Ben H Week Nine: If You Choose to Forgo Your Individual Dignities...

I’m taking back the blog reins this week! I have missed it so much. Guest bloggers, you were so wonderful and you did a fantastic job and I am so grateful. But I have to admit I was feeling dethroned by my own empire. It was unsettling. SO I’M BACK. But don't call it a comeback.

This week's episode has a lot of meat to it (heh). What/who will go down in the fantasy suites? Who will Ben say “I love you” to? Will Caila deliver on her Sex Panther promises?

Speaking of Caila, I do need to make one major clarification. There has been some confusion as to whether or not Caila is a minority and should be earning points for her Filipino heritage. It was a gray area because the category originated as “Black Guy Points” before ABC started to diversify their diversity. After much debate among the commissioners, it has been decided that Caila is indeed a minority. The RtR qualification for minority is whether the person would check something other than “white” when filling out the census. Since we had not been awarding minority points thus far, this week we will award all 40 minority points Caila should have earned in Weeks 1 through 8. Roses to Riches sincerely apologizes for any inconvenience, disappointment or outrage this may cause.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way (or unpleasantries, depending on how you drafted), let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.

The peanut gallery is debating the hotness of Ben. Group consensus: he’s hot but approachable. Elizabeth and Sam consensus: he is a flawless human specimen. We learn that Rob S. knows three straight women who don’t find him attractive at all. They can see themselves out.

Exotic locations! Jamaica! Ben needs to be wearing white linen pants and nothing else, pls and thx.

Caila gets the first date. Question: would you rather be first or last during Fantasy Suite week? Pros and cons to both. I would say first, for a variety of reasons. Discuss in the comments.

Ben: "Will I be able to get below the clothes surface of Caila?"
Producer: "Probs."

Caila reiterates that her biggest fear is that she can’t love. I don’t think she realizes that she sounds like a character on Criminal Minds. And not in a good way, like the love interest of SSA Derek Morgan. She is the sociopath serial killer. Guess the apples in that family don't fall far from the tree.

Derek, you slay me.

Caila and Ben have nothing to talk about on their bamboo float ride through the lazy river of Jamaica. Really bodes well for their future together.

They get to the second part of the date and suddenly Caila is Ben's chattiest friend. She's been holding in words all day and now she’s just vomiting them at Ben in the most uncomfortably staged conversation.

Caila: "I can't love anyone but when I'm with you I feel happy and my gut tells me I'm wrong but I love you question mark?"
Ben: "Can we get to the sex part now?"

Seriously, what just happened? When Caila talks she does a bunch of 180s and somehow ends up facing the right direction. Ben can only focus on the sex jaguar panther. He hands her the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it.

And then, Ben gives her a look that sends women and gay men across America into a tizzy and in need of a cold shower. I don't think I have words to suffice. Only gifs. We rewound it many many times, and I've immortalized it here for you. You're welcome.

LOOK AT HIS HUNGRY EYES. Game over.

We can assume they boned since that's obviously the only reason Caila is still here. There's no way he can actually like her. She is an ABC-manufactured Bachelor robot with the fatal flaw of not being able to love. Back to the drawing board, interns. Rework that prototype.

[Probably a few hours later...]

Lauren walks weird. It looks like she's chafing, which is unfortunate. Plus it's super hot in Jamaica so her inner thighs are probably on fire, and not in the fun way.

Lauren and Ben release baby turtles into the ocean!!! This is so precious. The turtles are cute as can be, Ben and Lauren are smitten with each other and the turtles, and did we already talk about how cute the turtles are? They're teeny tiny and so excited to swim! My ovaries are freaking out right now.

They have a serious conversation.
Ben: "I cried in front of your sister." 
Lauren: "Ya I know she told me lol"

They have a "you're too good for me" // "no, YOU'RE too good for ME" conversation, which is a marginally more mature version of "you hang up first" // "no YOU hang up first!" 

