Ben H Week Eight: Hungover and Hard Up

To continue our foray into blog delegation, this week's blog post comes from long time league participant Clare C. out of Chicago, IL. Always the runner up, never the winner, Team Competitive Clare is always a fierce force to be reckoned with. As a Roses to Riches OG, she's got jokes.

Oh, and if a Bachelor producer happens to be reading, Clare would make a top notch contestant. Contact us for business inquiries.

Enjoy!

Hey Batches,

Competitive Clare, here. I’m gonna go ahead and put it out there that it is an honor—I repeat—an HONOR to be guest bloggin' this week. Let’s dig in.

First of all, let’s clear a few things up—even if all of your ladies have been eliminated, if you are in the lead (aka, you had Olivia and Emily and Jubilee on you team), you can still win it all. If someone has the winning lady on his or her team (cough LAUREN cough), you do not necessarily win. That is to say, in Quidditch, catching the snitch does not always mean you have won the match.

I'm not a nerd. Shut up.

Okay. On to tonight’s episode. The preview of tonight’s episode was just as good or better than the episode itself. Well done producers. The shots of Amanda’s hometown were like something out of the Blair Witch Project. Handheld shots of Ben and Amanda looking devastated in a narrow haunted house hallway while demon children scream bloody murder. (jk, they’re cute. They’re just kids. Have you ever met kids? They cry. Ben’s about to figure that out)

In fact, much of this week’s episode was accompanied by a decent amount of murder music. And, surprisingly, not only when Caila’s serial-killer-rapist-from-SVU-season 3- father was present.

This man haunts my nightmares.

Ben starts the episode by letting us know he thinks this is going to be an amazing week. Is it Ben? Is it though?

Amanda runs towards Ben on the beach like she's on Baywatch, only wearing less clothes. No, seriously, this was so inappropriate. Her shirt was falling off of her. Definitely not okay mom attire, unless you’re preparing to breastfeed your little girls. Too much? Too real? Okay. Just saying. Girl was naked from the waist up.

Someone in the Nest said that Amanda reminded them of a Disney princess. She's not. She’s like a Disney princess’ clingy older sister who was ignored and didn’t get to take voice lessons and never got rid of that horrible nasal Midwest accent, and whines all the time and gets spray tans and botox. 

We got to meet her little girls (who she couldn’t fully hug because one hand was devoted to making sure she didn’t flash the camera crew). One of the little girls said she felt “shy.” That was cute. We’ll give her that, she made cute kids. The only problem was, Amanda (or a producer) felt it was appropriate to make a 4 year old child wear GLADIATOR SANDALS ON THE BEACH. ON THE BEACH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT A SAND TRAP THOSE SHOES ARE??

When meeting Amanda’s family, Ben said “the girls were amazing, but it was a LONG day.” Come on Ben. You can fake liking the kid thing better than that. He and Amanda put the kids to bed and Ben immediately hits the Pinot Noir.

Amanda’s dad correctly asserts that Ben looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Ben literally said, at one point, in response to how he got along with the children, “they…didn’t hate me?”

In an effort to make herself feel better, Amanda talks to her mom about how she needs to focus on dating FOR THE SAKE OF HER CHILDREN and having fun. So, she felt the best way to do that would be to abandon them for 8 weeks and go on The Bachelor. Dear Amanda, have you ever tried just…like…dating? In your hometown? With other humans not on TV? There’s this great dating app you should try.

Ben and Amanda’s dad have a heart to heart and pops basically says “trust me….you might think you want kids. But you don’t want kids.” Cut to Ben, knee deep in Pinot Noir, saying “I’m a little buzzed right now….but I hear what you’re saying. Believe me. I. Hear. What. You’re. Saying.”

Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time?

Ben and Amanda then woke up the little girls from their nap in order to have a cute bedtime story for the camera. Sorry, no napping. We’re in show business, kiddos.

Amanda then proceeds to tell her family that Ben is the one.

Ugh. Moving on.

"No way she's from Portland, she wears makeup."

Lauren proceeds to kill it. She takes him to food trucks and feeds him eggs and butter on bread. EGGS AND BUTTER ON BREAD. Done. He fed her grilled cheese. Shuh uhp. She then takes him to the WHISKEY LIBRARY. Literally my dream.

Except. She called in a Libary. Which breaks my heart and makes me extremely happy all at once. 

