Nick V Week Nine.Five: Finally, Finlantasy Suites

Welcome back, friends. ICYMI, we're not happy with ABC's scheduling and editing choices this season. See last week's rant for details. Therefore, this post covers two TV weeks, but one week in the Bach universe.

The ep(s) starts with a *~dRaMaTiC~* convo guest starring Andi. She and Nick test their amateur acting skillz to pretend this could get weird. We all know it won't and this whole bit is really just wasting my, and Chris Harrison's, suite sweet time.

Andi, you already had your 15 minutes of fame. Let Nick finish his 45.

The only moment of value in this conversation is Andi telling Nick to sleep with each of his final three, and then chastising him for the infamous "why did you make love with me" line. Oh, the good 'ole days when Nick still wore scarves.

Our rose ceremony is on a freezing NYC rooftop. The poor girls look incredibly uncomfortable. Would it have killed an intern to book a ballroom? Or at least warn the girls to wear long johns under their gowns?

FINALLY, after lasting about seven more episodes than anyone expected, Corinne gets dumped. She immediately starts to bawl. She then proceeds to say the MOST 24 year-old girl things ever and it kind of breaks my heart. She thinks she's getting dumped because she did something wrong (which even though she did, it sucks that she feels that way.) In the limo she promises to never kiss up to a man again, which ALL 24 year-old girls have said, albeit most in an Uber or Yellow Cab. Someone flips her off switch and she promptly passes out.

Bye. I won't miss you, but my scorecard will.

The Core Four don their passports and head to Finland to prove it's a real country. It's probably a good thing Corinne isn't making the trip. Being from Miami, she probably doesn't own a winter coat. On the flip side, she probably would have gone out and purchased the most obnoxious coat of all time.

Hei Finland

Raven gets the first date in Finland. They take a helicopter trip to look at snow covered snow. Then they wise-up, go indoors, and put on a beer blanket. They plan their future in which Nick cooks, Raven folds laundry (#thedream) then argue about the merits of ironing vs. steaming clothing. True romance is unfolding (<pun certainly intended.)

Some producer convinced Raven that it'd be a great idea to go over her non-existent orgasm history with Nick. Raven, dear, you're 👏  on 👏  national 👏 television👏 . Do you want porn producers to spoof you? Because this is how you get the attention of porn producers (or so I'd assume.) Aren't your family members watching this? Hey, I'm all for girl power, sexual equality and all, but discussing orgasms on TV just caught the attention of MY mother. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ORGASMS WITH MY MOTHER. Therefore, I fast forward until the end of their date. Thank goodness, too, because I don't think I could stand ten minutes of Nick in that miserable turtle neck.

End of Raven's overnight date and the editors do everything they can to say "SHE ORGASMED" without actually saying it. They put together an entire Disney-movie-like montage of snow angels, skipping, and birds. Thanks for taking all the mystery out of that one.

Next up we get America's latest sweetheart, Rachel. Every time I see Rachel I get these flashes of anger from ABC's spoilers, so apologies if I miss any details. R & N go cross country skiing together in Finland. As a lawyer from Texas, she's understandably horrible at it. Nick, with his 'Sconnie blood, can at least stand up for a hot cold sec.

Rachel on left. Nick in middle. CH (probably) on right.

Nick alludes to Rachel losing her mind after the volleyball game. A) didn't they all lose their minds? B) Why didn't ABC give us more of that? I feel totally cheated. This needs to be rehashed on Women Tell All. I NEED ANSWERS.

Maybe Rachel's not as intelligent as I originally thought....she's wearing a crop top in an arctic climate. If we can see your breath, we shouldn't see your navel.

They BOTH tell each other they're falling in L-word. Side note: Nick et all are treating "love" as if it were "Voldemort". The feeling-that-must-not-be-named is constantly referring to as an "it" throughout the entire episode, and it's starting to drive me nuts.

Of all the girls, Nick has the most chemistry with Rachel, which induces another round of the rage blackouts. I only snap back to when I notice that she's rocking a onesie the morning after Sexcapades with Nick. Props to you, girlfriend.

ABC PR team, you're on my bad side.

Vanessa is last of the three and she gets the date from hell. Seriously. This is my personal hell. They spend a day frolicking back and forth between a sauna and outdoor frozen ice bath, pretending it's a normal Finnish hobby. Did she piss off a producer at some point, or did they just think that since she's Canadian she's used to being literally frozen to death? First they made her vomit-sick in an airplane, and now they're making her flu-sick via abrasive temperature changes.

Hang in there, V.

Now that their immune systems are compromised, they get into normal intense talks about family, sacrifices and relationship deets. We learn that Nick is a Proud American. *Knucks* They neglect to factor Nick's Dancing with the Stars schedule into their plans. Rookie mistake.

Despite her judgey eyes, it's safe to say Vanessa is in the lead thanks to her practical approach to planning Life After Bach. She's also keeping some teams in the lead thanks to all of her tear points.

Rose Ceremony fashion report: V is rocking a DEEP V. Rachel's dress is FABULOUS. Raven is the only one intelligent enough to wear sleeves.

Raven gets rose numero yksi, and BUM BUM Vanessa gets rose numero kaksi. <- That's your Finnish lesson for the day.

Rachel gets the boot, which is sad because no one should ever have to cry in a dress that beautiful. 

Women Tell All came on after the ep, but honestly, after having the flu all week and being so frustrated with ABC, I can't stand another two hours of this junk. I'm sure the Twitterverse will inform me of anything "important" I missed.

Next week is finale week! Get your watch party together and send us pics of your winning and losing teams.

Love and Roses,

Julie