Rachel Week Nine: Fantasy Despasuitos

Hi there, Eliz here. Welcome to the highlight of your week. This ep begins with Rachel throwing us a curve rose. She wants the guys to meet her family before she has sex with all of them. What a novel idea! Good for you, Rachel. I APPLAUD YOUR CLEAR-EYED STRATEGY.

Alternatively, WWTTD? (What Would Tami Taylor Do?)

Rachel: "If you wanna be my lovah, you gotta get with my fam."
Guys: -______-

Peter's up first and they go baby clothes shopping for Rachel's preggo sister, Constance. Peter understands how children's clothing sizes work and wants to dress the kids in matching outfits. HELLO MARRIAGE MATERIAL PETER I AM READY FOR YOU!!!!!

We learn that Peter's parents got engaged after a month, which means that Peter is open to The Process. Not the best logic, but we'll let it slide. He says a lot of nice things about Rachel and the whole family falls in love with him.

Constance's husband asks Peter what Rachel's weaknesses are. It reminds me of the time I interviewed at Anthropologie as a 16-year-old.

Peter: "She loves customer service TOO much, she folds clothes TOO perfectly, she's TOO obsessed with accessorizing and layering."

Peter wins, done and done and done. This meet-the-family date has set the bar veeery high for all my future meet-the-family dates.

And those standards have now been raised by Peter.

Eric is next. He's so nervous it's making me nervous. He and Rachel have a pre-family huddle and it literally ends with "okay bring it in (for a kiss)." It's so friend-zoney and it makes me fear that Eric might not get a rose this week.

Despite the ENORMOUS HURDLE of never having been in love before, Eric wins over Constance with his earnestness and awkwardly asks Rachel's mom, Kathy, for Rachel's hand in marriage. Kathy basically says, "If that's what Rachel wants, then sure. Fine." We know this answer is code for, "I know that's not what Rachel wants, but I still have to respond in a kind and gracious manner."

When Bryan gets his turn, he and Rach wear their matching watches and it's gross. I know I was all in favor of matching baby clothes, but matching watches is too much. Do less, Bryan.

You're on the slippery slope to matching GRACE tattoos, Bryan.

They go to brunch with Rachel's girlfriends, where Rachel confesses that her first impression of Bryan was that he was a douchebag. Rachel!!! You have good instincts! LISTEN TO THEM.

Bryan learns that Rachel's uncle is a doctor. He makes a mental note not to refer to himself as a physician, as he had been doing previously. Related: for a chiropractor, he has remarkably slouchy posture.

Take a cue from the Queen, Bry.

Ugh, they start talking and Bryan immediately launches into his schmoozy spiel about how amazing he thinks he is. Kathy slams the brakes on this soliloquy by asking whose side Bryan would take in a dispute between his hypothetical wife and his mommy dearest. After some serious deliberation, Bryan reluctantly chooses wife. Rachel is "low key annoyed" at her family for pointing out how awful Bryan probably is.

Kathy: "I asked the hard questions and Rachel didn't like it but THAT'S WHAT SHE SIGNED UP FOR!"

Kathy ^

This is so uncomfy to watch. The fam is grilling Bryan and he's getting burned to a crisp. In an unprecedented move, he excuses himself from the table mid-convo. Rachel's nostrils are flared wide open so you know this shit is real.

In a separate convo, Constance's husband refers to Bryan as "this individual" which really shows how much they care about him. Bryan's date ends pretty unceremoniously. He gets the same "sure, fine" answer from Kathy re: marriage.

Time for Fantasy Suites but jeeeeeez, it feels like we've been watching this for like 3 hours already. We don't usually get three family dates and I'm exhausted.

Vamos a España.

Eric's date is first. They fly in a helicopter. He looks v attractive. Especially in that pea coat?!?! DAMN SON. Real talk, I LOVE a man in a pea coat. It shows a mature and stylish approach to the very practical matter of dressing for cold weather. Like, what am I even supposed to do with a dude who throws on a couple hoodies and a rain coat when the temps dip below freezing? I can't take that guy to my work Christmas party. I can't even take that guy to Trader Joe's. But a man with a pea coat is a man with foresight and dignity and class. And with the collar flipped up? I meannnnnnnnn. Game over.

They bone (or so we are led to assume). I really like Eric but I don't think he's the one for her. Sad face.

Next, Peter and Rachel go to a winery. After lots of hemming and hawing Peter says he might not be ready to get engaged. Rachel says he better be READY AF to get engaged, or else.

Rachel: "I didn't come this far to not get that Neil Lane rock on Friday."

How Rachel feels about getting engaged.

How Peter feels about getting engaged.

We don't get to see if Peter and Rachel bone because ABC is a mean jerk. We won't know for sure until two weeks from now, after we get through the garbage ep that is Men Tell All. Per usual, we'll pretend MTA doesn't exist - it does not count for any league points and there will be no blog post. Save yourself the misery and do something productive with those two hours. Report back with the amazing things you accomplish!

This week was a pretty low-scoring ep, but check your standings and then leave me some love in the comments. I need it.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Nick V Week Nine.Five: Finally, Finlantasy Suites

Welcome back, friends. ICYMI, we're not happy with ABC's scheduling and editing choices this season. See last week's rant for details. Therefore, this post covers two TV weeks, but one week in the Bach universe.

The ep(s) starts with a *~dRaMaTiC~* convo guest starring Andi. She and Nick test their amateur acting skillz to pretend this could get weird. We all know it won't and this whole bit is really just wasting my, and Chris Harrison's, suite sweet time.

Andi, you already had your 15 minutes of fame. Let Nick finish his 45.

The only moment of value in this conversation is Andi telling Nick to sleep with each of his final three, and then chastising him for the infamous "why did you make love with me" line. Oh, the good 'ole days when Nick still wore scarves.

Our rose ceremony is on a freezing NYC rooftop. The poor girls look incredibly uncomfortable. Would it have killed an intern to book a ballroom? Or at least warn the girls to wear long johns under their gowns?

FINALLY, after lasting about seven more episodes than anyone expected, Corinne gets dumped. She immediately starts to bawl. She then proceeds to say the MOST 24 year-old girl things ever and it kind of breaks my heart. She thinks she's getting dumped because she did something wrong (which even though she did, it sucks that she feels that way.) In the limo she promises to never kiss up to a man again, which ALL 24 year-old girls have said, albeit most in an Uber or Yellow Cab. Someone flips her off switch and she promptly passes out.

Bye. I won't miss you, but my scorecard will.

The Core Four don their passports and head to Finland to prove it's a real country. It's probably a good thing Corinne isn't making the trip. Being from Miami, she probably doesn't own a winter coat. On the flip side, she probably would have gone out and purchased the most obnoxious coat of all time.

Hei Finland

Raven gets the first date in Finland. They take a helicopter trip to look at snow covered snow. Then they wise-up, go indoors, and put on a beer blanket. They plan their future in which Nick cooks, Raven folds laundry (#thedream) then argue about the merits of ironing vs. steaming clothing. True romance is unfolding (<pun certainly intended.)

Some producer convinced Raven that it'd be a great idea to go over her non-existent orgasm history with Nick. Raven, dear, you're 👏  on 👏  national 👏 television👏 . Do you want porn producers to spoof you? Because this is how you get the attention of porn producers (or so I'd assume.) Aren't your family members watching this? Hey, I'm all for girl power, sexual equality and all, but discussing orgasms on TV just caught the attention of MY mother. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ORGASMS WITH MY MOTHER. Therefore, I fast forward until the end of their date. Thank goodness, too, because I don't think I could stand ten minutes of Nick in that miserable turtle neck.

End of Raven's overnight date and the editors do everything they can to say "SHE ORGASMED" without actually saying it. They put together an entire Disney-movie-like montage of snow angels, skipping, and birds. Thanks for taking all the mystery out of that one.

Next up we get America's latest sweetheart, Rachel. Every time I see Rachel I get these flashes of anger from ABC's spoilers, so apologies if I miss any details. R & N go cross country skiing together in Finland. As a lawyer from Texas, she's understandably horrible at it. Nick, with his 'Sconnie blood, can at least stand up for a hot cold sec.

Rachel on left. Nick in middle. CH (probably) on right.

Nick alludes to Rachel losing her mind after the volleyball game. A) didn't they all lose their minds? B) Why didn't ABC give us more of that? I feel totally cheated. This needs to be rehashed on Women Tell All. I NEED ANSWERS.

Maybe Rachel's not as intelligent as I originally thought....she's wearing a crop top in an arctic climate. If we can see your breath, we shouldn't see your navel.

They BOTH tell each other they're falling in L-word. Side note: Nick et all are treating "love" as if it were "Voldemort". The feeling-that-must-not-be-named is constantly referring to as an "it" throughout the entire episode, and it's starting to drive me nuts.

Of all the girls, Nick has the most chemistry with Rachel, which induces another round of the rage blackouts. I only snap back to when I notice that she's rocking a onesie the morning after Sexcapades with Nick. Props to you, girlfriend.

ABC PR team, you're on my bad side.

