Ben H Week Eight: Hungover and Hard Up

To continue our foray into blog delegation, this week's blog post comes from long time league participant Clare C. out of Chicago, IL. Always the runner up, never the winner, Team Competitive Clare is always a fierce force to be reckoned with. As a Roses to Riches OG, she's got jokes.

Oh, and if a Bachelor producer happens to be reading, Clare would make a top notch contestant. Contact us for business inquiries.

Enjoy!

Hey Batches,

Competitive Clare, here. I’m gonna go ahead and put it out there that it is an honor—I repeat—an HONOR to be guest bloggin' this week. Let’s dig in.

First of all, let’s clear a few things up—even if all of your ladies have been eliminated, if you are in the lead (aka, you had Olivia and Emily and Jubilee on you team), you can still win it all. If someone has the winning lady on his or her team (cough LAUREN cough), you do not necessarily win. That is to say, in Quidditch, catching the snitch does not always mean you have won the match.

I'm not a nerd. Shut up.

Okay. On to tonight’s episode. The preview of tonight’s episode was just as good or better than the episode itself. Well done producers. The shots of Amanda’s hometown were like something out of the Blair Witch Project. Handheld shots of Ben and Amanda looking devastated in a narrow haunted house hallway while demon children scream bloody murder. (jk, they’re cute. They’re just kids. Have you ever met kids? They cry. Ben’s about to figure that out)

In fact, much of this week’s episode was accompanied by a decent amount of murder music. And, surprisingly, not only when Caila’s serial-killer-rapist-from-SVU-season 3- father was present.

This man haunts my nightmares.

Ben starts the episode by letting us know he thinks this is going to be an amazing week. Is it Ben? Is it though?

Amanda runs towards Ben on the beach like she's on Baywatch, only wearing less clothes. No, seriously, this was so inappropriate. Her shirt was falling off of her. Definitely not okay mom attire, unless you’re preparing to breastfeed your little girls. Too much? Too real? Okay. Just saying. Girl was naked from the waist up.

Someone in the Nest said that Amanda reminded them of a Disney princess. She's not. She’s like a Disney princess’ clingy older sister who was ignored and didn’t get to take voice lessons and never got rid of that horrible nasal Midwest accent, and whines all the time and gets spray tans and botox. 

We got to meet her little girls (who she couldn’t fully hug because one hand was devoted to making sure she didn’t flash the camera crew). One of the little girls said she felt “shy.” That was cute. We’ll give her that, she made cute kids. The only problem was, Amanda (or a producer) felt it was appropriate to make a 4 year old child wear GLADIATOR SANDALS ON THE BEACH. ON THE BEACH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A SAND TRAP THOSE SHOES ARE??

When meeting Amanda’s family, Ben said “the girls were amazing, but it was a LONG day.” Come on Ben. You can fake liking the kid thing better than that. He and Amanda put the kids to bed and Ben immediately hits the Pinot Noir.

Amanda’s dad correctly asserts that Ben looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Ben literally said, at one point, in response to how he got along with the children, “they…didn’t hate me?”

In an effort to make herself feel better, Amanda talks to her mom about how she needs to focus on dating FOR THE SAKE OF HER CHILDREN and having fun. So, she felt the best way to do that would be to abandon them for 8 weeks and go on The Bachelor. Dear Amanda, have you ever tried just…like…dating? In your hometown? With other humans not on TV? There’s this great dating app you should try.

Ben and Amanda’s dad have a heart to heart and pops basically says “trust me….you might think you want kids. But you don’t want kids.” Cut to Ben, knee deep in Pinot Noir, saying “I’m a little buzzed right now….but I hear what you’re saying. Believe me. I. Hear. What. You’re. Saying.”

Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time?

Ben and Amanda then woke up the little girls from their nap in order to have a cute bedtime story for the camera. Sorry, no napping. We’re in show business, kiddos.

Amanda then proceeds to tell her family that Ben is the one.

Ugh. Moving on.

"No way she's from Portland, she wears makeup."

Lauren proceeds to kill it. She takes him to food trucks and feeds him eggs and butter on bread. EGGS AND BUTTER ON BREAD. Done. He fed her grilled cheese. Shuh uhp. She then takes him to the WHISKEY LIBRARY. Literally my dream.

Except. She called in a Libary. Which breaks my heart and makes me extremely happy all at once. 

We then go back to Lauren’s family’s house, where we meet her EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD DOG. THAT’S ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX IN DOG YEARS. This dog needs to be dead. It really does.

Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside and starts grilling him. But Ben is about to smash her doubts and make her fall in love with him. Ben is pretty good at handling curveballs. After all, he was on Wrigley field last week. She asked, “how do I know you’re not saying the exact same thing to everyone.” Ben handled it by saying that every girl left is amazing, and if he gets on one knee, that means he really means it.” Well played, Ben. You should be in politics. Way to not answer the question.

Then, to get her sister off his back, he took a moment to look down and force himself to cry, to prove his love for Lauren. Jk. It seemed like he really cried out of genuine residual hangover  exhaustion  love. Ben and the sister almost make out, but they decide not to in front of the camera. Class acts, those two.

Ben continues to be the politician we know him to be and navigate dangerous waters when dealing with the dad. He straight up says he’s not good at this and the process has been hard to handle. Way to be, Ben, way to be. Honesty is the best policy.

Lauren continues the trend of saying that she thinks Ben is the man for her. Her dad pats her on the head and reminds her that she’s a big ole dummy. He calls her Baby Lolo, and suddenly, I’ve found my stripper name.

Next, we’re onto Caila and BLAH BLAH BLAH I seriously can’t hear or understand anything you’re saying, that’s how little I care about you. She talks vaguely about how she wants a REAL house to make out in, not just a toy house. I don't know. I didn't listen.

They go on to make out in her father’s toy factory (or...murder house?), and Ben picks Caila up as the soundtrack from Flashdance plays. Her father has previously made it clear to the workers that their pay will be docked if they don’t applaud and make it look like a heartwarming blue-collar moment out of Rudy (Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuuudy.)

Caila’s lovely Filipino mother has adult braces and is sweet, while we all continue to be terrified by her serial killer father that happens to be CEO of Step 2 Toys (get after that toy fortune Ben. Get it.) 

Folllowing in her serial killer father’s footsteps, Caila says a fear that only serial killers and sociopaths generally feel—that deep down feeling that she is incapable of love. Oof. I’m gonna slowly back away from you now.

Despite her creepy lack of being able to love, she whispers (I kid you not, WHISPERS) “I know he’s the one” to both her mother and father. Caila, honey, you’ve got a microphone on. The cameras can still hear you (and see you) even when you whisper.

Her dad responds saying “I wish he was the one for you, but there are other girls, and you have no idea.” She proceeds to cry. Dad predicts that she’s going to get crushed. Clare gives a quiet evil laugh, because Clare agrees.

Caila continues to creepily whisper “I know he’s the one” about 8 times.

I think we’re done here.

Ah, finally, to Dallas. Jojo sees a bouquet of red roses on her doorstep and reads a FULL PARAGRAPH OF A LETTER (which contains the sentence “I’m not just writing this because you are on a show”) before she realizes the flowers and note might not be from Ben.

I’m just gonna say this. If you have no idea what your man’s handwriting looks like, you maybe aren't in a place to consider marrying him.

She breaks down and loses it, revealing that she is not the slightest bit over Chad.

Yep. His. Name. Is. Chad. Come on now.

She calls him, and we get a glimpse into what a complete and total tool Chad is. She reveals that he is the one that broke it off, and she begged him to come back. To add to Chad’s totally creeposity, let us remember that he delivered a bouquet of RED ROSES to her doorstep, knowing full well that she is on The Bachelor and practically has to beg for a SINGLE red rose every week.

Chad is all like, step up Ben, I got her a whole bouquet. Step. Up.

