Rachel Week Three: Stripped of Clothes and Dignity

Welcome back, best friends. We're getting sooo close to Paradise season I can practically smell the cheap Caribbean rum! In the meantime....

We pick up back at the mansion mid-week two cocktail party as DeMario begs for a few extra seconds of groveling time.

He admits that he "didn't keep it real" with her about the whole girlfriend-who-he-didn't-recognize-but-definitely-had-intercourse-with and pleads his paper thin case. My girl Rachel subsequently rips him a new one in the classiest way this show has ever experienced, reaffirming that she's too good for this mess and that all of these men need to spend more time bowing down to her. What a week for feminism!! First, Wonder Woman kills at the box office, and now, our Bachelorette tells off a fuckboy while wearing a FABULOUS faux fur jacket. 

You know what's better? The guys are MORE attracted to her BECAUSE she's a strong woman who doesn't put up with nonsense. What a time to be alive!

The rest of the cocktail party is pretty uneventful. Jonathan uses some gigantic hands as a punny prop, securing his cushy friendzone position. Alex multitasks by solving a Rubiks Cube while wooing Rachel with his Russian accent. The rest of the guys are participating in the usual chest puffing.

Eug, I totally forgot Whaboom is still there. And because WB hasn't been cut loose yet, Blake is still whining about him NONSTOP. One or maybe both of them are wasted, or are just delusional because they "don't eat carbs." There's some nonsense spewed about Blake standing over WB's bed seductively eating a banana. Honestly, I stopped paying attention because I was busy googling how many carbs are in bananas. Turns out, not enough carbs for Blake E to justify not eating them. His alibi is weak at best. These losers have got to go.

I imagine it looked a lot like this.

Annnnnnnd the ABC gods producers shine down on us, because both Blake E and Whaboom get the boot during our rose ceremony, along with some guy whose name I don't even remember. Bonus entertainment for the night, the tension between Blake and WB finally boils over during their exit interviews, and the two get in the dumbest but most entertaining catfight I've ever witnessed. Blake goes on his litte high-and-mighty rant, and WB responds on theme with some casual mimicking and figurative dick measuring.

We move on to Week 3 and begin with a group date. The men get to spend some quality time with Ellen DeGeneres, who is on par with Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison in my book...

...until the contestants are introduced on her show and are made to strip & dance for the audience. My cheekbones are sore from all the cringing. It's horrible and makes me hate all of the guys (except Peter, who handled it gracefully and is the only guy I approve of at the moment). The crowd members are actually placing dollar bills in their waist bands, and the guys look like they've spent a little too much time perfecting their lap dances. Vom. 

ABC must be trying to capitalize on Magic Mike popularity. I hate it.

Thankfully, they put shirts back on to play Never Have I Ever with Ellen. We learn that naked selfies are more popular than my text history would suggest, Alex peed in the mansion pool, and Fred has a thing for older women. The men discover who has and hasn't kissed Rachel, which puts a lot of delightful pressure on the have-nots. 

Apparently Rachel forgives Alex for peeing in the pool, because after the commercial break we cut to the two of them making out. I assume we won't be having any pool parties in lieu of cocktails parties this season, thanks to this discovery.

Childhood bad boy, and non-romantic connection expert Fred finally kisses her, but Rachel can't get over seeing him as a kid. The poor guy is trying, and does appear to have grown up, but reciprocation just doesn't happen for him. She's not into it and doesn't see him as an adult. Fred gets the overdue boot mid-date, earning a few unceremonious elimination points.

Bye, bye, Freddy boy.

One-on-one date this week is with Anthony. They ride horses down Rodeo drive, taking their horses IN to the fancy stores. Quite unsanitary. They're constantly yelled at and photographed by strangers on the street, as if they're real celebrities.

Later on the two have a cute little chat and Anthony gets the first private concert. It's a classy jazz band - NOT a C-list artist as per usual, so I'm pleasantly surprised. Anthony is showing himself to be more attractive.

Back at the ranch, Eric is beginning a downward spiral. Each time we see him his clothes get sloppier and his posture slouchier. With a little poking from Iggy, he loses his cool and starts shouting about nothing earning his first verbal altercation points of the night. Things are only going to get more stressful, and as the previews have warned us, he doesn't handle it well.

Second group date of the week. Did Rachel specify to producers that she wanted a stripper husband? Because the men are dancing on the pole in the bus. That's two clear stripper-like events of the week. What is going on?

^filmed at the season's Bachelor auditions.

Rachel's "squad" (HATE that word) is here to help vet the men. We get Raven, Corinne, Alexis, and Jasmine for a little more screen time to boost their Instagram ad businesses. Raven is wearing a shirt that is business in the front and nothing in the back. Bold choice, wingwoman.

The date is mud wrestling, which is sure to bring out the sensitivity and kindness nastiest competitive nature of the men. The mud, however, looks more like modeling clay than anything. Does the constant drought state keep them from making real mud in California?

Kenny, you're cute when I forget that you're a professional wrestler. Stop going out of your way to remind me. It kills the magic.

Speaking of magic, Brady's hair didn't move throughout the whole wrestling match. It stayed perfectly styled a la Ken doll. I sense some hair product ads in his Insta-future.

Elf boy, aka Bryce (whose ears are too pointy for comfort) somehow beats professional wrestler Kenny at mud wrestling. I blame the modeling clay. By the time they fought, Kenny was hardening into a high school pottery class project.

Things got dirty.

Once the guys are all cleaned up we get a fun-filled cocktail party.

FUN FACT: Kenny, the professional wrestler from Las Vegas, also used to be a Chippendale. A modern renaissance man in the worst kind of way. I'm now 100% convinced Rachel's list of partner qualities was: over 6ft tall, likes strong women, & aspiring or retired stripper. The girl is full of surprises.

Earlier in the day Lee and Bryce talked some shit about Eric, and naturally Rachel tells Eric allllll about it during their precious one-on-one time. I fill my glass of wine in preparation for the upcoming confrontation.

Eric has a little chat with the shit talkers under the bus, which is where Rachel threw them. Bryce uses his elfin magic to deflect all negativity away. He basically says "Yea, bruh, I think you're total Wrong Reasons, but you can't be mad at me about it." Eric says "Yea, you're right. I don't want you to tell your boss to put me on the naughty list" and then directs all of his anger towards Lee. Lee gives off that dirtbag vibe (as the internet has already figured out) so he and Eric are now mortal enemies.

For real though, ^those^ are Bryce's ears!

Rachel, who I can only assume likes to keep the guys on their toes, ignores all warnings and gives Eric the group date rose anyway.

On to the cocktail party, Iggy joins back in on the We Hate Eric party. He uses his Rachel time to shit talk. Not only is this a traditionally bad strategy, but Eric ALREADY HAS A ROSE. What is end game here? It's not like you're convincing her to drop him instead of you...shit talking Eric does nothing to help you stay until tomorrow. Plus, you know Rachel is just going to run straight to Eric and tell him what you said...which is EXACTLY what she does.

Eric, rose in tow, rallies the troops in the living room to tell them off. There is a lot of shouting about names-in-mouths, and Eric seriously loses his cool as we coast into another cliff hanger.

Or expect to get called out.

Check your points and please note that tonight we saw Week 2's rose ceremony, and next week points will be added for Week 3.

Love and roses,
Julie

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Nick V Week Ten: 4th Time's the Limit

Is it just me or has this season been dragging on For. Ev. Er.? Honestly. Let's get this show on the road.

Oh my gawd, this shit is THREE HOURS tonight? Need to ration my Final Rose wine accordingly.

Nick's dad: "Going through this process with Nick was excruciating."

Forget you, Lena Dunham. Mr. Viall is the voice of our generation.

It's 7:12pm and Raven's family date is already over. How on earth are they going to fill the next two hours and 48 minutes? My eyeball muscles are already sore from the workout they're about to get doing so many squats eye rolls. Gonna be so toned, though. Bring on bikini season.

Or just watch this show.

The family sits around and talks about all of Nick's failed relationships. I hope my family doesn't do that when I'm not around.

Nick's...brother?: "These women can still say no to him and, given Nick's track record, it's pretty likely that they will."

Good to know your fam has your back, Nick.

How your family SHOULD act after a breakup.

How Nick's family acts after his breakups.

During Vanessa's family date, she tells Nick's family about how she puked on their date and that's when she knew Nick was the one. As someone who has vommed on a date (IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY OKAY), I can vouch for that feeling. Nothing brings two people together like a bout of motion sickness. Granted, we're not together anymore, but it was not because of the vomming.

Ew, Vanessa why are you wearing cargo pants? Just because cargo pants are tight does not mean they are sexy. Cargo pants are only acceptable when on Safari. Or at least when you actually USE those extraneous pockets, which would probably only happen on Safari.

Vanessa has a convo with Mr. Viall. It ends with them both in precious father/maybe-future-daughter-in-law tears and there's not a dry eye in the house. To be fair, my eyes are the only eyes in the house, but it still counts.

Me: "I'm crying right now wtf."
Julie: "Are you watching with people or alone? My mom is disappointed in you."
Me: "Alone. Maybe I'm crying because I'm alone."
*The ep cuts to commercial. The accompanying song is "One Is the Loneliest Number."*

Ridin' that ERC.

Mrs. Viall: "Nick, we know an engagement is precious to you even though you've proposed three times more than the average man."

The family has mixed feelings about both women. The live studio audience is overwhelmingly Team Vanessa but they also hope he ends up alone. #savage

Vanessa and Nick have their final date. They ride horses and visit Santa Claus. Vanessa earns Metaphor Points for making one of the most far-fetched date/activity comparisons in Bachelor History. Vanessa likens believing in Santa to being in love with Nick. Which either means that A) Vanessa is a grown-ass woman who still believes in Santa OR B) Vanessa thinks that a future with Nick is utterly unrealistic and impossible but she's still holding out hope because in the meantime it's fun and you get orgasms presents. GOOD OMENS FOR YOUR FUTURE.

I'm sure you guys are gonna last forever.

They are really drawing out Vanessa's anxiety to an obnoxious level. I guess we're supposed to believe that Nick and Vanessa are each as insecure as the other? She's really only upset because she didn't win it right out of the gate like Whitney B or Lauren B or Shawn B. Maybe if you added a B to your name, V? Just one woman's opinion.

The date concludes. Nothing is resolved.

Raven gets her final date. She does her signature move, the Run and Jump™. She exclaims, "Ah! You caught me!" as if this is the first time she's ever done that signature move. IT'S CALLED A SIGNATURE MOVE FOR A REASON, RAVEN.

They ice skate to a soundtrack straight out of 2001. Like the good Midwestern boy he is, Nick is actually a VERY good ice skater, which is pretty impressive. Like, he can skate while carrying Raven in his arms. Maybe I should raise my standards from "could and would carry me out of a burning building" to "could and would ice skate with me in his arms away from a burning Finnish forest." Maybe that's unrealistic. Feel free to weigh in in the comments.

Nick disappears for a sec and reappears with husky puppies. We're all ded.

THEY'RE SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIEEEEE.

Raven: "This is the best day of my life. I hope my kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies."

Honestly, Raven, that's all anyone can hope for with aliens babies. Thank you for saying what we're all thinking.

We learn that Nick is literally paralyzed by the stress of The Process. He cannot move his neck. Maybe that's because he's old AF and and he was doing tons of ice tricks today! You're no spring chicken, Nick V.

Raven is head over heels for Nick and it's tragic to watch. That's SO Poor Raven. They are setting her up for a HARD fall. She's obviously about to lose and I'm already sad about it.

Neil Lane arrives the door and Nick picks an engagement ring for the fourth time. We see an unprecedented level of camaraderie between Nick and Neil. Maybe because no one in Bachelor History has ever spent so much time with the ring guy.

Nick: "I don't know anything about engagement rings."

Sure you don't, Nick.

Nick prepares to break up with Raven. She arrives wearing a stunning fur coat. I can't wait till I'm 60 and can wear coats like that errday. 

She gives her speech and the imminent breakup is all. over. Nick's. face. How does she not see it? Why is she still talking? If I were giving a speech like that and I saw Nick's face, I'd start to course-correct immediately. "No? This isn't happening? BOY BYE." Throw deuces, grab my fur (and the sunscreen intern who's been seriously bored since we left Bimini), run back to the limo and peace the F out before anyone can earn betch tear points from me.

Nick breaks up with Raven. He cries more than she does. Raven and I are both over it.

Raven's thinking about how easily she can remove her stilettos in this moment.

Fun fact: when we were kids, my best and oldest friend Maggie and I used to play a game called Stoic. Like a staring contest but more intense. I was very good. So in case anyone was questioning my abilities, I'd have the stoic exit DOWN. PAT.

Funner fact: Maggie is currently growing another human being inside her body and I write a blog about The Bachelor. So take what you will from that.

Raven's exit score is 1,000% a riff on Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On." I've played that enough times on piano to know that it's a near perfect harmony. 

Vanessa arrives in a, frankly, subpar fur to Raven's. Nick proposes to Vanessa and she says yes. In the words of Our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison, "It was one of the most anticipated proposals of all time in Bachelor History."

He proposed, she said yes, they're happy. Maybe.

How both Nick and Vanessa are feeling.

After the Final Rose is a lot of waffling over whether they're happy, whether they're not. It's a bunch of nonsense and I really don't want to watch but my remote is far away and I'm comfortable on my couch. Also I'm a rationing pro and still have half a glass of wine left (barely). I hope they're happy, even though they don't quite seem to be. Honestly, I just want them to get married so I can stop seeing Nick on this damn television show. We're all ready to move on with our lives.

Congrats to the Roses to Riches winners and to the losers wine winners. Pool captains, if you have questions about payouts, get in touch with Julie or me. We'll help you out. It's been a hell of a season. Thanks for sticking with us, loyal readers. We love you so. See you in two months!

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

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Nick V Week Nine.Five: Finally, Finlantasy Suites

Welcome back, friends. ICYMI, we're not happy with ABC's scheduling and editing choices this season. See last week's rant for details. Therefore, this post covers two TV weeks, but one week in the Bach universe.

The ep(s) starts with a *~dRaMaTiC~* convo guest starring Andi. She and Nick test their amateur acting skillz to pretend this could get weird. We all know it won't and this whole bit is really just wasting my, and Chris Harrison's, suite sweet time.

Andi, you already had your 15 minutes of fame. Let Nick finish his 45.

The only moment of value in this conversation is Andi telling Nick to sleep with each of his final three, and then chastising him for the infamous "why did you make love with me" line. Oh, the good 'ole days when Nick still wore scarves.

Our rose ceremony is on a freezing NYC rooftop. The poor girls look incredibly uncomfortable. Would it have killed an intern to book a ballroom? Or at least warn the girls to wear long johns under their gowns?

FINALLY, after lasting about seven more episodes than anyone expected, Corinne gets dumped. She immediately starts to bawl. She then proceeds to say the MOST 24 year-old girl things ever and it kind of breaks my heart. She thinks she's getting dumped because she did something wrong (which even though she did, it sucks that she feels that way.) In the limo she promises to never kiss up to a man again, which ALL 24 year-old girls have said, albeit most in an Uber or Yellow Cab. Someone flips her off switch and she promptly passes out.