We then go back to Lauren’s family’s house, where we meet her EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD DOG. THAT’S ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX IN DOG YEARS. This dog needs to be dead. It really does.

Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside and starts grilling him. But Ben is about to smash her doubts and make her fall in love with him. Ben is pretty good at handling curveballs. After all, he was on Wrigley field last week. She asked, “how do I know you’re not saying the exact same thing to everyone.” Ben handled it by saying that every girl left is amazing, and if he gets on one knee, that means he really means it.” Well played, Ben. You should be in politics. Way to not answer the question.

Then, to get her sister off his back, he took a moment to look down and force himself to cry, to prove his love for Lauren. Jk. It seemed like he really cried out of genuine residual hangover  exhaustion  love. Ben and the sister almost make out, but they decide not to in front of the camera. Class acts, those two.

Ben continues to be the politician we know him to be and navigate dangerous waters when dealing with the dad. He straight up says he’s not good at this and the process has been hard to handle. Way to be, Ben, way to be. Honesty is the best policy.

Lauren continues the trend of saying that she thinks Ben is the man for her. Her dad pats her on the head and reminds her that she’s a big ole dummy. He calls her Baby Lolo, and suddenly, I’ve found my stripper name.

Next, we’re onto Caila and BLAH BLAH BLAH I seriously can’t hear or understand anything you’re saying, that’s how little I care about you. She talks vaguely about how she wants a REAL house to make out in, not just a toy house. I don't know. I didn't listen.

They go on to make out in her father’s toy factory (or...murder house?), and Ben picks Caila up as the soundtrack from Flashdance plays. Her father has previously made it clear to the workers that their pay will be docked if they don’t applaud and make it look like a heartwarming blue-collar moment out of Rudy (Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuudy. Ruuuuuudy.)

Caila’s lovely Filipino mother has adult braces and is sweet, while we all continue to be terrified by her serial killer father that happens to be CEO of Step 2 Toys (get after that toy fortune Ben. Get it.) 

Folllowing in her serial killer father’s footsteps, Caila says a fear that only serial killers and sociopaths generally feel—that deep down feeling that she is incapable of love. Oof. I’m gonna slowly back away from you now.

Despite her creepy lack of being able to love, she whispers (I kid you not, WHISPERS) “I know he’s the one” to both her mother and father. Caila, honey, you’ve got a microphone on. The cameras can still hear you (and see you) even when you whisper.

Her dad responds saying “I wish he was the one for you, but there are other girls, and you have no idea.” She proceeds to cry. Dad predicts that she’s going to get crushed. Clare gives a quiet evil laugh, because Clare agrees.

Caila continues to creepily whisper “I know he’s the one” about 8 times.

I think we’re done here.

Ah, finally, to Dallas. Jojo sees a bouquet of red roses on her doorstep and reads a FULL PARAGRAPH OF A LETTER (which contains the sentence “I’m not just writing this because you are on a show”) before she realizes the flowers and note might not be from Ben.

I’m just gonna say this. If you have no idea what your man’s handwriting looks like, you maybe aren't in a place to consider marrying him.

She breaks down and loses it, revealing that she is not the slightest bit over Chad.

Yep. His. Name. Is. Chad. Come on now.

She calls him, and we get a glimpse into what a complete and total tool Chad is. She reveals that he is the one that broke it off, and she begged him to come back. To add to Chad’s totally creeposity, let us remember that he delivered a bouquet of RED ROSES to her doorstep, knowing full well that she is on The Bachelor and practically has to beg for a SINGLE red rose every week.

Chad is all like, step up Ben, I got her a whole bouquet. Step. Up.

Quick reminder: HIS NAME IS CHAD.

Jojo tearfully welcomes Ben, and awkwardly says “First, welcome to Dallas” about four times. During Jojo’s description of the events, Ben develops a pretty intense case of murder eyes, and experiences some mild PTSD from a past relationship in which there was cheating. The two of them are practically twitching throughout the entire conversation.

Elizabeth gleefully observed, "Ben's limo wall (guard) is going RIGHT back up."

Ben meets the fam, and Jojo says y’all 14 times in order to prove they’re from texas. When asked why Jojo is different, Ben puts it out there and says he feels more himself with her than anyone else. Bold move, Ben, bold move. 