Lauren says I love you to Ben. And he says it back! She looks pretty surprised. Probably because the entire time up until now they've all been BEGGING Ben for some real affection and he has been very diplomatic about it. Guess now all bets are off. They are cute together. At this point the competition is Lauren's to lose. 

Sidebar: Sandals Resort is getting more screen time than Chris Harrison which I feel is very disrespectful to Our Lord and Savior.

In the morning Ben makes Lauren breakfast brings in the tray of room service ordered by the interns. He calls her honey. 

FML.

Ominous clouds before Jojo's date.

Jojo baby talks to Ben and it’s very unappealing. Better than baby talking to dogs, though. 

Second sidebar. PSA: If you have a dog and a Y chromosome, baby talk is off the table. Talk to your dog like a damn man. If your voice gets higher than mine and your words are unintelligible, you need to reevaluate your strategy immediately. [This sentiment reflects the feelings of one person and not the thoughts and opinions of the Roses to Riches organization as a whole (i.e. Julie's cool with it.)]

[More hours and sexy times later...]

Jojo gets a nudity censorship box! Jojo says I love you. Ben says I love you! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Jojo (computer keeps correcting this to mojo) looks genuinely surprised to hear that Ben loves her. Ben's going completely rogue on the Bachelor franchise rules.

Jojo: "Are you allowed to say that?"
Ben: "Well I already said it to Lauren sooooo..."

Mojo and Lauren both think they're winning this thing. I vote Jojo for next Bachelorette! It would make sense because there have been rumblings about a "more diverse" Bach-ette and before Jojo’s mom was plastic, Jojo's mom was Persian (shoutout to Persians). Something to think about.

Ben doesn’t say I love you as emphatically to Jojo as he does to Lauren. 

Jojo: "I love you a lot." 
Ben: "I love you I’M SORRY I'M ABOUT TO BREAK YOUR HEART."

These people read the fantasy suite date card as if they have no idea what it's going to say. Corinne knows this date card by heart. 

I pledge allegiance to the rose of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison.
And to true love, for which it stands -
Bachelor Nation, under ABC, THE MOST DRAMATIC, with date cards and helicopters for all.

*curtsey*

Cut to the next morning, Ben is walking weird. Jojo did crazy things to him last night.

The producers send in psycho Caila to surprise Ben. They give her the crazy music so we know this will not end well. Caila is never going to surprise any man ever again.  

They sit down for a chat.
Ben: "I’ve been thinking about the ups and downs of this process. Heads up, you’re about to be in a down moment."

He breaks up with her. Caila’s sad and wishing she was wearing a whole shirt. They say goodbye and in typical Caila-acting-like-her-life-is-a-movie-script fashion, she jumps out of the car while it's still moving to get one last word in with Ben. She basically pulls a half-Nick V, asking (in so many words) "why did you make love to me if you weren't in love with me?" Welcome to being a woman, Caila. Ben gives her a generic response and she gets back in the car. Buh-bye.

Observations from The Nest
Gena: "I could never be the Bachelorette, I have enough trouble telling my Tinder dates I don’t want to go on a second one."
Sam: "This is such an effed up show."

Good talk, guys.

The remaining ladies arrive at the Good Hope Great House rehab facility for the rose ceremony. Jojo really pulls out the stops with these rose ceremony dresses. Lauren...not so much this week because she clearly thinks she's got this in the bag. I'm surprised she's even wearing makeup. Can't let yourself go yet, Lauren, it ain't over till it's over! While they're "waiting for Caila to arrive" they make small talk about the week they just had. 

Jojo: "Sooo…how was it for you?" 
Lauren: "How was it for you?" 
Jojo: "I asked you first."  

Default roses awarded all around. Group hug because Ben loves both of you! 

Vintage Ben Higgins.

We're down to the final two ladies! I can't believe the season is almost over. Next week is Women Tell All. No points will be awarded during this episode. There also will not be a blog post. I'm giving you a week's notice so you have ample time to find a replacement highlight for your Tuesday. 

If you're in Chicago, please plan to join us March 14 for the finale! We'll be watching at Gaslight Bar (where we had Draft Night). More details to come. Save the date.