Quick reminder: HIS NAME IS CHAD.

Jojo tearfully welcomes Ben, and awkwardly says “First, welcome to Dallas” about four times. During Jojo’s description of the events, Ben develops a pretty intense case of murder eyes, and experiences some mild PTSD from a past relationship in which there was cheating. The two of them are practically twitching throughout the entire conversation.

Elizabeth gleefully observed, "Ben's limo wall (guard) is going RIGHT back up."

Ben meets the fam, and Jojo says y’all 14 times in order to prove they’re from texas. When asked why Jojo is different, Ben puts it out there and says he feels more himself with her than anyone else. Bold move, Ben, bold move. 

This does nothing to satisfy the hunger of the Patton men. They both creepily state that they are very “attached” to their sister, and make Ben squirm. The brothers buckle down with Jojo and remind her that she’s had two (count it)—one, two—(They hold up two fingers, to make sure she gets it)—TWO dates with Ben. They straight up tell her that he is not as emotionally invested as she is, and tell her to protect herself.

The bros confront Ben and accuse him of brainwashing the women, and psychologically tricking the ladies into desiring him. Hold up, slightly-hotter-brother-Patton—didn’t we see you on Eva Longoria’s Ready for Love? And (as research yields) haven’t you yourself participated in dating a bachelor alum?! You best check yoself before you wreck yoself.

While the brothers might be used to this kind of chaos and DRAMAAA, this whole “dating-multiple-people” thing comes as a shock to Jojo’s mom. Though, to be fair, you might not be able to tell she is shocked at first, since she cannot move her face and can barely speak, due to offensive levels of plastic surgery.

#duckfaceforever

Strange as it seems, it legitimately appears as though her mother did not know there were still 3 other girls involved on this show. While she initially told her daughter “you won’t get hurt, you’re beautiful” (helpful, thanks mom), Jojo rebuts saying “there are still three other people involved” and Mama Jojo literally says “…oh!” and covers her mouth in shock.

I can’t express the joy this moment brought the ladies of the nest. We rewound it 3 times to watch her mother’s grief at realizing her daughter is, in fact, on a reality show. All of a sudden, her mother is sobbing that she needs to “have faith” and starts chugging champagne from the bottle while the cameras are still rolling.

"Honey, they're still filming." -Jojo's dad, Joe

Here comes the Rose Ceremony. Jojo realizes she’s screwed so wears the sluttiest dress she can find. And damn gurl, it works. OH HAY GURL.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that, at this point, I find it so creepy and weird that he just hands out roses to women he might marry. This is the point where it feels a little TOO demeaning. Can I just say that? Rose ceremonies should stop at this point. Breakups should just happen in person. Let’s write Chris Harrison a letter about it.

Ben gives Lauren a rose. Obvi. Future wife.

Ben gives Caila a rose and tears of boredom are shed across the nation. A moment of intense eye contact between Amanda and Jojo, which we in the nest determined was a moment of support and solidarity.

I gotchu, girl.

He sends home the mom.

Cold. Blooded.

Amanda took it like a champ and told him she wished he’d just told her in person at the time. Ben continues to keep it real and says his feelings for the other women were simply stronger. Ben cries, feeling glad to be done with her, but rightfully guilty about the way it went down with the kids. It’s sad. Ben is a good person, and I’m still #TeamBen.

We end the episode with a wonderful excerpt of Lauren’s blonde, pubescent brothers attempting to intimidate Ben. The contrast between the two sets of brothers is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Ben nearly shit his pants when dealing with the JojoBros, and legit could not stifle a laugh when the Culkin brothers questioned him about the fantasy suite.

Love and Roses,

Competitive Clare

Hoes in Diff. Area Codes Conference

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Check your points! We have two weeks left and many teams are in peril. Props to those of you (Maggie B. in particular) who drafted the top four contestants!  Remember, winners are based on point total and NOT having the fiance on your team.

P.S. Sharing the blog and bragging about your points is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED and sometimes rewarded. Do it.