This does nothing to satisfy the hunger of the Patton men. They both creepily state that they are very “attached” to their sister, and make Ben squirm. The brothers buckle down with Jojo and remind her that she’s had two (count it)—one, two—(They hold up two fingers, to make sure she gets it)—TWO dates with Ben. They straight up tell her that he is not as emotionally invested as she is, and tell her to protect herself.

The bros confront Ben and accuse him of brainwashing the women, and psychologically tricking the ladies into desiring him. Hold up, slightly-hotter-brother-Patton—didn’t we see you on Eva Longoria’s Ready for Love? And (as research yields) haven’t you yourself participated in dating a bachelor alum?! You best check yoself before you wreck yoself.

While the brothers might be used to this kind of chaos and DRAMAAA, this whole “dating-multiple-people” thing comes as a shock to Jojo’s mom. Though, to be fair, you might not be able to tell she is shocked at first, since she cannot move her face and can barely speak, due to offensive levels of plastic surgery.

#duckfaceforever

Strange as it seems, it legitimately appears as though her mother did not know there were still 3 other girls involved on this show. While she initially told her daughter “you won’t get hurt, you’re beautiful” (helpful, thanks mom), Jojo rebuts saying “there are still three other people involved” and Mama Jojo literally says “…oh!” and covers her mouth in shock.

I can’t express the joy this moment brought the ladies of the nest. We rewound it 3 times to watch her mother’s grief at realizing her daughter is, in fact, on a reality show. All of a sudden, her mother is sobbing that she needs to “have faith” and starts chugging champagne from the bottle while the cameras are still rolling.

"Honey, they're still filming." -Jojo's dad, Joe

Here comes the Rose Ceremony. Jojo realizes she’s screwed so wears the sluttiest dress she can find. And damn gurl, it works. OH HAY GURL.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that, at this point, I find it so creepy and weird that he just hands out roses to women he might marry. This is the point where it feels a little TOO demeaning. Can I just say that? Rose ceremonies should stop at this point. Breakups should just happen in person. Let’s write Chris Harrison a letter about it.

Ben gives Lauren a rose. Obvi. Future wife.

Ben gives Caila a rose and tears of boredom are shed across the nation. A moment of intense eye contact between Amanda and Jojo, which we in the nest determined was a moment of support and solidarity.

I gotchu, girl.

He sends home the mom.

Cold. Blooded.

Amanda took it like a champ and told him she wished he’d just told her in person at the time. Ben continues to keep it real and says his feelings for the other women were simply stronger. Ben cries, feeling glad to be done with her, but rightfully guilty about the way it went down with the kids. It’s sad. Ben is a good person, and I’m still #TeamBen.

We end the episode with a wonderful excerpt of Lauren’s blonde, pubescent brothers attempting to intimidate Ben. The contrast between the two sets of brothers is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Ben nearly shit his pants when dealing with the JojoBros, and legit could not stifle a laugh when the Culkin brothers questioned him about the fantasy suite.

Love and Roses,

Competitive Clare

Hoes in Diff. Area Codes Conference

_________________________

Check your points! We have two weeks left and many teams are in peril. Props to those of you (Maggie B. in particular) who drafted the top four contestants!  Remember, winners are based on point total and NOT having the fiance on your team.

P.S. Sharing the blog and bragging about your points is HIGHLY ENCOURAGED and sometimes rewarded. Do it.

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Ben H Week Seven: What Came from Vegas Should Have Stayed in Vegas

Hello, Bachelor nation! Guest columnist Rob here blogging from the mean streets of Chicago. If you've never had the pleasure of watching an episode of The Bachelor with the league at The Nest, it's quite an experience. Wine is in abundance. Earplugs are necessary.

As the solitary straight man in attendance this past week, I feel it is my duty to give my take on this week's episode with an honest eye. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins in Warsaw, IN. Like most places in Indiana, the settlers of the town were lazy and just decided to name it after some other place in the world. Also, fun fact: I once puked in Warsaw, IN but that's a story for another post on another blog.

It's Meet-Ben's-Parents week (for one of the girls at least, more on that later) and we see Ben greet them in the local greasy spoon. They seem like wholesome, God-fearing Americans so all seems right with the world. Ben goes through a rundown of all the girls left and Ben's mom is like, "wait, what? one of them has two kids? I ain't ready to be an insta-gram."

The women check in to the nicest Air BnB within a fifty mile radius and for some reason tell us they love Warsaw, IN. This is perhaps the most confusing part of the episode.

Pawnee = Warsaw.

Ben greets the ladies and then asks out Lauren for a coveted one-on-one in front of everyone. This is taken as an affront to the rest of the women and tears are had.

I hear a wine bottle pop next to me and we are well underway here at The Nest.

BYOWine is how we roll.

Ben gives Lauren the world-renowned tour of Warsaw and they hit all the must-see stops. The old movie theater where he had his first kiss. His high school. And finally the Baker Youth Club.

Alright, let's cut the snark. This date was awesome. Lauren and Ben really hit it off and seemed to have a genuine connection. If I was a gambling man (wait, I am), I'd put all my money on Lauren winning. Also, how great is Ben with kids?! He sat down with a kid who was crying and comforted him. HE'S A SAINT. And Lauren was ~loving it~. I'm fairly confident she was ready to jump him right there and procreate on the spot.

Then some wizard of a child sinks a half court shot like he's Steph Curry and Ben has to kiss Lauren in front of all the children of the corn. Adorable.

Ronnie, all day err day.

Ben and Lauren then pretended to have dinner and chatted about how THAT BITCH (can I say that here?) tried to steamroll over their connection last week. Praise God everything seems back on track for them to have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

Back at the AirBnB, a letter arrives and Jojo is the lucky lady who snags a one-on-one. Seriously, Jojo. Go by anything but Jojo. You're not a backup dancer for Prince. I digress... It's off to Chicago we go! Hey, I live there!

Jojo and Ben straddle each other on Clark Street and then go to Wrigley Field for a dream date complete with Mr. and Mrs. Higgins jerseys. I don't know about you but I would find that creepy. The audience at The Nest did not think so, commenting: 

"He looks good in a Cubs jersey...or anything."

"Or nothing."

But it gets better! After frolicking on the field and being master batters, Ben treats Jojo, who I reiterate is not a backup dancer for Prince, to faux dinner on the field. This elicited the following reaction from the crowd at home:

"Are you freaking kidding me?" (that's jealousy, for all you non-Chicagoans/Cubs fans)

Jojo explains to Ben that she's scared by how much she cares about him. Note to everyone ever: if someone says this to you, RUN.

Cut to Warsaw and the rest of the women are giving Lauren the resting bitch face because she's still glowing from her date with Ben. A card is delivered and ...wait for it... it's a group date! Caila, Amanda, and Becca are chosen which means that Emily, who's "pretty but just has a weird face," gets a one-on-one. Emily and her oxymoron of a face proceed to cry ugly tears of joy.

We then see Caila, Amanda, and Becca standing on a dock and Ben pulling up in a boat on a small lake that sometimes catches fire because it's in freaking Warsaw, IN. The four of them get into row boats two by two and proceed to spin in circles because the complexities of rowing a boat are beyond all of them. This is by far the worst group date ever and I swear, Caila and Amanda are automatons. I don't see why they're still here. Caila's time with Ben is always excruciating to watch and the fact that he *thinks* there's a connection there makes me think Caila's meandering and confusing non-answers to his questions have put a spell on him. Seriously. “I picture myself as moss, and I’ve always been trying to find the perfect tree to grow with.” Good talk.

Becca, who is a smokeshow, lays it all on the line and tells Ben not to blindside her. This interaction in the middle of a fallow Indiana corn field brought forth the following line from the peanut gallery: 

"They're either gonna break up or have sex right now."

Probably not the latter, because, Becca.

Amanda inhales three balloons of helium and then pretends that she can show emotions through her Botox injected face. People, she's in her 20s. At this rate she'll look like Joan Rivers by 35.

Ben is then faced with the tough decision of giving one rose out. This is a biggie since it means the rest of the day will be a one-on-one and he will meet the girl's family next week. I have no idea why but he gives the rose to Amanda. Becca and Caila are devastated.

Since we've already spent ten minutes too many in Warsaw, IN and have run out of places to see, Ben takes Amanda to McDonald's for the rest of their date. This actually happened.

To make it abundantly clear that the bachelor has sold its soul to the Kroc family, Ben and Amanda share a French fry kiss in the style of Lady and the Tramp. Somewhere, Walt Disney weeps.