Standings have changed a bit since the alterations re: Caila, so check how your team is doing going into the final episode!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

League Commissioner

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Ben H Week Eight: Hungover and Hard Up

To continue our foray into blog delegation, this week's blog post comes from long time league participant Clare C. out of Chicago, IL. Always the runner up, never the winner, Team Competitive Clare is always a fierce force to be reckoned with. As a Roses to Riches OG, she's got jokes.

Oh, and if a Bachelor producer happens to be reading, Clare would make a top notch contestant. Contact us for business inquiries.

Enjoy!

Hey Batches,

Competitive Clare, here. I’m gonna go ahead and put it out there that it is an honor—I repeat—an HONOR to be guest bloggin' this week. Let’s dig in.

First of all, let’s clear a few things up—even if all of your ladies have been eliminated, if you are in the lead (aka, you had Olivia and Emily and Jubilee on you team), you can still win it all. If someone has the winning lady on his or her team (cough LAUREN cough), you do not necessarily win. That is to say, in Quidditch, catching the snitch does not always mean you have won the match.

I'm not a nerd. Shut up.

Okay. On to tonight’s episode. The preview of tonight’s episode was just as good or better than the episode itself. Well done producers. The shots of Amanda’s hometown were like something out of the Blair Witch Project. Handheld shots of Ben and Amanda looking devastated in a narrow haunted house hallway while demon children scream bloody murder. (jk, they’re cute. They’re just kids. Have you ever met kids? They cry. Ben’s about to figure that out)

In fact, much of this week’s episode was accompanied by a decent amount of murder music. And, surprisingly, not only when Caila’s serial-killer-rapist-from-SVU-season 3- father was present.

This man haunts my nightmares.

Ben starts the episode by letting us know he thinks this is going to be an amazing week. Is it Ben? Is it though?

Amanda runs towards Ben on the beach like she's on Baywatch, only wearing less clothes. No, seriously, this was so inappropriate. Her shirt was falling off of her. Definitely not okay mom attire, unless you’re preparing to breastfeed your little girls. Too much? Too real? Okay. Just saying. Girl was naked from the waist up.

Someone in the Nest said that Amanda reminded them of a Disney princess. She's not. She’s like a Disney princess’ clingy older sister who was ignored and didn’t get to take voice lessons and never got rid of that horrible nasal Midwest accent, and whines all the time and gets spray tans and botox. 

We got to meet her little girls (who she couldn’t fully hug because one hand was devoted to making sure she didn’t flash the camera crew). One of the little girls said she felt “shy.” That was cute. We’ll give her that, she made cute kids. The only problem was, Amanda (or a producer) felt it was appropriate to make a 4 year old child wear GLADIATOR SANDALS ON THE BEACH. ON THE BEACH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A SAND TRAP THOSE SHOES ARE??

When meeting Amanda’s family, Ben said “the girls were amazing, but it was a LONG day.” Come on Ben. You can fake liking the kid thing better than that. He and Amanda put the kids to bed and Ben immediately hits the Pinot Noir.

Amanda’s dad correctly asserts that Ben looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Ben literally said, at one point, in response to how he got along with the children, “they…didn’t hate me?”

In an effort to make herself feel better, Amanda talks to her mom about how she needs to focus on dating FOR THE SAKE OF HER CHILDREN and having fun. So, she felt the best way to do that would be to abandon them for 8 weeks and go on The Bachelor. Dear Amanda, have you ever tried just…like…dating? In your hometown? With other humans not on TV? There’s this great dating app you should try.

Ben and Amanda’s dad have a heart to heart and pops basically says “trust me….you might think you want kids. But you don’t want kids.” Cut to Ben, knee deep in Pinot Noir, saying “I’m a little buzzed right now….but I hear what you’re saying. Believe me. I. Hear. What. You’re. Saying.”

Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time?

Ben and Amanda then woke up the little girls from their nap in order to have a cute bedtime story for the camera. Sorry, no napping. We’re in show business, kiddos.

Amanda then proceeds to tell her family that Ben is the one.

Ugh. Moving on.

"No way she's from Portland, she wears makeup."

Lauren proceeds to kill it. She takes him to food trucks and feeds him eggs and butter on bread. EGGS AND BUTTER ON BREAD. Done. He fed her grilled cheese. Shuh uhp. She then takes him to the WHISKEY LIBRARY. Literally my dream.

Except. She called in a Libary. Which breaks my heart and makes me extremely happy all at once. 

We then go back to Lauren’s family’s house, where we meet her EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD DOG. THAT’S ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX IN DOG YEARS. This dog needs to be dead. It really does.

Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside and starts grilling him. But Ben is about to smash her doubts and make her fall in love with him. Ben is pretty good at handling curveballs. After all, he was on Wrigley field last week. She asked, “how do I know you’re not saying the exact same thing to everyone.” Ben handled it by saying that every girl left is amazing, and if he gets on one knee, that means he really means it.” Well played, Ben. You should be in politics. Way to not answer the question.

Then, to get her sister off his back, he took a moment to look down and force himself to cry, to prove his love for Lauren. Jk. It seemed like he really cried out of genuine residual hangover  exhaustion  love. Ben and the sister almost make out, but they decide not to in front of the camera. Class acts, those two.

Ben continues to be the politician we know him to be and navigate dangerous waters when dealing with the dad. He straight up says he’s not good at this and the process has been hard to handle. Way to be, Ben, way to be. Honesty is the best policy.

Lauren continues the trend of saying that she thinks Ben is the man for her. Her dad pats her on the head and reminds her that she’s a big ole dummy. He calls her Baby Lolo, and suddenly, I’ve found my stripper name.

Next, we’re onto Caila and BLAH BLAH BLAH I seriously can’t hear or understand anything you’re saying, that’s how little I care about you. She talks vaguely about how she wants a REAL house to make out in, not just a toy house. I don't know. I didn't listen.

They go on to make out in her father’s toy factory (or...murder house?), and Ben picks Caila up as the soundtrack from Flashdance plays. Her father has previously made it clear to the workers that their pay will be docked if they don’t applaud and make it look like a heartwarming blue-collar moment out of Rudy (Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuuudy.)

Caila’s lovely Filipino mother has adult braces and is sweet, while we all continue to be terrified by her serial killer father that happens to be CEO of Step 2 Toys (get after that toy fortune Ben. Get it.) 

Folllowing in her serial killer father’s footsteps, Caila says a fear that only serial killers and sociopaths generally feel—that deep down feeling that she is incapable of love. Oof. I’m gonna slowly back away from you now.

Despite her creepy lack of being able to love, she whispers (I kid you not, WHISPERS) “I know he’s the one” to both her mother and father. Caila, honey, you’ve got a microphone on. The cameras can still hear you (and see you) even when you whisper.

Her dad responds saying “I wish he was the one for you, but there are other girls, and you have no idea.” She proceeds to cry. Dad predicts that she’s going to get crushed. Clare gives a quiet evil laugh, because Clare agrees.

Caila continues to creepily whisper “I know he’s the one” about 8 times.

I think we’re done here.

Ah, finally, to Dallas. Jojo sees a bouquet of red roses on her doorstep and reads a FULL PARAGRAPH OF A LETTER (which contains the sentence “I’m not just writing this because you are on a show”) before she realizes the flowers and note might not be from Ben.

I’m just gonna say this. If you have no idea what your man’s handwriting looks like, you maybe aren't in a place to consider marrying him.

She breaks down and loses it, revealing that she is not the slightest bit over Chad.

Yep. His. Name. Is. Chad. Come on now.

She calls him, and we get a glimpse into what a complete and total tool Chad is. She reveals that he is the one that broke it off, and she begged him to come back. To add to Chad’s totally creeposity, let us remember that he delivered a bouquet of RED ROSES to her doorstep, knowing full well that she is on The Bachelor and practically has to beg for a SINGLE red rose every week.

Chad is all like, step up Ben, I got her a whole bouquet. Step. Up.

