Andi Week Six: Word Vomit

We're down to single digits of man-children! Andi is whittling down her selection of potential husbands and we're off to Italia. The bros sail into Venice fist-pumping and cheering like champs. Andi talks about her high hopes for this week, especially after last week when her "head was spinning." Maybe you should cut back on the drinking a little bit, eh, Andi?

Speaking of Andi and drinking (wait a minute, that's the entire season), we're starting a new game during these episodes. Drink every time Andi makes The Face. You know The Face. We all practiced extensively throughout the episode. None of us quite mastered it. She can really frown like it's her job. Actually, it probably is a big part of her job, I mean imagine her rolling up to bust up a gang with a huge smile on her face like "y'all, STAHHPPPPP." She knows what she's doing.

It's date time right away! Eek! There is SO MUCH build up to Cody wanting this date, it's so obvious he's getting the shaft right now. She picks Nick V. Poor Cody. He's like the pet dog of the house. Everyone's just like YEAH CODY YOU'RE SO AWESOME and they pat him on the head. He smiles and wags his tail. But for real he's bummed about not getting the date...again. Josh M can relate: "I mean, I completely understand his frustration. He’s out here [on these streets] in Venice without a one-on-one." Yeah, ROUGH LIFE MAN shut up Josh M. I added the streets part there because Josh M was totally thinking it.

I love that Nick V still has the V even though the other Nick was eliminated the first night.

Andi keeps talking about how she has questions for Nick V because he was so salty on their last date and because Cody told her Nick was a mean jerk to him. But somehow she manages to go the entire day without really asking any questions. Finally, at dinner, she asks him point blank, “Do you think you’re a front runner?” Nick V answered the question perfectly and Andi is in love with him again. But okay seriously. For the amount of time, effort, money and people ABC has expended to convince America that this show is NOT A COMPETITION, using words like "front runner" definitely makes it a competition. Where's the consistency here? Ugh. Anyway, Nick V makes a relationship analogy about the Venetian masks they're wearing and earns some points. They do not touch one bite of their food which is stupid because ITALY. I mean hello. If there's any place to make an exception and eat carbs, it's Italy. Has Andi never seen the Lizzie McGuire movie?

The group date goes to Josh M, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, Pantsapreneur and Chris, meaning...CODY GETS THE ONE ON ONE! The group activity is a lie detector test because ABC didn't want to pay for two dates in Venice. Also because she doesn’t trust Josh M. Woo! So instead of exploring the beautiful city they're stuck in a dark castle with suits of armor and creepy guys with accents. Andi talks about how relationships are built on honesty and trust and all their faces are fraught with panic. It’s hilarious. Pants: "I never lie. Well not never, okay, that’s a lie." Josh wonders how correct the machines are and spends the rest of the date (and, in fact, the entire episode) ranting about this BS of a test. Like, WHY doesn't Andi trust me? She said she trusted me. We trust each other. Doesn't she know I'm a trustworthy former athlete? Waaayyyyy too much objection, Josh M. Whatcha hidin', bro? Methinks thou doth protest too much. 

Here's what we learn about the guys from this nightmare of a date activity:

• Pantsapreneur is good in bed, without hesitation. The question on everyone's mind: does he keep his special pants on?
• Dylan has slept with 20+ women and doesn’t wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. 
• Chris is the secret admirer! That’s his BIG SECRET.
• Brian is here for the right reasons. Big pat on the back, buddy.
• They have all farted in public.

Dylan is really upset by the test and fakes sick to goes back to the hotel. At this point we're all convinced he's donezo.

At the after party, Brian finally steps up his game and makes the shot on the first try! He whisks Andi away for another lie detector test and is all kinds of adorable. Marcus reveals that he has never been in this kind of situation before? Really, Marcus? You’ve never dated the same girl as 20 other guys simultaneously? I'm shocked. Marcus also tells Andi he's in love with her. A liiiiittle quick to the finish there, if you ask me.

Josh M continues to dig his own grave with this whole lie detector test. Chris reveals his BIG SECRET that he’s the admirer. He’s cute and gets the rose. Also, there's a verbal altercation between Pantsapreneur and Chris! The bros all are congratulating Chris on his rose but Pants just isn't feeling very gracious tonight. Pants doesn’t like faking the bromance anymore. It's getting real. The Process is working for him. Chris tells him, "fine, just go be blankety-blank sour grapes by yourself then," which is the most farmer-y thing he could have possibly said. 

Cody's moment finally arrives! He and Andi head to Verona to read letters people have written to Juliet. Cody can read! Julie is surprised. Cody is so grateful for his date he cannot stop talking about it. He welled up with betch tears (perhaps appropriate due to the roids), but none were shed, so no points. We are majorly distracted by the fact that Cody’s deep V is deeper than Andi’s deep V. So much man cleavage. Wait, Cody is surprisingly eloquent. There’s a brain under all that muscle! At dinner Cody starts word vomiting again about how much he likes Andi and wants her to meet his fam and OMG it's so sad because because she's doing The Face. It's over. Bye, Cody.

At the rose ceremony, the guys are FURIOUS because Nick V scoops up Andi first and he already has a rose. They need to man the F up, though. All’s fair in love and war, and The Bachelorette is both. Josh continues to freak out about the lie detector, we still don’t trust him, obviously.

Andi holds the roses as if she’s about to bowl them to the guys.

DYLAN GOT THE FIRST ROSE... WHAT? He needs to go. On the first night he literally couldn't even be near her because he said she freaked him out. Then we learned his sob story on that awkward train date. Then in Venice he bombed the lie detector test and bailed on the rest of the date to pout. What is he still doing here?? Three strikes, you're out. You've been hanging out with Josh M for six weeks, you should know that by now.

Pantsapreneur goes home! We are all so sad. He didn't even cry, and he wore a seatbelt on the ride home. Weird.

Points are up. Rob is still leading Pool 1, and Kelly's Kuckolds are on top of Pool 2. Shockingly, all teams still have men left, so no one has won the wine. If someone doesn't lose soon, we may end up drinking it.

See y'all in Brussels!

Love and roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Commissioners