Bye. I won't miss you, but my scorecard will.

The Core Four don their passports and head to Finland to prove it's a real country. It's probably a good thing Corinne isn't making the trip. Being from Miami, she probably doesn't own a winter coat. On the flip side, she probably would have gone out and purchased the most obnoxious coat of all time.

Hei Finland

Raven gets the first date in Finland. They take a helicopter trip to look at snow covered snow. Then they wise-up, go indoors, and put on a beer blanket. They plan their future in which Nick cooks, Raven folds laundry (#thedream) then argue about the merits of ironing vs. steaming clothing. True romance is unfolding (<pun certainly intended.)

Some producer convinced Raven that it'd be a great idea to go over her non-existent orgasm history with Nick. Raven, dear, you're 👏  on 👏  national 👏 television👏 . Do you want porn producers to spoof you? Because this is how you get the attention of porn producers (or so I'd assume.) Aren't your family members watching this? Hey, I'm all for girl power, sexual equality and all, but discussing orgasms on TV just caught the attention of MY mother. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ORGASMS WITH MY MOTHER. Therefore, I fast forward until the end of their date. Thank goodness, too, because I don't think I could stand ten minutes of Nick in that miserable turtle neck.

End of Raven's overnight date and the editors do everything they can to say "SHE ORGASMED" without actually saying it. They put together an entire Disney-movie-like montage of snow angels, skipping, and birds. Thanks for taking all the mystery out of that one.

Next up we get America's latest sweetheart, Rachel. Every time I see Rachel I get these flashes of anger from ABC's spoilers, so apologies if I miss any details. R & N go cross country skiing together in Finland. As a lawyer from Texas, she's understandably horrible at it. Nick, with his 'Sconnie blood, can at least stand up for a hot cold sec.

Rachel on left. Nick in middle. CH (probably) on right.

Nick alludes to Rachel losing her mind after the volleyball game. A) didn't they all lose their minds? B) Why didn't ABC give us more of that? I feel totally cheated. This needs to be rehashed on Women Tell All. I NEED ANSWERS.

Maybe Rachel's not as intelligent as I originally thought....she's wearing a crop top in an arctic climate. If we can see your breath, we shouldn't see your navel.

They BOTH tell each other they're falling in L-word. Side note: Nick et all are treating "love" as if it were "Voldemort". The feeling-that-must-not-be-named is constantly referring to as an "it" throughout the entire episode, and it's starting to drive me nuts.

Of all the girls, Nick has the most chemistry with Rachel, which induces another round of the rage blackouts. I only snap back to when I notice that she's rocking a onesie the morning after Sexcapades with Nick. Props to you, girlfriend.

ABC PR team, you're on my bad side.

Vanessa is last of the three and she gets the date from hell. Seriously. This is my personal hell. They spend a day frolicking back and forth between a sauna and outdoor frozen ice bath, pretending it's a normal Finnish hobby. Did she piss off a producer at some point, or did they just think that since she's Canadian she's used to being literally frozen to death? First they made her vomit-sick in an airplane, and now they're making her flu-sick via abrasive temperature changes.

Hang in there, V.

Now that their immune systems are compromised, they get into normal intense talks about family, sacrifices and relationship deets. We learn that Nick is a Proud American. *Knucks* They neglect to factor Nick's Dancing with the Stars schedule into their plans. Rookie mistake.

Despite her judgey eyes, it's safe to say Vanessa is in the lead thanks to her practical approach to planning Life After Bach. She's also keeping some teams in the lead thanks to all of her tear points.

Rose Ceremony fashion report: V is rocking a DEEP V. Rachel's dress is FABULOUS. Raven is the only one intelligent enough to wear sleeves.

Raven gets rose numero yksi, and BUM BUM Vanessa gets rose numero kaksi. <- That's your Finnish lesson for the day.

Rachel gets the boot, which is sad because no one should ever have to cry in a dress that beautiful. 

Women Tell All came on after the ep, but honestly, after having the flu all week and being so frustrated with ABC, I can't stand another two hours of this junk. I'm sure the Twitterverse will inform me of anything "important" I missed.

Next week is finale week! Get your watch party together and send us pics of your winning and losing teams.

Love and Roses,

Julie

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Nick V Week Nine: PSYCH!

This week's episode was chock full of absolute horseshit nonsense. I am not happy about it.

Shaking my wine glass fist at you, ABC.

And so, since we've been enjoying our stay we're fuming at this reprehensible production schedule, we are choosing to forgo these individual episodes, and will publish them as a couple in the Fantasy Suite next week. 

Me right now on the outside.

Me right now on the inside.

How I feel about Andi showing up. YOU'RE WASTING MY PRECIOUS, VALUABLE TIME, ANDI.

How the Roses to Riches blogging table looks.

What I want to do to Chris Harrison's face. I hate how much I love you.

Furious but powerless.

Been waiting all season for Nick to bust out the turtlenecks so I could show off this side-by-side. The resemblance is uncanny.

YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK FOR A FULL RECAP AND POINTS. BLAME CHRIS HARRISON, NOT ME.

Love and F***ing Roses,

Elizabeth

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Nick V Week Eight: Needs More Ja Rule--I Mean--Chris Harrison

Happy Tuesday, y'all. Eliz here. Sorry to disappoint, but Sam's Roses to Riches cameo has ended for now. But not without a casual tripling of our regular page views. If you're a Sam Fan, PLEASE STAY. We love you.

This episode picks up where we left off, with a tragic recap of Kristina's departure. A reminder to Kristina, wherever you are: You are WAY too good for Nick. Always know that.

Corinne is convinced she's going home. However, she's only got one arm pulled through her jacket sleeves so I'm automatically discrediting everything she says.

Goals?

Rachel: "The situation is that four people will get a hometown date and there are four people left."
Corinne: "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN."

Corinne: "Nick comes in with roses but I can't count so I don't know how many there are. Also I run a multi-million dollar company."

Turns out, Nick has brought four roses in and gives one to each remaining girl! I AM SO SHOCKED AT THIS TURN OF EVENTS.

This casual af Rose Ceremony reminds me of Season One, when they all used to sit on the couch in their slacks and turtlenecks (for real) while Alex Michel handed out leafy, thorny roses (for real) in his baggy, late-nineties suit (FOR REAL). Fifty seasons later: a lot less fabric, but otherwise exactly the same. This show hasn't aged a bit. Neither has Chris Harrison.

Speaking of, where is that sneaky little devil? We haven't seen him since, what, New Orleans? Was he even in St. Thomas? Is ABC grandfathering him out so they can replace him with Nick? I mean, their cumulative screen time across all seasons has to be pretty similar by this point. Come back, Chris Harrison. I need you. America needs you.

First hometown visit is Hoxie, Arkansas with That's So Raven. This date is straight out of MTV's Buckwild, aka every Arkansas country boy's wet dream. Boy meets girl. Girl arrives to date on a 4-wheeler in Daisy Dukes and a slinky white crop top. Boy and girl go muddin' on the 4-wheeler, roll around in the bog and climb a grain bin. A modern day romance, I tell ya.

A cop pulls up to give them some grief about climbing on the grain bin. Nick looks pretty nervy until we find out that the cop is actually Raven's brother! Let's all act surprised together. On the count of three...

They meet Raven's parents. Raven's mom chooses this moment to announce that Raven's dad is cancer-free! Nick claps embarrassingly loud but we're happy for them. It's emotional and sweet. Raven visits with Mom and Nick visits with Dad. Tbh, between Nick's mumbling and all the Southern accents, some parts of these convos desperately need subtitles. The cop brother has disappeared. Someone's climbing the grain bin again.

Nick doesn't waste any time with small talk and asks Raven's dad for his blessing. He gets the green light.

One down, three to go.

Raven wants to say I Love You to Nick but she just can't do it yet. She's too afraid. That's SO Raven.

We're off to Dallas to see Rachel.

Good thing Nick is wearing a suit because Rachel takes him to CHURCH! YAS GIRL this makes me love her so much more. They get a special shout out from the pastor. Nick does impressively well. By that I mean that Nick is able to at least appear to be having an okay time. Pretty sure the last time he was in a church, he was snogging with Kaitlyn in the confessional. After typing that sentence I probably should see myself to a confessional...

Nick: "This is a little different from my church at home that I haven't been to in many years."

I have mixed feelings here. This date makes me really disappointed that Rachel doesn't win, but also SO EXCITED for her to be the Bachelorette.

Daddy Lindsay, a Texas Federal Judge, can't be at dinner because of work obligations. AKA he would like to maintain his legit legal career and also he's busy weeping for his daughter's future legal career.

1000% guarantee that he is actually there but they're just cutting out his scenes because he wouldn't sign the release form.

They meet the fam bam. Younger sister Heather looks JUST like Rachel. Older sister Constance is married to "a white." His words, not mine. Apparently the Lindsay family motto is, "You don't need to have black skin, but you need to have thick skin." I love that. Hey, totally random question: does Rachel have a brother who is maybe also hiding off screen while clutching his law degree for dear life? Asking for a friend...

Can I marry into this family?

They have multiple serious conversations about race. I would say this is an historic moment for this franchise but that technically would be inaccurate. Fun fact: the First Real Kiss in Bachelor History was between the Bachelor, Alex, and a black woman named LaNease. They discussed race briefly and she made it pretty far. Another fun fact: that Bachelor only kissed like 7 of the 30 contestants that season. Imagine the havoc Corinne would have wreaked on that group! But I digress...

This hometown date with Rachel's family is a big effin deal. Very excited about what this means for future seasons/humanity. Rachel's mom expresses her approval of Nick. A little sad because we know it's about to end for Rachel (and she's the one remaining contestant on my team), but I can't wait to watch her again next season. I'M A SUCKER, OKAY.

Next we go to Miami! Cuban music plays in the background but I don't anticipate any local Cuban cultural experiences.

Corinne and Nick spend the day doing what Corinne does best: blowing through obscene amounts of money for no good reason. They go shopping at "the most exclusive mall in Miami." I think that means you definitely have to own the Visa Infinite Eurasian Diamond Card, which has a literal diamond embedded in the card. Easy.

Nick: "When Corinne walks into these stores it's like Christmas morning for the employees because now they can buy Christmas presents for their families with the commission they're about to make."

Nick jokes about having to pick up a few extra jobs to afford being Corinne's sig oth. Meanwhile, we're laughing because when he says "extra jobs" we know he just means "one real job" because INSTAGRAM IS NOT A JOB.

Nick tries on an ombre Juicy Couture haute couture track suit that costs a cool grand and a half. He doesn't buy it because it's too "Miami Soccer Dad" and he's not ready for that self-fulfilling prophecy. He ends up selecting a simple grey sweater made of unicorn hair, regular slim fit navy chinos that were hand-dyed with actual liquefied sapphires, and blue suede shoes that were dug up and retrieved from Elvis Presley's grave. Corinne signs away close to $3,500 on ONE outfit for Nick, which is more than I pay for three months' rent. As I scoff at them in disgust, I catch a glimpse of the last bite of my dinner: Sunday brunch leftovers. I shed a single tear into my glass of boxed wine.

At lunch, Corinne tells Nick she loves him. It's so awkward and forced. 10 reluctant points to Corinne.

They go to the family's high rise condo for dinner. Corinne's dad makes Nick eat a Greek olive that actually does look delicious. Unfortunately, Nick appears to detest olives. It takes him for.ev.er to chew and he kind of chokes a little while he grits through his teeth that it's the best. olive. he's. ever. had.

Run away fast, Nick. This is your future.

We finally meet the famous Raquel, who serves dinner and then does the Mom Chat with Nick. Raquel is underwhelming in a way that makes me want to organize a rescue operation to liberate her from this family's claws. Although, to be fair, based on Corinne's casual spending habits, Raquel probably makes more money than I ever will. Sooo... #worthit?

Corinne and her dad have girl talk on her bed, which is very uncomfortable to watch. Daddy is worried that Nick is a street urchin who won't be able to provide for Jasmine. Valid concern since Nick is currently unemployed.

During Nick's chat, Mr. Corinne teaches Nick how ergonomic wine glasses work. Nick is so appreciative. Now he finally knows what that little divot is! He does not move his thumb for the rest of the evening. After enduring a painful conversation about who will be the breadwinner, Nick gets the blessing from Corinne's dad. He's 2 for 3 at this point.

Nick says goodbye to Corinne and suddenly I start to feel sorry for her. It's pretty clear that she really has fallen in love with Nick and wants to end up with him. At the risk of sounding slut-shame-y, Corinne probably has never had a man engage in actual conversation with her so often without also having sex with her. He's the first person to tolerate like her for her--not just for her platinum vagine--and she definitely thinks he's the only one who ever will. Corinne! You have good things coming your way if you just grow the eff up. YOU ARE WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. YOU CAN REDEEM YOURSELF. I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Pretty impressed by my own mature opinions on this topic. I've come full circle with Corinne.

Nick saved the best for last, and we go to Montreal to reunite with Vanessa. "Oh, Canada" plays joyously upon our arrival. Now the national anthem of Genovia is stuck in my head.

They go to Vanessa's school and Nick is immediately overwhelmed with emotion.

Shout out to Skenny for this wonderful snap.

They make scrapbooks with Vanessa's students.

Nick: "It was so cool that the interns were able to figure out how to print photos in Canada!"

First they go to V's mom's house. Did we know her parents were divorced? This feels like new information. There are one million of Vanessa's EEEE-talian family members there, so Nick feels right at home. Just a regular Sunday dinner for the Viall fam.

Vanessa's mom: "What is special about Vanessa?"
Nick: "She thick."

The family's biggest concerns are: 1) What is Nick's actual job? 2) You live in different countries? 3) Can Nick think with his brain and not his dick?

We'd all like to know.

There's a 99% chance I have seen this house on Love It or List It. It looks so familiar.

Next they go see Dad. Nick doesn't beat around the bush and asks for permission to marry Vanessa right away. Vanessa's dad ultimately gives in and then immediately spills the beans to Vanessa that Nick also asked all the other parents the same question.

Ooooooo Nick's in trouble.

Nick should've pulled a Ben Higgins and called the parents of the winner right before he proposed. Like just leave em a voicemail: "Hey man, 'bout to propose to your daughter. We cool? Just text me."

Vanessa is ~*QuEsTiOnInG eVeRytHiNg*~. She's finally realized that she's in a competition with other people. Welcome to the world, baby girl.

They all meet up for the Rose Ceremony in Brooklyn, Nick's "favorite city in the world." Vanessa is pulling out ALL the stops with this dress. The competition is hers to lose at this point, but she doesn't see herself as the front runner anymore.

OH MY GAWD ABC ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS AMATEUR BULLSHIT CLIFFHANGER? How is it that I can love and hate you, a television network, with so much passion? Why you gotta do us like that? Like can't you just go on the Activia diet and get regular for once? Plus, this cutoff is particularly insulting because we all know that literally nothing about this Andi conversation will be hostile. Just get on with it already. We're invested, okay? We don't need these dumb antics anymore.

Check your points. Vanessa cried a bunch this episode. My teams are donezo. We're getting down to the wire.


Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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