Andi Week Nine: BYOBC Fantasy Suites.

It's the moment Tom has been waiting for (according to Emily)...Fantasy Suites! Andi journals to pass the time in the Dominican Republic until her dates. I don’t journal. If I were the Bachelorette, would they force me to journal for b-roll purposes?

Andi reflects on the remaining bachelors...

Never in a million years. 

Josh M came out of the limo saying, "How YOU doin'??" How did we miss that? I definitely would've reconsidered drafting him. Maybe ABC was playing the happily-in-love soundtrack when he said it so we couldn't hear. Andi talks about feeling over-the-moon giddiness for Josh M. Newsflash: that’s called lust. Or sexual frustration. Tomato, tomato.

Andi says Josh is going to be a great father. A resounding "WHAT?!?!?" follows from the peanut gallery, so loud I bet Chris Harrison heard it from a lamer viewing party in LA. Conclusion: Andi is a jersey chaser.

Andi calls Chris sweet and funny, says he makes her laugh. This is basically the kiss of death for Chris because Andi is stupid.

Nick's recap, womp.

Nick gets the first date in the DR. They go on a helicopter ride over a strategically placed heart-shaped dark spot in the water. They kiss awkwardly with headphones. Then they spend the rest of the date on a private island. 

Practical Reason Numero Uno why I can never be on this show: I would get SO SUNBURNED. ABC would have to hire a special sunscreen intern for me which is the least sexy.

Andi eats on this date! She's eating CHIPS! In a bikini! Nick physically squirms around trying to say I love you. Andi cuts him off and suggests they go snorkeling. "I want to go snorkeling" is everyone's new Get Out of Awkward Free card.

During fake-dinner, Nick tells Andi that during his free time after hometowns, he did what any 33-year-old from the Midwest would do and wrote Andi a story. All the other 33-year-olds from the Midwest feel betrayed by this revelation. Nick's fairy tale for Andi was actually really cute and she loved it. Big drawback though: if Nick doesn’t win, he can’t do this book thing for his eventual wife. It’s a one and done move. 

Andi pulls out the "surprise" fantasy suite card. Nick rambles about how much he wants to go to the fantasy suite and how he's going to talk Andi's ear off. 

Andi: "So is that a really long way of saying yes?" Nick: "Yeah no I’m down."

On the way to the fantasy suite Nick rambles some more and finally blurts out I love you. Andi clings to his front pockets (this move works every time, amiright, ladies?) while Nick grabs her booty. This is for real, you guys. Nick sees her soul.

Josh M gets the next date, and Andi specifies that Santo Domingo is the capital of the DR so that everyone in America learns the capital of the DR.

Josh M gets drunk on mamajuana, which is the Dominican version of moonshine. It's pretty good, actually. They dance terribly in the town square with the band that ABC hired.

Andi takes Josh M to the Dominican Sandlot to play baseball. Again. OH MY GOD. Josh M seems surprised that Andi has realized that he likes baseball. He's like, "I'm so impressed that Andi paid attention to my one and only interest in life. Baseball is super important to me." HUGE SHOCKER, JOSH M. He speaks in Spanish to the kids and jersey chasers all over the world swoon as if he’s the first man to charm the pants off someone by speaking Spanish.

Josh M gets along really well with the Dominican kids. 1) Because he’s charming. 2) Because he is a child himself. They know he’s stupid/on their maturity level so they are cool with it.

Josh M talks about how NOT cocky he is. No one buys it, obviously, except Andi. He and Andi keep talking about some bullshit and he I CAN'T EVEN WRITE ABOUT THIS ANYMORE AHHHHH.

I’m gonna write some more.

Josh M says he and Andi can definitely work in the real world because they’ve gone through the wringer already. RIGHT. Going on magical dates in exotic locations on ABC’s dime. What about financial struggles, sickness, raising kids? THAT'S THE WRINGER, JOSH M. Eric the Explorer's death was your one chance at going through the wringer together but the producers made Andi do the Rose Ceremony instead. Can I kick Josh M off my team? I don't even want to be associated with him any more.

“I can def see you as my wife, fer sher.” #marriagematerial

Andi wonders, will her relationship with Josh M work without the glam of it all, aka in the fantasy suite? "Without the glam of it all," but with fireworks and in a suite filled with rose petals and champagne and candles by the pool? THIS IS THE TRUE TEST.

***In the middle of the episode, Corinne pulls out an issue of In Touch Magazine with Andi on the cover. According to this totally trustworthy media outlet, Andi is preggo. But who's the dad!? We obviously pause to discuss this breaking news. Looks like the fantasy suites went disastrously wrong. We also learn that the fantasy suite is BYO...BC. Duly noted.

Why is Andi first on this list?

Chris, the most legit contestant on the show ever, gets the last date. They ride horses. Andi wears booty shorts and sandals. What is this, amateur hour? Don't act surprised that you wore the wrong outfit, Andi, you planned this date. She curses like a sailor and starts to panic, which is the last thing you should do because horses can smell fear like babies around Julie. Chris eases her fear by telling her she looks good.

They play ghosts in the graveyard again and it’s adorable. They don’t roll in the hay but they should have. Not enough touching here. This is not going well. Later, Chris asks Andi where her gut is. She says she’s not really feeling it. She cries hysterically about not feeling it. Chris talks her through it but realizes it's over. Jenna observes, “He’s so great! Look at him communicating! It takes a true man to sit there and actually have a legit conversation about this.” Preach.

#foreveralone. I'll go to Iowa, happily.

In an unceremonious elimination (points!), Andi sends Chris home in the most mature breakup on the show ever. For Chris at least. He says, "I want your feelings to be for me. If they're not for me, I want to go home." HE'S SO NORMAL! He once again shows that he is a real man and deals with the situation like a grownup. Chris leaves sans drama and even sans tears, while Andi loses her shit and is an inane crybaby. 

Time for the weekly therapy session with Chris Harrison! Andi reminds us that The Process is 100% a two-way street. "The guys still have to accept the rose,” which is silly. These roses are default roses.

Josh is so sweaty and he’s wearing vans. Why aren't you wearing an undershirt? Isn't that the purpose of undershirts? To absorb the sweat before it shows through your actual shirt? Chris Harrison goes back to the car area to "fetch Chris" and then comes back empty-handed! Fake out! Chris is gone with no explanation. The dudes mentally punch the air in victory because they've made it to the end. Congratulations.

Julie is out! Chris was her last remaining Hot Thot, so she wins wine. Tom is also donezo. Points are up, standings haven't changed much thanks to Rob and Kelly. Next week is the Men Tell All episode! No points and probably no recap. Sorry to disappoint, I understand that this is the highlight of many people's Tuesdays. We'll be back in two weeks for the finale to see who Andi decides to spend the rest of her life the next few months with.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners