Ben H Week Nine: If You Choose to Forgo Your Individual Dignities...

I’m taking back the blog reins this week! I have missed it so much. Guest bloggers, you were so wonderful and you did a fantastic job and I am so grateful. But I have to admit I was feeling dethroned by my own empire. It was unsettling. SO I’M BACK. But don't call it a comeback.

This week's episode has a lot of meat to it (heh). What/who will go down in the fantasy suites? Who will Ben say “I love you” to? Will Caila deliver on her Sex Panther promises?

Speaking of Caila, I do need to make one major clarification. There has been some confusion as to whether or not Caila is a minority and should be earning points for her Filipino heritage. It was a gray area because the category originated as “Black Guy Points” before ABC started to diversify their diversity. After much debate among the commissioners, it has been decided that Caila is indeed a minority. The RtR qualification for minority is whether the person would check something other than “white” when filling out the census. Since we had not been awarding minority points thus far, this week we will award all 40 minority points Caila should have earned in Weeks 1 through 8. Roses to Riches sincerely apologizes for any inconvenience, disappointment or outrage this may cause.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way (or unpleasantries, depending on how you drafted), let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on.

The peanut gallery is debating the hotness of Ben. Group consensus: he’s hot but approachable. Elizabeth and Sam consensus: he is a flawless human specimen. We learn that Rob S. knows three straight women who don’t find him attractive at all. They can see themselves out.

Exotic locations! Jamaica! Ben needs to be wearing white linen pants and nothing else, pls and thx.

Caila gets the first date. Question: would you rather be first or last during Fantasy Suite week? Pros and cons to both. I would say first, for a variety of reasons. Discuss in the comments.

Ben: "Will I be able to get below the clothes surface of Caila?"
Producer: "Probs."

Caila reiterates that her biggest fear is that she can’t love. I don’t think she realizes that she sounds like a character on Criminal Minds. And not in a good way, like the love interest of SSA Derek Morgan. She is the sociopath serial killer. Guess the apples in that family don't fall far from the tree.

Derek, you slay me.

Caila and Ben have nothing to talk about on their bamboo float ride through the lazy river of Jamaica. Really bodes well for their future together.

They get to the second part of the date and suddenly Caila is Ben's chattiest friend. She's been holding in words all day and now she’s just vomiting them at Ben in the most uncomfortably staged conversation.

Caila: "I can't love anyone but when I'm with you I feel happy and my gut tells me I'm wrong but I love you question mark?"
Ben: "Can we get to the sex part now?"

Seriously, what just happened? When Caila talks she does a bunch of 180s and somehow ends up facing the right direction. Ben can only focus on the sex jaguar panther. He hands her the Fantasy Suite card. She reads it.

And then, Ben gives her a look that sends women and gay men across America into a tizzy and in need of a cold shower. I don't think I have words to suffice. Only gifs. We rewound it many many times, and I've immortalized it here for you. You're welcome.

LOOK AT HIS HUNGRY EYES. Game over.

We can assume they boned since that's obviously the only reason Caila is still here. There's no way he can actually like her. She is an ABC-manufactured Bachelor robot with the fatal flaw of not being able to love. Back to the drawing board, interns. Rework that prototype.

[Probably a few hours later...]

Lauren walks weird. It looks like she's chafing, which is unfortunate. Plus it's super hot in Jamaica so her inner thighs are probably on fire, and not in the fun way.

Lauren and Ben release baby turtles into the ocean!!! This is so precious. The turtles are cute as can be, Ben and Lauren are smitten with each other and the turtles, and did we already talk about how cute the turtles are? They're teeny tiny and so excited to swim! My ovaries are freaking out right now.

They have a serious conversation.
Ben: "I cried in front of your sister." 
Lauren: "Ya I know she told me lol"

They have a "you're too good for me" // "no, YOU'RE too good for ME" conversation, which is a marginally more mature version of "you hang up first" // "no YOU hang up first!" 

Lauren says I love you to Ben. And he says it back! She looks pretty surprised. Probably because the entire time up until now they've all been BEGGING Ben for some real affection and he has been very diplomatic about it. Guess now all bets are off. They are cute together. At this point the competition is Lauren's to lose. 

