ten: 4th Time's the Limit

Is it just me or has this season been dragging on For. Ev. Er.? Honestly. Let's get this show on the road.

Oh my gawd, this shit is THREE HOURS tonight? Need to ration my Final Rose wine accordingly.

Nick's dad: "Going through this process with Nick was excruciating."

Forget you, Lena Dunham. Mr. Viall is the voice of our generation.

It's 7:12pm and Raven's family date is already over. How on earth are they going to fill the next two hours and 48 minutes? My eyeball muscles are already sore from the workout they're about to get doing so many squats eye rolls. Gonna be so toned, though. Bring on bikini season.

Or just watch this show.

The family sits around and talks about all of Nick's failed relationships. I hope my family doesn't do that when I'm not around.

Nick's...brother?: "These women can still say no to him and, given Nick's track record, it's pretty likely that they will."

Good to know your fam has your back, Nick.

How your family SHOULD act after a breakup.

How Nick's family acts after his breakups.

During Vanessa's family date, she tells Nick's family about how she puked on their date and that's when she knew Nick was the one. As someone who has vommed on a date (IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY OKAY), I can vouch for that feeling. Nothing brings two people together like a bout of motion sickness. Granted, we're not together anymore, but it was not because of the vomming.

Ew, Vanessa why are you wearing cargo pants? Just because cargo pants are tight does not mean they are sexy. Cargo pants are only acceptable when on Safari. Or at least when you actually USE those extraneous pockets, which would probably only happen on Safari.

Vanessa has a convo with Mr. Viall. It ends with them both in precious father/maybe-future-daughter-in-law tears and there's not a dry eye in the house. To be fair, my eyes are the only eyes in the house, but it still counts.

Me: "I'm crying right now wtf."
Julie: "Are you watching with people or alone? My mom is disappointed in you."
Me: "Alone. Maybe I'm crying because I'm alone."
*The ep cuts to commercial. The accompanying song is "One Is the Loneliest Number."*

Ridin' that ERC.

Mrs. Viall: "Nick, we know an engagement is precious to you even though you've proposed three times more than the average man."

The family has mixed feelings about both women. The live studio audience is overwhelmingly Team Vanessa but they also hope he ends up alone. #savage

Vanessa and Nick have their final date. They ride horses and visit Santa Claus. Vanessa earns Metaphor Points for making one of the most far-fetched date/activity comparisons in Bachelor History. Vanessa likens believing in Santa to being in love with Nick. Which either means that A) Vanessa is a grown-ass woman who still believes in Santa OR B) Vanessa thinks that a future with Nick is utterly unrealistic and impossible but she's still holding out hope because in the meantime it's fun and you get orgasms presents. GOOD OMENS FOR YOUR FUTURE.

I'm sure you guys are gonna last forever.

They are really drawing out Vanessa's anxiety to an obnoxious level. I guess we're supposed to believe that Nick and Vanessa are each as insecure as the other? She's really only upset because she didn't win it right out of the gate like Whitney B or Lauren B or Shawn B. Maybe if you added a B to your name, V? Just one woman's opinion.

The date concludes. Nothing is resolved.

Raven gets her final date. She does her signature move, the Run and Jump™. She exclaims, "Ah! You caught me!" as if this is the first time she's ever done that signature move. IT'S CALLED A SIGNATURE MOVE FOR A REASON, RAVEN.

They ice skate to a soundtrack straight out of 2001. Like the good Midwestern boy he is, Nick is actually a VERY good ice skater, which is pretty impressive. Like, he can skate while carrying Raven in his arms. Maybe I should raise my standards from "could and would carry me out of a burning building" to "could and would ice skate with me in his arms away from a burning Finnish forest." Maybe that's unrealistic. Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

Nick disappears for a sec and reappears with husky puppies. We're all ded.

THEY'RE SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIEEEEE.

Raven: "This is the best day of my life. I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies."

Honestly, Raven, that's all anyone can hope for with aliens babies. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking.

We learn that Nick is literally paralyzed by the stress of The Process. He cannot move his neck. Maybe that's because he's old AF and and he was doing tons of ice tricks today! You're no spring chicken, Nick V.

Raven is head over heels for Nick and it's tragic to watch. That's SO Poor Raven. They are setting her up for a HARD fall. She's obviously about to lose and I'm already sad about it.

Neil Lane arrives the door and Nick picks an engagement ring for the fourth time. We see an unprecedented level of camaraderie between Nick and Neil. Maybe because no one in Bachelor History has ever spent so much time with the ring guy.

Nick: "I don't know anything about engagement rings."

Sure you don't, Nick.

Nick prepares to break up with Raven. She arrives wearing a stunning fur coat. I can't wait till I'm 60 and can wear coats like that errday. 

She gives her speech and the imminent breakup is all. over. Nick's. face. How does she not see it? Why is she still talking? If I were giving a speech like that and I saw Nick's face, I'd start to course-correct immediately. "No? This isn't happening? BOY BYE." Throw deuces, grab my fur (and the sunscreen intern who's been seriously bored since we left Bimini), run back to the limo and peace the F out before anyone can earn betch tear points from me.