Quick reminder: HIS NAME IS CHAD.

Jojo tearfully welcomes Ben, and awkwardly says “First, welcome to Dallas” about four times. During Jojo’s description of the events, Ben develops a pretty intense case of murder eyes, and experiences some mild PTSD from a past relationship in which there was cheating. The two of them are practically twitching throughout the entire conversation.

Elizabeth gleefully observed, "Ben's limo wall (guard) is going RIGHT back up."

Ben meets the fam, and Jojo says y’all 14 times in order to prove they’re from texas. When asked why Jojo is different, Ben puts it out there and says he feels more himself with her than anyone else. Bold move, Ben, bold move. 

This does nothing to satisfy the hunger of the Patton men. They both creepily state that they are very “attached” to their sister, and make Ben squirm. The brothers buckle down with Jojo and remind her that she’s had two (count it)—one, two—(They hold up two fingers, to make sure she gets it)—TWO dates with Ben. They straight up tell her that he is not as emotionally invested as she is, and tell her to protect herself.

The bros confront Ben and accuse him of brainwashing the women, and psychologically tricking the ladies into desiring him. Hold up, slightly-hotter-brother-Patton—didn’t we see you on Eva Longoria’s Ready for Love? And (as research yields) haven’t you yourself participated in dating a bachelor alum?! You best check yoself before you wreck yoself.

While the brothers might be used to this kind of chaos and DRAMAAA, this whole “dating-multiple-people” thing comes as a shock to Jojo’s mom. Though, to be fair, you might not be able to tell she is shocked at first, since she cannot move her face and can barely speak, due to offensive levels of plastic surgery.

#duckfaceforever

Strange as it seems, it legitimately appears as though her mother did not know there were still 3 other girls involved on this show. While she initially told her daughter “you won’t get hurt, you’re beautiful” (helpful, thanks mom), Jojo rebuts saying “there are still three other people involved” and Mama Jojo literally says “…oh!” and covers her mouth in shock.

I can’t express the joy this moment brought the ladies of the nest. We rewound it 3 times to watch her mother’s grief at realizing her daughter is, in fact, on a reality show. All of a sudden, her mother is sobbing that she needs to “have faith” and starts chugging champagne from the bottle while the cameras are still rolling.

"Honey, they're still filming." -Jojo's dad, Joe

Here comes the Rose Ceremony. Jojo realizes she’s screwed so wears the sluttiest dress she can find. And damn gurl, it works. OH HAY GURL.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that, at this point, I find it so creepy and weird that he just hands out roses to women he might marry. This is the point where it feels a little TOO demeaning. Can I just say that? Rose ceremonies should stop at this point. Breakups should just happen in person. Let’s write Chris Harrison a letter about it.

Ben gives Lauren a rose. Obvi. Future wife.

Ben gives Caila a rose and tears of boredom are shed across the nation. A moment of intense eye contact between Amanda and Jojo, which we in the nest determined was a moment of support and solidarity.

I gotchu, girl.

He sends home the mom.

Cold. Blooded.

Amanda took it like a champ and told him she wished he’d just told her in person at the time. Ben continues to keep it real and says his feelings for the other women were simply stronger. Ben cries, feeling glad to be done with her, but rightfully guilty about the way it went down with the kids. It’s sad. Ben is a good person, and I’m still #TeamBen.

We end the episode with a wonderful excerpt of Lauren’s blonde, pubescent brothers attempting to intimidate Ben. The contrast between the two sets of brothers is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Ben nearly shit his pants when dealing with the JojoBros, and legit could not stifle a laugh when the Culkin brothers questioned him about the fantasy suite.

Love and Roses,

Competitive Clare

Hoes in Diff. Area Codes Conference

_________________________

Check your points! We have two weeks left and many teams are in peril. Props to those of you (Maggie B. in particular) who drafted the top four contestants!  Remember, winners are based on point total and NOT having the fiance on your team.

P.S. Sharing the blog and bragging about your points is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED and sometimes rewarded. Do it.

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