Vanessa is last of the three and she gets the date from hell. Seriously. This is my personal hell. They spend a day frolicking back and forth between a sauna and outdoor frozen ice bath, pretending it's a normal Finnish hobby. Did she piss off a producer at some point, or did they just think that since she's Canadian she's used to being literally frozen to death? First they made her vomit-sick in an airplane, and now they're making her flu-sick via abrasive temperature changes.

Hang in there, V.

Now that their immune systems are compromised, they get into normal intense talks about family, sacrifices and relationship deets. We learn that Nick is a Proud American. *Knucks* They neglect to factor Nick's Dancing with the Stars schedule into their plans. Rookie mistake.

Despite her judgey eyes, it's safe to say Vanessa is in the lead thanks to her practical approach to planning Life After Bach. She's also keeping some teams in the lead thanks to all of her tear points.

Rose Ceremony fashion report: V is rocking a DEEP V. Rachel's dress is FABULOUS. Raven is the only one intelligent enough to wear sleeves.

Raven gets rose numero yksi, and BUM BUM Vanessa gets rose numero kaksi. <- That's your Finnish lesson for the day.

Rachel gets the boot, which is sad because no one should ever have to cry in a dress that beautiful. 

Women Tell All came on after the ep, but honestly, after having the flu all week and being so frustrated with ABC, I can't stand another two hours of this junk. I'm sure the Twitterverse will inform me of anything "important" I missed.

Next week is finale week! Get your watch party together and send us pics of your winning and losing teams.

Love and Roses,

Julie

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Nick V Week Five: Whipped Cream and Lies

Hey, y'all. It's our pleasure to hand the blog over this week to none other than Jillian Wyatt! Jillian is a Nashvillian who has a blog of her own, called FauxFringe. Check that out after you're done reading this. She's a bomb writer and we are thrilled that she was able to contribute to Roses to Riches this week. Without further ado, I'll give you what you came here for: sassy words and sassy .gifs. Read on, my pretties. xoxo, eliz

It is truly great timing that I have the opportunity to blog this week’s episode for you. A mere two days ago, I ran into not one but two former Bachelor contestants in the same day: Luke Pell and America’s Sweetheart Wells Adams. Luke jogged by the Thompson Hotel where I was brunching, and Wells was filling up his vintage Toyota SUV with gas at an East Nashville gas station as I drove past! I have never felt more a part of the Bachelor Nation.

Not that I encourage stalking, but if you happen to be in the Nashville area and you want to know where you too might find Wells or Luke, I’d recommend looking here or here. 

Ok, now on to the show. This week, we are blessed not only to watch The Most Dramatic Episode Ever, but to have it be sponsored by Emma Watson’s Beauty and the Beast! I hope we see at least one yellow dress and a rose in a glass container. Oh! And a singing teapot. (We already know who the Beast is.)

Chris Harrison’s voice over reminds us that last week’s episode left off just as things were starting to heat up between Corinne and Taylor. We meet them where we last saw them, on a bench in a Wisconsin courtyard, and we dive straight back into the drama.

Both women are speaking in the highest-pitched, betchiest voices I’ve ever heard. “You’re, like, not emotionally intelligent, Corinne!” “I, like, literally run a multi-million dollar company, Tay-lor!” I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s dog is barking as a result of these high-pitched reverberations. 

Can't. Escape. The. Voices.

Off camera, Corinne voices her “genuine” concern for Nick. “I’m honestly worried for him,” she says. “Taylor is a bully. Plus she’s disgusting.”

Inside, all the girls are talking about Corinne and Taylor, including Alexis who – let’s face it – aren’t we all shocked that Shark Girl is still here?

In the courtyard, Corinne is pulling the most conniving move by planting deep seeds of doubt in Taylor’s mind. “It’s not just me. No one in this house likes you,” she smiles. “Fifty percent of the girls think you’re here for the wrong reasons.” Taylor looks dismayed. Oh, this cunning bitch is gooooood.

Then, Corinne puts the cherry on top by taking her “concerns” to Nick. “She’s different when you’re not around,” she blinks at him, doe eyed. Classic.

Now we’re at the Rose Ceremony. Yes, last week’s Rose Ceremony. (Are we going to have Rose Ceremonies that span into the following week every week? Because I’m kind of over it. Wrap it up in one episode, ABC!) Nick enters the room and thanks the girls for a “great week” literally three times. “This is the hardest rose ceremony yet,” he sweats, before saying thank you for a fourth time. 

Pro tip: This is much more becoming. Never let 'em see you sweat.

Four thank yous? Is this a sign of Stockholm syndrome? Or just a peek inside the psyche of an insecure bachelor? He does talk about Andi and Kaitlyn in every episode... All these thank yous come off like he’s pleading for the women to stay. “Don’t leave me alone. Again,” his eyes plead as he picks up the first rose.

He gives the rose to Whitney, who has yet to speak this season. The second rose goes to fellow Nashvillian, Danielle M. (yay for Over the Hill points!) Then Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine (who looks as stunned as I do), Vanessa, ALEXIS?! and Corinne. Now we’re down to the last rose, and oh! the tension! It’s for Taylor, which means lights out for Sarah and Astrid.

I’ll miss Sarah’s voluptuous lips and perfectly smudged eyeliner. And I’ll miss Astrid’s… wait, which one is Astrid?

As Sarah leaves the house, she weeps to the camera. “Love is all I want. It’s. All. I. Want.”

“Then go to the fcking grocery store and meet somebody!” my husband, who swears he hates this show, shouts from the couch next to me. Upon hearing himself speak out loud, he looks sheepishly at me, then down to his phone. “I’m just saying, the grocery store is a place she could meet a guy.” Uh huh. I knew he was a fan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made an appearance as a guest blogger before this season’s through. (Editor’s note: sounds like he might have read last week’s post, too. Just saying.)

After a brief commercial break, we find that we’re no longer in Wisconsin; we’re in New Orleans! “I couldn’t be more excited about being here,” Nick deadpans into the camera in the most monotone voice of all time.

After jumping on all the beds in their penthouse hotel room, the girls gather to talk to Chris Harrison, who has just adopted the word “y’all” into his vocabulary. “Welcome to N’awlins, y’all! Let me tell y’all how it’s gonna go this week. Ya’ll fixin’ to have a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date!” The ladies gasp.

“Two-on-one?” “I hope it’s not me!” “Did he just say ‘y’all’?” 

Chris leaves and the ladies open the date card. It’s a one-on-one for Rachel! Annoying Taylor confides that she would “really really really really like to have the one-on-one” which is the most obvious sentence spoken in the history of this show. Stupid bit—wait! Has Corinne turned me against Taylor, too?!

Rachel meets Nick in some sort of open-air market, and she bounces up to him when she sees him. She appears to be wearing a one-piece bathing suit under a pair of yellow shorts? But Nick doesn’t mind. They shop around and feed each other random things from spoons. Then, they shoot oysters on the half shell and I bet you $1,000,000 they’re going to make a joke about oysters being an aphrodisiac – yes! Yes, there it is.

Now they’re pouring hot sauce all over the oysters and I’M SORRY did Nick just blow his hot sauce breath on Rachel’s face? I’m not kidding, y’all. I think that just happened. (“Y’all.” Look at me. I’m turning into Chris Harrison.)

After stuffing their faces with oysters and powdery beignets, they walk outside and just *happen* upon a parade! They join in, dancing around with beautiful lace parasols, and suddenly I’ve forgotten about the cheesiness of the moment because all I can think about is how beautiful and cool Rachel seems. I must buy a white one-piece as soon as possible.

This was awkward to search for at work...

From the heavens above, the rest of the ladies watch the parade through their penthouse widow, lamenting the fact that they can’t dance in the parade, too. A group of modern-day Rapunzels. Or Beasts in a tower?

From the parade, Nick and Rachel casually walk into a concert and dance, almost like it wasn’t planned at all. After dancing, they sit and watch the band, and – Nick’s fingers creep like the SCARIEST TARANTULA ACROSS RACHEL’S SHOULDER?! Did anyone else see that? I swear you can’t make this ish up.

Now it’s nighttime, and Nick escorts Rachel into a building to look at “like, Mardi Gras floats.” After they look around, they sit at a table for dinner, where Nick drinks white wine and Rachel sips what appears to be a foamy beer in a stemless wine glass.

Rachel tells Nick about the full-circle day she’s having. Last time she was in New Orleans, it was for a funeral. Back then, she vowed to live each day to its fullest, and now look at her! She’s in New Orleans again, this time with someone who could be her future husband! Nick asks Rachel about her family, and she tells him that her dad is a federal judge. They wax hypothetical about what it’d be like for Nick to meet him, (“Don’t call him Sam!” LOL LYLAS) and then Nick breaks all the rules by telling Rachel he’s “super into” her. Ahh, the romance.

Nick offers Rachel a rose, and she accepts it. Later, alone with the camera, she confides, “I can see myself falling in love today. I don’t believe in fairy tales, but I believe in today, which was a fairy tale.” I think it will take me years to unravel that sentence.

Back in the penthouse, the women anxiously await the next date card. They all wonder who is going on the two-on-one date, BUT WE ALREADY KNOW, DON’T WE? The date card arrives, and Vanessa confirms what we saw coming from a mile away – Corinne and Taylor are going on the two-on-one.

Sweet, sweet Raven with her jet-black hair drawls into the camera, “I think this is gonna be a fight to the death.”

Corinne v Taylor. A showdown for the ages.

But before that bloody battle, we’re subjected to the group date: an evening in a haunted mansion. “This is going to be spooky and scary!” Raven says. “I am going to rebuke these ghosts in the name of Jesus.” Yes you will, honey.

The women meet Nick at the ghost house, and they sit together in the parlor drinking mint juleps, which are scary in a Diabetes-type way. (So much sugar!) Then, the bartender/caretaker/maybe also ghost named Boo gives them a tour of the house. He tells them the story of an eight-year-old girl, Mae, who died in the house wayyy back in like the 1800’s or something. “Legend has it, she still haunts this home, searching for her beloved doll. Whatever you do, don’t touch the doll – or anything else in her bedroom!”

Jasmine, who doesn’t believe in ghosts, immediately touches everything in the entire house. “Well, she’s cursed,” says Jaimi through the balls dangling from her nose.

The sun sets, and Nick and the women are still in the mansion, drinking and arguing about whether or not ghosts are real. They find a Ouija board and, of course, start playing with it which FOR THE RECORD is breaking one of my cardinal rules. NEVER, NEVER, EVER PLAY WITH A OUIJA BOARD! When I was little, my cousins and I found a Ouija board at my grandparents’ house (why?) and I swear we conjured an evil spirit. I’m talking books flying off the shelf and everything. Don’t eff with that stuff.

But do these bitches listen to me? No. They’re just playing away, asking Mae who will get the group date rose, when we all know Mae does not give a flying fck. She’s just looking for her dolly! She died of yellow fever for pete’s sake! She doesn’t have time for this!

I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so, because before we know it, the power goes out throughout the whole mansion. The ladies are freaking out, but Nick wants to explore the house. He and some of the ladies wander back into Mae’s room, where they discover to everyone’s horror that Mae’s prized doll has gone missing!

You guys – I’m going to be honest. This is where I start to vehemently hate this date. Can we just move on? Basically, a bunch of fake shit happens. Jasmine goes on and on about how she’s not scared of ghosts, Josephine starts touching all of the things Boo tells her not to touch, a chandelier “mysteriously” falls from the ceiling, everyone’s screaming for 20 solid minutes, blah blah blah.

This is just so fake. Come on, ABC. We watch The Bachelor because we like to see a true and factual show full of genuine people who are honestly searching for everlasting love, not this overdramatized BS.

Meanwhile, we cut away from the mansion and back to the penthouse, where Corinne applies a green facial masque while sipping champagne in a bubble bath. Taylor sits, surrounded by candles, in front of a mirror and applies 20 different essential oils to balance her chakras. All of this in preparation for tomorrow’s big date.

Back at the haunted mansion, we talk to Nick, who manages to make this date even more unbearable. “I thought there were 10 women on this date,” he laughs, “but now with Mae here, I have 11 women I need to manage.” [RECORD SCREECH] Need to manage? OH HELL NO. Ain’t nobody here that needs your managing, Nick. These ladies will go on to make millions selling hair gummies and tea that makes you poop without your “management,” thank you very much.

“Things can get kind of catty on group dates,” he continues. ARE YOU FOR REAL, NICK? Would you like to spurt any other offensive “truths” about women, Nick? All of female America is waiting for your commentary.

Somehow, through all the very real ghost things that are happening, and Nick’s sudden and brief chauvinist rant, Danielle L can still see herself falling in love with Nick. Danielle M is glad to have had a moment alone with Nick because she wants to make sure their connection is still strong. It’s been awhile since their week two date. Raven accidentally tells Nick that she fell in love with him during their one-on-one date last week. Oh honey. She is made of pure sugar.

Finally – I thought this date would never end – the group date rose appears, encased in glass just like in Beauty and the Beast. I knew it! Nick retrieves the rose and gives it to Danielle M. She is happy to be one step closer to love, and I am happy that date is over.

And now it’s time for the showdown we’ve all been waiting for: Corinne + Taylor + Nick in the Bayou! The three of them meet and board a small boat captained by a man with a beer gut and curly blonde ponytail. Taylor is wearing a fishtail braid, which… is… fine…

“I hope Nick sees my golden heart on this date,” Corinne says, miraculously leaving out mention of her platinum you-know-what this time around.

After a quick spin around the swamp, the three lovers hop off the boat and traipse through the woods, where I can only assume they’re all contracting the Zika virus. They happen upon a Voodoo ceremony, where they meet a Voodoo priestess. We all breathe a sigh of relief when she tells them she can help “bring truth to the surface.” Well, why didn’t we just hire this lady in the first place?!

The priestess guides the love triangle to a table, conveniently placed amidst the trees, where a tarot card reader sits. She talks to the ladies one-by-one, starting with Taylor, and reveals their truths.

“It feels very tense,” the reader tells Taylor. “There’s a lot of energy and tension. There seems to be a negative energy around you.”

Cut to Corinne, who is snuggling with Nick on a log a mere five feet away. “My daddy Alabama,” she smiles at him. “Mama Louisiana.” And then, once again, she starts spinning to Nick about Taylor picking on her. “She’s such a bully!”

“How does that make you feel?” Nick asks flatly, completely disinterested. My husband chortles from the couch.

Now, it’s time for Taylor to join Nick, and Corinne sits with the reader. “How do you make a Voodoo doll specific to a person?” Corinne asks immediately.

Meanwhile, on the log, Nick tells Taylor he was surprised to hear that she’s been bullying Corinne. “What? She flat-out asked me ‘what is emotional intelligence?’” Taylor defends, as if that explains anything. Of course, we can see what Taylor can’t – that Nick lacks emotional intelligence, as well.

In the background, we see Corinne pushing a pin into the heart of the Voodoo doll she and the reader just crafted together. 

Finally, having gained all of this clarity, the Taylor and Corinne sit alone at the reader’s table, waiting for Nick to give one of them the rose.

“Taylor is a bug. She belongs in a swamp,” Corinne’s voice over tells us. “Have you seen my butt? It doesn’t belong in a swamp!” The producers grace us with a gratuitous shot of Corinne’s full bottom.

“I know that Nick will see through Corinne’s lies,” Taylor says. “He won’t pick her. If he did, their relationship would be based off of whipped cream and lies!” And now we know the name of Corinne’s forthcoming memoir.

Nick joins the ladies at the table. “I’m as anxious as I was on night one,” he says. But this isn’t about how the ladies are getting along; it’s about his feelings. “This won’t be easy, but I know what I have to do.”

He picks up the rose. “I need to have an emotional connection with the person I’m going to spend a life with.” DUH. “And that’s why –“ he turns to Corinne. “Corinne, will you accept this rose?” Of course she does.

Nick hugs Taylor goodbye, and he and Corinne return to the boat, where the ponytailed man is waiting to take them away. Now there’s no one left but Taylor and the gators. Oh! and the Voodoo priestess, whom Taylor joins for a cleansing ritual in the nighttime that has suddenly fallen. (Weird, the sun appeared to be out just a moment ago?) The priestess sprinkles water all over Taylor’s arms and head as others circle around and chant.

“I won’t go home without speaking my piece,” Taylor vows, even after the Voodoo priestess told her SPECIFICALLY not to engage. Personally, it seemed to me like the appropriate time for piece speaking was a few minutes ago before Nick abandoned her in a swamp? But what do I know.

Nick and Corinne have now changed into evening wear (still no yellow Belle dress, unfortunately) and they just sit down to enjoy a nice dinner together when – gasp! – Taylor shows up, having emerged from the swamp! She’s soaking wet and covered in Spanish moss, speaking in Voodoo tongues. Corinne gasps. Nick looks scared. And before we know it – the episode is over. 

Nick and Corinne when Taylor reappears.

Wow, that truly was the Most Dramatic Episode of All Time.

Next week on the Bachelor: Wait, I’M SORRY. Did someone just say “two people went home on the two-on-one date”? Does that mean Corinne goes home? Or does Swamp Monster Taylor murder her with her newfound Voodoo powers? Wait, now Nick is crying? Now all the ladies are crying? This is producer magic at work, people. Can’t wait.

Of course, we’ve found ourselves in yet another Rose Ceremony-less episode, but oh man. It looks like this is about to get good.

Love and Roses,

Jillian

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JoJo Week Nine: Too Little, Too Late

It's Fantasy Suites week! Christmas came early (heh) for these sexually frustrated contestants. Everyone's jet lagged, cranky, and horny, which makes for lots of tension. So excited.

Before we get started I'd like to give a big middle finger to ABC7 Chicago for their abominable broadcasting choices last night. Some producer decided it would be a good idea to air the Crosstown Classic (Cubs vs Sox) INSTEAD OF THE BACHELORETTE during the regularly scheduled primetime slot. Which is so unbelievably annoying. Anyone who gives a flip about the Crosstown Classic is going to be AT the Crosstown Classic. No need to ruin everyone else's night too. So they moved JoJo to the 12-2 AM slot. Rude.

I used to date a guy who works at that news station so we can just assume it was all his fault. Thanks for nothing, Roger.*

Moving on.

We pick up where we left off, with the ultimate cliff hanger: will Luke stay or will Luke go? Last week JoJo told us that she needed to send Luke home, luring us into a false sense of security that Luke surely would not go home. Because he's Luke and Luke is the perfect man.

The men are suspicious. JoJo is in tears. She comes back to distribute the roses...

Jordan. Robby.

CHASE?!

WHAT?!

Luke is gobsmacked. I am gobsmacked (I am also filling out my Bachelor application right after this episode ends).

The musical score is vaguely reminiscent of My Heart Will Go On, except this time Rose is actively kicking Jack off her flotation device.

Never let go, my ass.

Luke can't form sentences, muttering things like, "This isn't supposed to happen." He also quotes the Original JoJo, saying his Hail Mary I Love You was "too little too late." FINALLY! I've been waiting all season for that reference to be made. Only took nine episodes to acknowledge the JoJo-sized elephant in the room.

TRUE IN SO MANY WAYS.

JoJo is visibly torn up about sending Luke home. She's basically on the ground sobbing about it and the other guys can definitely see her. Awkward.

On the outside, I am shaking my fist at the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. On the inside, I am full to the brim with pure, unadulterated admiration for the producers for making us believe that Luke was safe. They completely pulled the rug out from us and it's a blissful freefall on the ERC of quality reality dating television.

So our final three men are Jordan, Chase and Robby. Interesting. Chris Harrison hops in that private plane while the rest of them fly Delta (economy class) to Thailand.

JoJo: "Saying goodbye to Luke was hard but knowing that I still have Jordan three great relationships makes me very excited for the future."

Robby gets the first date. They experience local culture and get a foot massage. They continue to hash out the problem of Robby's ex but he handles it pretty well. Good for them for having a real-ish conversation. All the while his facial hair is still perfectly sculpted.

Robby calls her Jo which is kind of cute. He's expecting her to say I love you, which is naive. Props to him for not backpedaling on his own I love you, but come on dude. Have you seen the show? That's against the rules. CoughcoughBenHigginscoughcough.

Speaking of Ben, JoJo continues to talk about him and how much he effed up by telling her he loved her. We know, JoJo. We know.

Robby shows JoJo a lunch box letter from his dad that says, "Good luck on your math test. Wear a condom. Love, Dad"

They're at dinner talking about how much they want to bone. JoJo pulls the Fantasy Suite card out from under her plate. Sneaky! Robby says yes without opening the envelope but he's contractually obligated to read the card so he does.

Robby: "JoJo gave me the Fantasy Suite card so now I can stop having sex dreams about JoJo and just have actual sex with JoJo!"

Robby again: "I want to be late to work because I didn't want to get out of bed with JoJo and I want to leave work early to go home to JoJo."

Ummmmm hey Robby? What about JoJo's job? As far as we know you're just a man who used to have a hobby so maybe JoJo will be the one to leave YOU waiting around in bed all day. Her job is not to make sweet sweet love to you all day and all night. Get out of the pool and get real.

They make sweet sweet love all day and all night. The next morning JoJo has real-life bedhead which I totally appreciate. They eat their First Breakfast Together. Clearly JoJo is the kind of person who celebrates month-iversaries.

JoJo tells America she loves Robby but she doesn't tell Robby she loves Robby.

Jordan gets the second date. They go hiking. They both claim to be out of breath and super sweaty, which is endearing, but their version of super sweaty appears to be very different from most people's. Neither of them is red in the face (maybe that's just a pale person problem?) and they're both completely dry. I call BS and feel bad for the camera men who are really suffering.

I actually like Jordan on this date. He seems more likable today, probably because he's on the other side of the world from his complex-inducing brother.

They talk about their future together for the first time, and Jordan actually offers to move anywhere JoJo wants to live -- a first in Bachelor History! I can't recall any man who has done or even offered that on the show before. Good on ya, JoRo.

Of course JoJo sees it as a red flag and becomes skeptical. Classic. As soon as a man is too available and flexible then there's gotta be something wrong with him.

Jordan: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
JoJo: "LIAR. THAT'S WHAT BEN SAID TOO."

Jordan seems visibly frustrated by all these Ben memoriez. Welcome to my life, Jordan. He's able to talk his way out of the grave JoJo dug for him and talk his way into the Fantasy Suite. Hooray.

Jordan's sleeves are too short. It looks like a little boy's 3/4 sleeve blazer.

JoJo and I have the same pjs!

Chase gets the last date. Best for last? Maybe not.