Next we have an uneventful one-on-one with Emily and Ben. Lolz jk it's a shitshow. Emily wears what I can only describe as stripper jeans and then proceeds to tell Ben's mom that she's "dreamed of being an NFL cheerleader for as long as I can remember" following that gem up with, "I feel like I'm average at everything in life."

This is so incomprehensibly stupid that there are no words in the English language sufficient to describe what has just happened. If Las Vegas was to take the form of a human being, it would be Emily.

Ben's mom then cries when she talks with Ben because Emily is so terrible. Everything that occurred on this date made me uncomfortable. One onlooker was quoted as saying, "She's like Taylor Swift smashed together with Sarah Palin." An apt comparison.

Ben and Emily leave and praise Chris Harrison that date is over. Ben then sits on the dock by their AirBnB and tells Emily she's the worst while the rest of the girls look on from the house. #ColdBlooded.

Finally we reach the rose ceremony and Ben looks DISTRAUGHT. It's looking like a photo finish for the last rose between Caila and Becca. We all know Lauren is gonna get one because she's #thebest and Amanda already has one because Ben meeting children makes for good TV. Jojo is just there so whatever.

Boom. Lauren B gets a rose.

Boom. Jojo gets a rose.

#DRAMATICMUSIC

BOOM. Caila gets a rose.

~and the crowd goes wild...with anger~

Becca walks away with Ben, which autocorrects to barn sometimes, and speaking for the rest of America asks, "Why did you do that?"

Ben, knowing he made a mistake, can't really come up with a coherent answer. As a straight man, I know why this occurred. WE ARE DUMB AND MAKE MISTAKES SOMETIMES. Unfortunately for Ben, his mistake cost him a smokeshow in front of millions of screaming fans at home across North America.

In summation, Ben is an idiot and shouldn't have chosen Caila. She's the worst and her name looks like the word Cialis. Lauren is an angel sent from heaven and will win. Jojo really needs to pick a different name to go by, and Amanda sounds like she's inhaled helium at all times. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.

Love and Roses,

Rob
Straight, Male, First Time League Participant

HUGE thank you to Rob for writing this week's post! If you thought it was funny, which you should because it was, follow him on Twitter for more hilarity (@_ob_yan). Teams and standings are up to date! Some teams who are already out still have a chance of making the podium, which would be a first in Roses to Riches history. Let's make history, people. Love you all.

At least Twimily went down swingin'.

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Ben H Week Six: Bae of Pigs

Happy Terrible Tuesday, everyone. Welcome to the highlight of your day. I am SO thrilled to introduce our first Roses to Riches guest blogger, Nashville Conference Regulator Emily Wurz! She has been instrumental in expanding the league outside our local Chicago reach, so it's only fitting to have her contribute her wit and charm for everyone else to see. I'll let Emily take it from here.

Hi, piggies. This blog post is comin’ at ya from Music City, the land of many bachelor contestants/personal trainers/aspiring musicians. In fact, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn have been spotted at my neighborhood Target, so by association, this is pretty much like a celebrity guest post, right? 

Anyway, truly honored to be the first official guest blogger for Roses to Riches. I only hope I can make Eliz and Julie proud. Let’s dive right in…

Last week’s episode rudely ended with a cliffhanger, giving me PTSD flashbacks to last season’s rocky and unpredictable relationship with rose ceremonies. Will Ben finally see Olivia, the cankle queen, for who she truly is?? In keeping with the classroom theme of the season, Ben counseled Olivia through her distress.

“But, like…what would you have done differently in this situation? Do you have any regrets?” – Ben 

Olivia has no regrets or ragrets.

Olivia likes to read books, not paint nails and they just don’t understand, ya know? Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful.

Meanwhile, the girls are in a tizzy about alerting Ben that someone may be there for the wrong reasons.

Olivia comes back with the rose and the girls are devastated. But the ceremony must go on. Luckily, the score writer felt inspired by his surroundings and composed "Mexico Dramatico" to really ramp up the drama in this interlude. Ben gives the first rose to Sex Panther Caila. Lauren B, JoJo, Becca and Leah (who??) also get roses. Twin gets the final rose of the night, sending Boobs aka Jennifer home. Everyone is crying but then Ben says they’re going to the Bahamas and all is fine and I am fine.

Vamos a la playa.