Sidebar: Sandals Resort is getting more screen time than Chris Harrison which I feel is very disrespectful to Our Lord and Savior.

In the morning Ben makes Lauren breakfast brings in the tray of room service ordered by the interns. He calls her honey. 

FML.

Ominous clouds before Jojo's date.

Jojo baby talks to Ben and it’s very unappealing. Better than baby talking to dogs, though. 

Second sidebar. PSA: If you have a dog and a Y chromosome, baby talk is off the table. Talk to your dog like a damn man. If your voice gets higher than mine and your words are unintelligible, you need to reevaluate your strategy immediately. [This sentiment reflects the feelings of one person and not the thoughts and opinions of the Roses to Riches organization as a whole (i.e. Julie's cool with it.)]

[More hours and sexy times later...]

Jojo gets a nudity censorship box! Jojo says I love you. Ben says I love you! WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Jojo (computer keeps correcting this to mojo) looks genuinely surprised to hear that Ben loves her. Ben's going completely rogue on the Bachelor franchise rules.

Jojo: "Are you allowed to say that?"
Ben: "Well I already said it to Lauren sooooo..."

Mojo and Lauren both think they're winning this thing. I vote Jojo for next Bachelorette! It would make sense because there have been rumblings about a "more diverse" Bach-ette and before Jojo’s mom was plastic, Jojo's mom was Persian (shoutout to Persians). Something to think about.

Ben doesn’t say I love you as emphatically to Jojo as he does to Lauren. 

Jojo: "I love you a lot." 
Ben: "I love you I’M SORRY I'M ABOUT TO BREAK YOUR HEART."

These people read the fantasy suite date card as if they have no idea what it's going to say. Corinne knows this date card by heart. 

I pledge allegiance to the rose of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison.
And to true love, for which it stands -
Bachelor Nation, under ABC, THE MOST DRAMATIC, with date cards and helicopters for all.

*curtsey*

Cut to the next morning, Ben is walking weird. Jojo did crazy things to him last night.

The producers send in psycho Caila to surprise Ben. They give her the crazy music so we know this will not end well. Caila is never going to surprise any man ever again.  

They sit down for a chat.
Ben: "I’ve been thinking about the ups and downs of this process. Heads up, you’re about to be in a down moment."

He breaks up with her. Caila’s sad and wishing she was wearing a whole shirt. They say goodbye and in typical Caila-acting-like-her-life-is-a-movie-script fashion, she jumps out of the car while it's still moving to get one last word in with Ben. She basically pulls a half-Nick V, asking (in so many words) "why did you make love to me if you weren't in love with me?" Welcome to being a woman, Caila. Ben gives her a generic response and she gets back in the car. Buh-bye.

Observations from The Nest
Gena: "I could never be the Bachelorette, I have enough trouble telling my Tinder dates I don’t want to go on a second one."
Sam: "This is such an effed up show."

Good talk, guys.

The remaining ladies arrive at the Good Hope Great House rehab facility for the rose ceremony. Jojo really pulls out the stops with these rose ceremony dresses. Lauren...not so much this week because she clearly thinks she's got this in the bag. I'm surprised she's even wearing makeup. Can't let yourself go yet, Lauren, it ain't over till it's over! While they're "waiting for Caila to arrive" they make small talk about the week they just had. 

Jojo: "Sooo…how was it for you?" 
Lauren: "How was it for you?" 
Jojo: "I asked you first."  

Default roses awarded all around. Group hug because Ben loves both of you! 

Vintage Ben Higgins.

We're down to the final two ladies! I can't believe the season is almost over. Next week is Women Tell All. No points will be awarded during this episode. There also will not be a blog post. I'm giving you a week's notice so you have ample time to find a replacement highlight for your Tuesday. 

If you're in Chicago, please plan to join us March 14 for the finale! We'll be watching at Gaslight Bar (where we had Draft Night). More details to come. Save the date.

Standings have changed a bit since the alterations re: Caila, so check how your team is doing going into the final episode!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

League Commissioner