JoJo and I have the same necklace too! Shoutout to Kendra Scott and also shoutout to me.

I think Chase is too boring for TV but I think he's probably the one I'd choose out of the remaining three guys. He seems like he would have a pretty dry sense of humor which I enjoy. Maybe it's because he's using more words on this date than he has the rest of the season combined. He def won't win but I'd like him for myself.

Oh they're reenacting their hot yoga date. Cute.

Ew I forgot he has a giant ugly side tat.

Chase: "After today there's no hesitation that I want to marry JoJo."
America: "Fat chance."

While JoJo waits for Chase to pick her up for sexy times, someone knocks on the door. It's Surprise Robby! The most alarming kind of Robby, given his impulsive tendencies. They snog on the couch for a minute and then JoJo pats him on the butt and sends him on his way.

Good game.

Ohhh sad they are really setting Chase up for a hard fall here. JoJo feels sick thinking about being in love with three men. She already said she's in love with two of them sooooooo...doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Bummer dude. Don't go Chase-in JoJo's waterfalls.

Chase says I love you. JoJo's face does not say I love you. He's about to get the axe.

I need to know what brand of lip stain JoJo is wearing. Can someone please look into this?

Oh shit, Chase is getting the axe RIGHT NOW! JoJo is about to retract the Fantasy Suite card for the first time in Bachelor History. This is huge.

This is the kind of off-formula move we like.

Camera pans from JoJo crying outside to Chase waiting patiently inside. He has no idea what's coming for him, poor guy.

JoJo comes inside: "Sorry about that, I needed to take a moment to think about how I'm going to break up with you."

In this moment JoJo is totally regretting sending Luke home.

JoJo wants to feel strongly for Chase, as if it's a surprise that she doesn't. We all saw this coming, Joj. You should have too.

Chase is getting rejected and he's totally acting like he's getting rejected. She says she didn't want to blindside him like Ben did to her. JoJo is now 3 for 3 on Ben mentions during dates this week.

Chase, to JoJo: "I just jumped over a hurdle and now I'm getting skewered." <-- amazing, actual line that Chase said.

Chase, to camera: "I say I love you and she says get the fuck out. That's messed up. Like, pull your pants down and kick you in the nuts messed up." <-- AMAZING, ACTUAL LINE THAT CHASE SAID.

JoJo is chasing Chase around to talk but like why? She just rejected him. For the love of Chris Harrison just let the man wallow.

Chase climbs into the van while cracking a sad, sad rejection road beer. What a way to go out. Pretty perfect exit in my opinion.

Rose ceremony time. JoJo gives the classic Two Way Street speech re: default roses.

Jordan's pants are too short. Who is his tailor? They really need to dial it back.

Surprise Chase walks into the rose ceremony right as JoJo starts talking about him.

JoJo: "I broke up with Chase and he was PISSED AS FU--heyyyy, buddy!"

Chase is back! He earns the pinnacle point category, Coming Back After Being Eliminated or Leaving** (15 points). Surprisingly, though, he didn't come back to ask for a second chance. He's back because it's not too late to say sorry. Chase delivers a knockout goodbye speech, apologizing for storming out and saying he's proud of and impressed by JoJo. Wowie. He is really fighting tooth and nail for this Next Bachelor gig and I think he might be juuuuust enough of a personality vacuum to do a great job. We shall see.

JoJo really wants to want Chase and Chase wants JoJo to want him. I see your Cheap Trick and raise you The Supremes. You can't hurry love, you just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take.

And you lost.

JoJo: "When did falling in love become so hard?"
Um I think it was when you hopped on the fast track to marriage and tried to fall in love with a group of strangers while being surround by a crew of different strangers with cameras and microphones. Just a hunch.

So we're down to Jordan and Robby. Jordan was a given from Night One but it's safe to say no one EVER expected Robby to make it this far. Who will JoJo choose? The Former Competitive Swimmer or the Former Professional Bench Warmer Football Player? Can't wait to find out next week!***

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner


*Names have been changed to protect identities.

**Some clarification regarding "Coming Back After Being Eliminated" points. Earlier in the season, Chad came back after being eliminated. However, he did not earn these points because he did not come back to re-connect with JoJo. Chase earns these points because he came back specifically to see JoJo. This category was created under the assumption that a contestant would come back to request re-admittance to the competition. Returning to apologize and bow out gracefully is unprecedented. This is uncharted territory, and in this instance the commissioners have ruled to award Chase the full 15 points.

***PSA: Next week, Julie and I will be watching together and co-blogging from Brazil! Since we'll be on a different continent the blog may not come out until Wednesday. We apologize in advance for any distress this delay may cause you. 

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