Now we’re in the Bahamas, and I miss the European travel budget ABC used to have. Beaches are boring, confirmed by one Nashville viewer: “Ben should have them scale a mountain and just see who doesn’t die.” Now that’s television, folks!!

Chris Harrison (I literally typed “Christ Harrison” in my notes and I don’t think it was an accident) enters the condo to give an ominous warning that he hopes to see “…MOST….” of the ladies at the next rose ceremony. A two-on-one date is promised, and we are all ecstatic.

Caila gets the first one-on-one date, and Leah is PISSED and questioning her raison d'etre. Caila wears a crop top meant for a doll (even if someone starved me for three years, I wouldn’t look like that) and she and Ben pretend to fish but really the producers just tossed them the fish they made the interns buy at Costco before they left Vegas.

During their romantic dinner, Ben pushes Caila to tell him her secrets. He’s wondering if she has facial expressions besides smiling, which I think is something we’re all wondering. We are also wondering if Caila survives solely on quinoa and Adderall.

Things get weird—Caila tells Ben, "I feel like I'm in love with you, BUT..." (no points because of the "but" caveat) she is worried she’ll make him feel unloved. Ben is worried she’ll leave him.

“You confuse me.” – Ben
“I feel understood.” – Caila

They are clearly both drunk, and suddenly Caila has the rose and all the previous confusing conversation has been forgotten? I don’t know…I’m over this date.

Lauren B, Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Leah and JoJo are headed on the group date. Everyone is wearing Aztec print even though we’ve left Mexico City.

Amid drinks and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS on the yacht, ominous music begins to play and obvi everyone will be forced to face their fear of swimming with sharks, all in the name of true love.

Just kidding, it’s pigs. AN ISLAND OF PIGS. I’m really impressed with ABC on this one. An island full of pigs in the Bahamas is far superior to the pigs on Chris Soules’ farm in Iowa.

At first everyone is really into the pigs. It turns out the pigs know the same trick our family dog (RIP Rego) used to know…cross your arms and they go away. The girls should teach Olivia that trick. 

They’re feeding the pigs hot dogs (cannibalism?) and everyone is loving the pigs, until suddenly it’s CHAOS. JoJo is getting MAULED by the pigs and all the girls are suddenly pissed and no one wants to talk to Ben and Lauren H has a Bubba jug of jungle juice (???) and anarchy ensues. They're also all wasted which really helps the situation.

At one point, I literally think Ben confuses JoJo for Becca, and I don’t blame him one bit because I do the same thing.

Ben: "You, of all people, understand how The Process works. Like remember last time when you were on the show before?"
JoJo: "I don’t know. This pig is coming over here.”

That is how I will end all awkward conversations from now on.

During the group date cocktail party, Leah throws the betchiest Hail Mary pass in Bachelor History, trying to make Ben remember she exists, and throws sweet angel doll face Lauren B under the bus. Not cool, gurlfrand, not cool. Lots of thunder sound effects foreshadow the ensuing tears and drama. Ben gives Amanda the rose and looks seriously thrilled this group date dramz is over.

….Or is it???

Leah surprises Ben in his hotel room. Ben is watching sports because Ben loves sports. And America. And Morgan Freeman. And puppies.

Don't we all, Ron?

“We all had a terrible time with you and the pigs today. Also I’m not here to sabotage, but….” (proceeds to sabotage) – Leah

Leah is such an amateur. Has she never watched the show before? The move here is not to sneak into Ben's room and talk about other people. The move here is to sneak into Ben's room and take your top off. That's the move. That's how you catch your own Hail Mary pass for the winning touchdown. #sports

As expected, Ben sends Leah packing, and it’s FINALLY on to the two-on-one date.

Okay, seriously—this date looked truly terrible. They’re on a remote beach in the middle of gale-force winds and they all look ready to b-a-r to the f. Ben is totally wishing he kept the other twin so he could at least fulfill boyhood fantasies and make out with twins on a yacht. Instead he has big mouth Olivia and Emily, who can’t seem to understand the function of those little rubber bands on her wrist.

Olivia tells Ben she loves him, but it’s simultaneously too early and too late. He gives the rose to Twin, who appears to be breaking out in hives. Or possibly severe windburn. And thus begins my favorite Bachelor montage, where the rejected contestant is left on a remote island/glacier/field and the two new lovers boat/fly/jet-ski away (and a PA is shown dramatically removing luggage from the hotel). Olivia looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Maybe one of those island pigs can keep her company.

