Andi Week Eight: Welp.

These were the most uneventful hometown dates in the history of The Bachelor. Seriously. Where is the drama, ABC?? That's where all the points happen. Most of the points this season have been won because of man tears or verbal altercations defending Andi's honor. Which means these bros sometimes are actual good guys who have legitimate feelings. Like, why can't someone just have a crazy ex show up? Or be shamelessly promoting their business? Or have a double life with another family somewhere? Ugh. 

Nick V

First Andi goes to Milwaukee, for her date with Nick V. We really get to see Milwaukee in all its shining glory. Andi gets a cheese head and the river is brown. They go to a brewery which is something Andi has never done before…? They get a little tipsy-tips and do "The Wisconsin Dance." If there's one thing I know, it's that people from Wisconsin LOVE Wisconsin. This dance is SO Wisconsin. Andi and Nick V just jump around like crazy people. I like seeing Nick V like this in his natural habitat because he's so different. He's just a weird, regular ole Midwestern boy doing Midwestern things. It's cute. 

Oh hello there.

Nick has appx one million family members and ominous music plays as Andi meets them all. Nick V doesn't say I Love You to Andi, despite screams of encouragement from our living room. 

Chris

Over in Iowa, Chris looks WAY better in his farmer clothes than he does in scarves. While Andi is en route to Chris's house, Corinne wonders, “Is being a farmer code for 'still living at home with parents?'” We learn that it's quite the opposite. Chris owns his own beautiful home and is apparently super rich, according to his sisters. Chris is too modest to tell us himself. PEOPLE FROM IOWA ARE THE BEST, RIGHT, MOM?

Chris is a grown ass MAN driving his tractor. Andi sits on his lap to drive the tractor/ruin the crops. Did they choose the field that was in off season for this scene? Is off season a thing in farming? While on Chris' lap, Andi muses that “everything is massive about him,” which pretty much tells everything we wanted to know about Chris. Wink wink.

Andi tells Chris that he doesn't look like a farmer and Chris says, "thank you," throwing potentially hot farmers everywhere under the bus. Chris gets a little plane to fly by with a banner that says Chris Loves Andi. They play Ghosts in the Graveyard with the whole fam and Chris wins hometowns. 

Staaaahhhhppppp.

Josh M

To Tampa we go! Josh M all season: “Please don’t stereotype me as just a (former) baseball player!!! But I’m only going to ever talk to you about baseball and on our hometown date we’re gonna play baseball. K?"

They play baseball. Andi breaks the bat. HULK SMASH. Josh M gets to second base through his baseball glove.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF THE GREAT BAMBINO JOSH M talk about something else. Like, seriously, I dare you. Talk about your current job, religion, politics, family, ANYTHING.

Josh’s family dinner date is the Aaron Murray show. Apparently we are supposed to know who this person is? I learned that he's an NFL player. Not a very good one though, heh. Guess mediocrity runs in the family. The Murray family can't accept that though and their lives revolve around Sunday football. Kill me. Andi sees this too and is not necessarily thrilled about it.

No picture for you, Josh M. 

Marcus

Marcus does his strip tease again. Alone, in a sketchy bar on a plastic bench. Nothing else to do in Dallas? Come on, Marcus. I expected better from you. We meet Marcus' questionably abusive mother and everyone has red eyes.

Marcus' sisters informs us that Marcus is a quick finisher. We knew this already because he's on Corinne's team. Andi admits that she’s not as in love with him as he is with her. Def worst hometown date, not just because of the strip tease.

Lol @ opera singer in background.

Marcus goes home, after a dramatic scene where they all learn about Explorer Eric's death. Really sad, nothing snarky to write here.

BONUS! To make up for the lack to wit in this episode and the subsequent note taking, I instead decided to fill out the application to be on the show. My wine bottle and I did this last night. There's a casting here in Chicago next week so we thought it would be funny. Seriously though, if anyone submits this without my permission, I will find you. And I will. end. you. (please use only my 5-15 most beautiful Instagram pictures.)

Here goes.

THE BACHELOR / BACHELORETTE GIRL QUESTIONNAIRE

Name: Elizabeth Anne Walsh
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from? Eliz. It comes from my name being too long for lazy people to write the whole thing out.
Address (Street, City, State, Zip Code) Are you stalking me?
What is the next big city near you and how far is it: Chicago. I'm in it.
Cell #: The people who need it already have it.
Work #: Ever heard of personal space, ABC?
Home #: LOL landlines.
Email: Please don't spam me.
Height: 5' 7"
Birth Date: 9/23/1989
Hair Color: Red. Is this going to be a problem? I've noticed a serious lack of redheads on this show in…all seasons. DISCRIMINATION!
Eye Color: Green, with occasional red/gold streaks, depending on the light
Weight: 1 pound. And I do solemnly swear to never take a bite of food while on the show.
Do you have a valid U.S. passport? Yes.
How did you hear about our search? From years of watching this show in disbelief of its candidates' stupidity. Then from 3 seasons of making a game out of them.
Have you ever applied for the show before? If so, when? The fact that this is even a question makes me laugh with sadness. How many repeat applicants does this show get? Or, better question, for the people who make it on the show, how many times have they applied?
Are you currently: ___Working Full Time ___Working Part Time ___Unemployed ____Student Working full time, like any self respecting human being (unless you're pursuing higher education. Mad props)

Occupation: Boozy Baker // Publicist
Annual salary: Dolla dolla bills, y'all
What is your highest level of education? Bachelors degree
Degree(s): BBA
School(s) Attended: University of Notre Dame
Are you a legal resident of the United States? Yes
If not, where are you a legal resident? n/a
Where were you born? Indianapolis, IN
Where did you grow up? DA SOUF. Memphis, TN to be specific
Do you have siblings? Yes How old are they? 23 and 20
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type? Girl, please.
If so, please give details and dates: n/a
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against someone or had one issued against you? These questions are laughable. No.
If so, please give details and dates: n/a
Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11? No.
If yes, please explain. n/a
Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film? No? Who are these people?!?!
If yes, please explain and give dates: n/a
Do you drink alcoholic beverages? Yes. Isn't that a requirement on this show?
What’s your favorite drink? All of them
Have you ever been married or engaged? No
If yes, how many times? Please list wedding date(s). n/a
If you have been married, why are you no longer together? n/a
List the date when such marriage(s) were legally dissolved: n/a
Do you have any children? None that I know of.
If yes, please list their names and ages and whether they live with you or not. I SAID I DON'T KNOW.
Are you genuinely looking to get married & why? Not to anyone on this show, but eventually, yes. BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE. Just kidding. I always wonder about people who say things like that, because I hear it and just think about how much I hate everyone.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show? I don't. I think it's probably a good way to learn about yourself and force yourself to be vulnerable and express some feelings. Also you get to travel.

Side note: This questionnaire gives you the same amount of lines for every question. Just throwing that out there. I find that a little weird. Why don't they put more emphasis on the important questions? Do these questions really give that much insight to how contestants will fare in The Process?

Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction.
- Physical: Can carry me out of a burning building. Not hideous.
- Personality: Similar beliefs. Assertive, knows what he wants, goes after it. Easy conversation, good banter, lots of laughs. Confident. Family oriented (that one's for you, Julie).
How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they? Just going to briefly skim the surface here…and go straight to a few of the more recent perps…
What happened to end those relationships?
- Guy #1. Found out he was married.
- Guy #2. He invited me to meet him at a bar where i then found him making out with another girl.
- Guy #3. He asked me to me his girlfriend and then vanished a week later. He may have died, I'll never know.
What are your hobbies and interests? Organizing the bachelorfantasy league. Making a mockery of other people's love lives. Baking with booze! Throwing bangin parties!
Do you have any pets? Do pet peeves count? If not, then no :(
Do you have any special talents? Tell us! Baking with booze! Throwing bangin parties! I can wiggle my ears!
Do you speak any languages besides English? Spanish.
List 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you: I don't like this question.
Do you have any tattoos? No no no.
If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
What accomplishment are you most proud of? Starting my own small business, which I will shamelessly promote on the show.
What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship? I wonder how people on the show answer this. I'll go with My <3 "Prince Charming" <3 :)

And that's it. That's the application to be on The Bachelor. You also have to submit photos--full body and closeups of your face.

I was curious how the girl questionnaire differed from the guy questionnaire. So I checked it out. The guy questionnaire has two extra questions:
1. Do you think you are ready for marriage? They only ask the guys this because all girls are born ready for marriage, obviously.
2. Why do girls think you are an eligible bachelor? DYING to know what dudes put here. I'm family oriented. I'm the total package. I'm ready to settle down.^I bet you Josh M totally mentioned his brother in this answer.

Anyway, I think this ended up being longer than a regular blog recap. But it was too funny not to do. Points are up, check 'em out. Next week is FANTASY SUITES!

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth & Julie
League Commissioners