Nick breaks up with Raven. He cries more than she does. Raven and I are both over it.

Raven's thinking about how easily she can remove her stilettos in this moment.

Fun fact: when we were kids, my best and oldest friend Maggie and I used to play a game called Stoic. Like a staring contest but more intense. I was very good. So in case anyone was questioning my abilities, I'd have the stoic exit DOWN. PAT.

Funner fact: Maggie is currently growing another human being inside her body and I write a blog about The Bachelor. So take what you will from that.

Raven's exit score is 1,000% a riff on Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On." I've played that enough times on piano to know that it's a near perfect harmony. 

Vanessa arrives in a, frankly, subpar fur to Raven's. Nick proposes to Vanessa and she says yes. In the words of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison, "It was one of the most anticipated proposals of all time in Bachelor History."

He proposed, she said yes, they're happy. Maybe.

How both Nick and Vanessa are feeling.

After the Final Rose is a lot of waffling over whether they're happy, whether they're not. It's a bunch of nonsense and I really don't want to watch but my remote is far away and I'm comfortable on my couch. Also I'm a rationing pro and still have half a glass of wine left (barely). I hope they're happy, even though they don't quite seem to be. Honestly, I just want them to get married so I can stop seeing Nick on this damn television show. We're all ready to move on with our lives.

Congrats to the Roses to Riches winners and to the losers wine winners. Pool captains, if you have questions about payouts, get in touch with Julie or me. We'll help you out. It's been a hell of a season. Thanks for sticking with us, loyal readers. We love you so. See you in two months!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

Continue Reading

Ben H Finale: Jamaican Me Love You

Final week, Baches. This rose is for the whole kit and caboodle. Some of you ended the night as winners, the rest of you ended the night just as bored as you started. Speaking for myself, I ended the night $20 poorer with a nasty case of merlot mouth.

This episode was brought to you by Producers Choice Waterproof Mascara! The only brand that will keep your smoky eye on point through your worst public heartbreak. More on that later.

Both contestants must be using paraffin wax-based makeup, because DAYUM.

This week takes us to...jk we're still in Jamaica. Did someone leave an expensive straightener in the hotel or something, because I feel like this is the first time ABC has repeated the same locale twice in a season. Maybe the producers just wanted another hit of that Jamaican Kush to get through this snoozer of a season. Whatever the reason, Sandals Resort is getting all kinds of screen time and making me never want to go there ever.

The first 40 minutes of the episode feel like a loop of the same interviews.
"I never expected the producers to make me profess my love to two people" - Ben
"This is, like, crazy" - Lauren B
"Does this neon bikini make me look thirsty?" - Jojo
"You're immature and embarrassing" - Ben's mother
Repeat these quotes infinitely and you've written a transcript of the episode.

Ben LOVES lamp.

Lauren B gets the first parents-on-one date. She tells them how it's embarrassing, but she's been waiting “since their first date” to meet his parents, which isn't that weird because a) that first date was about a month ago and b) meeting the parents means you're winning, and no one auditioned for this show hoping to lose. She's using the classic power move of calling his parents by their first names, which is something I will be terrified of until the day I die. Srsly y'all, I dated a guy for five years and still referred to his mom as Mrs. Loser-face (real names have been replaced for privacy purposes.) Parents are scary.

Post parent date Lauren and Ben get all snuggly. My watch party is convinced of Ben's sincerity. Lauren throws in some added value to her worth by saying she'll, like, TOTALLY say yes if he proposes.

Luv ya, Courtney!

Next up Jojo meets the parents. Her bouquet for Mama Higgins is far inferior in size and floral variety, sealing her fate as second place. I don't know about you, but ABC spilled ALL the suspense beans with that props department plant. Jojo must know it too because she spends the whole time groveling and begging his parents to like her. It's unpleasant.

Sidebar, can we start having the potential in-laws meet? I’d love to see Mama Higgins hardcore judging Mama Jojo. Or, plot twist, maybe Mrs. Higgins and Jojo Sr. would become best drinking buddies. Either way, I think the week after hometowns ABC adds an episode where the parents are locked in a house where they stop being polite and start getting real (sidebar-squared, did I just come up with the Nick at Night version of the Real World? Viacom, call me to discuss).

According to Ben's mom:

Lauren = polished.

Jojo = more in love with you than you are her.

Both great qualities. Flip a coin. Either way you're still a disappointment.

Mama Higgins wondering why Ben couldn't find a nice non-television girl.

More of the same Ben talking head:
"Blah blah blah I'm so torn, they're both pretty, blah"
We get it, you’re torn. You don’t love one more than the other and you’ll never totally be satisfied because you’ll always think “what if?” We get it.

Both girls get final dates including boats and bikinis. They're both throwing all their Hail Mary passes and we're sitting here wondering just HOW these kids are so bad at communicating. Yea, they're barely old enough to rent a car, but they all went to college. They should be able to verbalize their thoughts on practical life decisions.

“Like, its crazy. I’m, like, at peace with you. Like, I like-you like you but, like, I don’t know. I’m, like, emotional about it.” You’re making millennials look bad and causing me to finish my bottle of wine faster than usual. 

Jojo comes through with the saddest moment of the night: “He’s my best friend. This is the best relationship I've ever been in." Let's deep dive into how heartbreaking this is, shall we?
a) You met him a month ago. Do you not have any girlfriends? PSA to men: NEVER trust a girl without girlfriends. It's a sign of serious crazy.
b) Sucks to be Chad, lawlz.
c) This man is dating someone else at the same time he is dating you. You're saying that this boy who is effectively cheating on you (granted, with permission) is more devoted to you than ANY other guy you've ever been with? You need to have a sit down with Dr. Chris Harrison, our Lord, Savior and Therapist, to discuss making better choices. Luckily, you're going to have that chance.

Turns out this is the perfect visual representation of Jojo's love life.

Jojo's also a little quick to throw out the "baaaabbbbe" title. There are few things I dislike more than this pet name.

Ok, sorry team. I'll try to be a little more positive about Jojo and the current sitch. I'll put my cynicism in the recycling bin with the wine bottles I've already finished. See above for detail.

I will award some mental brownie points to Jojo for confronting him at the end of the last night. She straight out asks him if he's choosing her. Eyes are rolled (you go girl!) and shit is called out. She pulls him into a bathroom stall for privacy [insert half-baked joke about my typical first dates] and the convo gets real. He tells her all about his feelings for Lauren. They proceed to sob and whine about how they don’t like the rules they signed up for.

Flash forward to a visit from every girls' best friend: Neil Lane, the Keeper of the Diamonds. Neil Lane probably pays more in sponsorship per year than I’m going to make in forever, but boy do I love seeing him. Take note, Manwich. This is how TV sponsorship is done right!

Ben picks a ring and a girl. Oh goody!

The Losercopter arrives and it's.............. JOJO.

She knows it's over almost immediately due to his lack of smiling. According to Kelly, he looks dead in the eyes. Sun's too high for a proposal, Jojo. You should have expected this.

In typical soul crushing fashion, ABC lets her finish her closing argument before the traditional dumping. I wish he could just shake his head when she opened the helicopter door so we could spare ourselves some emotions. De-heel and run away, girlfriend.

He does the ceremonious Dumping of the Other. She goes home with some class. Chad, if you're reading, now's your chance to pounce.

Ben takes a minute or two to get over it. Pan to his sweaty back and bad case of swass. They toss an ice pack down his pants (this isn't hyperbole) and on to the next one.

Prior to the Winnercopter's arrival, Ben makes all traditional gals swoon and all modern gals cringe. He calls Lauren's dad for proposal approval. This adorable/chauvinistic act causes folks at my watch party to crack with emotions. Thankfully, I held on to my stoicism strong. 

The proposal happens. Ben and Lauren are all kinds of cute. They say some super adorable stuff to convince us that love is real (I'm still on the fence about that one.) Quote of the night: “I want to wake up every morning and kiss you ON THE FACE." As opposed to where, Benny Boy? Despite all my wishes, they throw in some cheesy "you're my person" lines that reek of ABC self promotion.

TGIT is the real winner here.

And that's that. They walk off into their sunset backdrop.

Great season, league members! And big deal here, for the first time drafting the winner on your team DID NOT guarantee a place on the RtR podium! Several teams that drafted Lauren B landed in fourth or fifth place. Proof is in the non fat pudding, folks; balance your team with winners and crazies.

Keep an eye out for details on next season. Important: Roses to Riches WILL NOT be handling the cash money next season (it's screwing with our personal budgeting) so once Jojo's promo starts running, get your own pools together and make your own financial obligation choices. We'll still handle score keeping, but y'all are old enough to gamble on your own.

This is what all my dreams are made of.

Send us feedback for game improvements or new categories!

Love and Roses,
Julie
League Commissioner

WINNERS' CIRCLE

Chicago Winners

Team Maggie B.
Team Rachel P.
Team Shari: The Mascara Runners (also my fav name, beeteedubs)
Team Alex + Joanne
Team Kellie K.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Mary Clare (2nd); Team Audrey: Ben's Batshit Bitches (3rd)
Team Anne H. (2nd); Katie's Klassy Ladies (3rd + wine!)
Team Brittany: Emergency Fantasy Suite (2nd + wine!); Team Lora: The Rose Ceremony is Cancelled (3rd)
Team Jason L. (2nd); Team Rachel B. (3rd)

Honorable mention goes to Gaslight Pub.

Nashville Winners

Team Emily
Team K. Fockler

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Zach (2nd); Team Catherine (3rd)
Team Morgan (2nd); Team K. Skinny (3rd)

Lexington Winners

Team Simon

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Rachel (2nd); Team Ben (3rd)

New York City Winners

Team Courtney S.

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Anna S. (2nd); Team Winny H. (3rd)

Hoes in Different Area Codes

Team Laura + Kelly

Almost Winners but not that Cool:
Team Laura P. (2nd); Team Allee (3rd)

Continue Reading