After some dramatic shots of Ben struggling to stay upright on a remote windy cliff, Our Lord and Savior Chris(t) Harrison tells the girls we’re going straight to the rose ceremony.

There is so much contouring going on at the rose ceremony. Is that a prerequisite for being on the Bachelor? I would end up like this:

U R so beautiful...to me.

The rose ceremony is quick and dirty. Becca gets the first rose of the evening. Then JoJo, and then…we’re already at the final rose?? Which of course goes to my gal Lauren B, sending Lauren H, the possible racist and hater of Jubes, finally home to her kindergartners. It’s okay, Lauren H…there’s always Bachelor in Paradise.

I think we’re left with some really strong contenders here. Ben has cut the trouble-makers, and all you people relying on Olivia for your points are out of luck.

Next time on the Bachelor: tears, love and JARLEE KARLIE CHARLIE!

Thanks, y’all! It’s been fun.

Love and roses and pigs,
Emily

Check your points and standings! Olivia was keeping quite a few teams afloat so we have some more wine winners this week. Huge thanks again to Emily for penning such a fantastic post this week. Leave a comment below and show her some love!

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Ben H Week Five: Rock Out With Your Caucus Out

*turns on TV*

*sees George Stephanopoulos talking about Iowa caucus instead of Chris Harrison telling me what's happening "tonight...on the Bachelor"*

*throws remote at TV in a blind rage*

George: "Thanks for tuning into the Iowa caucus. We now return to your regularly scheduled programming, which is world news for most people, but for some eejit peasants (that's you and me), it's The Bachelor."

Another note: We learned last night that our Roses to Riches blog is considered NSFW at ComEd. It's blocked and Rachel is not able to read at work! I am so sorry. But at the same time I feel so validated as a writer. Apparently making it big isn’t about getting published, it’s about getting censored.

Let's begin. VIVA LA MEXICO! So many crop tops. You can tell that the penny pinching during Chris and Kaitlyn's seasons paid off because ABC is finally on track budget-wise. We've had 3 or 4 airplane/helicopter rides, hot tubs in the desert, and we're traveling internationally in week 5. This is The Bachelor I know and love. Welcome back.

Emily (the twin who didn't get dumped in front of her mom): I'm so excited to really start The Process with Ben now that I don’t have Haley anything holding me back.

Amanda the MILF gets the first one-on-one. YESSSSS Ben pulls my favorite Bachelor move of all and goes into the girls' room at 4:30 am for a surprise wake up call, which is the worst kind of wake up call. I LOVE watching them freak out when Ben sees their faces for what they really are. He shines an obnoxiously bright light at them and it backfires when the reflection from Metal Mouth's, I mean Lauren H's, retainer blinds him forever.

Orthodontia for the right reasons

Side note: does the Bachelorette ever do this? I totally would but I can't recall one recently. If you've seen it happen pls alert me in the comments.

Someone definitely tipped Amanda off that her date was going to start super early, because while all the other girls were screaming and hiding their faces in their pillows, Amanda just sits up calmly, in full makeup, and says "oh good morning, Ben" like the Disney animal character she is. She for sure woke up like 2 hours before, stealthily got ready, and crawled back into bed in the nick of time.

While she's off hot air ballooning, we see Olivia (a known betch) Lauren H (a secret betch and possibly super racist) discussing Amanda's children. These girls are such amateurs. Referring to kids as baggage (which they do) is a one way ticket off the show. And if you express that feeling to anyone it will get back to Ben. GIRLS. FREAKING DUH. Ugh they are so dumb it hurts.

Meanwhile, Amanda says she can't stop smiling but her face is not really smiling.

After they go hot air ballooning they talk about her past. I wish she didn’t use Botox because otherwise I really like her. Doesn't she know she's beautiful the way she is? Someone show this girl a Dove commercial STAT. Also I’m 95% sure she is outfit repeating tonight and clearly does not give two shits about it. Major props. #capsulewardrobe

Ben bringing the kids back into this conversation about Amanda's ex is such a strong move and shows a lot about Ben's character. I think someone rang our doorbell at this point and ruined the moment because I don't have any more notes about that. But it was nice. She gets the rose.

The group date is Emily, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Jennifer, Olivia and one other one I can't remember. Help? Emily’s occupation is still twin.

Ben and the girls take a Spanish class to prep for their cooking challenge. They learn useful culinary phrases like "I want to kiss you" and "I love you." The r-rolling technique is perfected by just motor boating the air.

The cooking class begins and the chefs give them a dumbed down version of the importance of food in Mexican culture.

Chef 1: There's a saying that a woman is ready to get married once she knows how to cook.
Chef 2: BUT IT'S A VERY OLD STYLE WAY OF THINKING SO PLZ DON'T SUE US FOR SAYING THAT.

Ben: "I'm no longer the Bachelor...I'm the Spachelor!"
Chris Harrison: "Get out."

They divide into pairs for a cooking challenge. Olivia snatches up Ben immediately for her team, surprising no one.

Olivia: "Ben can you be on my team?"
Ben: "I can be on anyone's team. Literally anyone. Anyone?!?!"
Olivia: "I’m so obsessed with you. Today was the best day ever."
Ben: "It was aight."

Olivia is all four hippos at once.

Lauren B and Jubilee win the contest, but it means nothing because we know that on this show talent gets you nowhere.

Lucky for Lauren B she redeems herself in other ways, namely by looking amaze in her outfit. It must be so hard to be 90 lbs. Good for Lauren B for bringing her A game though, it's definitely working. Ben takes her to a special spot away from the group so they can snog.

Jubilee not so jubilant this week. Her insecurities really get the better of her during this episode and she completely self-destructs. First she rejects Ben's hand hold attempt. Burn. Then it gets awkward and Ben just ends up sending her home unceremoniously. I feel bad for Jubilee. I really liked her but she was not right for the show. Also, I did not appreciate her "I'm so unlovable" comment in her exit interview because that was Ben's biggest selling point so now Jubilee trying to claim it as her own weakness kind of invalidates her. Bummer dude.

Kendra Scott is getting so much free publicity this season.

Ben goes back to the girls to tell them about Jubilee and JoJo steals him mid sentence. What a power move. We learn surmise that Ben has been stealing second base by putting his jacket on the girls!

Sneaky, Ben.

Ben gives the date rose to Olivia, shocking everyone in our living room and sending the girls into a tizzy. Shit's about to go DOWN.

Lauren H gets the last one-on-one. Guess Ben doesn't mind the retainer. Probably because he had one too when he was in high school last year. Lauren H's accent is insufferable and makes it hard to take her seriously. Sam and I spend the entire date repeating her atrocious pronunciations.

Ben and Lauren H try on hideous designer clothes and then they get surprise-entered into Mexico City Fashion Week show, which only proves how low stakes Mexico City Fashion Week is. The biggest takeaway from the runway show is that Ben is, hands down, the sexiest winker in the history of winkers. I am not ashamed to admit that we rewatched it about seven times. However, I am ashamed to admit that the second biggest takeaway was learning that I took part in a winking contest on Saturday night. I have no memory of this contest. Apparently I'm not exactly the "wink and a smile" type. I'm more of the "wink and a smile and two finger points and a high five" type. So there's that.

Also Lauren H walks weird.
Rob: "There are bigger sins than the way she walks."
Me: "For example, the way she talks."

Rob's walk was a little wobbly too...

Lauren H gets the rose.

During the cocktail party, Olivia tells Amanda that her life is an episode of Teen Mom. Her backtracking explanation is, "I’m learning so much about myself." Olivia, get your fat cankles out of your mouth.

Emily falls on the sword and is the first of three girls to warn Ben about Olivia. All three earn those most noble of points.

Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Olivia.

Emily: "I hate Olivia and her tacky, poorly constructed prom dress. It’s okay to say that." Preach, gurl.

We're left with a cliff hanger and PTSD from last season. To distract ourselves we spent the next half hour on hold with Bachelor Live, hoping to ask Ben, "DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ASPIRING CATWALK WINKERS?" I really need help. Unfortunately we did not make it onto the show.

Will Ben take away Olivia's rose? Who will be sent home? We'll find out next week. Rose points for that ceremony will apply to this week's totals, and points will accrue normally thenceforth. Please note, at that point we will be down to a single digit roster of ladies, which means the roses will begin to increase in value by one point each week.

Check your scores and standings, talk smack with your teams. And if you feel compelled, share this on social media with your friends! We love having fans.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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